The next morning, I woke up early. It was five-thirty in the morning, which was especially early, even for me. I rolled unwillingly out of bed and shuffled over to my coffee pot.
Yes, I know what you’re all saying “ the British don’t drink coffee! That’s too bad. I had developed a habit of drinking it on the days when I worked late and got up the next morning to do the day shift. Since then, I had become a caffeine addict. Right then, my body craved it. The never-ending, eternal, insufferable headache was coming on, and my fingers had begun to shake. Those were always my symptoms. I hated this addiction, but it kept me awake.
I sipped my coffee in silence. My eyes blinked slowly of their own accord, slowly clearing the mist that sleep had brought. I could hardly remember what had happened the previous morning, but luckily, I wouldn’t have to work again until midnight.
The word struck a chord with me. Midnight. There was something that I was supposed to remember about that.
I sat bolt upright. Of course! It was tonight at midnight that something terrible was supposed to happen. I couldn’t say what, exactly; the previous day’s conversation in the closet wasn’t enough to tell me that. This I knew, however “ Ron was not safe while this information stayed locked within me.
I continued to sip my coffee, draining it down to the dregs. I would tell Adrienne, I discerned, but she wouldn’t be awake yet. She worked all the night shifts, and would have only gotten home a few hours ago. In the mean time, I drew a very hot bath.
I liked to take these on occasion, if only to sort out what I was thinking. Maybe not so much to sort everything out, but to wash everything away. If anyone needed help at the moment, it was me. I pulled the tap and sank into the foamy mass of water.
I loved him. I knew that. It should have been clear the moment I saw him. I couldn’t deny my feelings any longer “ he was the one who supplied breath for me, and I could not live without him. But I would have to. I didn’t deserve him. I was the one who had originally betrayed him, and nothing could take that away, not even the cleansing streams of the bathtub. I was still sitting in my own filth, even if it made me feel clean.
I was filthy, dirty, unworthy. I couldn’t live up to any standard, and Ron was the least of my worries. I had left him there in the hospital, not thinking about his condition for any other reason than for my sanity. Then I wondered whether my sanity would be in question if it had been anyone else. Ron, I thought, sinking down into the bubbles. I remember.
My head disappeared beneath the water, and I was no longer in my apartment.
“Hermione the Healer,” he scoffed for the fortieth time that day. “Why not do something useful with your time?”
“It is useful, Ron,” I said indignantly, drawing my hand dramatically across my chest. “What about all those people who need the Healers? We are highly respected among the magical community.”
Ron rolled his eyes. “Yeah, whatever,” he said, feigning disinterest.
I laughed at him, and joy filled his eyes. Immediately, my heart sunk into my stomach. I hated when that happened. Every time it had, I felt a great remorse at what I had done. I had played him for a fool, and he knew no better.
It was several hours later when he finally approached me.
“I’m really proud of you, Hermione,” he said, his ears reddening a bit. “You did it.”
“Thanks,” I said, blushing, my heart sinking further. “I’m glad.”
We stood there for a moment, not looking at each other. He seemed to become quite friendly with his shoes for a moment, and I couldn’t take my eyes off the grass. When I finally glanced up at him, his eyes shone like an inextinguishable fire. He moved a step closer.
“Hermione,” he said, lifting his hand to my face. His hand seemed to burn me at the touch, but I couldn’t look away. His blue eyes were shining like the sea after a storm, and everything was perfect. I couldn’t imagine life apart from him.
He took his other hand under my chin and lifted it. I could feel my lips brushing gently against his. I could feel his warm breath on my neck. Truly, I thought, there was no life apart from this. And yet …
“Ron, no,” I said, pulling out of his grasp. Unnoticed by me, his hands had snaked their way around my waist. “Ron, I’m sorry.”
“Hermione, don’t do this to me again,” he said, his hands shaking. “I don’t think I can take it. I can’t live without you.”
“Ron,” I said gently. “You know what I want to do with my life. This is my graduation party. I need to know who I’m going to be.”
“Can’t I be a part of that?” he said, taking my hands in his. “It doesn’t matter. You can work and be successful “ and you can be with me. This isn’t logical “ nothing is logical without you, Hermione. I can’t think. I can’t breathe. You’re everything.”
I closed my eyes and freed my hands from him. I touched his cheek. “I’m sorry, but I can’t.” I walked away. That day, I had been wearing a white dress, but my heart was black, and there was nothing inside me.
My head broke the surface of the water, and I took in a deep breath. I had never heard of anyone crying underwater before, but I somehow managed it. The water’s calming effect hadn’t worked on me today. I rose from the bathtub and wrapped my bathrobe around myself.
A few hours later, I found myself at the door of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place. I didn’t know why I was there, but I felt that I needed to be in the company of those that I loved, just to make the pain go away. When I was by myself, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t feel “ everything was devoted to ignoring the unanswered questions about Ron that I had. He was my life, my very breath “ he was the beating of my heart.
