I'm on my own,
Alone in this world.
So alone
-Ascendio (Ministry of Magic)


“Go away.�


“Not until you tell me what’s wrong.�


“Nothing. Now leave me alone.�


“If you were just fine, you’d be with your friends, not all alone. Now talk.�


Lily Evans turned away from James Potter, tears pricking her eyes. Why did he even care? Why couldn’t he walk away, indifferent to her problems, like he would have last year?


“Are you… are you crying?� James said uncertainly, trying to see her face.


“What’s it to you?� Lily demanded, glaring at him with all the viciousness of girl who didn’t care about life itself.


“Don’t think that. No, don’t think that! You’ve got to… why is this so hard?� James burst out suddenly, raking a hand through his dark hair in frustration.


“What, pretending like you care? Just admit it. I don’t care if you leave me here. I’d be thrilled.� The bitterness in Lily’s voice surprised even her.


“No! No, I’m not pretending!� James said fervently. “I really do… just tell me what’s wrong!�


“All right, I’ll tell you,� Lily said, looking at him, eyes burning. “I’d rather this world lived and I’m willing to do anything to make that happen. Apparently…� Her energy ran out, vicious anger deserting her. “Apparently that’s not right. Apparently now I’m to be hated.�


“Who hates you? And what do you mean, you’d rather the world lived?� James asked promptly.


“Everyone I’ve ever known and been friends with,� Lily said quietly. “As for what I meant, I want Voldemort to stop killing, stop ending everything for people and I’m actually willing to fight for it.�


James seemed shocked, and Lily wondered for a moment if he was going to leave her there, hidden in shrubbery. She half wanted him to, half wished he wouldn’t desert her like everyone else.


“You’re the only girl I’ve ever heard say his name,� James finally said, seating himself in the dirt beside her.


“What does that matter?� Lily snapped, feeling almost scared of James for no clear reason.


“Everyone’s scared, but we’ve got to fight to end this,� James told her, not actually answering the question.


“No one else thinks that.� When did James get opinions, mature opinions? Who was the boy beside her?


“No, there are plenty. Me, Moony, Padfoot, Wormtail, umm… you,� James finished rather unconvincingly. Lily didn’t bother answering, since there was nothing to say, and after a few minutes, James stood, extending his hand to help her up. She hesitated, then let him pull her to his feet. She’d sulked in the bushes long enough.


“Thanks,� Lily said, standing awkwardly next to James.


“Yeah, see you. Sorry about… everything,� James said kindly before heading up to the castle. Lily watched him go, feeling confused. Where was the boy she had hated so much, the boy who asked her out every ten seconds and tortured Severus? What was happening to the world? Was it at all possible that Severus and James had switched places, her old friend now the villain and James on the side of good? What was going on?


Lily wandered back to her dormitory. She was hungry, but didn’t feel up to facing the other Gryffindors. When she entered the dormitory, however, two girls were already there.


“Oh, it’s you,� Kiran Nayar said rudely when she saw Lily.


“Where have you been all day? Crying in some corner?� sneered Emerence Fontaine, flicking her long black hair over her shoulder.


“Shut up,� Lily ordered, sitting down on her bed and doing her best to ignore the other girls. She took out a rather idiotic romance novel, the only book she had on hand beyond schoolbooks.


Kiran and Emerence had a loudly whispered conversation insulting Lily, but soon tired of that and left, seeking the other sixth-years they actually liked. When they were safely gone, Lily dropped her book and lay back on her bed, tears squeezing their way out of the corners of her eyes. What had brought them to act like this? They had been perfectly kind to her for the first three days of school, but when they found out she had differing views than them, they turned on her. Laine Rivera was probably the worst, but Kiran and Emerence were close behind. What hurt the most, however, was Arisa Barry’s betrayal, if she could call it that. They had been the best of friends since first year. She hadn’t turned cruel the others, but she wouldn’t speak to Lily, instead choosing to talk to Mary Macdonald.


Surprisingly, Mary was the most likely to still talk to Lily, or had been in the few days since her “estrangement.� It probably had something to do with her personal experiences with Dark magic. She actually understood how terrible they were, since those idiot Slytherins had cast some illegal curses on her in fourth year. But even Mary was acting much less friendly than normal.


