Remus had never really considered the possibility of having a girlfriend.

In his first few years of school with the Marauders, they hadn’t really thought about girls. In fact, the other three boys had gone out of their way to avoid them. It was one of the reasons that Jonathan Summers, the other Gryffindor boy in their year, had never really become good friends with them. He was just as comfortable with girls as boys, and so tended to spend his time with the Gryffindor girls or occasionally some of the Hufflepuff boys in their year.

Despite the Marauders’ aversion to girls, however, Remus had struck up a friendship of sorts with Diana Jones, a Gryffindor girl in his year, after being paired with her in both Transfiguration and Potions. But she was certainly never more than a friend. Perhaps acquaintance better described their relationship.

Then around fourth year, things began to change. Gossip began to spread about who was dating who and who had a crush on whom. The Marauders, who had always enjoyed a comfortable popularity, soon found themselves the object of many of the girls’ attention. Well, perhaps not Remus so much, but the other three boys certainly.

Sirius was the first to snag a date. Alexa Johnston was considered a stunner amongst the boys in their year: she was small, dark-haired and in Ravenclaw. Yet when Sirius returned from his first date, it was with a bored expression on his face.

“How was it, mate?� Peter asked eagerly, probably hoping to pick up tips.

“Pretty boring, actually. She gossiped for ages about who all her friends were seeing and some stuff about the older kids, and I couldn’t give a rat’s arse – sorry Wormtail – about any of it.� Remus shivered involuntarily at the use of the nickname – his friends had been trying to become Animagi since second year, and though they hadn’t achieved it yet, they knew what animals they would turn into. It was Sirius who had come up with their nicknames, but Remus worried that they were too obvious and that people would guess what was going on. Especially his. Anyone who could put two and two together would notice the coincidence of the nickname “Moony� and his always being sick at the full moon.

“Yeah, so all in all, it really fell below expectations,� Sirius concluded, his grey eyes smiling and full of boisterous confidence. Remus and Peter laughed awkwardly, but James was looking at Sirius curiously. As much as Remus thought himself to be quite perceptive, especially compared to James Potter who could really be an insensitive prat, no one could read Sirius like James.

After his very short relationship with Alexa and an awkward break-up, Sirius seemed to decide that girls really weren’t worth it, no matter how much they threw themselves at him.

James was the next to fall. They returned to school as fifth years after the summer holidays and he was inexplicably head over heels for Lily Evans. Remus couldn’t quite understand it – firstly, Evans was a model student who prized rules above all else, and secondly she could be almost cruel, especially to James. That didn’t mean that she wasn’t friendly – since they had begun patrolling together as Prefects, he had found her easy to talk to always willing to stand up for those weaker than her. And she was certainly courageous – for four years, she’d maintained a close friendship with Severus Snape, who was hated by the rest of Gryffindor.

He suspected not, because he had never seen James act like this way. As much as Evans spurned it, Remus thought it must be genuine affection.

Peter had a lot more luck than James, or perhaps in this one area he was smarter, because he didn’t pick any girls who were best friends with his enemies and had already told him they hated him. While Peter lacked the natural good looks of Sirius and James’ confident, easy-going nature, his self-confidence had sky-rocketed by being part of what Sirius liked to call the coolest gang in the school. Peter had always been a little chubby – he loved his food – but this year, he began to go for runs and lost a bit of weight and gained some muscle. He certainly wasn’t unattractive and there was something about his nature which seemed very genuine, which seemed to appeal to girls.

First there were Lisa Brown and Amelia Bones, then Diana Jones, Stacey Spinnet, Judy Brocklehurst... Remus lost count of them. He suspected that Peter was trying to show that he could have something James couldn’t. Remus knew that Peter had always idolised James above anyone else, even been envious of his kind but mischievous nature, his courage, his looks, his flying ability... But he could have been wrong. Perhaps Peter just found it harder to find the right girl.

