The world is a lonely place. What seems real is actually an illusion. What seems like a lie is actually the truth. Nothing can prepare you for what the future brings and neither can you escape from the past.

I used to think that love was the only redeeming quality in this world. It is pure, precious and yet fragile. Love is not necessarily mutual and it can be cruel at times. It is the sheer opposite of hatred although the lines tend to blur between them.

My first love has always been the sweetest and the most vivid memory in my mind. Yet, it is also the darkest memory I have till this day because it brings back a certain person's betrayal. He is no longer relevant to my life now.

I trusted him and was even willing to be his mistress despite the fact that Narcissa Malfoy would never have allowed him to do so. He made me feel young, renewed and vibrant. My life was incomplete without him. He was practically the sun which lighted up my dark world. Even when I knew that his wife, Narcissa, had borne him a male heir to carry on the family line, I still held on to the only hope that at least his heart belonged to me.

“ Oh dearest Catherine, how can I live without you? ”
Lucius wrapped his arms around my waist as he fingered one of the brass buttons on my blouse.

“ Promise me that you will never leave.’’ I closed my eyes as I breathed in his familiar scent.

“ Of course, you know I would never lie to you. My marriage with Narcissa is a purely arranged alliance between two pureblood families. It is my duty to support her and our child for it is dishonourable if I do not do so,’’ Lucius smooth voice sounded out.

“ What about me?’’ I whimpered like a child, sounding vulnerable.

“ You’re different, as I’ve always said. I knew that you would be mine the moment l had my eyes set on you.’’ He smiled as his eyes met mine. I instantly felt calm and reassured. Images of Narcissa’s face appeared in my mind. I knew that I was ruining her marriage and her happiness but I was too warped up in my own little world with Lucius to the extent of ignoring the potential consequences.

The last thing I remembered was Lucius cupping my head in his hands as he kissed me.

I was such a hopeless fool. I believed his every word. His beautiful lies were laced deceitfully within few remnants of the truth. In the past, when I saw his handsome face, my heart would leap up in excitement as I imagined his hands touching my skin. Now, when I remember that same face, my heart would wrench up in disgust as I shuddered at the thought that we once shared a bed together. Those past happy memories were just a blur of colors and shapes which I can no longer visualize clearly anymore.

When he left me, the nightmares came. Dark shapes and shadows taunted me in my dreams. I frequently dreamt of Narcissa in a black gown strangling me and of Lucius standing indifferently in the corner. Every time I woke up with beads of sweat trickling down my face, I would be afraid to fall back into a deep slumber out of fear that the dream monster would recapture me again.

Yet, strangely enough, I’ve never regretted the things I’ve done. People have condemned me for being the third party to the otherwise perfect marriage between Lucius and Narcissa. Due to the affair I had with Lucius, I’ve lost all my standing as a respectable woman in the British wizarding society. Lucius loved Narcissa and they were relatively a harmonious couple but he was incapable of controlling his desire for other women too. Even without my interference, Lucius would still have gone to seek a tryst with some other woman. He just happened to choose me.

Publicly, his cruelty was displayed in his treatment towards his subordinates. Privately, I was aware of his faults and he callously took advantage of me for his personal gains.

I frequently questioned myself. Why on earth did I agree to be with him unconditionally? What happened to our joyous past? Did those memories even mattered to him or was our relationship just a fleeting affair?

As I thought of this, tears ran down my face. I remembered the scene when he broke the truth to me.

“ Catherine, I need to tell you something.”
Lucius seemed nervous, almost afraid for some reason. He turned to face me but his lips were curved back in an unhappy frown.

“ Yes?” I glanced up from my knitting.

“ I… I need to leave you. ”

“ Leave? Why’re you leaving so early for the Ministry meeting? Doesn’t it start at two? ” I was confused.

“ That’s not what I meant. ”

“ What do you mean? ”

“ You know what I meant. ”

A cold chill ran down my spine as I registered his words. I searched for any indication that he was joking but he was somber and serious. He was really telling me the truth this time round.

“ Wh…Why? ’’ I croaked out disbelievingly.

“ You know that this day has to come. I can’t possibly stay with you for long. I have my wife and family. ‘’ His tone was harsher and he turned cold all of a suden.

He wasn’t my Lucius anymore.

“ You promised, ” I begged him, reaching out to hold his hand. ‘’ I’ve sacrificed my family and pride for you. What more do you want?”

“ I’m sorry. ” He didn’t sound sincere at all. ‘’ I’ll compensate you and in exchange, I hope that you’ll not speak of our tryst to anyone. If not, I will not hesitate to take legal action. ‘’

I stared at him. “ Is that what our relationship is? Simply measured by monetary terms? ”

Lucius flickered slightly. “ Yes, it is, ”he replied after a slight hesitation.

“ No please don’t! ” I screamed.

“ Goodbye Catherine, it was nice knowing you. ”

I wanted to cry. He made it sound so formal. Our relationship was more than that but he reduced it to nothing but a mere affair to him. I gave everything to him but he returned nothing back.

From that day onwards, I learnt that everything was a mere pretense. When I read about his exploits and achievements in the Daily Prophet, I still feel a pang of dull pain but nothing more. Every time I see him on the streets, I would keep a distance and withdraw back into the shadows where I belong.

Sometimes, when I feel a wave of melancholy, I would take out a faded picture of him and run my fingers over his striking features in a moment of weakness.

After all, what I can say? I still love him to this day despite what he had done to me.

I'm just a hopeless lover.