In the Sun

VII.

It’s early when I wake up, but I don’t want to go back to sleep although I arguably should. I know I don’t sleep enough. My bare feet touch the ground as I get off the bed. I grab my cloak on my way out the door. I can’t stay inside anymore.

I see him as soon as I am outside the castle. It doesn’t surprise me that he is standing right there, a dark figure against the bright light of a rising sun. I walk towards him, my feet wet from the dew on the grass. I stop when I am right behind him.

“Hello,� I whisper.

He turns around. “Rosie,� he says, his face breaking into a smile. He has a cigarette in one hand. His white blond hair is tussled and he has dark circles under his eyes.

“Why are you up so early?�

Scorpius shrugs. “I couldn’t sleep. You?�

“The same.�

We stand in silence. The sunlight shines down on Scorpius, bathing his entire body in the orange light. His hair, especially, becomes light. He looks enlightened, as though he’s on his way to Heaven. He probably is. The sunlight is everywhere all at once, poking through trees and stinging in my eyes, but all I can see is the glorious boy in front of me. Scorpius takes a drag from his cigarette. He stares directly into the sun and I can’t help but wonder if it hurts, just a little.

“I feel like I’m disappearing,� he says, not looking at me. “Like I’m slowly fading away and one day I won’t be here anymore. I’m fading Rosie, slowly.�

He turns to look at me, his eyes begging.

“Yeah,� I mutter, playing with my hair.

“Do you ever feel that way?� he asks. I can’t look away from those wide grey eyes.

“I don’t know.�

Scorpius turns back to the sun. “Maybe I should just go away, hide out somewhere where I can’t bother people anymore.�

“I would miss you,� I say quietly.

“I would miss you, too,� he admits. “But you’re just becoming sad because of me.�

“I’m always sad. It’s not your fault.�

“I think it is.�

“Don’t think things like that.�

There is a long silence in which Scorpius looks at the sun, the sky, the ground, everywhere that is bathed in orange sunlight. I just look at Scorpius.

“Remember those of us who love you.�

He looks at me skeptically. “There aren’t a lot of you.�

“And does that make us insignificant?�

Scorpius makes a noncommittal sound in his throat.

“Just remember that no matter what, there are a few people who care about you,� I say, trying to sound slightly casual. “And that’s the most important thing a person can have. You’re lucky, Scorpius, to be loved.�

He sighs.

“You’re going to need some courage to meet new people and let them love you, too,� I tell him. “I’ll always care for you. Just remember me when I’m gone.�

“What do you mean?�

I give him a parting smile and turn around, walking back to the castle.

“Rosie!�

I pretend not to hear him.

III.

“Rosie.�

She looks at me with those dark brown eyes. They are glittering in the sunlight. Her hair, the red hair, is glittering as well. It has become flaming red out here, under the sun. We are sitting beside the lake, just watching the sunset, not really speaking. The sunset is a burst of several different colors peeking through the sky. But the burning sun is still there, burning a hole through the sky itself.

“What?�

I take her in with my eyes, looking up and down her entire body. I was going to ask her if she wanted to come inside for dinner, but here, with the sunset in the background, something else comes out of my mouth entirely.

“I love you.�

My heart is beating in my chest so hard that in a few moments it might suddenly burst out. The hand that was braiding her hair clumsily has become sweaty.

Rosie just looks at me. I can’t read her expression at all, it’s completely blank. If only she would answer. Or something.

Rosie’s entire face breaks into a smile. It goes from the pink lips all the way up to her eyes.

“That’s sweet of you.�

VI.

It’s my fault. It’s all my fault.

I keep getting letters from mum asking if I won’t come home. But I won’t, I won’t, I won’t… I don’t deserve to come home. I don’t deserve anything really. And I can’t come home. Here at Hogwarts, though, I have distractions. And schoolwork, a lot of schoolwork.

And I just wish that Scorpius would go away.

