Chapter One - Awkward

"It's been six months you know."

James glared at his friend, but otherwise ignored him as he headed up the pavement toward a relatively nondescript building.

"And it's been six weeks since you saw her at St. Mungo's." Sirius paused. "You should stop brooding, stop waiting for an answer. Get out and live a little before it's too late, Prongs."

This time James rolled his eyes at his friend's moody advice. But Sirius persisted, touching his arm and forcing him to stop before they entered the building.

"James, she's not interested. She's just not the one."

James finally turned, his muscles tense as he tried not to lash out at his friend; it wasn't his fault, not really. Sirius was just telling him the truth, as straight and honest as usual. "Don't you think I know all that?" he said. "Don't you think I know exactly how long it's been since I saw her, since I kissed her? Don't you think that every day I tell myself the same things?"

Sirius did not respond, struck silent by the blunt force of his friend's bitter words. Even James could hear the deep hurt and anger in them, and he took a slow breath to let it pass before he continued walking.

"Look, I'll give your bird a go. Really. Just give me another week or two." They stopped in front of the small flat that was their meeting place for the Order. Sirius gave the password that would let them in, and James lowered his voice as he continued. "It's just that it's almost Valentine's Day and I've got a lot of other things on my--"

He stopped short in his tracks as soon as he entered the flat and felt his heart almost stop in his chest. Lily Evans was sitting in a chair on the other side of the room, deep in conversation with Remus Lupin and Caradoc Dearborn.

"What the hell, Prongs?" Sirius asked, and then stepped around him. "Oh."

Remus saw them standing in the doorway and stood to join them as Lily gave him a small smile, obviously aware of the awkwardness of the situation. James turned away, his face burning, though he could not pinpoint what he felt more: anger, disappointment, or even longing.

"What the hell is she doing here?" he grumbled as Remus joined them. He hurried toward the sofa on the other side of the room, avoiding looking his friends in the eye.

"Apparently she wants to join the Order," Remus replied with a shrug. "Seeing as it's going pretty badly out there, we could use a good witch like her."

James gave him a slightly incredulous look. "She could get hurt, get killed!" he exclaimed as he shook his head, hating to even articulate the thought. "Why would she want to risk that?"

"We could be killed too," Remus pointed out. "Why do we risk it?"

James simply rolled his eyes, apparently his response of choice that night.

"Exactly," said Remus, although James didn't know what he had said that had Remus agreeing with him. "We're here to fight back. Don't forget--Lily's a Muggle-born. I think she's starting to feel it, so she has every right to be a part of this."

James felt his face cloud at the very thought of someone threatening her. He wasn't with her--hadn't been with her since they'd left Hogwarts--but he still couldn't stand the idea of something happening to her. Remus was watching him closely, though, so he composed himself as best as he could.

"So why is she with Caradoc?" he asked, trying not to sound interested or upset. He could tell from the exasperated look on Sirius's face that he had failed.

The corners of Remus's mouth tugged upwards ever so slightly, and James scowled. "Apparently he talked her into it," said Remus, wiping his face clean.

"And how did they happen to hook up?" James asked. "He's almost ten years older than her!"

Now it was Sirius's turn to roll his eyes. "He was only five years above us in school, Prongs. And you know he's a perfectly decent bloke."

"They met at St Mungo's," said Remus. "But they haven't hooked up, as you so eloquently put it. His father was injured and Lily has been helping with his recovery. I believe he's actually seeing someone else."

"Dorcas?" asked Sirius, sounding curious.

Remus coughed and leaned in as if he didn't want to be caught gossiping. "I thought her brother?"

Sirius burst out laughing. "Of course. I like Evans, but why couldn't he recruit Adriam too? He's almost bigger than two of us combined."

"That's why he's such a brilliant Keeper," murmured James, only half listening now as he watched Lily across the room. She was listening to Alice Longbottom, her green eyes intent, her red hair tied back in a loose knot at the nape of her neck. Once again she caught his glance and smiled at him, but he turned back to his friends.

"And he's connected," Remus was saying. "I'd guess half the information Caradoc brings us is actually from the Falcons changing room."

"Really?" asked Sirius. "That's not why, is it? I mean, Caradoc doesn't seem like the type to shag someone for information."

James turned and gave Sirius a skeptical look. "You have."

"That was different," Sirius said, sounding defensive, yet with a hint of a grin tugging at his mouth.

"How?" asked Remus. "I've often wondered how you pulled that off."

"She was one of them, for one," said Sirius. "And we needed to know what was going down on Christmas."

"Don't remind me about Christmas," James stated. "I don't want to even think about it."

"And it always comes back to Evans," Sirius said to Remus.

"Or the trap where I got hit with three Stunners," James snapped back, although Sirius was right: it was about Lily.

"You'll have to talk to her at some point," Remus said, sounding only slightly more sympathetic than Sirius. "I can't imagine this is easy for her."

"It's not easy for me either," James said.

"Honestly, James--you've been in the Order for months," Sirius said, sounding more pragmatic than usual. "She hasn't. It's a big decision, a big responsibility. Put aside the other stuff for now because we have a war to win."

"I couldn't have said it better myself," growled a voice behind them. Alastor Moody stumped by, his magical eye revolving eerily in its socket. "Worry about your personal problems letter, Potter. We've got things to do, like start this meeting, for one."

James looked away, his face flaming in embarrassment. When he glanced back, Lily was watching him curiously. 'You all right?' she mouthed at him. He gave a curt nod and focused on Moody in the center of the room.

"Dumbledore is at the Ministry," Moody said when he had everyone's attention. "Late night session of the Wizengamot. They're trying their damnedest to keep some semblance of order, but obviously failing miserably. So you're stuck with me. Let's hear what you've got."

He went around the room, checking in with various Order members who reported on what rumors they had heard regarding Voldemort and Death Eater activity, whether on assignment or as part of their regular job. Mostly it was the same as it was every fortnight that they met: more attacks on Muggles, with more and more disappearances within the wizarding community as those who tried to stand up to them met with unknown fates.

A Muggle couple had been brutally attacked in Brockworth, but Frank and Alice Longbottom had managed to intercept the assault and save them, though the masked culprits had escaped. Unfortunately, Benjy Fenwick and Fabian Prewett had arrived too late to save an entire family of wizards from being slaughtered in their own house, arriving only to find the Dark Mark hanging grimly in the night sky.

Eventually James stopped listening to the bleak news and let his gaze settle on Lily, his mind wandering. The idea of having to work side by side with her again, after all they had been through, was unsettling. It had taken them long enough to figure things out as Head Boy and Head Girl their seventh year at Hogwarts; now they would have to move on from their failed romantic relationship and try to find new ground, something James wasn't sure he could do. He had proposed, after all--and she had said no. It was hard to move on after something like that, even so many months later.

Oh, he understood why she had said no, why she had ended it: it had been too much, too fast, too soon. Maybe he should have waited, but it had just felt so right. He had carried the ring for weeks before he had finally offered it to her on the last day of school; he had carried it for months afterward, when she had not accepted it, sadly laying her hand on his cheek as she walked away.

He had just put it back in his dresser when he had been hit by three Stunners on Christmas Day, and Lily had been the Healer-in-training on duty that night. Seeing her had brought it all flooding back, and he had not only asked her for another chance, but he had kissed her.

That had been over six weeks ago, and he had not heard from her since. Sirius was right: he had to move on--really move on--but now he felt just as confused as ever. There she was, sitting across from him, listening closely as Moody began to go over the Order's plans for the next fortnight. He vaguely heard his name, but didn't listen closely enough, and before he knew it, everyone was standing and heading out, either on assignment or for home.

"Did you hear a word of any of that?" Sirius asked. "Or were you too busy staring at Evans?"

James shrugged, guilty as charged, then stood and started toward the door, determined to escape before he had to actually talk to her. Seeing her again had brought forth too many feelings, feelings he didn't want to deal with at that moment, not when there were so many other people around and so many other things to worry about. But she caught up to him, and he felt her light touch on his elbow.

"James?" she asked, and he took a deep breath before he turned around. He wanted to smile--he really did--but he kept his face composed and simply nodded instead.

"Hey Evans," he said, and he could have kicked himself when he saw the disappointed look on her face when he used her surname. "Fancy seeing you here." He could imagine Sirius rolling his eyes again behind him, and Remus shaking his head; it was exactly what he had said to her last time he had seen her, half delirious with pain at St. Mungo's. He felt rather than saw them both duck out the door, no doubt dreading how much of a fool he might make of himself this time.

"Yes, well..." She trailed off and smiled, but he knew her. She was faking it; his distant response had hurt her. "I had to. I can't stand what's happening now--what happened to Caradoc's father, how many people keep showing up at St. Mungo's half dead, how many have gone missing…" She left again, this time with a shrug. "I had to."

James nodded, the tiniest bit of pride warring in his chest with an almost paralyzing fear for her safety. He suddenly wanted to protect her more than anything, but she wasn't his to protect, wasn't his to even worry about, really.

And that's what hurt so much: he wanted to worry, to protect, because he wanted her. More than anything, and for forever, he wanted to be with Lily Evans.

But he wasn't.

"We could use you," James finally said, after an awkward silence that saw them both looking anywhere but at each other. "You were always good in a fight." She glanced up in surprise, and he couldn't help but grin. "At least, you had a good Stinging Hex, as I recall. I was on the receiving end more than once."

Her mouth curved up in a crooked grin. "I had a lot of practice with that particular one. There were some rather annoying gits in my year."

James couldn't resist stepping closer and gazing down at her; it was all he could do to stop himself taking her chin in his hands. "Jinxes and hexes don't always work against Death Eaters," he said, hearing the earnest warning in his voice. "You need to be careful."

She stared at him defiantly. "I can take care of myself, Potter. I think I proved that at Hogwarts."

He bit back a hot retort, stepping backward with his hands up in apology instead. "Then I'll see you around, Evans. Good luck." He turned and walked away, wanting more than anything to leave so he could either punch a hole in the wall back home or drown in a bottle of Firewhiskey at the Leaky Cauldron. Really, he'd likely do neither, and knowing that made him even more angry--at himself.

"James, wait," Lily called, and he turned around slowly, hoping no one was watching his reaction, his face. Not everyone knew their history, and he hoped to keep it that way.

"Yes?" he asked as she approached him again, a questioning but shy look on her face.

"How are you?" she asked, then coughed as if embarrassed "Your injuries, I mean…"

He raised an eyebrow. "I survived. I'm alive. I'm fine."

She nodded, and there was another uncomfortable silence between them. "Look, I need to catch up with Remus and Sirius, fill Pete in on what he missed." He gave her what he hoped was an apologetic look, but it was probably more impatient than anything.

"Right." Lily sighed. "James, I'm sorry about Christmas--" she started, and he waved her off.

"Don't be. It's not your fault I was hit with three Stunners."

She frowned and smiled at the same time. "That's not what I meant. I meant…well…"

"I know what you meant," James said, and instead of giving her an irritated or impatient look, he let his shoulder slump slightly in defeat. "And I'm sorry. I put you on the spot. And then I badgered you some more with the owls and the flowers and everything."

"Thank you for the flowers," she said softly, and she finally met his eyes. "They were lovely."

James shrugged. "I remembered that you liked daisies."

"You remembered my birthday," she returned. "You didn't have to do that."

"I wanted to." Again the awkward silence. He hated it. How could they have been so close a year ago? How could things have been so perfect that he was ready to spend his life with her, barely out of school and in the middle of a war?

How could things have changed so much?

She finally continued. "I'm sorry I didn't reply, didn't write, didn't--"

"Even visit me in my hospital room?" he asked, but he forced a lightness to his voice that was even more cutting, judging from the anguished look on her face. "I get it, I do. I shouldn't have asked again. You're not interested."

She was silent, which only confirmed his words and made his heart ache more. Before he broke down, or worse, he shook his head and moved to leave once more. But he did reach out to touch her cheek, however briefly.

"Be careful out there, Evans," he said softly. "Some lucky guy is waiting for a yes."

Her lips parted slightly and Merlin he wanted to kiss her, but he ducked his head instead and left the room, heading out into the cold night, alone.

* * *

He did not, however, wake up alone.

Hand sprawled over his head, James was shocked awake when he flung it to the side, only to hear a loud groan from beside him. It did not sound particularly feminine, and when he opened his eyes, he was even more stunned to see the blurry shape of Sirius, still dressed, halfway on the bed beside him. He was tempted to push him off.

"What the hell, Padfoot?" he said, rubbing his eyes groggily and stretching out his other hand for his glasses. He didn't find them, but he did find his wand, and simply Summoned them from wherever they had fallen. He was dismayed to see he wasn't nearly as clothed as Sirius, but instead shivering in his pants and a white t-shirt.

"Morning to you too," grumbled Sirius, stuffing a pillow over his head. "At least, I suspect that's what the light is for. Morning and all that." He rolled over with another groan.

"Why are you in my bed?" asked James, slowly sitting up until his head threatened to explode; he had to stop and put it in hands lest he vomited. He was beginning to guess why, though.

"I have no idea, Prongs," Sirius said from beneath the pillow. "But it's rather cozy. Much nicer than mine, maybe I'll bunk over here more often."

"First and last time, Padfoot," James replied, and then forced himself to his feet. The world spun and he swore as he crashed back to the bed. "What the hell did we do last night?"

"From the state of my stomach, I'd say we consumed vast amounts of alcohol. I remember Firewhiskey and mermaid gin and something rather fruity." Sirius took off the pillow and stared at the ceiling. "This might be the worst I have ever felt after a night out with you."

"Considering I just found you in my bed, I'd have to agree." James stood again, taking several deep breaths to steady himself. He began to slowly walk toward the chair where he had apparently discarded his shirt and trousers, then stopped and ran for the toilet instead.

His stomach did not want to get out of bed. It did not want to get dressed. It did, however, want to empty itself into the toilet very violently. He could hear Sirius laughing in the bedroom.

"That was me while you threw yourself into bed half naked," he called, and James could hear him moving around as his stomach protested once more. "It's worse when you fall asleep without getting it out, you know."

James sat back and wiped his mouth. Sirius was standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame. "Yes, it definitely is. Don't remind me. So how did we end up here? Where are the others?"

"I seem to recall…the Knight Bus?" Sirius slid down the wall and let his head fall to his knees. "Not sure where Remus and Pete ended up, but I do remember striking out with those girls."

"What girls?" asked James. He tried standing, and when his stomach didn't rebel again, he made his way to the sink and thoroughly cleaned his teeth. Sirius didn't answer; James poked him with his foot.

"What girls?" he asked again. All he remembered was meeting at the Leaky Cauldron and actually indulging in the drink he had craved…and then a quite a few more. Sirius had matched him shot for shot, even encouraging him when Remus and Pete had quit to…

"Ahhhh," said James, running a hand over his face as he suddenly remembered. "Those girls. Yeah, I think that's probably where Remus and Pete ended up."

Sirius looked up too quickly and groaned. "With them? What? How?"

"I remember you acting like complete prat," said James as he stepped over his friend and made his way toward the kitchen without bothering to get dressed. He wasn't hungry, but it seemed the natural thing to do. Even if he just made tea to settle his queasy stomach. Sirius followed him.

"I think I remember that part," said Sirius, throwing himself into a chair at the kitchen table. "Though I also remember you acting little better."

James shrugged and grinned. "I wasn't trying to score."

"You said you'd move on," Sirius pointed out.

"And I will," said James, placing two cups on the table for them. "But last night wasn't the night."

"Could've been great," Sirius lamented. "I can't believe Remus and Pete left with them instead."

"They deserve it," James laughed. "We were complete idiots."

"And now we're idiots with a hangover." Sirius toyed with a stack of napkins on the table. "What do you think Dumbledore will have us working on next? Moody send he'd send word today."

"Don't know," said James. "As long as I'm not with Evans, I'll do just about anything. Maybe sneak into some secret Death Eater lair and take out a few of the bastards myself."

Sirius gave him a skeptical look, and his voice was heavy with sarcasm. "Right. Because that's how the Order does things. And because Dumbledore will gladly appease your death wish."

"I don't have a death wish," said James, pouring them both some hot water. He sat down while the tea steeped. Sirius stood and prowled around the kitchen, apparently looking for some biscuits.

"I'd call drinking yourself unconscious a bit of a death wish," Sirius pointed out, his voice muffled from the pantry. "Or storming a fortress by yourself with nothing but a wand."

"They don't have fortresses," James laughed. It felt good to joke about it, even if Sirius was uncomfortably close to the truth. "And I wasn't trying to drink myself to death. Just oblivion."

"Then you succeeded," said a voice from the door. Peter stood there, shaking his head as he dusted a bit of light snow from his shoulders. "You were completely bladdered last night."

"Don't remind us," Sirius grumbled as he walked by with a tin, but he winked at James, obviously putting on an act. He frowned as he glanced at Peter. "Especially since you stole our birds."

Peter laughed. "We did not steal them! They thought you were both complete gorms, so we were lucky they even talked to us after you left."

"What did you end up doing?" James asked before Sirius could jump in and complain some more. He didn't really care about the girls, and he knew Sirius didn't either, and he didn't really feel like playing that they did.

Peter just shrugged. "We talked for a bit. Not sure if we'll see them again, but they were nice enough." He coughed. "Look, I'd love to go on about my personal life, but it's not all that, and Dumbledore has something he needs you to look into."

Sirius sat up straighter, and James leaned forward. "Brilliant. What is it?"

"Apparently Moody mentioned something about a new target last night? A Squib, Orsino--owns a restaurant?" Peter asked, and Sirius nodded, so he continued. "He wants you and Lily to check it out. Remus is already on something else. I'm sitting the Hag's Rest tonight to see if I hear anything else." He grimaced. "As if I didn't have enough of drunken prats at the Leaky last night."

"Hey!" said Sirius, but before he could go on, James interrupted him.

"Me and Lily?" he asked. "Or Sirius and Lily?"

Peter gave him a sympathetic look. "Remus told me about last night, but Dumbledore wants you on it. He seems to think the Head Boy and Head Girl would make a good team on this one. And not arouse suspicion poking around places as a couple."

James stood and stormed across the kitchen. "You've got to be joking." He practically threw his cup in the sink, and could feel Peter and Sirius exchanging glances behind his back. He turned and caught them at it. "Doesn't he know?"

Peter shrugged. "Of course he does. But you know Dumbledore--he has his reasons for everything. Sirius is off tonight. Apparently he's got big plans for you later in the week when the rest of us figure out what's actually going down--you get to stop it." Peter wiggled his eyebrows and Sirius grinned.

"Brilliant."

"No," said James, cutting them off. "Not brilliant. I'm not going on assignment with Evans. Sirius, switch with me. I want to storm the fortress, remember?"

Sirius held up his hands. "I'm not going against Dumbledore. You heard Wormy, he's got his reasons. Maybe he figures you two can work things out while you're trying to kill each other." He laughed, though it was a small laugh, and Peter joined him.

"That's not funny," James replied coldly. "I can't be with her--you saw us last night. It was deadly awkward."

Sirius stood and put his hand on James's shoulder. "I saw two people who went out with each other trying to talk after a long time apart. It was bound to be uncomfortable, especially when you still care."

James stared at him. "That's exactly why I can't work with her. I care about her too much."

"I know, Prongs," Sirius said, and his face was sad but set. "But sometimes we have to do things for the greater good. It's not about you and her now, it's about saving lives and bringing down this maniac. Together."

Peter was watching both of them, as if waiting for them to fight. James took a deep breath and sighed. "Fine. I'll try. But Merlin's pants, it won't be easy."

"It never is," Sirius said. "Especially with you two."

* * *

Chapter Two - Uncomfortable

They met outside the Leaky Cauldron, memories of their time together at Hogwarts flooding through him as soon as he saw her on the pavement. He couldn't believe he was going out to dinner with her, only it wasn't a date. They were there strictly as partners, as members of the Order of the Phoenix charged with gathering information that could protect any number of lives.

Dumbledore felt that Orsino's restaurant itself was the place for them to start. He had heard rumors of the owner, Giovanni Orsino, being targeted because he was a successful Squib who moved both in magical and non-magical circles. As a restaurant that catered to both Muggles and wizards equally, the entire establishment offered more than the perfect opportunity for a devastating hit on both worlds. Never mind that any other number of Order members could gather information together with far less uncomfortable history between them; apparently Dumbledore was determined to see them working together from the start.

Sirius was probably right: Dumbledore most likely wanted them to get past any awkwardness as quickly as possible so that they could move on and work together for the common good of the Order and the people they were trying to protect. James hated it when Dumbledore was right, but he had never been able to argue with his former headmaster and win; it was better to just go with whatever grand scheme Dumbledore had set in motion and learn whatever it was he was supposed to learn from it.

He just hoped that whatever lesson he learned this time didn't hurt as much as some of the ones he had learned in the past.

Lily was waiting for him, hands tucked into chocolate brown robes, red scarf and hat fending off the chill of a cold winter evening. Her cheeks were pink from the wind, and James wondered if she had been waiting long. She didn't seem to mind, however, for she smiled broadly when he finally arrived.

"You came," she said without preamble, and he thought she sounded relieved. "I wondered if you'd ask one of the others to come instead."

He gave her a very bland look in response, even though he was slightly embarrassed that she had guessed his thoughts so accurately. "Give me a bit of credit, Evans. I'm not scared of you."

