A/N: I believe this chapter should be rated Pg-13 because of some of it’s content, nothing earth shaking, just a few bits of language and some of Sirius’ thoughts. I hate to make another angsty chapter, actually I find this one a little more angsty than the last, but you’ll live through it. Happier times are on the way, hee hee. Here you are…
Remus sulked for a good hour before he gathered up the courage to pick up the diary again. He remembered quite clearly the events of October 31st of his sixth year, when his fellow Marauders had seen the monster in him, portrayed at it’s worst. He had come close to killing Elise, and what had frightened him the most, was that he had wanted to. He’d wanted tear and rip and hear the screams. He’d wanted to see suffering, he’d wanted a soul to suffer as he had. To inflict pain would have relieved his werewolf heart… so many times he had wished others to endure what he had endured, to experience the pains and heartaches for themselves, before they judged… it was only fair.
Remus had felt this blazing anger that night, and without thinking, without being able to think, he attacked. Sirius had come between Remus and his prey, and for a moment, Remus had hated the black dog more than any soul alive. Sirius’ grayest of blue eyes had met Remus’ own, and they blazed without pity… they were the last thing Moony saw before he passed out.
He had awoken the next morning in the hospital wing, with James at his side and Peter snoozing at the foot of the bed. It didn’t take more than a moment for him to realize what had happened, to realize that he had been tethered to the bed, and that James’ arm was wrapped in dressings. A stream of tears began to fall down Remus’ cheeks, horrified that he had such a nature.
That morning in the hospital wing, Remus had wanted so badly for Sirius to be there. He had wanted so deeply to say he was sorry and face the one that had foiled his plans, but mostly, to look into the eyes that had shown so much anger and see if they bore mercy.
He had feared Padfoot would never forgive him. Exposing the Marauders secret and his own was just as bad as murder in his opinion. Padfoot and Prongs had altered his world. Without them school was a bore, Moony was nothing, and life… well, life would be pointless. But Remus discovered how little he really knew about Sirius… he discovered it twenty years after the fact, in the little weathered diary on his lap.
November 1st, 1975:
It wasn’t night, but it wasn’t morning either. Two sat alone in the common room, a fire ablaze in the hearth, a soft orange glow and comforting warmth present. They sat facing each other, looking so small in grossly over padded armchairs, each silent with a kind of fearful apprehension.
Elise was bundled in a blanket, a cup of tea steaming in her hands. She still looked peaky, but the color was filtering back into her cheeks. Her eyes still held the look of someone who’d been crying for quite some time, puffy and a tinge red.
Sirius sat opposite her. His hair was slightly askew, tie hung over the back of his chair, and his collar was up, shirt unbuttoned loosely. He drew his head away from his hands, and brought his eyes to Elise, managing a weak smile.
“Feeling any better?” he asked softly.
Elise looked down, unable to meet his eyes. “A bit” she murmured.
“Oh,” came Sirius’ voice, faraway, barely there or anywhere.
At his feet lay James’ invisibility cloak. Remus reckoned Sirius had used it to creep back to the common room. It only added to the oddity of the scene. Sirius Black, the haughty, handsome pureblood, making nice with the drab little muggleborn Elise Collier, two who were never to be seen in the same company. In normal circumstances, conversing with Elise would have been something of a social suicide for Sirius, but now image mattered very little.
For once, the mudblood held the fate of the pureblood… Elise could ruin Sirius now with all but a word. She had seen the dog turn to boy, and witnessed the werewolf slowly transform into Remus as the cloud cover blocked the moonlight. She had witnessed and unearthed the Marauders greatest secret. It was all Sirius could do from blasting her memory away, as it would have been easier. Yet James had been against the idea, so now Sirius was left in the common room with poor Elise, thinking how best to rid himself of this problem.
She would tell for sure, his insides cried. After all, how could a girl who he used to call “Little Miss Ugly” forgive him and keep mum. It was a near impossible thought in his mind. Elise had hated Sirius since first year. She hated Sirius the way Lily hated James, and now as Sirius gazed into the abyss, regretting every ill natured thing he’d ever done in life, he saw no way out. Was this his time? Was it the ever-feared time of just deserves? Elise would blab because he had been a heartless bastard, and now he and his friends would pay for his cruelty.
