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December 24th 1975:
This was the second time Remus could remember finding himself in darkness in one of Sirius’ entries. Darkness, save for a slender white chink of light creeping in from nowhere. In the close darkness Remus heard something beneath him stir, and then the rustling of bedclothes and a throaty groan. He jumped. Oh God, he knew where he was now and he just prayed they’d had the decency to stay clothed.
The light was getting brighter from what Remus now knew to be the curtains surrounding Elise’s four-poster bed, and he could make out the darkened figures huddled together beneath the covers. Sirius had given up his dog form that much was clear. Remus peered over them, and his heart lightened, thank God, they were both dressed in loosely buttoned and bed-crinkled uniforms, but it was better than nothing. Remus felt a glowing of pride for young Sirius’ ability to finally endure at least one mildly platonic night.
The light was now shining evenly on Sirius’ face, causing his eyes to flutter blearily open. He lifted his head a moment and let it fall back into the pillows with a soft tuff, smiling to himself and closing his eyes, as if dwelling on a warm, sultry memory.
Elise shifted in the sheets at his side, bringing one of her arms lazily around him. A gentle, “Oh,” escaped her lips and she nuzzled closer.
Sirius couldn’t help but think, “It’s a dog’s life,” and returned the embrace, twining his fingers in her bed-tousled brown waves of hair, draped gracefully over the pillows. They both hung on a moment of heaven, soaking up the last bits of magic from the night before.
It had been nothing near to Sirius’ previous excursions with girls, but the simplicity of just holding Elise seemed to satisfy him more, and the lightness of heart knowing that she knew him, his animal side especially. It was satisfying and alleviating; like he could breathe again; as if he wasn’t aware he was choking before these delicate arms had closed around him… Teenage wasteland? Maybe so, but it was heaven to Sirius Black.
Elise was awake now; her lashes batting lightly against his cheek. “This is strange,” she whispered quietly; her voice melodic and velvety; so pleasing to the ear.
“I know,” he said hollowly.
It was strange, but so perfect at the same moment. They lay in silence for another minute, neither one knew what to say; both confused with their emotions.
“Are you staying for the holiday?” Sirius asked, breaking the silence.
“Yes,” she sighed, and then not to sound rude, “Are you?”
“I was going to, but I’ll probably end up at the Potters…”
“Oh…”
There was a hint of sadness in her voice, or perhaps Sirius imagined it, but elated feelings sprung up within him. She would miss him, excellent! He would miss her too, to be sure, but this gave him some idea of how she felt towards him. Perhaps it was mutual liking and not just Sirius’ one-sided infatuation.
The momentary sadness in Elise’s face vanished quickly, replaced by a bright teasing smile;
“Is it true what they say about you?”
“They say many things about me, my dear!” Sirius flashed her a roguish grin. She gave him a warm but stern glance of warning, and he whipped the look off his face, allowing her to continue.
“Is it true that you ran away from home? I heard you put up at the Potters’ over summer.”
“Ran away?” Sirius blinked, “I suppose you could call it that… I actually slipped off, and it’s not like I was hiding out or anything. My parents didn’t really care if I left of not. I mean, I couldn’t stand them, they couldn’t stand me; the feeling was mutual.” This was hardly true, but Sirius couldn’t help trying to impress her, it was male habit, and he really hoped to make a better impression from here on out.
Elise furrowed her brows quizzically. “But they knew where you were, didn’t they?”
“I’m sure they did… and I’m sure I’ll probably pay for it,” he said quietly. That much was true, he thought, that much he would certainly pay for. His own father would scorn this scene. He would scorn the idea of Sirius lying with a muggleborn, conversing with her, treating her like an equal… well, close to an equal anyway.
“You know why I left though, everyone knows, it’s an easy guess…” Elise shook her head.
“Oh yeah, you wouldn’t, huh? Well I don’t suppose it’s worth talking about then…” His melancholy air did not linger long because he made haste in changing the subject, looking brightly up into her face, “You should always wear your hair down.”
Elise threw her head back and laughed splendidly. “It’s a straggly mess, you can’t mean that!”
“I’m used to James’, now that’s a mess… you look beautiful.”
“What made you change your mind?” she asked seriously, looking away and twirling her finger mindlessly in a loose thread on the quilt.
