Heavy



“Scorpius?�

For his entire life, there had always been a huge weight pressing against Albus’s chest. Al struggled and pushed against it, but slowly, he started to lose. It was suffocating him, killing him from the inside out, like a poison. I saw it happen. But almost no one else did. They should have; had they not heard themselves?

He looks just like his father.

Albus has to be one of the brightest students to ever walk these halls.

He’s amazingly talented;, I might even pit him against Dumbledore ... and win!

Straight O’s? He’s smarter than Hermione.

He’s just like his father.

He looks just like his father.



For the longest time, that was what killed Albus: being compared to his father, because as much as he shrugged it off, it always bothered him. Al hated when people told him he was just like his dad, because The odd thing was, Albus was nothing like his father. But no one knew that, until they were forced to see it. They didn’t want to;, they didn’t want to know what Albus was really thinking or feeling. All they cared about is what they wanted him to be, not how he was. It was a bit of a shock to them when Albus quit his work at the Ministry and disappeared. But that was almost three years ago.

How did they not see it coming? Everything was building up, burying him, even in school. The only other person who noticed was Lily, but no one listened to quiet, sweet Lily. They just dismissed it; apparently, she was worrying too much. Merlin, you should have heard her when she found out. It was the only time I ever heard her really raise her voice.

Even now, she hadn’t given up. She was still looking for him, balancing her search with teaching nursery and her life with Louis. Albus and I had known about them for a while before they announced their relationship, but it came as a shock to the rest of his family. Dominique knew, too, so the three of us sat there and watched everyone else squirm. Lily and Louis didn’t care, though, and they’re still together, almost four years later.

Before they told their family, however, Lily was terrified. She came to Al and my flat, though he wasn’t there. After a whole bunch of dodging questions and brewing two pots of tea, I managed to work it out, but I saw nothing wrong. You couldn’t help who you fell for; I knew that from experience. Sadly, Lily uncovered what I was hiding, through my advice, and we exchanged secrets. That was our business now, secrets and tea, though mostly about Al. We needed to find him, but it had been looking more and more grim as months, years, slipped by. He hadn’t touched his Gringotts’ account since he left, and he never went back to our flat for the things he left.

It was this business that brought me to Lily’s door this November night. I had lied to her;, for months, I had pretended to be just as clueless as she was. But I had found Albus, though I screwed it up. And I didn’t know how to fix it. There was no one else to go to. I needed to tell her what happened. She could fix it. It was Lily, lovely Lily. She could do anything.

So I knocked, and Louis opened the door, yawning. I got through the normal questions to be expected at this time, and eventually, Lily and I were in her tiny living room, both clutching mugs of tea.

“What is it? Did you find him?� Lily asked immediately, and I couldn’t meet her eyes. I set my mug down with careful deliberation, trying to think of a way out. I couldn’t. It didn’t matter if I could have thought of the best excuse in the world; I couldn’t look Lily in the eyes without feeling so … heavy. It was crushing me, lying to her. The only way I could fix it was to tell her. Then, maybe, I could fix things with Al. It was my only hope, my last chance. So I took a deep breath. That’s what I needed to do: breathe. It would be fine. But it wasn’t. Everything was wrong.

“Lily, there’s something I need to tell you,� I began quietly, looking her in the eyes. She looked worried, terrified, and excited all at the same time. “Shit. I don’t know if I can do this.� I felt something wet slide down my cheek, and I lowered my head. “Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. What did I do?�

“What happened?� Lily asked immediately, and I just stared at the wooden table between us.

“Lily … I found him. I found Al,� I replied, and Lily looked confused. Another tear.

“That’s good! Where is he?� she asked, smiling, but I just shook my head. Three more tears joined the first two.

“No. You don’t understand. I found Albus … six months ago,� I replied, my voice hollow. As more and more slipped down my face, I saw Lily’s smile fade.

“What?� she asked, her voice almost a whisper. “Why didn’t you tell me? What happened? Where is he? Is he okay?�

“He’s fine,� I replied, my voice hollow, before I sighed, trying to piece myself together. “I should start from the beginning.� And then I took another deep breath, and I realized that I already felt a lot less heavy. Was this how Al felt when he left?

It had been a bad day, to say the least. Mum was getting worse, and Dad wasn’t getting any better. He refused to visit her, so I had to keep on making excuses. She didn’t believe them anymore. But that wasn’t the worst part. The Healer … he had told me that she had half a year at the most. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her, but it was crushing me every time I looked at her, knowing. To put it simply, I needed a drink.

So I walked to the nearest bar, and just sat down. I think the barman tried to talk to me, but I honestly didn’t remember anything besides walking in. Until he came. Broader, more tanned, and even more unkempt hair, but it was him. And he walked right up to the bar, sat down a few seats away, and starting talking to the barman. Apparently ‘Mrs. Birhampton wanted everything pruned again, and she wasn’t happy with where her one-hundred willow tree was.’ And the barman just chuckled, asked him if it was a rough day, before handing him a drink without even asking what he wanted. Al never drank; he just didn’t see the point in it. He never talked to people he didn’t know, either. It couldn’t be him.

But it was the man’s (Albus’s?) bright green eyes, paired with the unruly black hair black, that made me sure it was him. I didn’t say anything, though; I just listened to his lighthearted banter. He looked happier than I’d seen him in a long time, though he still stirred his drink moodily, taking sips occasionally.

‘Do you know that lad over there? Because he seems to be staring,’ I had heard the barman say, and Al’s head snapped to me. His face immediately turned from one of slight amusement to one of downright surprise. Now that his eyes were looking at me, I saw how much brighter they were than before. So much … lighter. Not heavy, like they had been so long. Not like mine every time I visited my mum. Not like Lily’s whenever she talked about Albus. They looked, dare I say it, happy?

‘Scorpius?’ he asked said incredulously. My breath caught in my chest.

‘Albus?’ I replied. It really was him. I still couldn’t breathe.

And that’s where it all started.

‘Scorpius?’ he asked incredulously. My breath caught in my chest.

‘Albus?’ I asked back. It really was him. I still couldn’t breathe.

“Well … this is unexpected,� Al said simply, while the barman just looked confused. “I really didn’t expect to see you here, Scorpius. Oh yeah, and this is … Jack. Jack, this is Scorpius. We were mates at school.� Were?

“Pleased to meet you, Scorpius,� Jack said warmly, extending his hand.

“Likewise,� I replied, accepting the gesture. Albus relaxed visibly, causing both Jack and I to laugh.

“What are you doing here, Scorpius?� Albus asked after a while, and I felt the smile slide off my face. He didn’t know about my mum.

“Just needed a drink,� I replied, but Al’s face told me he wasn’t convinced. “Rough day.�

“Still working for the Department of Magical Creatures?� Al asked, chuckling slightly. I looked at Jack; surely this was a Muggle bar. Apparently not.

“Yep. What are you doing?� I replied, trying to sound casual, but it was a question that had been bothering me the entire time.

“Er … I’m working for Enchanted Lawns,� Albus admitted, looking down at his drink. Enchanted Lawns was a landscaping business. My mum used that company … had she known where he was the entire time?

“Wow. That’s, er, great, Al,� I said, but I was wondering why on earth Al had chosen to work there of all places. Albus was brilliant, a genius, in fact; he had worked for the Department of Mysteries, on something even Hermione Weasley couldn’t figure out. So why was he a landscaper?

“Shut it, Scorpius. I know what you’re thinking,� Al replied sullenly. That was more like the Al I had come to know.

“I have to get back to work, Al. See you later.� Al just nodded, still staring moodily at his glass.

“Lily and Louis still going strong?� Al asked, and I remembered Lily. Should I tell her?

“Yeah. She got the job at the Muggle primary school. Teaches nursery,� I told him, smiling, before looking down at my drink awkwardly. I knew I should go straight from here to tell Lily her brother was still alive, but what could I say? I could just imagine myself telling her: I talked to Albus in a bar. Don’t know if he’ll be back, and don’t know where he lives, but he’s alive.

I couldn’t. But I couldn’t lie to her, either.

“Listen, Al,� I said, deciding to bite the bullet and just say it. “Why did you just disappear? Lily’s worried sick; she’s still searching for you.� Albus just sighed before downing his drink.

“I wondered when you were going to ask that,� Albus said. “Look, I meant to tell you. It was just too much … the Ministry, the family, everything. It’s not what I wanted to do, and it was killing me. I hated it. I knew if I told my parents, they wouldn’t let me, they would try to convince me that it was what I wanted. But it wasn’t; it never was. It was hell.� I already knew most of that. I could always tell, especially in school. He would spend hours and hours in the library, skipping meals, studying his eyes out. But even if he got one thing marked off, he considered the essay or exam a failure.

That was when Lily and I first started helping Al. We would take turns trying to get Al out of the library, while the other nicked food from the kitchens.

“You didn’t have to completely disappear, though,� I replied, and I found that my voice sounded hoarse. No. I couldn’t do this again.

