Alphard,

I love you. I love you. I love you.
And you know I would never waste those words. I would never say those words if I didn’t mean them.


“Who is the letter from?� Walburga said, looking down the long, brown wood table at him. It was dark in the room. Light should have shone through the large French windows, three of which ran parallel to the table, but it was a dull, cloudy, autumn day. She was handsome. Extremely pale skin, which would yellow before its time, large black eyes, and a nose that dominated her face like a mountain ridge.

“A friend.�

“What friend?�

Alphard did not hear. He had only half heard her first question because he was absorbed by the letter.


I’m sorry about what I said. About your family. I should not insult them, and you should not insult mine. That is fair. What I’m trying to do – it’s difficult.

I don’t know whether you love me or not. I think you do, but you’re so damned enigmatic and quiet I don’t really know. I’ll never forget the day we went to Devon together. It seemed perfect. It didn’t seem real. It felt like I had fallen through a Looking Glass, or a Mirror, into a world where we could be together, and be happy. And we were that day. At least I thought we were. You were smiling; more times than I have ever seen you smile. We walked to the top of the green hill and lay down beneath the tree we found there. The sky was blue, and there wasn’t a cloud. And in the distance, over the quilt of green fields farmed by Muggles with ingenuity and beauty, we could see the sea. You were resting against the tree, and the wind was blowing through the grass, and you were looking out to sea, with such an unfathomable, wistful expression, I almost broke the warm summer silence we had created so effortlessly. I remember wishing I could make a comfortable silence as easily with my wife.

Lucinda married me out of anger. You know that, don’t you? She was so angry, and she chose to be angry not at Muggleborns, but at Purebloods, so she married me to spite her family. We’re not a happy couple. We could get a divorce, easily; I’m sure she would like that idea. Of course she would keep all the money, but that wouldn’t matter because you are wealthy enough. She wants one, I’m sure of it. Anything to annoy her family. I think to have married and then to have divorced a queer Mudblood would annoy them more than anything, don’t you?

I can almost see the Malfoys foaming at the mouth. The look on Abraxaxs’s face when she told him she was marrying me- I’m rambling. I’m sorry; you know I do that. But you never talk, or rarely do; you’re so damned quiet. I couldn’t- I don’t like silence. I have to fill it with something, anything. Nonsense if necessary. And that was why it was special that day; we were silent and happy together. I almost asked you, then, if you would sail away with me.

But I didn’t. I didn’t want that day to be ruined by you saying no. I ruined the next day, when we went to that Jazz club in London, by trying to kiss you, and you, without a word, taking me home, me as drunk as a pig, and still trying to kiss you. And I thought you wanted me. I’m sorry if I’m wrong.

So what I’m asking you, what I’m trying to say without insulting your family, or making you feel pressured into doing something you don’t want to do, because I love you so much, is that would you sail away with me?

I’m asking you to elope. Run away. For God’s sake, I’m fed up with sordid one nights in the park or in sleazy bars. I want you. I can’t stop thinking about you. So please write to me telling me you want me, too. We can be happy, together. I hear that you are no longer engaged; apparently the Bulstrodes decided that, apart from your wealth and intelligence, you were too depressed for their daughter. She would not mind me leaving her. I know you are a sensitive person, and I give you my word that Lucinda Malfoy married me to spite her brother and not for love.

We could go to America . . . a continent not shaken by the damned war. We need to run away together; we deserve to be happy.

Please Alphard. Please say yes.

I love you.

Chance Dawson.


“Alphard!� Walburga snapped. “You are not listening to a word I say.�

“Wally shouldn’t you-� he began in a slightly bored, low, and quiet voice.

“Don’t call me Wally! No-one’s called me Wally since I was twelve! Don’t call me that,� she said very quickly, staring at him, daring him to contradict her. He looked at her briefly with an expression of despair, and then glanced away.

“I asked who the letter was from.�

“A friend.�

“What friend?�

Alphard prevented himself from making a noise of irritation, and said, “Abraxas,� almost without thinking.

