Meeting him turned out to be more of an ordeal than I could ever have imagined. For one thing, in all my weeks at the Weasley household I had learned one thing. Mrs. Weasley was an extraordinarily light sleeper, and her motherly instincts were honed so well that she always knew when something in the house wasn’t quite right. I could only hope that if I became a mother someday my instincts would never be like hers, and maybe I could give my own children some sort of privacy, but I knew it was not to be.
I was already a very light sleeper. I knew how to move so as not to wake anyone else, but still I could not help my heart racing in my chest from the combined anxiety of meeting the newly restored Ron and Mrs. Weasley’s watching stare, as I crept past the master bedroom. In all honesty, I was ambivalent in deciding if what I was doing was right. I had teased him all these years. I wasn’t even sure if he had meant what I thought he meant.
Still, something in me urged me on. I didn’t want to let go, and I was so close. As I slid out of the screen door, I saw his tall form silhouetted again the fence. The warm night air fluttered my hair, and goosebumps rose on my arms. I realized then that I was still wearing my pajamas. I almost laughed in spite of myself. A fine way to reacquaint oneself, I thought, smiling.
“Good of you to come,” Ron said, pushing his hands deeper into his pockets. “I was worried.” In the faint moonlight, I could see frown lines deepening in his forehead. I longed to trace them with my finger, I loved him so.
“No need,” I said quickly. “I was afraid I’d wake your mother.”
“Ah.” I knew if I had been able to see his face more clearly, he would have been bright red. It had been a long time since he had done something so bold as this. I wouldn’t ruin his attempts tonight. An awkward silence fell between us, like some sort of muffling blanket. Neither one of us seemed to want to speak. The night air was warm, and each was pondering what to say.
He was the one who finally spoke. Clearing his throat gruffly, he said, “I meant to thank you earlier. You kept your promise.”
“I couldn’t let you die, Ron,” I said, drawing nearer to him. “You know how much you mean to me.” A space of about two feet stood between us.
“Well, thank you,” he said.
“And you kept your promise as well,” I said quickly, babbling to fill the silence. I felt like an idiot. “You were careful.”
“Yes, I was,” he said, shoving his hands deeper and deeper into his pockets. His eyes were shimmering in the darkness. I was drawing nearer.
“I never found out what happened that night,” I said softly, tipping my head to one side. “Everyone was so confused. I hardly had the time to ask Harry before he left.”
Ron sighed and took his hands out of his pockets. Looking up, he flopped onto his back in the grass behind his house. Looking up at me, he patted the ground beside him. Following suit, I took up a position beside him and prayed that I wouldn’t be overcome. Ron made a deep guttural sound and pointed up to the sky.
“See that?” he said, nodding and glancing at me.
“What?” I said, oblivious. I saw a dark night dotted with thousands of stars.
“The brightest one,” he said slowly, taking my hand. Taking my finger, he pointed with me up to the heavens, showing me what he wanted me to see. “That star is Sirius, the dog star.”
“Sirius died,” I said, not thinking. I could see the star, all right. It was right above us, and it seemed as though all the light being shed on us came from that single source. It was a beautiful night. The air was warm and the moon was full. I could feel him beside me; I could see his chest rising and falling as he breathed. Oh, how I wished to lie my head on his shoulder and be comforted!
“No, the star,” he said, almost laughing at me. “The brightest star in the sky. That’s what he was named after. His parents, he said, meant it as an oxymoron of sorts. That, or he would overcome the light. They never expected what he became.”
Silence coated the night. Ron sighed and stretched his hands behind his head, readjusting himself on the ground. He ended up a little closer to me than before, making my breath catch in my chest. “It was just like this before we went into the headquarters,” he said, taking great care to form his words. “I remember looking up into the sky and seeing the Dog Star. It was just as bright as it is now that night. I looked up and I remembered how dangerous what we were about to do was. Sirius died fighting the Dark Lord.”
“I wish he was here,” I said, sighing lightly and moving a bit closer to Ron. I wished he would stop playing and tell me what he came here to tell me. I couldn’t bear to be apart from him longer than I had to.
“We all do,” he said gently. “He was a great person.” A sigh of sadness escaped him, or at least that’s what I took it as. Perhaps he meant it as a sigh of remembrance or exhaustion. I may never know. As he continued, I could see the Dog Star in his eyes. “It was dark and we approached the mountain carefully. His servants were everywhere. At any moment, one of us could have been picked off, and no one would know.”
I shivered. Work for the Order was scarier than it sounded. Then I realized how much he had given to keep me out of trouble that time. I could tell be the sound of his voice: War had changed him. Oh, Ron, I thought. How I could love you!
“We stormed the mountain,” he said. “We were driven out almost instantly, but that wasn’t enough for them. Those of us who survived were forced to run like hell to avoid their spells flying at us from behind. I was running and seeing people fall around me. War isn’t pretty, Hermione.”
“I know,” I squeaked, almost inaudibly, goose bumps rising on my arms when he said my name.
“They surrounded us.” His voice was filled with terror. “There was no one to hear our cries for help. I looked up just as they were closing in and saw the Dog Star. It meant something different that time. Then it had meant hope; now it meant certain doom. I remember thinking that I was going to die, just like Sirius.”