I opened the door and crept inside. It was very quiet in the hallway, as it always was, because of Mrs. Black. A chill crept up my spine. Something was not right.
I edged quietly in the kitchen to find it deserted. Fresh bread lay on the counter, and the stove was heated. I crossed the kitchen to turn off the burner, and then I looked around.
Harry was standing in the doorway. “Merlin, Harry,” I said, jumping. “You scared me to death.”
“Sorry,” he said, turning his head aside. “What’s wrong?”
I was silent for a moment. “No, Harry,” I said, moving toward him. “What’s wrong with you?”
He wouldn’t speak. No matter how hard I tried to get it out of him, he wouldn’t tell me. “There’s nothing wrong,” he kept saying, over and over again, aggravating me more and more every time he said.
“Harry, I know you!” I shouted, flailing my arms like a great idiot. “I know when there’s something wrong, so for Merlin’s sake just tell me!”
He looked at me, his eyebrows raised.
“Please?” I returned, batting my eyelashes flirtatiously. “Tell me?”
“We can’t find Ginny,” he said, lowering his tone. “We’ve looked everywhere.”
I couldn’t speak. My throat seemed to have dried up. Ginny, my best friend “ disappeared?
“Where’s everywhere?” I finally managed to croak.
“The Ministry of Magic, Hogwarts, every room in this stinking house,” he said. “Nothing.”
I blinked. Ginny often went places without telling him, yet I had never seen him this worried. “Did you check St. Mungo’s?” I asked quickly, an idea popping into my head.
Harry’s brow furrowed, as if he was thinking hard. “Why would she go …” I glared at him, tapping my foot. “Oh!”
“Come on,” I said, taking him by his wrist. I Disapparated.
I materialized in the lobby a few seconds later. I only had to wait about thirty seconds before Harry showed up next to me with a pop.
“What took you so long?” I asked, walking upstairs with him. He shrugged at me, leaving me utterly confused. Luckily for him, we were upstairs in Ron’s ward before I could ask any questions.
Ginny was sitting beside her brother, crying. When Harry cleared his throat gruffly to announce our presence, Ginny looked back, her eyes bloodshot and puffy. “It’s okay, Gin,” said Harry, walking up beside her. “They’ll figure it out soon enough.” He looked at me as if to say, “Won’t they?”
I assumed a nervous position. I hadn’t wanted to be the one to relay this bit of information, but there was no one left to it. They had to know sometime. “Actually,” I said slowly. “We don’t know when he’ll wake up. This isn’t a magical sleep, it’s a coma. He’s undergone a serious bit of brain damage, and we are going to have to wait it out, just like the Muggles.”
Ginny looked at me, her brown eyes full of honesty, and began to cry again. I bowed my head. “Are you serious, Hermione?” Harry said, his voice cracking. “There’s nothing we can do?”
I began, “Well, it’s not as if his life is in danger. We just don’t know when he’ll wake up.” My throat began to hurt, and my eyes began to sting. My hands were shaking again, but not from a lack of caffeine. This time I felt horrible for not being able to do anything “ as if it was somehow my fault that Ron was in this condition. I couldn’t do anything. I felt helpless, coupled with loneliness, and tear stung my own eyes. I brushed them away quickly and looked at the young couple.
Then it hit me “ they were happy. It wasn’t that they both had something that the other wanted; it wasn’t that they were pressured to marry. They married because they loved each other, and in marriage they were happy.
That was what love was about. It wasn’t about giving up what you already had; it wasn’t about quitting and giving up. It was about your best interests and your partner’s, and the fact that they fell into perfect sync. Oh, if only I had figured that out sooner.
I moved over to Ginny. “He’ll be okay, Gin,” I promised. “I won’t let him die.” Ginny nodded, but I could tell that she was by no means consoled. Subdued, perhaps, but never consoled.
After about fifteen minutes, they left. I wasn’t on duty, nor were any of my friends, so I was free to visit as I liked. I sat beside Ron’s bed and talked to him about the days when we were young. I told him all about how I had loved him since the day I first laid eyes on him; I poured out everything. I spoke to him of things that I had only just realized “ the value of love and of life. When I had nothing left to say, I went home.
Around ten o’clock that evening, I jumped and got ready for work. I would have to be there a little early in order to catch the inside operative at work. True; I would have to make up for being late the day before, so I had decided that eleven thirty would be the perfect time for my arrival.
I gathered my things about a minute before I had decided to be there and disappeared from my home. When I arrived a few minutes later in the lobby, it was the usual scene. Men and women with unusual disfigurements, children crying. It was unusual to see the lobby next to empty.
I checked in with Redman, who grunted at me. I hadn’t expected him to say much, because he hadn’t said a thing to me since the day before when I had been late. He shot me a shifty glance and looked back down at his work, while nodding by way of hello.
