Thinking back, there were times when I was not afraid of love. There had been a time when Ron knew that I loved him and that I didn’t have to pretend. These times were long gone, but I always remembered them. History repeats itself, and if we cannot learn from history, we can learn from nothing.
I looked out the window. It was early in the morning, and frost was painted on the circular window in the dormitory. The shades of pink and gold were just fading away and giving way to the light of the early morning, which was full blown and glorious. I could see my breath against the window panes, and outside, I could see Ron walking by the lake.
I turned from the window and back to my books. If I wanted the proper marks for my career as a Healer, I would have to study. There would be no foolery today, no matter what day of the week.
A rock hit my window. I stood up and peered out of it into the cold, where Ron was standing. He was laughing and beckoning for me to come out with him. I glanced around, but no one but him was near.
I opened the window and smiled down at him, chucking a balled up piece of parchment out the window. I closed the window and looked back at my pile of studying I had set out for myself. Healer training would have to wait “ Ron was waiting for me in the here and now. I hurried around the room to and fro, gathering up my gloves, scarf, coat, and hat. I nearly rushed out of the room without any of them, for all of my hurry.
The common room was deserted when I reached it, save for a few lingering fuddy-duddies like myself. They, too, were hoping to get a head start in life, but I was young and able to love. I was here with Ron.
I strolled out onto the grounds, but Ron was nowhere to be seen. I turned my head back and forth until I had almost giving up hope of finding him. When suddenly, I felt a pair of hands come from behind and tickle me until I was out of breath.
I landed in a pile of leaves at the foot of a tree with Ron staring down at me. “Ronald Weasley, I am going to kill you!” I shouted, tackling him. He laughed and fell willingly with my body on top of him.
“Aha, the triumphant returns,” he said, smirking and rolling out from under me. “What were you doing up there?”
“Studying,” I replied. “I need to get ahead if I ever want to be a Healer.”
Ron rolled his eyes. “I shouldn’t have asked,” he said, throwing a leaf at me. “Studying isn’t everything, you know.”
I returned the favor with a gigantic handful of the leaves. He gasped mockingly and pushed me down in the leaves. I inhaled their smell and looked up at Ron, pretending to glare at him. I rose up, indignant, leaves stuck in my bushy hair.
“Ronald!” I said, frustrated, picking the bits of leaves out of my hair. “You “”
He got up and ran, and I chased him across the grounds, armed with a fistful of leaves. Finally, exhausted, we landed at the edge of the lake, breathless and warm. We sat for a moment, staring out at the lake, feeling each other’s presence. The light was reflecting off the water and casting brilliant light patterns over the castle and the Dark forest, and even we were granted with its light. A light breeze began to blow, swirling the colored leaves of the Whomping Willow over the entirety of the ground. It was so beautiful. I had always loved Hogwarts in the autumn, and now I was sharing it with my Ron.
I turned to him. “So studying isn’t everything, Ron?” I said, raising an eyebrow. “What is everything?”
“I don’t know,” he said, his ears reddening. “I just know there’s something more.”
“What’s life if we can’t succeed?” I asked. “If we don’t accomplish anything, what’s left for us?”
Ron’s face was red as the sunrise we were facing now. I swore at that moment that if I had touched his face, I would have burned my finger. “What is there?” I repeated, causing his face to go redder.
He swallowed, looking at me. “There’s family,” he said, looking up. “There are values, there’s happiness. There’s love.”
I looked at him. There was honesty in his eyes, and color in his face. I didn’t know what to think. Everything “ all the barriers I had built up over the years all in that moment were broken down.
“There’s you, Hermione,” he said anxiously. “There’s you.”
I didn’t want to kiss him. I didn’t want to show the feelings I had swallowed since third year. I didn’t want to let him know how much I loved him. I didn’t want to hold him and for him to hold me. Success was what I wanted. Prestige, power in magical world. I wanted to achieve success, and there was no room for romance in the life that I wished to lead.