Remus knew that if he were to have a girlfriend, he would want something steady, based on friendship. He didn’t want to be like James, pining for years for a girl who wouldn’t even look at him, or Peter, who found a new girl every few months. Anyway, of the four Marauders, girls paid the least attention to him. He was reclusive and though intelligent, he was more bookish than James and Sirius, who used their brains for pranks.

That wasn’t even taking into consideration that he was a werewolf, and that would be something very difficult to conceal from a girlfriend, but he knew that if he told a girl his true nature, she would run screaming in the opposite direction. And deep inside himself, perhaps Remus knew that he couldn’t face rejection. After the way his village had turned on him when they found out, the way his parents had given up everything for him and yet still wished that he was normal, the way he had broken them. And now his friends were going to break the law for him. He couldn’t let anyone else ruin their life for him.

Perhaps saying he’d never considered having a girlfriend wasn’t the right way of putting it. It was something he desired deep inside himself, but he never let his thoughts stray to that place. He was too fragile, too broken, too much of a monster, for any girl to want him. Merlin, he already had grey hairs and he was only sixteen!

Thus time went on. James, Sirius and Peter learnt to become Animagi, making Remus’ transformations a lot more bearable. Though occasionally Remus tried to slow down the rule-breaking behaviour of his friends, he never really put in much effort, considering all they’d done for him, and most of the time the pranks amused him, anyway.

Twice near the end of fifth year, his friends took things too far. They often crossed the line, but these times they crossed the line by about two miles. Threatening to take Snape’s pants off in front of the whole school and then asking Lily, the boy’s best friend, on a date was taking James’ stupidity to new heights. Normally Remus thought Lily was out of line in the way she verbally abused James, but there was nothing uncalled for in how she responded to him that day.

It was a terrible time for Lily after that. She was a strong and fiery girl, and seeing her cry over her lost friendship with Snape during patrols shocked Remus, but he didn’t know how to reach out to her. Girls had always been foreign to him. She lost her love for life and withdrew into herself, only seeming to talk to her closest friend, Marlene McKinnon.

James was horrified when Remus told him how upset Lily was and blamed himself for the end of her friendship with Snape. Remus watched his friend watch Lily cry, itching to go and comfort her but knowing that he’d be no help and quietly accepting it. That was not the James Remus knew. James never quietly accepted anything. Unlike himself.

Sirius was obviously tired of James’ sombre demeanour and planned a prank without telling anyone else. It was probably the stupidest mistake he had ever made, and he would probably regret it for the rest of his life, but that didn’t stop the fact that he had endangered Snape’s life and in a different way, Remus’.

It was hard for Remus to forgive him. He no longer felt he could trust Sirius, who had given away his secret without even thinking about it. Peter somehow got stuck in the middle of things, fiercely loyal to each of the Marauders. So their fifth year ended with awkwardness and tension and, for the first time, they were all glad to be heading to different homes to spend the holidays away from each other.

That summer rumours started to spread about an evil murderer, so terrible that people refused to speak his name. There were stories of disappearances and a constant shadow lurked in the minds of everyone. Remus began to feel horribly alone.

Sirius ran away from home, and it was through letters from him that Remus began to learn about Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters. Sirius’ cousin and her husband had already joined up and had been bragging about it all summer. They spoke of killing and torturing Muggles and Muggleborns with glee, and Remus began to understand Sirius’ hatred of Slytherins and what had driven him to pull that prank on Snape. Snape stood for everything Sirius had escaped.

Remus knew that it was time to forgive his friend, that with the shadow of evil it was more important than ever to stick with his friends.

Sixth year began. Hogwarts was like a bubble, protecting them from the darkness and the terror of the real world. The Marauders were once again inseparable, and though they studied more (well, Remus did at any rate), they still found time for pranks. Not long before the Christmas break, they charmed all the entrances of the Great Hall to turn everyone’s hair bright bubblegum pink. The colour remained until each person did a kind act for someone else. Most people’s hair returned to its normal colour fairly soon (they were delighted when Professor McGonagall gave them no homework in their first class of the day), except for the odd Slytherin who, when it came down to it, really deserved to be made fun of.