"That's good," she replied, falling into step with him as they left wizarding London. "I wouldn't want for this to be uncomfortable." Orsino's Italian Restaurant was only a short walk away. It was a fairly upscale restaurant, well known and well liked, a place where both wizards and Muggles could go and enjoy the best of both worlds. Orsino might have been born a Squib, but after immigrating to London, he had quickly found himself settling into a successful role as a restaurateur who was now quite well known across cultural lines.

"Oh, it's uncomfortable," James replied with a small shrug. "But what can we do? If Dumbledore wants us to work together, then we work together."

"It will be nice to have a da…dinner together someplace that isn't Hogsmeade," she replied, and James was fairly certain she had almost slipped on the word 'date.' Surely she wasn't thinking of it that way? He wiped the thought from his mind and nodded; he couldn't even go there. It was hard enough already.

"Orsino's is a great place. I used to come here with my parents. Have you ever been?" She shook her head, and he grinned, knowing she would love it. As they walked up the short path to a set of revolving doors, he leaned close and boldly whispered, "It's much nicer than any date we had at the Three Broomsticks."

Lily shot him a quick look of surprise before she stepped inside and gazed around the restaurant, nodding in appreciation. The foyer was large and simply decorated in deep mauves and greens. It was open on either side to two large banquet rooms. On the left was a room that sparkled beneath a crystal chandelier, white tablecloths gleaming in the light; on the right aged oak tables stood bare beneath yellow sconces scattered throughout the room. The left-hand room featured muted murals of scenes from the Italian countryside adorning the walls; the room on the right was covered in ornate carvings of a large forest, a castle, and various animals, including some magical.

"It's lovely," said Lily, and she sounded delighted. "I'm so glad we're here." She stopped and her hand flew to her mouth. "Not that I'm glad something bad might happen, of course."

James agreed. "It's much better than hiding out under a cold wet bush in the middle of the night, trust me." He was just about to direct her toward the right when Orsino himself came bustling through two double doors at the back of the entryway. He stopped when he saw them, grinned broadly, and hurried over to greet them.

"James Potter, it's been a while. You've grown up quite a bit," he said, his voice a deep bass that resonated throughout the foyer. He clasped James's hand with an iron grip. "Does your father know you've gone and turned into a man?"

James laughed. "Yes, and I'm sure he's glad I'm not causing trouble anymore."

Orsino raised a thick black eyebrow. "I rather doubt that. He had more stories to tell about you and your friends than most of my customers combined. So where can I seat you? And how is Harrington? He hasn't been here in several months."

James inclined his head toward the right and followed Orsino into the darker dining room, known as the Oak Room. "He's doing all right, just slowing down a bit. I'll tell him you said to come by for a free plate of calamari."

Orsino laughed as he led them toward a table in the center of the room. "Absolutely. I would love to see him back. Now, how does this table suit you?"

James shot Lily a look, and she shook her head; it was an obvious a location for two people who would be spending several hours simply watching and listening to the tables around them. They were in agreement, then; her instincts were good. He stepped closer to Orsino and lowered his voice. "How about the back corner? We'd actually like to be able to keep an eye on things. Just in case."

Orsino narrowed his eyes but nodded. "I see. I'd ask what you are up too but I've heard the rumors myself."

James followed him to a table in the back. It allowed them to see all of their dining room and into the opposite one where Orsino tended to sit Muggles. James had often wondered if there was a subtle spell on the right dining room that encouraged Muggles to always request the Crystal Room as opposed to the Oak Room, but his father had told him that Muggles and wizards were welcome to sit wherever they liked; it just so happened most wizards chose the right, and most Muggles chose the left.

"Would you like to start with a glass of wine?" Orsino asked as they sat down. He poured them some water and set out their menus.

It was still early and the restaurant was only half filled, but James glanced around, noting who was where, trying to identify any known suspects or other potential dangers. He sized up the situation quickly, then shook his head at Orsino. "No, unfortunately not."

"Have to keep your wits about you, then," Orsino murmured.

"Something like that," James replied with a rueful smile; he would definitely prefer a glass of mead. "But I'd just like some Gillywater."

"And I'll have some hot chocolate," added Lily.

Orsino gave her a small bow and a roguish wink. "Anything you like, my lady. I will return with your drinks shortly."

Lily smiled as she watched him leave, then glanced at the menu. She leaned across the table, her eyes a bit wide. "This is expensive. Is the Order paying for us to sit here and enjoy this?"

James opened his mouth to reply, then closed it. Of course the Order wasn't paying, but he didn't want Lily to know that and figure out that he was, so he simply nodded. She continued.

"It's much better than the Hag's Rest, isn't it?" she said, looking around curiously. "I mean, I've never been there, but Remus said Peter has to go there fairly often to pick up information, and that it's not that much better than the Hog's Head."

"Oh, anything is better than the Hog's Head," James replied with a snort as he set down his menu. "The problem with the Hag's Rest is the people. Nasty crowd of sympathizers. I don't know how Pete stands it."

"Remus said he's good at just sort of blending in and listening, picking up on things." Lily said. She glanced down at the menu again and was quiet for a moment. "Is the chicken parmesan good?"

"Quite," said James. "It was my mum's favorite." He swallowed an unexpected lump in his throat. His mum had passed away over a year and a half ago, but sitting with Lily at one of him mum's favorite restaurants while she ordered one of his mum's favorite dishes suddenly brought back all sorts of memories and saddened him. He imagined her sitting across from him, his dad to the right, smiling and laughing, glasses clinking…

Lily reached out and touched his hand. "I'm sorry."

"Thanks, but it's okay. She really loved this place." James shook his head and pulled his hand away. "So really, I'm glad I get to show you. We just have to keep our eyes and ears open."

Lily nodded, placing her hands back in her lap. "Right. So tell me more about what we're here for."

"You probably know as much as I do--more if you were paying attention last night." He gave her a crooked grin. "I know Moody mentioned it, but I wasn't listening."

Lily raised her eyebrows at him. "Sounds just like Potions," she said, and they shared a laugh. "He said there have been rumors of an attack on either Orsino himself or the restaurant. He didn't say why, just that the Order would be looking into it."

"There never is a why," James replied absently as he glanced around the room again as another couple sat down nearby. "We'll be looking for any suspected Death Eaters, of course. Not that they would necessarily be involved, but they always bear closer surveillance." Lily nodded in understanding and he continued. "Also watch for anyone who glances around nervously, or anyone who seems to be meeting in secret with a lot of whispering. Anyone who just sends a warning down your spine, really."

"And what do we do?" Lily asked. "While we're watching and listening, I mean."

James shrugged. "We eat, we talk, and we just hope nothing goes wrong on our watch. Ever."

Lily raised an eyebrow at him. "We hope nothing goes wrong? What happened to the James Potter I knew at Hogwarts? The one who couldn't wait for adventure, for excitement--to run off and fight for the Order of the Phoenix?"

James was silent; he was saved from an answer when Orsino returned with their drinks and took their order. When the friendly owner had left, James scanned the room once more, mostly to avoid Lily's eye. But she didn't let it go.

"You didn't answer, you know," she pointed out as he took another sip of his drink, the bubbly taste of pomegranate mixed with a hint of vanilla filling his mouth. "Is it so bad, being in the Order?"

"No," he finally sighed. "But it's a lot harder than it looks. It's not always exciting and adventurous. It's dangerous."

She nodded. "Yes, I've seen plenty of you come through St. Mungo's to know that. You could have died at Christmas."

His eyes flew up from the table to meet hers, and she reached across the table to grasp his hand once more. Merlin, he wished she'd stop doing that, stop touching him. It was as if she were teasing him with her touch, even though he knew she was just offering her support.

"But you didn't. And I'll be fine, too, James," she said softly. "Honestly. You don't have to worry about me."

He just stared at her before he pulled his hand away again and gave her a forced grin. "Who said I was worried. You told me last night you can take care of yourself."

"Then stop acting so anxious," she admonished. "Relax."

Now it was his turn to raise a skeptical eyebrow. "This is not a job to relax on, Lily. People get hurt. I've seen people die."

"I know," she replied. "I've seen people die too. I didn't mean it like that." She paused, as if she were trying to find the words for what she wanted to say. "I just meant…I don't want it to be so difficult between us if we're going to be doing this. It sounds cliché, but I want to be friends. I really do."

She sounded so concerned, so sincere, that he knew then he would have to try harder to hide everything he was feeling inside. She was too good at reading him, at knowing exactly what he was thinking from just from a look or a touch, a laugh or a sigh. So he nodded and forced himself to smile, lower his shoulders, and relax. He was on duty, yes, but he was also having a nice dinner with someone he cared about, so he might as well try to enjoy it, even if it wasn't everything he wanted.

"Friends it is, then." He took another sip of his drink and mock-frowned. "So what do friends talk about at dinner while also watching for surreptitious Death Eater activity at an elegant restaurant in the heart of London?"

It had the effect he had hoped for, in that she laughed. And her laugh encouraged him and set him more at ease, until they were talking and laughing over warm bread and cheese, chicken and pasta and even dessert, almost as if they had no worries, no cares--no history between them.

It was one of the easiest assignments he'd had since joining the Order, and yet one of the most difficult.

* * *

Chapter Three - Still Uncomfortable

Since it would look suspicious if the same Order members ate there every night, Dumbledore assigned Jack and Marlene McKinnon to go to the restaurant the next day. After that several others took their turn, before James was assigned to go with Lily again and watch for any suspicious activity.

He thought about asking Remus to go this time, but he couldn't do that to her, not after already working with her once. It had actually turned out to be a nice evening. They had not seen or heard anything suspicious, and in the end, he had enjoyed spending time with her. The logical part of his brain knew it was ridiculous to let himself feel anything, but the rest of him still wanted to see her again, even if it was work, even if it was as friends.

And so they met at the Leaky Cauldron once more, walked the short distance to the restaurant, and surprised Orsino by coming back for another visit four days later. James could tell the Italian was starting to grow nervous with so many Order members in his establishment every night. As an old family friend, James finally reassured Orsino that they were there simply to watch and listen and hopefully stop anything before it happened; if it did, the rest of the Order would be there as fast as possible. They wanted to protect him and his customers.

Orsino seemed only slightly relieved. It was becoming more and more dangerous for Muggle-borns and Squibs, and even had there been no whisperings of a possible attack on Orsino or the restaurant, both would still be potential targets given their close ties to the Muggle community. James wondered if there were any sort of protective spells on the restaurant; Orsino could not have set them himself, but it was worth asking Dumbledore about if it hadn't been done already. It would protect both wizards and Muggles; then again, it might alert their enemies that they were onto them.

As they sat down in the back once more, Lily asked after his friends, and his father, and he asked after her family and her work. They talked a bit about the latest headlines in the Daily Prophet, the war and the difficult time the Wizengamot was having reacting to it, and a lot about the Order and all it was doing to stop Voldemort and his Death Eaters. James was surprised at how much more comfortable it was given that it was only their second assignment together, and he knew he had not buried his feelings completely. Yet he was able to push them far enough aside to act as if everything were almost normal, and they really were friends.

And since they saw nothing suspicious whatsoever, it almost felt like a date this time. Once again James paid and they left the restaurant, making their way back to the Leaky Cauldron and Diagon Alley together. Lily's flat was above an old bookshop at the far end of Diagon Alley--she said she had ultimately felt safer moving to the wizarding area with a friend from school rather than finding a place in Muggle London by herself--and James was going to meet Sirius at Headquarters, where he working as their contact point. James imagined they would likely end up at the Leaky again, though he had no desire to repeat his last trip there.

Too soon they were standing awkwardly at the doorway leading up to her flat. James couldn't help but think that if they were dating, he'd kiss her goodnight, she'd ask him in, and it would go from there. It would be so different than sneaking around Hogwarts. But they were not dating, and he had no idea what to even say; last time they had both Apparated home after a quick goodbye outside of the restaurant.

"How long do you think Dumbledore will have us doing this?" Lily asked, tucking a hair behind her ear. "Not that I don't like sitting around and enjoying good food, but it's been several days now with nothing."

"If Dumbledore thinks something is going to happen at Orsino's, then we could be eating there for a while," James replied. "Dumbledore knows what he's doing. He's got good people out there and if they've heard something, we have to make sure it doesn't happen."

Lily smiled. "Then I won't begrudge the dinner or the company, especially if it's always this easy. Thank you for dinner, James." He glanced up in surprise. "I'm not stupid, you know. I realize the Order doesn't have a coffer to draw on. Thank you for paying for us both. I'll get the next one."

"It's no big deal," he started. "I don't mind at all--"

"Really," she said, laying a hand on his arm, and he almost shivered from the warmth of her touch. "I want to. You've been really good about not letting this be uncomfortable. I appreciate it."

As he gazed down at into her green eyes, her hand still resting gently on his arm, he suddenly wanted to lean forward and kiss her more than anything else in the world at that moment. And if was almost as if the same thought had crossed her mind, because he saw her eyes widen slightly and her lips part, and he could have sworn one--or both--of them started to lean toward the other. Then he shook his head, knowing he could not go there, not again, not after being so completely rejected at Christmas. He stepped back with a small laugh. "Still uncomfortable I think."

Lily coughed and seemed to shake herself out of a trance. "Right. James, I--"

"I have to meet Sirius," he interrupted. "I'll see you in a few days. Maybe things will be a bit more exciting next time. Or maybe you won't have to put up with me anymore."

She smiled, and he thought--or possibly imagined--that there was a touch of regret to it. "Maybe. But I'm fine with just dinner. Good night, James."

She turned to go into her flat, and he watched her leave before blowing out his breath in one frustrated sigh. Once again he knew he shouldn't be seeing her, working so closely with her, yet he couldn't stop, and not because Dumbledore had given them the assignment.

He loved her. And it seemed he couldn't stop hoping that maybe, just maybe, she might love him again someday.

* * *

They walked to the restaurant in silence on Monday, as if their near-kiss earlier in the week had set them back. James didn't know how they'd make it through dinner, but he was determined to set her at ease. He forced himself to relax and put everything from his mind but the assignment and her comfort; so he talked and joked and laughed until she relaxed as well, and they were once again the same two people who had enjoyed their previous dinners together. It was hard, but it was necessary, and they were both better off for it.

He kept a close eye on the room, but once again he did not see anything suspicious. Several witches and wizards came and went while they sat at their table in the back, taking their time over minestrone soup, spinach manicotti, and finally a delicious tiramisu James insisted she try. He loved the delighted look on her face as the first bite passed her lips, and he idly hoped they could continue to work together, just so he could see that look again, somehow, somewhere, even though it stabbed him in the heart every time.

They were just about to settle the cheque when Lily glanced up, froze, then quickly looked away as she finished her drink.

"What is it?" James murmured, trying not to turn in the direction she seemed to be avoiding.

She smiled as she set down her glass and stood. "Possible suspect," she said, still smiling but barely moving her lips. He nodded to indicate he understood; it was perfectly clear she not only recognized someone, but that this person might recognize her. He left the money on the table, forgetting her offer to pay, then took Lily's elbow and guided her out, leaning in close as if suggesting something clandestine and hopefully giving her a bit of cover. She followed his lead perfectly and giggled softly as she leaned her head on his shoulder, a perfect picture of innocent romantic bliss as they linked arms and tried not to hurry out the door.

Once outside, James quickly led Lily around to the alley in back of the restaurant. It had started to snow, and a light dusting had covered everything in a pale white glow. Lily wrapped her hat and scarf around her head as he turned toward her, his mind racing.

"Who did you see?" he asked first. "I didn't recognize anyone as potential trouble."

"Iain Travers." Lily grimaced, but James still drew a blank. "He's been to St. Mungo's twice since Christmas--once right after you did with a nasty gash across his thigh, and then again two weeks ago with a broken arm. He said he got them messing around with his brothers."

James shook his head, still confused. "I can't place him. Why is he a possible suspect?"

"He's at least ten years older than us, so he wouldn't have been at Hogwarts when we were." Lily paused and looked away. "Look, I don't have any proof, but there was something about him that just suggested 'Death Eater' to me. Most normal wizards don't come in with those types of injuries so close together, for one."

"What else?" asked James, trying to decide whether to go back in or send a message to Dumbledore.

"Some of the things he said," Lily replied. "And the way he treated people. It was clear he didn't want certain people helping him with his injuries, and although he didn't come out and say it, I'm fairly sure he's a pureblood who didn't want anyone other than a pureblood treating him."

"Did you say anything to Dumbledore?" James decided to trust her; his instincts told him that her instincts were likely right; they had been good in school, and she'd caught on to the way the Order did things quickly over the past week.

Lily nodded. "I did. It was one of the things that pushed me to join the Order. I don't want wizards like him running around free, hurting other people. He did notget those injuries playing with his brothers."

"Then I'm going to send Dumbledore a message and let him know Travers is hanging around the restaurant. It could just be a coincidence."

"I doubt it," she said, shaking her head. "You didn't treat him. From the way he talked, he wouldn't set foot in a place like this. He must be involved."

"Right. Hang on, then. I still want to hear from Dumbledore before we go rushing back in." He found his wand, took a deep breath, and concentrated. A shining silver stag flowed from the tip of his wand and hovered before him. He cast a second spell, and a glowing orb appeared as well. Taking it in his hands, he held it to his lips and spoke into it. His words filled it with light, and with another silent spell, he gently pushed it into his Patronus, then waved his wand. The silver stag bounded off, bearing his message to Dumbledore.

Lily was watching closely and curiously. "Where did you learn to do that?" she asked. "Not at school, that's for sure."

"Dumbledore taught us," James replied, rubbing his hands to keep warm. He had not brought a hat or gloves and already felt chilled. "He created the spell for the Order last year. It lets us communicate with one another much faster than owls."

"It's brilliant," Lily said. "Can you show me how to do it?"

"Now?" he asked reluctantly. He was waiting on Dumbledore's orders; it didn't seem like the right time to be playing at spells in the alley behind Orsino's when a potential Death Eater might be scouting out the restaurant in front of them.

"We're just waiting here for a response, right?" she asked. "And it might be a few minutes?" When he nodded, she continued, her voice determined. "Then yes, now. I should know how to get in touch with other Order members in case anything happens--tonight or any other night."

James held back a sigh; she was right, after all. And he could never resist that tone of voice. He motioned her to take out her wand and cast a Patronus. A cloud of silver shot from her wand, a vague half-shape that wasn't quite clearly an animal, but not so indistinct as a cloud of silver fluff. She grinned a bit sheepishly, but he could tell she was disappointed and possibly even embarrassed. "It's been a while," she said with a shrug.

"It'll come back to you," he said. At Hogwarts, she had cast a swan Patronus. He knew it wasn't unusual for a wizard's Patronus to change shape, however, and apparently hers was in the process. It would still work; it would just be less recognizable as her own unique Patronus until it was more corporeal again.

He walked her through the spell for creating the golden orb that would hold her words, and showed her how to carefully push it into the silver mist with one last spell so that her Patronus could carry messages. She tried it on her own, the Patronus that flowed from her wand this time a bit larger, more distinct: some sort of four-legged animal, perhaps something similar to his own. He wondered what happy thoughts she was drawing on to create it.

"You picked it up quickly," James said approvingly.

"I had a good teacher," she grinned at him.

He rolled his eyes at her, refusing to take credit. "No, you're a quick study and incredibly good at charms. Really, I don't know why it isn't more corporeal."

She glanced away; he had embarrassed her. "I know, I'm sorry. I'll work on it, I--"

"No," he said, tilting her face back toward him and frowning. "Don't apologize. You're brilliant. It took some members of the Order weeks to get it, including Sirius."

His hand cupped her chin, and he wanted to crash his lips to hers and be damned with the consequences, but something held him back. Instead, he gazed into her eyes a bit longer, and she stared into his, and as the impulse grew stronger, his confidence grew as well, because surely she wouldn't be there with him if she wasn't interested, wouldn't be looking at him like that if she wasn't feeling something. He almost opened his mouth to just ask her, but the opportunity was lost as the alley was suddenly lit up by the appearance of a large silver bird that hovered in the air before them. It spoke with Dumbledore's voice, sounding all the world like a parent who had caught his children misbehaving.

"Return under cover if possible. Talk to Orsino. Gideon will follow."

"What does that mean?" asked Lily. "The last bit, anyway."

James sighed as he stepped away from her before he was tempted to try and reclaim any chance he might have just lost. "It means we need to point out Travers so Gideon can follow him. It means Dumbledore thinks you're right about him, too."

She nodded. "Then how do we walk back in without attracting attention? He'll certainly notice us returning so quickly, and he'll likely recognize me from the hospital."

"We do it like Dumbledore said--undercover. That's why Aurors train in Transfiguration. It's perfect for disguises." James cocked his head and stared at Lily as if studying her; she in turn gave him a skeptical look.

"I'm not an Auror," she said. "And Transfiguration was not my best subject."

"Neither am I," he replied. "But I got an Outstanding in Transfiguration. And Moody had Frank Longbottom show us some tricks in the fall. I should be able to turn us both into slightly different people with a few simple sweeps of my wand."

And just like that, the skeptical look was gone, replaced by a mischievously determined look he remembered well from Hogwarts and realized he had missed terribly. It was both reassuring and heartbreaking to see it, as she had not flashed him that look in so long. Yet it also lightened the serious mood; he felt as if things between them were exactly the way they should be, and he grinned at her. They could do this, with that look.

"Hair color?" he asked, sounding whimsical and not caring if it were inappropriate for the situation.

"Black," she replied almost instantly, and he changed it. She pulled it into a quick but elegant bun at the nape of her neck as he Transfigured his own hair into a deep chestnut brown, along with matching beard and mustache. He'd done it before, and found he liked it little more than he had last time: it itched.