"Where's my homework? Where on Earth is my homework?" a girl shrieked, bursting into the dormitory. Lily yanked the her velvet curtains closed, shutting out Laine Rivera, who was, judging by the loud thumps coming from the opposite side of the room, unpacking her trunk in a mad search for some missing essay.


Listening to her once-friend banging books around in frustration, Lily felt hatred as she had never before experienced rising in her. That girl, Laine Rivera, had been her friend, one of her best friends, really, and now Lily was just a girl she hated, mocked, and tormented. It didn't matter that they had spent years sharing a dormitory, not to mention all the times they'd cried and laughed together. No, all that was forgotten when Laine decided Lily wasn't worth it, didn't deserve to be her friend, just because she cared about what was happening to the world she had come to love. It was hardly Lily's fault Laine didn't agree, couldn't stand the idea, actually. And now Lily was doomed to be despised by the people who had once been sisters to her. But she was used to that, used to sisters turning on her. What did four more childhood friends matter, anyway?


Laine left, victorious, and Lily sat up, pulled the curtains slowly back from her bed, then ran. She had nearly reached the grounds when a hand grabbed her elbow and pulled her to a halt.


"Have you gone completely mental, Evans?" Sirius Black demanded, gesturing emphatically as he spoke, evidently forgetting he was still gripping her arm. "You can't go outside. Even I know that."


"Sorry, what's wrong with the outside?" Lily said irritably, removing his hand from her arm.


"No clue, but I was told to stop you," Sirius said cheerfully. "Now come along, Evans."


"Who said to stop me? And where are you going?" Lily snapped, glaring at Sirius's retreating back. Cursing under her breath, Lily caught up to him, annoyed, repeating, "Where are you off to?"


"You'll see. Now hurry up," Sirius commanded. Lily frowned. She rarely even spoke to Sirius, so why did he have to choose her to be odd to? And why today? She was feeling very annoyed with life today, and he was not helping.


"Where are we, anyway? I don't remember this door," she added as Sirius bounded through a dark, low doorway.


"No, you wouldn't," he said, grinning. "I've got her!"


James, Remus, and Peter came out from the depths of the dark, rather musty room, all smiling widely.


James went up to Lily, looked her in the eye, and said with a laugh, "Sorry about this."


"What--" Lily began, but James tapped her head with his wand and she fell to the ground, unconscious. Not the best day.

“Wake up, Evans. Oh, come on, wake up!� someone said impatiently from somewhere above her.


“What?� Lily said vaguely, sitting up and looking around her. She was in the same gloomy room where James had knocked her out. The only difference was the addition of about two dozen people and the mysterious disappearance of James, Sirius, and Peter. Curiously enough, Remus was still there, sitting serenely in a corner.


“What’s going on?� a short, remarkably timid-looking fifth year said softly.


When no one answered her, Lily marched across the room and said shortly, “What did you do, Remus?�


“I beg your pardon?� he answered innocently, smiling up at Lily.


“I was knocked out, and I suppose the rest of these kids were too. I’m asking why,� Lily snapped. She was not in a particularly good mood.


“Oh, I was knocked out, too,� Remus said promptly. He was almost convincing.


“Oh, shut up,� Lily muttered irritably, taking another look at the students scattered around the room. “Prefects…� she said softly. “Why were a bunch of Hogwarts prefects knocked unconscious and left in some room that I didn’t think existed? Where’s the door to this place, anyway?�


“I couldn’t find one,� said a dark-haired Hufflepuff named Becka Nguyen.


Lily turned slowly in a circle, looking around the room, mirrored by two dozen prefects. Remus, on the other hand, stayed seated, watching them with a vaguely amused smile on his face.


“I found it!� an excitable blond girl called out, pushing a bookcase out of the way. “But it’s locked!�


It wasn’t until well over half the prefects had tried (and failed) to wrench open the door that one particularly clever seventh year thought of using his wand. This worked instantly, leaving the rest of the students feeling more than a little stupid.


Everyone spilled out of the room in an instant, rejoicing loudly in their freedom. Lily was about to follow when she noticed Remus had not moved.


“Come with me,� she said shortly, walking back to stand by him.


“Oh, I’m fine, thanks,� Remus answered airily.