Just as Sirius was feeling as bad as Satan himself, Elise’s voice came timidly from the opposite chair.
“Sirius?”
“Yeah…”
“How did you do it?”
Sirius’ eyes flashed up. “Do what?”
The teacup in her hands rattled against its saucer as she spoke. “I’ve been wanting to know for so long, but they said it was very difficult and I… did you ask McGonagall, did she tell you how? I mean… I’d just always wanted to know how to become one. Uh… I mean, oh I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking,” Elise ended sadly.
Sirius doubted very much that she hadn’t been thinking. Girls like that were always supposed to be on their toes, it just came with the territory. If you had glasses, you should know it all, or so Sirius thought. The rest of her words had not been at all what Sirius was expecting, it shocked him a little too much. Girls like that weren’t supposed to care about animagus and those sorts of things. After all, Sirius was the authority in the area. He knew girls like the back of his hand… or he thought he did.
“No you shouldn’t be sorry,” he said quickly. “It’s all- it’s all really my fault.”
There was another long moment of silence between them. Sirius would have given anything to be anywhere else, to be anyone else. Anything was better than the torture of silence and his own conscience. But then he remembered James in the hospital wing and decided he was somewhat better off.
James had rushed to Moony’s side the moment Sirius knocked him out. Moony responded to James tending, fitfully, lashing and snapping, inflicting a ghastly wound to James’ right arm and side. Sirius had then mustered the gusto to stupefy the werewolf, sending Moony rigid as a board. Not a moment after, the clouds had drifted to cover the moon, revealing a pale, sallow young Remus.
Sirius could hear James’ words screaming in his head, it was not something he could not put behind him, could never put behind him. He had never seen Prongs is such a state.
“Get her out of here, Sirius!” James had cried, pushing Sirius off him. The deep, bleeding gash on James’ arm had caused Sirius to rush to his side, but James didn’t want help. “Get her out of here, I said! Don’t stand there looking so stupid, do what I said!” Panic, and the fear in James’ voice had set Sirius cold, an icy chill trickling through him.
Sirius’ words flew from his mouth like they were barely his own. “But Remus… what about Remus! My God James, you can’t just leave him here!”
“I’ll take him back!” James gasped, clutching his arm, his eyes watering with pain.
“Like hell you will!” Sirius had bellowed back.
“Just- just do it!” James words gave it finality and Sirius knew he could not contradict.
A light flickered on from the castle entryway.
“That’ll be McGonagall, now take this!”
Sirius caught the invisibility cloak and flung it over himself and Elise just in time to miss McGonagall’s sight. The journey back to the common room had been dreamlike and surreal, so swift and strange, all the while with Moony on his mind.
Sirius’ thoughts were shifted back to the present, as Elise’s voice sounded.
“Is- is he okay, your werewolf friend?” It was almost as if she had been reading his mind.
Sirius looked up. Elise’s face held a soft concerned expression. So she was going to play nicely? Sirius had noticed that she had said, “your werewolf friend,” and not Remus. Perhaps this meant that she planned to keep quiet. Either way, Sirius was filled with relief and smiled.
“Yes, he’ll be all right.”
Elise nodded and then bit her lip. “I wont tell anyone, you know,” she vowed in nearly a whisper.
Sirius’ heart stopped. “You wont?” he caught himself exclaiming.
Elise grinned a bit broader at the surprise in his tone. “No I wont,” she said.
Sirius had trouble believing his own ears and posed her the question, “Why?”
“You see because…” she looked as if she was thinking deeply on it, but decided not to reply.
“Because why?” he repeated again.
“Oh nothing,” Elise smiled to herself, bringing the tea to her lips in a pursed sip. “I suppose it’s very fun then, doing what you want, when you want. I must say, you’re much more intelligent than I thought you were.”
It was an awkward complement, but Sirius was thankful just the same. The tight knot in his throat was lessening now…just hearing Elise’s voice and the calmness of her tone began to soothe him, and so he listened on, smiling slightly as she questioned him with a childlike curiosity of his adventures. She was so polite in the way she went about it, and so soft-spoken in her words, but ever so witty and Sirius couldn’t help but find her entertaining.