"Clothing?" he asked, and she glanced down before suggesting a forest green cloak instead of brown, a lighter green for the black dress she had been wearing. He changed his own clothing, added a few more changes here and there, and finally stepped back. "How do I look?"

"Glasses," she said, and he nodded as he cast a Disillusionment Charm on them. It felt odd, knowing his glasses were there because he could still the weight on the bridge of his nose, but not being able to see them. Lily was shaking her head.

"This is so, so strange," she finally giggled. She laid a hand on his bearded cheek. "I've never seen you so scruffy-looking."

"You should see yourself. You look positively…Slytherin." He ducked away from her hand, forced a grin, and took her arm. "The only thing is, we have to act a bit differently this time. We can't be the same giddy couple who just left."

"Right. More haughty, then?" He nodded in agreement; they made a good team.

When they entered the restaurant, Orsino led them to a table in the far corner, opposite from where they had been sitting earlier. It was perfect for watching Travers, who was now sitting with a young witch, talking softly and glancing around far too often to not look suspicious. James thought he recognized her, but couldn't place her until Lily finally figured it out.

"That's Elena Rosier!" she exclaimed, barely remembering to keep her voice down. James strained to get a closer look, and when the woman turned and he saw her face, he swore under his breath.

"What's wrong?" asked Lily, eyebrows raised. "Old girlfriend?"

She sounded light-hearted, but he could tell she was offended; if he was not so worried, he could have had a good joke with it, but instead he simply shook his head and smiled a bit tightly. "Not mine."

He watched her visibly relax. "Sirius then?"

"And she's one of them." What she was doing there with Travers could be as innocent as having dinner, but James knew in his gut it wasn't. Lily had told him she thought Travers might be a Death Eater; James knew Elena was. It was not a coincidence that they were dining together at the restaurant rumored to be hit.

"We need backup," he said, leaning close. "Will you be all right for five minutes while I send another message?"

Lily nodded slowly, her eyes scanning the restaurant for more trouble. "I'll be fine. Let them know. It's tonight, isn't it?"

James nodded; she gave him a reassuring smile as he pretended to excuse himself for the loo. As he hurried toward the toilet, he took the opportunity to quickly sweep the Crystal Room; he was dismayed to see two more suspected Death Eaters sitting in a dark corner, heads together and looking as if they were hating every minute of it.

He entered the small room with the toilet and locked the door behind him. Thankful to find a window, he opened it, cast his Patronus and added a quick message, then sent it into the night. He needed immediate orders and began to pace the tiny room, ticking off all possible courses of action in his head.

The hit was that night. There was no way four Death Eaters would be eating there without something going down. They were likely waiting for the entire group to assemble, waiting for the signal to attack. That meant right now he and Lily were the only ones there to stop it unless Dumbledore got his message and was able to send reinforcements immediately. In the meantime, he should probably let Orsino know, and then cast wards, especially for the Muggles--

He was interrupted by the bright silver phoenix bursting into the room. "Sending assistance. Get Orsino to safety. Set wards. Be careful."

James almost laughed at the last, but his mind was too busy to laugh, trying to put Dumbledore's orders into action. He took off his watch and murmured the spell for a Portkey over it, setting it so that if Orsino turned the knob on the side, he would be immediately whisked to St. Mungo's. He left the toilet and hurried across the foyer into the kitchen, where several of the staff gave him startled looks.

"Sorry," he said, though he wasn't because he was in a hurry. "Where can I find Orsino?"

The big burly chef stepped out from behind a large shelf filled with fresh vegetables, a frown on his face. "I am Orsino and I very busy. We do not normally allow customers back here."

James took his elbow and guided him toward the corner, dropping the spell on his glasses for just a moment. "Orsino, it's me, James Potter." The older man stared at him in surprise, but James continued; there was no time to explain his disguise. "You're in danger, and we think it's going to happen tonight."

To his credit, Orsino did not panic. He swallowed, took a deep breath, and nodded. "What do you want me to do?"

James clapped him on the back. "We're taking care of it. You just act like nothing is going on or they'll know. And take this." He handed him the watch and explained. "This is a Portkey. If anything happens, turn the knob and you'll be taken to St. Mungo's. They might be after you, they might be after the restaurant, but they won't follow you there. So either way, this will keep you safe."

Orsino looked offended and began to protest, but James stopped him. "Don't argue. You have no wand to fight back. If you've been following the Prophet you know what you're up against. Let us protect you." The older man's shoulders slumped as he nodded reluctantly. Yet James noticed that he did not put on the watch; rather, he pocketed it away, as if he were disinclined to even acknowledge it let alone use it.

"Also, you'll probably see a few more of us drifting in," James continued.

"Us?" asked Orsino.

"The good guys." James grinned as his adrenaline began to flow. He was ready. "And we're going to set a few wards, just to be safe. All right?"

"If you must. Thank you, James," Orsino replied with a sigh. "You're a good man. Your father would be proud."

"Depends on how things turn out," James muttered to himself as he walked away. He could only hope Orsino would carry on as if he knew nothing, and that he would use the Portkey if anything went wrong. And as he stepped back into the foyer and made his way back to the Oak Room, James knew something was very, very wrong. He noticed another Death Eater, Borman Wilkes, sitting by himself, pretending to study the menu before a dark-skinned witch sat down to join him.

They were outnumbered three to one now; he hoped help arrived soon.

Lily was tense when he sat down. "There are more," she said softly, making every effort to appear casual, but James knew: he felt it too. There was such an electric tension in the air that he wondered that every witch or wizard couldn't feel it right then. Yet most of the other diners were talking and laughing, enjoying their night out. James would have given almost anything to be one of them: the anticipation was both energizing and draining.

"I know," he said. "Dumbledore is sending reinforcements. Hopefully it won't start until they get here."

"And if it does?" she asked, and he could hear both the fear and the steely determination in her voice.

"Then we fight," he replied just as evenly. "And we do the best we can. In fact, how are you at protective Shield Charms?"

She raised an eyebrow. "I got an Outstanding in Charms, remember? What do we need it for? The whole building?"

"No." He shook his head. "People might feel it in here. Just the other room. Can you do that? Set a few wards without anyone noticing?"

She nodded and set down her napkin. "Of course I can do that. Excuse me, I need to use the loo," she added a bit more loudly.

He stood as she left, then sat down and glanced around the room again, his nerves jangling as he let his foot bounce nervously. As his eyes swept past Iain Travers and Elena Rosier, she looked up and saw him watching. She grinned, leaned toward Travers, and stood. And then she walked right toward him.

He realized he had forgot to Disillusion his glasses again. The rest of his disguise was still good, but if Elena was looking out for Order members, she would likely see right through a simple change in his hair color and a beard; she knew him, after all.

She sat down in Lily's empty chair and tapped long red nails on the tablecloth. "James Potter, I presume?" Laughing at her own joke, she tossed long black hair over her shoulder and leaned forward conspiratorially. "Where's your other half, Potter? Sirius too busy sleeping around for information tonight to join you?"

James thought about bluffing his way out and immediately dismissed it. He calmly took a sip of some water. "Hello, Elena. And no, he's not out shagging for secrets. You were a special case."

She pursed her lips tightly, obviously offended. "Fat lot of good it did him--or you, I should say. He missed all the fun that night, while you took all those Stunners to the heart." She made a clicking sound with her tongue and cocked her head. "And here you are once more, only he's about to miss it all again."

James felt his eyes widen slightly; she laughed as she stood. "Have a nice date with your girlfriend, James. It might be your last."

She turned and stepped straight into a large man with dark hair and bright blue eyes. Only because James knew Gideon Prewett was on his way did he recognize the older man's features beneath his disguise. He nodded in acknowledgment, relieved for at least some backup, and a good man at that.

"Excuse me," Gideon apologized, then leaned closer, his eyes hard, his voice low. "But I don't think so."

She glanced up at him with narrowed eyes, then pushed past him and returned to her own table. Gideon sat down next to James.

"What's the situation?" he asked quietly, glancing around the room to assess it. James filled him in.

"I've counted at least six possible Death Eaters, possibly more. I've spoken to Orsino. I gave him a Portkey to use if anything happens and he can't defend himself or is hurt. Lily is setting wards on the other dining room, as that's where most of the Muggles are." He ran a hand across his chin, almost forgetting the scratchy beard there. "Other than that, we're just waiting--for more of you to arrive, and one of them to start."

"Great date," Gideon murmured with a wink.

"It's not a date," James snapped back, then immediately shook his head and apologized. "I'd much rather be on a date somewhere safe, but I'm here and I'm with Lily and I have to make sure she's all right."

"I told you I can take care of myself, Potter," Lily said as she rejoined them. Gideon laughed as he held out his hand and introduced himself, though they had met once before, at St. Mungo's. She smiled at him, but gave James a challenging look.

"The wards are set. What's next?"

"Two more sat down while you were gone," he said. "So that's six we know of inside, with the three of us to defend." He glanced around the room. "And whatever wizards don't just Apparate away as soon as it starts."

"You really think it's tonight?"

James didn't have a chance to answer, because as soon as she spoke, it started. The lights went out, everyone screamed, and almost immediately the room was filled with jets of red and yellow and purple.

The battle had begun.

* * *

Chapter Four - Teamwork

The wards that Lily had set on the Crystal Room held. For some reason, that was the first thing James noticed, even in the dark. No spells crossed the threshold, but he knew there were already two Death Eaters in the opposite room, and he could see them casting their own curses. They needed to be stopped before the Muggles dining in there were literally slaughtered at their tables.

"Gideon!" James called as he ran toward the other room. "I've got to get to the other ones. Stay with Lily!"

"Dammit, James!" Lily shouted at his back as he left, ducking his way through the dark. Around him, he could hear the sounds of several wizards Apparating to safety; he hoped one or two stayed to fight, given the poor odds against them. He also heard one or two cry out and fall, and he couldn't blame those who chose to escape with their lives instead. "I can take care of myself. I'm not some helpless bint--"

She was cut off as a wicked jet of red light sped toward her; she blocked it with a growl and a Shield Charm. James turned back toward her, but before he could take a step, she slashed her wand through the air, and Elena Rosier crashed to the floor in a Full Body Bind. He grinned, impressed even though he shouldn't have been, and still wishing she wasn't there, risking her life. "Good one, Evans."

"Sod off, Potter," she snapped back, but he heard the flush of victory in her voice as well. "Take the other room--we've got this one." In the light of another spell that Gideon deflected, James saw her standing side-by-side with him, their wands pointed at Travers, Wilkes, and the dark-skinned witch.

James didn't answer but sprinted across the foyer into the Crystal Room. He sent a sphere of light toward the ceiling, eliminating the advantage of darkness so he could at least know who they were fighting. He could also see the casualties: it appeared that at least half a dozen Muggles had run for the door and made it out. Several others were hiding beneath their tables, but a few had already been hit. A old woman held a man's head in her lap, sobbing as she tried to stop the bleeding from a deep head wound. A couple at a table near the front of the room were lying on the floor next to their chairs, eyes staring lifelessly at the ceiling, and James felt a white-hot anger explode within him that these innocent people--couples out on a romantic date, families enjoying dinner with one another--were being hurt and killed simply because they were Muggles, in the wrong place at the wrong time. The two Death Eaters in the room fired brutally on them all; he was determined to bring them down.

James fired a Disarming Spell toward the corner where they stood, one of them laughing hideously as she cast another curse at the Muggles still trying to flee. Two of the waiting staff fell, struck in the back by the Killing Curse as they tried to help a family of five in the opposite corner. James cast a quick Shield Charm at their table and hoped it held; he pushed aside the guilt that he was too late for Orsino's staff.

Moving closer, James finally recognized Bellatrix Lestrange, long black hair flowing wildly around her as she cackled with glee. Her husband stood with her, and James felt his anger flare: he had a history with the Lestranges, a history that was growing with each new encounter he had with the cruel couple.

He also realized that if the Lestranges were involved, it was possible that others he knew were as well--Dante Avery or his brother Pietro, who had close ties to the Lestrange family. Severus Snape had gone over and joined Voldemort's cause with his Slytherin gang the moment he had left Hogwarts; was he there somewhere too, in disguise? Was Lily fighting her old childhood friend in the room next door?

The thought distracted him, and a spell from Bellatrix caught him on the side of his leg, sending him crashing to his knees in pain. He ducked behind a table where two Muggles huddled beneath the linen tablecloth, their faces terrified as they clung to one another, completely defenseless. Nearby, another body lay contorted in death. James tried to give the couple a reassuring nod as he stood to face his opponents, ignoring his injured leg. Rodolphus grinned as he threw a Blasting Curse at him, but James blocked it; Rodolphus was apparently not quite as powerful as his wife. He stumbled as James sent back three quick spells, finally managing to hurl him backward across the table where he had been sitting earlier, a trickle of blood coming from his nose as he fell to the floor, unconscious.

Bellatrix screamed, but instead of lashing out at James, she obliterated a nearby table where three more Muggles cowered, sending broken shards of glass and wood spinning into the air and crashing down around them. Before she could cast another devastating spell, her wand was blasted out of her hand, and she was quickly felled by a powerful Stunner: Frank Longbottom stood behind him, with Alastor Moody and Dorcas Meadows in the foyer. Shifting awkwardly to put his weight on his uninjured leg, James nodded in acknowledgment as Moody directed Dorcas to the back to check on Orsino and the kitchen staff. James hoped the owner had used the Portkey by now.

Moody turned toward the Oak Room, but before he even raised his wand, he crumpled to the ground. Four more Death Eaters--these four masked--had burst into the restaurant through the front door. The scattered Muggles still hiding beneath their tables screamed again. James stared at the entryway, momentarily stunned at the sudden turn the battle had taken, before he lifted his wand and Stunned one of the new combatants; the others began moving out, one toward the kitchen, one toward the Oak Room, and one toward the Crystal Room.

"Get to Moody!" Frank shouted. "And set an Anti-Apparition Jinx so more can't arrive. I'll hold this room." He quickly began to set more protective charms around the room for the remaining Muggles, and when the masked man who had moved into the Crystal Room realized he could not harm them, he started dueling Frank instead.

James cast an Anti-Apparation Jinx as best as he could over the two rooms and stumbled into the foyer. Moody was unconscious, and the Reviving Spell James tried did nothing to bring him back. A quick glance around the Oak Room told him that most of the other wizards dining that night had Apparated away as soon as the fight had started. Only two other wizards had stayed to help: James recognized Edgar Bones, a Hit Wizard from the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. He was dueling the dark-skinned witch while a woman James suspected was his wife moved around the room on her hands and knees, helping two of the wait staff who had been injured; a third lay dead beside them.

Lily and Gideon were facing Travers, Wilkes, and one of the masked Death Eaters. They were fighting furiously, both sides refusing to back off. James ducked a strong Stunning Spell from Wilkes as he dashed into the Oak Room to Lily's side. "Can you revive Moody? We need him."

She stared at him, wide-eyed. A spell flew past her left ear, but she barely noticed.

"Lily!" he said, and he almost took her shoulders to shake her, but she snapped out of it and nodded. "I'll cover you."

"Disillusion me after I fall," she said, her voice steadier than her look. James was impressed; she was still thinking clearly, which was more than he could say for his first big confrontation as a full-fledged Order member. He felt his heart swell with pride at how strong she was. Remus had been right: they needed someone like her.

Lily let herself fall awkwardly to the ground; Gideon glanced down and swore, thinking she had been hit, but James murmured a reassurance and stepped forward as if he were protecting her body. He cast a Disillusionment Charm behind his back, and immediately felt her invisible presence move away toward Moody. He joined Gideon in blocking the spells coming their way, and he threw back as many as he could, as hard as he could.

Gideon took a hard hit to his shoulder before he swore vehemently and finally took out Travers with a Stunner that sent him crashing against the wall. That left two, but suddenly, Wilkes and the final Death Eater went down, and the room was quiet. Alastor Moody stood in the foyer with Lily, their wands raised. He gave a satisfied grunt, while she looked like she was going to collapse. The four of them glanced around the room in silence, until a loud crash from the other side sent them rushing into the Crystal Room.

Frank Longbottom was standing over the man he had been dueling, holding a bloody hand to his chest. The Lestranges were nowhere to be seen; apparently they had regained consciousness, blasted the window and leapt out, leaving behind their unconscious comrades. There was another loud crash behind them, and at least three Death Eaters from the Oak Room did the same, escaping into the night. Frank looked ready to jump out the window and go after them all.

"Stand down, Longbottom," Moody growled. "They'll have Apparated by now anyway. Time to clean up."

James limped over to Lily, who seemed uninjured except for a few cuts and scrapes. He couldn't help it: he threw his arms around her, and she clung to him just as fiercely. He didn't want to ever let go; he couldn't imagine what he would do if something had happened to her. Gideon came by and clapped them both on the shoulder.

"All right, you're all alive. The group hug is over," Moody snapped. "If you're standing, there's work to do. Where's Dorcas?"

Dorcas Meadowes stepped out from the kitchen right then, a stunned look on her face as she moved slowly and unsteadily. Lily gasped, because the other woman was deathly pale and covered in blood.

"It's not mine," she whispered, glancing down at her crimson hands. "But Orsino--I tried, only I was too late, and I don't know if he--" She trailed off, obviously in shock.

"Evans, you're a Healer, get back there," Moody ordered. "Potter, go with her and get them to St. Mungo's."

Lily hurried toward the back, but James stopped as three more people burst through the front door. He whirled around with Moody and Gideon, all three of them with their wands raised. Sirius stared back at them, Caradoc Dearborn and Alice Longbottom by his side.

"Looks like we missed a hell of a party," he remarked, glancing around and lowering his wand. Alice ran over to Frank and embraced him; Moody snorted at them both.

"You're here just in time to clean it up, Black. You know the drill. Gideon, get us some Obliviators for these Muggles." Gideon held a hand to his injured shoulder, but he nodded and hurried out the door. James knew he was Apparating to the Ministry. A team of Oblivators would be there within minutes to deal with the Muggles: there were the dead and injured to attend to, and the Muggles who had survived would all need to have their memories modified after what they had experienced that night.

Sirius walked up to him. "Nice beard," he said, and James gave him an exasperated look. Sirius grinned. "Okay, fine. Are you all right?" he asked instead. "And where's Evans?"

James nodded as he dropped the disguise he hardly remembered he'd been wearing. "Yes, I'm fine. Lily is in the back with Orsino. I think he was hit hard." He hurried toward the kitchen, but when he heard Sirius laugh behind him, he turned to see what could possibly be humorous at such a time. Caradoc had hauled Elena Rosier to her feet and bound her hands behind her back. She was glaring daggers at Sirius as if he were Godric Gryffindor himself. Sirius sidled up to her with a smirk, and James left, not the least bit interested in that particular confrontation knowing the history between them.

When he stepped into the kitchen, he almost lost his footing: the floor was slick with blood. "Godric's Galleons," he whispered. "What the hell happened back here?"

Lily was on the kneeling on the floor trying to help Orsino. He was pale and unconscious, and both of them were covered in blood. Dorcas was standing above them, rubbing her arms as she watched Lily work, brown eyes wide. James could see that Dorcas was shaking, and he hurried over.

"Are you hurt?" he asked, touching her elbow. She jumped. Normally calm and collected, James was unnerved to see Dorcas so rattled. It must have been bad--worse than up front. There was not nearly so much blood up front.

"I'm fine," she whispered, but she didn't look away from Orsino. "I was just too late."

"What happened?" James asked again, this time more gently.

"When I got back here, two of the staff were already dead. The Death Eaters had come in the back door. Orsino stabbed one." She stopped to take a deep breath. "He was trying to protect his people, trying to give them time to get them out. But then the other one hit him so hard. I think it was some sort of Severing Charm."

James stared down at Orsino; it looked as if his arm were almost completely destroyed. That was the source of the blood. He swallowed a surge of bile as Dorcas continued.

"I cast a Reductor Curse," she whispered. "The man who hit him is dead...very dead. The others got away, but I was too late for them, for Orsino…"

Lily glanced up and gave him a look that clearly said he needed to do something. James turned Dorcas toward him and awkwardly wrapped his arms around her; Lily nodded in approval. He could feel the other woman's heart racing against his chest as he rubbed her back, willing her to calm down. It was hard: she had walked into a bloody ambush and killed a man. It was a wonder she was still standing.

"What about the one who came through the restaurant?" he asked softly. "What happened to him?"

Dorcas shook her head. "I think I hit him, but he got away. I'm sorry."

She turned her head away, but he squared her shoulders and looked straight into her eyes; they were still wide, still stunned. "Don’t be. You saved a lot of lives tonight."

Dorcas nodded but did not respond. She stepped away, staring at Orsino once more.

"We need to get him to St. Mungo's," Lily said quietly. She glanced up at James, her face unreadable. "Can you Apparate?"

James nodded; he was tired and sore but otherwise uninjured except for his leg. "Do you need help?" he asked.

"No," she said. "I've stopped the bleeding and set a spell for the pain. I can Side-Along with him. Will you bring Dorcas? She needs to see someone--she's in shock."

"I know," he murmured. Dorcas did not protest as he took her hand. "We'll be right behind you."

And just like that, it was over: the battle had been won, but at what price?