“Get up,� Lily snapped, grabbing Remus’s arm and hauling him to his feet. “You’re going to help me find your friends.�


“Which friends are you referring to?� he asked innocently, the picture of polite curiosity.


Lily glared at him for a moment before responding. “Potter, Black, and Pettigrew.�


“You can’t honestly think I’d still be friends with them after they knocked me out and locked me in a room filled with people. They know I have agoraphobia,� Remus said with a sigh.


“You lie very strangely. Now, where did they go and what are they doing?�


“I imagine they’re studying for the Charms test tomorrow.�


“Oh, shut up. You can’t have honestly thought I’d believe that.�


They stopped speaking then, Lily angrily contemplating where those idiots had gone and Remus humming cheerily to himself.


What were they doing, though? Obviously they wanted the prefects out of the way so that they wouldn’t get caught, but they hadn’t done a very good job of keeping them locked up. That meant they must have already finished what they started….


Lily sped up, taking a few random turns. She glanced back at Remus, who was walking leisurely several paces behind her. “I’m asking you one more time, Remus. Where are your friends and what are they doing? Or have done, or whatever?�


“I don’t think I can say. Not that I know, of course,� Remus added after a slight pause.


“Shut up,� Lily said again, turning left suddenly.


“Oh, you probably shouldn’t--� Remus started, but he was cut off by rather incomprehensible noise of surprise coming from Lily. She was falling, rather far and extremely fast, with no sign of stopping. This was not exactly a pleasant experience. Quite suddenly, however, she jerked to stop, crumpling onto the hard stone floor. In a fair amount of pain, having banged her head rather badly, Lily looked up to see Remus standing above her, as if she hadn’t moved at all. Several more boys (she couldn’t be sure of the number—her vision wasn’t at its best) had emerged from the shadows.


Very dizzy now, Lily set her head back on the ground. She really didn’t feel well at all. For the second time that day, she felt herself slowly losing consciousness. The people around her were talking softly. The last thing she heard before completely fainting was a familiar voice saying, a bit desperately, “Sorry, Lily.�

---

“Is she dead?�


Lily opened her eyes to see James Potter looming over her. Averting her eyes from that, she noticed she was in the hospital wing.


“What happened?� she asked Madam Pomfrey, who had appeared by her bedside, but it was James who answered.


“You got knocked out.�


When he did not elaborate, Lily said with amusement, “And…? How did I get knocked out?�


James looked vastly uncomfortable all of a sudden. “Er…well…I may have had something to do with it.�


“Was it some new prank of yours? Make someone think they’re falling, then drop them on the floor? The hard, stone floor?� Lily raised her eyebrows at him, torn between being vastly amused or extremely angry.


“Well, no, that last bit wasn’t supposed happen!� James said, fervently defending himself. “We weren’t finished! You weren’t actually supposed to catch us!�


Lily just grinned, leaning back into her pillow. “How long was I unconscious?�


“Overnight,� Madam Pomfrey informed her. “You ought to have woken up sooner; Potter was getting quite worried.�


Lily glanced at James, who looked rather embarrassed.


“I’m going down to breakfast now,� he announced to no one in particular.


“Take Lily with you,� Madam Pomfrey ordered. “She should be fine, but I don’t want her walking on her own for a bit, as she could feel a bit faint.�

Lily climbed out of the bed and followed James out of the hospital wing with only a little reluctance.


Neither of them spoke until they had nearly reached the Great Hall, when Lily suddenly said, “I forgot to ask—are you still going through with your prank?�


“Erm…� James ran a hand through his hair, looking awkward.


“You’re kidding me.� Lily glared at him, then said, “I guess I’ll have to take twenty points from Gryffindor.�


“You don’t really want to do that, do you?� James stared at her with such a woeful expression she almost laughed.


“No, I don’t. But you have to do something for me in return,� Lily said, grinning.


“Prefects taking bribes, what’s the world coming to?� James said with a laugh. “What do I have to do?�


“I’ll tell you tomorrow.� They had entered the Great Hall by now and were nearly to the Gryffindor table.


