Like a comet pulled from orbit, as it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder, halfway through the wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
-“For Good�, from the musical Wicked



He could remember the first time it had struck him, in their fourth year. It happened as he entered the vast prefects’ bathroom, expecting to be quite alone. Instead, he found himself confronted with a surprised Lily Evans, who was immersed in the bath amidst a layer of thick opaque foam.

He turned his back to her quickly, and stammered out an apology, forcing himself to be ever the gentleman, even in his current state of distress. He heard the sounds of her drawing herself out of the water and a steady dripping sound as she towelled off, assuring him all the while that it was fine, and that she was getting out anyway. He felt her tap him gently on the shoulder, and he reluctantly turned around to face her.

She stood there in a pair of well-worn pyjama pants and a pink tank top, timidly clutching her towel, her wet hair still dripping down her bare shoulder. She gave him a sleepy smile, and wished him a good evening before padding across the stone floor and through the door through which he had just come.

He told himself afterward that he was simply analyzing how much control the wolf had over him, and the way its senses would come and go during times between his transformations. He had tried to persuade the logical side of him that the rush of heat he had felt in his abdomen was brought about purely by the wolf’s reaction to seeing one of his good friends in such a state, and not his teenage hormones screaming about seeing an attractive girl in various stages of undress.

Their friendship had returned to its previous condition after the incident, and it was not mentioned again by either party. Now, however, Remus was finding it increasingly difficult to blame things on the wolf inside him as he and Lily sat side by side in the library, writing their Potions essays. They were both deep in thought, quills scratching furiously, looking up only to ask the other a quick question before resuming. As Lily reached across the table to reference the textbook sitting between them, the sleeve of her soft grey sweater brushed Remus’s bare wrist, and he had difficulty concealing the shiver that passed down his spine at the contact.

Must be because the full moon’s near, he thought, searching for excuses in his over-tired brain.

He tried desperately to concentrate on his school work, but paused unnecessarily several times to consult her potions book for answers he already knew, if only to steal a glance at her face, scrunched up in concentration. Remus admired the passion for her work evident in her deep green eyes, and found it often went unrecognized by others. Sirius, whenever trying to discourage James from his romantic pursuits, regularly brought up the fact that Lily was a rather dull bookworm, adding, “Who would want to date someone who barely looked up from their book to carry on a conversation?� But Remus identified with her their common determination for such studious activities.

He wasn’t sure what exactly drew him to Lily, but Remus knew that his friends would find it unacceptable. James had been pining after her for months now; it was common knowledge amongst the Gryffindors. Remus couldn’t help but think that James could be a bit shallow in his admirations - he didn’t notice the way her hands shook slightly after finishing a load of assigned work, or the way her breathing slowed with relaxation as she immersed herself in the pages of a book. Surely he deserved to harbour feelings of longing for her more than James, seeing as he had taken the time to analyze such minute details about her.

James had really angered Remus yesterday evening, even though he had probably meant to be teasing. Remus had been curled up in bed, reading an official-looking document that had come in the post for him that morning. It was a new set of restrictions for werewolves recently passed by the Ministry, and Remus was grateful that his father kept him updated on the cruel world outside of Hogwarts. James, however, was not pleased to see that he was reading such depressing and dismal literature, and promptly decided to tell Remus so. Deep down, he supposed, he knew that his friends were only trying to look out for him and prevent him from dwelling on his gloomy future, but he felt that it was better to face the facts and be informed. Remus had decided to ignore James’s comment, but Sirius, as always, had taken James’s side, and gave his two Knuts as well. Remus had become quite frustrated by that point.

He was irritated by their lack of maturity in that, to them, it was better to ignore reality than to accept it. Later, Remus would feel a little guilty for being short with them, and would blame himself for their lack of understanding. After all, it was his own fault for not explaining his reasons for keeping up with the current restrictions. However, at that moment, Remus was also cross about their unwavering loyalty to each other, that Sirius was always there to back up James, especially when James had things so easy compared to Remus. He could achieve top marks without hours of studying, had claimed the top spot on the Gryffindor Quidditch team effortlessly, and could always count on Sirius standing behind him. If Remus were to try all sorts of pathetic tactics to try to win Lily’s affections, Sirius would look down on him for it. James, however, was congratulated and even encouraged to continue his various schemes. Why did James deserve the easy way out? Did he have to chase after Lily’s affections when she obviously wasn’t interested? Couldn’t he spare just one aspect of happiness for Remus? But Remus knew that these were unreasonable thoughts, and that he, the filthy half-breed, could never earn the affections of such an awe-inspiring girl.

Just because she knows about your ‘condition’ doesn’t mean she would ever even consider being involved with you romantically, Remus thought miserably. But still, it wouldn’t hurt anyone if he were to admire her discreetly, would it?

Lily stifled a yawn next to him, drawing Remus back to the present situation. She appeared to have finished her essay for Slughorn, and gazed sleepily at him as she replaced the cap on her inkwell. Deciding that he would continue work on his own assignment at a later time, Remus set his quill down and began to roll up his parchment. They cleaned up in silence, and once they had stood from their secluded table in the corner of the library, he pushed in Lily’s chair for her as she pulled her bag over her shoulder, and was rewarded with another of her brilliant smiles.

Thinking privately that he would likely lay his life on the line just to receive another of those smiles, Remus and Lily exited the library and began their journey back to the common room, their shoulders occasionally bumping together as they trudged through the hallway.

As he was enjoying the amicable quiet between them, she suddenly said to him, “Has James told you to ask me about going into Hogsmeade next weekend with him again?�

Remus mutely considered this for a moment. James had done exactly that upon learning that Remus had agreed to meet Lily at eight o’clock this evening.

“No,� he said finally, surprising even himself with the falsehood. “He didn’t mention it.�

“Oh,� she responded, looking relieved at his response.

