*** *** ***
Remus Lupin, Christmas 1993


Remus was used to being alone by now, but being back at Hogwarts made the pain fresh again. Every time he looked around a corner he thought he saw his old friends, planning their latest prank or eating the food Sirius and James had nicked from the kitchens. Occasionally it was Harry he saw, so it was understandable that Remus could mistake him for a young James. But more often than not, no one was there. He was glad that staff had their own quarters, because he could not handle being in the Gryffindor common room. He had never been in it without James or Peter or Sirius.

Sirius, how had they not seen that massive betrayal coming? He thought of all the secrets they had confided in him, all their fears, their weaknesses. Voldemort probably knew all of them by the time he fell. It would have been easy for him to take out any one of them.

Yet, even knowing now what Sirius was, Remus still missed him. Of course, he didn’t miss the Sirius who had betrayed his friends. He missed the Sirius who could bounce from girl to girl trying to mask his feelings for one person, a person he could never have. He missed the Sirius that was always telling him to relax and to loosen up, to actually help them with one of their pranks instead of just sitting by and watching. He missed the Sirius that was a ball of never-ending energy. Now when he looked at the pictures in The Daily Prophet of his former friend, he saw a man he had never known, never wanted to know. He saw a madman, a man who could laugh at the fact that he had sold his best friends and then killed another in cold blood. How could this be the same Sirius?

Remus had learnt to accept he didn’t know Sirius as well as he thought. He missed Lily and James terribly, but it always comforted them to know they died in the noblest way—saving their son. It brought a tear to his eye that Peter thought he could take Sirius on by himself. Remus always suspected that Peter was a better wizard than he appeared to be, he just lacked the courage to show it. But still, Sirius was one of the best and cleverest wizards their age. Peter never stood a chance. But once again, he died nobly.

Christmastime was always the hardest for Remus, because his best memories with his friends were during Christmas. He remembered his first year at Hogwarts. Only Sirius had remained, much to his family’s dismay. They still thought the Sorting Hat made a mistake, that Sirius still shared the same values as they did. Remus enjoyed his first Christmas in a long time that year. He had never had friends to share it with. In third year, all of them stayed at Hogwarts. That year Christmas fell on a full moon. His friends had discovered his “furry little problem,� as James called it, the previous year. While they could not be with him during the transformation, they were waiting for him right after with sweets and presents. He had never felt better after a full moon. He suspected it was then they decided to attempt to become Animagi because they felt guilty that they got to enjoy Christmas and he didn’t. What he never told them was that was one of his best Christmases.

In sixth year, they all went to James’ for the holidays. By this time Sirius was living with the Potters, so it was only natural for the two to go home. But the surprise came when they invited him and Peter. Peter, James and Sirius had learnt how to transform by then, so the four of them would take midnight runs through the woods of Godric’s Hollow. Remus was still human, but James let him ride on his back. He remembered most clearly the last Christmas he spent with them, Harry’s first Christmas. Lily, James and Harry were already in hiding, though not yet under the protection of the Fidelius Charm. James had picked him and Peter up on his way back home from some work for the Order. There they found Sirius and Lily in the nursery telling a not quite five-month-old Harry a Christmas story. Remus didn’t have to think very hard to remember the story, it was “’Twas the Night Before Christmas.� It was Remus’ favorite Christmas poem; he wondered if Harry still remembered it. That Christmas ended with Sirius dressing as Father Christmas and appearing in the fireplace with all the gifts. Just ten months later he would betray them.

So you see, Remus could not think of Christmas without thinking of his friends. It had been easier to separate the thoughts when he could isolate himself, but Hogwarts was just too full of memories. He thought of calling Harry into his office, to tell him about his parents and that one Christmas they all shared. But he thought it might be too hard on the boy since whenever a Dementor approached he could hear his parents die. And besides, he was not to know Sirius Black had been their friend. He was not to know that James and Lily had planned on Harry calling Sirius “Uncle Sirius�. He could tell Harry about the brief moments they shared that Christmas. The feeling of little Harry’s hand pressed against Remus’ heart. But he decided against it.

