Twin demons of hurt and anger slammed into Lily at the sight. Her breath caught in her throat, and her heart seemed to be unable to decide if it would stop or go faster. The red haze of anger did not affect her yet. She had to get over the hurt first.
There, on the path in front of her, stood James with Holly Lightwood wrapped around his waist like a vice and his hands firmly on her butt. Holly seemed to be quite busy with James’ ear as he simply babbled. At the first sob that caught in Lily’s throat, the hurt cleared away immediately. It was replaced by anger. The dreaded red haze prevented her from seeing James’ struggles.
James knew this wasn’t good. He’d known it wouldn’t be good the minute Lightwood had followed him out to the terrace. When he’d coolly told her where to put her proposition, she’d become infuriated. He had been pleased, though. He’d realized that when Holly had asked him that very tempting question, he’d refused. He knew he’d either had to be gay or head over heels in love with Lily. Since he knew he didn’t swing that way, there was obviously only one answer left. When Holly had jumped him, though, he’d become very annoyed. As he had tried to pull her off, she’d only clung tighter, and he’d happened to look up and see Lily.
Her mouth was slightly open, and she seemed to be fighting for air. He swallowed hard before saying her name, all the while doing his best to rid himself of the catlike Holly.
“Lily!” She shook her head in one violent gesture. Her tumble of auburn hair seemed to be coming loose.
“James, how could you?” she whispered before running down the path and to the castle. On the way, she ran into Leda, Gwen, Sirius, and Remus. They couldn’t have stopped her if they’d tried. She ran past them blindly. Leda and Gwen, sizing up the situation, strode over to James.
Leda stopped a foot away from him with her hands on her hips. Gwen stopped as well, and both glared at him as if he were the son of the devil.
“Give us one reason why we should help you,” Gwen hissed. She ignored his struggles and Holly, repositioning to attack James’ neck.
James let out a grunt as he tried to push Holly off him, yet again, with a none-too-friendly shove. “Here’s one: because this snake won’t get off me and I’ve got to see Lily.” His tone had enough desperation in it that made Gwen and Leda reconsider with a simple glance at one another. Leda walked forward, and with no regret whatsoever, grabbed a fistful of Holly’s long hair and wrapped it around her hand. Mercilessly, she tugged. Hard.
The force was enough to surprise Holly and have her release James from her stronghold. She cried out in pain and began to wail, “You stupid, low-life bitch!” She practically snarled before Leda tugged again. Instead, she resorted to whimpering, “Jamie! Tell this girl to stop! She’s hurting me!” James, who wasn’t listening, made a sound of disgust.
“You’re trespassing, dear,” Leda retorted.
Lily had no idea where she was going. The way to Gryffindor Tower was so ingrained in her mind that she didn’t have to think twice about turning right down this corridor, or skipping the sinking step up the next staircase. Tears flowed freely down her face, but she would not let herself cry; not yet. She couldn’t get that image out of her mind. A beautiful girl wrapped around James, and he not doing anything to stop it. Her shoulders shuddered as the image flashed through her mind, bright and viciously clear. She nearly sobbed out the password and ran through, not stopping until she reached her bed. No sooner had she landed on the bed then she cried uncontrollably.
An amount of time later, Lily had no idea how long she’d been crying, Lily lay on her bed, feeling weak and exhausted. She hadn’t bothered to change out of her dress robes; she’d had more important things to worry about. Now, though, she stripped from her wrinkled robes and slipped into her warm, fleecy pajamas. She climbed into bed and dragged the hangings around herself. If asked as to how she felt, she would have said numb. However, being numb means to be unable to feel. She was certainly feeling a lot right now.
In the dark, Lily couldn’t sleep. She’d have sworn she was exhausted a minute ago. She rolled over onto her side, and stared into the dark. Then, she allowed herself to do something she’d been trying to avoid. She thought.
Lily began with the ball. They’d held each other tight the entire night and Lily had repeated the words I love you like a mantra through her head. She’d been thinking about giving them to James. She believed that once you said the words, there was no going back. You could feel everything and be ready to burst, but if you didn’t say the words, it wasn’t clear. Tears gathered behind her eyes again as she remembered the slow dances they’d had together. When one threatened to spill over, she furiously wiped it away and thought back farther. She went all the way back to the night James had collapsed on the sofa next to her and in a great deal of pain.