“I know. Listen, Scorpius, please don’t tell Lily about … this. I’m not ready to go back,� Al said, standing up.

“Am I going to see you again? Or do I have to wait another two years?� I asked angrily. Albus just laughed, a still, quiet, and yet beautiful laugh that I hadn’t heard in almost four years. It spread to his eyes, illuminating the emerald-green irises.

“Meet here again tomorrow?� he replied, before smiling at me. The smile that would change everything. It emanated pure beauty.




In the next two months, Albus and I met at the bar at least three times a week. I could tell he still wasn’t in great place, because that sole smile had been one of the only smiles I’d seen. Sure, he joked around more, especially with Jack, but the smiles never reached his eyes.

So I tried to be happy, to just give off rainbows and fairies. It was so hard most of the time, though, because I always came after visiting Mum. She was getting so much worse, but Al didn’t know about her. And I couldn’t tell him.

We sat and got drunk, joking about the Ministry or his psychotic family. Once in a while, he’d ask how his siblings or his parents were, and I’d update him. Merlin, Lily.

It had been proving agonizing to lie to her. She was just so … innocent, even when she’d open the door wearing nothing but one of Louis’s shirts, and God, she would talk so animatedly about Albus. I almost told her at least five times, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t betray Albus, not when I had just found him again. We had an easy routine once more, and our silences were content instead of awkward.

But I couldn’t help the feeling creeping up in my chest.

“Hey, Scorpius, I just realized … I never asked you how your family was,� Al said suddenly one night, and my heart plummeted. I just stared at my drink, debating whether or not to say anything. “Shit, something’s wrong, isn’t it?� Al asked, his eyes widening, and I could practically hear the gears in his head whirring trying to work out what was wrong.

“Yeah.� I sighed, stirring my drink. “Er … things aren’t too great right now.�

“What’s going on?� Albus asked, his voice soft and concerned.

“It’s nothing,� I dismissed. I am a Hufflepuff; of course I didn't say anything. “Just a bit of a rough patch, that’s all.�

“I may not have been a Ravenclaw, but I know when you’re lying, Scorpius,� Al replied, and I laughed.

“You should have been in Ravenclaw, not Slytherin - you were smarter than all of them, nitwit,� I trailed off, still laughing at Al’s dismissive modesty.

“Shut it, Hufflepuff,� Al retorted, smiling that same beautiful smile, before it slid off his face like Stinksap. “Your family?� he prompted.

“Al,� I started, a little bit of plea sneaking into my voice. His gaze was unwavering, though, and I knew he wasn’t going to let the matter go. “Fine. My mum is in St. Mungo’s, and she’s dying. My dad refuses to see her and locks himself in his study for days at a time. And all she wants is for him to visit her. I don’t know why he just won’t; she needs him.� Albus sighed.

“Scorpius,� he started, as I stared at my drink. “I’m sorry, mate.�

“You’re not the only one with issues,� I told him moodily but still unable to look him in the eyes.

“I know. You just sounded so … happy,� Al admitted, and I laughed bitterly. If he only knew the half of it. Being with him was killing me. Not telling Lily was pure torture.

“Well, everyone has their problems,� I conceded, and Al relaxed. “We’re just a little more secretive about it, that’s all.� Albus chuckled.

“Sometimes, I wonder if you should have been a Ravenclaw,� he said matter-of-factly, before running his hand through his hair. Al winced, but I knew it was because he had a long day. The dirt that covered him was evidence enough.

“Rough day?� I asked politely, raising an eyebrow. Al just nodded, and I noticed the dark circles under his eyes.

“Turns out James and Aria decided to start using Enchanted today. And she wants to completely redo their lawn. Which involves uprooting and replanting at least twenty huge trees. Thank Merlin for some useful spells,� Al explained. “And it took all I could not to be noticed. She was always out there; talking, giving water or something.� I just nodded; James and Aria Potter were rich. But I guess that was expected from a Quidditch player and a Witch Weekly model. I liked Aria well enough; she was rather … unique. She told you what she thought, which I suppose was good for James to hear. During school, Aria had knocked James down quite a few pegs. But I was still always envious of them. After the war, my family lost everything, so things had always been tight. And with my mum in Mungo’s … well, at least I had a job at the Ministry.

“Did she recognize you?� I asked, just to be sure. Al shook his head.

“Thank Merlin, no. Plus, everyone at work thinks my name is Logan Mallory. If James hadn’t been at practice, though, he would have definitely recognized me,� Albus admitted.

“Damn, that must have been close,� I said, and Al just nodded, before putting his head in his hands.

“I didn’t know they had a kid,� he told me, not looking up. “Does she even know she has an uncle?�

I thought back to the time Lily had appeared at my flat crying because the kid had asked who Al was in a photograph at Lily’s flat.

“Yes,� I answered hoarsely, knowing what Al was feeling. In all honesty, this was probably the most emotion I’d seen out of him. Ever. He just wasn’t that type of person; he was always about the facts.

“I didn’t know. My own brother, however much of an arse he may be, had a child, and I’m hiding in a pub because I cracked under a little bit of pressure. I have to go home,� he decided, but I knew that plan wouldn’t go well. Albus did, too; he just couldn’t see it right now. How ironic was that? Albus, who knew exactly what everyone else was thinking and what it would result to because of their patterns of behavior, couldn’t see his own idea was horrible.

“Al, it was more than a little pressure, first off. And you’re not ready. You may think it’s a good idea right now, but could you really go back … and go back to your old life? Trust me, it’s not the right time,� I reasoned, and Al sighed. Just then, Jack appeared next to Albus.

“What’s wrong, Al?� he asked, looking worried. “If you don’t want me to …� but Jack trailed off, looking at me meaningfully.

“No,� Al replied, smiling at Jack. It was horribly fake, though. “Just give me a minute.� looked questioningly at Al, who just sighed. “This was inevitably going to happen. Scorpius, Jack is my boyfriend.� In that second, my heart plummeted through my chest into my stomach.

“I- I might as well go.� I excused myself quickly, before walking out of the pub. Albus called after me, but I just kept walking, feeling it finding its way into my throat again, choking me. It was happening again.

After I Apparated back to my flat, I sat on the couch, my breathing ragged. The pain in my chest was horrible and crushing. I couldn’t believe I let it happen again. I swore I wouldn’t, but no matter how much I denied it, it did. I had told myself I would never feel this way again. But seeing him as he grabbed Jack the bloody barman’s hand had done it. I couldn’t deny it anymore.

I was falling for Albus Potter.

I didn’t go to the pub for a while. The hospital bills were piling up, and my salary was barely cutting it. It wouldn’t be enough soon, so I got another job. It was, ironically enough, at a pub, (in Diagon Alley). I didn’t see Lily for a while, because between my normal work and the pub I had an hour, which I spent with Mum, and after the pub closed, I had five hours before I had to go back to the Ministry. So I really should have expected her to show up at my flat sooner or later. When she did, thankfully, I had got the night off because I swapped shifts with someone else.

“Scorpius Malfoy, I know you’re there. So you’d better get your arse over here,� she said peevishly, pounding on my door. I stumbled over to the door, having fallen asleep doing paperwork on the sofa.

“Wotcher. There might be people in China who didn’t hear you,� I told her as I opened the door.

“Thank Merlin you’re alive!� Lily exclaimed as she ambushed me with a hug. I was then thoroughly confused.

“Well, that was a mood change,� I muttered as I let her in. I didn’t bother asking if she wanted tea; I just put a kettle on. It was us. Meanwhile, Lily was cleaning the beer bottles off the small table in the living area that had accumulated over the past few weeks. Most were still half-full.

“This is disgusting, Scorpius. The children I teach are neater than you,� she told me, crinkling her nose. By the time she had declared the living area bearable, the water had boiled. I sat down next to her, handing her a mug.

“Honestly, is it that hard to clean up a bit?� she asked me. I sighed.

“Yes, considering I spend a grand total of five hours here. Four of those hours are spent sleeping, mind you,� I told her, and Lily gave me a look of concern.

“What are you doing?� she asked, and I know she saw the circles under my eyes.

“Got another job,� I replied simply, taking a sip of tea. Lily giggled.

“You sound like you’re forty. You’re twenty-six, Scorpius,� she replied, rolling her eyes. “You need to get out more.� I just looked at her. She shrugged, not backing down.

“Anyway, if you aren’t here to tell me I need a social life, why are you here?� I asked, cutting to the chase.

“Well, for the social bit, it’s nothing a date couldn’t fix. I know-� Lily started helpfully. She really didn’t get sarcasm.

“You also know I’m gay,� I told her, cutting her off. That narrowed down dating possibilities considerably. Lily had worked it out the same time I had worked out about her relationship with Louis.

“I know. I do know someone who’s out, though …� Lily offered, but I just sent her a look. “Moving on,� she said, knowing she had lost. “I have a new idea. Maybe Al’s doing something completely opposite of what we’d expect. Maybe he’s doing something really manual, like being a janitor or a construction wizard or something. He could easily use another name, and then no one would ever be able to track him. Merlin knows dad’s tried,� Lily told me. I really wasn’t listening; I just wanted to sleep. (Well, that and her theory was shockingly accurate).