“Oh, so I’ve just got to have that hanging over me for a day? Thanks!� James called after her, taking a seat by his friends. Lily laughed, continuing along the table to the very end, where no one was sitting. She ate her breakfast quickly, needing time to return to her dormitory before class to change out of yesterday’s robes and get her schoolbag. By the time she got to her first lesson of the day (History of Magic), she had nearly forgotten about James and the favor he owed her.


Lily was obediently copying down every word Professor Binns said about goblin rebellions when a scrap of parchment appeared on the corner of her desk. She unfolded the note, surprise (and amusement) increasing as she read it.

Lily—


The suspense is killing me. I keep thinking you’re going to make me jump off the Astronomy Tower or something. Can’t you just tell me now?


--James


P.S. I kind of hate you now.


Lily tore a strip of parchment off the bottom of her notes, scribbling a swift message, ignoring Binns for the first time in her memory.


Thanks. I hate you too, but I still won’t tell you yet. I promise I won’t make you kill yourself. Killing someone else, though…. Well, you’ll find out.


She folded the paper carefully before flicking it onto James’s desk. He picked it up, read quickly, then glanced up at Lily, faking anger. She just rolled her eyes and returned her attention to the class.


Lily found it quite a bit harder to concentrate on the factors that led to the first major goblin revolt for the rest of the period, mainly because James had been writing furiously ever since he received her note. Assuming this novel was intended for her, she was very curious as to what he could possibly be writing that would take that long. She was greatly disappointed, therefore, when the class ended before he was finished.


Sitting down in Transfiguration, Lily was very surprised when a stack of parchment, a good four or five sheets thick, was thrown down before her.


“What is this?� she asked of James, who was smiling proudly down at her.


“I’ve written out a list of 67 reasons why you should tell me what I have to do immediately,� he informed her cheerfully. Lily stared at him in disbelief. “Have fun reading!� He left, going to sit down.


Lily glanced at the first sheet. The title (Why Lily Evans Should Tell Me What I Have to Do RIGHT NOW!) was scrawled in large letters across the top of the page, followed by:


1. I’m a lovable person.
2. I asked nicely.
3. She’s a prefect, so she needs to set a good example of being kind to people.
4. If she’s nice to me, I might be nice to someone else, who might be nice to someone else, and so on, spreading love to all of Hogwarts.


It went on like this for some time, finally finishing with:


66. I spent a very long time writing her this detailed list, so I think I’ve earned the right to know. Please?
67. I said please!


“Miss Evans, are you taking notes?� a sharp voice demanded suddenly. Lily looked up from James’s list, startled. Professor McGonagall had halted a lecture about human transfiguration to glare at Lily from the front of the room.


“I—� Lily stuttered, surprised into confusion. She had been so engrossed in the list that she had completely missed the beginning of the lesson.


“Twenty points from Gryffindor, and I suggest you start paying attention,� Professor McGonagall ordered, turning from Lily and resuming her lecture.


Embarrassed, Lily was the perfect student for the remainder of class, careful not to even glance at James. The second the bell rang, however, he appeared at her elbow like an overly eager puppy.


“Well?� James said expectantly. “Did I convince you?�


“You would have, but your list got me in trouble, which cancels out all the good things you wrote,� Lily explained, pretending to be apologetic. “What a shame.�


“You’re kidding me!� James whined loudly, following her towards the dungeons and the Potions classroom. “I worked hard on that!�


“Just be patient,� Lily suggested.


“That doesn’t work very well for me,� he told her matter-of-factly, seating himself next to her and setting up his cauldron.


“I can believe that.� Lily grinned.


The day’s lesson was surprisingly easy; the Hiccuping Solution Professor Slughorn assigned them was quite basic. Lily had achieved the ideal halfway mark (a rather garish shade of bright green) within ten minutes and was now leisurely stirring her potion.


“How’d you do that?� James demanded suddenly from beside her, starring at her potion, which was slowly turning the dull red color associated with dried blood.


“I ‘stirred nine times in a clockwise direction’,� Lily informed him, quoting directly from Advanced Potion-Making.


“Well, so did I, but mine just looks like chunky tomato soup,� James said earnestly, gesturing at his cauldron. Lily was disturbed to find that his description was surprisingly accurate.


“Add some powdered moonstone. That should get rid of the chunks, at least,� Lily suggested. James frowned at his book for a moment, then looked back up at her.