Tears were coming into my eyes and my faced worked furiously to keep them away. I couldn’t bear to let him see me cry. But cry I did. I cried for him and those who were lost. I cried for the life that they might have had.
Ron sat up a little and looked at me. “That’s when I was hit. So many of the people in that circle died that day, and I was almost among them, Hermione. I can hardly believe I wasn’t there to fall at their sides. They gave their lives for freedom, and I was handed the coward’s way out.”
“You’re not a coward,” I said. “What you did was brave, at whatever price. You kept me out of danger as well,” I added as an afterthought.
“Yes,” he said, turning a little. I could see the moon reflected in his eyes and tears were shining there. He wasn’t going to cry in front of me, I knew it.
“Ron,” I said. “What does it say to you now? The Dog Star, I mean.”
“It says memory,” he answered, without hesitation. “It tells me that I fell behind. It reminds me of what I’ve lost.”
I stifled a whimper. I couldn’t bear to see him like this.
“Hope,” I whispered. “Hope for tomorrow. I’m so glad you made it back. I have you back.”
“You never loved me,” he said, his mind jumping into sync with mine. “It was always Harry, I thought. The hero.” He sighed. “I’m no hero.”
“You are,” I said. “We’re older now, and I understand.”
Ron smirked. “You see that star up there?” he said, pointing back at Sirius again. “That’s the star that was over us every time you rejected me. Every time you told me that I wasn’t good enough.”
“No, Ron,” I said softly, putting my hand on his. “No. You mean so much to me.” I had been stung by that last remark. “I don’t know what I’ll do without you.”
“It’s not as easy as that,” he said, moving his hand. “It’s not what I’ll have, but what I’ll have to lose. I can’t lose you, so I can’t have you. Hermione, you don’t know what you want yet, and until then, we can’t be together.” He smiled and ran his hands through his hair incredulously. “To think,” he said, more to himself than me. “I had intended to tell you everything tonight, but I’m ending it instead.” He looked at me. “Funny, isn’t it?”
My throat began to hurt from all my attempts to stop crying. I let the tears flow freely down my face. I couldn’t believe it. I knew I deserved it, but it still hurt. I knew it was true. All those times I had rejected him “ how could I think that a simple apology could make him forgive me?
“I’m sorry, Ron,” I squeaked, unable to keep control of myself. “I didn’t understand.”
He looked appraisingly at me. “Neither did I.”
The moon was still shining bright over us, and the Dog Star was still gleaming in its place. The fireflies were glowing around us, hanging in midair like little beacons of light and hope. I could feel no light. I could feel no hope. All I could feel was emptiness, the absence of love. I knew he loved me as much as I loved him, but he was older. He understood. Warm tears quickly turned cold as they found their way down my neck.
“I won’t try to kiss you this time,” he said, turning away. “That wouldn’t be fair.” He turned and walked back into the house as sobs began to shake my body. I rolled over into the grass and cried until a grey rim crept up on the horizon and the birds had begun to sing in the trees. The house would be up soon, and I had a feeling I was moving out today.
A twittering had started in the row of pine trees behind the house. A rustling in the bushes told me that the garden gnomes as well had begun their day. It was indeed time for me to make an entrance in the Weasley household, even if it did mean seeing Ron again.
I managed to make my way quietly up the stairs. Not one creaked. The house seemed to have taken on the same feeling as I had. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, nor did I want to see them. I needed time to myself more than anything else at that moment, and I would demand peace.
I felt as if nothing could lift my mood. Ron had been everything to me, and I didn’t know what I would do if I couldn’t be with him. I had apologized, but he continued to be mad at me. It wasn’t like him. War had changed him “ either physically or mentally “ I couldn’t decide. Something about him was different, and I couldn’t seem to figure out what.
I lay in bed, listening to the house. The roof creaked silently as the house settled around me, and birds twittered in the trees. I fought against the tears that threatened to plague me once more and bit down hard on my comforter. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I had to get out of this house “ this house that reminded me of everything I had lost. I had to leave.
Quickly, I packed my things, throwing all my belongings haphazardly into my suitcase. I fought off tears for the last time, and resolved to go. I made my way down the stairs. When I saw Ron downstairs, I couldn’t look him in the eye. It was unbearable. He was everything I had lost, everything I had left behind.
He didn’t want to look at me either, it seemed. He was jumpy all morning through breakfast, and didn’t move when I announced that I should be going.
“But Hermione,” Mrs. Weasley protested, bewildered, “can’t you stay a bit longer? We don’t mind at all.”
But I did. If I spent another moment around Ron, I would explode. Mrs. Weasley tried to send him along with me, but I declined. I hated to tell her I no longer wanted to stay at her house, but I couldn’t speak about her son without tearing.
And so, broken and undone, I returned home. Arrangements had been made, and Hannah had agreed to let me live with her until I could get my own place back. For the moment at the very least, it looked as if Ron and I were never meant to be.
A/N- Okay guys, I know I kind of left this chapter hanging as well, but I wanted to get it up quickly, and not waste time. I hated what happened with the last chapter, so I’m going to put this one up now. Check out my other fics, including my newest one called “The Love Potion.” *gasp!* It’s not under Romance fics, it’s under Humor! I know, it’s amazing. Anyway, check it out and tell me what you think. Thanks!