“You might be onto something, Lily,� I told her, before frowning. The Albus I knew before wasn’t exactly the brawniest bloke. “But could you really see Al doing something really physically demanding?� I asked, trying to lead her astray.

“He may not work with Hippogriffs or dragons like you, but I know Al. He could adapt, if he was really that determined not to be found,� Lily reasoned. She just hit it right on the head. Smart, smart girl. I had to get her to leave before she became convinced with the idea. I owed it to Albus. Even though simply talking about him hurt physically.

“Look, Lily,� I said. “I’m not trying to be rude, but I’m-�

“Dead on your feet? Well beyond tired?� she asked with false innocence, still smiling the smile she always wore. Lily hugged me before standing up. “Quit the pub job, Scorpius,� she whispered before leaving. Too tired to think more about Albus, I collapsed onto the sofa again and crashed, even though there was a perfectly adequate bed in my room.

When I woke again, it was because there was another person rapping at my door. Sighing, I walked over to the door before glancing at the clock. It was three in the morning. Lily would pay for this …

“Lily, I swear to Merlin,� I started as I opened the door, but found it wasn’t Lily. It was her brother.

Well … shit.

“Expecting someone else, beautiful?� Albus slurred, and his breath reeked of alcohol. Sweet Merlin, Albus was drunk. Plastered, in fact.

“Really, Al?� I groaned as he staggered in. Al never got this drunk, but the one time he did, it had to be the time I actually planned to sleep?

“You still living here?� he asked, before knocking over my stack of bills. Good one, Albus. “Damn, it’s been a while.�

“You’re drunk,� I told him, laughing slightly. Calm, calculative Albus completely and utterly pissed. Was he still a genius when he was like this?

“Nah. Shit, I remember that picture,� Al slurred, picking up a picture of him and me and Hogwarts. It had been taken right after O.W.L.s, and Albus was going over every mistake he thought he made. I, however, had decided that I was done, and shoved him into the lake. Somehow, it turned into a water fight that involved almost our entire year. Lily had taken the picture after Al and I had climbed out of the lake, sopping wet. Our arms were slung around each other, and we occasionally pushed each other a bit. “We had some good times at Hogwarts.� Albus then proceeded to sing Hogwarts’ song. Until he started sobbing halfway through, it was hilarious. But I knew something was wrong, so I sat him down on the couch and put another kettle on. I sat next to him, deciding to figure out what was wrong while the water was boiling.

“All right, mate. What’s wrong?� I asked, sighing. I had accepted the fact I wasn’t going to get any sleep.

“I believe the better question would be what isn’t wrong,� he muttered. “My job is shit, my flat is smaller than my old bedroom, my life is shit, I’m hiding from my family because I’m too much of a coward to face them, you hate me, Jack hates me, and I’m completely plastered right now.�

“I don’t hate you,� I replied softly. No matter what, I didn’t hate him. I couldn’t. No matter how much I wanted to.

“You could’ve fooled me. You stormed out of the pub and haven’t come back in almost a month. You look like hell, by the way,� Albus replied, still horribly slurred. But even when he was completely drunk, and quite more relaxed than normal (I kind of liked drunk Albus), he was still quite observant.

“I have two jobs now, Al. I just haven’t had time,� I lied. If I really wanted to, I could have found time. “But what’s wrong with Jack?� I asked. Had they broken up?

“He dumped me,� Al replied simply, just as the kettle went off. Despite myself, I felt my heart leap. I went to go get the tea, but when I came back, Al was passed out. Rolling my eyes, I found a spare blanket and chucked it at him. Albus grunted, put the blanket on, and passed out again. I then trekked into my bedroom and fell asleep.

---

Thank Merlin that the next time I woke up, it was morning. Al was still sleeping when I made my way into the tiny kitchen, so I made myself a cup of tea quietly. Realizing it was Saturday, I sorted through the cupboards, making a shopping list. I accidentally slammed a cupboard and heard Al swear.

“So … loud,� he whimpered. I chuckled; a drunken Al was amusing, but a hungover Al was going to be fun. Hungover Al gave me many opportunities to mess with him.

“Tea?� I asked innocently, and Al groaned something that sounded like a yes, so I gave him a mug. Suddenly, an idea came to me. I had to sound casual about it, though. None of my feelings could get in the way.

“You could just stay here, you know. No one ever comes round, and your room is still here,� I offered. Albus didn’t respond, so I just finished writing the list. “Well, I’m off to the market,� I told him.

“Scorpius, wait,� Al said, just as I put on my coat to leave. “First, you’re still in your suit that I’m assuming you wore yesterday, minus the tie, and second, we need to talk.� I simply raised an eyebrow, but I took my suit jacket off.

“Okay. What do you want to talk about?� I asked, and Al sighed.

“I know,� he said simply, as if everyone else knew his train of thought. This was normal for him, though. I was still scared, though. He knew how I felt?

“Know what?� I asked, trying to keep the worry out of my voice.

“That you’re … that you’re like me,� he started to elaborate. Now I was scared.

“Elaborate, please,� I prompted, as Al didn’t look like he was going to continue.

“I know you’re angry,� he started. Seriously? That was what he thought? Ah, Al was always was helpless with humans. He knew thoughts, but not emotions. “I can see it. You’re angry at your dad, at the Ministry, for your mum, and at me.� Well, now I was. Was he really that thick? Couldn’t he see what I felt? It wasn’t hidden that well.

“No shit, Sherlock. I’m thrilled with my dad, really,� I retorted. Al just raised his eyebrow at me. “How are you angry, anyway? You seemed happier than I’ve ever seen you lately.� Albus laughed bitterly.

“I work for a landscaping company, I-� Al started, but I interrupted what was probably going to be the same speech from last night.

“Not trying to be rude, but I heard this all last night,� I told him. Except I didn’t know one thing. “Why did you break up with Jack?�

Al swore. “He wanted to meet my parents. I’d met his, and we got into a fight. Eventually, he said he couldn’t see me if I wouldn’t out myself to my parents. He only knew that my name was Albus, not my … situation,� Albus explained, looking into his mug. I hadn’t even completely known Al was gay until he introduced me to Jack, so I guessed his parents had no clue. Sure, he hadn’t had many girlfriends, but nothing really gave it away. Plus, Jack was a Muggle, so there was no chance he had met Albus’s parents.

“I’m sorry, Albus. I never liked Jack,� I told him. Al laughed.

“Believe me, I know. Anyway, enough about me. What about you? I knew you’re struggling, and I wanted to know if that was why you asked me to stay here,� Albus told me bluntly. I immediately looked at the stack of bills Albus had knocked over last night. They were perfectly in order. He went through my stuff?

But was that what he thought? That I’d ask him to move back in just to split the rent? Merlin, he really was oblivious.

“Is that really what you think?� I asked him, hurt that he thought I would stoop that low.

“Well … you’ve been really nice, which I know from experience you are not in the mornings, and you were angry at me the last time I spoke to you. Well, the last time I remember speaking to you,� Al told me, still acting as this was some Arithmancy problem or something.

“No! I’m angry at you now, but not because of the same reason! You actually think I’d stoop that low?� I yelled.

“Then why did you? That’s the only logical reason, and we haven’t spoken in weeks,� he said calmly back.

“Because …� I paused, taking back the words that were on the tip of my tongue. “Because I’m your friend? Because you came to me completely wasted last night?� I shot back, but Albus shook his head.

“That doesn’t fit, either,� he muttered. “Not strong enough for the emotion to amount to this …�

“It was a casual suggestion! I didn’t know you would jump to conclusions!� I roared. Part of it was a lie, I knew, but he couldn’t know that.

“Now you’re angry about something else. It’s not just this argument. You’ve been acting odd lately. It’s not just rage,� Al noted. Still talking about this like we were an experiment and he was interpreting the data.

“Really? It’s not like my best mate reappeared after disappearing for two years. And it’s not like I don’t have my own issues. It’s not like my mum’s dying or anything,� I retorted, my hands clenched with rage. He didn’t know a damn thing.

‘I know, so why would you do something like this for me?� he asked, and before I could stop them, the words I hadn’t wanted to say came out of my mouth.

“BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!� I bellowed, before grabbing my coat and the grocery list. “It was obvious!� But when I tried to leave, Albus stood in front of me, looking relieved.

“That’s the answer I was looking for,� he whispered. He had played me! I wanted to yell at him for saying all of that just make me say it, but I was distracted by Albus’s lips crashing onto mine.

I could taste the alcohol still lingering on his breath mixed with tea, and I could feel the heat as his toned body leaned into mine. It was nothing like I’d ever felt before. It was fireworks.

It was everything I’d dreamed of.