He thought again of Sirius. How could Sirius have betrayed his friends, how could he have wanted Harry, the most adorable baby Remus had ever seen, dead? But still, when he thought about Sirius, he did not remember the bad. He remembered the day Sirius gave up hope that the person he loved would ever love him back. Except that person did, they were just too shy to say anything, too afraid of the consequences. But that was years ago now. Those feelings were gone. They had been feelings of youth, not adulthood. Sirius never knew Remus had known about his feelings; he never knew anyone but James knew.

Remus had to stop his thoughts. Why couldn’t he stop thinking about Sirius as his friend? Sirius was the reason his best friends were dead. The reason Harry Potter had no family. Sirius was the reason Harry had to hear his parents die over and over again.

Remus realized he needed to leave his office, stretch his legs. He walked out into the corridor. To his right he saw Lily, helping first years with their Charms work. To his left he saw James, explaining to a group of third years why they couldn’t set off fireworks in the castle. Straight ahead he saw Peter and Sirius, enchanting some mistletoe to float above several girls heads. He continued walking, ignoring the images of his friends that were popping up around the castle. He walked out onto the grounds, by the Whomping Willow. There he saw Prongs, Wormtail and Padfoot. He kept walking, he approached the outskirts of the forest. He stopped there. For a brief second he thought he saw a black dog. But before his eyes could confirm what they saw, it was gone.

Remus stood frozen for a second. Of course, Sirius must be using his Animagus form to get into the school. How else could he have gotten into the school? Dark magic , a voice said in the back of Remus’ head. Voldemort must have taught him a few tricks. Yet, how then did Voldemort never succeed in entering the school? Because he never tried, the voice said again. But still, he thought he should tell Dumbledore. And admit you all betrayed his trust? the voice asked. Remus decided against telling Dumbledore for the moment, accepting his own internal argument that Sirius was using Dark magic.

Sometimes, walking around Hogwarts, it felt like none of the bad had ever happened. Remus wished it were so, that it wasn’t just Harry he saw, but Harry and James. He wished that he could still see Peter and Sirius as friends, plotting to make some poor unsuspecting girls very confused as to why boys kept stopping and kissing them. He wished Sirius could be there with him, to make him feel better. But the Sirius that was in Azkaban could not do that. The Sirius in Azkaban was a completely different person than the Sirius whom Remus thought he knew, whom he thought he loved. But Remus knew that the Sirius who he had felt all those lovely and confusing and terrifying things for never really existed. It was a façade he put up so no one would see the real him.

Why did this Christmas make him think these things? Remus hadn’t thought about those feelings for nearly twelve years. Was it because he was back in Hogwarts? Or was it because Sirius was closer to him now than he had been since in twelve years? Or maybe it was the Dementors. But they weren’t in the school building. They couldn’t make him feel like this when they were so far away from him. Just in case, he took a bite out of a bar of chocolate that he kept in his office in case he got too close to the Dementors. Along with the chocolate he gulped down the potion Severus left for him, it tasted like feet. Not that Remus would know what feet taste like…

The next morning Remus woke up, dreading the coming night. Christmas meant nothing to him anymore. He had no friends to celebrate it with. If he hadn’t been at Hogwarts, it may have gone by unnoticed. He looked over to the desk in his bedroom. On it were three pictures. One of four boys, their faces covered with Christmas pudding. Another was of two boys, one prematurely aged with scars lining his face and the other exuding energy, looking a little shaggy. They waved at the camera. The last was four men, a woman and a baby; they all were smiling and laughing. That is what Christmas should be, thought Remus. He didn’t know how those pictures got there; he had hidden them in his house before he left. But he was thankful that someone took the time to find them, to remind him that he used to enjoy Christmas. Maybe, he thought, just maybe, I’ll be able to enjoy Christmas again. He picked up the picture from Harry’s first Christmas and from it slipped a note, Remus bent over and picked it up. It read, “If it wasn’t for him, we could still enjoy Christmas together. Show this to Harry, he deserves to know. ~ A friend.� In the corner of the parchment there is a small doodle of a paw print, a moon and antlers. Remus overlooked it as he put the note down and placed all of the pictures in his trunk.

He settled down into chair determined to avoid more Christmas ghosts, and waited for night to fall.