Albus Dumbledore raced through the door to Snape’s chambers. “Severus, Pomona is organising a Hogwarts monthly magazine,� He panted excitedly, then quickly added, “She asked me to find an Agony Aunt.�

“And why then, Headmaster, have you come to me?� came the curt reply.

“Well … everyone else is doing something else. Aurora and Sybil are doing horoscopes, Minerva’s doing some sort of witty column, and Pomona is doing her usual gossip collecting, just writing it down. But no-one wanted to be an Agony Aunt, so Pomona suggested that we do it together, with a little help from Poppy, who, by the way, is also doing a column on dealing with depression and anorexia and suchlike.�

“Albus, are you serious?� Snape snarled back. “I haven’t got time to help Pomona with her silly little supplement.�

“Severus, all I wanted was for you to give me an alternative, less gushy perspective on our student’s problems. You should really get more involved in their lives, Severus; you are Head of Slytherin, after all.�

Ignoring Albus’ last sentence, Snape turned back to his work.

“Please, Severus? Pretty please?�

Snape whipped around. “You know I hate it when people do that.�

“Well agree to help then, unless you want me to charm your books to repeat it to you constantly.

Snape sighed. “What’s in it for me then?� he said reluctantly.

“That’s the spirit! Umm…a round of Butterbeer at Rosmerta’s?� Snape glared at the Headmaster. “Every Saturday for a month?�

“Make it two Firewhiskeys and you’re on.�

“Deal.�

Albus turned to leave. He was just closing the door behind him when he heard Snape’s voice:

“And Albus?�

“Yes, Severus?�

“Tell Pomona that we are not being called Agony Aunts.�

“Certainly Severus. I shall ask."

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Snape was not looking forward to the weekend. He never did look forward to the weekend, but he was dreading this Saturday especially. Albus had summoned him to work on Pomona’s rubbishy supplement. Apparently, boxes for questions had been left in all four Common Rooms, and Pomona had put one in the library as well. Snape could only guess what kind of ridiculous inquiries the survey would turn out.

“Thank Merlin it’s Pomona organising this magazine,� Snape muttered into his drink as he sat waiting for Albus. �It’ll only last a few issues. The woman can’t stick at anything.�

By the time the Headmaster arrived, Severus had already sipped his way through a pint of Butterbeer. Albus sat down opposite him and emptied out his pockets onto the table. Out spilled about a hundred slips of paper. Sifting through them, the two Professors uncovered several Droobles Blowing Gum wrappers, a few slips covered in doodles, a few reading a string of expletives, and a few ‘Who are you?’ and ‘What is this actually for?’ Albus chuckled to himself as he passed Severus a piece of paper which read ‘If you’re reading this, Professor Snape, I want you to know that I am completely and utterly head over heels in love with you, and I will do anything to pleasure you’ written in a messy scrawl that looked more like Seamus Finnigan’s handwriting than Hermione Granger’s.

“Albus, we’ve been sitting here for half an hour, sorting out these pieces of paper. So far, I’ve counted twenty-three accusations of another person’s homosexuality, twelve blank slips, and nothing particularly interesting. I cannot believe that Pomona thought it was a good idea to put boxes in the Common Rooms. Did she not realise that we would have to filter out this many juvenile replies? Not to mention the stupid pseudonyms.�

“Severus, they’re teenagers. Did you really expect them not to be immature about it? And the pseudonyms are for confidentiality. Let me get you that first Firewhiskey I promised.�

Finally, the two Professors uncovered some real questions, and they started to discuss how best to answer them. A few they decided to seek advice from Madam Pomfrey about. A few they discuss that afternoon. Over the course of the next few weekends, Albus placated Severus with Firewhiskey and between them they answered the sixteen shortlisted questions.

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In the end, Severus was right. Professor Sprout’s magazine only lasted four issues. The question canisters returned to their places but were never collected. Madam Pince converted the one from the library into a weapon, with which she threatened students who had books that were over two days overdue. The Ravenclaw tin was never seen again, and for a few weeks, the students of that tower wondered if it was like the lost diadem: never to be found again. The Slytherin tin was seen floating in the Lake, recognisable only by its irremovable desecration. Pomona rescued the Hufflepuff canister from its place above the fireplace, and no doubt used it for a flowerpot. The Gryffindor tin rolled into a corner to gather dust, occasionally thrown around the Common Room if someone wanted a bit of indoor Quidditch.

The magazine itself was archived in the Headmaster’s office. Albus retrieved it occasionally and smiled at Severus’ replies. The man was sour and uptight, but the liquor had coaxed some words out of him. But no-one else needed to know how the answers came about. They just needed the answers.

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The Problem People
with Auntie Aggy, Aunt Priscilla and Doctor Pill
Welcome to our Inaugural issue and our Agony Aunt page. Thanks for all your questions.
I want to make a move with a girl at a party. Any advice? From Shy Guy
AA: Don’t be scared! Have confidence in yourself. Just go up and talk to her. I’m sure she’ll think you’re a great guy and you’ll get along straight away. Good luck!
AP: Just get on with it, kid. Make a move or don’t. Your choice.

I’m new, and I’m worried about not making any friends. Can you help me? From Anonymous Firstie
AA: Relax! Everyone who’s new feels exactly the same way. Just talk to other people in your House and your Class and I’m sure you’ll meet someone who you were born to be friends with. If you are a First Year, everyone else in your year is new too, and not many people know each other, so just believe in yourself and get talking!
AP: I’m sure you’ll find someone eventually. Just don’t scare them off.