Marlene McKinnon, who to Remus had always been Lily’s friend, was the first to return her hair to its normal colour. She saw a lonely looking first year and talked to her kindly. Something in Remus’ stomach fluttered. She then helped the first year to a seat and helped her to find some friends amongst the other students. She returned to their spot on the table, hair back to its dark brown state, and Remus thought he detected a self-satisfied smirk on her lips.

“Hey! How did you get your hair to go back to normal?� Lily asked.

Marlene shrugged, that smirk still present on her face. “I must just be that amazing.� Then she turned her head and winked quickly at Remus. At least, he thought she did, but he could have imagined it.

Even Lily complimented the Marauders on their prank, which sent James’ head into a spin for the next several weeks. In fact, Marlene and Lily had been spending increasingly more time with the Marauders. Marlene had been trying to persuade Lily that they weren’t so bad for quite a while, it seemed. Remus decided to help her, knowing that Lily trusted him more than his other friends, on the pretence that he was helping James. Underneath, though, the real lure had been the opportunity to spend more time with Marlene, who he found to be almost as devious as Sirius (but much better at hiding it), fun to be with, interesting to talk to and certainly not the quiet girl he had always assumed her to be.

~

It was the night before they were all due to go home for the Easter break and the sixth year Gryffindors had taken over the most comfortable armchairs in front of the fire in the common room.

“So what are you guys all thinking about for next year?� Peter asked, always one to break the silence.

“Well that’s obvious; fight!� Marlene replied promptly from where she sat next to Remus. An awkward silence followed. Marlene wasn’t usually as outspoken as her best friend, yet when something was important to her, she would be as passionate about it as Lily. Marlene looked around at everyone, her beautiful brown eyes daring anyone to disagree with her.

“So – so you want to become an Auror?� Sirius asked uncertainly.

“I suppose so. Whatever it takes. But I am not going to let some stupid old git who gives himself a ridiculous title like “Lord Voldemort� rule my life.�

“I think you’re right.� Remus wasn’t even sure why he said it. He believed in fighting evil, and he detested those who thought themselves better than Muggleborns (he knew it would be hard to find a witch who was brighter than Lily), but there was absolutely no way that he would be accepted as an Auror. Of course, Marlene didn’t know that.

“Are you sure you want to be an Auror?� James asked awkwardly, trying to communicate with his eyes that both he and Remus knew they wouldn’t accept a werewolf.

“Why shouldn’t he be? Is this because you, the popular and brave James Potter, don’t have the guts to do what he’s planning?�

“It has nothing to do with that, don’t you dare say that James is a coward,� Sirius retorted. “He’s just concerned about Remus and his – his –� he broke off mid-sentence and looked at Remus desperately.

“His?� Marlene prompted, anger still evident in her voice.

“Calm down, Marlene, they are just thinking of me.� The other Marauders looked at him in surprise, but he nodded to them to show that it was okay. He’d been thinking that it might be time to tell Marlene and Lily anyway.

“The thing is, I – I have a condition.�

“So? That doesn’t mean you can’t –�

“Just hear me out, please. I – I’m a werewolf.� Marlene was momentarily speechless, her face unreadable. Lily stood up and came over to him and awkwardly patted his shoulder.

“I’m sorry, Remus.� Something in her eyes told him that she had already guessed, and that it didn’t matter in the least to her. Lily was like that. So slow to judge.

He turned his head dejectedly to Marlene, who still hadn’t said a word.

“I suppose you don’t want to see me again –�

“Oh don’t be an idiot, Remus. For Merlin’s sake, do you think something like that matters to me? It wouldn’t matter if you were a – a vampire or a house elf, for all I care. You’re still Remus.�

He was stunned and then gradually began to breathe a sigh of relief. For some reason Marlene’s acceptance of him mattered more than Lily’s.