As Albus’s hands ran through my hair, I couldn’t help but think how long I had wanted this to happen. My hands found themselves under his shirt and on his defined chest. I pushed Albus against the wall, and Albus responded with renewed force. His hands found my neck, and before I knew it, it was me against the wall and he was in control. As his hand continued to wander, I let out an unexpected groan. Eventually, as much as I hated to, I had to pull away. I still had to go to the shops.

“Mm, Al,� I said as I pushed him off. “I really do have to go shopping,� I told him, smiling. “I won’t be long, though.� I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face; I couldn’t believe it was actually happening.

“Do you really have to go?� Al asked, smoothing down his tousled hair.

“Well, we could sit here and eat mustard,� I replied. “And I’m out of tea, thanks to you and your hangover.�

“Then why don’t we go together? I think I remember where it is …� Albus offered, and I couldn’t help but smile.

“Somehow, I don’t think shopping when you’re hungover is your brightest idea. You were horrible under normal circumstances. You’re not the most patient person …� I reminded him, and Albus laughed.

“You’re right. Shopping gives me a headache as it is,� he admitted. “See you soon.�

So I set off, turning up the collar of my coat at the spring rain. As I walked, all the thoughts that had been lost in the moment crashed on me in an instant. What was going to happen? Were we still friends … or something more? If we were more than friends, what could I tell Lily?

At the shops, I hurriedly bought what I needed and a few things I knew Albus would want. I’d shared the flat with him before, after all. But I couldn’t stop the sinking feeling in my stomach: that I would go back and Albus would say that it was all a mistake, and then he’d disappear again. If anything would be worse than breaking up with Albus, it would be losing him entirely before we’d even been in a relationship.

So when I got back to the flat, I just quietly started putting away the food. Beer in the fridge, teabags in the second cupboard to the right. Lettuce, fridge. Biscuits, left cupboard. So on and so forth. It was good to have a mundane task to do. I didn’t notice when Albus entered the room.


“Stop worrying. We don’t even know what this is yet,� he said, and our lips met once more. It was just as exhilarating as the first time, and all my other thoughts disappeared. When we pulled apart, my doubts returned.

“What is this?� I asked, and Albus shrugged. “So … are we together now, or something?� My face was creased as I stumbled over the words, but Albus looked as calm as ever.

“I don’t know,� he replied honestly, biting his lip. I felt the fear take over; after my declaration, I had no idea what Albus felt. He kissed me, but did it mean anything?

“Well, er,� I said, finding a blush creep up in my cheeks. I looked like a complete arse; I had declared my love for him! As if he could see me struggling, Albus touched my cheek. I looked at him, trying to keep the pain out of my eyes. I saw him smile.

“I suppose we are,� he replied. It was then that my doubts faded as the grey area cleared. I kissed his ear, not able to keep the grin off my face. But then there was Lily. I didn’t know how long I could lie to her, so I supposed I just had to hope that Al might be ready to reappear soon.

I noticed Al’s tousled hair was slightly damp, and I could smell his aftershave. It was intoxicating. I recognized the scent; it was the same kind he had used when he worked at the Ministry.

“When do you have to be at work next?� Albus asked, and I had to think for a minute.

“Well, it depends. Your sister, who was, incidentally, here last night, thinks I should quit my job at the bar, which would mean Monday. Otherwise, tonight at around seven. You?� I replied, and Al’s face paled.

“She came here?� he asked worriedly.

“Don’t worry. It’s the fourth time in the five years I’ve lived here it’s happened. And it was because she thought I’d vanished,� I assured him, and Albus relaxed.

“Why did she think you should quit your job?� he asked, and I sighed. “Apart from the obvious signs of exhaustion …�

“That was actually it. She didn’t think it was healthy,� I said, and Al nodded.

“Knowing how early you get to work, I estimate you haven’t had more than four hours of sleep a night. Definitely not healthy. You should listen to her. With the now split rent, you won’t need the extra money, and I honestly don’t know if I could date another bartender,� Al advised, smiling at his last comment.

“So you are staying?� I asked, and Albus just nodded. “To answer your question, then, Monday,� I told him, and Albus smiled. “When do you have to go in next?�

“The same,� Albus answered. We had the entire weekend to ourselves. “But I probably should move out of my flat …� I had forgotten about that.

“I’ll help. Want to get it over with now?� I asked, and Albus sighed.

“Why not? I’ll pay my final rent on the place and be done with it,� he agreed, before Disapparating with a crack. I immediately followed. I was quite curious to see his hated flat.

When I arrived, I could see why. Its yellowing walls were peeling, and I could cast aguamenti in the middle of the flat and hit every corner of it. There was an old, lumpy, patched sofa in the living room, and in the tiny bedroom, I could see a mattress lying on the floor. There were a few things here and there, with what must have been fifty books, but it didn’t look like someone lived there.

“I bought this right after I left,� Al said, looking embarrassed.

“It’s okay. You don’t need to explain to me,� I told him, and he smiled. It was another genuine one. I came to the conclusion he’d smiled more today than in the fifteen years I’d known him.

“So, do you happen to have a box handy?� Al asked, and I shook my head.

“Just Transfigure something you don’t want into one, and then place an Undetectable Extension Charm on it,� I told him. Albus thought for a minute before he waved his wand at a rather ugly lamp. And with another wave, we were ready to move him out.

“I can’t believe I never thought of that,� I heard Albus mutter to himself. Typical Al. He might be a genius, but his common sense skills weren’t the best. Laughing to myself, I started putting things in the box, until Albus’s lips met mine once more, his hands finding my hair. He pushed me against the wall, and it continued.

---

I was pretty sure I verbally sighed as I had to push Albus off once more. I hated doing it, but if we were going to actually finish unpacking the box, having got back to my-our-place, we couldn’t keep kissing. No matter how much I wanted to.

“You’re right,� Albus said, brushing himself off and reaching into the damned box once more. Albus was confusing normally, but now, in whatever relationship this was, it was even worse. There would be moments when he would just crash his lips onto mine, but immediately after he’d go back to the same calculative, slightly detached, state he was normally in.

Finally, after a few disagreements and a lot of kissing, all of Albus’s things had found a place. Even more books were stuffed on his already full bookshelf, and the sofa had been Transfigured by Albus into a nicer one. It seemed it had completely slipped Albus’s mind he could fix almost anything with magic.

Which is why, as Albus and I collapsed onto separate sofas, I ended up swearing profusely.

“What is it?� Albus asked, and I shook my head.

“I have to go and quit my job. I was supposed to be there an hour ago. This’ll be interesting,� I told him, and Al laughed.

“Just come back quick, all right?� he told me, before standing up and giving me a peck on the cheek.

“Fine,� I conceded, and Disapparated with a crack.

It was actually much easier than I thought. The bloke was nice about it; he told me it was fine, and that he was going to have to let someone go soon anyway. Then, thinking I should probably tell Lily, to stop her from worrying, I Apparated to her flat.

I knocked, and after a few seconds, Lily was at the door. She looked surprised to see me and was wearing a rather pretty floral-printed dress.

“If it’s a bad time,� I started, but Lily immediately waved it off. Louis was sitting in the living area, looking rather smart.

“Nah, it’s perfect timing. Gives us a reason to be late to Rosie’s engagement party,� she told me, grinning mischievously. Louis chuckled, and Lily straightened his tie. “Please tell me you quit that pub job,� she told me, frowning.

“Yes, I did. About five minutes ago, actually,� I told her, and I couldn’t keep the smile off my face.

“Someone’s happy,� Lily commented, giving me a sly look. I blushed. Lily giggled. “You’ve kissed someone!�

“Shut it,� I told her, knowing a blush was creeping up into my cheeks.

“Who was it?� she asked, her smile as wide as the moon. Louis was smiling, too, looking at the point of laughter as he watched his girlfriend bounce up and down like one of the children she taught.

“No one,� I told her, and she frowned. After staring at me for a while, she just shrugged.

“You’ll tell me eventually,� she settled with, before standing up. “And you can’t keep him waiting. Get out of here, Scorpius!� Lily exclaimed, the small red ringlet that wasn’t in her bun bouncing as she did.

I laughed and did as she said, but not before pulling her into a hug. “Good luck with Rose’s party,� I murmured. It was Lily’s turn to laugh.

“We’ll need it.� And with that, I disappeared, before reappearing in Albus and my flat. Seeing that I was smiling, Albus’s stressed face immediately relaxed, and he brushed my hair back. I felt electricity spark from the simple gesture, and Al’s hand lingered near my face. Until it found my neck.

What inevitably followed was pure bliss. It was perfection.

---

The next four months passed in a frenzied mess of work, worrying, and Albus. Al was perfect; I could tell he was almost ready to come back. But I didn’t want to ask him. I didn’t want to ruin it. The kisses on my neck after a long day, when I least expected it, the laughter, the feeling I got every time I saw him.