He was seeing Elise as he had never seen her before, charming and bubbly, yet somehow gracefully managing dignity as well. Amongst the painful thoughts of Moony and his Marauders, Sirius felt a spark of admiration for this girl who didn’t hate him when he had been so cruel, a girl who came out of a werewolf attack recovering so swiftly with laughter.
“It explains a lot,” she giggled, when Sirius humored her with an explanation of his nickname, Padfoot.
Sirius felt something in his stomach bubble when Elise giggled, tickling his insides to happiness. It was a kind of happiness he could not put his finger on… he wasn’t even sure it was happiness, but it was the strangest sensation and he found it very catching. He had expected to be the comforter this night, but instead played the role of the comforted, Elise settling him in the oddest way. He almost felt guilty. After all, it had been she who had nearly been attacked and not he.
It didn’t seem like the proper moment to yearn for carnal pleasures, but the way Elise was sitting before Sirius now, smiling, giddy and jovial, her hair windblown and rugged, spectacles abandoned… Sirius was beginning to drift towards attraction. In fact, now he was infatuated. It was easy to forget Moony and the lads when such a lovely girl was sitting there tickling his fancies.
His first thought had been, “How do you persuade a girl like that into bed with you?” And then his spirits soared, remembering his dorm was empty that night, then he fell back down to earth, realizing Elise probably wasn’t enough of a sucker to sleep with him. A devious little voice in the back of his mind said, “Kissing her a good long while would be just as good,” and then another voice said “No, go in for the kill!”
Sirius had an evil conscience and it was making him very confused. It shown by the blank expression on his face, and he discovered his eyes were fixed on Elise’s… Well, he was very embarrassed anyway.
“Sirius, maybe you should turn in,” said Elise sternly, when she realized where Sirius was looking. She brought the blankets protectively around her, putting an end to Sirius’ goggle fest.
“Huh?’ he blinked.
“It’s three thirty now, perhaps you should go to bed… I know you’re worried… it might be best if you put up in the hospital wing for the night, to make sure you’re well.”
The mention of the hospital wing reminded Sirius of who lay there in a cot, tethered and moaning, and the sparkle of romanticism that had flickered bright but a moment before was extinguished.
“I’m not sleeping tonight Collier, it’s just not possible.” He held his face in his hands. He heard her rise and come to his side.
She placed a hand on his shoulder and crooned, “Well you’re not the only one… Sirius, if you think I’d ever say anythingI never will, I promise you!”
Sirius brought his hands from his face, wearied eyes entranced by the firelight. She could promise to keep his secret, and Moony’s as well, but what were promises to Sirius Black. Sirius Black was all for his own, only compelled to goodness by guilt, believing only in himself, trusting only himself. What trust could you put in others, others deceived and disappointed. His Marauders, all he could trust were his Marauders. Dimly, he recalled Moony and James… he couldn’t leave his life’s secret and happiness to a girl he hardly knew.
“You’ll do more than promise!” he croaked, leaping from his chair. “I’ll have you swear it before you think to skip off!”
With a powerful kind of rage, his wand flew from the floor to his hand, and he pointed it threateningly at Elise.
She took a step back in fearful surprise. “Sirius, I- ”
“Give me your hand!” he ordered.
Elise drew back. “Why?”
“Just give it to me!”
She thought to extend her hand, but Sirius snatched it, bringing his wand to her fingertips.
“What are you doing!” she gasped.
“Forcing you to keep your promise!”
“How exactly?” Elise struggled to pull away, but she found herself captive to arms stronger than her own. In any other circumstance she might have felt giddy, but now she was fearful of this vicious temper.
“It’s a nice little trick I learned at home. I never thought I’d need it… wicked bastard, my father, but at least his lessons were good for something!”
Sirius had never used dark magic, but now he could risk it, for the sake of his friends. But, what would James say? James hated the dark arts. This isn’t the dark arts, Sirius told himself, this is for good cause. His insides rang with guilt, but a part of him was convinced it was justified.