* * *

Several hours later, James left St. Mungo's and Apparated back to Diagon Alley. The superficial injury to his leg had been taken care of, and all he wanted was a strong drink at the Leaky Cauldron. Sirius was already there with Remus and Peter, having done what he could at Orsino's to help after missing most of the battle. Alastor Moody had supervised the cleanup: the Muggles in the restaurant had been treated for their injuries and then Obliviated by wizards from the Ministry. For them, it had been some sort of gas explosion. The dead had been given over to the Muggle authorities investigating the tragic accident. Frank and Alice Longbottom had taken the prisoners to Azkaban to be questioned in the morning. The rest of them had begun to put back Orsino's restaurant as best as they could without arousing suspicion.

Caradoc and Gideon soon joined them at their table, and together they had a moment of silence for the two wizards who had been killed, a young witch out for dinner with her fiancée. Gideon said she had been in the same year as Frank Longbottom; James vaguely remembered her as a sunny-faced Hufflepuff prefect. Remus asked after Orsino.

"He's in bad shape," James replied, nursing the glass of Firewhiskey he had ordered; now that he had it, he didn't particularly want it. More than anything, he wanted to go back to the hospital and see Lily, but he knew she was busy: she had refused to leave Orsino's side as the Senior Healers had begun treating him. "Dorcas said he was hit by a Severing Charm. It damn near took off his arm. He lost of blood, and Lily said the Healers aren't sure they can--well, save it." He took a deep breath, still slightly stunned by the gruesome injury. "He could still lose it."

There was another moment of silence. "How's Lily?" asked Peter. "Sirius didn't think she was hurt."

"She wasn't," James replied. He pictured Lily at her strongest, fighting back and taking down two Death Eaters on her own, and he shook his head in amazement. "She was brilliant."

"And Dorcas?" asked Sirius, ignoring the opportunity to take the piss like he normally would when James said something sentimental about Lily. "She didn't look good from what I saw."

"She doesn't have a scratch on her," said Caradoc. "But she needed a Calming Draught for them to even check to make sure. She's really upset. Adriam is with her." He glanced at James with a questioning look. "I heard it was bad in the kitchen."

Everyone turned toward James again. He didn't want to, but he told them about the bloody scene in the back. "Really, it's a wonder more people weren't killed. Between Dorcas and Orsino, they saved a lot of lives." Of course Orsino hadn't used the Portkey; he had done everything he could to protect his people, not flee.

"She doesn't see it that way," murmured Caradoc, and James nodded. He had never killed anyone in battle, but he could only imagine how hard it must be to actually take a life. He hoped he never had to, that it never came to that.

"I know," he said. "But Orsino got three of his workers out before he was hit. One was found in the storage closet with a few of the wait staff. So if she hadn't hit the one she did, they could all be dead."

"How many were killed?" asked Remus, his voice bleak, his face still tired and gaunt from the full moon the night before. For a long moment, no one answered, until Gideon finished his drink, motioned for a new one, and finally answered.

"Five Muggles, two wizards, and five staff from the restaurant. Plus two Death Eaters." He blew out a breath. "A lot of injuries, but near half escaped unhurt. It could have been worse."

"How many were there?" asked Peter. "Death Eaters, I mean."

"There were a six in the restaurant with me, Lily, and Gideon," said James. "Including the Lestranges. And then Moody showed up with Frank and Dorcas, only four more appeared right on their heels. Plus the two that came in the back. So a dozen."

"Well, we got four of them," said Sirius. He had a bit of a feral grin as he said it. "Including Elena Rosier. She looked good in handcuffs." Peter sputtered as James and Gideon laughed; Remus just rolled his eyes. "Plus Wilkes and two others. The rest escaped--except the two in the kitchen, of course."

"So it really could have been worse," Peter murmured.

"Thank Merlin James and Lily were there," said Caradoc.

"No, thank Merlin Lily recognized Iain Travers as a possible Death Eater," said James. "That's why we sent word to Dumbledore. That's why we went back in. If we hadn't, it could have been a complete bloodbath."

Again, everyone was silent. James hated to give himself that much credit, but it was true: if they hadn't been there, hadn't called for help, a lot more people would be probably be dead, and it was all thanks to Lily's suspicion of Travers.

As they each dwelled on their own thoughts, Lily walked up with Frank and Alice Longbottom. Frank was sporting a large bandage on his hand, but his wife appeared unharmed; she hovered next to him, holding tightly to his arm as if afraid to let go. Lily looked drained, yet James could tell from experience that she wasn't ready to sleep: she needed to talk. He stood and offered her his chair, pulling over another to sit beside her.

"How's Orsino?" he asked immediately, knowing she would have more recent news. She ran a hand through her hair--long returned to its normal fiery auburn and loose around her shoulders--and blew out a long breath.

"He's in pretty bad shape," she replied. She ordered a glass of elf wine from a nearby waitwitch; James raised his eyebrows. "What? It's been a long night."

"Yes, it has," he replied with an understanding smile. "Tell us more."

"His left arm was almost completely severed," she said. Her voice was very matter-of-fact; everyone else around the table looked horrified. "The Healers have done their best to save it, but he might not be able to use his hand. It just depends on how he heals."

"How's Dorcas?" asked Caradoc. "She was with Adriam when I left."

And now Lily's face fell, almost crumpling to tears. "She's devastated. She's blaming herself for not saving the kitchen staff who were killed, for Orsino's injury, for the Death Eater she hit." She paused and her look changed to one more fierce. "Even though he deserved it."

"Here, here," murmurmed Sirius, raising his glass.

"She's staying overnight," Lily continued. "I'll check on her and Orsino tomorrow. There were two others wizards who were injured as well but they should recover."

The table lapsed into silence. It was several hours past midnight and everyone was exhausted, but obviously reluctant to leave. It was as if being together, even in silence, was the best comfort they needed at that moment. They nursed their drinks as the pub began to clear out. James soon felt his eyelids drooping; it was all he could do to stay awake.

"I almost forgot--Dumbledore wants a meeting tomorrow night," said Frank. "Headquarters at seven o'clock."

"In the middle of the week?" asked Peter. "Must be serious."

"I didn't do anything," said Sirius, and he managed half a smile. "At least not this time."

The entire table groaned and one by one they stood to leave. Frank and Alice left first, followed quickly by Peter and Caradoc. Sirius tried to keep them talking, but soon Remus stood and took his leave as well, looking dead on his feet, and Sirius fell unusually silent. Normally James would head home with Sirius, but he did not want to leave Lily alone. He was surprised she was still there, and even more surprised when she laid her head on his shoulder.

"I should go," she murmured, but she did not move to leave. James almost put his arm around her, but stopped himself, unsure of her response.

Sirius gave him a pointed look from across the table, then coughed to get their attention as he stood. "Me too. I'll see you back at the flat, Prongs." He hurried out before James could even say goodnight, leaving him alone with Lily.

He wouldn't have minded staying there with her, but the barman had cleaned every table except for theirs; it was obvious he wanted to close. They left reluctantly, Lily walking unusually close to him as they stepped into the cold night.

"Do you want me to walk you home?" he asked, wanting her to say yes yet hoping she would say no because he was both tired and confused.

She shook her head. "No, I'm just going to Apparate. I'm too tired to walk. But thank you."

"Anytime," he replied as nonchalantly as he could, trying to hide his disappointment and relief. "Just be safe."

She gave him that same challenging look she had given him in the restaurant before the world had gone to hell. "Haven't I proved that I can take care of myself?"

He laughed, the tension he'd been feeling all night bursting forth unexpectedly in release. "Yes, you did. I'm sorry. I can't help it."

"I know," she said. She stepped closer and James felt his breath hitch at her nearness. "You were amazing tonight," she said softly.

"So were you," he replied, hoping he sounded sincere. He had been so impressed as with how she had handled herself at Orsino's that he couldn't imagine not spending every assignment with her. "The way you took down Elena, revived Moody, helped Orsino. You were brilliant."

She smiled almost shyly as she glanced at him through her eyelashes. "Well, we made a good team, I thought."

He nodded, though he felt a lump in his throat because he knew she didn't mean it in the way he hoped. "Yes, we did."

"Maybe we'll get to do it again sometime," she continued. "Only without a dozen Death Eaters crashing our dinner."

He stared at her; she couldn't possibly be suggesting what he thought, what he wanted so badly--could she? He swallowed thickly, fatigue blurring his thoughts more and more, and tried to smile at her. "I hope so," he managed.

"Me too, James," she said, and she kissed him on the cheek, sending his thoughts spiraling into confusion once more. "Go home and get some rest. I'll see you at the meeting tomorrow."

He simply nodded as she stepped back and Apparated to her flat. He gazed out into the night, wondering what exactly had happened, before he decided he just couldn't think about it after everything else. He needed to clean up. He needed to sleep.

And he needed to stop thinking about Lily as anything more than a partner, more than a friend. It just wasn't meant to be.

* * *

Chapter Five - So Close

James spent the next day recovering: he slept in, he ate, he read the Daily Prophet and rested some more. By noon he was bored and decided to head to St. Mungo's to check on Orsino and Dorcas; he also hoped he might see Lily.

Caradoc was there with Adriam Meadowes, and James was glad to see that Dorcas had improved tremendously. He still sensed a deep sadness in her, or perhaps it was guilt, but he didn't know what to say and left quickly. Yes, she had killed a man, but that man had already killed two innocent restaurant workers and would have killed more. James wasn't sure how he would deal with the knowledge that he had taken a life, but he knew it was a part of war. It would happen one day.

Orsino was still unconscious. The Healers had placed him in a magically induced sleep to allow his body time to heal. There was still no word on whether he would have full use of his arm. James couldn't imagine losing such an important limb: how would Orisno adapt, especially without magic?

Lily had already come by that morning and gone home as she wasn't scheduled to work that day. He waited, idly hoping she would come back, but eventually he left as well. He went to visit his father, finding some solace from the restlessness that plagued him by sitting in the kitchen with a cup of tea, filling his father in on what had happened at the restaurant. Harrington Potter was completely supportive of his son being in the Order, but James could tell his father was growing increasingly worried.

"I'm just glad you're all right, son," he finally said, sipping at his tea. He set down the cup and gave James a very direct look. "Fighting for others is all well and good, but I don't want to see you lying up at St. Mungo's in that bed."

"I've been hit before, Dad," James said, shrugging it off. It was true, after all: it was war.

"Yes, you've had your share of injuries--all of you." Harrington Potter paused and rubbed his chin; he wore a beard, gone grey now with age. "But you've been lucky none of them have been serious. I don't want to see you lose a limb--or worse."

James nodded and sighed. He understood how his father felt because he had felt the same way about Lily each time they had gone to the restaurant. He couldn't bear the thought of something happening to her, even if they weren't together. Yet he also knew from the way she had fought that they needed her; the Order needed them both. People like Orsino needed them, and so they carried on, in spite of the risks.

"I'll be careful, Dad," he said with a half-hearted smile. "But it's something I've got to do."

His father reached across the table and took his hand. "I know. And I'm proud of you, James. Your mother would be too."

James swallowed a lump in his throat as he simply nodded. They talked a bit more about things in general--the Daily Prophet, the war, the state of the Ministry--until James finally excused himself. He felt drained once more and wanted to rest before the meeting that night. For some reason, he was dreading it.

He returned to his flat, but Sirius was out. So he laid down, tried to read, and scrounged for something to eat, before finally pacing as he waited for seven o'clock. After Apparating to Diagon Alley, he began to head toward Headquarters, hoping to run into Lily on the way, but instead catching up with Sirius and Peter.

They made it to Headquarters safely to find most of the Order members already gathered. Dumbledore was talking quietly with Lily in the corner, but James did not want to interrupt and did not sit with her as he had hoped. Instead, he found a place by Gideon and his brother Fabian; Remus soon joined them. Frank and Alice Longbottom walked in last with the wizard from the restaurant, Edgar Bones, and his wife. James nodded to himself: apparently they had some new members.

After a few minutes, Dumbledore started the meeting. He began by telling everyone about the attack at Orsino's. He left nothing out, starting with the intelligence he had received about an impending attack, to Lily's suspicion of Iain Travers, to the brief but intense battle itself. He updated the room on everyone's condition.

"Giovanni Orsino is still under careful observation, but his physical condition is improving hourly. Dorcas Meadowes witnessed the attack and killed the other Death Eater in the kitchen. She is recuperating at home with her family." He paused and looked around the room. "The others who were injured have also been released. Services for the young witch and her fiancée who were killed in the attack are on Friday."

"What about the Muggles?" asked Benjy Fenwick from the corner where he sat with Caradoc. Alastor Moody stepped forward, his magical eye revolving eerily.

"Ten dead, nine injured. We had the Ministry out until late last night to help. The Muggle papers will report it as a gas explosion. All Muggles involved have had their memories modified." He looked angry, but James couldn't place whether it was because of the casualties themselves or something else. "It was a big job. I don't want to see it happen again."

James felt a stab in his gut: he'd felt guilty, yes, but he couldn't help but feel that they had done their best and saved a lot of lives. They'd been outnumbered two to one in the end, and yet half the people in the building had escaped with little or no injury. He glanced at Lily and saw she felt it too: the painful guilt that they hadn't done more, earlier, to stop the horrific attack. He closed his eyes; next to him he heard Sirius swearing under his breath.

"I think our people acted extraordinarily well in exceptional circumstances, Alastor," said Dumbledore softly. When James opened his eyes, he saw that Dumbledore had laid a hand on Moody's arm as if to hold him back. "We had very little information to go on. They were outnumbered. They fought well and saved many, many lives."

"I'm not discounting them, Albus," Moody growled. "Potter held his own again and Evans did exceptional for her first time out. I just don't want it to happen again. We need to stop it before it happens, not be there to minimize the damage."

Lily still looked slightly sick; James felt it too. Moody was right, but how could they predict when it would happen again? They had spent a week at the restaurant and seen nothing. It was only Lily's call on Travers that had saved them at all. How could they possibly know who else was involved when so many Death Eaters still followed Voldemort in secret? How could they possible know in advance when something was going to happen?

"We have as many people as possible out listening and gathering information," replied Dumbledore. "There will be times where all we can hope to do is contain the situation. This was one of them. I commend you all for your brave actions last night. Without you, the situation would have ended far more tragically." He gave James, and then Lily, a reassuring smile before continuing. "That said, we still need more information. We need more people. And after the events of last evening, two more have decided to join us."

Dumbledore motioned toward Edgar Bones, who stood with his wife by his side. "I would like to introduce Edgar Bones. He was at the restaurant last night and stayed to fight. His wife Sarah helped several of the injured. They will be joining us, and I have no doubt they will be a great asset to our efforts."

There was muffled applause around the room. Edgar cleared his throat and smiled, warm but determined. James liked him already: the man had an air about him that radiated strength and confidence, and his wife appeared equally as strong. He had no doubt the Bones would be a welcome addition to their group: they had been the only ones to stay and fight at the restaurant, which alone spoke highly of their character.

"Thank you," said Edgar. "I appreciate the welcome. It's something I've been thinking about for a while." He stopped and took his wife's hand. "And after last night, I realized there was no other choice: what we saw was horrific, but we also saw brave people fighting back and knew we had to be a part of that. We want to protect our family. We want to help end this war."

"And we welcome you to our sturdy ranks," said Dumbledore. "Thank you. Now, as for the repercussions--" He continued, but James was no longer listening. He let his mind wander, just as he had last time. In the space of a week, they had recruited three new members. Three good, strong members who could help them fight back. He glanced toward Lily, glad she was there and relieved she was safe, and was surprised to find she was already staring at him. She smiled, and he smiled back.

The rest of the meeting passed in a daze. He knew he should be listening, but only half heard Dumbledore's warning that Voldemort's forces would likely retaliate for the stalemate at the restaurant. He registered Moody setting up new assignments, but didn't hear his name and let his eyes drift shut until Sirius nudged him.

"What?" he asked, shaking himself. He felt like he'd been caught dozing in Divination. "Did I miss something important?"

"Not really," said Sirius, grinning. "Just the end of the meeting. Half the Order's left."

James sat up from where he had slumped in his chair and glanced around. Sirius laughed, as if he knew what was going through James's mind.

"Evans is still here. You should catch up with her before she leaves."

"Why?" asked James, slightly confused even though that was exactly what he had been thinking.

"Because you missed your chance last night," Sirius said. "I left it wide open for you and everything."

"I don't need another chance," James grumbled as he stood. "She just wants to be friends."

"Are you sure?" Sirius asked. "Because the way she was sitting with you last night, watching you, leaning on your shoulder--that didn't seem all that friendly, if you know what I mean."

James watched her across the room, wishing Sirius was right, yet knowing he wasn't. Lily had come right out and said she wanted to be friends. Yes, there had been a moment when he had walked her home one night, another when he had showed her the Patronus charm...but nothing had happened, and nothing would. She had said no not once, but twice.

They had shared an intense embrace after the battle at Orsino's…but it hadn't meant anything to her, had it? It was relief, shared with the closest person present: a friend. While a small part of him wanted to believe it was more than that, wanted another chance, he also didn't want to lose what he had gained, even if it was just her friendship.

"I offered to walk her home," James finally replied with a shrug. "She Apparated."

"Ask her again," Sirius said. "I think she'll say yes."

"Why?" asked James sharply. "Do you know something?"

He rolled his eyes. "Give me a break, Prongs. How would I know anything like that? Lily never really--"

"Never really what?" asked a voice behind him. The wide-eyed look of surprise on his friend's face almost made James burst out laughing. Instead he bit his lip and grinned. Sirius recovered quickly, though.

"Never really trusted me," he finished, turning around with a challenging look.

Lily leaned closer and lowered her voice, as if sharing a secret. "I still don't. What were you really going to say?"

"I was going to say 'liked me' but I know that can't possibly be true." He opened his arms, palms up, and grinned. "What's not to like?"

Lily burst out laughing and patted him on the cheek; his eyes went wide again at her patronizing touch. "I think you are a devious, annoying, pompous prat, but I still like you, Sirius."

Sirius seemed slightly speechless; he could only shake his head in resignation. "You always surprise me, Evans. James, I leave you to her. Good night."

And he once again left them alone, hurrying out into the night to catch up with Peter. James watched him go before he turned back to Lily with a shrug.

"You nailed the annoying bit," he said. "Devious, too."

Lily laughed. "But he's still a good man. He probably needs to be reminded of it more, but I couldn't resist."

"No," said James, laughing with her. "That wouldn't help the pompous part, so it's a good thing you didn't." He tried not to watch the way her eyes sparkled when she laughed and looked away.

"Are you leaving?" Lily asked after an awkward silence fell between them.

"If I can stay awake long enough to get out the door, yes," James said, and he stifled a yawn just thinking about it. "I'm still exhausted."

"Me too," said Lily. "But do you want to walk together? I would have last night but I'm sure I would have fallen asleep halfway back."

"I still might," said James, trying not to let his sudden nerves show. "But yes, I would like to. Especially if Dumbledore is talking about retaliation."

She rolled her eyes. "Don't worry, James--I'll protect you."

He pretended to sputter indignantly, then laughed with her once more as they left the meeting together and headed into the cold night. It had started to snow during the meeting, and enough had fallen to cover the ground with a layer of white fluff. It was only a short walk to Lily's flat, and after asking about Orsino once more, James fell into silence, unsure what to say, but oddly comfortable with saying nothing. Really, he was happy to just be there with her, walking her home as if they were on a date. Maybe he was too tired to feel otherwise; he'd likely regret it in the morning and wish he'd acted differently, actually said something.

Yet Lily didn't say anything either and seemed content as well. She walked very close to him, her hand brushing against his as they took their time on the snowy pavement. He let his fingers trail against hers in turn, each touch sending small shocks through his body, his breathing quickening even though he tried not to think about it, about her, in that way.

When they came to the door leading up to her flat, they simply stood there awkwardly, as if unsure how to say goodbye after all that had happened between them. The last time James had walked her back, he had stopped himself from kissing her, because his fear and doubt did not want to see him rejected again. Yet so much had changed in a week: they had shared several meals together, spending hours talking. He had taught her how to cast the charm that would enable her hazy Patronus to speak. They had fought side-by-side together at Orsino's. Standing there, gazing into her eyes, James sensed something was different. He felt it in his gut, in his heart beating feverishly against his ribs.

But still he doubted, and so they continued to stand on the doorstep, not touching, not talking, barely even breathing. The snow fell around them, landing without notice on their faces--his glasses, her lips, the wisps of hair that lay on her shoulders. Their eyes met, but Lily looked away, and in that moment he saw something that changed his mind. He decided to risk it again. He had done it before, at St. Mungo's when he had been lying in bed, and she had been tending him. He had begged her for another chance, and when she hadn't answered, he had suddenly, explosively, and passionately kissed her, taking her face in his hands and desperately hoping she would say yes.

She hadn't said anything, which he had only heard as no.

This time he approached her slowly, almost hesitatingly. As he leaned toward her, he closed his eyes because he couldn't bear to see the rejection on her face. His hands came up without even thinking about it and gently cupped her cheeks. He did not pull her toward him, but came forward until his lips met hers, tenderly at first, and then with more feeling as he felt that tiny, familiar catch in her breathing that he remembered so well.

He wanted to pull her toward him, wrap his arms around her and run them down her back. He wanted to kiss her until they were both breathless and bruised and desperate for more. But more than anything, he just wanted her to know that he still loved her, and always would, whether she returned his feelings or not.

He ended it slowly, stepping back from the kiss before letting his hands fall. Lily had not closed her eyes, but gazed at him with lips parted, her pupils wide; he imagined them filled with pity. He hung his head, but decided he had nothing left to lose, so he took a deep breath and spoke.