“Hermione, say something,” he said, reaching out for my hand. I pulled away, tears in my eyes. I didn’t want to say I loved him, but it was wrong to lie.
I blinked the tears away. What did greatness matter when I had love? What greatness could I achieve with him, the one I loved? The barriers crashed down I my head and my lips formed the words, “I love you, Ron.”
I leaned in gently and kissed him. I was lost to success; lost to greatness, lost to the woman I wanted to be. All I could think about was Ron and how much greatness he would bring to me. He was the one I would spend the rest of my life with “ I knew it in my very heart of hearts. This was surely the meaning of love, and in that moment, that one second of bliss, I knew the power of love.
As we broke, I felt my heart break. I needed him to be near me, but I couldn’t be near him. He was a distraction, and I needed to achieve before I could love. My heart was tearing, but I could not let him know.
“Ron,” I breathed, as I felt his hand on my neck. “Ron, I can’t.”
His eyes filled with confusion. “Hermione,” he said. “We just … you just … I love you.”
“I know Ron, and believe me I don’t want to hurt you,” I said, knowing that I already had. “I have so much more to accomplish. Love doesn’t fit in my agenda.”
Before I could remember leaving his side, I was running away. I don’t know why I left him that day, but I did just the same. I left because I didn’t want to hurt him, but the pain inside me is screaming louder every day. I can’t take much more of this, and now that he is wounded...
I woke with a start. There was a loud crack inside my room and the lights flickered on. Harry appeared inside my room.
“Hermione,” he said seriously. “Come on. The Order needs you.”
Blindly, I rose from my bed and followed him down the stairs of my apartment. “Can’t we Apparate?”
Harry brought a finger to my lips. “No,” he said softly. “We’re being watched.”
We spent a few more moments in silence, running down the hallways. “Here’s the Portkey,” Harry said, grabbing my hand. “Ready? Three … two … one …”
I felt a jerk from behind my navel, and we were speeding off to some unknown destination.
We arrived in a windswept heap between two houses, number eleven and number thirteen. I looked around. I knew where I was. I had been here once before, many years ago …
“The headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix can be found at Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place,” Harry said quietly. Immediately, a large house came into view, and we hurried quickly inside.
“Don’t speak, Hermione,” he said, pulling me by my arm. “We need to act quickly.”
I wouldn’t have spoken anyway. I knew how much there had to be at stake for the Order to call me into action. It was a rarity for me to even see people like Professor Dumbledore anymore, as he was so often on some secret mission or another, and people like Harry were nothing short of forbidden to leave the house at some times. Nevertheless, Harry had come to see me the night before battle, and that comforted me.
Silently, we passed the portrait of Sirius’ mother. I knew it had to be killing Harry to be back in this house again after all that had happened, but I also knew that he had inherited it. It was the most convenient place to have a secret headquarters, so he would just have to put up with it. Nonetheless, my heart reached out to Harry in his misery.
As he was dragging me along, my legs got dangerously close to hitting the umbrella stand. I moved them out of the way, and thought I had gotten past them, when suddenly “
“Dammit!” shouted Harry, holding his leg. So much for a narrowly averted catastrophe. As you can imagine, the red curtains ripped open, revealing Sirius’ mother, who began to wail inconsolably and angrily. I could have kicked Harry for it, but I suppose it couldn’t be helped.
Mrs. Weasley immediately rushed out into the hallway, sending a jet of red light at the portrait. “That’ll shut her up,” she said, wrenching the curtains closed over the gaunt woman. “Hermione, it’s so good to see you … again.” She smiled and led me silently into the kitchen.
I was surprised by the mass of faces that greeted me. Minerva McGonagall was there, as well as Professor Snape. Ginny had her hair tied back and was staring down at a map of something. Fred and George, for the first time in their lives, were looking rather serious, and it was that which scared me the most. Harry glided in and took his place next to Ginny, while I sat down between Mrs. Weasley and Professor McGonagall.