“Oh yes, how is his wife?�

“Fine. Their child is due in three months.�

“And you are to be godfather?�

“Yes.�

“Do I detect a slight tone of reluctance?�

“It is an honour to be asked, but at the moment I do not feel able to-� He suddenly felt angry at Walburga for questioning him, angry at the world, and he snapped, “shouldn’t you be flirting with Orion?�

Her mouth opened slightly in surprise. She looked hurt, but then, looking down at her half-eaten breakfast, said in a dry voice, “I think it is you, Alphard, who needs to think carefully about his partner. Cyguns is already married – �

“I know he is.� Alphard ground his teeth.

“I do not know what’s got into you this morning. You are not normally this angry. Was it something Abraxas said?�

“No, it wasn’t something Abraxas- Walburga, please tell me you are tired of lies.�

“What? You are in a strange mood! Please calm yourself – �

“But,� he began, but then suddenly all the fight, little of it as there had been, fell from him, and he just shook his head. Walburga continued staring at him, hawk-eyed, attempting to pierce him with her glare, but he felt strangely immune to it. He was used to his sister trying to get information out of him, but it had been a few years since she succeeded.

She seemed to accept his silence as a declaration of a draw, and asked, “What did Abraxas have to say?�

“He wants to meet up to talk about the Christening; I’m seeing him at twelve. Kreacher!� he shouted, but not too loudly. Walburga gave him an amused but indulgent smile.

“You never did learn how to shout,� Walburga said before shouting Kreacher’s name louder. Alphard felt the vestiges of anger in him rise up at her hypocrisy. How could he calm down, but have to shout, at the same time? For him, these were two opposite actions. However he soon calmed down at Kreacher’s appearance.

“Kreacher, fetch an owl, and some writing materials. Bring them to my room. Thank you for breakfast, Walburga.�

“Kreacher made it. Really Alphard, why you are so impolite to him? You could at least say thank you.�

“Thank you, Kreacher,� he said dully as he left the room.

******

Later that day, the weather was unchanged. A white sky, on a dull autumn day, which Alphard felt the weight of as he walked past the naked trees of St. James’ park, saw the pond with the ducks upon it, and Muggles in black suits talking quietly together and glancing round anxiously. On the other side of the park, he crossed the road and walked down the steps into a basement. Initially he was blinded by the thick smoke, but then saw Chance sitting at the dark brown bar. A few Muggles at the opposite end of the bar glanced up at Alphard, as did the thick set barman, but they then returned to their conversation and drying up respectively. Chance leapt down from his bar stool.

“Alphard,� Chance said, slightly breathlessly, “I thought you wouldn’t- what’s the matter?�

Alphard walked straight past him, without a word, to the red leather booth in the corner next to the pool table.

Chance Dawson was very good looking. Tall, and although looking about Alphard’s age, his face was fresher, helped by rosy, slightly tanned cheeks, bright blue eyes, and straw like eyebrows and eyelashes to match his thick, blonde hair with a sweeping fringe. A slightly cocky smile had been on his fine face for a split second, but had disappeared, to be replaced with concern at Alphard’s face of marble.

“Could I have a drink?� Alphard said quietly.

“Of course,� Chance said, and jumped up, half running to the bar. His hand was shaking when he passed it over to Alphard, who had slumped on the table, head in his arms. “Hey,� Chance nudged the arm. “What’s the matter?�

“I’m upset.� Alphard said, voice muffled by his arms.

“Why?�

Chance saw Alphard’s arms move, heard him sigh, but it was too late. Alphard had detected the slight note of glee. Very slight, very subtle, but still there.

“Do you think I’m running away with you?�

“If you are, it’s understandable you would be upset,� Chance said cautiously.

“It would be understandable. But unfortunately, I am not stupid enough to do that.� After he said that, he sat up straight and looked at Chance. Chance was slightly dumbstruck, his face looking handsomely stupid.

Then he smiled lightly, and said, “I’m sorry? You are not running away with me?�

“No.� Alphard looked up, his eyes meeting Chance’s. Chance flinched. He did not like being stared at in that way. Alphard normally did not meet the eyes of the person he was talking to, and Chance was not quite sure how to deal with this new, direct approach.