"Can you honestly say you don't feel anything?" he asked, his voice a hoarse whisper as he looked up and met her stunned gaze. "For me? For us?"

She stared at him, eyes still wide, but she did not answer, and he shook his head with a crooked, sad smile. "I see," he said. He ran a hand through his hair and laughed nervously. "That's why you didn't return my letters, why you didn't visit, why you didn't answer. You really don't. Not anymore."

It was the hardest thing he had ever done, but he did it anyway: he stepped forward and simply kissed her on the cheek, tucking a stray hair under her hat. He smiled, though it hurt to even try. "I'll stop asking, but I won't stop caring. I love you, Lily Evans."

And he finally turned, ready to walk away and leave her behind forever. The first step was agony as his heart pounded furiously in his chest; it was all he could do to keep breathing without gasping for air.

Suddenly he was gasping for air as he felt himself hurled backwards, all the breath in his lungs leaving his body with one great whoosh as he landed violently on the pavement. He immediately knew something was broken, but even worse, he felt himself struggling to stay conscious: he had hit his head hard.

Lily was immediately hovering over him, her face a terrified and very blurry double vision. "Go," he said, fighting the urge to close his eyes. "Get help."

"I'm not leaving you, not after that," she said, but he didn't understand. A bolt of red light flew toward him and he vaguely thought that he needed to get his wand and cast a Shield Charm before Lily was hit, but she blocked it, then brushed the hair from his face.

"Nice one, Evans," he said, and tried to sit up, but he couldn't; he was too dizzy. He felt like if he moved he'd vomit, and he was fairly sure there was something wet on the back of his head that he didn't want to confirm was his own blood. "Now get out of here."

She grimaced as a spell caught her across her upper arm, then stood and threw one back in the direction it had come from, standing in front of him to shield him. A jet of purple light raced toward her in return, but she deflected it to the side, then cast a powerful Body Bind curse that had the desired effect. Their unseen enemy grunted and the spells stopped for a few seconds, before a second assailant continued the attack.

"Go!" James said, once again struggling to roll over, at least get to his knees. He couldn't. Lily glared down at him as she put up a Shield Charm for them both to hold back the jets of yellow light racing toward them; a Stinging Hex fired back stopped them for a brief moment.

"Lay down, James," she said. "You've hit your head hard. We need to get you out of here."

"Call the Order," he mumbled, his words sounding slurred to his own ears. "Headquarters isn't far." Her eyes widened in alarm at the weak sound of his voice.

"Just stay still, James," she said, and he heard a desperate plea to her tone he hadn't heard before. "You'll be all right if you just hang on."

He wanted to believe her, but his head hurt too much. And he wanted to close his eyes, but he knew if he did he might not open them again. So he watched as she cast a Patronus, and if he had had the energy, he would have gasped in shock as a very distinct silver doe flowed from the tip of her wand and floated before her.

"Oh Evans, you're in trouble now," he murmured, and he could just make out Lily shaking her head, probably in exasperation. She cast the second spell, spoke her message into the golden orb, and sent the Patronus on its way just as their attackers began firing on them again.

Only this time, it was clear there were now more.

"Bloody hell," Lily said under her breath, blocking a harsh Stunning Spell. "I hope someone gets here quick."

"Just concentrate," James said, and he fumbled for his wand only to feel an excruciating pain shoot through his arm. Ah, it was his wrist that was broken then; he must have landed on it when the spell that had hit him had flung him backward so violently. He laid his wrist on his chest and groped about with his other hand, but either his wand was beneath him or it had tumbled away; he was still defenseless, and Lily was now facing at least four attackers instead of one or two.

"You can do it," he repeated. "Just focus on defense. Sneak in some offense if you can."

She blocked a jinx, then another, casting a Shield Charm as another spell crashed against it with increasing force. "Thanks for the advice, Professor Potter," she snapped, and James couldn't help it: he laughed. But it hurt his head, and he stopped.

"I'll be quiet," he said, and this time he did close his eyes. He could barely move, what was the point of fighting it anymore? He had to trust that Lily would hold until someone from the Order arrived, or that when their attackers overpowered them, death would be swift. He certainly hoped for the former rather than the latter, but as he listened, more spells sped toward them, Lily swore under her breath again, and he began to lose that hope.

"Lily, I'm sorry about--" he started, intending to apologize for everything he had ever put her through, including kissing her just moments before. But to her surprise, she kicked his foot; his eyes flew open. "Ouch."

"Shut up, James," she said, and instead of snapping, this time she was preternaturally calm. "Don't apologize for anything. And don't close your eyes again. I still haven't answered you."

"Lily, I don't need an answer," he said, but he did close his eyes because he simply couldn't keep them open any longer. He kept talking as another spell zoomed toward them, and he heard it ricochet off her shield. "Right now I just want you to get out of this alive."

"She'll be fine," said a voice next him. It sounded remarkably like Alice Longbottom. When he opened his eyes, he saw her kneeling beside him, frowning as she glanced into his face. Above him, Frank and Remus had stepped in front of Lily and were working on both defending their position and ending the attack that had taken them so suddenly by surprise.

"That's one down," he heard Frank call, and Remus said something in response that was lost as a bolt of red light crashed into the building above them and sent bits of rock tumbling down.

"Lily, can you Apparate?" Remus called over his shoulder. Lily was brushing stone from her shoulders with a grim look on her face.

"Yes, but I want to finish this," she said, and her voice was cold as ice.

"James needs to get to St. Mungo's," said Alice, standing and facing her. "I'm fresh, you're hit. Get him out of here and we'll cover you."

"No," Lily started, and James coughed to get their attention.

"Let her finish," he said, and offered a grin to whoever was looking. "I'm fine down here for now. Just make it quick."

He heard Remus snort in front of him as Alice stepped away with a reluctant nod. Now it would be at least four against three unless their attackers called for backup. James heard one of the enemy yell in pain as a spell hit him, then the crack of Apparition as he apparently thought better of getting hit again and left the scene.

The last assailant standing sent a few more spells their way, but he was too outnumbered. He created a distraction as he set fire to the awning of the bookshop behind them before Apparating away from the scene. James wondered if they had left behind their fallen colleagues, but there was another crack, and he suspected at least one more had escaped. He watched Frank Longbottom put out the small fire before hurrying toward the area where their attackers had been.

"All clear, Prongs," said Remus, kneeling beside him. "Lily, how bad is it?"

James glanced up at Lily. She was watching Frank, but her eyes were distant and glassy. "Hey Evans," he said, forcing his voice to sound light. "A little help down here would be appreciated."

She shook herself and bent down. James could see her shaking now as the adrenaline left her abruptly weak and exhausted; he remembered the feeling well from previous battles. She took a deep breath. "Worse than Christmas, Remus. He's hit his head hard. We need to keep him flat when we Apparate him." She conjured a long wooden board, then motioned to Remus that they should carefully move him over. James felt an excruciating pain in his head as he was levitated mere inches to the board, but bit his tongue to avoid saying anything. He didn't mention his wrist either.

"Do a Side-Along with the board," she said, standing. Alice Longbottom was covering them while Frank scouted the street for more Death Eaters. "I'll follow."

James reached up with his good hand. "Lily." She turned toward him, and he knew she was about to break down, only she didn't want him to see it, that's why she wasn't going with him. He gave her a crooked grin and hoped she knew that he understood--perfectly. He had vomited after his first real battle in the Order, and not from injury. "You were brilliant," he told her. "Thanks."

She just nodded; her lower lip was quivering. Remus glanced from her to James, and James simply nodded; no words were needed. Remus stood and said something quietly to Alice, who joined James instead. "Let's get you to St. Mungo's," she said gently. She took the sides of his board and prepared to Apparate.

The last thing James saw was Remus putting his arms around Lily as she finally broke down in tears. He wished he could be the one holding her, but he finally let himself drift into unconsciousness as Alice whisked him away to safety, hoping Lily would soon follow.

* * *

Chapter Six - And Yet So Far

He awoke in dark silence, sensing rather than seeing Sirius's steady presence somewhere nearby. He didn't know where he was or what he was doing there, but his head hurt like nothing he had ever experienced before, so he didn't open his eyes, didn't even move.

"Padfoot?" he called, and he felt a warm, rough hand against his own. "What the hell happened? Did we go out drinking again?"

"Not exactly," Sirius replied with a biting laugh. "You're at St. Mungo's this time."

"Again?" James groaned and laid his arm against his forehead; even that hurt, for it was by far the worst headache he had ever had. "I hate waking up in hospitals all the time."

"You do seem to spend an unusual amount of time in these lovely places," Sirius said, and James could not miss the dry sarcasm in his friend's voice. "You should do something about that."

"Like what?" James asked. "Never leave the house?"

"It's a start." There was silence, and James chanced opening his eyes. The dim light of his hospital room burned, and he squinted as his eyes adjusted. Sirius handed him his glasses, but the room still seemed a bit blurry until he blinked a few times.

"Thanks. Now I'll ask again--what happened? Or have I gone back in time to Christmas?"

"You were attacked," Sirius began, and James snorted because that much was obvious. He ignored the unusually sober tone to his friend's voice.

"Who did it this time? Was anyone hurt?"

"Yes, you," said Sirius. "And it was your new friend Iain Travers."

James struggled to turn his head toward the sound of Sirius's voice, though his entire body felt sore. "From the restaurant?"

"Ah, you remember that much, at least." Sirius was sitting in a chair next to his bed, arms crossed over his chest, his legs kicked out in front of him. "Do you know what day it is?"

"It's--" James trailed off. He remembered the battle at the restaurant, remembered the meeting the next day: everything else was a blank. "It's Tuesday?" he asked, knowing he was probably wrong and beginning to feel nervous deep in the pit of his stomach.

"No," replied Sirius. "It's Friday. Which means we've spent the last three days waiting for you to get up off your arse and remember what the hell happened." He raised an eyebrow. "And you missed Valentine's Day."

"I did?" James whispered. "But I don't remember anything."

Sirius stood and started pacing; he was obviously agitated about something, though James was at a loss to guess what, since he couldn't remember anything that had happened for the past three days.

"Fortunately for you," Sirius said, now standing at the foot of the bed, "it isn't unusual for someone in your state to forget what put them in the hospital. So I'll tell you." He took a deep breath and plunged on. "You left the Order meeting on Tuesday night with Evans. You walked her back to her flat. You were attacked. You hit your head. Evans saved your arse. Moony helped. You've been out of it ever since."

James stared at him, at first a bit too stunned to reply--both to the grim news and the tone of voice Sirius delivered it in. It was almost as if Sirius were angry with James for not remembering, when clearly he had been injured fairly badly. Then his own misplaced anger surfaced, and he struggled to sit up. Sirius watched him with a skeptical smirk on his face, until James gave up and glared right back from his pillows.

"Why are you so pissed off at me?" he finally demanded. "It's not like I knocked myself out."

"No, you didn't knock yourself out," Sirius snapped. "You took a blow to the head that put you in a coma for the three days. A coma, James. Not just a few Stunners this time."

"It's not my fault," James started, but Sirius cut him off, his anger too hot.

"You could have died, Prongs. Dead. Gone." He started pacing again. "Do you know what it's been like, waiting for you to open your eyes, give us some sort of sign that you were even still in there? Do you?"

"Dammit, Sirius, stop acting like I did it on purpose!" James exclaimed. "I'm sorry! I don't even remember what happened--"

"You were injured," said a voice at the doorway. "That's enough for now."

James's father stood there, and he looked ten years older than he had when James had gone to visit the house before the meeting. Had he done this to his father, aged him so quickly? Was he just as angry as Sirius, only keeping it inside for the moment?

"Welcome back to the land of the living, son," Harrington said as he came into the room. He still walked tall and strong, but his face was so haggard--he must not have closed his eyes for three days. All while James lay in bed, doing nothing but sleeping. He suddenly understood why Sirius was so upset--he saw the answer in his father's face--and felt a terrible guilt for putting them through such a thing.

"I'm sorry," he started, but his father waved him off as he came to stand beside Sirius, placing a hand on Sirius's arm as if to calm him.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, James," he said. "In spite of what this one here might have to say about it. It's just his way of letting you know he was pretty damn worried about you."

Sirius tried to give Harrington Potter a withering look, but the older man stared him down until Sirius looked away, blowing out his breath with a laugh. "Okay, fine. I was worried. I didn't mean to take it out on you." He grinned then, suddenly back to normal. "But wait until Evans gets a hold of you."

"Lily?" asked James, and bits of that night started to come back. "I remember walking out with her…is that when it happened?"

His father nodded, and James sat up straighter in spite of the pounding in his head. "Merlin's beard, is she all right? Where is she? Was she hit? Did she--"

He was cut off from any more rambling by his father, who actually waved his hand to get James's attention. "She's fine, James. She's perfectly safe."

"Then where is she? Can I see her?" He stopped as a vague half memory started to form. "Or does she not want to see me again?" He had kissed her. He remembered that now. He had kissed her and turned away, and that's when he had been hit.

He almost laughed out loud at the utter ridiculousness of it: it was as if the universe had punished him for daring to try again. When neither his father nor Sirius replied, James let himself fall back against the pillows. "Of course she doesn't want to see me," he muttered. "She's made that clear three times now. Never mind."

He didn't miss the look that his father flashed at Sirius; he knew exactly why Sirius coughed and began to back toward the door. "I'll let the Healers know you're awake, Prongs. They'll want to poke and prod you a bit, I expect."

"Brilliant," James replied under his breath, not really caring. His father was silent until Sirius left, then sat down in the chair next to the bed and leaned forward.

"Lily saved your life out there," he started. James immediately stopped him.

"Are you trying to make me feel guilty too? Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was injured and that I couldn’t protect her and that everyone had to sit around for three days and worry and that--"

"Stop babbling, James," said his father, his voice unusually stern. "Just let me finish."

James shrugged in response, feeling very much like a sullen, young teenager again.

"Lily did extremely well out there, James. And I heard that she fought admirably at the restaurant with you." He paused, as if thinking about his words. "She's had a bit of an induction by fire into your Order, James. She's handled it with great strength, all things considered."

"Why are you telling me all this?" James asked, confused and begrudging at the same time. He knew his father was right, yet couldn't understand what he was working toward.

"My point is that Lily seems a bit overwhelmed right now. I think she needs some time to think things through."

"Think what through?" James shook his head, but it hurt, and he swore under his breath that a movement he had always taken for granted would cause such pain. "And how do you know all this?"

"I talked with her," Harrington replied honestly. "About quite a number of things, including you. She's spent most of the last three days in here waiting for you to wake up. I finally sent her home this morning."

James knew there was more and waited for it. If Lily had talked to his father, had she told him they had kissed? Had she told him she didn't want to see James again? Was that why she wasn't there now, talking to James?

"She seems a bit confused, son." His father sighed. "I think she probably needs some time."

James just stared at his father as if he had grown another head. The implication was clear: don't talk to Lily, don't even think about her. For his entire life, Harrington Potter had been supportive of James…and now, for some reason, James felt like that was gone, lost.

Sirius had yelled at him almost as soon as he had regained consciousness, and now his dad was telling him to give Lily some time--obviously time away from him. Though he knew it was a childish thought, James couldn't help but feel picked on. He was lying in a hospital bed yet again, and they were giving him nothing but a hard time.

And to top it off, he was supposed to forget about Lily for now. Apparently kissing her again had been a mistake; he was beginning to think the same thing about joining the Order.

"Dad, I'm tired," he said abruptly, and he rolled over, turning away. "I think I'll sleep some more, let my head recover."

His dad stood to leave. "Rest easy, James," he said from the doorway. "But don't get too worked up. It's not what you think."

James heard the door close behind him and screwed his eyes shut to both block out the light and hold back the tears. He was alive, he would recover: what did he have to be upset about? He should be grateful to be doing so well after such a serious injury.

He might not remember what had happened, but he remembered kissing Lily, and he remembered the look on her face when he had. He had asked Lily a question, and it was obvious now the answer was no.

Again.

* * *

He did not see her the rest of that day, nor did she come see him the next. He did spend quite a bit of time sleeping--when various Healers weren't constantly checking on him, testing his eyes and his ears and his reflexes, even a bit of his magic. It was possible she had stopped by while he was asleep, but he doubted it, and he felt his mood sink lower and lower.

Just about everyone else came to see him--Sirius, Remus, Peter, even Dumbledore and a few other members of the Order. Frank Longbottom poked his head in to let him know they had captured and questioned one of their attackers, a man named Felix Gibbon. Apparently Voldemort was extremely upset that his plot at the restaurant had not gone as planned, and he blamed James and Lily as the first ones there.

James asked him if Lily were safe, and Frank nodded, telling him she had refused Order protection but was aware of the risk when she went out. James asked about Gideon as well, and Dorcas Meadowes, who had killed one of the Death Eaters in the restaurant. Gideon was on alert, and Dorcas was safe at home, still recovering; Caradoc spent as much time as he could standing guard for now.

James slept after that, and when he woke, Remus was there, sitting in the chair and reading the Daily Prophet. He smiled as James sat up, groggily rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Good morning," said Remus, sounding far too upbeat considering the situation. James gave him a withering look, and Remus laughed.

"It can't possibly be morning," James grumbled. "It was just lunch time."

"You're right," he replied cheerfully. "It's almost time for dinner. Even you can't sleep that long."

"I'm bored, that's all," James replied, as if Remus were accusing him of being lazy. "I want to get out of here."

"I think you'll be free to go in the morning," Remus said. "At least, that's what Lily said."

"She was here?" James demanded. "When?"

He was fairly certain his friend's eyes were twinkling and hated Remus for it. "She was here most of the afternoon. You were sleeping quite soundly--peaceful as a baby, really."

"Why didn't you wake me?" James asked, almost groaning at having missed her, and slightly embarrassed to know she had been watching him sleep. He was fairly certain he'd had a nightmare about the night he had been hit, as if the memory was trying to make itself known through his dreams.

"She knows how important it is for your to rest and recover." He shrugged; apparently he did not want to talk about her, just like his father. "There's someone else who would like to see you, though."

James frowned. "Who?"

"Orsino is awake." Remus stood and moved toward the bed. "If you're up to it, we can walk down there."

James just stared at him, strangely reluctant. He had asked after the Squib owner several times and was glad to know he was recovering and even awake now. Yet he wasn't sure he wanted to see him; really, he simply wanted to get out of St. Mungo's as soon as possible and hide out at home until his headache went away…as well the countless number of confusing thoughts and feelings continuously coursing through his body, including his growing sense of guilt.

"I don’t feel up to it," he grumbled, closing his eyes and hoping Remus would let it drop. Moody's words at the meeting came back to him, that the attack at the restaurant shouldn't have happened in the first place. They should have stopped it. The logical part of his brain knew this was wrong, that they had done the best they could with the information they had known--Dumbledore had even said so--yet he couldn't help still thinking it, feeling it. Moody had planted the idea, and now, faced with actually seeing Orsino after the man had lost so much in the attack, James felt his guilt even more. He embraced it, because it felt like the right thing to do: it was his fault--all of it, including the attack on him and Lily.

Sometimes Remus was uncannily perceptive. He looked down at James with an understanding look on his tired face; had he been as worried as Sirius, as his father? "It's not your fault," Remus said. "What happened at the restaurant, to Orsino--none of it."

James shrugged his answer, and Remus sighed as if frustrated.

"It's not. Don’t mind what Moody said, he was being an arse. You know that, even Dumbledore called him on it." His voice took on an insistent tone. "I've already talked to Lily about this, and I don't want to go through it again. It wasn't your fault."

James finally met his eyes and gave him a challenging look in return. "It's my fault I'm lying here in bed. My fault Lily doesn't want to talk to me. Did you talk to her about that?"

Remus's face darkened; it was the "James-you're-being-a-prat" look he knew so well from school. "As a matter of fact, no, I didn't. But that's just about the biggest pile of rubbish I've heard from you in a while. How is this your fault?"

"They were getting back at us for what happened in the restaurant," James replied evenly. "Dumbledore even said it might happen. And maybe if I'd been paying more attention that night, I would have seen something, or heard something--could have done something, instead of just getting myself knocked out."

Remus was nodding slowly, though he was no longer frowning; James could tell his friend was exasperated. "So never mind that it was dark and snowing, or that you were exhausted and ambushed--it's still your fault you were attacked by Death Eaters. How again?"

"I kissed her!" James exclaimed, feeling like he needed to confess it. Remus didn't look surprised, so Lily must have told him. James wondered what she had said, but put it from his mind as he pressed on. "If I hadn't let my thoughts run away with thinking that I maybe, just maybe, might have had another chance with her, I might have stopped the attack from happening, could have protected her…what is it?"

Remus was smirking, which he did not do very often; that was more of Sirius's specialty. "Lily came out of it far better than you did, Prongs," he pointed out.

"Don't remind me," James said, rolling his eyes.

"So it's not your head that's hurt so much as your pride?" asked Remus, sounding as innocent as possible. James shook his head, though it still hurt to do so, and he grimaced.

"No, that's not it at all. I'm grateful for what she did, really. It was amazing. It's just…" He flailed his arms in the air, unable to articulate in the end what it was: it was that confusing. In short, he felt like a failure, but it was much more complicated than that.

Remus placed a hand on his shoulder. "You'll figure it out. I know you will."

"If she ever talks to me," James muttered.

"She's not avoiding you," Remus started, but James stopped him.

"My dad said she needed time to think. To think about what? What a prat I've been? Again? Why do I keep doing this?" He let his head sink back against the pillows, eyes closed. He wasn't really expecting an answer, but after a moment, Remus spoke.

