Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me

His name was Milton. Milton Southwell. He was tall – over a head taller than me – with broad shoulders and strong hands that made me feel so safe. He had messy brown hair and a lopsided grin that never failed to make my stomach flutter. He chewed his nails when he was nervous, and there was a birthmark shaped like a jellybean just to the left of his bellybutton. He was into politics, both Wizarding and Muggle, and his favourite food was spaghetti bolognaise made by his mother. He was quite serious, but at the same time the funniest person I had ever met. He went to Hogwarts, and then after school he went into training at St Mungo’s. He had piercing grey eyes that bore into your very soul. He had a tooth missing after it was knocked out in a fight when he was fifteen. He waved his hands when he talked. He was my boyfriend, and he loved me.

But most importantly of all, he was a Mudblood.

We had been dating since the end of our sixth year, and were still together four years later. Granted, it had been more of a long-distance relationship lately since he was flat-out with training to be a Healer and I was … well, I was busy being a Black. Mother never would have let me out of the house if she had known about Milton, and I could only make up excuses about going to see my girlfriends every so often before she got suspicious. Despite this, our relationship was only getting stronger.

When I wasn’t with him, I was thinking about him. I would lay in bed at night, craving his touch, his smell. His hands clasping mine as we lay in bed together, whispering about our hopes and dreams as the sun slowly set and then rose again. Whispers of the future. The future that seemed so close we could almost taste it. The future in which our cherished nights spent together would be endless, and the whispered dreams would become reality.

Getting married had always been on my agenda. To be honest, it was more or less my only agenda. I hadn’t bothered to get a job after finishing school – there was no point, not with the amount of money my family had. And in any case, Father never would have allowed me to become a working girl. We were Blacks, and working was something for the lesser people. I dwindled away the months – and then the years – going shopping with Mother, writing letters, reading and doing anything that took my fancy, with Milton always on my mind. Always. When it boiled down to it, he was my only reason for living.

A week or so before my 21st birthday, Mother and I were in Diagon Alley shopping for some new dress robes that I could wear to my party. We had trailed through Madam Malkin’s and were just headed for Roquefort’s Robes when I saw a familiar face making its way towards us. My heart jumped into my throat as I recognised Milton’s usual grin plastered across his face, and I shot a panicked look at my mother. He wouldn’t be so stupid as to address me as his girlfriend around my mother, but if something slipped …

‘Morning, Narcissa!’ he said as he approached us. ‘Madam Black,’ he added, tipping his head in my mother’s direction, ‘I went to school with your daughter.’

She looked him up and down, noting the Healer’s robes with an approving nod. He had her consent to talk to me, at least for the time being. She moved a few feet away to look in a shop window whilst we continued our faux conversation.

‘So, how have you been?’ Milton asked, grinning at my displeasure as I threw him filthy looks. We had an arrangement not to speak in public, but it seemed he had decided to bypass that this morning. I rolled my eyes, but went along with it.

‘Not too bad. We’re shopping for dress robes,’ I said pointlessly, since I had told him yesterday what I was going to be doing that morning. ‘I turn 21 next week.’ Again, pointless. ‘Say, shouldn’t you be at work?’

This was a genuine question, as I had no idea what he would be doing wandering around Diagon Alley when he should be at St. Mungos. Milton grinned. ‘I wasn’t supposed to be there,’ he said. ‘I showed up at work and realised I wasn’t rostered on for today. Not that I’m complaining. I get the whole day to myself!’

He said this with a knowing smile that I understood instantly. After over four years together, I knew him inside out – and it wasn’t hard to tell what he was thinking, especially when he looked at me in such an obvious way. I felt my cheeks grow warm, and I looked away as Mother glanced in our direction, impatient to go.

‘Well, that’s nice. I’ll see you – I’ll see you around,’ I said, just stopping myself from saying ‘later’. He gave me a cheery wave before striding off in the direction he came from – he must have come to Diagon Alley purely to find me and tell me he had the day off. I followed Mother silently as thoughts of the afternoon ahead swirled through my mind.