Refusing to forgive him, her mind shot back to the image of Holly and James wrapped together. She focused in on little details in the picture now. How Holly’s legs were wrapped around his waist, and how, she now realized, James’ arms weren’t on her butt. They were actually on her hips and trying to drag her away from him. Probably so they could go somewhere where I wouldn’t go, she told herself. A part of her screamed furiously that that wasn't true and she was making stupid, weakling excuses. Abruptly shutting off that part of her mind, she closed her eyes, determined to go to sleep. She did, but slept fitfully.
Downstairs, the portrait hole flew open. Leda stomped inside followed by Sirius, Gwen, Remus, and James. As soon as James reached her, she whirled on him.
“Just what the hell did you think you were doing?” she shouted. What few people were left in the common room immediately halted their sleepy conversations. The look on Leda’s face reminded most people of a hippogriff ready to attack.
“Can we please leave the shouting portion to Lily? I think she’d enjoy it more,” James practically begged.
“No! She won’t do this anyway, therefore, you’re going to deal with me!” The volume of her voice was as loud as before and made James flinch.
“Look, I wasn’t doing that on purpose with Lightwood,” James began.
“Oh, so it just happened?” Leda said sarcastically.
“Let me finish. I was outside taking a walk. I’m allowed to do that. Holly jumped me, not the other way around.”
“Oh, so it’s Holly now is it? On first name terms are we?” Leda growled furiously. A few feet away, Sirius muttered to Gwen, “you’d think they were going out.” Gwen nodded sagely, not really listening.
“Will you be quiet and let me explain?” James shouted back, matching her volume. Then his anger, previously poked and prodded, now boiled to the surface. “Why am I even trying to justify this to you? Lily’s the one who needs to hear this.” He started toward the stairway, but found himself effectively blocked by Gwen.
“Think about it, James. If we take your word to be true, we can help you get Lily back. If we don’t, then it’s tough luck for you. Besides, you need to explain this to everyone because you know that by morning Lightwood will have her own version of events spread throughout the school even though she was obviously wasted through most of it.” James hunched his shoulders in defeat. Pleased about this small victory, Gwen continued.
“Now, you have quite a track record as far as girlfriends go. We know that has been on Lily’s mind since you’ve started dating. Even before then, she could see how many girls you hang out with. Tonight when she saw you and Holly, it seemed as if everything she’d feared had come true. You’d bypassed her for a prettier girl.”
James flopped down in a couch and said in a miserable voice, “How could she think that? Why would I even think about looking at another girl when I have Lily? I love her.”
Leda and Gwen exchanged amused looks. “So you’ve told her this, have you?” Leda pushed.
“Well…No. Don’t actions speak louder than words?” James demanded, beginning to look quite confused.
“With Lily, sometimes words are considered an action. If it’s an extreme emotion, like love, there is either a black or white answer. Yes or no,” Leda finished in an ominous voice. Satisfied that she had done her best friend duty of making James even more miserable, she stood up. “Well, I’m going to bed.” She hugged Sirius and with that, she was gone.
“I’m going to go, too. Should sleep while I still can. Good night.” Gwen kissed Remus and quietly went up to bed. Remus and Sirius both took spots opposite James in armchairs.
“Well, what do you think mates? Have I completely messed up my relationship with Lily?” James asked sullenly. Remus and Sirius gave each other baffled looks.
“James, we’re guys. We can’t do all that deep stuff. It’s too…deep,” Sirius decided.
“Obviously, it wasn’t a wise idea to go for a walk, but you can’t change that. Lily’s also very upset,” Remus pointed out, cutting to the thick of things. “You’ll just have to win her back.” James granted him a half-hearted grin.
Leda and Gwen crept into their dormitory, feeling very much like imposters when they spotted Lily’s closed hangings. Respecting her friend’s privacy, Leda motioned to Gwen to meet her in the showers. They grabbed their toiletries and snuck just as quietly back out. When they got to the showers, there were only a few girls there. Leda and Gwen immediately took the most remote showers.
“So, what should we do?” Leda asked. She glanced over at Gwen.
“I don’t know. We could respect her privacy and not bother her and wait till morning, or just go in and begin our campaign to get her and James back together tonight.” Gwen offered the suggestions that first came to her mind.
“Who said they were getting back together?” Leda smirked. Gwen’s eyes rounded in shock.
“Are you telling me you’re not going to help get them back together? Why, I can’t believe that you would--” Leda cut her off with a laugh.
“Are you kidding? I want them to be together more than anything in the world. If we let Lily know that, she won’t speak to us. Now, she’s not very good at holding a grudge, so this will pass over in about a day. However, with the constant reminder of Holly and James in the same house, this really doesn’t help. We should make her hate him so that when she finds out how crazy he is about her, she’ll be completely shocked and won’t believe her luck.” Gwen’s expression clearly showed what she thought, but she voiced it anyway.
