I still remember the night I lost everything. I lost my best friend, and the only family I had ever known. My whole world was over in that moment and I had only one thing on my mind: revenge for the deaths of the people I held most dear. Peter was a traitor, James was dead, and Remus, well, Remus was unavailable.

As I arrived at Godric’s Hollow, I found one thing that gave me hope. Hagrid was walking away from the ruins that used to be the home of my best friend carrying a little bundle. The sight of the sleeping baby in his arms calmed me. I didn’t care about Peter Pettigrew in that moment, I was just happy that my godson had managed to survive.

I jumped from my motorcycle and ran faster than I had ever run in my life. I couldn’t think of anything but getting to Harry, and making sure he was all right. Hagrid looked shocked at my sudden presence, and as though he had been crying. I was still in shock over it all, rendering me incapable of thinking. It took all I had just to speak a few simple words.

“Hagrid,� I said, my voice cracking as I tried to hold back the emotion that was taking over me. “What…�

“Sirius, I’m sorry,� Hagrid replied, tears falling from his dark eyes.

I cursed under my breath. That son of a bitch killed my friends! I wanted to kill him, seek revenge for the pain he had caused me but then my thoughts drifted to the promise I had made to James.

“Harry…�

“He..He’s fine, I dunno how…b-but You-Know-Who…he’s gone.�

I didn’t care about Voldemort, I just wanted to see Harry, to touch him, feel him breathing, and to know for myself that he was okay. I reached out and gently took him from Hagrid. Harry barely stirred and snuggled closer in my arms. I was so relieved to be holding him. Harry turned his head and for the first time I saw the mark that Voldemort had left when he took everything from me. Harry would have that mark forever, and I knew that I would never live a day without feeling guilty for it.

I felt the anger rise in my chest again. I was shaking, cursing in my mind. Pettigrew. He did this; he tore my life apart. He’s the reason that James and Lily are dead. The reason Harry has no parents, though Harry has me. The only thing that kept me from taking off after Peter was the sleeping boy cradled in my arms.

Harry became my responsibility when Voldemort killed Lily and James. When I became Harry’s godfather, I swore to James that I would take care of him if something ever happened to them, in case something like this ever did happen. But I never thought that I would have to live up to that promise — I had no intentions of breaking my word, though.

“I’ll take him home with me, Hagrid. He’s my responsibility now,� I said solemnly, wishing with all my heart that it wasn’t true, that Lily and James would walk from the rubble of that house and take this weight off of my shoulders. I didn’t have any idea what the hell I was supposed to do next. Sure I had watched Harry before, I knew what he liked to eat, I knew how to make him stop crying, but that didn’t mean that I knew how to raise a child.

“I’m under Dumbledore’s orders, Sirius,� Hagrid said. “Yeh can’t take him. I’ve got ter bring him to Dumbledore, somewhere in Surry. He’s ter stay with his Aunt and Uncle. Harry’ll be safer there.�

“You aren’t taking my godson to those good for nothing Muggles. Petunia is a horrible woman, and I’ll be damned if Harry is going to be brought up by them!�

The anger inside me flared again. I wanted revenge like nothing else I’d ever wanted before. But I couldn’t leave Harry. I wouldn’t, especially not with Petunia. Dumbledore was crazy to even think it - he knew my thoughts on the matter.

“Sirius, I don’t understand it meself but Dumbledore knows what’s best…�

“Bollocks he does. I swore to James that I’d protect his son, and sending him off to live with Muggles isn’t protecting him!� I said, raising my voice only a bit as to not wake up Harry.

I hated the thought of it, the prospect of Harry growing up there. It wasn’t right. He belonged with me. I wasn’t giving in without a fight. I knew what was best for him. I was his godfather. It was supposed to be my job to take care of him now. Hagrid spoke up again, making me stop and think, if only for a moment.

“Sirius I know yeh don’t like it, but we have to get Harry somewhere safe til we make sure nobody’s coming after him. Yeh can’t help us make sure he’s safe if yeh don’t let me take him now.�

I realised then that I had to let go, at least for now. I had to make sure there was no threat towards Harry before he could come live with me, though it wasn’t easy for me to do. The Death Eaters would expect Harry to be with me, and they’d come after me to find him. I couldn’t let that happen to him. I hugged my godson one last time and handed him carefully to Hagrid. I hated having to separate myself from Harry, having him go live with those Muggles who didn’t even want anything to do with him, but I didn’t have a choice. My hands were shaking again, and as much as I knew I had to, I didn’t want to let him go. He meant everything to me, and all of this was my fault. I was the one who had suggested Peter be the Secret Keeper rather than me.

The anger overcame me then and I couldn’t contain it now that I wasn’t holding Harry. It’s remarkable how holding a baby can make you suddenly calm. I knew what I had to do then. I had to take care of the threat. Peter Pettigrew wasn’t going to live to see another day.

“Take my bike, Hagrid. It’ll get you there faster.�

“Where--�

“Don’t worry about where I’m going, you’ll know soon enough.�

With that I turned on my heel and vanished. I reappeared in the first place I could think of that Peter might go. I was hunting him, and I wasn’t going to let him get away with what he had done.

When I finally caught up with him I was chasing him through the streets of a Muggle town. I didn’t care who saw me; I just wanted him dead. I cornered him, and that’s when my brilliant plan suddenly backfired on me. Peter blew himself and twelve Muggles to bits, or so I thought at the time. I didn’t know until later that he had used a Severing Charm on his finger, transformed into the rat that he is, and caused the explosion just as he vanished. I stood there and laughed. I couldn’t help myself. The bloody coward couldn’t even face me. He blew himself up to escape from me.

Now as I sit here in Grimmauld Place, after serving my time in Azkaban, I’m still a prisoner. I can’t fulfill my promise to James and make sure that Harry is well cared for. I never did get to go and rescue him from the hell that was called the Dursleys. He’s a lot like his father, and I’m proud of him. I just wish that night had turned out differently, and that I had been there to watch him grow up. The biggest regret in my life is not being able to keep that promise that I made to James all those years ago.