‘Who was that?’ Mother asked as we wandered into a shop that sold quills and parchment. I picked up a feathery blue quill, inspected it and put it down again.

‘Oh … Milton Southwell.’ It took all my effort to say his name casually, as if it meant nothing to me.

‘He seemed a nice boy,’ Mother said disinterestedly. ‘Pureblood?’

I should have known it was coming. Mother had come across Milton several times before, but it wasn’t as if she would remember him. To her, names and faces were disposable if they weren’t Purebloods.

‘Um, half-blood,’ I lied. It was more reputable than Muggle-born, and if I had said Pureblood she would have asked his last name and I would have been caught out in my lie immediately. She nodded, only half paying attention.

‘Pity. Now, what colour did we decide on for your robes …?’

I breezed through the rest of the shopping trip, trying on anything Mother threw at me in record time and eventually leaving Roquefort’s with expensive dress robes that I had barely looked at. I was just eager to get back home and make my excuses to see Milton. It had been nearly two weeks since we had last seen each other, and I was dying without him.

When we got home, I took my new dress robes up to my bedroom, throwing them into the wardrobe without a second glance. I got changed and redid my makeup before dashing back downstairs to the parlour, where Father was reading the newspaper and Mother was recounting our morning to him.

‘I nearly forgot, I’m supposed to be meeting Leanne this afternoon,’ I said, naming a girl I had gone to school with and hadn’t seen in years, despite my using her name as an excuse every few months. ‘Do you mind? She invited me over for dinner, so I’ll be back around eight or so.’

‘Do you think you can delay this meeting an hour?’ Mother asked, to my surprise. She usually would have let me go without a second thought, as she hated for anyone to be late for engagements. It must have been important. I nodded cautiously, sitting down on the lounge chair opposite them and folding my hands in my lap. Mother looked over at her husband, who actually put down his newspaper to look at me.

‘Now, Narcissa,’ he said, leaning back in his armchair. ‘As I trust you have realised, you turn 21 next week.’

I nodded again, wondering where this was going. I looked at Mother and opened my mouth to say something, but she silenced me with a shake of her head and looked towards Father again. He cleared his throat.

’At this time, you are of perfect age to be marrying. We won’t disregard your opinions, but I have had several delightful young men come to see me in the past few months …’

By this point, I had tuned out. My heart had leapt into my throat, and I could only think of one thing. Milton. My parents would never accept him, never let me marry him. And I could hardly dream of marrying anyone else – I had been with Milton for four years. Four years was long enough for him to become a part of me, so much that our hearts probably beat in time. I couldn’t imagine living without him in my life. The walls seemed to close in on me as my breathing quickened and I lowered my eyes to the floor.

‘… Cissy? Are you all right?’ My mother’s voice seemed to come from extremely far away. I took a deep breath, pulling myself together as I looked back up at my parents. Mother smiled. ‘Don’t look so worried. This is a wonderful occasion. You will simply love married life.’

‘I’ve had some perfect suitors come for you,’ Father said, showing a hint of a smile. He never smiled. ‘Last week, especially … what do you think of Lucius Malfoy, my dear?’

The way he asked me this question gave me no options whatever. Telling me that they would listen to my opinions was a lie, something to comfort my ego as they went about the task of finding me a husband. Pretending I actually had a say in this was a falsehood – I very rarely had a say in anything to do with my life. After all, I was just a foolish young girl.

‘I – I don’t know him very well,’ I said quietly. My mouth was dry. I vaguely remembered him from Hogwarts – he was a self-righteous, arrogant man who exuded looks and charm. He was extremely popular, I remembered. The girls I had been friends with had fawned over him.

‘Oh, he’s simply wonderful!’ my mother gushed. ‘He’s gone and bought you the most beautiful ring … just wait until you see it, Cissy. You’ll love it. You’ll love him.’