“That is ludicrous. You think you’d take the easy way and simply talk, but nope, you’ll use deception and misdirection to bring her, ultimately, onto the right path. More to the point, is Lily even capable of hating someone?” She paused and seemed to consider the full weight of the plan. Then she grinned wickedly. “It sounds perfect. I just hope she doesn’t hate us by the end of this.”
Leda smiled at Gwen, her eyes shining. “She can’t hold a grudge,” she nearly sang.
Lily woke up the next morning with a weight on her shoulders. Once her mind cleared, she realized it was hurt feelings about James. She took a deep breath to calm herself and focus. I will not think about that again, she vowed. James is a lowlife bacteria-digesting amoeba and I will not have anything to do with him ever again. Part of her was very pleased. She urged it to come out and, hoping it would last through the day, began to sit up in bed and get ready for the day ahead. Her routine was interrupted, however, when her curtains flew open, revealing Leda and Gwen with looks of sympathy on their faces. Gwen was holding a tea tray that had toast, juice, and a number of pastries.
“The man should be thrown in a shower of undiluted bubotuber pus,” Gwen said without regret.
“Then, they shower him with gold and sic a niffler on him,” Leda finished, reciting her line with conviction.
Lily smiled gratefully at her friends. Who needs a fool of a man when I have such great friends? Leaving the rhetoric in her mind, Lily made room on her bed for them to sit. They did, each grabbing a pastry and some juice.
After a few minutes, Lily finally spoke. “So, did you two go back to the dance?” Gwen and Leda both were thunderstruck. That hadn’t been an anticipated question.
“No, of course not! We came back up to bully James. Besides, we’re your friends, where’s the logic in going back to the dance when you’re hurt?” Gwen asked.
Heat crept up to Lily’s cheeks. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound vengeful.” She paused, contemplating a third piece of toast. Deciding there was no harm in it, she plucked it off the tray and nibbled, thinking about her next words. She swallowed, but kept her gaze on her toast when she spoke. “I won’t mind if you still hang out around the Marauders. I can’t keep you away from Remus and Sirius.” Gwen and Leda exchanged worried glances. It appeared their plan to make Lily “hate” James would be very, very tough.
“Lil, just realize that it doesn’t mean we’re abandoning you. If you are feeling uncomfortable one night, then just call us over,” Leda assured Lily. A single tear leaked out of Lily’s eye. She brushed it away impatiently.
“I’m not going to let him get away with anymore of his troublemaking schemes,” she announced proudly, lifting her head. Leda saw a gleam in her eye.
“Yeah, Lily, don’t let him try to walk all over you!” Leda encouraged. Giving Gwen a meaningful look, Gwen piped up, “yeah! Don’t just stand there and have him strut around Gryffindor Tower like this!”
Lily’s eyes brightened at the thought of pulling James down off his high horse. It’s about time, she thought. Very pleased with herself, she grinned evilly. "I’m going to the library to finish my homework.”
“You already finished it,” Leda pointed out.
“Hm, I forgot…Well then, time to research.” She marched out of the dormitory and straight to the showers leaving Leda and Gwen sitting on her bed, perplexed.
“Research what?” Leda asked.
“I don’t know, but it’s not going to help our plan,” Gwen pointed out.
“Maybe it could, but we’d have to start sowing the seeds now.”
“Why don’t we see where Lily takes it? I mean, she could lead to being very upset with him without our help,” Gwen mused.
“That would be a lot better,” Leda admitted.
“And easier,” Gwen finished. The two friends sighed together.
Five more days passed and the beginning of the second term started. Lily had spent most of her time in the library researching whatever it was she on about. This didn’t bother Leda and Gwen at all. She was most likely figuring out a way to get James back, which made them all the more happier.
One night, the Marauders, Aleydis, and Gwen sat in the common room around the fire. Peter sat with Sirius and Remus, who were amusing the girls with tricks and bad jokes. James sat a little apart from the group, brooding. Finally, he slapped his hands against the arms of his chair and stood up.
“I’ve had enough of this.” He strolled to the bottom of the girls’ staircase, but stopped abruptly. “Lily, come down here, we need to talk.” Lily must have been standing at the landing of the staircase, because Leda could hear a muffled “No” drift down the staircase. James gripped his hands into fists, trying to control himself.