“So you – you’re not scared of me?�

“Why in the name of Merlin’s baggy pants –� (this earned her a disapproving look from Lily) “would I be scared of you? You’re still human, Remus, you’re still you.� He gave her a slightly awkward hug. She patted him on the back a little, and after a moment it was over. But for the next few days, Remus found himself remembering the feeling of her soft hair spilling onto his arms and her hands on his back.

“I want to fight, too,� Lily said quietly, interrupting the silence. “It used to terrify me, the idea of fighting. After reading about the disappearances in the Prophet and knowing that any one of them could have been me, or my family. I just wanted to hide away. But that’s not how things work, is it? You can’t just pretend reality doesn’t exist.� James was staring at her open-mouthed, pure admiration in his eyes.

“Since Prongs here is obviously too love-struck to voice his opinion, I think I can safely say that both of us will fight, too,� Sirius said with a smirk. Remus couldn’t decide if James or Lily’s blush was brighter. James proceeded to lightly punch Sirius on the shoulder.

“He’s right, though. I’ll fight.�

“Me, too. Of course,� Peter added, but Remus couldn’t help but feel that he wasn’t quite as enthusiastic as the rest of them.

For weeks, Remus couldn’t get Marlene out of his head. The way her eyes lit up her face, her gorgeous smile, the way she had stood up for him the other night. And for the first time, Remus began to consider that there might be someone who he would want to be his girlfriend, someone who just might even want to be his girlfriend.

Remus began to try to spend as much time with Marlene as possible, whether it was being near her when they were hanging out as a group or studying. She had also begun to ask him for help with her work, because she was struggling in Defence and Charms. He had immediately asked her why she didn’t go to Lily for help, and she smiled as she replied,

“I want you to help me, Remus.�

That night they were studying late in the common room. It was well past midnight and even all the seventh years, who were rarely seen without bags under their eyes, had gone to bed. The fire was slowly turning to ash, but Marlene had lit a small candle and placed it on their table. It flickered joyfully. Remus was having difficulty with a Care of Magical Creatures essay on Centaurs and Marlene with an essay on the theory of defensive magic.

“Remus, what is the most effective way of –� Her hand had brushed across his by accident and she paused, distracted. She pulled her hand away quickly, but he reached out and took it in his.

“Marlene, I –�

She interrupted him by kissing him on the lips.

She pulled away and looked anywhere but him.

“I’m sorry, I –�

This time it was his turn to interrupt her. It was sloppy and a little awkward, neither of them knew what they were doing, but they were doing it together and that was really all that mattered.

Remus and Marlene were soon inseparable. Over the next year, their relationship thrived, and though they had the occasional fight, they always resolved it. Initially, Remus had tried to avoid any sort of physical contact with Marlene in public, showing that he still thought he didn’t deserve her. She soon told him that that was ridiculous, and he began to delight in the small gestures which proved that she was his and he hers. Her hand sitting gently on his knee at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall, his arm draped around her shoulders in the common room, her hand in his as they walked to classes together.

He knew that he could trust her with anything, and gradually he began to tell her all the things he’d told the Marauders. Except this time it was different, because this time he was able to tell her of his own accord, knowing that what he said wouldn’t change how she thought of him, rather than the way his friends had coaxed him years before. He told her the way his parents hadn’t loved him quite the same way since it happened, how he was terrified of his time at Hogwarts ending and the torment he would face in the real world for being a werewolf. She showed him that he was worth loving.

James and Lily arrived at the beginning of seventh year as Head Boy and Girl (Sirius nearly fell off his broom when James told him the news) at the start of seventh year, and there must have been something about those late night patrols together, because within months they became the school’s new most popular (and therefore most gossiped about) couple. Even Peter settled down with Mary MacDonald, a Gryffindor sixth year, for several months. Sirius was content, as ever, to remain single.