“You’re killing yourself with schoolwork, Rosie.�

“I don’t think that’s possible.�

“Rosie, please, we have to talk about what happened.�

Talk about what happened? Why should we talk about what happened? I think that we all know what happened and we all know why it happened. I know that he’s worried and it’s very sweet and all, but I just can’t talk about this with him right now.

“No, we don’t. I’m fine. I’m writing an essay and I’m fine.�

“No, you’re not, Rosie.�

I hate people who want to talk to me about what happened. Unfortunately though, it’s sort of hard for me to hate Scorpius. So I just ignore him so that I don’t end up saying something to him that I really don’t mean. I concentrate on my essay. I don’t even remember what it’s about, so I just write some nonsense about werewolves, because I don’t really care. It’s silly, I spend so much time doing my schoolwork, and yet my grades rarely pass P.

“ROSIE!� Scorpius finally shouts. He takes away my essay and throws it into the fire.

“What are you doing?� I cry, fury boiling up under my skin.

“What are YOU doing?� he shoots back. “You’re brother died three months ago and you won’t talk about it! You’ll only say that you feel fine! I just… I can’t sit by and watch you kill yourself, alright? So talk. Let it out.�

“You want me to let it out?� I whisper. “Fine! Fine! I’m letting it out!� I’m screaming by now, the words ripping out of my throat. “My brother died three months ago and I don’t want to talk about it! I don’t want to talk about it because every time I say his name, every time someone brings it up, something inside me breaks. You know why? Because it’s my fault. It’s my fault that he died!� My screams turn into sobs and I cover my face so that Scorpius won’t see. In a second his arms are around me.

“Rosie…� he whispers. “It wasn’t your fault. You weren’t even there. You couldn’t have stopped it.�

“But it is my fault,� I whimper. “It’s a big sisters duty to take care of her little brother. I didn’t do that. It’s all my fault.

V.

I am running. The adrenaline pumps through my body and out into my legs, giving them the power to continue. Some of my friends tell me that all those ciggies are going to make me get out of shape, but I honestly haven’t seen it happen yet. I attack the stairs with my legs, pounding up the steps. I don’t have time to think, I only have a destination in mind: the Ravenclaw Common Room. I know that she’s there. Rosie. I slide to a stop in front of the Common Room entrance. I don’t even bother to try to get in, I know that there is no way that I will be able to get in anyway; I’m not smart enough. I’ve never been smart enough for Rosie anyway. It only takes a little while before she comes out. I don’t know how, but somehow she always knows where I am.

“Rosie!� I exclaim. I pull her into my arms. “I’m so sorry,� I mutter into her hair. It smells like her shampoo, as always. Rosie only stands there, her arms limp at her sides. I pull away and rest my hands on her shoulders. “Are you alright?�

She has circles under her eyes and her face is pale, but it doesn’t look as though she’s been crying.

“No, of course you’re not all right,� I sigh, answering my own question. “I’m so sorry. When did you find out? Why didn’t you come get me? I know it was the middle of the night, Rosie, but honestly, I wouldn’t care if you woke me up. I really wouldn’t. I just… I can’t believe this about Hugo. It’s so awful. Was it an accident, Rosie? It must have been. It can’t have been… intentional, right?�

Rosie continues to stare at me, and I feel myself becoming slightly frightened. She isn’t saying anything, and her face seems to be frozen into a blank expression. “Rosie.�

She lifts up her small, white hand, in which she holds a folded piece of paper. I take it gently from her and open it.


Rosie,

I can’t go on. It’s been too long since I last had the joy of a genuine smile.

I am lost.

I am lost, and I do not think that I will ever be found. I have been lost for a long time now, but I now I am lost to myself as well.

Mum and Dad won’t understand. Neither will you. I can’t explain why, but the depths of the Lake seem so welcoming right now. I want to sink. I want to sleep and never wake. To go to a place where all my mistakes and responsibilities stay above the water. I want to lie in the water till I am clean again.