“Why do I have to come down?” she asked, filling her voice with sarcasm and insult. James looked taken aback. Steeling himself against punishment, he started up the stairway and was stopped jerkily. A shower of silver sparks flew down the staircase. A high-pitched wail sounded and the stairs smoothed to form a slide. James appeared at the bottom of the stairs on his face. He pushed himself up, gaping at the stairway. It hasn’t done that before! Lily came sliding down, her prefect badge shining on her chest. She walked by James as if he wasn’t even there. She walked up next to Leda and Gwen. She leaned down conspiratorially.
“Did you know,” she began, her voice carrying through the room, “that’s there’s an old fashioned rule about that staircase? Apparently, someone decided to disable it, embracing the ‘free love’ concept. I thought it was time it was reinstated.” Gwen bit the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing and Leda stared at the floor. James’ expression would have been comical if the hurt had not shown itself when Lily walked by, completely disregarding him.
Down the slide shot Holly Lightwood, landing on her butt. She pulled herself up, looking flustered. At Lily’s none-too-innocent look, she cleared a warpath toward her.
Uh oh was the single thought that passed through Lily’s mind before she stood in the shadow of the much taller girl.
“What did you do?” Holly growled threateningly. She stood a head taller than Lily and used all of the extra height to her advantage.
“You would know if you’d been down here about thirty seconds earlier,” she responded smartly, hating herself for her shaking knees and clammy hands. Here was the real reason behind what Lily had done. If the rule was reinstated, no male could walk up the girls’ staircase. James wouldn’t be able to “visit” Holly, or any other girl for that matter.
Completely forgetting the night of the ball, or having a selective memory, James strode into the middle of Lily and Holly.
“Holly, go away, she’s just taking care of a school rule.” Both pairs of eyes shot to him and glared at him. Holly’s hazel eyes had confusion in them. Lily’s green darts had anger and hurt.
“Go away, Potter! I’m handling this. I don’t need your help,” she said lowly.
James sputtered. “What? All I’m doing is--”
“What? What are you doing, huh? You don’t need to poke your big head into every situation. Did you know that there’s a very good chance that this conversation has absolutely nothing to do with you?” Gwen and Leda exchanged impressed looks. James’ mouth had become a large, gaping hole. For once, no words could escape him and for the first time in his life, he knew what everyone meant when their heart split completely into two.
Holly stood by, utterly confused, but amused. “Well, I can see my work here is done,” she mused. Lily turned back to Holly, ignoring James.
“Now, did you have a problem?” Lily tried to keep her voice pleasantly polite, but instead it came out as a dagger.
“Um, no. I was just wondering what you did…Yeah…” Without any further response from Lily, she hurried away.
Quite proud of herself, Lily left the common room at a near swagger. James sank into a chair across from Leda and Gwen. “She must still be upset about the dance. You guys have got to help me.” Leda had to stifle a smile as the next step to her plan was falling into place.
“My advice would be to leave her alone. Then again, that might make her distance herself more from you. So maybe you should pursue her. Actively.”
“Obsessively,” Gwen put in. James slanted her a look.
“I’m not going to become some weird slave to her.”
“Did I say ‘obsessively’? Oh, I meant…’incessantly’!” Gwen exclaimed, thinking of it on the spot. James continued to look at her as if she were half-sane. “I’m going to find Remus.” She waved a little goodbye and bounced off, leaving Leda to her part.
“So you think I should really go after her?” he asked.
“Of course. You’ll break her down. I’ve known her for years; it’s impossible for her to hold a grudge. I’m surprised she’s lasted this long.” James had a contemplative look. Finally, he sat up straight and got up. “Where are you going?”
“Research.” With that, he left.
Leda cast her eyes at the ceiling. “Research. No wonder you two are made for each other.”
Surprisingly, Lily could hold a grudge. In classes where she and James sat next to each other, she would simply pretend he wasn’t there; not that she didn’t already. She would completely ignore him at all meals. She acted as happy as ever, but everyone noticed a difference in her. Her smiles didn’t reach her eyes, which were shadowed. When she thought no one was looking, she would glance at James with longing. Both parties were absolutely miserable. In Gryffindor Tower, no one knew whose side to take. They all knew of James’ new quest to win Lily back and of Lily’s determination to avoid him at all costs.
At the beginning of term, there had been a slight scuffle between two Slytherins and two Gryffindors. The argument? Who the winners of the King and Queen of the ball were. To the Gryffindors, Lily and James were the winners. To the Slytherins, Lucius and Narcissa Black, Sirius’ cousin, were the winners. All four had been sent to the hospital wing and returned to classes within a few days.
Now we come to the beginning of February. Due to Lily’s ingenious use of magic on the staircase, couples needed a new secret place to snog. Lily’s new venture was to find the place and set everyone straight about school rules. One night after the lights had gone out, she prowled the castle looking for couples. She was lucky and found a few in empty classrooms and sent them on their way.