“Where’d you get that from? It’s not in the book….�


“I know a lot about potions. Just try it.�


James obeyed, somewhat reluctantly. His eyebrows shot up comically when his immediately turned the proper shade and texture.


“How did you know that would happen?� James demanded, looking at Lily a bit suspiciously.


“I told you, I know a lot about potions. Now hurry up and add your crocodile heart or you won’t have time to finish.� Lily returned to her own potion, glancing over at James occasionally as she worked. He was still acting extremely different from last year. He was, in a sense, charming, funny, and, in general, enjoyable to be around. This dramatic change from last year surprised, and pleased, Lily.


At the end of class, Slughorn awarded high praise to both Lily and James, who seemed rather stunned at how well his potion had turned out.


“Thanks for saving my potion!� James said with great cheer, bounding along next to Lily as they walked to lunch. “Will you tell me what I have to do now?�


“Of course not!� Lily said with a laugh. “You owe me even more now. I’ll probably have to make it twice as painful.�


“What?� James despaired loudly, adding with suspicion, “If you make me break both my arms so I can’t play Quidditch, I will kill you.�


Lily just smiled and started down the Gryffindor table towards her usual spot at the end. James, however, seized her arm and dragged her away.


“You have to sit with me today, so I can convince you to tell me already. My friends will help,� he added, a bit ominously in her opinion.


Lily protested this idea, but didn’t put much effort into it and soon found herself seated between James and Sirius, both of whom were consuming food at a rather alarming rate.


“Hello, Lily,� Remus said cheerfully from across the table. “What brings you here?�


Before she could respond, James swallowed half a chicken leg and said loudly, “You have to convince her!�


“Not this again,� Peter moaned burying his face in his hands.


“That was the only thing he talked about all morning,� Sirius said. He upped his voice several octaves and continued in a disturbing (but oddly accurate) imitation of James, “’Lily’s going to make me do something and I’m sooo scared!’ ‘What if she makes me jump in the lake? I hate the squid!’ ‘She’s going to make me kill myself, I just know it!’�


Lily grinned, more at James’s anger than anything. He had borrowed her knife and was now attempting to murder Sirius with it, ignoring the fact that it was unfit for slicing anything more substantial than butter.


The remainder of the meal passed quite enjoyably, mainly because James’s friends didn’t care at all about helping coerce Lily. They seemed to prefer to explain, with amusing intensity, how the Hufflepuffs were planning on taking over Hogwarts and turning everyone else into their house-elves. Their evidence was actually quite convincing.


“…So, Professor Sprout’s growing Mandrakes purely to kill anyone who doesn’t obey peacefully?� Lily asked, laughing so hard she could barely speak.


“Exactly,� Sirius said, nodding emphatically. “Same for the Venomous Tentacula. It’s all one giant, evil plan.�


“We heard her talking,� Peter added. “She was going on and on about murder.�


“In fairness, she may have been referring to weed killer. It wasn’t clear,� Remus explained calmly.


“Are all the Hufflepuffs in on it?� Lily asked, genuinely curious to hear their answer.


“Either they agree, or she puts them under the Imperius Curse,� James said in a hushed voice, as though afraid he might be overheard.


“But you can’t spread this around, Lily,� Sirius warned her. “If Sprout finds out you know, you’ll have an ‘accident’ next Herbology lesson.�


“Why do you think that seventh year got almost got killed by Devil’s Snare last year? He knew,� Remus said in a darkly significant voice. Lily laughed, grinning at him. She was still laughing as she left for Arithmancy, a subject none of the four boys had cared to take.


Lily was taking notes, smiling at the memory of Sirius loudly proclaiming Herbology would be the death of them all, when the classroom door opened. A skinny third year entered, delivering a small roll of parchment to the teacher before hurrying out.


“Evans!� Professor Vector called out. “Professor McGonagall would like to see you.�


Confused, Lily headed towards McGonagall’s office, not bothering to take her bag. She hoped this wasn’t about failing to pay attention during Transfiguration, though that didn’t seem too likely.


Professor McGonagall was waiting for her outside her office. Surprised by how grim she looked, Lily sat down on the hard-backed chair in front of her desk.


“I’m sorry to take you out of class, but I just received a letter from your family. I needed to speak to you right away,� McGonagall said gravely.