Title: Broken Mirrors
Author: Rudhampaiel
Rating: PG

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all other related characters do NOT belong to me. (Basically, just Remus, McGonagall, James and Sirius in this case. They're all JK Rowling's.) Addie IS mine, so hahaha I DO own something. The song is not mine, it belongs to the Googoo Dolls. (Off their cd Dizzy Up the Girl, it's the song Iris.) And actually, the idea for using this song with Remus came from a fic I was reading awhile ago and unfortunately I can't remember the name of the fic or the author. However, the plot is COMPLETELY different so I'm going to say the plot is mine too. Because it is.

Summary: Remus' thoughts about the girl he loves, and a brief look at their short romance. Very angsty, quite possibly rather depressing.

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And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you'd feel me somehow.
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't know want to go home right now.



Remus had been admiring her from afar for... it felt like forever. True, he had spoken to her only twice, but he knew what he felt for her was love. How could he feel anything else, he wondered with a sad smile. She was kind, funny, sweet, and lovely to look at. Dreams of touching her, breathing in the scent of her hair and holding her kept Remus constantly distracted.

He probably would have continued to love her from afar forever had it not been for Transfiguration class. McGonagall had been assigning partners for an upcoming project. Perhaps heaven had sent down a miracle, because Remus had been paired with her; the girl he loved so but had hardly ever spoken to.

As luck would have it, the only time they could both work on the project was in the library late at night. She was a Ravenclaw, so the common rooms were out of the question. They would sit at the back of the library where no one ever went so they could work without interruptions. Usually, they claimed a small table or two armchairs near the windows. It was cozy in the library, and Remus found himself living for the hours they spent there together.

The two seventh-years often found themselves off-topic, discussing school, classmates and themselves instead of their project. Remus learned that she hated her given name of Adelina (though he thought it beautiful) and preferred to go by Addie instead. She had two younger brothers, not yet at Hogwarts, and one day hoped to become a Healer. With each conversation, Remus found himself falling more deeply in love with her.


And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life.
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight.


It was the day before the project was due that Remus kissed her. He had no idea where he got the courage. All he knew was that Addie looked particularly beautiful as she bent over her parchment. The lamplight caught a few strands of her rich brown hair, making them appear almost gold. She stopped writing and turned to ask him a question. Her cheeks colored to a faint pink and Remus realized he'd been staring.

He studied her face: grey eyes, surrounded by long dark eyelashes; a beautiful smile; graceful sweeping brows. She was perfect. He reached forward, gently taking the quill from her hand and setting it down on the table. No one else was present in the library. It was 10:30, just a half-hour till curfew on a Sunday evening, and most students were in their common rooms. Madam Pince, the librarian, had disappeared on an errand. Remus smiled, glad that the room was deserted.

He moved his hand to her cheek and leaned forward. To his extreme joy, she didn't move away. Remus closed his eyes as his lips met hers, losing himself in the sensation. Her lips were soft and firm, her cheek smooth under his touch. The kiss was short and Remus soon broke it off. He rose to his feet, slightly shaken, unsure of how she'd react. To Remus' astonishment, Addie also stood up, bringing her face just inches from his. Their breaths mingled and all he could hear was the pounding of his heart. Then, Addie closed few inches between them a second time. Remus' hands found a place around her waist and hers settled comfortably around his neck. They would have kissed for a much longer time, but Madam Pince's footsteps announced her return and they hurriedly gathered their things and left.


And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am.


But Remus didn't tell her his secret. He felt he couldn't take such a risk, at least, not so early in their relationship. When she asked where he went each month, Remus had no choice but to lie. Lying to Addie tore him apart, but what could he do? He wanted to tell her. God, did he want to tell her. But the fact remained that she couldn't know. Sometime soon, but not yet.

After three and a half months of dating, Addie informed Remus that her birthday was approaching, and that she'd like nothing better than to spend it with him. Remus was ecstatic.

"What day?" he asked.

"March 14th."

Remus' heart stopped. March 14th, the night of the full moon. He couldn't go. He desperately tried to think up a lie, but no plausible story came to him. He knew that Addie would demand an explanation though, so he went with the first thing that came to his mind.

"I can't Addie, it's my, um, my mum's birthday Friday. You know, the 14th, and I'm, er, going home." Addie's eyes narrowed.

"Don't you lie to me, Remus Lupin. First of all, no student ever leaves Hogwarts for a parent's birthday; it's not allowed. And second, your mum's birthday was last month. I remember you buying her a gift in Hogsmeade."Remus couldn't remember if Addie had ever sounded so cold towards him. He didn't think she had and he shivered as she continued. "That's two strikes Remus, don't make it three. I don't like being lied to."

