It is a truth universally acknowledged that everyone has secrets. Some secrets we keep for the sake of others, whether it is because they confided in us or to protect them. Some secrets we keep to protect ourselves when we’ve done something wrong. There are secrets you have because there is simply no reason to tell them, those little things about you that no one knows simply because there is no reason for them to know or for you to bring it up, like me loving Muggle literature. Then there are those ones you keep because you have to. Those ones you hoard to keep the natural order of things, because if you let them out, your whole world is bound to crash down around you.

I have secrets that fall into each of those categories, but this is not about those secrets. This is about those secrets that you keep to yourself, because telling them to someone would mean it actually happened and force you to confront that secret. This is the story of how one small incident became something much bigger when I was finally forced to confront it.


Our family is close, closer than most; when we aren’t in school, we spent every other Sunday at Nana’s for Sunday dinner. Even Uncle Charlie is known to show up every once in a while. In the summer, we all spend two weeks at the lake. All the cousins are close, but none of the have relationships ever come close to the friendship between Louis and I.

Louis and I spend a lot less time together as kids than I did with Hugo. Louis is three years older than me, and we really only see each other at family dinners and vacations. Hugo and I are the same age and spent almost every day of our childhood together.

What resulted was that Hugo is like a third brother to me, while Louis has been my good friend since the time I was four and made him play dragon hunter with me.

But this isn’t that story either. How we became the way we were is a long story that doesn’t really matter. What matters is what happened when I was seventeen, the summer after I finished Hogwarts.

As is tradition, we had left for the two weeks at the lake. Hugo and I had finished school with fantastic marks, and we were both excited to start Healer training in autumn. I was also excited to be back at the lake. These two weeks were my favourite part of the year. There is nothing to worry about, the weather is gorgeous, and there were hours for me and Louis to hang out and do whatever we wanted. Often, we’d explore the coastline, looking for good places to swim or go hiking.

I was excited to see Louis again. The family hadn’t been together since Easter, and Louis hadn’t been there, as he had been in his final part of Unspeakable training. This meant that I hadn’t seen him in six months.

As usual, we were the first to arrive. I quickly unpacked my stuff and told my dad I was off for a walk. He just nodded; I’d been doing this every year since I was thirteen.

I walked out to the lake and began to walk the coastline. Six summers ago, Louis and I had found this little beach about two miles from where we stayed. The beach is surrounded by massive trees and ducks nested among them. It was the perfect beach, and when you were there at dawn, the sun rose from behind it, causing the lake to sparkle like liquid diamonds. At night, it was the perfect location for the sunset and star gazing.

Every year since we have found this beach, Louis and I walked there on the first day and waited there for the other person to show up. This meant that I was always waiting for Louis.

I was sitting by the edge of the water, watching some ducklings follow their mother around the coastline, when someone sat down beside me. We sat in silence until the ducklings swam out of sight.

Just after the last tiny feather had turned the corner, the person beside me turned to me. “Hey, Lilykins.�

I scowled. I hated that name and Louis knew it. I turned to tell him off, but the words died in my throat. The boy beside me was not what I expected. Sure, he sounded like Louis; he had blue eyes, blonde hair, and smiled like Louis, but he had changed in the last six months. Louis had always been tall and gangly, but the boy beside me was not. Gone was the boy Louis, instead I was being greeted by a tall, muscular man. His skin was darker, and he was all of a sudden much bigger.

I swallowed. “You know I hate that name.�

He smiled. “I know.� He pushed himself to his feet. “So are were going to sit here all day, or do you want to get in this water like we do every summer?�

I smiled. Even if he had changed physically this summer, he was the same Louis I had always known. He held out his hand to pull me up. I brushed my hands on my shorts. “I suppose we’ll just have to go swimming then.�

I slipped out of my tank top, but left on my shorts over my swimsuit; I hated swimming without shorts. I looked around for Louis and saw that he was already waist deep and waiting for me to come in. I gasped at what I saw. His chest was now chiselled and his abs were defined. The final six months of Unspeakable training had been kind to him.

After swimming, Louis and I lay on the sand, drying in the sun. We always “forgot� to bring towels on the first day, as was tradition.

“So, how was your last six months at Hogwarts?� Besides missing Easter, Louis’ last six months of Unspeakable training had left him unreachable.

