Taboos by William Brennan
Summary: After the war, the Auror Office decides to Taboo the Unforgivable Curses so that any use of them can be detected. This doesn't quite go as planned however...
Categories: Humor Fics Characters: None
Warnings: None
Challenges:
Series: None
Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes Word count: 1879 Read: 3610 Published: 05/20/13 Updated: 05/30/13

1. Taboos by William Brennan

Taboos by William Brennan
In 1650, the Taboo Detection Charm was invented. Some of the members of the Ministry of Magic of the time, who hoped to win favor in the Commonwealth by backing Cromwell, suggested that it be used to detect blasphemers against God, and to aid in magical law enforcement by detecting those using Unforgivable Curses.

This was put into practice on June 18, 1654. On June 20, 1654, the idea was summarily abandoned, and the records of it were buried in a dusty storeroom. It had proved so ineffective that it was assumed memory would be sufficient.

However, in the confusion and violence of the restoration of the monarchy, many of Cromwell's supporters were killed, and their papers burnt or lost. As a result, no one remembered, in later years, exactly why it had been a bad idea.

The spell was largely forgotten until Voldemort took control of the Ministry of Magic in 1998 and applied it to the use of his name. His name, for reasons that later became clear, was not vulnerable to the fault that had ended its use against crime.


May 4, 2001
The Ministry of Magic

"What do you think of the idea, Potter?" asked Percy Weasley officiously, sticking his head into Harry's Auror cubicle. Harry looked up and sighed, partly in amusement and partly in annoyance.

"Which idea?" Harry asked.

"Kingsley has suggested, Potter, that all of the Unforgiveable Curses be placed under a Taboo."

"Why are you calling me Potter and him Kingsley?" Harry asked.

"That isn't the point, Potter. The point is, what do you think of the idea?"

"Tell me why you're calling me Potter and him Kingsley, and I'll tell you," Harry answered, grinning.

"Harry. You are acting like...like...Peeves."

"Well, you're acting like Snape, so we're even there. When he was teaching, that is."

Percy opened his mouth, possibly to say something about Snape, but shut it again. He stopped for a moment, carefully considering his words. "Shacklebolt is too long. Are you satisfied?"

"Percy," Harry said, "you use long words to indicate that something is important. By not using Minister Shacklebolt's long last name, you reduce his importance. I don't think he'd like that."

Percy considered this statement for a moment, while Harry tried not to burst into laughter. "I was talking to Kingsley just the other day, and he said he wanted everyone to call him Shacklebolt," Harry added.

"Harry, I have been around George and...Fred...long enough to know when someone is pulling my leg," Percy said briskly. Harry stopped smiling abruptly. "What do you think of the idea?"

"I don't see anything wrong with it," Harry answered, after thinking for a moment. "It should enable us to catch anyone using illegal curses. And I think the problem is that I've been around George...and Fred...long enough to try. Constantly."

"Brilliant," Percy answered. "Fabulous. I'll speak to Kingsley right away." He bustled off.


May 15, 2001
The Ministry of Magic

Kingsley and Percy, among a crowd of others, exited the room where they had just cast the Taboo upon the Imperius Curse, the Cruciatus Curse, and the Killing Curse incantations. An Auror was assigned to man the desk and monitor the enchantments. Kingsley had not even made it to the lift, however, when the man, highly agitated, came sprinting out behind him.

"We've got one already! Imperius Curse, being used at Oxford!" the Auror shouted. Harry and several other Aurors ran out of their cubicles and gripped his arms and hands so he could guide them to the coordinates. They had been drilled for this repeatedly over the last few days, and no one stopped and thought about how unlikely it was that an Imperius Curse was being used at exactly that moment, when they had just established the Taboo. They spun on the spot, Disapparating together.


May 15, 2001
Oxford College

"As I already explained, Mr. Barton, it is the general conclusion that the assassination of Julius Caesar on this day was in fact the decisive event in the creation of imperial Rome. Despite Caesar's despotic tendencies, his assassination actually made matters worse, by enabling his relatives to seize full control and decisively defeat and discredit Brutus and other advocates of liberty. The--"

Violent cracking sounds ripped through the air as five men dressed in long cloaks appeared out of nowhere. They raised slender wooden sticks and pointed them at the class and Dr. Davies.

"Drop your wands and put your hands--"

"Nobody move! Stop--"

"Remain calm, no one's going to curse you now--"

"Men! Men! Listen to me, stop, these aren't wizards," shouted one of them, who had not raised his stick and was waving his arms. The others did not immediately register what he had said over the din, as Dr. Davies screamed and ran out of the classroom, closely followed by a stampede of most of the students. Fortunately, confused, the Aurors did not start cursing the Muggles.

"Harry, what's happening?" one of the cloaked men yelled.

"Those are Muggles! Those are bloody Muggles! And now they're going to be all over the place shouting about five men appearing out of nowhere and waving wands around--"

One of the students had remained in his seat and was now rapidly approaching the front in a state of great excitement. "Are you wizards? Like in those stories? Can you do magic?"