Albus was what was holding me together. Since the first day, it was my whispered ‘I love you’ every night that made the day a little brighter. When he returned the words, after three months, it made my heart soar. The rest of my life, however, was slowly falling down around me. Mum was getting worse every day; the Healers told me there wasn’t much time left. Lily was getting worried; she wanted to meet my ‘boyfriend’, and things weren’t going well with her family. Except Dominique and James, Lucy and Rose’s whispered insults seemed to indicate that the family thought Lily and Louis needed to break up. In my opinion, I think that, initially, they had thought it was just a phase. Lily and Louis were still going strong, though, but it was wearing them down. There were many times when I’d go over there and find Lily crying.

And she kept pressing me about my mystery boyfriend. I wanted so badly to tell her that it was Albus, because she had almost given up on him, too. She was slowly being crushed. I just wanted to take that weight off of her, and Albus was another person who agreed with Louis and Lily.

I should have known it would have come crashing down. After all, there was no happily ever after. There never was.

“You know, you should bring your boyfriend to the theater,� Lily commented one day as we sat in a café. It was my lunch break, and Lily had the day off, so we had met somewhere besides her flat.

“Lily, you’ll meet him eventually. He just works a lot and isn’t the most social. Also, he hasn’t really … outed himself,� I tried to explain, but Lily just smiled at me knowingly.

“I see. You’re coming, though, right?� she asked, sipping her tea. “I’ve been working on these costumes for months. And Louis’s finally got a lead role!�

“What play is this again?� I replied cheekily, warranting a slap from Lily. When they weren’t working or otherwise engaged, Lily and Louis had an unusual obsession with Muggle theatre. Lily generally designed the costumes for whatever play Louis was in currently. She didn’t have much time, but as soon as she had the design worked out, a few flicks of her wand could create it. I had to admit, Louis was an amazing actor. He usually only had small roles, though, because he was still gaining his footing in the business. Now, however, he had a lead. The lead, in fact. He was Henry in Henry V.

“Shut it, or one of these days, I’ll believe you,� Lily said irritably, but she was laughing.

“And of course I’ll come,� I added hastily, while Lily beamed. “I wouldn’t miss it, after all your harping.� She pretended to look offended, but honestly, she was too happy. I hadn’t seen her like this in a while.

“Opening night is Friday. I’ll get you two tickets, just in case he changes his mind,� Lily said, still smiling.

“Why are you so happy?� I asked, and Lily looked down. She was blushing, something she didn’t do much. “What happened?�

“We had a family dinner last night. Me and Louis, Mum and Dad, and James and Aria and Jace. It was really nice; no one fought. James and Aria even want to go to see Louis in the play,� she explained.

“Why does that make you blush, again?� I asked, slightly confused.

“Dad said they might have a lead on where Al went. He wouldn’t say what about, but he sounded really hopeful. And then, well, it was a good night,� she admitted, and I caught on to the reasoning behind her blush. I pretended to look abhorred, but then I tried to force a smile about the Al bit. I looked down, fingering the tablecloth.

“That’s great, Lily,� I managed to get out. In truth, my heart had plummeted into my stomach. I was worried for Albus; I had no idea whether or not he was ready. If he wasn’t … I couldn’t let what had happened last time happen again. Watching him slowly die inside. Not now.

“What time is it?� Lily asked, but I could tell my response hadn’t been convincing. I glanced down at my watch.

“Shit,� I said, quickly grabbing my bag. “I’m late. And tonight, I have to visit Mum,� I told her. “I’m sorry, Lily.� Then I shoved a few Sickles on the table before disappearing with a crack, appearing at the Ministry.

After another few hours of paperwork, a note from Lily, and one Crup that somehow managed to breathe fire, the office finally closed down for the day. I wasted no time making small talk; instead, I left to see my mum.

I didn’t even have to stop for the normal checks when I got to St. Mungo’s anymore. The Healers nodded at me but then left me be. I saw the pity in their eyes, though. Trying to ignore it, I put on a smile as I entered her room, conjuring some flowers to add to her collection from me.

“Hey, Mum,� I greeted quietly, pulling up my chair, squeezing her hand. As usual, there was only a weak squeeze in return. She couldn’t even speak anymore; it was only a matter of time before the disease shut her brain completely down. I’m sorry; it’s not a disease. It’s a fungus. A microscopic internal fungus that was slowly eating my mother. You have no idea how many times the Healers have corrected me countless times when I said it was a disease.

“Dad wanted to come today, but he had to work. Aunt Daphne will come again tomorrow, though, and she said that she’ll bring him along,� I told her softly, squeezing her hand again. What Aunt Daphne actually said was that she was going to drag ‘the sulky moron’ to see his own wife if she had to Stupefy and cart him down here herself’. I knew Aunt Daphne was only trying to lighten the mood slightly, but she was really agitated with Dad. As she had walked away, I heard her muttering about how he couldn’t leave everyone stranded again, that he couldn’t fall back into another depression. I had been slightly confused, but let it go.

The rest of the visit, I told her about work. She was so much worse today, though, that I couldn’t help the tears that splashed onto her bedsheet. I immediately worried that she had seen me cry, but I saw that she had fallen asleep once more. So I squeezed her hand once more before leaving. As I was about to leave the ward, a Healer stopped me.

“Scorpius Malfoy?� he asked, and I nodded numbly. “Could I talk to you for a minute? In my office?� I knew that was never a good sign, but I followed anyways. “There’s no easy way to tell you this, but the latest test results just came back on your mother, and it seems progression with the Scrofungulus is faster than we thought. We’re not sure if she’ll make it for another month. We’re trying everything we can to help your mother, but the fungus is progressing at an extremely fast rate.. I’m sorry.�

I didn’t know what to say, so I just left, biting my lip to try and keep myself from crying. I drew blood, but even then I was still gulping as I hurried back to the flat. I knew I couldn’t hold it in much longer. I didn’t say anything to Albus, who was covered in dirt and sprawled on the sofa, wincing and cursing his brother.

“Scorpius-� he started, his hand reaching out to touch me, to console me, to comfort me. It was what he always did when it had been a particularly bad visit. I couldn’t take it right now, though. I needed to be alone. I couldn’t do this right now.

I knew that he was just trying to help, but this wasn’t something he could understand. My mother could die any day now. There were so many things I had never told her. That I couldn’t tell her. I doubted Albus would be ready to tell anyone in a week. She didn’t even know I was gay.

Before I realized exactly what I was doing, hot water was pouring on my back. It was almost burning, but the pain felt good. My tears blended in with the other water as I tried to make sense of what was going to happen. I had no idea what I would do without her, as odd as it sounded. God, I remembered the day before my sixth year.

“Did you actually pack, or are you going to race upstairs and do it right now?� she had asked, as I scarfed down toast. She already knew the answer. Mum had let out a chuckle as I raced back up the stairs. After hurriedly shoving everything into my trunk, I had came back down. Dad was there, stabbing his fork moodily at his kippers.

“What did the kippers ever do to you?� Mum had asked airily, but raised an eyebrow at Dad. He started to mutter something about work, his parents, and something that sounded oddly like ‘the idiot Voldemort’.

“Well, at least one good thing happens today. We are finally going to be rid of this delinquent!� she had said in a mock whisper, causing Dad to chuckle. “That wasn’t so hard, was it?�

“It was agonizing,� he had responded dryly. “I think I might be dying.� Mum immediately slapped him upside the head.

“Are you done being a moron?� she had asked, and Dad had looked down, a slight red tinge in his pale cheeks.

“Yes, dear,� he muttered.

“Good.�

I never understood how she would do that. Dad could sulk for days on end, but one slap upside the head from her, along with some sharp comment, and it was over. I honestly almost laughed at the memory, until I remembered where Mum was now.

When I finally left the bedroom, Albus was waiting. He looked troubled as his eyes bored into a rather thick book, and his face immediately relaxed as I entered the room.

“I thought you were going to drown yourself or something,� he said, looking relieved. Normally, I would have laughed or even smiled. But I couldn’t bring myself to. “Shit. What happened?�

“My mum,� I managed to get out, finding the tears had returned and were choking me. “She has less than a week.� Immediately, Albus’s arms were around me, squeezing me in a hug. It was then I completely lost it. Albus sat me on the sofa, his hand rubbing circles on my back soothingly. He didn’t say a thing, and when I finally ran out of tears, Albus’s lips met mine. It was different than any other kiss. I could feel his sadness, his fear, but a slant of hope. It was his way of telling me all the things he couldn’t find the words to say.

I was filled with something other than crushing grief. The kiss, the simple kiss, had done more than any words or pity could. So as it intensified, as I felt Al’s problem, as I trailed kisses up his neck, neither of us let go. We couldn’t face reality. So we lost ourselves in the moment. In each other.

Hours later, everything came crashing back. We were lying in silence until Al turned to me. There were tears in his eyes.

“We’ll get through this. I love you, Scorpius,� he whispered, and I kissed him lightly. “Does your mum know …� I knew what he was saying.

“No. She doesn’t even know I’m gay,� I admitted, and Al breathed sharply.

“I’m sorry. I just can’t,� he told me. “I don’t know if I ever can.� I just nodded, trying to keep myself from crying again.