Had they been living in normal times, the Marauders would have been thriving, living life to its fullest. But these weren’t normal times. Lord Voldemort was no longer a shadow at the back of peoples’ minds; he was a constant presence. Occasionally students would be taken out of class to be told terrible news about family members or close friends. They weren’t seen for weeks. This only strengthened the resolve of the Marauders, Marlene and Lily.

Professor Dumbledore had informed James and Lily of an organisation named The Order of the Phoenix, which fought Voldemort and his Death Eaters of its own accord, without having to wait for the orders of the Ministry, which was slowly being infiltrated and corrupted. Dumbledore had ordered the Head Boy and Girl to inform anyone they trusted implicitly of this organisation and to report to him together.

The next morning, six Gryffindor seventh years were found waiting outside the door of the Headmaster’s office.

“I hope you all realise that this is serious. You could lose your own lives while fighting. More tragically, your friends could lose their lives.� His electric blue eyes were solemn. Remus looked at Marlene. She squeezed his hand.

“Are you sure you want to join?�

All six students nodded resolutely. Even Peter, who had at one time seemed reluctant, was as determined as anyone else.

Thus Remus finished Hogwarts and was catapulted into a society ravaged by fear, pain, loss. A society on the point of breaking. Or perhaps it had already broken. Yet he had hope, and he had never expected to have hope. His life had always been broken, there had never been a future for him. Yet now, despite the war, in fact because of it, he stepped out of the beloved halls of his school, hand in hand with Marlene, with a love for life he had rarely experienced.

Initially being part of the Order was exciting. They knew they were part of something that was bigger than them, that was important. It was easy to get lost in the exhilaration of it.

The one day, James returned to Headquarters, blood on his face, supporting an unconscious and barely recognisable Lily. Her clothes were torn and covered in a mixture of mud and congealed blood and her right elbow was bent far further backwards than was normal. She was immediately taken to St. Mungo’s. Marlene, now working as a Trainee Healer, requested to help with Lily’s treatment. James fretted and was barely able to concentrate on his Auror training for the week that Lily was in hospital. She returned, healthy as ever, but without the shine of excitement in her eyes. The attack on her had sobered them all, and it was with a heavier mood that they continued to fight.

Remus was the only one working full time for the Order. Dumbledore knew how hard it would be for him to find a job and had offered to provide Remus with food, lodging and a few Galleons if he did work for the Order. He didn’t really want to accept; it made him feel like a charity case, but in reality, what else could he do?

Most of what he did was filing or writing reports on various missions. He often contacted various members to inform them of what needed doing, and he was in regular contact with Dumbledore. All in all, he felt lucky. It was certainly better than what he could have expected.

His time with Marlene and his friends was extremely limited, and when they were together they were usually exhausted and had to discuss work. But somehow, Remus found, when you knew your life could end any day, you began to live more than you ever had. They still laughed together.

Sometimes they talked about the future. The future after this terrible war, when they didn’t fear for their lives every day. Marlene would work as a Healer and he would try to hold down a job if he could, but if no employer would accept him it wouldn’t matter, because Marlene would support him. It wasn’t traditional, and there was a part of him that didn’t want Marlene to have to provide for him, but he began to accept it, not to worry about what people would think. He knew his friends would support him, he knew Marlene didn’t care.

One day they would have a family, and he would stay at home and look after the children while Marlene worked. He knew Marlene had always wanted children, and he did feel a little guilty that she would never be able to have her own, but they had decided on this together. It wasn’t worth risking their children being like him. So they would adopt. But they would love the children, he knew, as their own. A family.

There was darkness, it was true. They began to become accustomed to the sight of broken, lifeless bodies, to the stench of rotting flesh, to the sticky feeling of congealed blood. Death was everywhere. It surrounded them, constricted them.

And yet there was hope. A tiny light flickering on the end of a candle. That was all it was, but it was there.

And then someone blew the candle out.

~

Remus and Marlene sat opposite each other at a small table adorned with a white table cloth and lit up by two candles. They were at Sirius’ flat, eating dinner together. Remus wished that he could have taken her to an expensive restaurant for this night, but he couldn’t afford it and he knew that she would appreciate the effort he had put in.