"Stupefy!" one of the other Aurors shouted. The Muggle fell over backward.

"Mr. Potter, what do you think?" another Auror asked. "Should we pursue the other Muggles?"

Harry considered the matter carefully. "Well, I don't understand what went wrong, is the thing. Sod it, if Hermione were here -" He stared around the room. "This is obviously a Muggle classroom."

"Sir!" said another Auror, who was good at magic but had not impressed Harry as particularily intelligent. He lifted a book. "This book must be about the Imperius Curse! Look at the title!"

The book read A History of Imperial Rome.

"That's it!" Harry said, snapping his fingers. "Someone in the room must have said - and then - look, we need to get out of here. Without someone else confirming our presence, there'll be no proof of anything. They'll think it was just a Muggle magic trick. But we need to warn Kingsley -"


May 15, 2001
Cornwall

"And for my next trick," Mondo the Marvelous (actually Jim Rabtree) said to his audience,"I will make this rabbit disappear. Observe carefully." He flourished his black plastic wand. "Mumbo jumbo humbo, abracadabra!" The rabbit slipped down into a trapdoor, while a mirror popped up to prevent the audience seeing it drop. The mirror then slid back. Impressed, the kids clapped.

When Jim first heard the loud cracks echoing through the auditorium, he at first assumed that his idiot assistant was using the breaking noise machine too early again, before he went to fix the broken object in his act. He turned and looked offstage, and so did not immediately see the three cloaked men who had appeared behind the audience. The kids, however, did, and started screaming and running. Most of the parents did the same.

"Drop your wands and put your hands - what the -" Jim winced at what followed, despite his fear. Scarring the kiddies for life didn't figure on his program. One of the other men spotted him and shouted, "Drop your wand and put your hands up! Now!"

Jim threw his wand violently away from him and hit a kid in the head, who wailed even louder. The cloaked figure jogged rapidly up the ramp onto the stage and approached him. "You are under arrest on the charge of use of an Unforgiveable Curse. You are not required to make any statement at this time, but--"

"Look!" Jim shouted. "I didn't do any curses on anybody! I was just putting on a bloody magic show!"

"Are you stating that you did not use or attempt to use the Killing Curse on another human being, but were demonstrating it on some lower animal?"

"I was not trying to kill anything, anyone, or anybody! I'm just a magician!"

"Yeh, so am I, mate. We're all wizards here. The question is, were you just using the Killing Curse?"

"I don't have the slightest idea what you're talking about!"

One of the other cloaked men picked up his wand. He began doing odd things with it, and looking absolutely perplexed when nothing happened. "Ah...Fisher...this is not..."

The person presumably called Fisher didn't hear or heed him. "All right, enough tosh. We all know about the Killing Curse. We learn about those spells at Hogwarts. You're under arrest pending our inquiry and if -"

"Fisher!" shouted one of the men off stage. "This is not a magic wand!"

"Of course it's not a magic wand!" Mondo/Jim screamed. "There's no such thing as magic! It's all tricks and stuff!"

Fisher stopped and did nothing for several seconds, processing the situation. He then pivoted, pointed his wand at Jim, and called "Obliviate!". Jim fell to the stage in total confusion.

"All right, chaps, let's get out of here. Now," Fisher ordered. They Disapparated.


May 15, 2001
The Ministry of Magic

Harry sprang into existence in the Auror Office and immediately ran to the Auror monitoring the Taboo. The latter appeared to be in a panic.

"It's not right," Harry shouted. "It's not correct. Shut down the spell."

"What's the trouble, Mr. Potter?" the man said gratefully.

"It doesn't just catch the curses," Harry explained rapidly. "It catches anything that sounds remotely like the curses. When an Oxford professor said 'imperial' during his lecture, it set off the enchantment." Even as he spoke, a bell began to sound, and a light lit on a map indicating use of the Imperius Curse in the Ministry of Magic. "Are there any other teams out?" Harry asked quickly.

"We dispatched two more after you left, Mr. Potter. There were a Killer in Cornwall and a Cruciatus," he stopped briefly as the map indicated a Cruciatus Curse in the Ministry of Magic, "in London."

"Right. I need the coordinates of that. Hopefully I can extract them before they cause too much bother. When the Cornwall team returns, tell them what I told you."


May 15, 2001
London

Mr. Blackham began to speak. "It is absolutely crucial that we get this project finished on time. If we do not, the entire production schedule will be delayed by at least one month." The board members looked disposed to object, but they held in their objections as he continued to speak. He had not been speaking very long, however, before four people in cloaks suddenly appeared from nowhere with loud cracks.

The panic in the board room had to be seen to be believed. It was very fortunate that the EMP from the Aurors' Apparition disabled the security cameras.


May 16, 2001
Godric's Hollow

"It's not that funny," Harry said, slightly irritated. It was hard to stay irritated for long at anyone as gorgeous as Ginny, but still...

She finally stopped laughing. "So it worked for Voldemort because--"

"What sounds like Voldemort?" they finished together. Harry grimaced. "I hope we don't forget about this. I can just imagine someone trying this again in, say, another fifty years."
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