You have always taken care of me, Rosie. Always. Thank you. Please don’t be sad, we will see each other again, one day, and then you can take care of me again.

Hugo.


“Rosie…� I don’t know what to say. “I’m so sorry.�

She shakes her head. “Don’t be,� she whispers. Her voice is hoarse, as if she hasn’t spoken in a long time. “Don’t be. I think… I don’t know what I think.�

I sigh and wrap my arms around her. I can feel the tears building up my own eyes now, and I bury my head in her hair, so that she won’t see.

“I just…� she breathes into my ear. “I just wish that I could have been there. I take care of him. It’s what I do. But I couldn’t do it properly. Where is he now, Scorpius? Is he alone? Do you think he’s frightened?�

I have nothing to say so I just hold her tighter.

IV.

Scorpius is not healthy. I know that, because I can see it in his pale face and his tired eyes. I can feel it when he starts trembling for no reason. I can hear it when he cries and screams at night.

I don’t know what to do for him to change him. I don’t know how to make him happy. He claims that he has never been as happy as he is now, but I can’t believe him. Scorpius smiles when he sees me. His eyes light up like the sun at midday. But I can see something else. Something hidden that he won’t tell me.

We sit outside. The snow is falling down silently around us. The sky is grey and the sun cannot be seen, but it must be somewhere, hidden. Scorpius holds my two hands in his left hand. In his right hand he has his cigarette. Every once in a while he takes a drag. He blows out the smoke again and it dissolves into the air, consumed by the snow.

“Are you alright, Scorpius?� I ask.

“Of course I am,� he says. “I’ve never been better than I am right now.� He squeezes one of my hands.

“Why did you start crying in your sleep last night?� I ask.

He looks away from me and drops his cigarette to the ground. Scorpius takes his time stubbing out the cigarette with his foot.

“That had nothing to do with you,� he finally says, looking at the cigarette.

“That’s not what I asked,� I said.

Scorpius shakes his head. “I have nightmares.� He’s looking away from me, looking fixedly at the snow, as though he sees something that I can’t. “Don’t tell me you’ve never had a nightmare.� He looks back at me and smiles, his platinum hair falling slightly into his eyes.

I can’t help it. I smile back.

“I couldn’t find you earlier today,� he says, changing the subject.

“I was helping Hugo study for his OWLs.�

“You’re such a nice sister,� he comments. I shrug self consciously.

“I wish I had a sibling,� Scorpius says suddenly. “Someone to… understand stuff.�

I frown slightly. “You want a sibling? Scorpius, I thought you loved being the lovable, only child spoiled brat that you are.�

Scorpius gives a short laugh and holds me close to his chest. He smells like expensive soap, cigarette smoke and, for some reason, cinnamon.

“So I’m a spoiled brat?� he says, poking my stomach. I poke his stomach, but it’s not nearly as much fun, because he is only plain muscle.

“That’s why I love you,� I admit. He kisses the top of my head and I close my eyes, lost in the sensation of the cold, the snow and Scorpius.

VIII.

We are both damaged, I think, as I watch Rosie sit by the lake. The sun is setting. It lights up the scenery in so many colors and streaks the sky with orange and purple. She doesn’t know that I’m here, watching her. I’ve been watching her a lot lately, because I’ve been worried about her. Rosie dips her fingers into the lake. I know that she’s thinking about her brother and it frightens me.

We are both damaged and yet we just can’t talk about it. Rosie can’t get a word out about Hugo, yet I know that he’s all she ever thinks about. And I won’t (can’t) tell her the way I feel. I don’t know how to explain that I am the outcast, the odd one out and that I’m the only one who knows it. I can’t explain to her the feeling I have of fading into nothingness and slowly but inevitably disappearing. We all eventually disappear. We die and the memories of us, the very essence of us disappears. But I am disappearing now. I am perishing and I can’t explain it. Rosie keeps me alive, keeps me visible for now. I only have to watch her for a few moments and I am basking in the sunlight.