"Because you love her."

"It doesn't matter anymore. I could have got us both killed."

Remus was silent for a long time. James opened one eye and saw Remus studying him very pensively. "What?" he demanded again, feeling defensive.

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself." Remus marched over to the side of the bed and pulled off the covers. "Get up. We're going to see Orsino. You're going to let him thank you for what you did at the restaurant. You're going to accept his gratitude. You're going to walk about and get some fresh air, and then in the morning you are going to go home and start putting your head back on straight."

He literally started to pull James out of bed. James stumbled a bit, his head still pounding. When he put his hand to his temple to quell the insistent throbbing, Remus stopped and handed him a goblet. "Here. Take this. The Healers said it would help with the pain. But they also said you are perfectly fine and need to get out of bed."

"I doubt it," James said, but he took the goblet and gulped it down. He glanced around for a robe and nodded his thanks as Remus handed him something to cover himself with.

"You're right--I'm the one who says you need to get out of bed. You hit your head, you didn't break a leg. Let's go." Remus turned away and opened the door; his face was set.

"Tough love, Moony," James murmured as he followed obediently into the hallway.

"It's only because I care," Remus returned. "About both of you."

James did not completely understand Remus's cryptic remark, but walked slowly down the corridor to see Orsino anyway. He was a bit sluggish and somewhat dizzy at times, but it did feel good to get out of bed and out of his room. He felt his anxiety begin to subside and guessed the goblet had held a bit of Calming Draught as well as a basic pain potion. He was glad: it took the edge from his guilt and allowed him to see that Remus was right.

He needed to stop feeling sorry for himself before he could get his head on straight again and try, once more, to move on.

* * *

Chapter Seven - Encouraged

James had been in St. Mungo's for five days and was more than ready to go home. The Healers had declared him fit: the blow to his head had left no side effects other than a headache that subsided more each day, and the fact that he still didn't remember everything about the attack. At night he seemed to relive it in his dreams, but when he awoke, it was as hazy as ever.

Something niggled at the back of his mind, though. Something about Lily, something she had said or done. He felt like it was important, something he needed to remember because it must mean something, yet he could not pin it down. It was frustrating, and more than anything he wanted to retreat and recover and try to stop thinking about it. He wanted everything to go back to normal, to before she had walked back into his life.

He left first thing Sunday morning. His father insisted he stay the night in his old room at the house, and so he spent the day with his father. Harrington Potter had managed to catch up on his own rest now that he knew his son was recovering and looked remarkably better than he had when James had first woken up. James was glad, because it had been yet another thing weighing on his conscience, that he had had been the cause of such worry for his father.

They talked and played chess and listened to the wizarding wireless. James slept most of the afternoon and woke to find that his father had cooked his favorite meal for dinner. After dinner they sat in front of the fire, James staring into the flames, his father reading the latest book in a popular series about a wizarding detective who worked in the Muggle world.

As he always had, Harrington turned in early, leaving James alone in the sitting room. Yet he wasn't tired, not after the long nap he'd had. He glanced outside and saw that it was snowing again; grabbing a warm cloak, he quietly let himself onto the back porch, thinking it would be nice to get some fresh air while enjoying the peaceful night.

He stood at the railing, gazing out at the small woods behind the house and the pond where he had gone swimming as a boy. There were tracks in the new snow, and he let his eyes follow them until he saw the faint outline of a deer at the edge of the trees, and his heart clenched in his chest.

He had missed the full moon the previous week, but Peter had stayed with Remus, making sure he was safe during the night and cared for when he returned to his human form the following morning. Yet staring out at the woods, with the waning moon just barely glowing through the clouds, James suddenly wondered: could he still transform? The Healers at St. Mungo's had said everything about him was fine, unaffected by his injury. Yet they did not know he was a secret Animagus. What if he had lost that, somehow?

It was such a part of him that he wasn't sure what he would do if he could no longer transform into a stag. He did not do it nearly as often as they had in school, when even though the moon wasn't full, sometimes he and Sirius would transform and run together across the grounds, into the forest, even through Hogsmeade. In fact, it had been almost three months since he had last transformed. Yet it was something he did not wish to lose: the stag was as much a part of him as his messy hair and glasses now.

James considered waiting until Sirius or Remus were around to help him should anything go wrong, but he did not want to wait. He needed to be absolutely sure he could still do it. It occurred to him that if his injury had left any unseen repercussions behind, the transformation could go horribly wrong. At that moment, though, he didn't really care. He had been doing absolutely nothing for over five days and was feeling slightly reckless, if he admitted it. What could go wrong, really? They'd mastered the spell as fifth-years, after all, and had survived many failed attempts before that.

Stepping out onto the snow-covered grass, James glanced around to be sure no one might see him, particularly his father. Harrington would certainly make him register, and for some reason, James had come to hold dear the secret he shared with only his three closest friends. It was their bond, something only they knew about him. He did not want to share it with anyone else, and he certainly did not want the entire wizarding world to know.

The snow was still falling and a chill breeze whipped his cloak around his ankles. Closing his eyes, James concentrated on that odd thought, the idea that he could become a stag simply by willing it. And as he concentrated, he felt his body shifting form, his thoughts growing more instinctive. Wizards kept their own minds in Animagus form, yet the animal's instincts were still there, woven into the very nature of the beast. As he stomped a hard hoof in the snow, he felt the need to run, and bounded off into the trees.

He ran and ran, knowing he would likely pay for it in the morning, but relishing the opportunity to run off all the worry and anxiety and guilt. The cold air blowing across his pelt and the snow against his hooves was positively exhilarating after being cooped up inside by the fire all day.

He did not see the deer he had spotted from the porch, but leapt over a rabbit's burrow and past a large possum slowly lumbering through the woods. An owl hooted at him from a nearby tree and seemed to follow him as he ran. He stopped in a small glade to joyfully kick up the snow, then decided to head down to the pond for a drink. It was frozen, but a quick kick with his front foreleg set a crack in the ice that let his sip at the water flowing out. His human mind rebelled at the thought of drinking dirty pond water, but his animal mind was too thirsty to resist.

Glancing up at the house, James saw someone standing on the porch steps, gazing around the grounds. His father? What was he doing out this late, in the cold snow? Even though there was no way he could possibly know his son was the deer--there had always been deer in the forest, after all--James quickly bounded back into the woods, then circled around and poked his head out to see if he was still there, still sitting.

Only he saw clearly now that it wasn't his father, it was Lily--and she was staring right at him.

He almost ran off the other direction, such a mindless panic gripped him. What was she doing there, so late at night? Was she waiting for him? Why? How much had she seen?

Stepping into the shadows of a tree, James transformed back into his human self, straightening his cloak and running a hand through his hair, sure there were leaves stuck in it (there weren't.) As he took several calming breaths, his father's enigmatic words at the hospital came back to him: It's not what you think. Don't get all worked up.

The run in the woods had settled his mind considerably. Since he had no idea why Lily was there, he was going to go to her without any assumptions for once. He would not get his hopes up, that she was there for any reason but to check on his health, yet he wouldn't think the worst either, that she was there to answer his last question to her with one final, damning rejection. For now, it was a chance for him to finally see her and thank her for saving his life that night. He owed her that; she owed him nothing after what he had done.

She turned toward him in surprise when she saw him step out of the trees, but as James walked closer, he saw that she was smiling. It made him feel slightly more at ease, the open look on her face, and the fact that she took several steps toward him and threw her arms around his neck before he reached the porch. She was warm, as if she had not been outside for long.

"I'm so glad you're home, and you're all right," she said as she stepped back. Her cheeks were slightly pink, but he wasn't sure if it was the night air or if she were blushing.

"Thanks," he replied, and he smiled back because although he was skeptical and even though he knew he shouldn't think those things about her, her smile warmed his heart. He thought he would still feel resentful that she had not come to visit him earlier, but he found that at that moment, he didn't . He just wanted to talk to her, thank her, apologise…and move on.

"Did you get my message?" she asked.

"No," he replied, slightly confused. "When did you send it?"

"I sent an owl on my dinner break," she replied, frowning. "I knew you were at your father's house so I'm sure I sent him here and not to the flat…" She trailed off as a small snowy white owl landed on his shoulder with a note attached to its leg. They both laughed.

"How odd," she murmured. "I told him to take it to you at your father's house. He should have been here already."

"And he tried, only I've been out for a…walk," James replied. He handed her the owl, and she clucked a few words at it and sent it on its way. "So I guess you can deliver your message in person."

"The message was that I wanted to come by and visit," she laughed. "Only when I didn't hear from you, I decided to come anyway and make sure you were all right." She paused and studied his face. "Are you? You look cold. I'm not sure why you're out in the snow in your condition…" She trailed off again as he shook his head.

"I'm fine," he replied. "Really. I slept all afternoon and just needed some fresh air." He gave her a questioning look. "The bigger question is what are you doing here so late?"

She shrugged. "It's not that late. And I would have come earlier, only I just missed you at St. Mungo's this morning and I had to work all day. I got off my shift a little while ago." She looked suddenly apprehensive. "I hope that's all right. I mean, if you need to rest some more, I can leave."

"No," he said firmly, taking her by the arm and guiding her back toward the house. "It's great. I'm glad you came."

"Really?" she asked, and he felt her body relax as she linked her arm with his; he glanced down, slightly surprised, but she did not seem to notice his reaction. "I was sure you would be angry at me because I hadn't been able to see you yet."

He had been angry. However irrational, it had bothered him. He had almost convinced himself that she was avoiding him, that she never wanted to see him again. Yet here she was, and he couldn't be mad at her, not anymore. So he said so.

"I was," he admitted. "But I know you did, only I was asleep every time."

She gave him a sly sideways grin. "Yes, I did, sleepyhead. Good, I'm glad someone told you I hadn't just abandoned you."

"Like last time," he murmured, unable to resist. She sighed, and he immediately felt bad for even mentioning it.

"No, not like last time. Although, you weren't around for quite so long in December." They reached the stairs and went up onto to the porch. "But can we talk about that some other time, James?"

He nodded, regretting his choice of words. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have even brought it up. But what brings you by tonight? Is everything all right? Frank said you knew to be careful…"

Now it was his turn to trail off as she rolled her eyes at him. "Yes, I know, and I am," she replied. "I just wanted to see you."

He leaned closer, her words giving him the smallest bit of confidence. "Would you like to come in, then? I'll make us some hot chocolate."

Her face melted into a happy smile, and he felt his heart skip a beat that such a simple question could do that to her. "I would love to. Thank you, James."

They went inside, stomping off the snow from their cloaks and shoes. James set about gathering what he needed while Lily sat down at the kitchen table, rubbing her hands together to get warm. "Thank you for coming by," he said as he began to heat up some milk and take out the chocolate. "I've really wanted to talk to you."

He sensed her tense, but decided he wasn't going to say anything about the kiss--nothing to make her uncomfortable, even if a part of him still wanted an answer to the question he had asked her before being hit. "I don't remember much about what happened, but I know you saved my life. Thank you."

She breathed a sigh of relief and smiled. "You're welcome. I told you I would protect you."

He snorted, somehow in spite of himself refusing to let it wound his pride. She was strong and he knew it: it was why he loved her so much. He was lucky to know her, to call her a friend, to have someone like her by his side when he had been hit. So he put aside any other feelings and nodded, clinging hard to his sense of honor instead.

"Yes, you did say that. I remember." He turned and handed her a mug of warm chocolate milk, then sat down across from her. "I wish I could remember how you did it."

Not it was her turn to shrug, and he was fairly certain he saw the faint blush of embarrassment on her cheeks this time. "A few Shield Charms, a Body Bind curse--no big deal. I was just glad to hold them off until Remus arrived with Frank and Alice."

"You sent a Patronus message?" he asked, even though Remus had told him that at some point. He hadn't said anything else about it, only that he had still been at Headquarters with Frank and Alice when it arrived.

"Yes," she replied, wrapping her hands around the mug and taking a sip. "You really don't remember?" When he shook his head, she continued. "You made a funny comment when you saw it."

"I was half-conscious," he laughed. "What did I say?"

"You said I was in trouble," she replied, looking him directly in the eye. He sensed she was challenging him, or maybe…flirting?

"And why did I say that?" James asked, curiously leaning closer. She leaned closer as well, and he almost felt like they were back in school, playing the game they had played for so many years before finally admitting their real feelings for one another.

"It was corporeal," she said very quietly. He nodded and leaned back, not wanting to be tempted to kiss her again.

"Good for you," he replied with a genuine smile, even though that niggling feeling from earlier in the evening was back. He had missed something, he knew.

"But you don't remember what it was?" she asked, sounding both amused and disappointed.

"I don't," he said. "I'm sorry, but I don't remember much of anything after I got hit."

For a moment it looked like she was going to tell him, but then she shook her head and smiled. They sat in silence for a few moments, sipping their hot chocolate, and James was once again surprised at how comfortable it was to simply sit with her, regardless of how she felt about him. He didn't want to ruin anything, but he decided he still needed to apologize. He cleared his throat, and she looked up, green eyes meeting his expectantly

"Look, Lily…I'm sorry." She opened her mouth to protest, but he held up his hand and stopped her. "No, let me. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you that night, that I went down so quick and so hard and you had to do everything yourself. I wish more than anything I'd been able to fight back, to help you--"

"I'm fine," she interjected, but he kept going.

"And I'm sorry I kissed you, because I think that's why--"

She leaned across the table and put a finger to his lips; he vaguely remembered her kicking him that night, when he had tried to apologize because he had thought, for a fleeting moment, that they might not make it. Feeling her gentle touch against his face was much better. He tried not to shiver.

"Don't apologize, James," she said. "For any of it. I don't regret anything."

"You don't?" he asked, completely skeptical. "Even the--"

"Even that," she replied firmly, and her hand left his face to curl around his fingers on the table. "There's a lot to talk about, James," she said, her voice quiet and her eyes downcast for a moment. When she lifted them and gazed into his face once more, they were blazing. "But I'd like to talk about it…about us."

"Us?" he parroted, sounding rather stupid to even his own ears.

She let go of his hand and sat back. "It's late. How about dinner tomorrow? You did miss Valentine's Day, you know."

He groaned, ignoring the remark about Valentine's Day, because what did it mean to her, to them, anyway? "Lily, you can't say something like that and expect me to wait that long."

"It's not what you think," she murmured as she stood, and now he was sure he saw a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. "Don't get all worked up."

"That's what my dad said," he replied, standing with her. She began to pull on her boots, her cloak, and her scarf. "But he also said I should give you some time, some space. I didn't expect you to ask me to dinner."

She frowned as she paused. "Time for what?"

"To think things through. What, he didn't say. He just said the same thing--that it wasn't what I thought."

"Hmm." She pulled on her gloves. "I have thought things through quite a bit over the last few days. You're father is a wise man, James. You should listen to him. And you should rest."

He rolled his eyes, trying not to feel patronized yet again. "Right. So where would you like to have dinner tomorrow for this talking that is supposed to take place?"

"I know a nice Italian restaurant," she said, and she smiled, though he could tell she was slightly nervous he might turn her down now.

"Even after what happened at Orsino's?" he asked, both curiously and with a skeptical edge to his tone. Again, it was not what he would have expected.

"That's exactly why," she said. "Although it's a Muggle restaurant with no connection to magic at all." She paused and looked down as if slightly embarrassed. "I really enjoyed eating at Orsino's. I'd like to go back when he's got it up and running again."

He tried not to add a 'with you' at the end of her sentence, but he couldn't help it. Just as quickly, he pushed it out of his mind: just because she wanted to go back, didn't mean she wanted to go back with him. He should just be glad she wanted to go out at all the following night and not start thinking of the future already.

"That sounds great," he replied. "Although…do you think it's safe? I mean, they've targeted us once…" He trailed off as the implication of his unfinished sentence hit him: it had been him and Lily who had essentially stopped the attack at Orsino's from turning out any worse than it had. It had been him and Lily who had then been attacked the next day because of it. If they were to go out, would it happen again?

The thought of continuously looking over his shoulder, afraid to go out, hit him hard. He had jokingly said something to Sirius about never leaving the house, and it occurred to him that it might just be reality one day. A rush of sadness--almost despair--surged through his body, leaving him dizzy; he sat down heavily in his chair, feeling oddly light-headed. Maybe it was his injury, maybe it was his run. Either way, Lily hurried over, looking upset. She knelt down in front of him.

"James?" she asked, and he blinked to focus on her. "Are you all right?"

"Just tired," he said, and it was true: the night was catching up with him, as well as the thought that the consequences from the previous week's events would linger far longer than he had anticipated. "And a little unsettled about having to watch my back everywhere I go now."

She nodded and took his hand. "I know. I am too. But Dumbledore said we can't avoid going out because of it. He said we need to live our lives just as we normally would, with simply an eye for detail, as he put it."

James snorted and sat up straighter. "I bet he did. That sounds exactly like something he would say." He stopped and raised an eyebrow at her. "Did you actually ask him if we could go out together?"

Lily nodded unapologetically. "I did. I had the same thought you did, about being attacked again. But then I talked to Dumbledore, and your father, and decided it was worth the risk."

"The risk?" James asked. "What's worth the risk?"

She leaned forward and kissed him lightly on the lips, just enough to make his eyes go wide before she stood once more, smiling down at him. "Being with you."

"Lily, I--"

"Get some rest, James," she said, turning and heading toward the door. He forced himself to follow, but stopped himself from reaching out to grab her hand and demand an explanation. He couldn't have processed it anyway: his head was swimming and his legs felt like lead.

She stopped at the door and smiled at him once more. "I'm glad you're doing better. I'll see you tomorrow at the Leaky Cauldron."

He just nodded as she stepped out onto the porch and down into the snow. Then she turned and gave him the same sly grin she had flashed him once or twice already. "You really don't remember anything that happened that night?" she asked.

"Just vague thoughts and feelings," he replied, stepping out onto the porch. "I feel like I'm forgetting something important, something that really meant something."

"Hm," she replied. "Maybe you are." She raised her wand and cast a spell. A cloud of silver shot from the tip and began to coalesce into a shape. He watched in fascination as that shape took a very familiar form…a deer…

A silver doe.

"Good night, James," she called as she stepped around and Apparated home with a tiny pop. He stared at the doe, at the spot where she had just stood, then back at the doe. The silver Patronus began to dissolve.

Shaking his head, he turned back inside, his heart fluttering, his hands almost shaking as he locked the door behind him.

"Oh Potter, you're in trouble now," he murmured to himself, then laughed softly. Because he was: any attempt to forget about her and to move on was now completely and utterly lost in the shimmering glow of her Patronus. It must mean something, and his addled brain could only imagine one thing now.

Maybe there was hope after all.

* * *

Chapter Eight - Honesty

The next day dawned clear and cold. James woke up late after a restless night. He had tossed and turned until close to dawn, his mind endlessly trying to make sense of Lily's visit hours the previous night. At times he wondered if was a dream: had he really seen a silver doe? What did it mean? Did it mean anything at all or was he just searching for something that wasn't there?

When he finally came down to the kitchen, he found his father waiting with coffee and a late breakfast. He asked after James's night, and James confessed quickly that Lily had stopped by, knowing he would not be able to hide it from his father. Harrington nodded knowingly.

"I thought I heard someone talking last night," he said. "How did it go?"

"What do you mean, how did it go?" asked James, helping himself to some coffee as well. "We just talked, dad. That's all."

His father laughed as he set down his mug. "I certainly wasn't asking about that, James. No need to go there."

James just smiled and shook his head as he tucked into his breakfast. He felt his father studying him, however, and looked up when he could ignore it no longer.

"What?" he asked. "I told you, we just talked."

"I know," his father said. "But what did she want to talk about at such an hour?"

"She came after her shift--to check on me, I guess." James shrugged. His father continued to watch him curiously, until James set down his fork and addressed the issue. "Look, I know you said she needed some time to think things through, but she came to see me. I went for a walk, and when I came back she was standing on the porch. I made her some hot chocolate, and we talked."

"That's great, son." Harrington sipped at his coffee, but did not say anything as he watched James over the edge of the mug. That was what he did: with a simple, silent look, he had always been able to pull anything out of James, no matter how determined James was to resist. His mother had always peppered him with questions, but his father waited him out, his force of will demanding a response. James sighed, knowing it was a lost cause.

"We didn't talk about much, really," he told his father, hoping it would appease him. "She said it was too late. She wants to talk tonight at dinner."

Harrington nodded. "That's good. Where are you taking her, then?"

"I don't know," James replied. "She wanted to go to a Muggle restaurant. An Italian place."

"Ah." James was starting to feel annoyed. At the same time, given what his father had said about Lily, he did want his father's support. He decided, however, that he was not going to play the game, and just came straight to the point.

"Stop it, dad," he said. "Enough with the looks and all that. Just come out and ask whatever it is you want to ask."

"Actually, I don't really have anything," Harrington laughed. "I just like giving you a hard time."

"I'm too old for that," James grumbled amicably as he returned to his breakfast.

"You're never too old for your old man to give you a hard time." His father eyed him thoughtfully. "But I do wonder if you know what she wanted to talk about."

There it was: the very thing that had kept him up all night. James stopped once more and leaned back, raising his eyes to the ceiling. The dull headache he had felt since he had woken up in the hospital was almost gone, but he rubbed at the back of his head anyway to release the tension he felt after such a restless night. He talked to the ceiling.