Oh, that was unexpected. Sirius’ thoughts blocked, what did make him change his mind? Was it his discovery that night so long ago, when she had put him in his place? Was it her savvy bluntness that attracted him, or was it her innocence? He was searching for a more intelligent, deeper answer than ‘I don’t know… I cannot fathom love, what is love, all I know is you!’ (Sirius Black excelled in romantic mush, Moony had often given him inspiration in this area) which he knew might suffice for other girls, but not Elise.
A minute lapsed in which she gave him a moment to ponder, but now it was past awkwardness.
“It’s alright if you don’t have an answer.” But she was sporting a tone that gave Sirius the impression she meant otherwise. One thing about girls; they always masked their disappointment. Either that or they’d scream it in your face. Sirius recalled this mildly as he thought of a proper cover up.
“No- no, I do… I just can’t explain it.”
Elise nodded solemnly and he felt a miserable sinking, as if he had just lost something valuable; something he had been so close to attaining. Every moment with her was a mixture of ups and downs and unknowns, with a different kind of excitement than he’d experienced with any other girl.
“Have you changed your mind about me?” he asked, diverting the question to her.
Elise frowned, “How do you mean?”
“Well I kind of figured you didn’t care for me very much. You know, after… well, you know after… that night.”
That night seemed to play in his head over and over, echoing in and out of his brain as a reminder of how he had treated her, how he actually expected her to like him after he had bound her to a promise by black magic and then had the gall to try and kiss her. The more he thought of it, the less he felt he deserved her forgiveness. I won’t forgive myself anyway, his heart sighed mournfully. Then out of the mist of his mind came Elise’s voice on the other side.
“It wasn’t that night that made me not like you… I didn’t care for you before that.”
“I know, I know, but it made you hate me worse,” Sirius groaned, throwing his hands over his eyes. Just the thought of his own stupidity made him want to hide; never to look in the mirror again and see arrogant, brain-swelled Sirius Black.
“No,” she said simply, “I don’t hate you. I never hated you. Actually, I liked you better after Halloween night…”
“You like me?” Sirius asked brightly, throwing his hands off his eyes, feeling slightly more pleased with himself… why did he always throw himself into the sullens too soon? Drama queen.
“A bit more,” Elise said, cracking a smile, her eyes gleamed something curious and playful.
“Any feelings blossoming?”
She frowned deeply and said in mock severity, “You’re horribly arrogant and I’m sorry to say you’re a world class idiot… but you are a very cute dog.”
The honesty of it made him laugh. “Everyone fancies me better as a dog.”
“It should be your permanent arrangement,” she giggled and to his surprise, squeezed him tighter.
This was incredible, absolutely incredible, thought Sirius, and perfect… but how long could this perfection last? That was a painful thought and so he dismissed it. In the warmth of the embrace, Elise released a heavy sigh.
“I really don’t like you actually,” she murmured, but it was if a part of her was unsure… the way she said it… well, she was torn; they were both torn. Sirius knew that much.
“Someone’s in denial,” he said in a singsong voice.
She propped herself up on her elbows, glared at him jestingly and whipped him with her pillow. She was taking advantage of Sirius’ playful, doglike nature, batting him and diving under the covers before he could snatch her back. Her light bubbling laughter mixed with his and in the moment where he won - most unfairly in the childlike game - his eyes melted with hers. Warm, so warm and inviting, pooling with fire, making him want… His head was inclining towards hers, he was going to get it, he just knew it… nearly there just about…
”Elle?” And then a voice sounded distantly from below, causing Elise to open her slow drooping lids.
“Elle, Elle are you up?”
There came the hollow pounding of running feet and the slamming and shutting of doors as young female voices hollered at top pitch, “Get up Elise, you’ll miss Lily! Elle!”
Sirius never did receive his kiss.
“Omigod! What time is it?” Elise threw the curtains back horror filled. She looked quick to hide Sirius, but he had already acted, altering into his canine form and scrambling beneath the covers as the voices grew louder. A moment later, Mackenzie McGavott and company burst in through the door.
“Elise! My God, get dressed we have half and hour until the carriages come… Stop standing there, get dressed” oh, what have you been doing?”
The curly haired brunette eyed Elise suspiciously, surveying her wrinkled school uniform, which she had never bothered to change out of, and as Mackenzie’s eyes travelled curiously about the scene, she noticed the sunken pillow next Elise’s “ the remnants of her night visitor.
The idea was unthinkable. Elise Collier? Virgin (well, Mackenzie was not sure of that now), bookie, innocent Elise had spent the night with someone? She wouldn’t think of it, she couldn’t, it made her jealous. She would just have to persuade Moony somehow…
McGavott pushed past her surprise, not even allowing a baffled Elise to answer, ordering firmly, “Be down in fifteen minutes. Lily will be heart broken if you don’t say good bye… well” for God’s sake Elle, hurry up!” She trailed her eyes disdainfully over the scene once more and exited the dorm, slamming the door behind.