He uttered it, and a cool green light emitted from his wand, entrapping Elise’s wrist with a shackle. The top of her hand was split, blood ran in a fine line down her arm, tracing the words… Elise Renaud Collier. The shackle, glowing green began to fade, and the cut atop her hand slowly sealed itself up, leaving no traces of it ever being there. She had held her breath for the longest moment, horror filled, worse than when she had seen the werewolf. The air breathed evil, and now Sirius felt the chill himself.
“What does that mean!” Elise shrieked, “What have you done?”
Perhaps it was remorse that tired him so, perhaps it was the realization that he had done no better than his own father, but he backed away, white faced at the stairwell to the boys dormitory. He couldn’t answer her. A cold sweat was beading on his forehead, what had he done?
“Sirius!” Elise called at him again.
Just barely keeping himself up by the stair railings, Sirius’ chest hurt with the pounding of his heart. He hated how innocent Elise appeared, how she stared at him so lost and confused, so much purer of heart than he. It was something he hated and admired. It only made the gravity of what he had done worse.
“If you say anything Collier, you wont ever wake up in the morning.” He had tried to put it as delicately as possible, suitable for his conscience. To come right out and admit that her life depended on her ability to keep mum was a tad too harsh for Sirius.
“I told you I wouldn’t!” The redness around her eyes was beginning to return, and her lashes started to gloss.
“It’s a precaution.”
“I’m not sure James would approve…” she said this full knowing it would tug at Sirius.
“I don’t care what the hell James would approve of… (Oh but he did, he most certainly did)… this isn’t about him, it’s about Remus! If you hadn’t gotten yourself into this, I never would have had to- ” Sirius couldn’t bring himself to say it.
“I didn’t ask for this, you think I would- ”
“What were you doing out there anyway?” Sirius snapped.
Elise froze, her eyes widened and traveled back to the floor in something that looked like shame. “That’s my business, really,” she muttered.
“Your business, Collier I can’t believe this! You’re going to tell me what the hell you were doing out there!”
“You wouldn’t understand.” She began to tear. “No one ever does when I tell them… and-and I’m not telling you! Least of all you, who thinks I’m ugly and worthless, and-and mealy!”
Despite Elise’s efforts to make Sirius feel guilty, he was adamant to have his way. He could never seem to see anything, when he wanted his way. “You’ll stay here all night until you tell me!”
“Sirius- ” Elise pleaded.
He had heard his named whined in that manner so many times that night that he could have screamed. He glared, even a little surprised at what his own temper could lead him to do. He made a movement for his wand again, and Elise flinched. This was what finally made her give in.
“Well,” she gulped. “Well fine, if you really want to know… I was talking to someone.”
Sirius made a face. “Who?”
Elise’s voice shook and her eyes gleamed dewy with tears. “F-faces in the water.” That was all Sirius could make out of her garble, and it left him puzzled.
Remus could hardly believe what he was seeing and hearing. Ignorance was truly bliss, and he discovered it even painfully more so, as the common room faded into a corridor, with James and Sirius strutting kingly past.
One of the great advantages about being outside a memory was the ability to eavesdrop. Remus had mastered the technique quite well now indeed.
“She sounds a little off her rocker,” said James. “Maybe we should have blasted her memory.”
“Yeah, that’s what I thought, but when she told me it was her mum she was talking to I…”
“Her mum? Oh Padfoot, that makes perfect sense, her mum’s the giant squid isn’t she?” James grinned mockingly.
Sirius didn’t laugh, and Prongs was put out. “Mouth glued with spello-tape?” he asked, frowning.
“No James… her mum is dead, and her dad too.”
“Oh. Collier, really? Well that’s…” James did know what it was. “She’s muggleborn isn’t she?” he blurted.
“Yes… and I don’t think she’s mad exactly, just a bit hysterical… crushed, I think. Can you imagine talking to someone who’s dead? I suppose you’d miss them so much you might…” Sirius caught himself entering into a deep thought, too deep for his taste.
James smirked, “What were you saying Padfoot?”
“It’s grief, I s’pose,” Sirius said quickly. “Oh I don’t know, maybe she is mad.”
“Sick with grief… understandable,” James pondered thoughtfully.