I really like a guy but I think he’s going out with someone else. Help here? From ireallylikeaguy
AA: If you really like him, then you’ll wait. At this stage in your lives, relationships usually aren’t that serious and they come and go. However, I’m sure he’ll be worth the wait.
AP: There’s probably a reason he’s with who he’s with and not you.

I think someone’s stalking me. What should I do? From Little Miss Paranoid
AA: If you feel like you’re being followed, tell an adult you trust and they will be able to help you. However, I don’t think anyone in Hogwarts would do that. You’re probably just imagining it.
AP: Thanks for sharing. Tell them to get off your tail.
If your question wasn’t answered this week, come back next week and see if we answer it then!

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The Problem People
with Auntie Aggy, Aunt Priscilla and Doctor Pill
Welcome back to our help section! We’re answering another four questions this week:
My owl isn’t back after I sent it to Australia out with a letter to my uncle. It’s been two weeks now. Do you think he’s ok? From Creature Carer
AA: I hope so! He’ll probably be back soon -- Australia is a very long was away!!! If you want to send more letters to your uncle and you’re worrying about your owl, you can buy tracking devices in Eeylops Owl Emporium.
AP: Probably sent it a bit far. Just pray he didn’t fall in the sea from exhaustion and drown.

I missed a period. Am I pregnant? From no-one
AA: During puberty, your hormones are changing and this means that your menstrual cycle can be irregular at times. If you are at all concerned, talk to an adult you trust, or go and see Madam Pomfrey.
AP: Simple answer. Have you have sex?
DP: The Hospital wing has pregnancy testing potions available confidentially if you should wish to pay us a visit.

I really like a guy, but I don’t think he likes me. What can I do? From ireallylikeaguy
AA: If this boy doesn’t like you, then he’s not worth your time. He should like you for who you are, so be yourself around him. Try to socialise and be friends for the moment -- perhaps your relationship will progress to another level in the future!
AP: Tough. Not a lot.

Why do I think I’m in love with my best friend? From uncertainty
AA: When you are very close to a person, you might think that you are in love with them. However, you probably just have an incredibly healthy and trusting relationship. Perhaps there are prospects for you in the future, but let them come as they will. Long live your friendship!
AP: No idea. Love potion? Love’s just like that, I guess.

Come back next week in case we answer your question!

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The Problem People
with Auntie Aggy, Aunt Priscilla and Doctor Pill

I’ve been going out with this girl for a month now, and I want to tell people, but she would rather keep our relationship private. What should I do? From airthelaundry
AA:You ought to respect her wishes, but if you feel that way about it, perhaps you two should have a serious talk about where your relationship is going and why she doesn’t want it publicised. Maybe you’ll realise things about each other that you didn’t know before!
AP: Bit late to ask now, eh?

I really like a guy, but he’s in Slytherin and I’m in Gryffindor. Is this as big a problem as people say it is? From ireallylikeaguy
AA: Being in different Houses should not be a barrier for love. If you are love each other, social barriers should not be an issue. Your friends should accept you for everything you believe in and so should respect your decisions, and so should this boy.
AP:Not you again! What is wrong with you? What next? Just get over it.

I feel pressured to get a girlfriend. From unpopular guy
AA: You should ‘t feel pressured into anything! If you feel pressured, you should talk to an adult you trust and build up your confidence.
AP: If you’re unpopular, it’s not going to happen.

I feel pressured to get a boyfriend. From a girl
AA: Again, peer pressure is often a big problem in schools, but you need to trust yourself and wait until you are ready.
AP: See above.

We’ll be answering some more questions next time, so join us again then.

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The Problem People
with Auntie Aggy, Aunt Priscilla and Doctor Pill

Everyone keeps teasing me about my acne. Why do I have spots and other people don’t? From El Midgie
AA: You shouldn’t feel so insecure about yourself – they are probably only teasing you because they have insecurities. They won’t understand how you feel. Don’t feel that you need to take the bully on by yourself -- tell a friend or a teacher. Also, try to ignore them. They provoke you for a reaction -- don’t let them get to you!
AP: If you are who I think you are, then we already know. As for your question, no idea. Ask someone else.
DP: Acne can’t be cured, it can be controlled with treatment. Keeping your skin clean will help prevent new spots developing. Various creams and lotions are available in the Hospital wing.

People don’t like me. What can I do? From h8rzgonh8
AA: Everyone has friends, and your friends should like you for who you are. However, if you don’t have very many friends, you can always talk to a teacher or any adult around the castle. However, you just need to believe in yourself. If you like yourself, then other people will like you. Just be yourself and trust it.
AP: Make them like you. Or let them hate you, and don’t care.

I really like a guy, but I’m a guy. Can you give me some advice? From ireallylikeaguy
AA: First of all, there is nothing wrong with being gay. However, it does have unfortunate consequences, including that the people you like might not like you back. However, your true friends will always stand by you, and I salute your bravery for coming out. However, it could just be your hormones. Remember you can always talk to any of the teachers!
AP: What she said. She’d know. Oh wait…not you again!

Do you have any support for me, as I’m really upset after a messy breakup? From BoobooBabyGurl
AA: I’m sure that you have many friends who can support you through this troubling period in your life. However, if you feel the need, you can always go and talk to a member of staff.
AP: Deal with it.

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