“Don’t you miss them?� I asked Albus, and he nodded. “Do you hate your job?� Again, Al nodded. “I don’t really understand.�

“There’s a reason I ran away from it all. I can’t deal with the pressure; I can’t go back to that,� he said sharply, and I kissed him to be sure he knew I understood.

“They might have learned, though,� I added, not letting the matter go. I couldn’t. I couldn’t let Mum die without knowing. But Albus wouldn’t let me tell her. It wasn’t like she was going to tell anyone. I understood where Al was coming from, though; he wanted to keep it a secret until he could tell his family. “Hell, James even named his kid Jonathan Albus.�

“He did?� Al asked, and I could see a tear run down his face. “No. I can’t. Not yet, anyway,� He got up to leave, and was almost out of the room when I stopped him.

“What about Lily?� I asked, and Al turned around, his face full of pain. “Are you really going to let her search for you the rest of her life? And for me to lie to her?�

“You’re right. But not now,� Albus said, walking back and giving me a light peck. “I can’t let this go on forever. Can’t you wait a little longer?�

Could my mum wait a little longer? No.

“Yes,� I replied, even though I felt hollow. I couldn’t push him, but I didn’t know how much longer I could keep this up. He had been there for me every night after visiting her, taking away some of the pain, and I couldn’t ask him for this. At the same time, though, I wanted to tell Mum. I needed to tell her.

For the rest of the week, Al and I hardly spoke. At first, he tried to get me to, but he gave up after I had stopped returning the kisses. I was torn up inside; Dad had finally gone to see Mum, but had locked himself in the study immediately afterwards. To say that he wasn’t dealing with it well was to be contending for the greatest understatement of the twenty-first century. He looked positively agonized, sitting there in the hospital room, trying to talk to his wife who didn’t even know he was there.

I knew that he couldn’t stand to see her like this; he couldn’t deal with the pain. But what I cared about was that him not being there before hurt her more. I needed to tell her. I couldn’t let her die without knowing.

So when I was making tea and Lily’s head appeared in the fireplace (Al was in the loo, thankfully) I had an idea.

“It’s opening night. Do you still want to go, or with your mum-� Lily started, biting her lip nervously. I walked over, forcing a smile. I couldn’t go back to the hospital today. It was too much.

“No. I’ll still go,� I promised her, but cursed when I remembered I hadn’t told Al about the play.

“I still have that extra ticket,� Lily practically sang, grinning. She wasn’t giving up. Suddenly, I had an idea.

“You know what? I’ll take it. We might not stick around for you two, though,� I said, and she grinned even wider.

“It doesn’t matter. Here they are,� she said quickly, handing them to me through the fire. I grabbed them. I heard the shower turn off, which meant that Al would be out here any minute.

“I have to go, Lily. I have some paperwork to do,� I told her hastily, but she just grinned coyly.

“Sure, Scorpius. If I see you tonight, remind me to tell you Dad’s lead on Al,� she said, before disappearing. Albus walked out of the bathroom, still drying his hair.

“Hey,� I said, and he looked surprised. “I forgot. I have tickets to the theater for tonight; do you want to go? Lily was supposed to, but she just cancelled, and we haven’t had a date in a while,� I lied. He needed to see Lily, because, honestly, if the trail her father was following was true, the reunion was going to happen sooner rather than later. And then I could tell Mum.

“’Course. What play is it?� Albus agreed immediately, looking excited.

“Henry V. It’s Muggle,� I said. “You know Lily.� Al just nodded, rolling his eyes.

My heart beat in my ears. Would this actually work?

---

“Wow,� Albus said as we exited the theater. “I could have sworn I recognized Henry ...� There was an edge to his voice that made my heart jump with nervousness. We had ended up running late, so we hadn’t had time to get programs, but Albus had had an odd look on his face the entire play. I was almost positive he had recognized Louis.

Just as we were in the lobby, I spotted Louis, Lily on his arm. I looked at Albus; his face was deathly pale, and I knew his suspicions were confirmed.

“I can’t believe you,� he muttered, storming away. Lily saw me and waved, but I just shook my head. She frowned slightly, but I couldn’t worry about that. Al was nowhere to be seen.

What had I done?

Finishing my story, I looked around Lily’s flat. I couldn’t bring myself to look at her, to tell her what I had done.

“I didn’t even see you there,� Lily said, her brow creased. “I was wondering where you were. What happened next?�

“When I got back to the flat, he was there. We … we had a huge fight,� I said, looking into my empty mug. “I tried to explain, but I really messed up, Lily. He’s gone,� I managed to get out through the tears I was choking back. “I’m sorry.�

“Oh, Scorpius,� Lily sighed, and I felt her arms wrap around me. The next time she spoke, her voice was little more than a whisper. “Do you think he’ll still go to work on Monday? At James’s?�

“I don’t know, Lily. I honestly don’t. He might think that I haven’t told you and think it’ll still be fine. On the other hand …� I trailed off, and Lily’s face paled. “I’m sorry.�

She just shook her head. “He wasn’t ready. You said it yourself. It wasn’t meant to be this time. He’ll come back eventually,� Lily said, but by the end, I was sure she wasn’t even convincing herself. “Right?� A tear. “Right?� Three tears. “He has to come back eventually….� Now, Lily was really sobbing.

Murmuring meaningless words, I rubbed circles on her back, trying to calm her down. After a while, Louis came out of the bedroom.

“What happened?� he asked immediately, rushing over. I couldn’t face him, too.

“I should go,� I muttered, and Louis quickly took my place. Biting back another round of tears, I quietly apparated back to my flat. Despite knowing I was only deluding myself, I couldn’t help but hope that, somehow, Albus was there.

Like I said, I was only deluding myself.

I wanted so badly just to apologize, to explain. I was desperate; I still was, but, God, I had hoped that he was just nervous and was overthinking going back. He was so much better; he was happy. I knew he could handle it all again. I knew it. And I needed to be able to tell Mum.

Why couldn’t he understand that? She was dying. I didn’t understand; she wouldn’t tell anyone, and I needed her to know. Why was he acting like this? It wouldn’t affect him in any way. Of course I would make sure no Healers were listening, and no one would know. Didn’t he understand that it was something I needed to do?

As the hours passed, with nothing for company but my beer bottle, I realized just how badly I had seriously screwed this up. My first mistake: going behind Albus’s back. He hated liars. My second: trying to force him to go back. If you told him to do something in that way, Albus generally went and did the opposite. And, last but not least, my third and worst mistake: letting him walk away.

What the hell had I been thinking? Not only had I managed to offend Al in virtually every way possible, I also managed to chase away the only thing that made this slightly bearable. No, both. I lost him, yes, but I also lost Lily.

She would never forgive me. Honestly, I would never forgive me. This was definitely my biggest screw up to date. The only thing that could make this better would be telling Dad I was gay, or …

No. Mum wasn’t going to die. She just couldn’t. There was going to be some miracle; a Healer would contact me any minute to tell me she had miraculously beat the disease. Fungus.

But no such news came. Saturday came and went, with just me and my beer. My beer and I, a snide little voice reminded me. As you expected, I promptly told the voice to shut it. Of course it didn’t listen. It kept on reminding me about how I should be spending this time with my mother, not sulking at home, and how I had gone to a ruddy play instead of being with her. I couldn’t bring myself to get up, though, and see her. I had no idea why, but I felt horrible.

I kept vigil, never leaving the sofa unless to get another beer. No word from the Healers, and no word from Al. I vaguely remembered screaming at the fireplace that I was sorry, and that I loved Albus, before I slipped into blissful unconsciousness.

When I woke, the small clock said that it was 1:43 p.m. There was a face in the fireplace. No, it wasn’t Albus.

“Scorpius?� the head asked, who turned out to be Aunt Daphne. I ignored the pounding headache and the fact that the fireplace was too bright, and nodded. “You need to get to St. Mungo’s. Now.� Her voice was frantic, and I just nodded numbly. “On second thought, you might want to change first.� I immediately regretted the thought that ran through my head.

Well, this was the icing on the cake.

---

“Dad?� I asked, as I rushed into Mum’s room. He looked up. “You’re here?� I would love to say that my voice was bitter and hard, but it was more of a croak.

“Hello, Scorpius,� he greeted, his eyes tired. I wondered when the last time he slept was. It looked like it had been for a few days, at least.

“How is Mum?� I asked Aunt Daphne. I was going to ignore Dad; yes, this was shitty for him, but it was the worst for Mum. My stomach was plotting a mutiny while my head was splitting into two.

“Not good,� she admitted, biting her lip. I saw her eyes were wet. “They said … they said …� But then Aunt Daphne broke down.

“Your mother is dying, Scorpius,� Dad explained, not looking up. His hand was clutching hers, but my mother’s was limp and lifeless. Her eyes were closed.

I tried to act like I didn’t know this from before. “No,� I said, shaking my head. There were no tears threatening to spill out; in fact, I didn’t feel a thing. “She can’t be.� I started to back out of the room, but Dad just nodded sadly.