A group of girls were passing down the hall, and immediately James and Sirius ceased their conversation, sporting smug looks of surliness.
There was a bit of a quarrel going on between them. Two girls were struggling for the possession of a large black camera. It was a catfight at it’s worst.
“Hey give it back! He said I could take his picture!” cried a little blonde third year.
“I never heard him say that?” retorted a petit raven-haired girl, she was a fifth year in Ravenclaw and Sirius remembered her vaguely from a quidditch match the year before. He remembered her mainly because he had walked in on her changing. The war raged on…
“Well he just as good as said it!”
“Very interesting how one can interpret another’s words!”
“He said ‘vitality only last ‘till your thirties, look away, ladies.’ That’s as good as yes to me!” The blonde haired third year wrenched the camera out of her companion’s hands and flashed it wildly in the direction of Sirius and James.
“Oy! Blinding!” groaned James, but lived up to his image and strained a smiled at the camera.
The flashing ceased, but the girl kept on clicking, hopeful that there just might be film left, it was however a false hope, and the dark haired Ravenclaw she had been quarreling with before, yanked it from her. Sirius was grateful to her and winked.
“Morning, Amalynne.”
The girl blushed wildly and sighed to herself dreamily, “Wow… he remembered my name.”
James and Sirius passed on, returning to their previous conversation.
“She wasn’t ill either, Collier wasn’t. It’s what Evans had been saying. She was… she was at their funeral. Her father’s actually. She said, her mothers been gone a while.”
“He passed that recently?” James asked concernedly, he understood how little of a joking matter this all was now.
“A week today, she said… an attack.”
James halted in place. “Death Eat- ” he began.
“Yeah, well it doesn’t matter James.”
They had reached the door to the hospital wing. James stalled before they embarked any further.
“Now… I might want to warn you, he’s a little sensitive. Well, you’ll see in a minute.” He sighed, and pushed opened the great double doors to the wing.
Moony lay gazing aimlessly out his bedside window, when James and Sirius entered. He smiled meekly at the sight of them, and brought the sheets up around him more, trying to hide the long white dressing wrapped around his middle.
“Morning,” he said.
“Ay, mate. I can see you downed that bit of butterbeer I snagged for you,” James grinned, retrieving an empty bottle from the floor.
Sirius shifted his hands to his pockets. He felt guilty now at not having stayed with Moony, for running, in a way.
“Hey… how’s Pompfrey treating you?” he asked.
Moony smiled bleakly, “Tolerable.”
“You’ll be out of here in less than a week, we’ll bring McGavott to see you, don’t worry mate.” Sirius consoled.
“McGavott…” Remus said her name as if he barely knew she existed, uttering it carelessly. “I’ve lost Mackenzie. She’ll know, everyone will after what Collier saw.”
“That’s fixed Remus," said Sirius quickly.
“You modified her mem- ” Moony started hopefully.
“Yes,” James lied, giving Sirius a quick look. “Padfoot knows how to use a wand, Collier doesn’t remember a thing.”
This lessened the weight on Moony’s heart, and a hint of color filled his cheeks.
James had lied! Remus stood infuriated watching the memory. Oh how naive he had been! He felt foolish, and somehow… betrayed, even if James did have good reason. Ignorance was bliss, Remus could testify whole-heartedly to it.
“You know Remus, I think you’re looking better,” commented Sirius, before anymore could be said about McGavott.
A dark look cast across Moony’s face. “Oh shut up, you know I look like shit!” It was a sudden burst, and he looked mighty ashamed of himself after he said it, drooping his eye lids as mumbled an apology. “I-I’m sorry… I didn’t mean it, I’m just…”
“No worries mate, we understand,” came Sirius’ voice soft with sympathy. “This’ll all be over soon enough, like it never happened.”
“Yeah, you can say that, but it wont be. It never is,” Moony started to crack.
“Oh you’re just in a gloom,” offered James.
“Well I’ve been in an f---ing gloom my whole damn life, you think I’ve gotten over it!” snarled Moony.
James tried to reason with him. “You can’t let this get you down.”
“Can’t I?” Moony struggled to flail his arms in their bandages. “Very easy for you all to shrug it off!