They both had the night off, and Remus had spent most of the afternoon cooking – a task he regularly performed for the Order which he had found himself quite adept at. He picked Marlene up from her work and as the two of them walked, hand in hand, to the flat, he felt as innocent as a schoolboy whose crush had finally agreed to go out with him. Not like a man, aged by a chronic illness and a war which stole lives every week. For once, he was determined that they were going to be a normal couple.

Marlene had almost giggled when they entered the flat together, and Remus wondered if she had been feeling the same as him as they approached the flat. Innocent. In love. She pressed a kiss on his mouth.

He took her coat from her and they laughed together as he tried to act the gentleman. He had even pulled her seat out for her.

They couldn’t help but laugh and feel light as they chatted easily and took the opportunity to properly catch up. They had barely seen each other for a week.

Eventually, however, their conversation slowed down and Remus knew that it was his moment.

“Marlene, I just wanted to say, I – I love you. I love everything about you. I love the way you can make me smile when it feels like the world is crashing down on me, how you don’t care that I’m a werewolf, how your eyes light up when you’re passionate about something, how you’ve been Healing so many wounded people and yet you take time to ask questions and care about each one individually, and Marlene –� He stood up from the table and got down on one knee.

“Marlene McKinnon, will you marry me?�

She smiled and, getting out of her chair herself, kissed him. There was so much in that kiss. Promise. Hope. Love. Future. Forever.

“So, who are we going to tell first?� Marlene asked after the kiss. She was really giggling this time, giddy with love, still sitting on the floor next to him.

“Let’s just keep it to ourselves, just for tonight. Tomorrow we’ll tell everyone. But tonight is for us.�

She smiled.

“I love you, Remus Lupin.�

~

They Apparated to her family the next morning. Her face was a healthy flush, her eyes bright and alive, her hair still slightly messed up. She wore the ring proudly on her finger.

Her parents smiled almost as much as her, and in their eagerness they wanted to rush off and tell all their friends and acquaintances, but Marlene bade them not to.

“We’re telling all our friends tonight. It’s a secret ‘til then, okay?�

He went with her to St. Mungo’s and left a parting kiss on her lips, a promise for all their future kisses.

He never saw her again.

That night, he was sitting at Headquarters with Peter, James and Lily, still waiting for Marlene and Sirius to arrive. He was almost bursting with joy, with the excitement of sharing it with his friends (and a slightly smug feeling that he had asked Marlene before James had asked Lily).

A Patronus in the form of a cat bounded into the room. He recognised it instantly.

“REMUS! HELP!�

All four of them Apparated to her house wordlessly. The street was in uproar. People were running everywhere, screaming. Houses were burning. Death Eaters, covered in long black cloaks and masks, were everywhere. James sent for more help whilst the other three ran towards Marlene’s house. They were blocked by Death Eaters.

Remus found himself separated from the others, surrounded by three Death Eaters. He had always been good at Defence at school, but he knew he couldn’t hold off three fully trained wizards for long. Especially when green light was tearing through the night, a violently vivid green. It could mean only one thing.

A high-pitched scream tore through the night. Momentarily, Remus glanced upwards. The violent form of the Dark Mark disfigured the sky. Who –?

At that moment, ten more Order members appeared and mere minutes later the Death Eaters fled. Remus was exhausted from the fight, but he had to find Marlene, she had to be somewhere in the carnage.

She was still in her white uniform, though it was now spattered with dirt and blood. Her beautiful curly hair was frazzled. And her eyes. They told him all he needed to know. Lifeless. Staring blankly up at the sky.

Dead.

He swore loudly, crying out his pain. They were going to be married. They were going to have a family. They were going to share a life. A future. Hope. The flickering fire of a candle was going to grow, to light up a whole room, a whole house.

Her candle was blown out, and his had been extinguished with the same breath. Without Marlene there was no hope. No Love. No Future. No Forever.

No Life.