I began to realise just how little say I was having in this at all.

‘We’re going to announce the engagement at your 21st,’ Father said. He checked his pocket watch. ‘Now, Lucius should be in any minute – we’ll leave you two alone for a while, allowing you to get acquainted. He’ll be visiting quite a bit over the next week …’

‘I –’

‘Cissy, fix your hair a little. You need to make a good first impression …’

‘Remember your manners, Narcissa. As your Father, I will not tolerate my youngest daughter embarrassing me in front of such an established member of society, especially one that is to be your husband.’

‘Did you even brush your hair? It’s all knotty!’ Mother said as fussed over my head.

‘But –’

The doorbell rang, and we all froze in place. Mother was leaning over me, trying to fix my hair, whilst Father looked towards the door. They both jumped up as it opened and our house-elf walked in.

‘Mister Black, there is a Lucius Malfoy here to see you,’ she chirped, curtseying. Father nodded, and a tall blonde man walked in as the house-elf disappeared. He had a haughty look on his face as he surveyed the room, his eyes lingering on me.

‘Hello, dear Lucius!’ Mother said brightly. ‘I trust you know our daughter, Narcissa?’

‘I have had the pleasure of being her acquaintance,’ he said smoothly, coming over to me and reaching out for my hand to kiss it. I closed my eyes briefly, thinking of what Milton would say if he saw me right now. He was probably at home, waiting for me to show up …

‘We’ll leave you two alone for a while,’ Mother said, patting my shoulder as she left the room, followed by Father. There was an awkward silence as the door closed softly behind us, and then Lucius motioned for me to sit down. He sat next to me, covering my hand with his. I gritted my teeth, trying not to yank it away. This wasn’t right. I had a boyfriend.

Not for much longer, you won’t, a voice inside my head told me.

‘I have something for you,’ Lucius said, smiling. He pulled a small jewellery box out of his pocket and opened it. The ring. Mother was right – it was beautiful – but I was getting it from the wrong person in the wrong situation. As Lucius slid it onto my finger, I felt my dreams for mine and Milton’s future slowly slipping away from me. How could I marry him when my marriage to Lucius was more or less finalised?

‘Thank you,’ I whispered, looking down at my hands as I tried to fight the tears. Lucius reached out and touched my face, lifting my chin so I would look him in the eyes. ‘Lucius, I –’

‘It’s fine,’ he said, interrupting me. ‘You’re allowed to be nervous.’

I nodded silently, deciding that by this point it was probably best just not to say anything. He continued to talk, telling me about the home his parents had left him (they had died a year or so ago), his money, the social circle he was a part of. My future life. My stomach sunk as Milton kept floating through my mind. He had no idea how much our futures had just changed in the past half hour.

* * *

A half hour later, I was stumbling out of the fireplace in Milton’s house, tears streaming down my cheeks. I had hardly walked into his living room before someone called out ‘Cissy!’ and I was lifted off my feet into the strong arms that made me feel as though I had no care in the world.

‘Oh, Milton,’ I sighed, burying my face in his shoulder and trying to forget the events that had just occurred. He put me down, eyes searching mine intently.

‘What is it? What’s happened?’ he asked, holding my face in his hands, just as Lucius had done. But these hands were different. They were comforting, familiar … they were Milton’s, and that made all the difference in the world.

‘Nothing,’ I said, lifting my head and wiping away the tears as best I could. I didn’t want to tell him. Not yet. He stroked my hair, eyes searching my face for the source of the problem. Squeezing his hand tightly, fresh tears began to fall. I couldn’t keep secrets from Milton. ‘I’m getting engaged. To Lucius Malfoy.’

Whatever he was expecting, that was not it. ‘Wait, what?’ he asked, dropping my hand and taking a step back. ‘Lucius Malfoy? Really? You couldn’t even cheat on me with someone decent?’