“Stressful, with NEWTs and all. We won the Quidditch Cup, though. And I got accepted into Healer training.�

He smiled at me. “That’s great! How long is that? Four years?�

“Four years of school plus two years under a fully registered Healer,� I said.

“Wow,� Louis muttered. “I passed all my training. I’m now a fully registered Unspeakeable.�

I smiled. “That’s great!� We continued to lay in the sand, catching up on each other’s lives. Soon, the sun approached the tops of the trees.

“We’d better go for dinner,� Louis pointed out. We got out of the sand and pulled our shirts back on. It was as Louis was pulling on his shirt that I noticed something a girl should never notice about her cousin. Over the last six months, Louis had become very good-looking.

* * *

There are some secrets you keep because you are afraid of facing them. What I really wanted was some alone time to figure things out. I wanted to run and just avoid the feelings. Mostly, I just didn’t want to see Louis for a bit. Unfortunately, I couldn’t do any of that. Everyone expected Louis and I to spend all our time together. We sat by each other at meals and disappeared for hours at a time. It’s what we did, and if we didn’t, people would ask questions, and the secret would be out.

So I forced the thoughts out of my brain. When I got changed for supper and had the urge to put on a nice top, I threw on my old Quidditch training shirt. At the table, I tried very hard not to actually look Louis in the face. His sparkly blue eyes would have not helped matters in the slightest. Mostly, I tried to ignore the swooping sensation that occurred in my stomach whenever Louis touched my arm, which was often. He did it when he said he was proud of me for this year or when I said something funny. There were also the accidental hand brushes that happen when you’re right-handed and the person to your right is left-handed. I struggled to stay composed.

That’s how I acted all week. Whenever we were together, swimming, walking, talking, I tried my best to act normal. When we were with family, I stuck by his side, like I always did. But in both instances, I was always looking an inch too high and standing an extra step away. To the others, it wasn’t noticeable. I should have known it would never last.

It had been a week. No one knew, so my secret was safe. My actions had become habit, and I had almost convinced myself that those thoughts had never happened.

We were back at our beach, lying in the sand, having forgotten our towels once again. For once, I had my hair down (I usually wore it in messy bun, but it had been pulling all day). My hair was splayed out around my head, which was lying on my shirt. Louis and I were talking about something of little importance when Louis began to finger my hair.

“You’re hair has got so long, Lilykins.�

I jerked away. The swooping sensation was greater than ever. “I hate that name.�

As much as I loathed his nickname, I had never jerked away like that before.

“What, Lily, what’s going on?� Concern was evident in his voice.

“Nothing,� I snapped.

“Lily, stop.� He sat up and looked at me. “It’s not nothing. You’ve barely looked at me all week, and you won’t even walk beside me.�

It figured Louis, of all people, would notice. “I’m just tired, okay? I’m fine!� I got up, turned, and ran back into the lake.

Last year, I would have outrun Louis easily. This year, Louis caught up with me within a few seconds and grabbed my arm. A year ago, I would have also broken free. Now, no matter how much I pulled, I couldn’t.

He spun me around and titled my chin up so I had to look at him. I shut my eyes.

“Lily, look at me.� I shook my head. “Lily,� this time, his voice was softer. I opened my eyes. “Tell me what’s wrong.�

“No, no, no,� I cried. To my horror, there were tears rolling down my face.

Louis pulled me in. I rest my head against his chest and just cried as he stroked my hair.

Finally, I stopped crying and simply clung to him. He pushed me away gently and looked me in the eyes again. His sandy hair flopped into his eyes. “Lily, you need to tell me what’s wrong.� I shook my head again. “Then you need to tell someone, because this is eating you up.�

I realised then that this secret would consume me. Even having it buried deep would cause me pain.

“Louis, I...� I took a deep breath, “I think I like you.�

Louis smiled. “Well good, because I like you too.�

“No, Louis, I think I fancy you, like not in the way that cousins are supposed to.�

Louis looked me in the eyes then put his mouth next to my ear and whispered “Good, because I fancy you, too.�

He pulled me in again and I laid my head against his chest. Suddenly, a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. The secret I kept no longer threated to suffocate me.

Instead, it became the kind you keep to prevent the world from crashing down around you.