The few remaining girls took one sorry glance at Elise as if to say, “Shame, shame” and followed in suit. Only Alexandra Crane stayed behind, quite oblivious to the current trend of aggression towards Elise.
“I’ve slept in late too,” she smiled gaily. “Once I even missed the train, my mum was screaming the whole way there… horrible memory,” she mused still smiling dreamily, munching sparingly on a crust of toast she had been savouring since breakfast.
“I” Oh damn, what time is it?” Elise burst.
“Nine thirty,” Alexandra sighed passively, stuffing the crust of toast into her mouth in an unladylike manner. “Well Elle, I must say, it’s really not like you… if we hadn’t thought you were already up, we’d have said something.”
“I just” I wasn’t thinking, I””
“Oh calm, calm, eat something at least, you’re dressed enough,” Alex examined her sticky jam smeared fingers and with out as much as good bye, skipped off for a hand wipe… she was really such a quirky girl.
A little black nose poked out from under the sheets and sniffed tentatively. When he had determined that the coast was clear, Sirius wriggled out from beneath the linens, examining Elise with his keen grey eyes, piercing her with conviction, the way only puppy eyes could. She found herself lost in them, somewhat torn. These were the eyes that had watched over her at night; that had spurred so much curiosity in her a yearning for freedom, and what scared her greatest of all; desire… Perhaps not in the same areas as Sirius; she desired acceptance, to have someone care “ anybody.
He had been her comforter the night before, someone to understand her. But there were other feelings breaking the barrier, feelings that made her think logically. Damn logic.
“Good bye,” her voice cracked, and with one last look, she slid off the bed and exited the dormitory, leaving Sirius alone with her haunting warmth and memory. *
“Padfoot, where the hell have you been?!” James burst when Sirius appeared in the common room five minutes to ten, freshly showered in muggle clothes, which consisted of a fitted pair of jeans and a black leather jacket.
“Woke up late is all,” Sirius shrugged coolly, flouncing up the collar of his jacket.
“Late? Do you realize we have to leave now?”
Sirius rolled his eyes and gave James the ‘you’re acting like Remus’ look. “Really, Prongs, I thought by now I would have made an impression on you. Haute Couture, high class is always fashionably late.”
“Save Haute Couture for some other time, I’m not missing Christmas this year!”
It was uncharacteristic, Remus decided, seeing James in anything but wizard robes. James had always reminded him of an awkward ‘Where’s Waldo’ in muggle wear. It was his choice of clothes mainly, red and white striped shirts seemed the expanse of his wardrobe, and Sirius had always shunned him for his ’blind eye to fashion‘. Prongs, it seemed, always had more important things on his mind, like Lily Evans for instance “ and Christmas.
James wasted no time, grabbing Sirius forcefully by the arm and literally dragging him through the portrait hole. They were speeding along down the corridors at a ridiculous pace. Sirius’ wrist was burning in James’ grasp as he struggled to keep up.
“Being late and missing are two different things… you’re not going to miss Christmas, Prongs, slow down!”
“Yeah, well I don’t care, Sirius. Stop talking, maybe the hot air is slowing you down.”
James was blowing off steam all the way down to the Great Hall, where McGonagall had started calling role for the Gryffindor house departees. Remus noted her great ugly pointed holiday hat; a weathered, holly entwined masterpiece with reindeer antlers sticking out on either side “ it was amazing how she kept her balance. She was just calling “Alba, Miranda” when the boys reached a much healthier looking Moony at the edge of the crowd (the chocolate must have done him well). He wore a mildly amused expression as he looked them over, avoiding James who was still fuming at the nostrils.
“Heard you weren’t in the dorms last night,” Moony whispered to Sirius, with a grin twitching at the corners of his mouth.
Sirius bit his lip and took a shifty look around. “Yes,” he admitted slowly.
“Had to get your holiday nookie before we left, didn’t you?” James shot at him in a fierce whisper.
“No,” Sirius said simply, “Nothing of the sort.” There was almost too much normalcy in his voice that things sounded suspicious.
“Got lost?” Moony snorted.
“Black, Sirius!” McGonagall called shrilly from the front.
“Aye, aye captain!” and then very quietly, “Nice hat.”