I thought he was trying to make a joke, but after we stared at each other for a few seconds I realised that he was entirely serious. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry some more. So I did both. ‘You idiot,’ I said. ‘I don’t want to be engaged to him. Do you honestly think I had a choice?’

A look of relief descended across his face. ‘Oh, Ciss,’ he said, reaching out and pulling me against his chest. I clutched at his shirt, breathing in his familiar smell. ‘That is so unfair.’

‘That’s an understatement,’ I choked out. ‘Milton, I don’t want to marry him. I want to marry you.’

He fell silent, holding me close as I sobbed into his shirt. After all we had been through in the past few years; words were not needed for us to understand each other. I tried to concentrate on Milton and nothing else. His arms around me, his hands running through my long blonde hair, his heart beating next to my cheek as I leant against his chest. Eventually the tears stopped, and he led me over to sit down on his couch.

Wordlessly, I showed him the giant diamond that Lucius had placed upon my finger a mere hour ago. Milton’s hands tightened on mine, and I could see his jaw set. It was taking all his strength not to show me his anger, I could tell.

‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered, hanging my head. ‘They just pushed it on me … he came in … gave me the ring …’

‘It’s not your fault,’ Milton said, his features softening. He pushed a stray hair away from my face, and then wiped his thumb carefully over the marks left by my tears. ‘It’ll be okay, Ciss. We’ll sort this out.’

‘How?’ I choked out. It was a ridiculous question, since he had only said that to comfort me, but I couldn’t help but wish that he had a magical solution that would solve everything. He sighed, pulling me into an embrace as he kissed my hair. I looked up at him. ‘I love you,’ I said quietly.

He kissed my lips softly. ‘I love you too.’ There was a silence in which we looked at each other. ‘Cissy … will you marry me?’

I blinked. ‘What?’

‘Marry me,’ Milton repeated. He jumped up. ‘Look, this isn’t out of the blue. I’ve actually been thinking about this for a while … I’ve been saving up for a ring.’ He blushed, but then kneeled beside the lounge to grab my hands. ‘We can run away. Screw your family, screw Malfoy. It’ll just be you and me. I have a job, a bit of money saved – we can make a fresh start. You might have to get a job, but I promise you we’ll get by.’

I bit my lip. His eyes were shining as he waited for me to say something. But I was frozen. This was what I wanted, wasn’t it? To marry Milton. To become Mrs. Narcissa Southwell, and live in a house by the sea raising our children and cooking dinner for him as he came home from work. My dream.

But at the same time, I knew it was almost impossible. With my family, a lot of things were impossible. As much as I despised the rules and regulations they made me live my life by, I couldn’t help but love them. They were family, after all. We had become especially tight-knit after Andromeda had run off two months prior with the Muggle-born, Ted Tonks. It had nearly broken Mother. Father seemed like he couldn’t care less, but he had withdrawn into himself and he was loath to even let me out the house anymore, even if I was only going to visit Bellatrix. She, of course, maintained the same haughty stance that she had always taken – if Andromeda was going to get involved with people like that, then she wasn’t part of our family.

It had occurred to me more than once that I could do exactly the same as Dromeda. Marry Milton, become estranged from my family and live out the rest of my life in relative peace. It seemed simple in context. But in reality, it was much more difficult. I had been a Black my whole life, and I didn’t know how I could break away from that. It had been easy for Andromeda; she had never considered herself a part of our family anyway. But for me – a girl who had grown up dressing in ball gowns and jewels, being lavished with attention from my parents, having my reputation precede me simply because of who I was – it was not going to be easy.

Deep down, I was just terrified, and no excuse in the world was going to be enough.

‘Cissy?’ Milton asked worriedly. Tears were streaming down my cheeks again. ‘Ciss. What’s the matter? I thought – I thought this is what you wanted?’

I stood up. ‘I don’t know, Milton.’