"I'm not really sure, dad. She said she wanted to talk about us. But I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing." He brought his eyes back down. "Do you have any idea?" he demanded. "You said you talked to her quite a bit while I was in the hospital and you were all sitting around watching me sleep."

Harrington stood and poured himself more coffee. "I did, which was why I thought it was best for you to let her sort things out before you did anything."

"Like what?" James asked.

"Bring up that kiss," his father replied. "Or that ring you've been carrying around for months."

"I put it away at Christmas," James mumbled, slightly embarrassed that his father knew he'd carried the ring for so long.

"I'm glad you finally did. I was starting to get worried. But if it helps, James, I think it's a good sign she's come to see you first," his father offered.

"It doesn't help much, no," James replied, and he was silent. A sudden thought had occurred to him. "Dad, what was your Patronus? I don't know the last time I saw you conjure one."

His father looked surprised. "It's not something I've had to do in years. I've had no reason to cast that spell, fortunately enough."

"I remember you doing it a few times when I was younger," James said thoughtfully. "When I was scared of the dark. It was some sort of small animal, wasn't it?"

Harrington nodded. "It's a challenging spell, you know. I'm not sure I could still do it, but when I could, it was a fox."

James remembered the silver fox bounding about his room, and his father's tired smile afterward. It was a difficult spell, though James had always managed it fairly well. He needed to, as the Order used Patronuses to send messages. He considered his second question, his mind racing as he started to make connections he wasn't sure he should make yet.

"What was mum's?" he asked.

His father smiled, and the wistful look of remembering someone he loved and missed crossed his face. "She had no problems with the spell, but she didn't need to cast it much either. The few times she conjured one, it was a vixen."

James felt his face freeze. His parents had been happily married for decades. He knew it probably hadn't been perfect all those years, yet he also knew they had loved one another fiercely and that his father missed her terribly. They were soulmates, in every sense of the word…and apparently their Patronuses had reflected that as well.

He didn't want to think about what that meant for him and Lily. He shook his head of the very thought and returned to his breakfast. Perhaps it was just something unique to his parents. Either way, he needed to get back to his flat and talk to Sirius before that night.

"Why the lesson in magic, James?" his father asked him quietly. "Does it have something to do with what we were talking about earlier?" James nodded without looking up, and his father continued. "Then I hope I helped and didn't make it worse."

"No dad," James finally replied, glancing up with a crooked smile. "You didn't make it worse. Just a bit more confusing."

Harrington reached across the table and laid a hand on James's shoulder. "It always is, son. That's just the nature of love."

James sighed: he was tired of being confused. When he saw Lily that night, he hoped they could settle things between them once and for all.

* * *

James made sure to arrive early at the Leaky Cauldron that evening. He brought a single white flower that he Disillusioned as he waited so that he could surprise Lily with it at the right time. As he paced nervously in front of the pub, he thought back to his conversation with Sirius that afternoon…


"I don't know what to tell you, Prongs," Sirius said. "You two are more complicated than Transfiguration theory sometimes."

"That's not very helpful," James grumbled. "You saw her more than I did while I was in the hospital. What do you think she's going to want to talk about? Something good or something bad?"

Sirius was silent. "James, I really don’t want to get your hopes up…"

"They already are. Bring them down so I'm not disappointed." He waited patiently for his friend to reply. Sirius sighed.

"I can't. I think…well, I think she's come around." He paused and raised an eyebrow. "Again. Like she did last year after you kept badgering her."

"I didn't badger her," James protested. "And does that mean you think she wants to be with me again?" Sirius nodded, however reluctantly, and James pressed him. "Do you know that? Did she say something?"

"Merlin, James--she doesn't talk to me about that kind of stuff, you know that. She just seemed so worried. And she said things that make me think that yes, she wants to try again."

"What things?" he demanded, wanting to be sure, but Sirius threw up his hands in exasperation.

"I don't know what things exactly. Just things." He put his hands on James's shoulders as if to calm him. "Look, I'm sorry I said anything. Just relax."

"I can't relax," James practically exclaimed, feeling a bit wild around the edges. "I want to think you're right…because I saw something last night that makes me think so…but I also don't want to make another mistake." In the end, he did not tell Sirius about Lily's Patronus. For all he knew, it was possible Sirius was already aware of it. Remus had been the one to receive her message at Headquarters the night they were attacked, after all. He must have seen it, and even if he hadn't said anything to James, he certainly would have told Sirius and Peter. They were all probably just waiting to take the mickey at the right time.

"You've already botched it with her twice, what's another?" James punched him on the arm, and Sirius pretended to moan.

"Don't hit the messenger," he said. "You asked."

"And you're not helping."

"Okay, here's my advice: let her do the talking. And if you really want to be prepared for whatever she says…take the ring with you."

James let his mouth fall open in shock as he stared at his friend. "You do know something!"

Sirius laughed. "No, I really don't. I just think this might be it." He gave James a slightly embarrassed look. "I know I said to get over her a few weeks ago--I've even got us a date for next week, maybe Moony will be interested--but you've been through a lot with her recently. That kiss alone--"

"--knocked me flat on my arse," James pointed out.

"And she didn't leave you there, she stayed and protected you. She sat with you every day at the hospital." Sirius stopped to think again, then took a deep breath before continuing. "I know you still love her. I think this past week might have shown her that she still loves you as well."

"Bloody hell, Sirius, you're getting my hopes up." James couldn't help but grin, though. He knew he shouldn't take Sirius's advice on women most of the time, but he did anyway: it made him almost giddy to think of getting back together with Lily. He felt like Sirius might be right, and he couldn't help but think it had something to do with the silver doe, though he did not tell Sirius that.

"I know, I'm sorry," Sirius said. "I'm just being honest. And if I'm wrong, I'll kick myself for saying anything."

"I'll kick you too," James replied, then laughed. "But I'm not taking the ring with me. Even if she does want to get together again, that doesn't mean I can just propose out of the blue and live happily ever after. I can't take that risk again, that it's too soon to even think about it yet alone bring it up."

"Ever?" asked Sirius, sounding curious. "What if she is the one?"

James smiled as he thought about the silver doe. She was the one: he had always known that. He just hoped she did some day. "Then I want her to realize it herself, and not because I asked again and she couldn't say no."

"Good luck, then," Sirius replied. "I hope she realizes it soon."

The unsaid "Before it's too late" hung in the air, but James pushed it aside as he left to meet Lily for dinner…


"James?"

He turned at the sound of the voice calling his name to find Lily gazing at him curiously. "Hi." For some reason, that was all that came out; he shook himself out of his bemused reverie, and she frowned.

"Are you feeling all right?" she asked. "You look a bit…well, dazed."

He tried to smile reassuringly, but he did feel unusually anxious. Then again, he reminded himself, he had only been out of St. Mungo's for two days. He was still tired, still recovering. He had slept poorly the night before and had finally taken a pain potion when his headache had returned that afternoon. James took a deep breath and tried again.

"I'm fine," he told her. "I was just thinking."

She cocked her head curiously. "About what? Something good, I hope."

He laughed. "Not sure. Something Sirius said, and you know him."

She laughed with him and motioned toward the right. They started walking down Charring Cross Road together, and James felt his nerves begin to relax. He was in London with Lily and until he had a reason not to, he would enjoy his time with her.

"You're not going to tell me, are you?" she asked, almost sounding playful.

"Of course not," he replied, glancing sideways at her and matching the tone of her voice. She was wearing her brown cloak over a midnight blue dress with matching boots. Her hair was long and loose, and she looked beautiful. "It's probably not fit for sharing."

"I can believe that," she replied. "Oh well. I'll just have to wonder if it was about me, I suppose."

He rolled his eyes, then stopped, touching her arm so she stopped with him. "I almost forgot. This is for you." He held out the flower, still invisible. She gave him a skeptical look.

"Yes?" she asked after a moment. He grinned again, cast the silent spell he had been waiting for, and watched as the flower slowly revealed itself in his hands. She smiled broadly at him. "It's lovely!"

He bowed his head as he handed it to her, a ridiculous bit of pomp that his friends would certainly give him a hard time for, but he knew she liked it, and he wasn't trying to impress his friends, he was…well, he was trying to make Lily happy. He handed her the large white daisy.

"I know you like them," he replied. "I would have got you a lily--"

"Only you know I hate them." She laughed as she took the flower. "Thank you, James. Thank you for remembering."

"I couldn't forget," he murmured, turning away and continuing down the street with her. She linked her arm in his, and he tried not to jump in surprise. Merlin, he had missed walking with her, arm in arm or hand in hand. They hadn't had much time together at Hogwarts, but it all came crashing back with her touch, and he almost closed his eyes as he was overwhelmed by the memories of being with her.

"…just a few more streets over and we'll be there." She bumped him with her shoulder. "You still with me? Or are you worried about another attack?"

He hadn't thought about it once since they had left the pub and was filled with guilt as he glanced around the street, looking for threats. He nodded, even though it wasn't true, and Lily sighed.

"We should be fine," she murmured. "I set a Muggle-Repelling charm on us both as soon as we met outside the pub."

"That won't repel Death Eaters," he replied, glancing down at her. "And I didn't even feel it."

"I'm good at Charms," she replied with a wink. "And it's a variation--it will keep just about anyone from seeing us as anything other than a regular young couple out for a date. They'd have to be looking for us pretty hard to see otherwise."

"We're not a regular couple," he pointed out. "And are we on a date? I thought we were just going to talk." He affected an innocent air, even though his heart had sped up at the idea of actually being on a date with her again.

She glanced up at him, and he was certain she was going to roll her eyes, however affectionately, but instead they were very intense, very honest. "Yes, I'd like to think of it as a date. Our last several meals were more like working arrangements, and I'd like to enjoy this one a bit more."

"A date," he said, pretending to be thinking. He was forcing the confidence a bit, but then again, sometimes when you pretended you were confident, the confidence actually appeared. "I feel like I'm back in seventh year, Evans, and you've just agreed to go out with me."

"Biggest mistake I ever made," she laughed.

"You didn't have to say yes," he pointed out.

"How else was I going to stop you from bothering me all the time?" she asked.

He glanced down at her and grinned. "That was probably the only way. But it wasn't that bad, was it?"

The way she looked at him made his heart jump in his chest: she smiled and nodded, and laid her head on his shoulder.

"It wasn't that bad at all, James," she said very softly, and he held back a sigh, because he wanted to ask her why, then? Why had she left him, why had she refused to answer him not once, but twice now? But he didn't, and they walked in silence through the crowded Muggle streets, turning north toward a small square tucked into a quiet Muggle neighborhood.

"It's just the other side of the square," she said, straightening up and leading the way. It was a small, fenced in area, the previous night's snow trampled down by Muggles long since. There were several statues dotted about and a small quaint cottage in the center of the lawn. James was no stranger to Muggle London, but he had not been in that particular area, and he found it both picturesque and charming. There were park benches all around the square, and Lily led him to one not far from the cottage, sitting and pulling him down next to her.

"I like this area," she said, gazing about at the buildings both old and new surrounding the small square. "I thought about finding a place to live here, but it's dreadfully expensive, and it just didn't feel safe right now, even if it is relatively close to Diagon Alley."

James nodded, wondering why they had really stopped. "It's nice," he said, and plunged on. "But that's not why we're here, is it?"

She turned to him and smiled. "No, it's not. After that last comment, I couldn't stand it any longer. I wanted to talk to you before we got to the restaurant."

"All right," he said, letting her take the lead for once. "What are we talking about, exactly?"

She gazed at him for the longest time, her face a mixture of sadness and confusion and hesitation and affection. It frankly amazed him that she could feel so many things at once, but it was clear from the look in her eyes that she did, and he could tell she was having a hard time starting, especially after she gazed down at her hands for the third time.

So he reached over and tilted her chin up, very much tempted to kiss her but knowing he shouldn't…at least not yet. Maybe things would turn out that way, but if they didn't, he didn't want to regret yet another mistake with her. So he smiled at her instead, his heart thumping madly in his chest. "Tell me," he said gently.

She laid a hand to her cheek, caressing his fingers with her own, then intertwining them and laying them in her lap. "You're so patient," she said. "How can you be so patient?"

He laughed softly. "I'm faking it. I'm really bursting inside."

She nodded in understanding. "Me too. You know, it was one week ago that we were having dinner at Orsino's when it was attacked."

"Yes," he replied, mostly just to show he was listening.

"And then you got hit," she said, her voice even quieter, and now she was looking away from him. "I still can't get the image out of my head, of you laying there, so quiet, so still…" She met his look, her eyes bright with unshed tears. "I have never been so scared in my life, James."

He wondered if this were the first time she was addressing the two attacks, a full week later. He knew it was hard, those first skirmishes; it needed to be processed both physically and emotionally. He and Sirius had tried to get drunk after their first fight with Death Eaters once they were out of Hogwarts; they had failed, still too much in shock, and had ended up sitting around Headquarters with Moody all night listening to the old Auror tell tales that left them wide-eyed and thankful to be alive, and even more determined to continue the fight.

He knew Lily had talked to Dumbledore, and to his father, so surely she had at least started to deal with all that had happened in the past week. He squeezed her hand in support, wanting to be there for her in any way he could.

"I know how you feel," he said. "I felt the same way the first few times I was out there fighting. It's nothing like I thought it would be--" He stopped when she shook her head.

"No, that's not what I mean." She moved closer to him, their legs touching; he tried not to gaze down, but she was so warm against him he found it harder to concentrate. "I have never been so scared that I might lose you."

He glanced away, a lump in his throat. What was he supposed to say? Other than something trite along the lines of him having survived after all? He tried to be reassuring. "Lily, I'm all right now--"

"I was scared I might lose you," she repeated, "before I had the chance to tell you that I love you."

He inhaled sharply as he turned to face her. "What?"

"I love you," she whispered, biting her lip but smiling. "Or rather, I still love you. I'm sure I've never stopped because I've missed you so, so much. James, I'm --"

He stopped her before she could finish, taking her face in his hands and kissing her hard, unlike the gentle kiss outside of her flat before he had been hit. And this time she returned it with equal passion, closing her eyes and wrapping her arms around his neck, sending shivers all the way down his spine. He could stayed like that all night, content to kiss her forever under the cold stars, but eventually she pulled back and laid her forehead against his.

"James, I am so sorry," she said softly, and he stopped her again, this time by shaking his head.

"What are you talking about?" he asked. "What do you have to be sorry for? I'm the one who should be apologizing--"

She laughed, a warm, relaxed, and almost relieved laugh. "But you haven't done anything wrong. I'm the one who's treated you so badly these past six weeks. Sometimes I can't believe you even want to see me."

"Of course I want to see you, Lily," he exclaimed. "Why wouldn't I? What are you talking about?" he asked again. He was trying to understand, but his thoughts were still too stunned to really wrap his mind around what she was saying. Her blunt confession was more than he could have possibly hoped for, and he barely knew how to respond.

Lily took a deep breath, and he could tell she was determined to talk--really talk. And then he knew what she was finally going to tell him: why she had virtually ignored him at Christmas, why she hadn't answered his owls, or his questions since. Why she had changed her mind. He took her hand once more in support, silently encouraging her, and she smiled gratefully at him.

"When Remus brought you to St. Mungo's at Christmas, I didn't know what to think, what to feel," she began. "I hadn't seen you for so long, and then to see you hurt so badly--it was frightening."

"It wasn't much fun for me either," he murmured, but he gave her a smile to let her know he was teasing, and she continued.

"And then when you kissed me and asked for another chance…Oh James." She gazed at him with tears in her eyes. "I wanted to, I really did. But I was so scared. I didn't know what to say, what to do."

"Scared of what?" he asked, though he could probably guess. Why would she want to get involved with him again if she had already turned him down once? She had probably been worried about rejecting him again.

"I was scared of losing you," she said. "Forever. Don't you understand? I didn't want to say yes only to see you die in this damn war. I couldn't stand the idea. I didn't want to even think about it."

He nodded slowly, because it wasn't really what he had been expecting. Yet he could understand now why she had avoided him for so long after that fateful encounter at Christmas: sometimes the risk of getting hurt, of losing someone, was too great to overcome.

"So I tried not to think about what had happened, or about you," Lily continued, and now she was gazing into the distance, as if remembering those long weeks when he had sent owls, sent flowers, sent her birthday wishes. They had all been ignored. "But I couldn't," she finally whispered. "I wanted to be with you, I really did."

"Then why--" he started, and she shook her head to stop him.

"I thought about asking you to give up the Order, but I couldn't ask you to do that for me. I knew you wouldn't. So then I got angry. I was so mad, that you would risk your life for strangers and not protect it for me. I was furious at you for something that was all in my head," she finished with a rueful laugh.

"I would have done anything for you, Lily," he said, also staring into the distance. "I still would. You must know that."

"And you know I couldn't ask you to do something like that. So I was just as upset with myself for even thinking it as I was with you for not doing it. And I tried to stop thinking about it--about you, about us, about the Order and the war…only I couldn't."

James was silent as he thought about what she was implying. "Is that why you joined the Order?" he finally asked, slightly stunned when she nodded.

"It wasn't just you," she said quickly. "Caradoc was in and out of the hospital visiting his father, and he really helped me understand how important it was, what you were all doing. I was so scared of losing you and angry at myself for thinking you should quit that I finally realized the only thing I could do was join myself. Share the risk. Maybe make a difference so we could be together."

"Lily, I don't know what to say," James said, shaking his head once more. "I'm shocked. All this time I thought I'd messed up so badly that you never wanted to see me or talk to me again. And now you're saying you joined the Order because of me?"

"I joined the Order because I want to help," she said firmly. "And because I love you and want to share the risk with you, that someday we might not make it out alive. I want to fight by your side, James, because at least then we can be together."

His heart was beating wildly; he was still speechless as he looked away. After a few moments Lily turned his face to hers and kissed him gently on the lips. "I've been terrible at giving you straight answers lately," she said. "I hope that helps."

He nodded, still unable to speak. He had a dozen different questions that suddenly didn't seem to matter. He just wanted to kiss her once more and hold her and never let her go…

"But there are still some I haven't answered," she continued. "You asked me if I could honestly tell you that I didn't feel anything when we kissed outside my flat."

He let a small smile tug at the corners of his lips. "And?"

"And I can't tell you that, because I've felt it since the moment I saw you at the Order meeting two weeks ago," she replied. "I felt it that night, and every other time we were together. I feel it every time I'm with you, James."

"I never stopped feeling it," he said, his voice barely a husky whisper.

"I know. For some reason, you've never given up on me. I'm the luckiest girl in the world, I think." He snorted rather inelegantly, but she laughed and batted him on the shoulder. "No, I'm serious. You asked me for another chance once, and I never gave you an answer, yet you still waited. All this time."

"So do you have an answer for me now?" he asked playfully, knowing her answer. He couldn't help but turn and begin to kiss her ear, then her neck, and was rewarded when she squirmed beneath his touch.

"I would love another chance if it's not too late," she said, and she turned to kiss him once more, running her hands through his hair and across his shoulders, down his back and up his neck to his face again in the way he had loved so much at Hogwarts, had missed so much since. It was all he could do to stop from throwing her down on the bench right then.

"It's not too late," he murmured between kisses. "But we missed New Year's."

"And Valentine's Day," she added.

"There's still my birthday," he said, the ridiculous statement slipping out before he could stop it. She tried to stifle a giggle before they both exploded with laughter, chortling long and loud as the tension and relief poured forth in such an unexpected way. That was their night so far: unexpected.

"I'll plan something extra special," she promised when they finally caught their breath. "And James…about that other question…"

He frowned as she snuggled into his side, his arms wrapped warmly around her shoulders. "What other question?" he asked, trying to think of what she was referring to.

"The one you asked me on the last day of school," she replied, so quietly he could barely hear her. She did not turn to gaze up at him; instead, she traced patterns on his leg, as if too nervous to face him. Or maybe she was trying to seduce him right then and there, he wasn't sure.

"Oh." Shock, once more. "You don't mean, the one with the…by the lake…do you?"

"Yes, that one," she replied, and he could hear the smile in her voice. "The one with the ring. I just wanted to say I'm sorry I said no. Because it was a beautiful ring…and because I was wrong."

James felt a sudden stinging warmth on the side of his leg; it startled him so much he actually jumped up and reached into his the pocket of his trousers. Lily caught herself before falling over and stared at him, hand clasped to her mouth.

"Oh gods, I've said too much, too soon!" she exclaimed, and she stood with him, her face concerned. "I'm sorry--Merlin, I am really making a mess of this, aren't I?"

"No…no, it's okay," James said, and he couldn't help but grin. "It's not your fault--it was Sirius." He actually laughed out loud as he fingered the small gold ring that was in his pocket, still warm. It had probably burned a hole in his trousers and left a welt on his leg, but Sirius wouldn't have cared about that. He had told James to take it with him, just in case, and when James had refused, Sirius had obviously slipped it into his pocket somehow…and charmed it to get his attention, probably if anything about the ring or marriage came up as they talked.

Lily was eyeing him strangely. "What do you mean, Sirius? Did he do something?"

He thought about not saying anything, or at least saying something else, but he decided that honesty was best, as she had been completely honest with him so far. He pulled the ring out of his pocket, and Lily gasped.

"James, were you going to--" she started, and he laughed, sudden nerves overcoming him.

"No, that's just it--I wasn't," he said, and he tried not to watch her face for a reaction. "Sirius told me I should bring it, but I told him I couldn't…that I didn't want to try again until I knew there was some hope of getting a better answer."