“Why not?� he said nervously. Then, quickly, “Because you are too scared to abandon your family?�

“No.�

“But you just said-�

“The Chance Dawson I fell in love with does not exist. He is an act, which you performed, very well, to seduce me.�

“But,� he said, breathless again, “but Alphard . . . how can you say that?� He tried to hold Alphard’s hand but Alphard, expressionless, moved back, sitting up even straighter. “How can you, do that, say that, after all-�

“STOP PRETENDING.� It was not a shout. Or it was, but there was no anger in there; it was a pure and direct order, which silenced Chance immediately.

Neither noticed the people at the bar shuffle slightly, glance over, then, not wanting to seem too nosy, turning back to their conversation.

“I’ve never heard you shout. Never heard you order someone.� Chance was speaking in a quiet voice, lacking the youthful desperation of his previous one. “Not like most purebloods. I always knew you were different-�

“I asked you to stop pretending,� Alphard said dully.

Chance looked at him longingly, like a puppy, with self-pity and despair. His lower lip trembled.

After a few seconds, Alphard just said, “You missed the mark that time. Too over the top.�

“Very well. I will stop pretending,� Chance said bitterly, sneering slightly at himself for obeying Alphard’s command. “What gave me away?� The youthfulness had left his face during the sudden transition. He was now holding it at an angle to Alphard, as if uncertain of how the face should be set. His eyes seemed narrower and there were faint wrinkles in his forehead.

Alphard was making an effort to keep his voice emotionless. He thought I may not be able to invent emotions as well as Chance, but I know I can hide them better. “I suspected for some time. My suspicions were proved by the letter you sent yesterday.�

“I spent a long time on that,� Chance said, with a mocking accusatory tone.

“You should not have tried to pretend that Lucinda is not head over heels in love with you.�

“How can you tell that she is?� Chance picked up Alphard’s glass and drained it, the glass thudding to the table as he said, “You’ve never been in love.�

“I thought I was.� Alphard realised quickly he had slipped, and Chance had noticed. Of course he had, Alphard thought, he has been watching me ever since Lucinda realised what he was, no, before that even, studying me in preparation.


“I can exist.� The bitter, angry sarcasm left, replaced by a youthful eagerness, as Chance tried another attempt at persuasion, “Alphard, I promise you, if you run away with me, we can pretend; I can be the person you fell in love with. That person isn’t gone,� Chance was gesticulating with his whole body, sitting up, leaning towards Alphard, who remained like stone, “that Chance is part of me, and I can make him the only part,�

“It is a lie,� Alphard interrupted. “And I am tired of lies. Besides, you can’t leave her.�

“Why not?� Chance said dismissively; clearly this was not a problem he had expected to encounter. “She’s an alcoholic now, and a gambler, that’s where all the money’s gone, little of it that there,� he stopped at Alphard’s slight frown at his bitterness. Chin up, Chance told himself, the man is so rich and repressed he might still have you. Don’t give up.

But Chance had misjudged Alphard, who was saying calmly, “Did you really expect to get a penny of Malfoy money on marrying her?�

“She told me she would get some.� He could not keep the righteous indignation from his voice, and shouted, half standing, leaning over Alphard, frozen still at the other side of the table. “She lied to ME!�

“She was in love with you. Of course she lied,� Alphard stated it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “And no wonder she’s an alcoholic and gambler, with you running after everything that moves-� Alphard stopped again, having failed to keep the accusation from his voice.

“I am not satisfied by her.� Chance said baldly, sitting down properly. As if that were an excuse, Alphard thought, All the gossips thinking she regrets marrying a Muggleborn when really she regrets marrying a man who does not love her.

“Not because you are queer, though.�

“How dare you! I am . . . I am as persecuted-�

“You will sleep with anything that moves and flatters you, or anything you can flatter into giving you something for nothing, male or female. And you tried to flatter me, by playing this- this innocent, happy boy.�

Chance bit back his retort. Then he smiled, not the warm, innocent smile he had used so often, almost surprising himself at how genuine it felt, on that summer’s day in Devon, but a snide, self conscious one, probing Alphard’s character.

“And don’t you find that exciting?�

But again he had misjudged.

“No. I find it vulgar and sordid.�

“I can pretend to be the person you thought I was – �

“My suspicions were first aroused the other week at the Jazz club when you pretended to be drunk.�

“I was drunk.�

“Only slightly. I’ve seen you drink more than that and still walk in a straight line. I may be a pureblood, but I am not stupid.�

There was a silence as the two men looked at each other levelly, both waiting for the other to say something. Chance, encouraged by the fact that Alphard had not left yet, tried the different tactic of laying his cards on the table.