”
“We’ve never shrugged it off Remus, we’ve never meant to,” Padfoot uttered in a low tone.
“You didn’t get any sleep, you’re bound to say things you don’t mean when you’re tired… we should have let you rest a while longer,” James tried to say calmly.
“So you’re saying I’m being an asshole!” Moony ranted jerkily.
Sirius raised his eyebrows. “Whoa Remus! What are they drugging you with, stay off the swear words, it’s so unlike you. That’s supposed to be my area.”
James crossed his arms and frowned at Moony, “But yes, to put it delicately, you’re being an asshole, so we’ll come back once you’ve had some shut eye.”
“I can’t sleep with that nasty junk she’s been giving me! It leaves an awful taste in my mouth, and when I shut my eyes I get twitchy!” Moony pointed to a bottle on his bedside nightstand, which read the words, Fouler Power.
Sirius picked it up and read the back. “Fouler Power, miraculously heals all open wounds and sores from a collection of foul occurrences. Works in just hours… Hmm, Rules for distribution: Take two tablespoons by mouth every quarter hour. For best results, do not down with water,” Sirius made a face and continued. “May leave rancid after taste… possible side affects may include drowsiness, uncontrollable usage of profane language...Well that explains the swearing!... sarcasm, foul thoughts, etc. The side affects vary in, bla bla bla… do not fly until three hours after intake, although flying is not suggested--”
“Okay Padfoot, we get the jest of it,” interrupted James.
“Well, it’s thirty percent alcohol,” Sirius smiled crookedly. “That’s the only good thing I can find about it.”
“I think Madame Pompfrey fancies you Remus. Look how cleverly she tries to get you drunk.” James joked, taking the bottle from Sirius.
Remus managed to laugh along, but soon his smile drifted away, and his eyes traveled to the window, where the morning sunshine shown through.
He sighed greatly, and croaked, “You have a match today… I hope you didn’t forget.”
“Oh… yeah,” James and Sirius murmured responses of equal surprise. They had indeed forgotten.
“Catch a snitch for me will you?”
“I’ll let Thomas catch it for you,” James smiled. “I’ve been reassigned to chaser.”
“Chaser!” Moony blurted.
“It just works better that way,” James bobbed his shoulders in a simple shrug.
Moony narrowed his eyes and looked back out the window. “Well win it will you, something has to go right for once!”
Remus had never seen such sloppy penmanship in all his life. Sirius’ scrawl blotched across the page smeary and half eligible. Water rings and droplets of something that looked like candle wax were scattered about, and Remus had to hold the diary back just to make out the first sentence. He soon corrected it all with a simple cleaning charm, his mother had often used it for stain marked crockery, but that’s really beside the point.
I didn’t think chasers could catch snitches, but then there’s James who has to be everywhere and everyone at once, so I guess he’s the exception. I suppose it doesn’t matter who catches the ruddy ball, as long as it’s caught. It was for Remus, what can I say?
I want to be happy that we won, but somehow I can’t be. Last night is still wallowing about in my head, and Collier keeps popping up at the strangest of times too.
Should I start off by saying I hate God? Or should I say I don’t believe in God at all… I don’t think there’s anyone to believe in but myself at this point. Faith is folly… oh but that’s not good either. How can I have so many damn thoughts at once, it’s maddening!
Remus will recover and that’s all fine, but then it isn’t at the same time. You can mend a break, or heal a wound, but there’s always a scar left, even if you can’t always see it on the outside. Remus has had so many, I’m not sure how he holds up. He hates how life’s going, why doesn’t he just scream it out? We all want to do it for him! I can’t think of the amount of times I’ve just wanted to fix everything. That’s why I hate God, I think. He never lets you fix anything! You have to follow it out, watch things drag on and can’t have here and now, and what you want, there’s always strings attached. I think I’ll probably spend my whole life trying to free myself from those strings… whatever it takes.