"So he sent it along anyway?" she asked, and now she was smiling as she stepped closer. He thought she was trying not to look at it; he put it in his other pocket, so it wasn't there between them, awkward and uncomfortable.

"With some sort of Warming Charm, I'd wager," James added. "I'm really going get him for this."

Lily was even closer. "Why?" she asked curiously, and she stepped up to his chest and embraced him. "At least I know you still have it."

"I kept it in my pocket for months," James said, thinking of those first few weeks especially, last summer when everything had seemed so bleak. He had literally carried the ring with him everywhere, a strange comfort in his heartbreak and confusion. He only put it away at Christmas.

"You did?" she asked softly, looking up at him. "Why?"

"I don't know," he said, kissing her forehead. "Stubborness, stupidity, something like that…" She shook her head.

"Or hope," she said.

"Or hope," he agreed.

"I never stopped caring about you, you know," she said. "I thought about you all the time, about us--even about our future. It was just so sudden, so soon."

"So you said at the time," he replied dryly. "And you were probably right. But I had to ask, and I would have married you right then." The ring flared in his pocket, but he ignored it this time, knowing what it was.

"I know. I wish I had known then what I know now." Lily stepped back and glanced around the park. It wasn't that late, but it was oddly empty; perhaps it was simply too cold for any Muggles to enjoy what was really a beautiful night. Grinning slyly, Lily took out her wand and waved it silently; a shining silver doe flowed from the tip and hovered before her, and she looked at James with a question on her face, almost a challenge.

Hoping no one would see them--or that Lily's variation on a Muggle-Repelling Charm covered floating silver animals--James brought out his wand and cast his own Patronus, and the silver stag hovered next to the doe. It even moved closer, and to their amazement, nuzzled at it as if it were a living, breathing creature.

"You are in trouble now, Evans," James murmured, remembering clearly when Lily had cast the doe while he lay on the ground, injured. He had struggled to remember anything at all, but that, at least, he remembered, and he almost laughed out loud. He understood it now, as well: it really did mean something.

"I was in trouble a long time ago, James," she said, then cocked her head. "You seem to have that affect on me."

He didn't know how to respond, and just watched the doe and the stag nuzzle once more before beginning to fade. He wrapped his arms around the amazing woman in front of him, determined to never let go. Yet again she surprised him as she leaned into him and sighed.

"I wish I could change my answer," she said. He wasn't thinking clearly, and smiled over her head, not realizing what she meant.

"Which one again? Not about my birthday?"

"No, the one where you asked me to marry you."

The ring in his pocket flashed even hotter this time, although he managed to keep from jumping back. But Lily must have noticed, because he felt her smile against his chest. "Is it still charmed?"

"Apparently," he laughed. "Look, Lily, I don't know what I should say. I don't want to pull it out again just because Sirius charmed it to twitch every time it comes up."

She stepped back, wide-eyed, before suddenly doubling over with laughter. "What's so funny?" he demanded, and then the realization hit. "Ah. That came out very wrong, didn't it?"

She laughed even harder, and he joined her, and they laughed until their sides hurt and they collapsed on the bench once more. He idly wondered if they would ever make it to the restaurant at this point. Half an idea was forming in his head, though. Once they caught their breath again, he pulled her up and started walking.

"Enough talking and playing around. I want to start our real date," he said as she skipped to keep up with him.

"The restaurant is the other way," she called.

"Oh." He stopped and gave her a thoughtful look. "Are you really that desperate for Italian?" he asked, trying to sound innocent but suggestive; she picked up on his unsaid thought almost immediately.

"I am hungry," she replied teasingly. "But I could always go for something else."

"Don't Muggles do take away?" he asked.

"My place?" she suggested in return, and he grinned as he leaned down to kiss her.

"Brilliant."

He squeezed her hand and led the way back toward Diagon Alley, Lily by his side holding tight to his arm. He was almost dizzy with relief, or perhaps he was still tired and recovering. They did not talk, they simply hurried down the Muggle street, where they stopped quickly for food before returning to Diagon Alley through the Leaky Cauldron, still hand-in-hand.

It was a short walk to Lily's flat. Though he had walked this same route the night they were attacked, this time James did not worry about Death Eaters. He did not think about kissing Lily outside her flat or the long days of waiting for her response: he thought only of how perfect the night was and how it would only get better now that he was finally back together with the woman he loved--the woman he would marry.

The ring in his pocket glowed warmly against his skin, an ever-present reminder of a future that now seemed much more possible. He just needed to figure out how to make it a reality.

* * *

Chapter Nine - Together

"So Prongs," Sirius started in almost immediately at lunch the next day. "You sure got in late last night."

James gave him a withering look. "No, wait," Sirius continued, pulling a face and pretending to think. "You didn't come home at all. That's right!" He snapped his fingers, eyes wide. "You came back this morning."

"He looks a bit bleary-eyed, doesn't he?" asked Remus, studying him closely. "But at least he came back, because now he can tell us what could have possibly kept him out all night."

"Right--so how did it go with Lily?" Peter demanded, cutting to the point.

"Obviously fairly well," sniggered Sirius.

James sighed melodramatically. He had been expecting it. He knew his friends well enough to realize that they would badger him mercilessly until he told them how his dinner with Lily had gone, and truth be told, he did owe it to them. They had helped him through a lot, especially recently. He didn't really mind, because things had gone so well with Lily that he had no reason not to tell them; he was even in a good enough mood to joke around a bit with them.

"Did you miss me or something?" he tossed back. "I didn't think I needed to tuck you in every night, Padfoot."

Sirius snorted as he sipped at some mead. They were having a late lunch at the Leaky Cauldron before heading their separate ways: James to his father's house, Sirius to headquarters, Remus and Peter to new Order assignments. After taking a bite of his lunch, Sirius finally had a comeback.

"I have a feeling we won't be snuggling on the sofa anymore either," he said with a wink at the others. Remus smiled and Peter stifled a laugh. "I'm about to be pushed off, aren't I?"

"I pushed you off a long time ago," James laughed. "And yes, you may catch me and Lily on the sofa instead."

"Just warn me so I can be prepared," Sirius said. "And keep your clothes on. I saw enough in the dormitory over seven long years with you lot."

They all laughed out loud, until Remus finally brought it up again. "Obviously things went well with Lily if you never made it home and you're planning to take over the sofa with her."

James nodded, a stupid grin on his face that he couldn't hide. Peter set down his drink and gave him a pointed look. "Then are you back together or are you going to make us pull it out of you piece by painful piece?"
James gave him a surprised look. "Why so impatient, Pete? Can't I have some fun too?"

"No, you may not," Peter replied with as straight a face as he could manage with Sirius sniggering again beside him. "We've been agonizing over this almost as much as you have so we deserve to know, not be strung along."

Remus rolled his eyes as James laughed. "Sorry, then. I didn't realize my love life was the center of so much attention."

Now it was Sirius who gave him the withering look. "It has always been the center of attention, Prongs--especially when it comes to Evans. Now spill."

James told them about his night: from meeting at the Leaky Cauldron to their walk to the park to the long talk they had had there. He told them almost everything they had said--he didn't want to share too much, after all--and then he told them about the Patronuses, because that was obviously something they couldn't keep secret for long. Remus nodded knowingly.

"I thought that's what was going on," he said.

"Why didn't you say anything?" asked James, curious why Remus had been so silent over the past week about it. "You must have seen it that night, when she sent her message."

Remus shrugged in return. "I did, but it was none of my business, I guess."

"Did you talk to her about it?" James continued, not believing him for a second.

"Well, yes--of course." Remus was struggling to hide a grin. "She might have asked me to keep it to myself, though."

"And you did?" asked Peter.

"I told you lot!" Remus laughed. "Just not him."

"Thanks for that," James grumbled.

"First of all, it was much more fun to talk about it behind your back," Remus said, a rare sparkle to his eyes. "And second of all, wasn't it better to find out from her? To see it for yourself?"

James nodded reluctantly. Yes, he would never forget his shock when Lily had cast the doe at his father's house two night's ago, or the sight of both of their Patronus's nuzzling in the park the night before. And in the end, he was used to his friends talking about him behind his back: it was what they all did, after all.

"So what happened next?" asked Peter, obviously impatient to hear the rest of the story.

"We ended up getting take away and going back to her place. Her roommate was out of town, so we had the place to ourselves."

"How convenient," Sirius drawled, wiggling his eyebrows like a schoolboy.

"Yes, it was," James shot back. "We ate and we talked some more and--"

"And you didn't come home," Sirius finished. "Now why is that, I wonder?"

James grinned. "So I spent the night. You've stayed out loads of times. Now you know what an empty flat feels like."

"But what did you do all night?" Sirius pressed. "Talk some more?"

"Of course not." James waved his hand in the air dismissively, then took a long sip of his Steaming Stout. "But that's between us."

Sirius exchanged a look with Remus and Peter that James couldn't miss. He immediately knew what it was for.

"Oh, you're wondering about this," he said, and he took the engagment ring out of his pocket and set it on the table. "Damn thing keeps reappearing in my pocket. Hot, too."

Peter looked away while Remus pretended to be engrossed in his lunch. Sirius shrugged unapologetically as he picked it up and turned it around; it almost immediately disappeared from his hands. "It should be somewhere else, I think."

"What, on Lily's hand?" James asked, his voice light. He pulled the ring from his pocket again and examined it. "It nearly burned a hole in my trousers, you know. That was some charm you set."

"Then stop talking about it and do something about it," said Sirius.

"Ah, so the spell won't break until I propose again?" asked James, and Sirius touched the side of his nose. Peter stifled his laughter and even Remus covered a smile. "That's just ruthless, Padfoot."

"I know," Sirius said, leaning back with a grin. "But I couldn't help myself. We all know it's coming and this time it's going to happen. I just figured sooner was better than later."

"It's not up to you, you know," James said, slipping the ring back into his pocket. "I already told you--"

"--you don't want to ask until you're sure you'll get a better answer." He leaned forward, very intense. "You spent the night with her. What do you think now?"

James stared at him, unable to answer. He finally shook his head, knowing all three of his friends were watching him, waiting for him to reply. "I think it's too soon. I don't want to mess up again."

Sirius snorted as he sat back, but Remus nodded in understanding. It was Peter, however, who spoke.

"I think it's pretty obvious she's ready now," he said quietly. "Aren't you?"

"Yes, but--"

"You didn't see how she watched you," Peter continued, and now Sirius and Remus were listening closely. "You didn't see how upset she was at St. Mungo's that night, when the Healers couldn't wake you. You didn't hear her talking to your dad, to Sirius, to you as you were sleeping. You didn't feel her holding your hand, lying next to you."

James stared at his friend. He had rarely heard Peter say so much in one go, and with so much feeling. And to his surprise, Peter continued.

"I think she's figured it out, this time, Prongs," he said. "You've known for over a year and nothing's changed your feelings, so I don't see why you're waiting. Don't let her go again--it could be too late."

"Bloody hell, Wormy," said Sirius into the sudden silence. "When did you become such an expert at romance and relationships?"

Peter looked slightly embarrassed as he sat back and looked down. Then he glanced up and grinned, and the odd moment was over. "I'm just sick of their waffling about, that's all."

Sirius clapped him on the shoulder with a barking laugh. "Aren't we all!" he exclaimed. "Wormy has spoken, Prongs. You need to ask her, and ask her quick."

James felt his heart race at the very thought. Were they right? Would she really say yes? She had said she wished she could change her answer back in June, when they had sat in a field by the lake, and he had taken out the ring only to have her gaze at him sadly and apologize for giving it back. If he were to ask again, would her answer be different this time?

He still wanted to marry her, that much was certain. He just wanted to be sure she was ready now--that they were ready. He would have married her right out of Hogwarts, but the months since had shown him how dangerous the world really was. Did he still want to get married during such times? When life was precious and even walking down the street was dangerous?

Yes, he did. And he would. Lily had said she wanted to be with him, fight by his side. And he wanted to be with her--always. No matter the risk, the danger, the heartbreak: he loved her and would ask again and again if he had to.

"So how should I go about it…the second time?" he asked casually. Sirius, Remus, and Peter glanced at one another and grinned.

James knew then he was either doomed or in good hands.

* * *

In the end, it turned out to be neither: he came up with most of it on his own.

Sirius had suggested he bring out the ring again in the middle of an Order meeting, or worse--in the middle of their next assignment together. Remus had suggested he wait until Orsino's was open again and take Lily there to propose. But James was not interested in making a spectacle of it in front of dozens of Order members, nor did he think the restaurant where several people had been killed was an appropriate place to begin his life together with Lily.

And then Peter suggested the park where he and Lily had walked. Something simple, something romantic. Yet also rather obvious. So James had taken it from there, and was reasonably confident he had come up with a good idea on his own for once.

It took him most of the week to set it up. It was an even bigger risk than the one he'd taken in June when he had first proposed. Then he had simply had a ring to carry around for months when she had turned him down; if she said no this time, he'd have a bit more to deal with than just a ring. Yet he was fairly confident that it would go differently. He kept reminding himself that she had come right out and said she wished she could change her answer, after all.

They saw each other every day, whether for lunch or for dinner or even coffee. James stopped by the hospital (really, he was supposed to have a follow-up exam anyway), and she came by the house to visit with him and his father, who spent the entire time giving James knowing looks. Lily had one brief assignment with the Order, but Dumbledore had given him the week off to recover completely, and James was glad to have it, knowing he would be back in the thick of it soon enough.

The ring remained in his pocket, simply because Sirius had not seen fit to lift the charm. Every time James emptied his pockets, it came right back. Lily knew it was there, too, and sometimes he would catch her glancing at his trousers, or watching him closely when he put his hands in his pockets. He wondered if she was nervous or even irritated about it always being with him, or if she was waiting for him to take it out again because she wanted him to.

Each day (and night) he spent with her grew more and more comfortable, and he knew this time was it: she would say yes when the moment came. And so after the Order meeting on Sunday night, exactly a week since he had left St. Mungo's, he said goodbye to his friends and left hand-in-hand with Lily. He suggested they walk a bit before heading back to her flat. It was a clear night, not as cold as it had been, and most of the snow had melted. He grinned with anticipation as they walked down Charing Cross Road, much as they had the week before.

He steered her toward the small square where they had talked. He was fairly sure she knew where they were going and what was coming, but he hoped he could at least pull off one surprise. He'd worked hard to set it up.

As they entered the small park, now arm-in-arm, Lily rested her head on his shoulder. He could sense her smiling against him. "I feel like we were just here," she said.

"It's been almost a week," he replied. "But you said you liked this area."

"And I really do. It's a bit out of the way from my flat, though." She gave him a pointed look, which he waved off with a casual shrug.

"It's a good place to talk," James replied. He led her past the benches where they had last sat, though, and toward the center of the park, toward the small cottage. He noticed three Muggles standing over by the large statue of some former monarch; they appeared to be talking, but he couldn't hear a word. One of them was smoking. Narrowing his eyes, James decided they weren't Muggles at all: their heights perfectly matched those of the three best friends he had left behind at the meeting. James shook his head, but held back another grin, because they didn't know what he really had planned.

"I thought we talked last week," Lily said, drawing his attention back to her, and he could hear the anticipation in her voice. She must have suspected something, because he could feel her excitement.

"We did," he said, and it was all he could do to keep his voice level and calm, when inside he was shaking. He'd done this once already, why was he so nervous? Or was he merely excited as well?

"So what did you want to talk about?" she asked after a moment. He grinned again but took a deep breath before replying. He was determined to remain composed.

"It's been almost a month since you joined the Order," he said.

She squeezed his hand. "I'm glad I did. It brought us back together."

"Which was your plan all along, wasn't it?" he teased her, and she laughed, and he leaned down and kissed her, reveling in the easy perfection of being with her. He could imagine his friends sniggering near the statue behind them.

"Not exactly," she said. "It was just one of the reasons I joined, James."

"I know," he murmured. "I'm glad I was one of them, then. It terrifies me, knowing you're in such danger now. But I understand."

"I can take care of myself," she replied, just as she had several times already and had proven as well.

"How about we take care of each other?" he asked. "That's what partners do, and I think we do it well. I'm glad Dumbledore assigned us to work together."

"You weren't at first, though," she said. "Were you?"

"It was hard," he admitted. "But we figured it out." He thought about that first time he had seen her, at Headquarters, and then the next night, at dinner. It had been awkward, working with her after so long, when all he could think about was being with her, about a future with her.

"So was that what you wanted to talk about?" Lily asked. "Working for the Order?"

"Of course not," he said, rolling his eyes. "That was just the beginning."

"Do continue then," she said, affecting a proper tone of voice and hiding a small smile.

He narrowed his eyes at her. "You don't like to make things easy, do you?"

She brushed her lips against his. "Not this," she whispered, then stepped back. "So what did you really want to say?"

He halfway wanted to keep teasing her, but he was growing impatient and could almost feel his friends staring at him, silently urging him to get on with it. He gazed down into her eyes and took another deep breath. "You said last week that you wished you could change your answer. To the question I asked in June."

Her face lit up, not with wide-eyed surprise as it had then, but this time with genuine joy. It made it easier to reach into his pocket, that he could almost see the answer on her face. When he held out his hand with the ring clasped in shaking fingers, she smiled broadly, and he was fairly certain there were tears in her eyes.

His heart was racing; he had to time everything exactly right to pull it off. "So I'll ask again, if you're ready."

She nodded, still smiling through watery eyes, and he took her hand and placed the ring on her finger. And as he did, he felt the pull of the Portkey charm he'd set on the ring whisk them away. Lily gasped; he hoped he was doing the right thing.

They reappeared inside a dark flat. It was a rough landing, but as soon as he steadied her, James cast a quick spell behind his back. The room suddenly glowed with the light of dozens of candles that he had meticulously placed around the large, empty room that afternoon. Lily's eyes went wide and her other hand flew to her mouth. Before she could say anything, he brought her close, her left hand still clasped in his, and asked the question that had been hanging between them all night, all week.

"Will you marry me?"

She nodded a silent yes, unable to speak; her free hand came up to caress his cheek instead. He leaned down to kiss her, but after a moment she laughed and threw her arms around his neck. "I thought you'd never ask," she whispered in his ear, and he pulled back in surprise.

"Really? Even after everything we've been through?" he said. She nodded. "You seemed nervous, almost scared off."

He kissed her once more, long and deep and with as much conviction and sincerity as he could to quell her doubts. "I'm not scared of being with you, Lily--no matter what the future brings. I want to be with you. I always have."

Her happy sigh against his neck was all the answer he needed. Too soon she stepped back and glanced around. "Where are we, exactly?" she asked. "It's not your place and it's obviously not mine…"

"No," he replied, and he led her to the window. "It's ours."

He pulled aside the curtains and together they gazed down into the small square where they had been standing moments before. He held back a laugh at the sight of his friends by the statue, obviously confused and looking for them. Lily gasped with delight, then glanced around the tiny flat before turning to the window and back again.

"Ours?" she asked. "Here? But James, it must be so much!"

He shook his head and smiled. "It's not a problem."

"But we can't afford this," she protested. "I hardly make anything as an intern, and you…well…" She trailed off. "I didn't think the Order paid us, does it?"

"Unfortunately, no," he laughed. "Really, it's not a problem."

She pulled a face. "Sirius isn't moving in to help pay for it, is he?"

"Of course not!" James burst out laughing at the very thought. "I've got money, Lily. From my family. If you want it, this place is ours."

Lily left his side and roamed around the flat, her face lit with wonder in the flickering light. It was empty but for the candles. "You did all this? For me?"

"You said you liked it here," he replied, hoping she liked it when she seemed so uncertain. "I know you were worried about living in a Muggle area, but it's close to Diagon Alley. We can set all sorts of protective charms, and I think we'll be fine. If you don't want it, though--"

She stopped him with a finger to his lips. "I love it," she said softly. "It's perfect. Thank you."

He pulled her closed and kissed her. "You're welcome. Now, am I to assume this means your answer is different this time?"

She sighed happily as she laid her head against his chest. "Yes." One simple word, and it meant the world to him. He closed his eyes, relief flooding over him, tempered with a bit of anxiety; more than anything, though, he felt a deep sense of contentment. This was right. This was how it was supposed to be. Finally.

"Brilliant," he said. "Want to get something to eat then? Bring it back here for the night?"

She glanced around the empty room. "There's no furniture," she pointed out, but there was a playful undertone to her voice, and a smile tugged at the corners of her mouth.

"We don't need furniture," he murmured in her ear, teasing it with his tongue as well. She shivered and giggled, and he stepped back with a wink.

"A few blankets should do it," she agreed, and he nodded appreciatively.

"And maybe some wine, too," he added. "To celebrate."

"Then let's go and pick some up things," she said. "Can we just Apparate?"

James cast a quick spell over the flat, knowing they would have to cast stronger ones later. But at least for that night it should muffle the sound of magic. He nodded and took her hand. "We can now. Your place first?"

"And then yours?"

"And then back to ours." It sounded unreal, to say it out loud. Their place. This was going to be their home together. He would be spending the rest of his life with her, and he already couldn't imagine it any other way. It was more than he could have hoped for, seven months ago when she had left him by the lake at Hogwarts. He had joined the Order straight away, trying to forget the heartbreak and simply fight for a better world where maybe, just maybe, they could be together in peace some day.

They were together now, though the fight continued. He hoped that they would both live to see the end of the war, so that they could start a family and enjoy the life they had already fought hard for, side-by-side. It wouldn't be easy, but as Sirius had once said, it never was for them.

They would figure it out, and they would survive.

Together.

***