I light a cigarette and watch her sit there, illuminated by the glowing sunset. I eventually sigh, breathing out a good deal of smoke. I should leave her alone. I get up and walk away. I let the great doors of Hogwarts slam behind me. I trudge along the corridors, my cigarette still in hand. I forgot to get rid of it before going inside. I pause before going down the stairs and look out the window. I can only see a blurry outline of her now. It looks as though she’s… standing in the water. But that can’t be true. I watch as she walks further and further into the water until only her head is visible, then it disappears. I frown. It’s not healthy for her to go into the water. I turn around, my back to the window. I feel bad about spying on her, but I don’t want her to hurt herself. I know that she’s suffering from the most immense guilt ever. She somehow thinks that it’s her fault that Hugo committed suicide.

I stand there for about five minutes before turning around and opening the window to throw my cigarette out onto the ground. That’s when I notice that she’s still gone.

“Rosie?� I ask out loud, all though she can impossibly hear me at that distance. The sun has almost finished setting now. “Rosie!� I shout.

The cigarette slips from my fingers and I wrench my hand inside again. I will myself to sprint as fast as I can. I run like I have never run before. I run straight past Professor McGonagall, who calls after me, “Mr. Malfoy, what is the meaning of this?�

I burst through the gigantic doors and sprint across the grass, only one thought going through my head: she can’t swim. She can’t swim! How could I forget? I should have stopped her the moment she stepped into the water.

She can’t swim. She can’t swim. She can’t swim. My hearts pounds quickly, each beat echoing throughout my entire body. I start pulling off my robes before I even get to the lake. I cast them aside and dive into the lake.

I can see only the green murkiness of the water. I swim with all my strength to get through it, to somehow find her. Then, finally, I see something white. I swim closer and closer, but she is drifting downward, sinking. I can feel that I need air, but I tell my lungs to wait. I have to save her, and I don’t care if I have to drown to do that. My hand finally closes around her wrist. I notice then that she is completely naked; the only thing covering her is her long red hair. I don’t let this stop me from gripping around her waist and swimming up towards the surface. We finally break free and I gulp in air. But Rosie isn’t.

I swim with her to the shore and several hands reach out to take hold of her. I don’t know when they showed up. She is wrenched away from me and I can only hear the shrieks.

“She’s not breathing!�

“Oh, Merlin, what happened?�

“She’s not breathing, she’s not breathing!�

“She couldn’t swim.�

“Someone get Madam Pomfrey!�

“We don’t have time for Madam Pomfrey, out of the way!�

I watch them argue over her, casting spells and putting their mouths to hers. They eventually carry her away, running.

I watch her disappear as the sun finally sets, enclosing me in darkness. I let myself sink down under the water.

I.

When I first see Scorpius it is on the Quidditch field. That’s a lie. I have seen him before, obviously, we have known each other since we met on the train when we were eleven. However, this is the first time that I really see him. It is after a Quidditch game, where we all witnessed Scorpius catch the Snitch right under the nose of the Hufflepuff Sneaker. All the Slytherins ran off to celebrate. I stayed behind, sitting on the bleachers and absorbing the evening air. Honestly, I was sketching. I can’t sketch in my dorm, because it’s always so noisy and there are so many distractions. I like to sit out on the bleachers and draw, it’s so relaxing.

But now here he is. He looks surprisingly normal, considering that he’s from the Malfoy family. His blonde hair goes down to his chin and looks as though it hasn’t been combed after his shower. I am surprised to see that he is wearing jeans like any Weasley would, and a leather jacket. I am even more surprised to see that he is smoking a cigarette.

I watch Scorpius for several moments. He is simply standing there, smoking his cigarette and looking around the Quidditch stadium. I rip off a page in my drawing pad and start on a sketch. I try to get just everything about him right. His posture, the way he holds the cigarette and the way he tilts back his head, looking at the color of the sky just after the sun has set. I sketch intensely for several minutes. I spend a long time perfecting his hand around the cigarette.