Adrienne came up behind me and grabbed my forearm. “Hermione,” she said, coming into stride with me. “You aren’t supposed to be here yet.” She looked worried, but I couldn’t say why.
“I know,” I said, grinning. “I was late yesterday, so I figured that I would come in early tonight …” My voice trailed off, as I remembered what I had said I would do that morning. “Krapf, I have something to tell you.” I stopped. Her eyes were biting through me. “Ade, are you all right?”
She nodded. “And don’t me that,” she said, glowering. “You know I hate it.”
“Sorry,” I said apologetically. “It’s just “ that look was weird.”
“What are you talking about?” she said, taking a hair tie from her wrist and scooping up her dark hair. “Mione, are you sure you’re all right?”
“Yeah,” I said. “And speaking of hating nicknames …”
“Sorry.”
We went upstairs to do our rounds together. We went to the Longbottoms first, as I always had to. Alice was sleeping peacefully, and I left a piece of Drooble’s Best Blowing Gum on her nightstand. Frank had fallen asleep in his chair. I would just leave him there, I supposed. It was impossible to get him to move.
After a little while, I realized the time. Although it was nearly midnight, I hadn’t thought much about the midnight invasion which I should have been inspecting. “Krapf,” I said, turning suddenly to her. Her eyes flashed and she looked at me.
“What?”
“I forgot, I was supposed to tell you something.”
“Calm down, woman. Just sit down here, and tell me what it is.”
“No, there’s no time,” I pleaded. “We’ve got to walk. I’ll tell you on the way.”
I told her the whole story. “Do you honestly believe that?” she said, a familiar whine in her voice. She sounded like a schoolgirl complaining of too much homework. “Really, Hermione. Think. It could be a janitor, yelling at some subordinate for being late to work.” She grinned. “You’re no stranger to that, you know.”
“Shut up, Ade,” I said, causing her to roll her eyes. “It’s not that. I know it isn’t. There’s got to be more to it than that.” I looked at her. “Krapf,” I said, looking closer. “Your eyes. They’re different.”
“What are you talking about?” she asked, folding her arms. “Honestly, Granger. I think you may be losing your mind.”
“Oh, whatever.” I glared at her. “We’ve just got to wait here until the operative comes along. She’ll be here any second.”
“She?” Adrienne pleaded. “How do you know it’s a she?”
“It was a woman’s voice,” I said. “I know it was, and don’t try to convince me otherwise.”
“How did you get into this conversation anyway?” she scoffed. “Did two of the Dark Lord’s operatives just come and have this conversation right in front of you?”
“No,” I said. “I told you, I was distracted when I Apparated. I ended up in a broom closet and that’s where they were.”
“Oh, come on,” she said mockingly, folding her arms again. “Do you really think that just because you’re distracted you’re going to end up in the middle of the Dark Lord’s secret goings on?”
“Shut up, Krapf.” I folded my own arms. “It wasn’t like that. I know it was something very significant.”
“Whatever,” she said. “Look. It’s five past twelve. Where’s your operative now?”
I looked at the clock. She was right. The minute hand had ticked past the appointed time within the broom closet. After such death threats, the operative certainly would not have dared disobey Voldemort’s command.
“Maybe you’re right,” I shrugged. “Maybe it didn’t mean anything.”
“Exactly,” she said. “You’re overreacting, Hermione. I’m afraid you’re starting to lose it.”
I shook my head and smiled. “I’m not that crazy yet,” I said, shrugging again. “Love just makes you do crazy things.”
Whatever I told Adrienne, I still wasn’t sure about the insignificance of the conversation I had overheard. No matter how unlikely it was, a woman’s intuition rarely lies to her, and of all people, I was not going to be fooled. Nothing would keep this away from me.
“Oh, you and love again,” Adrienne sighed, rolling her eyes. “Come on, Hermione. Let it go.”
Let it go. There she was right. I should have let it go years and years ago. In fact, I had tried to do just that. I had failed miserably. I couldn’t live without Ronald Weasley, that was a fact.
Whoever Voldemort’s delegate had been, she hadn’t shown up tonight, and one could only wonder why. Perhaps it was that I was here. Maybe I had been dreaming, but I doubted it greatly.
Whatever it was, she had slipped out from under my thumb once again.
And another thing “ Adrienne would never sit right with me again. She was acting weirdly, and I didn’t like that. She had changed, or something had changed her. I was determined to find out what it was.
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*First, thank you to all of the seventy-two people who have reviewed! There are so many, and you all are very dear to me.
**Second, I am thinking of changing the name to "Someone To Die For." It's more approapriate to the story in general. Plus, I love that song. If any of you have any feedback on that name, by all means review and tell me. No, this does not necessarily mean that anyone will be dying. Calm down.
Mind you, if I don't get any feedback, I'm going to change it. So if you all really like the current title, please let me know.