Summary: Ms A Cadwallader wishes to improve herself and apply for a better job. Unfortunately, despite her impeccable qualifications, she is thwarted by a certain Junior Under Secretary for the Minister of Magic, who has let it be known that basic spelling errors can never be over looked.
This story, written in the style of a series of letters, first appeared in The Battle of the Genres over at the SBBC forum.
I am not JK Rowling. She would probably have been more amusing.
This story is for Minna because it was her birthday and she likes this pairing.
Thank you Natalie for liking the drabble and encouraging me to expand.
Winner of the Best Humour QSQ in 2012 - GOBSMACKED!!!
Categories: Humor Fics Characters: None
Warnings: None
Challenges: Series: None
Chapters: 1
Completed: Yes
Word count: 1538
Read: 3529
Published: 04/21/12
Updated: 04/21/12
1. Letters by Equinox Chick
Author's Notes:
I had fun with this. It's not knockabout farce, but more of a gentle humour. Enjoy!
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your advertisement in The Daily Prophet asking for a secretary.
As you can see from my curriculum vitae, I have three years experience in this feild, working in the Misuse of Muggle Artefacts Department. I gained OWLs in all the required subjects as well as NEWTs in Transfiguration, Charms, Herbology Potions and Anceint Runes.
I trust that you will consider my application and look forward to hearing from you in due course.
Yours faithfully,
Miss A Cadwallader.
~*~
Dear Sir,
It has been thirteen days since I applied for a position in your department, yet I see the position is still being advertised. In case you have lost my application, I enclose another copy of my curriculum vitae and point again to my three years expereince and my excellent NEWT grades.
I trust this letter will not go amiss.
Yours faithfully,
Miss A Cadwallader
~*~
Dear Sir,
Am I given to understand that you will not be offering me an interveiw? The position as your secretary is still being advertised and yet I can assure you that I would make a most excellent secretary. I can supply full references, and point you AGAIN to my curriculum vitae.
If you are unable to offer me an interveiw, then I would appreciate a letter explaining why. It is hardly courteous to leave a lady waiting for a response.
Yours faithfully,
Miss A Cadwallader.
~*~
Dear Miss Cadwallader,
I apologise for not responding to your application. As you may be aware, this position has received a high number of applications and we have been working hard to sieve through the many letters.
Unfortunately, I have to inform you that you have not met the standards required by the department, so we have not taken your application any further.
I thank you for your interest and wish you well in the future.
Yours sincerely,
P Weasley.
(Junior Undersecretary for the Minister of Magic)
~*~
Dear P Weasley,
What do you mean you are not taking my application any further? I’ll have you know I am eminently qualified for the position and if you would bother to interveiw me, you would definitely be impressed.
Quite frankly, I am insulted at your attitude, but I suspect you are looking for a muddle-headed girl who will not take the job seriously whereas you could employ someone with exceptional expereince.
I withdraw my application because I do not think I could bear to work for such an idiotic man!
Yours never!
Miss A Cadwallader.
~*~
Dear Miss Cadwallader,
It is field - not feild.
Ancient - not Anceint.
Interview - not interveiw.
Experience - not expereince.
Please remember the old adage ‘i before e, except after c’
Regards
P Weasley.
(Junior Undersecretary for the Minister of Magic)
~*~
Dear Weasley
HA! Well you’ve just contradicted yourself, haven’t you, Mr Junior Undersecretary for the Minister of Magic? Ancient has a c in it, doesn’t it? So according to you, I got that one right.
I wish your new secretary luck. She’ll need it.
Miss A Cadwallader
Dear Miss Cadwallader,
What makes you think we are only interested in employing females? The Minister is interested in promoting equal opportunities for all. We are simply looking for the best candidate - and thus that means one that can spell.
In respect to the word ‘Ancient’: yes, the ‘i before e’ rule does not apply here. I apologise for confusing you, but you seem to be someone who is easily confused.
Regards
Mr P Weasley
(Junior Undersecretary for the Minister of Magic)
~*~
Dear P Weasley,
(or perhaps I should call you JUMM!)
I am not easily confused. I again point you to my examination results and inform you that I was a Ravenclaw. We are highly intelligent and do not suffer fools gladly. I do not wish to recieve any further communication from you, and will complain to the Minister if you continue to harass me.
Yours, giving you due warning,
Miss A Cadwallader.
~*~
Dear Miss Cadwallader,
This is not harassment. I am responding to your letters because you wished to know why your application was unsuccessful.
Regards,
P Weasley.
(Junior Undersecretary for the Minister of Magic)
PS: It’s receive - not recieve.
~*~
Weasley,
Go boil your head!