When I look up again, I gasp. Scorpius is looking straight at me. A small smile plays around his lips.

“What are you drawing?� he calls out.

I am speechless for a few moments.

“You,� I finally manage.

Scorpius drops his cigarette to the ground and then makes his way towards me. “Can I see?� he asks.

He jumps up onto the bleachers and takes them two at a time, before he is standing before me. I am surprised at his speed and agility on ground as well as in the air.

I dumbly hand over the sketch. Scorpius takes it and sits down next to me. He studies it intently. I squirm slightly in my seat, feeling awkward. He must think that I am some sort of stalker to be drawing him. We’ve hardly ever spoken.

“I like it,� Scorpius finally says, surprising me.

“Really?� I ask.

He nods. “But why?�

“Sorry?�

“Why did you sketch me?� he asks, turning to me.

I spend a few moments finding the words. “Because you look different.�

Scorpius looks down at himself, obviously looking for the thing that makes him different.

“Different than one’s expectations, I mean,� I clarify.

He sighs. “Right,� he says bitterly. “I know I’m a disappointment. Not only do I not wear my squeaky clean Malfoy robes, I don’t get perfect grades. And I have a very Muggle nicotine addiction.�

“I meant different in a good way.�

Scorpius frowns at me. “In a good way?� he repeats.

“Well, yeah,� I say, embarrassed to be saying any of this. “I mean, people would expect you to be some sort of arrogant snob, totally over the top because you won the Quidditch match (which was brilliantly done, by the way) but you’re not. You’re… I don’t know - normal. But not.�

Scorpius laughs. “You’re slightly odd, you know that?�

I can feel myself blushing. “So I’ve been told.�

“Will you accompany me to Hogsmeade this weekend and show me your other drawings?�

The question is so sudden and unexpected that it takes me by surprise. We’ve only been talking for a few minutes and he already wants to take me out?

“You don’t have to,� he says quickly. “It was just a suggestion.� He shrugs. “No big deal.�

“I would love to.�

A smile spreads across his pale features.

IX.

I lie, wet and cold, on the ground beside the lake throughout the night. I think back on everything that has ever happened between Rosie and me. I let all the moments roll through my mind and sweeten it. And then I remember what is real and what is now. Rosie is naked and cold. She’s not the warm and soft girl that I wrapped so tightly into my arms, that she accused me of treating her like a teddy bear. But she loved it. The sky is so dark and vast that I lose myself in it, and for one crazed moment I find myself thinking that I am the sky and the sky is me, before I gather my senses again and feel the cold wet ground beneath me. A link to reality. Nothing seems real now that Rosie is gone.

Rosie is gone.

Those simple three words build up inside my chest and they start hammering their way out. Some sort of strangled sob escapes from my mouth. When nothing stops me another one comes out and then I am crying, sobbing, into the wet ground. My fingers wrap around the dirt, but it only slips through and I am left empty handed with nothing to hold on to. My salty tears mix with the dirt and snot on my face, and the entire mess drips off the edge of my chin. Rosie is gone.

It takes me a long while before I have cried all my emotions out and I am left feeling empty and dry, but not better at all. I now only feel the loss in some hollow way inside of me. I crawl to the edge of the lake and dip my hands in the water and rinse my face with it. At least I feel slightly clean now.

Somehow I find the strength to climb to my feet and trudge back towards the castle. I don’t know why, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do outside in the dark either. The lights don’t seem welcoming, but hollow. Hollow just like me. I feel like I have finally disappeared.

The heavy doors are nearly impossible for me to open but somehow I manage it. I drag my feet along the floor, but I don’t know where I’m going. I pause in the middle of the Entrance Hall and wonder what I’m doing. I have nowhere to go.

“Mr. Malfoy?�

I turn at the sound of my name. Professor McGonagall peers at me from behind her glasses. “Are you alright?�

I don’t answer. I just look at her, because I don’t really understand how she has seen me, now that I’ve disappeared. After wondering about this I wonder why in Merlin’s name she has asked me such a ridiculous question. Rosie’s gone.