His face fell. Saying ‘I don’t know’ as an answer to a marriage proposal was clearly not an acceptable gesture to your boyfriend of four years. My heart fell through to my stomach – I hated to see him like this, especially when it was because I had hurt him.

‘Would you rather marry Malfoy?’ he asked.

‘No!’ I said vehemently. ‘Milton, please don’t do this to me. I can’t think right now.’

He stood there, looking at me wordlessly. I went to him, pressed my lips against his. He still didn’t move.

‘I’m going home,’ I said softly. ‘I need to be alone.’

I went to his fireplace and reached for the Floo powder. Just as I stepped into the fireplace, I heard his voice.

‘I love you, Ciss. Don’t forget it.’

We stared at each other until his face disappeared from my sight and I found myself staring at the walls of the parlour in my childhood home.

* * *

Over the next week, I didn’t see Milton at all. Not that I had a chance to, with all the preparations for my party. Unfortunately, Lucius came over almost daily, talking with me and my parents and helping with organising my 21st. He showered me with gifts – flowers one day, chocolates the next. Mother fawned over him. As much as I hated myself for it, I found myself beginning to enjoy his company. At the very least, not hate it as much.

The day of my birthday arrived, and I still hadn’t seen Milton. Whenever I thought of our last meeting there was a dull ache in my heart. I had never gone so long on such bad terms with him, apart from the two weeks in our seventh year when we “broke up� after I thought he was secretly seeing some pretty Ravenclaw girl.

I awoke to an owl tapping on my window. I groaned, rolling out of bed and heading over to open the curtains. I froze as soon as I recognised the owl – it was Reeches. Milton’s owl. Opening the window, I snatched the letter from his leg and sat down at my desk to open it. Reeches hopped inside, probably hoping for a treat. I stroked him as I tore open the envelope for the familiar handwriting inside.

Ciss.

I’m sorry if what I proposed last time we saw each other bothered you. I just thought it was what you had wanted – it was what I wanted, anyway. I know you well enough to know you don’t want to marry Malfoy. Maybe it was silly of me to assume that you wanted to marry me instead. I’m only your boyfriend of four years, after all. I hope you don’t mind that I’m coming to your party tonight. I know it’ll be announced that you’re getting engaged to Malfoy. And it’s not too late to back out. I’ll always be here, you know. I’ll always love you.

I hope you still love me, too.

Yours forever,

Milton.

I put the letter down on my desk with a small sigh. It hurt to even look at his handwriting, so I unceremoniously shoved it back into the envelope, not knowing that it was the last time I would ever read it.

Damn it, I did love him. So much it was incomprehensible. But I didn’t know if I could do what he was asking of me. I had never had Andromeda’s strength. She might be able to leave our family, but I couldn’t. I was just weak little Narcissa, the baby who our parents adored. In my life, I had a place. If I left, I wouldn’t know who I was anymore.

I buried my head in my hands just as Mother walked in. ‘Who’s the owl from?’ she asked as Reeches took fright and flew out the window. I pushed the letter out of sight.

‘Someone I went to school with,’ I lied. ‘Wishing me a happy birthday.’

I stood up and began to get dressed, turning my back so she wouldn’t see the tears welling up in my eyes. I don’t think I had ever cried as much as I had throughout the past week. I was usually able to paste on a mask and pretend I didn’t care. Sometime lately, I had lost the mask.

‘We have so much to do today,’ Mother said, fixing her makeup in my mirror. ‘The hall we’ve rented is being set up already – you’re going to have a beautiful party. Bella’s will be nothing compared to this!’ She didn’t mention Andromeda – no one in our family mentioned her anymore.

I tuned out as she went into details about decorations, food, and guests. We had gone over it a hundred times before. I hardly cared anymore. All I wanted was for the night to be over with, for everything to be over with so I wouldn’t have to worry about it again.

Fortunately, seven o’clock arrived earlier than I had expected. We breezed through the day and then before I knew it I had put on my new dress robes and Mother had done my makeup. My hair was pulled up into an elaborate bun that had taken Mother and Bella an hour to do. I hardly recognised myself.