As she walked down a corridor in an upper floor of the castle, she heard a clank down the hall. She quickened her pace and came to the classroom from which the sound emanated. She peeked her head in and was very sorry she had. Inside was James, messing around with a piece of parchment. As she was about to sneak away, James started in his chair, stuffing the parchment in his pocket and spinning rapidly. He attempted a look of surprise.
“Ah! What are you doing here, Evans? Prowling at night? Now why would you do that, you’re a prefect!” He shifted his gaze when she cut him into tiny pieces with her dark green stare.
“Don’t even get me started, Potter. Why are you out and about after dark? You do know that’s against school rules, right?” She scoffed.
“Why are you out?” he asked, trying to make her forget what she was asking him. It worked with most of the teachers.
If it was possible, Lily’s eyes seemed to glare even deeper into James. “What have you got there?” She pointed to his pocket and the paper sticking out.
“Spare parchment,” he answered innocently, if that was possible.
“Yeah, right, and I’m the Minister of Magic.”
James hung his head, seemingly defeated. “Alright, I confess! I was writing a sickeningly disgusting love letter to you asking for your forgiveness. That’s what you want right?” Horrified at the idea of any love letter (whether real or fake) addressed to her, Lily spun on her heel and continued down the corridor toward the Astronomy Tower. She heard pounding footsteps behind her and had to resist the teasing temptation of a few good hexes or jinxes.
“So, can I help with your prefectly duties?” asked James, pretending the previous conversation hadn’t even happened. Lily nearly said yes, anxious to liven up the incredibly dull and unnecessary job of finding the secret snogging place. She brusquely waved him off when she remembered the whole reason she was wasting her time like this. It was walking right next to her, hair tousled unbelievably.
“Why do you insist on torturing me like this?”
James visibly jerked at the question. “Torture? I’m not torturing you! Torturing you would be tying you to a bedpost and slowing tickling your foot with a feather while a vat of boiling bubotuber pus hangs above your head, waiting to spill at the first instant you move.”
“That was rather inventive,” Lily admitted.
“Thanks. So, can you forgive me?” Lily stopped then and turned to face him.
“You’ve been asking me this for nearly a month. My response has always been no. If you’re too thickheaded to grasp the concept of me not liking you, then use a Severing Charm on your head to deflate it.”
James ignored everything she had said except for liking him. “Like me? Lily, you damn near--” He stopped as his eyes crossed to look at the wand pointed at the tip of his nose. Lily’s mouth bowed in a frown of fury, her eyes nearly slits of jade.
“Don’t you ever bring that up again, do you hear me? I’ll hit you with every hex and jinx that was every invented! You’re lucky I haven’t already!”
“I didn’t know a prefect could threaten other students. Pretty impressive powers.” He was extremely satisfied when sparks emitted from her wand, burning his nose slightly. He could tell she was about to hex him and was saved when her head turned to stair up a staircase. The Astronomy Tower! Of course! Lily thought. She turned, leaving James in her wake as she bounded up the stairs. She found about seven couples, each huddled into a shady spot (even though it was already dark) of the landing.
“Okay everyone, time to go! You shouldn’t be out after hours! Go back to your houses or I’ll deduct points!” she said loudly enough so everyone could hear. Luckily, everyone got up without a fight. When Lily got to the end of the staircase, she was mildly annoyed to find James still there.
“What are you still doing here?”
“Waiting for you,” he answered honestly. Lily began to walk at a steady pace to Gryffindor Tower.
“Why, James?”
Ah ha, James thought. She still knows my name, that’s a good sign. “I’d like to talk to you.”
“We have talked. We have nothing more to discuss.”
“Lily, I want you to understand something. I wasn’t purposely chasing Lightwood.”
“Look, James, she’s a beautiful girl. I can definitely understand if you have…urges for someone like that.” At this, James grabbed Lily’s shoulders and shook her.
“Lily, I don’t want Lightwood, okay? I want you, and to answer your question, not like that. We had something. We were friends before anything! Can you honestly say that you have no more feelings for me, whatsoever. Make that positive feelings.” He glanced at the portrait of the fat lady and absently said, “Pumpernickel” before trying to continue. When he turned back to Lily, he saw her eyes were glittering, but not with anger. They glittered with tears.
“James, that’s the problem. I have feelings for you. More than I care to explore. You hurt them. How could I ever trust you again, even as a friend? By knowing me as well as you claim to, why can’t you see what is so pitifully obvious?” Turning away, she walked up the stairs to the girls’ dormitory and didn’t look back.