Miss A Cadwallader
~*~
Dear Miss Cadwallader,
I tried boiling my head, but it only made my hair redder and my freckles more pronounced.
Yours sincerely,
P Weasley
(Junior Undersecretary for the Minister of Magic - or JUMM, if you’d like.)
PS: Despite only being a Gryffindor, I gained eleven OWLs and seven NEWTs. I am also an extremely good speller.
~*~
Weasley
Why would I be interested in your qualifications? You seem to think from your persistent attempts at communication that I like recieving receiving your missives. Well, I don’t! I have seen you in the cafeteria with an insufferably smug expression on your face and can only pity anyone who has to spend time with you.
Go away!
Miss A Cadwallader.
~*~
Dear Miss Cadwallader,
Because with my qualifications, I could proof read your future applications.
Percy Weasley
(JUMM)
PS: I’ve also seen you in the cafeteria although I’m surprised you’ve noticed me (or my smug expression) as you’re usually reading a witch-lit novel of some sort.
PPS: you corrected yourself with ‘receive’ - thank you. (I hope that doesn’t sound smug.)
~*~
Dear Weasley,
I am ... taken aback. Why would you wish to help me?
Yours curiously,
Miss A Cadwallader
PS: I never read witch-lit. I find it far too demeaning. I suspect you caught me reading a historical tome.
PPS: My correction of my last letter had nothing to do with you. I am merely taking more care.
~*~
Dear Miss Cadwallader
I think you have a great deal of talent and are wasted in the Misuse of Muggle Artefacts Department. Plus, my father spoke highly of you when he worked in the department.
Yours sincerely (yes, really),
Percy Weasley.
PS: Your historical tome was called ‘Unrobed by a Passionate Flame’. Which era does this pertain to?
PPS: I am pleased you are taking care with your spelling; it can only lead to a better and brighter future.
~*~
Dear P Weasley
OH! I’d forgotten that you’re Arthur’s son. He was a nice man and never complained about my spelling. How is he?
Yours reminiscently,
Miss A Cadwallader
PS: I’ll have you know that I was reading a factual account of Wendelin the Wierd’s life. You must have misread the title.
PPS: I think you overestimate the value of spelling. I happen to know that your father never mastered the spelling of my surname.
~*~
Dear Miss Cadwallader,
My father is very well and enjoying life working in Muggle Liaison. He remembers you with great fondness and said you kept his working life in perfect order.
So ... would you like assistance with your job applications? If yes, then how about lunch one day? I promise I will find somewhere better than the cafeteria.
Yours hopefully,
Percy Weasley
(JUMM)
PS: I am loathe to do this, but it’s Wendelin the Weird, not Wierd. And the cover picture of the witch undressing didn’t look like any of the illustrations that I remember of Wendelin from A History of Magic.
PPS: Yes, I know my father cannot spell, but my mother can and she corrects his letters. They have been married for over thirty years now and are still very happy.
~*~
Dear JUMM
HA! Are you sure? I thought the rule was ‘i before e’?
Yours smirking,
Miss A Cadwallader.
PS: Ah, yes, that book. It was a colleagues. I was merely flicking through it to see what utter tripe she reads.
PPS: What are you implying?
~*~
Dear Miss Cadwallader ,
Yes, you got me again. Unfortunately, some rules are made to be broken.
I am still waiting your reply to my lunch invitation. And as a Gryffindor, I am rather impatient.
Yours,
Percy Weasley
(JUMM)
PS: I quite understand about the book. The nonsense my mother reads ... but we all have our foibles. On occasions, I still read Marvin Miggs the Mad Muggle.
PPS: I am not implying anything, merely suggesting that a mismatch in spelling needn’t sound a death knell on a ‘friendship’.
~*~
Dear Percy
I received your letter with great deal of amusement and reply to you thusly:
If you book a table for two at the Copper Cauldron, and promise not to correct my grammar and spelling, then I will permit you to take me for lunch. Who knows, perhaps you can instruct me in proper interview techniques.
Yours,
Audrey Cadwallader.
PS: Marvin Miggs - really? Well, that is unexpected and rather endearing. I suspect you have a roguish side.
PPS: Your use of inverted commas around ‘friendship’ suggests something more ...
~*~
Dear Audrey,
I have booked the Copper Cauldron for one-thirty precisely.
Love,
Percy.
PS: Roguish? Well, I have my moments.
PPS: I am reliably informed by my youngest brother that ‘friendship’ is a very good basis for ... more.
PPPS: You have mastered ‘i before e’. Your letter is pure perfection!
~*~
End Notes:
Reviewwwwwwwws are lovely. (notice I spelt that one correctly)
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.