‘Are you ready, sweetie?’ Mother popped her head around my door, smiling. She was dressed too, ready to Apparate down to the hall. I heard voices downstairs, and knew that Lucius had arrived. The party had been in full swing for about an hour now, and Lucius and I were going to make our entrance together, revealing our engagement at the same time. My family never had been one to do things subtly.

‘I’m ready,’ I said, tearing my eyes away from my reflection to look at my mother. I followed her downstairs, where Father, Bella, her husband Rodolphus and Lucius were waiting in the drawing room. They all turned to look at me as I descended, their eyes lighting up.

‘You look beautiful, Cissy,’ Bella said sincerely, which was really something coming from her. Father nodded his approval, and Lucius crossed the room to give me a lingering kiss on the cheek and take my arm. I didn’t like the way he looked at me – I could tell that he felt more for me than what I did for him. I don’t know why, since I had known him properly for all of a week, but I couldn’t deny that it was there. I looked away.

‘Time to go!’ Mother cried. She was in her element. We left out the front door so it would be possible to Apparate over to the hall. She and Father left first, then Bella and Rodolphus. Lucius and I were alone for a moment, and he turned and smiled at me. I managed half a grimace back.

‘Don’t be nervous,’ he said. ‘It’s the start of our future.’

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. Letting go of Lucius’ arm, we both spun in turn, reappearing in the foyer of the hall rented out from the Ministry where my party was being hosted. The others had already gone in, and I suppose they were waiting for us inside the doors so we could be announced as we walked in.

‘Ready?’ Lucius asked. I looked up at him, but before I could say anything there was a voice from behind us.

‘Wait.’

I turned eagerly; it was the voice I had wanted to hear all week. Lucius stiffened, reaching out to hold my hand as he saw Milton behind us. He had no idea who he was, I was sure, but I think any notion of competition worried him.

‘Milton,’ I said. My voice sounded distant even to me. I looked at Lucius. ‘Do you mind waiting a minute? I haven’t seen him in a while.’

‘Of course not,’ Lucius said in a way that made it clear he did mind. But he let go of my hand, and I crossed the foyer to a place where we would be out of hearing range.

‘I’ve missed you,’ Milton whispered immediately. He stood a few feet away from me, and I didn’t dare to get any closer with Lucius so near.

‘I got your letter this morning,’ I told him, not knowing what else to say. ‘Thank you.’

‘For what?’

‘For sending it. I … I do still love you, Milton.’

He raised his eyebrows and glanced over at Lucius, who was admiring a painting on the wall. ‘It sure looks like it,’ he said. I sighed, pressing my hands over my eyes for a moment.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘If there was another way …’

‘There is always another way,’ he said fiercely. ‘What the hell, Ciss? I’ve given you plenty of chances. It’s not difficult. You could even do it now.’ He shot another furtive glance at Lucius. ‘Come on, Narcissa. I love you. And you can do this. You’re so much stronger than you think.’ He reached a hand out to me. ‘I think you just forget to believe it sometimes.’

I looked at his hand, outstretched and waiting, just like it always had been. Milton had put everything into our relationship, while I fumbled around waiting until I was absolutely sure of myself. I always chose security over the unknown. As enticing as the latter was, I could never bring myself to take that extra step.

‘I’m sorry, Milton,’ I said, closing my eyes so I didn’t have to see the look on his face. ‘I can’t do it.’

I left him standing there, went back over to Lucius. Took his hand. Smiled up at him. Let him lead me through the door, where everyone was awaiting our grand entrance. I heard my father’s voice over a magical loudspeaker: ‘And here comes the newly engaged couple, Narcissa Black and Lucius Malfoy!’

I looked back. Just once. Milton was already gone. Then Lucius and I took a few steps forward, smiling as everyone applauded. This was my new life.