“Don’t you want me, Alphard?� He knew this was true, but he wanted to know whether Alphard had overcome the twin prejudices of racism and homophobia instilled in him since birth in order to admit this. When Alphard did not reply, Chance said slowly, “Aren’t I handsome?�

He dared Alphard to deny it.

“You are very handsome.�

There, a catch in the unfathomable Black’s throat. Chance continued, the facade of the innocent youth dropped in favour of a different act, one much closer to his true personality.

“Tell me, are you a virgin, Alphard? Are you? You are!� He grinned. “I thought all Pureblood males had a half-blood mistress as a seventeenth birthday present.�

“The lies,� Alphard muttered in irritation, before recovering himself and saying, “Chance.� Damn, Chance thought, if this was going well he would not be able to say my name without emotion. He sounds like a school teacher, a kind one, who does not pretend to possess more knowledge than the pupils . . . only a different sort . . . but a teacher nevertheless, and I need to be the teacher in this. “Purebloods have faults, yes, but we have faults because we’re human, just like you.� He was speaking carefully, in a somewhat laboured fashion. “My family are proud and prejudiced––�

Chance interrupted him.

“And homophobia.�

“Not all of us,� Alphard said quickly, forgetting what he had intended on saying to Chance before the interjection.

“No, just the ones too scared to leave their closets and play in the park in the dark.�

“Muggles are no better.�

“Oh, you’ve researched it. Who told – �

“Lucinda.�

There was another cold, short silence, which, again, Chance broke.

“I did not know you spoke with my wife.�

“Lucinda was my best friend. Without me, you two would never have married,� Alphard said, trying to repress the accusatory tone, and failing. Chance smiled, a small, supercilious smirk, which made Alphard feel used and worthless. He could not look at Chance as he said, “Did you really think your charm and my faith in you were strong enough,� feeling his voice grow heavy with emotion, and attempting to restrain it, “for me to believe that Lucinda did not care for you?�

“Why,� Chance put on a cocky smile, still believing Alphard found this personality attractive, “yes I did.�

“You were wrong.�

“Do you blame me, throughout our- our courtship, I suppose you have to call it . . . do you blame me for what was happening to Lucy -no,� he smiled, “No, no,�

Alphard had had feelings for Chance, and seeing the strange way, almost an elliptical shape, his mouth formed on saying “no,� suddenly sent a spark, a leap of emotion through Alphard, and strange thoughts, thoughts he had not thought before. No, he had thought before, briefly, as he was walking away from a man pretending to be drunk and in love with him, he had thought You want him, you want his touch but then again, so quickly, not if this is all pretend.

“Alphard, my dear friend,� he loaded the word with irony, “you cannot blame me for what is happening to Lucinda. Because if, say, you were a woman, or a girl, really, as she is for all her pretences at maturity, then I think our relationship could be very close to cheating on her. We even had a romantic weekend in the country-�

“Nothing happened,� Alphard said quickly.

“But it was romantic,� Chance grinned, “And you are one of those people I flatter, and yes, I expected some financial benefit, which, sadly, has not materialised, but nevertheless, I do not think you can pretend not to have aided me in the slow torture of my wife.�

“Torture?� Alphard said slowly.

“I wanted her to fall in love with me. I seduced her just as I almost succeeded in seducing you, and I loved every minute . . . the thought of the Malfoys’ anger. I may be Muggleborn, but I know class when I see it, and – you don’t know anything about me. I wanted to destroy her. I got a Pureblood. I married a Pureblood, and now she is desperately unhappy, and it’s all because of me.� He paused to let the words sink in, before continuing, “My mother had the same knack. She married a Lord. His family were disgusted, but they both thought it was worth it. They did, however, love each other. And you know when the war was on, and you Wizards sitting in your houses, protected from the bombs falling from the sky, not doing a thing, well Dumbledore did a bit, but most, just because you,� he pointed angrily, “thought we,� gestured to himself and, briefly, the men at the bar, “were worthless? So why shouldn’t I have seduced Lucinda? Why shouldn’t I stick two fingers up to anyone who tries to say I’m not as good as the rest? I got Lucinda Malfoy to fall in love with me, and now I’ve got you. Not as much as I had her, but I’ve got you. If I hadn’t had her first, would you then be so unwilling to run away with me?�

“You don’t love me. To you I am a Pureblood, and a very, very rich one. That is all.� Alphard did not want to answer the question.