“She’s gone,� I say hoarsely, as though this is answer enough.

“You’d better come with me,� McGonagall says. She starts up the stairs and I wait for a moment before deciding that I have nowhere better to go. I don’t think about where we are going. I only drag my feet after McGonagall’s. I don’t know what she wants from me, but I hope that she isn’t expecting some sort of bravery. I hope that she isn’t expecting me to move on. To find another girlfriend. Because right now I just want to sink to the bottom of the lake as well.

I am surprised when McGonagall stops in front of the Hospital Wing, but then I think, Oh, Merlin, she is going to show me the body.

“Go on in,� she says.

Her stare has always frightened me, so I take a deep breath and open the door to the Hospital Wing. At first I am just standing there, in all the whiteness and cleanliness. Almost all of the beds are empty. I start walking past them, my eye fixed on some red hair that I know far too well. I stop in front of her bed. At the same time my heart stops and then it starts pounding quickly.

She’s breathing. I can clearly see her chest rising and falling. There are small pink spots on her cheeks. I leap from my spot onto her bed, sitting next to her.

First I just touch her cheek. Then I am holding her hand and kissing her forehead, before finally resting my head on her chest, listening to her steady heart beat.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

Rosie is alive! She’s not gone after all, she’s alive and breathing and her heart is beating!

“Scorpius,� she whispers.

My head shoots up from its resting place. “Rosie!�

I put my mouth down and cover hers gently. I then put one hand on each side of her head.

“Don’t you ever, ever, do something like that again,� I tell her. “Please, Rosie, because I swear, I thought that you were gone, and I was thinking that that was it and I had finally disappeared and that I had no one and that I might as well die and really, Rosie, that’s the worst feeling in the world, so don’t ever go into water again, alright? Not until you learn to swim. You promise?�

A small smile cracks. “I promise.�

I finally breathe again. “Well. Thank you.�

I place my head back down where it was and I listen to her heart beat. Her hand rises up to my hair and she wraps her fingers in it.

“You know something, Scorpius?� she says. “You saved my life. You saved my life.�

“You needed saving,� I mumble.

“I know,� she says. “I know. I think I died for a few moments there. I died and I talked to Hugo.�

“You talked to Hugo?�

“Yeah,� she says. “Because I was dead and all. He told me that he was fifteen now and old enough to take care of himself. That I didn’t need to worry about him. And you know what? I believed him. So I came back. But I wouldn’t have come back if it wasn’t for you. You saved my life. Thank you.�

“Don’t,� I tell her. “Don’t start thanking me like I’m some hero. I’m really not.�

“Sometimes the hero needs to be saved as well,� Rosie says. “You’re not well, Scorpius and I’m sorry that I haven’t been there for you. I’ve only been thinking about Hugo.�

“I’ll be fine,� I tell her. “I’ll be fine now that you’re here.�

“You’re not disappearing,� she tells me. “You’re clear as day in front of me. Otherwise how could I love you so much?�

I squeeze her hand and look out the window. The sun is rising. A glowing orange sun, rising from behind the mountains, bringing all the colors of daylight with it.

It’s the start of a new day.

II.

It is late in the afternoon and the sun is burning down on us. Scorpius is lying on the grass, his blonde hair on his face and his eyes closed. His long fingers thread into mine. I am certain that everyone can hear my heart pounding as fast as it is. Scorpius manages to be completely still and relaxed, but I cannot relax when he is right beside me. Instead I sit, watching him and noting every detail about him. I’ll remember it for later.

“Stop staring at me,� he mutters.

“I’m not staring at you,� I lie.

“Yes you are,� he counters.

“You can’t even see.�

“You’re staring. Stop,� he says. He’s grinning.

I sigh heavily and lie down next to him on the grass. “Happy?�

“Very.�

I close my eyes as well and at that moment I feel as though the two of us can lie there, in the sun, for all eternity.

- The Beginning