McGonagall narrowed her eyes over her clipboard, made a sharp check and proceeded on. Sirius was beaming with smugness at the few giggles he received, while James and Moony prodded him with questions.
“Let me guess, the gargoyle on the seventh floor seduced you,” Moony speculated jestingly.
“You were kidnapped by a mysterious band of house elves, otherwise known as the Crockery Cleaning Coalition,” offered James.
“Clever, Prongs,” Sirius smirked, “I’ll bet you sat up all night thinking about that one.”
“I’ve got a better one,” piped Moony, “Myrtle decided to drown you in a toilet, flushed you and the giant squid spit you up from the lake?”
James’ became more animated as he continued to guess Sirius’ whereabouts of the night before. “Even better, you were stuck in Narnia and found your way back through the wardrobe in the girl’s dormitory.”
“Close,” grinned Sirius.
James’ eyes widened. “You didn’t go up to the girl’s dormitory without me, did you… mate?” The mate part hung with bitterness, making Sirius wince inwardly.
“Um, well…”
“Well what?”
“Well where were you? I waited forever! You and Evans had a good snog?”
James looked momentarily alarmed, and then muttered scornfully, “I wish.”
“Lupin, Remus!” Moony gave a toneless “present” and crossed his arms, asking, “What’s this about Evans?”
“Didn’t you hear? She invited James for a chat,” Sirius said offhandedly.
“No! What happened?”
“Just that. She wanted to talk privately with him, but anyone with brains knows a request for privacy is a discrete way of asking for a snog.”
“Would you please shut up!” James snapped suddenly.
Sirius was taken aback. “What’s the matter with you Prongs, you’ve been up a tree all morning” is Evans really that bad?”
“Nothing happened,” he growled bitingly, “and I’d prefer it if we just didn’t talk about this right now, okay?”
“Potter, James!”
“Sergeant Potter reporting for duty, madam!” James saluted cockily, making a Jackal and Hyde-like switch mid sentence.
McGonagall heaved an exasperated sigh, called “Stebbins, Judith” and shooed the students out of the hall. Remus heard her mutter to a lingering Nearly Headless Nick, “It will certainly be a quiet few weeks.” Nick glanced at the departing Marauders and gave a curt nod.
Snow was sprinkling faintly on the ground in a half-hearted way, dusting the students with icy white flecks as they made the sprint to the carriages.
“Shove it, Pete,” Sirius said as the Marauders tried to push their way through a pack of dawdling first years; Sirius taking the lead and Peter lugging his suitcase pathetically behind, huffing and puffing as wisps of cold air emitted from his mouth.
James and his long legs had reached a carriage first. He was leaning against it, gazing gloomily in Lily’s direction.
“C’mon,” Sirius called, “It’s your last chance to get a carriage with Evans until June.” He winked and motioned with his head over to the lovely Lily, bidding goodbye to her fellow Gryffindor girls.
For some reason the comment particularly hurt James; his face sunk into a scowl. “No, it’s alright,” he said tonelessly.
James’ attitude had spurred Sirius’ curiosity all morning. What could have happened with Evans that made him so disagreeable? He found out moments later on the bumpy ride into Hogsmeade, in the privacy of their carriage…
“Now I want to know everything!” demanded Moony. “What did Evans do, or more likely, what did you do?”
James looked away and heaved a great sigh, resting his head against the frost-flecked pane of the carriage window. He closed his eyes a moment and prepared himself; the hurt was evident in his face.
“It’s just so damn unfair!” he burst suddenly.
“What is, Prongs?” Sirius asked softly.
“Everything, just everything! Evans is leaving!”
“What?!” the boys cried out together.
“Evans leaving? How could she? It’s only sixth year! Wait” what? That just can’t be!” Moony blubbered, shocked at the idea of losing his fellow Prefect.
“Oh… It was awful!” James groaned, his face now in his hands. “I wasn’t expecting…”
“But what did she say? Why?” whined Peter.
James wiped his brow, his face hot with frustration; he’d wanted to avoid talking about this completely, he’d wanted to bury himself at the news. His voice lost control as he began to explain.
“Well… it all started off with her apologizing. She wanted to say she was sorry… sorry about the way things had been…” James gulped, taking a great amount of courage to form his next words, “between us… and” and then she handed me this…”
From his pocket he retrieved that treasured golden snitch from so many nights ago; it gleamed slightly in his hands, its little fluttering wings flapping dully in a sorrowful manner, masking James’ heartache. Moony uttered an awestricken swearword.