“Hermione,” Mr. Weasley said from the head of the table, leaning forward so that everyone could hear. “When we attacked … V “ Voldemort’s … headquarters, there were a lot of casualties. We …”
“Ron’s all right,” I said quickly, blushing. “I saw Neville, too, but I don’t know what happened to him.”
Mrs. Weasley broke down into tears. “Oh, Arthur,” she said, sobbing into her hands. “I was so afraid …”
“We all were, Molly,” he said consolingly, “but that is not why we called this meeting.”
A puzzled expression fixed itself to my face, and I stared at Mr. Weasley. He chuckled and said, “Hermione, listen. We knew. We did have inside contacts. We have them everywhere.”
“Oh,” I said, still less than informed. “Why am I here, then?”
“When we stormed … his … headquarters, we lost. But we found something.” He reached across the table and took the map that Ginny had been examining. “This is a map of St. Mungo’s,” he said, holding it up. “Evidently, they lured us into thinking that storming the headquarters would be an excellent idea. It worked, but they didn’t count on us finding their plans.” He held up the map. “This has plans for St. Mungo’s on it. They have a Death Eater stationed inside St. Mungo’s. An inside organization, of sorts.”
I blanched. Inside St. Mungo’s? Were they crazy? The wizard hospital was among the most magically secure building in England. How could the Death Eaters possibly penetrate it?
“Hermione, I know it seems ridiculous,” Ginny said, leaning forward, “but you’ve got to believe us.”
I looked around the table. Tonks was there, her violently purple hair nearly blinding me. Harry was looking down at his knees, trying to be invisible. I wished he wouldn’t. He had done that so much in the last few years that I hated to see him do it any more. He was fighting now for the lives of many “ he had nothing of which be ashamed.
“Do “ do you have a name?” I asked, surveying the table once more. They looked so honest.
“No, Hermione, we don’t,” Ginny said, pushing her hair out of her face. “We don’t even know if the person is there yet.”
“Whoever it is,” interjected Lupin, looking up for the first time from his end of the table, “he won’t be a widely known face or name. More than likely, he’ll be a nameless person “ someone that you or I have never heard of. If he is there, he’ll have been there for a long time, and you would never know it.”
I began to rake through my memory, combing every last detail for a face, a name, anything that would suggest this sort of inside organization. I saw Adrienne, Deanna, Bertram, every face of person that I knew. Hannah, even, the most innocent person that I knew, came to mind. In my mind, everyone was a danger “ a danger to Ron. I saw Redman, that man who always hated me …
“I know who it is!” I exclaimed, sitting up straight.
“Keep in mind, Hermione,” Lupin cautioned, causing me to slouch back down, “that it may not be the one who immediately comes to mind. The Dark Lord is subtle in actions, especially in those regarding secrecy. He has dealt in it for most of his life, so do not think him a fool to make the solution so obvious.”
“Hermione, please,” Mrs. Weasley begged. “Don’t try to be the hero. That won’t end up where you want it to. People’s lives are at stake. Whoever it is will be killing patients at St. Mungo’s and they will not leave a trace behind them. It is very unlikely that they will use an Unforgiveable, because those are so easy to identify. You can think through this logically, and that is why you are his perfect counterpart.”
I nodded, wringing my hands. Ron was in my ward. His life was in my hands, and now they were saying that there was someone inside the hospital walls trying to end his life? I could already hardly concentrate on what I needed to do, simply because of Ron’s presence in the ward! Now that he was in danger, and I was in danger, how much harder did they need to make it?
I was being tested.
“All right,” I said. “I knew this would happen. Ron’s all right. I’ve got to work in the morning “ I’ll work it out from there. Good night.”
Outside Number Twelve, Harry and the Weasleys bid me goodbye. “Harry, good luck,” I said, smiling at him and Ginny. “Thank you.”
“Goodbye, Hermione, dear,” said Mrs. Weasley, hugging me and kissing me on the cheek. “Keep a sharp watch and be careful. Good luck.”
Luck. I felt that if magnified a thousand times, luck would not be enough to see me through this.