Damn! Look at me, I’m getting philosophical, see! If ever I needed a bottle of firewhiskey, it’s now. Oy, and then there’s Collier again! Things would have been so much easier if she’d just pounced at me and snogged. To hell with her morals, I need something, and night sprawling is it! Oh, but then there’s my head which is pounding. I’m probably crazy and don’t mean a word I’m writing. Sirius Black is pissed, Sirius Black wants out, Sirius Black is venting, forgive Sirius Black. For the hundredth time, who am I talking to? No one’s ever going to read this, or I hope no one reads this.
Remus felt bad again, but he remembered the little lie James and Sirius had told Moony in the hospital wing, and decided that this made things fair.
You know, now when I hear the name Collier, I’ll just naturally feel bad or guilty. That girl’s a walking conscience, Jiminy Cricket life size. It’s almost as if she bangs me over the top of my head with her halo of good grace, although it’s not good grace, its more like eternal wrath. Morals, God that girl has issues. Besides the” moral issues”, I’m running out of things hate her for. I mean, now that I know her, I can’t really dislike her… she’s contagious.
Faces in the water… I’m glad she explained that little bit, or I really would have thought she was crazy. She didn’t want to tell me, but I made her. I forced her to sit down and tell me. I cried when she told me, although that’s something I hate to admit. She explained how her mum passed during her first year, how no one ever understood her like her mum.
I tend to cringe at the thought of me bearing my soul to that banshee woman that’s only biologically my mother, but I guess other people’s parents are better. James might talk to his dad, but still… that’s so weird to me.
But anyway, Elise missed the talking, she said. So she would imagine her mum there with her… loony, I know, but she was what? Ten, eleven when it happened? Kids do weird things, and maybe she just kept up the talking as habit. She doesn’t do enough of it in class, that’s for sure. She goes to the lake every so often and cries, remembers, and talks to her reflection like it were her mum. It’s sad, it really is.
She must have been out there for that purpose, to cry, when we came around. Her father just died, it’s understandable. James’ guess was pretty much right on target. Death Eaters snuffed out old man Collier. I’d always thought their name was a bit corny, myself, “Death Eaters” it’s just as bad as calling yourself “The Corn Fritters” or something odd like that. But I had no idea they were that psycho, not psycho enough to murder someone I know, however distantly. James’ dad is right. The world is falling to the wackos, and the ministry just doesn’t get it.
When she finished telling me, something happened. I “ well… see, she’s not half bad and she seemed like she was coming around, so I… Spit it out Padfoot! Okay, so even after I was a bloody idiot and made her swear secrecy and all, I thought she might take interest in a peck, just a little peck on the cheek. Okay, I’ll be dreadfully honest. I hoped she might want a good kissing. I’ve been known to be very brash and a little quick to trot, and I don’t blame her at all for slapping me. What I found oddly peculiar though, was that she took about a whole two minutes to get around to it. It didn’t last long enough for me to grade it, actually it was bloody smashing, but at first she was very…
Well, I can’t think on it too much. It wasn’t anything and Collier will make sure it never happens again. She was scarlet when we finished and the look on her face made my stomach turn. It was complete disgust and it made me feel like I was worth less than a knut. She got up and said, “I can’t like you Sirius,” and left me feeling… well, I just hate the way she makes me feel!
Oh, maybe when I’ve figured out the mysteries of the universe, I’ll get back to you. Maybe when Sirius Black has had a good case of liquor, he can respond more sanely. Last night and today were the weirdest of my life… freakiest is probably a better description.
So not much has happened. I’ve only just revealed myself as an animagus to a girl who completely loathes me, attempted to seduce her and failed, Remus is barricaded up in the hospital wing with that brawd Pompfrey, James is starting to pay for his little “Evans wooing” scheme, and guess what? It’s raining! All is well in paradise, can’t you tell?
Heavy. Remus closed the diary with an overwhelming mix of thoughts filling his head. Sirius, Elise, James, Moony… full moon, hospital wing, kisses, cameras, bandages, Fouler Power, lavatory… well that was a side thought, but Remus realized how very difficult life was to interpret, even for a sixteen year old, better yet, a thirty eight year old.
Shackles, blood, cries, oaths… and then Remus recalled the dark magic conjured by Sirius. For good cause? Was it really? The answers would have to wait for another time, the members for the Order would be arriving soon. The past was important, but the future was still at hand.*
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