“Isn’t that, isn’t that”” Peter stuttered, pointing.
“Yes, it’s that bloody snitch you found in the dormitory two months ago… but she apologized, can you believe it? She did! I should have been the one apologizing, but I just stood there with my mouth hanging open like a stupid idiot. I” I didn’t even know what to say. Here I was expecting her to admit love or something and instead I get ‘good bye, nice life, it was fun while it lasted,’ oh joy!” he cried out sarcastically.
There was silence again, each boy with a look of gravity, hurting for their Prongs. Sirius did think it a bit silly, making such a fuss about a girl; a girl James hadn’t even gone with. He could not comprehend, but he could feel James’ pain.
“But why?” Moony asked, “She can’t just up and leave for no reason, there has to be a reason!”
“She was rather vague on that actually,” James said darkly, “called it ‘family troubles’. God knows what that means…She might come back, she doesn’t know… and now I don’t know, damn! What a waste of my entire school life!”
Moony was still trying to see past it all. “She doesn’t mean permanently does she? You could have mistaken her Prongs.”
“No, no,” James shook his head. “She made it clear it could be a permanent thing.”
“Could be, she didn’t say it was going to be.”
“C’mon Remus, you know Evans even better than I do, you know she’s not the type to admit liking someone and stick around to nurture the relationship. That’s not like her. Evans is the sorry type, the kind that will tell you she loves you the day the world comes to an end, and only that day!”
Moony furrowed his brows. “I don’t know about that, you didn’t drink anything last night, did you?”
The carriages were now rolling into Hogsmeade. The village reminded Remus of a gingerbread fantasyland, frosted in white, festive nearly to excess with garland and holly. The students began piling out of the carriages, pushing and shoving their way into the snow dusted village. Moony dwindled with his baggage; he was one of the few taking the train back to London.
“Write me if there are any new developments,” he whispered in Sirius’ ear. “And while you’re at it, make sure he doesn’t kill himself or something,” he said, chancing a wary look at James.
Sirius hid a smile and nodded, clapping Moony on the back. “That means you too,” he said, “stay out of trouble.”
“You don’t really mean that,” Moony smirked.
Sirius threw his head back and laughed loudly. “There’s good trouble and bad trouble, stay out of bad trouble… if that makes sense. Oh what the hell, have a happy Christmas, mate!”
The Marauders said their reluctant farewells and Peter and Moony traipsed off to the station while James and Sirius were left to wait for their ride back to Godric’s Hollow.
“Dad said he’d send the cars… there was probably traffic or something. Want a butterbeer while we wait?” James asked, his voice still dragging that melancholy air.
Sirius nodded in agreement. A heavy rush of snow was beginning to fall now and the warmth of the Three Broomsticks and Rosemerta’s attention was an attractive offer. There they waited for a good hour and a half, flirting ridiculously, dangling sprigs of mistletoe over their heads and approaching random females in the pub. This was working in Sirius’ favour quite well, as he attracted a group of French female tourists, but James sadly had won the heart of a toothless middle-aged witch, and spent the hour attempting to avoid her.
To his great relief, two long limos rumbled into the village square at around twelve thirty.
He immediately grabbed Sirius’ arm and pulled him out of the hustle and bustle of the pub into the snow. Sirius gave a reluctant glance back, but his interest was soon caught by the sight of the sleek black limos marked with the ministry emblem, hovering right before the Three Broomsticks.
“Finally,” James sighed, grinning for the first time all day.
Sirius’ jaw dropped. “This is our ride?”
“Yep,” James said carelessly, lugging his baggage into one of the trunks that had magically popped itself open. “Dad has priority on this kind of stuff you know. It’s a shame he didn’t send that retro-hatchback I asked him about. S’got a disco globe thing and all… the chauffeur’s this real lusty wench too. Oh well, this’ll have to do.”
Sirius’ mouth was still gapping open. “This’ll have to do? Prongs, I’ve never ridden a limo in my life!”
James stopped a moment and blinked. “There’s really nothing special about them, at least the hatchback would have brought girls.”
Perhaps James failed to notice the numerous faces pressed against the glass inside the Three Broomsticks goggling at them, or the crowd that had gathered to admire the cars close up… Sirius for one thought him mad. Either way, he quickly wiped the goggly look off his face and replaced it with smugness… Sirius Black in a limo; oh, this was good!
“Why are there two?” he asked.
“One to escort, the other for us… makes it ceremonious I guess, I don’t know the frilly particulars,” he shrugged.
