The Wizengamot hear the case of Dudley Dursley vs. Mark Evans.

Defendant charged with violation of the Muggle-baiting Act.

Witnesses: Mrs Petunia Dursley and Mr Harry Potter.

The Wizengamot summon Mr Dudley Dursley to give a statement explaining exactly how Mr Evans harmed him.

“When I was younger, I lived in the same village as Mark Evans. I didn’t know him well, and didn’t have anything to do with him. So you can probably understand why I’ve been so annoyed and upset by what seems to be random attacks on a completely innocent man.

“It all started a couple of months ago when I heard a knock at my door, only to open it and find nobody there. I assumed it was a bunch of young, immature boys. I felt disgusted that some boys would act so badly, as I would never have done such a thing when I was their age. Ten minutes later, I heard another knock. I opened the door, and again saw nothing. This kept on happening throughout the entire week and, as you can imagine, I was getting seriously p****d off.”

[At this point, Mr Dursley was reminded that he was in a Court of Law, and that such language would not be tolerated.]

“Just as that began to stop, I noticed other things starting to go wrong around the house. Every time I went to get milk out of the fridge, the bottle would be empty. My keys slowly began to grow until they would no longer fit into the lock. I had to get them changed, and it was bloody expensive. The special grass food which I had bought to look after my lawn, which involved a painstaking process I had learnt from my dad, made the grass shoot up to waist height overnight. These things may seem trivial to you, but accompanied with a load of other ‘pranks’, they made me so angry. I had to take up boxing again, to help get rid of my stress.

“Finally, one day, I was getting into my car to go to work, and it lifted a foot off the ground! I yelled out, not understanding what was going on, and slowly it dawned on me that this must be magic. I have to admit, that I straight away suspected my cousin (the only person I know who can do magic), and I leapt out of my car to find him, forgetting the drop, and falling flat on my face. I heard muffled laughter in a nearby bush and thrust my hand into it to find the person behind these attacks. I pulled out a boy, Mark Evans, who, to my astonishment, refused to return my car back to normal, and continued laughing hysterically; wheezing out something about me looking like a pig that had just learnt it could fly. Luckily, I think my catching him must have scared him off, as since that day I have not been bothered by any funny business; however he might have though it sensible to stop after I pressed charges. This behaviour has been insulting to me, and I want justice for these acts that ruined my peace of mind, perhaps forever.”

The Wizengamot now call upon the defendant, Mr Mark Evans, pleading guilty, to explain the reason behind this Muggle-baiting.

“Mr Dursley is perfectly correct in saying that we lived near to each other, and perfectly correct in saying that we didn’t really know each other. However, he is not perfectly correct in saying that he had nothing to do with me. In fact, I can reveal that Dudley Dursley is nothing more than an over-sized bully.

“For me, this story started the summer when I was eleven, the year I received my Hogwarts letter. I am a Muggle-born, so it was completely unexpected. I am supplying this information to prove that what I did to Dudley was not Muggle-baiting: I have no hatred for Muggles, and never will; and these ‘attacks’, as you call them, were simply a way of settling a personal vendetta.

“I believe Dudley and his gang only bullied me because they were bored. The summer holidays are long, and when you’re that thick there’s not really much you can do with your time. Maybe bullying was his creative outlet. He certainly seemed to put his imagination to use, following me wherever I went, using all means of intimidation imaginable and, at the height of it, beating me up in ways I don’t think they’d even show on Muggle TV shows.

“My life was miserable, and it was that feeling of hopelessness that made me decide to accept my invitation to Hogwarts and become a fully-qualified wizard, and I swore that one day I’d have my revenge. I was saved, of course, by Harry Potter. Although I didn’t even know of his fame then, I still worshipped him, because after Harry spoke to him Dudley never came near me again. I still don’t know how he managed it, but he changed my life for the better.

“This year I turned seventeen, and could finally do magic outside school. At the end of the school year I returned to my parents’ home in Little Whinging, and began to plot my revenge. I never wanted to hurt or scare him, just really annoy him, and I can see I succeeded. I admit to what I did, and stand by it; however I think there is a difference between charging me with Muggle-baiting, and accepting that what I did was a harmless bit of revenge for acts which, you must agree, were far more serious than those I ever committed.”

The Wizengamot summon Mrs Petunia Dursley as a witness for the victim.

“My darling little Dudley has been treated in the most heinous and disgusting ways. I think it is sickening how the magical world thinks they can treat the ‘Muggle’ population, as you call it, and my husband and I are shocked at what has happened to our Ickle Diddykins.

“I remember the summer Mark refers to well, as Vernon and I were particularly proud of our Popkin, because he had been competing very successfully in his school’s Boxing Championships. That summer, Diddy was spending most of his time catching up with his friends, and he went to tea at their houses most nights.

“Dudley is a nice, civilised boy, who treats everyone equally and with respect. To think for one second that he was nasty to an eleven-year-old boy is absolute lunacy. Mark Evans is evidently a sour, jealous young man who could never accept Dudley’s popularity. I believe he should be locked up so that Dudley never faces this dreadful result of prejudice again.”

The Wizengamot finally summon Mr Harry Potter, a witness for the defence, in the hope that he will shed some light on this perplexing situation.

“I have had the misfortune to know Dudley almost my entire life, and I will say immediately that I believe every word Mark Evans has said. My own experiences of my cousin were not dissimilar, but they stretched out over a period of ten long, miserable years, and every summer that I returned to Privet Drive from Hogwarts.

“To say that Dudley was a fat, ugly, bullying git who strongly resembled a pig in a wig, is the understatement of the millennium. Dudley Dursley, although a darling angel in the eyes of his parents, was the vilest person I knew. I won’t dwell on my years of mistreatment by the Dursleys, although I will say that I think it’s a miracle how well I think of other Muggles, if they were my prime example for ten years. This case is not about my miseries, however. I did indeed see Dudley beating up a young Mark Evans a few years ago, and I can confirm that I did make him stop. I hasten to add, however, that I know that Dudley has changed considerably over the years. I am not in any way belittling Mark’s complaint, but I want to make it clear that I have no lasting feud with my cousin. If Mark Evans deserves anything after the ordeal I saw him go through, it is to get revenge over that bully, and I whole-heartedly support him in his attempts. However, I believe that Dudley has certainly received a fair share of punishment for his behaviour in his earlier years, and I hope that both he and Mark can leave behind this unfortunate entanglement.”

Senior member Marmaduke Hartlepoole briefly sums up the views we have been subject to, and asks the people of the Wizengamot to consider carefully the real nature of this case.

“To sum up, ladies and gentlemen of the Wizengamot, there have, as confirmed by the defendant, been acts of hostility committed towards Dudley Dursley. This is no longer a matter that needs questioning. Instead, what you must ask yourselves is whether it was an act of Muggle-baiting, or merely an act of revenge, spurred by heinous attacks of bullying six years ago. Whilst Dudley Dursley mentions nothing of these attacks, and Mrs Petunia Dursley seems outraged at the thought of her ‘Ickle Diddykins’ behaving thus, it would seem that there is substantial evidence, in the forms of Mr Mark Evans and Mr Harry Potter, to prove that acts of bullying did occur.

“Your job now is to decide whether or not Mr Evans was right to take his own revenge, or if he is in fact fabricating the entire story. The choice is yours.”