“Yes. And to you, I am a very handsome, beautiful some might say, young man, who is offering himself to you for a price. Otherwise, this will be a waste of an afternoon.�

Alphard’s eyes filled with shock. He shook his head quickly, and then stood up. “No. Lucinda loves you, you are hers- It is appalling, what you are doing to her.�

“Yes it is, isn’t it? I suppose I should stop; it shows Abraxas that he was right to try and prevent her marriage to me. But what can I do? I disgust you, don’t I? But I’m just in the gutter, and you were born with a silver fork shoved down your throat. I will crawl up by any means, and,� he grinned slyly at Alphard’s now frozen face, “you still want me.�

“Yes.� He had said it before he could stop himself, but then it was too late. He felt a stab of anger.

“So why won’t you run away with me? Even though you know what I am, what I’m really like? I will add many were once fooled, but are too proud to admit it. Why not?�

Alphard took a minute to gather his thoughts, sitting down again. He could not meet Chance’s eyes, either when he was thinking, or when he finally spoke.

“Firstly, I do not like being tricked, or taken advantage of. Secondly, I feel for Lucinda as I do for a sister. Thirdly, you are a Muggleborn.�

“And what matters most, Pureblood?�

“I am under no obligation – � Alphard hated himself as he said it, but could not speak the truth.

“You,� Chance said, realisation swelling in his voice, “don’t know. You really don’t know.� He shook his head in disbelief. “I pity you. I may be a foul parasite who lives off others, but at least I know I am. You really have no idea what you are, do you?�

Alphard found himself nodding his head, too grateful that someone else had articulated the thought he had been too scared to himself, to deny it.

“So,� Chance said as he leaned forward across the table, “Don’t you want to? Just once, don’t you want to know,� he glanced round dramatically, “what sex feels like?� And again, for Alphard, it was the lips, deep red and mouth open, begging to be silenced with a kiss. “I won’t even charge. I promise I will expect nothing back from you.�

No, Alphard thought, No. You will not have a Black and a Malfoy. I will not see our families ruined by you. But he could not deny that, from the little he knew about his desires, he knew he wanted Chance, even if he was a cocky bastard. He wanted him badly.

“I will not,� he said, “sleep with someone with whom the only connection is physical,�

“Oh, don’t talk rubbish,� Chance scoffed, and gripping Alphard’s chin from across the table, kissed him full on the mouth. It had been a long time since Alphard had kissed someone he wanted, and initially his mind could not control his body, and with his pale hands he clung Chance closer to him. Suddenly Alphard, in his mind’s eye saw Lucinda as she had been the last time he saw her, drunk and wearing carelessly applied make-up, grinning like a clown, and swaying like a ragdoll thrown in a gale, needing to be out of control, her maniacal face lit from below by the light of the roulette board. Alphard tore himself away.

“No,� but his voice was trembling.

“Well, Alphard,� Chance stood up, brushed himself down, and said, “if you ever change your mind, you know our address. Although visiting us would be as good as marrying a Muggleborn yourself, wouldn’t it? And you, for all you have said this afternoon, are too much of a coward for that.�

Alphard leapt up in anger, and almost drew his wand, but then, again, his resolve collapsed, realising that what Chance said was true. He sat down.

“I do pity you. I may be a bastard, but I’m not a coward. I do what I want, and hang the consequences. But you . . . you are too scared to even do that. I do not think we shall meet again.�

He walked out of the bar. Alphard sat still staring after him for a long time. The barman silently brought him another drink, to which Alphard absent-mindedly nodded in thanks. Another Muggle offered him a cigarette, which he accepted.

Once the drink and the cigarette were both finished, he stood up, threw a five pound note on the table, which the Muggles stared at in surprise, and then left the basement bar to visit Abraxas and discuss a Christening.