“She is,� he said, and yet I shook my head. “You need to accept it. She won’t be in pain, Scorpius. She’ll be in a much better place.�

“Like you can talk about accepting it?� I shot back bitterly. “You didn’t go and see her for months.�

“I know it was wrong, Scorpius-“ he started to explain, his voice patronizing.

“Yes, it was. She needed you; she was counting on you. And you just hid in your little study and let her suffer,� I told him, my voice made of acid and ice. “You shouldn’t have left her alone like that. I don’t care what you were feeling; it wasn’t about you. It was about Mum.�

“Scorpius, take a walk,� Dad ordered, and I let out a breath. The rage was slowly fading away, and was replaced with more regret. But I wasn’t going to leave her. I wasn’t going to leave Mum.

“No,� I said. “I’m not leaving Mum.�

“Scorpius, I know you. You need to calm down,� he said with deliberate evenness, now standing up and facing me. I was taller than him, just. But when I heard his cold, emotionless voice, something snapped. This wasn’t anger anymore. It was too strong.

“You don’t know me,� I all but snarled, and he took an involuntary step back. He recovered quickly, though.

“Yes, I do,� he replied, his voice still deathly quiet.

“No, you don’t. I’ll take the ruddy walk,� I told him, and walked out of the room. When I was at the door, though, I turned around for a split second. “Oh, and by the way, I have a boyfriend.� Taking one satisfying look at my father’s shocked face, I stormed out.

I could feel whatever had made me so damn angry back there leave, and I felt worse than ever. I hadn’t meant to tell him that I was gay, and I didn’t even have a boyfriend anymore. It was an accident; I hadn’t meant to yell at him, either, or to completely lose it in general. So by the time I realized that I was still walking, I had no idea where I was.

Seriously, they needed to put some maps in this place. It was a labyrinth. A white, overly-sanitized maze. Anyway, I was lost. So, instead of doing the normal, sane thing (like asking a Healer), sunk down into a pathetic crouch against the wall.

“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit,� I muttered, putting my head in my heads.

“Excuse me, sir, but you can’t sit there,� a female voice said, and I saw the green scrubs of a Healer. I would recognize that voice anywhere. Of course, everything was biting me in the arse, so she would be the one to find me. “Scorpius?� Now, the voice was stunned. I looked up.

“Hi, Rose,� I greeted weakly. I could visibly see the shock on her face. I could imagine why; I hadn’t seen her out of the occasional Weasley-Potter family event I went to since Hogwarts. For good reason.

“What are you doing here?� she asked, struggling to regain her composure.

“Here, as in, in …� I started to trail off.

“Spell Damage,� Rose supplied immediately.

“All right, then. Here as in Spell Damage or here as in St. Mungo’s?� I asked, and Rose chuckled.

“I guess either,� she said quietly. I was taken off guard. Why wasn’t she screaming at me? Granted, I was glad, because my head was still throbbing, but after sixth year, she had stayed the hell away. I would have, too.

“Why I’m in Spell Damage, I have no clue. Why I’m in St. Mungo’s? It’s personal,� I responded mechanically.

“Well, where do you need to go?� she asked, biting her lip. I knew she was trying to think of a way to release the tension.

“Erm, Magical Bugs and Diseases,� I said, and Rose’s face lit up.

“I’m going there myself. Can I walk you up?� she offered, and I forced a smile.

“That would be great,� I said, and I stood up. We walked in an awkward silence. Rose and Albus had drifted apart at Hogwarts. Al had always said she had joined ‘the army of pink’, but she was different now. Less make-up. Eventually, after a million corridors and one awkward elevator ride, I recognized where I was.

“Thanks,� I said, and she smiled sadly.

“No problem,� she replied quickly, and I turned to walk away. “Wait,� she said. I turned around, confused. “I know this is really stupid, but … I just wanted to say that I’m sorry.�

“Me, too, Rose,� I said, and I really meant it. She had no idea what I was apologizing for. “You’re an amazing girl. Let me know when the right bloke realizes it.� Rose smiled slightly, looking down.

During sixth year, she had thought that boy was me. I had thought I loved her, but, well, I then discovered that it didn’t feel quite right. Our split was messy, full of curses and screaming. I didn’t think Hugo Weasley would ever forgive me for treating his sister so badly.

“See you, Scorpius,� Rose said, smiling, and I walked back to the room. When I entered, Dad immediately stood up.

“I’m sorry,� I blurted out, and I was surprised to hear that he said the same thing. I felt a slight sting on the back of my head; it was Aunt Daphne. She had slapped us both upside the head. After that, we all just sat there in silence. Dad clutched Mum’s hand, and I lost myself in memories. After about fifteen minutes, Dad tore his eyes from Mum to look at me.

“Was … was what you said true?� he asked, his voice a hoarse whisper. I felt my breath leave me. I had forgotten that I had told him.

“Yeah,� I replied, my voice cracking. Dad just nodded, but it was a better reaction that what I had hoped for.

“We’ll talk about this later. It isn’t the right time,� he replied, and it was my turn to nod. And then we resumed our vigil. It lasted for a few hours, and Dad refused to leave Mum’s side. His sudden loyalty astounded me, but I couldn’t bring myself to be mad at him.

So, when I realized that Dad wasn’t going to leave, even to eat, I knew I would have to bring food to him. Which was why I ended up in the cafeteria, facing yet another person I had hurt. Guilt resumed his chokehold on me, and our last encounter flooded my brain.

“Lily?� I asked, my voice a hoarse whisper. I could see even from behind her that her hands were curled around a mug. When I rushed over, I saw that there were tears in her eyes. “Lily, what happened? Is it Louis?� Lily just shook her head.

“No. It’s not any of them,� she replied, her voice almost nonexistent.

“Who is it?� I asked urgently.

“I … I finally found Albus,� she said. I couldn’t help but widen my eyes. “After he almost died.� Her voice was as cold as ice.

“What?� I asked. Any breath I had was gone. “No.� What had happened? How did this happen?

“Just go, Scorpius. You’ve messed with his life enough. He doesn’t need to deal with what happened on top of this,� she said, and I just nodded numbly. “But what are you doing here, anyway?�

“My mum’s dying,� I said, before turning around and walking away. Now, the tears spilt over. What if he had died? I would never have been able to apologize, to try to explain what had happened. I loved him; he knew that, didn’t he? But love couldn’t fix everything. It didn’t fix Mum or Dad. It couldn’t undo what I had done.

I had truly lost him. And I had lost Lily. Even after what the Healers told me, in the back of my mind, I couldn’t help but wish for a miracle for Mum. If I lost her, I had no idea what I’d do. When I got back to Mum’s ward, however, I knew that, even if I had actually got food, he wouldn’t have eaten it. It was too close to the end. We all knew it, though we tried to deny it inside.

Slowly, my Mum’s breaths became slower and slower, and the monitor that measured her heartbeat beeped slower as well. I prayed and prayed that somehow the rate would suddenly speed up, that she would be fine, but I heard the monitor stop.

It didn’t register what that meant with me for a minute. My mother’s death was that simple, that quiet? Then, it hit me. My mother was dead.

I heard Dad start to sob, but that seemed like a million miles away. I buried my head in my hands, not even trying to choke back the tears. There was nothing left.

I was numb.

I had no idea of time passing; I just knew it must have been a while. I went to work, ate, and slept, but other than that, I had no idea what else. Dad came over a bit, tried to talk about Mum and stuff. I mostly shrugged it off, not really talking. I couldn’t bring myself to do much else. Ever since Mum’s funeral, I hadn’t felt like doing much of anything. I had taken a short compassionate leave, but I had to go back. I just couldn’t afford not to work.

The papers had heralded the return of Harry Potter’s middle child, and he was back to working as an Unspeakable. His hair was neatly trimmed, and he now had smart-looking glasses, too. He looked as if he hadn’t a care in the world. I had passed him in the Ministry a few times, mostly in a lift, but it felt as if there was an ocean between us. And each time, I felt a sharp pain in my chest. I didn’t say or do anything; I just let him go on with his life. I could feel the coldness of his gaze as I tried not to look at him. It made my breath disappear every time.

Lily still hadn’t spoken to me. I didn’t expect her to, but I missed her all the same. I missed how she would be some bloody optimistic, and her ability to make everything just seem … easier to bear. Now, there was nothing to do, no one to talk to. I was surrounded by what I knew was grief for my mother, and it was crushing me.

It was becoming harder and harder just to do the little things. I had to constantly remind myself: eat, Scorpius, now shower, now sleep, now go to work. People were starting to notice. Odd looks from coworkers, the constant feeling that people were staring at me. To be honest, I was this close to standing on my desk and screaming for people to mind their own bloody business.

“Malfoy, can I see you for a minute?� My head snapped up. It was the head of the department, Keane. Rubbing my eyes, which were blurring from staring at the report, I just nodded. Of course, everyone stared as we walked through the row of cubicles. I tried my best not to just snap and yell, but I kept my composure. When we reached his office, he gestured to the chair. I sat down, looking at the wood of his desk.