The pair continued on, and as they approached the corridor leading to the portrait of the Fat Lady, Remus said quietly, “It doesn’t matter what James thinks, really, anyway.�

Lily came to a halt, and gave him a questioning look. He felt as if her intense stare could see straight through him, and eventually continued voicing his thoughts.

“He doesn’t understand the importance that little details play in the bigger picture. He brushes them aside, thinking he can come back to them later. He doesn’t bother to notice.�

She gazed at him for a moment longer, searching his face for a revealing emotion, but appeared to find nothing. She continued on the short way down the hall to the portrait before giving the password. Remus offered his hand to her as she climbed into the common room, and shut the portrait behind them. He could tell that she was puzzled by his response, but she didn’t question him again, and she had released his hand after regaining her balance in the cosy room.

Standing on her tiptoes next to him in the nearly deserted common room, Lily placed a gentle kiss on his cheek before offering a simple “Goodnight, Remus,� and retreating up the stairs to the girls’ dormitory. He smiled involuntarily at the warmth of her lips on his face before heading to bed as well.

Upon situating himself in the four-poster bed between Peter and Sirius’s, however, Remus began to feel the intoxicating effects of spending time with Lily wearing off, and the aches and pains of the approaching full moon setting in. He knew that he would have difficulty sleeping tonight; being uncomfortable, combined with his all-consuming thoughts about Lily did not bode well for any hopes of resting. Remus listened to the soft snores coming from the three other beds for most of an hour, attempting to distract himself into sleep by dreaming up images of him and Lily, alone in a broom closet, but it was to no avail. He snaked an arm out of the hangings around his bed to check the time on the silver watch that lay on his nightstand. It was nearly one o’clock in the morning. Heaving a sigh of disappointment and wincing from the pain currently residing in his left shoulder, Remus quietly opened the hangings around his bed and gathered his maroon throw from the foot of the bed before heading back downstairs to sit beside the fire.

He stoked the fire a few times, then curled up under his blanket on the couch closest to the fire. The warmth coming from the handful of coals still glowing relieved – somewhat - his painfully tense muscles. He thought once again of Lily. He smiled at the empty room, considering how he would pursue her properly, if only he was not hindered by the slight problem of being a werewolf. The knowledge that she was informed of his “problem� did little to comfort him; he merely thought that it would give her one more reason to never let herself get involved with him.

Deep in self-depreciating thoughts, he didn’t notice the soft steps of someone descending from the girl’s dormitory until Lily was on level ground with him. She considered him from beside the armrest of the couch, and Remus noticed that she looked as wide awake as he did. It was with a smile that he also noticed that Lily was wearing the same pyjamas he had seen her in so long ago as she left the prefects’ bathroom.

“Couldn’t sleep?� he asked, and she nodded. He motioned for her to take a seat beside him on the couch, and upon noticing the gooseflesh covering her freckled arms, he offered her a place under his blanket, which she accepted with a small smile. They sat together, close but with nothing more than their elbows touching, for a short while before she whispered, “Did you mean what you said earlier?�

Remus responded with an inquisitive look, and she added, “About James’s opinion not mattering.�

“Yes,� he said shortly, and she remained silent for another moment or so.

“You said he didn’t notice.�

“Yes.�

“He doesn’t notice… details.�

“Yes,� he said once again.

“But… you do,� Lily said, with a glance at Remus’s calm face.

“I suppose,� he said slowly.

“You do,� she said more confidently this time. “You do notice. That’s why you can read me like a book.�

He smiled, his gaze remaining on the floor in front of them, and she took it as a sign to continue.

“You can judge my mood based on my appearance; you know that when my hair is up, you’d better not distract me because I’m concentrating on something. You know that I’m terrified of the dark, and that the smell of old library books intoxicates me. You notice the details, Remus.�

He nodded once, and said quietly, “I do. I know more about you than James could ever hope to discover. I know that your shampoo smells like oranges and vanilla, that you have a birthmark in the shape of a diamond on the back of your right shoulder - but you can only see it well when you’re tanned. Your favourite flavour of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans is chocolate pudding, but you prefer Muggle sweets to any of the wizarding kind. And,� he continued, quieter now, “your greatest desire is to rekindle the friendship with your sister, in hopes that your children could be the best of friends some day.�

A faint blush rose in Lily’s cheeks at his words, and Remus couldn’t help but admire how naturally beautiful she was.

“And,� he finished, “James doesn’t bother to notice any of these things, because he’s so infatuated with you for all his superficial reasons.�

Lily seemed to consider this as she gazed at the few straggling coals that continued to glow in the hearth. Then, before Remus knew what was truly happening, her small fingers moved up to entwine themselves in the hair at the nape of his neck, and her warm lips were pressed against his own. A heated glow rushed through his body at the contact, and he moved his mouth against hers, allowing her tongue to tangle with his. His hands moved to encircle her slim waist, and he pushed her top up a bit in order to run his hands over the smooth skin of her lower back. Remus relaxed into their comfortable embrace, and soon felt her actions grow slower as she became drowsy. Reluctantly, he ended their kiss, and whispered to her that they should both head up to bed.

She smiled against him as she pressed a chaste kiss to his lips, before raising herself off the couch and extending a hand to help him up. They each snuck back up to their own dormitories, and it seemed that Remus could not wipe the smile off his face as he clambered back into bed. He laid his head against the feather pillow, once again thoroughly intoxicated by having been in her presence. Remus thought to himself that perhaps it was indeed possible for an extraordinary girl such as Lily Evans to willingly engage in romantic activities with someone like himself.

Perhaps, he thought, it is possible for some to overlook some of the details that would otherwise keep them apart, and pay attention to the more important ones.



But, because I knew you
I have been changed for good.