Remus looked at her without meeting her eyes. She would have to find out sometime... and surely she would understand...

"I'm a werewolf," he said softly. "I can't go on Friday because it's a full moon." His words died away and a heavy silence filled the air. Remus finally glanced up, meeting Addie's eyes, and his stomach gave a wretched twist. She was staring at him in absolute horror.

"You're a - a werewolf?" she whispered in a shaky, terrified voice. Remus nodded miserably. Suddenly, she began to stumble backwards.

"I'm sorry Remus," she gasped, "but this can't work. We... we can't work." She continued to retreat, continued to stare at Remus, her face displaying her feelings toward him all too well.

"I'm sorry Remus, but we're done." She reached the end of the hall and took off around the corner. Remus stood, frozen in shock, until her footsteps died away. Then he turned around and fled.


And you can't fight the tears that ain't comin'
Or the moment of truth in your lies.
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive.


Through the portrait hole, through the common room, past James, Sirius and Peter, up the stairs, into his dormitory. Remus closed the door and locked it before collapsing onto the floor. Strangely enough, he didn't cry. His eyes burned and he blinked furiously, trying to stop the tears that didn't exist. He should be crying. He didn't think he'd ever been in so much pain. Slowly, Remus got to his feet. His eyes scanned the room rather dazedly, finally alighting on a mirror.

Remus was surprised at the sudden hatred that surged through his body as he looked at his reflection. He couldn't deal with such a deep self-loathing. He hated the tears that wouldn't come, though he knew he'd try to stop them if he did; hated the monster that lurked just beneath his skin; hated himself.

He stumbled the few steps over to the mirror, his reflected eyes drawing him in. So much pain, so much hurt, so much hate. With a cry of despair Remus slammed his fist into the mirror. The glass shattered into a million fragments. His hand was covered with cuts but Remus ignored the pain. He continued to destroy the mirror until every piece of glass had parted from the frame. Remus wearily fell to his knees and scooped a pile of glass into his uninjured hand. He looked at it and countless reflections stared back at him. They weren't whole though; they were fractured, an eye here, a nose there. Remus tightened his fist over them as the tears finally came, accompanied by the blood welling up through his fingers.


And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am.


A loud pounding on the door followed by James calling "Remus, we heard a crash, are you okay?" briefly roused Remus from his depressing thoughts.

"I'm fine," he croaked, knowing full well that if he didn't answer, James and Sirius would break down the door and find a way into the room.

"Are you sure?" This time it was Sirius' voice.

"Just go away," Remus shouted back, flinging a handful of mirror fragments at the door. He finally heard the sound of retreating footsteps, though he knew they'd be back.

Remus studied his bloody hands. They had begun to throb painfully. His face had that odd feeling one gets when one has been crying. Like the skin is stretched tightly and one is unable to move, as though glued to the spot. His knees ached from where tiny slivers of glass had embedded themselves. The room was a mess.


And I don't want the world to see me


He wanted to stay up here forever, dealing only with the physical pain he felt. Physical pain he could handle; it was the emotional pain that threatened to drown him. He just wanted to stay here, where no one would see him.


'Cause I don't think that they'd understand


"I'm sorry Remus, but we're done," echoed through his head, filling it completely. He should have seen it coming, should have known how things would turn out, should have known she wouldn't understand. How could they understand, that though the monster was a part of Remus it wasn't all of Remus. It could be controlled, was controlled. It didn't matter now.


When everything's made to be broken


The mirror, his hands, himself. All broken, all needing repair. The mirror was easy; a simple 'Reparo' spell would do the trick. His hands, less easy, but a trip to Madame Pomfrey would fix them. Himself... he might never be fixed. There was too much pain, too much hate, it could never be completely gone. Maybe he was meant to be broken.


I just want you to know who I am


Maybe he could show Addie that he wasn't the monster she thought he was. Even as the idea flashed through his mind, though, he knew it was hopeless. She thought he was a monster and that wouldn't change. He couldn't just be Remus Lupin; he was forever cursed to be Remus Lupin the werewolf.


And I don't want the world to see me


Hide up here forever...


'Cause I don't think that they'd understand


...how could they see...


When everything's made to be broken


...mirrors, hands, hearts...


I just want you to know who I am


But he himself didn't know...


I just want you to know who I am


...where to start...


I just want you to know who I am


He'd start by putting the mirror back together.

Then his hands.

Then himself.