“Is something the matter, sir?� I asked, and Mr. Keane shook his head.

“It’s just that you seem a little … off, lately. Are you all right?� he asked, and I was confused. He was calling me into his office because he was worried about me? Mr. Keane was one of the most laid-back heads in the Ministry, yes, but I didn’t think he generally did something like this. There was the time where Maria was pregnant, but that was a different case.

“I’m fine,� I responded, after clearing my throat to disguise my slight chuckle. For some unknown reason, I found that really hilarious. I hadn’t laughed in ages, but not I was trying to not crack up.

“Are you sure? After you returned from compassionate leave, your work has been a little … less thorough lately as well. I know it’s a rough patch, and if you need to take some time off to collect your head, that’s okay,� Mr. Keane said, and I fought back a bitter laugh. Of course. This was going to be pity. I was done with pity. In all honesty, I didn’t deserve it. Dad, maybe, and definitely Mum, but not me.

“I’ll work harder, sir. And I’m fine. I have to get back to my report,� I said quickly before walking out of the office. For the rest of the day, I buried myself in my work, making sure to include every last detail. No one talked to me, not even Betsy from the cubicle next door, and for that, I was extremely grateful.

At the end of the day, I didn’t bother saying goodbye. I just stalked down to the fireplaces, and I was turning the corner when someone knocked into me. A million papers went flying and I found myself flat on my arse.

“Sorry, sorry,� I muttered, hastily trying to help whoever it was that I had ran into. When I had picked the ones that he hadn’t, I handed them to him, and then I saw who it was. This day was just getting better and better.

Immediately, I felt my face burn with embarrassment. So I just turned away, muttering one last ‘sorry’. I walked away; just before I entered the fire, however, I glanced back and saw Albus was still standing there. He looked like he wanted to say something, but I just disappeared. We lived in different worlds now. I knew that.

There were so many things I wanted to say, that I should have said, but I just shoved the thoughts down. I couldn’t deal with Albus on top of everything else. So, popping open a beer, I examined my wonderfully barren fridge and pantry. I discovered that I still had a few slices of bread, a knob of butter, and something that I thought was cheese.

Even the gooey sandwich, that usually fixed most things, couldn’t brighten anything slightly. So it was another night of staring at the fire, replaying everything that had gone wrong. I knew I should have gone to the shops, but I couldn’t bring myself to. My eyes found a mirror; I looked like hell. There were deep circles under my eyes, and it looked like I hadn’t combed my hair in days. My shirt was wrinkled and I had forgotten to shave. Again.

No wonder people were worried. If I were them, I would have either wanted to hug me or run away screaming. I had the ‘serial killer’ look going, but it was lessened by the deadness in my eyes. I looked like shit.

Yet I didn’t care. There was nothing left to really care for. I lost Al, I lost Lily, and I lost Mum. They were all I had.

“No,� I growled at myself. Something was different; something had changed. “It’s been a month. You are going to cowboy up. You can’t keep sulking.� So, trying to look somewhat human, I headed out to the only place I knew. The bar.

Because, hell, I’d rather hang out with a couple of a beers than people. People either argued with you, hurt you, or you hurt them. It was a fact of life. And, as far as I knew, the beer wouldn’t argue with me. I sure as hell hoped they wouldn’t. That was how I ended up at the same bar I had met, or, should I say, re-met, Al in. Jack wasn’t there, thank Merlin, and I sat at my stool, nursing my fourth beer.

After a while (I wasn’t sure how long), everything started to seem funny. I thought it was bloody hilarious how Al and I had basically reversed roles. He was the happy one with a perfect family, and I was sitting here drowning myself in beer alone. Feeling happier than I had in a while, I somehow managed to end up back at my flat. Everything was slightly hazy, but hell, that was funny, too.

It was bloody hilarious.

I opened the door, finding that the floor was shifting slightly.

“Hello, there! I’m home!� I called, knowing full well that no one was there. I burst out laughing, going to collapse on the couch, not being able to face the bedroom. There were too many memories. You could imagine my surprise when I found it was already occupied. And that was incredibly funny.

---

When I opened my eyes, I found I had a smashing headache. Brilliant. Sitting up, I realized I was on the sofa, but I smelt something … good. Someone was cooking. What the hell?

When I sat up, I saw it was Lily. What in the name of Merlin’s pink knickers had happened last night?

“Oh, you’re up,� she said, only adding to my confusion. She hated me. What was she doing here?

“The hell?� I muttered, standing up. I was seriously confused.

“Your flat is disgusting, by the way,� she said, setting two plates of what looked like eggs on the table. Immediately, I bolted to the loo, retching up whatever it was that I had ate last night. When I returned, Lily only raised an eyebrow.

“Serves you right, you know. You were plastered last night,� she said.

“What are you doing here?� I asked, not able to take it any longer. She hated me. Why was she here?

“Well, I heard about your little encounter with Albus yesterday. Seemed to think something was really wrong. I came over to see if it was true, and I found that you weren’t there. When you came back, you were completely wasted. So, naturally, I’m a little worried,� Lily explained dryly.

“Shit,� I muttered, as I remembered most of last night. I believe I had explained exactly what I had been thinking to Lily. I mentally made a pact never to get drunk again.

“I learned a lot, though. You’re a lot more open when you’re drunk,� Lily said, before touching my shoulder. “I’m sorry about your mum, Scorpius. And Al.�

“Thanks. Are you still mad?� I asked childishly. I couldn’t help it, it just poured out.

“No. A little annoyed, because you went about it the wrong way, but after last night … you scared me, Scorpius. I know I shouldn’t have punished you; you had that covered yourself,� she apologized.

“I’m sorry for royally screwing everything up,� I said. “How are you?�

“I’m glad to have Al back,� Lily admitted. “Everyone seems a little happier. Albus loves Jace. Almost killed James for making his middle name Al, though.�

“That’s great,� I said, and I actually meant it. It still hurt.

“He’s sorry, too, Scorpius. And he really wants to talk,� Lily said, taking my hand. I just nodded.

“Does … does your family know?� I asked, my voice a whisper. I would die of embarrassment if they had.

“No,� Lily said hurriedly. “Albus would never do that.� I nodded, before sighing.

“How’s Louis?� I asked, and Lily laughed.

“He’s got another lead,� she said, beaming.

“I would expect him to. He’s brilliant. But not as great as the beautiful costumes,� I told her, and she blushed slightly.

“I have to go, but don’t be a stranger, Scorpius. It’ll get better.� I hugged her, thanking her for everything, and watched her go. Maybe Albus and I weren’t on different ends of the universe after all.

---

Things started to slowly get better for a while. Well, I didn’t get plastered, and Lily and I were back on speaking terms. I hadn’t seen Albus again, so the pain in my chest was slowly receding. I still missed Mum, but it was starting to get easier. Slowly.

I was sitting in a café, waiting for Lily, who had suddenly told me via my fireplace that morning to meet her here for lunch, when I realized something was off. Lily would be at school. I was about to leave, anticipating a set-up, but it was too late.

“Hey,� Albus said just as I stood up, and I forced a smile. I would murder Lily later. My breath had left my chest. Looking smart in a suit, his hair still unruly, was Albus. Yep. Lily was definitely in for it.

“Hey, Al,� I replied, sitting back down, my stomach already making knots of itself. “Did you know about this, or was it all Lily?�

“It was my idea, actually. We need to talk,� he said, and I looked down. My cheeks flushed with embarrassment, but it already felt as if a heavy weight was being lifted off my chest. The past month had been plagued with a million regrets. Now I could fix some of them.

“Yeah,� I said simply, letting out a shaky breath. “I’m sorry,� I blurted out. The rest of my words fell in a tangled mess, as I tried to explain what had been running through my head. At the end, Albus smiled.

“Why couldn’t you have just told me that, instead of going behind my back?� he asked, and I flushed again.

“I don’t know,� I said quietly. “I’m sorry.�

“I’m sorry, too. I was a bit of a prick, especially the last month,� he said, and his emerald eyes positively shimmered with sincerity.

“You had a right to,� I said. “You probably still hate me.�

“I’m sorry about your mum, Scorpius,� he said, and I just looked down. My breath was gone again. My stomach was fluttering, and I realized immediately why. It didn’t matter, though. He could never be that way with me again. I had completely destroyed his trust. “Scorpius, look at me.� His voice was commanding, and I did.

“I never hated you. I was hurt, yes, and angry. But, as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t hate you. I loved you too much,� Albus’s voice broke, but I couldn’t comprehend what he was saying. Albus never said anything like that. “I still do.�

With that, I felt like my world had shattered. Was there still a hope?

Then, he leaned in. His hand grasped mine, and I looked into his eyes. “I love you, too,� I whispered. Albus let out a deep breath. I didn’t realize I had been holding mine.

I could finally breathe.