The doors popped open and James slid easily in. Sirius made a hasty business of throwing his things in the trunk before he joined Prongs in the magically expanded leather interior of the sleek ‘75 Lincoln. It felt wonderfully wonderful to smirk at a jealous Fabian Prewett on the other side of the glass and know he’d just kill to be you. Yes, it was wonderful as the cars rumbled away, leaving great white streaks in the sky, speeding off to holiday freedom.
The trip back to Godric’s Hollow was a long one, but carefree even so. Any of their previous women woes were forgotten in the gaiety as Sirius and James became rambunctious and cheery, delighting in the alcoholic beverages in the back. They really weren’t allowed to have access to these, but managed to unlock the case with the help of Sirius’ handy pocket-knife. They laughed and sang boisterously with the muggle radio, that is, until the blaring of the song “Brown Eyed Girl” which particularly moved Sirius, making him depressed and a little dizzy. Must be the alcohol, he thought and ignored the heartbreaking memory of Elise.
The limos pulled up before the Potter family mansion at about four thirty, and Mrs. Potter discovered them snoring loudly in the back, unskilfully hiding the remnants of their liquor. This perhaps, was the reason for the cold greeting they received when she roused them.
“Up, up… get up!” carolled a falsely cheery voice outside Sirius’ dreams, which was fast losing its calm. “Up, please boys!”
He heard James jostle noisily awake at his side, snorting groggily, “Aw mum… just-just a minute more please.”
“A minute more?” snorted Mrs. Potter, who was blurrily fading into Sirius’ view.
Observing the memory from afar, Remus recognized the tight, short ginger curls in that cut reminiscent of the seventies, slightly short of an afro, and those large hazel eyes framed with thick long lashes beneath great square-lens spectacles. Mrs. Potter had a fetish for v-neck sweaters and as expected, she was sporting a crimson one specked with gold for the holidays. She still had her beauty, that was evident, though hidden behind her glasses and somewhat hideous up-do…this reminded Remus of Elise… the glasses, the hair, all hiding something deep beneath, more than beauty. Sirius must have been thinking similarly because he appeared shy of words, gazing at Mrs. Potter with a bewildered expression.
“A minute more?!” she repeated incredulously, “Boys, it’s the Christmas holiday, where are your brains? Get up this instant, get out of that car and help me make dinner!”
She never really needed help; in fact, she never truly needed to make dinner herself, as servants ran in a tizzy around her, but Mrs. Potter had always felt that the makings of a good home started with the maternal touch and so she insisted on preparing all the meals. James enjoyed more the eating part of the helping, mind you.
She was holding one of the empty wine bottles up threateningly over James, which caused him to jump to his feet. He attempted to plant a kiss on her cheek, but missed by a mile because his senses were all off tune from the liquor.
“Lovely to see you mum,” he said brightly, embracing her clumsily.
“I’m sure,” she muttered darkly and examining the label of the bottle in his hand. “I can see you already had a bit of holiday cheer before you came!”
James blinked wildly, trying to get her in focus, as he covered up stupidly, “It was just lying around in the car, it really was! We didn’t know it was alcoholic… you should tell dad to complain. You know, ministry cars shouldn’t carry that kind of thing! Hazardous it is””
“Lying around my broom!” she yelled. “It’s a load of rubbish if you ask me. And to inflict your best friend with that drink of Satan, why James Potter, I am ashamed you!”
Sirius mumbled something from inside the car, probably trying to defend James in some way. Mrs. Potter scrambled to his side right away. “Oh dear boy, now Sirius, let me help you out properly… oh that’s it now… oh you poor dear, just look at you.”
Sirius’ body swerved dangerously towards the ground as he tried to remove himself from the vehicle with Mrs. Potter’s aid. James was just awake enough to catch him before he hit his head.
“Stand back James, really, you’ve helped quite enough!” Mrs. Potter snapped, shooing him back.
Remus grinned; Annabel (more preferably known as Annie) Potter had always rather fancied Sirius. It had something to do with his spunk and carefree nature that brought her to fondle him so, and even now when she was aware he was most likely the booze-provoking culprit, she still crooned over him like a pigeon in that placid maternal way.
“It wasn’t too long a trip, now was it?” she asked, holding Sirius upright, for his legs still did not feel his own, bending and swooping against his will like wet noodles.
“No-no, not too”” Sirius hiccoughed. “Not too long.”
“Gabel would have liked to greet you himself, but he’s meeting with the French representative, checking holiday security you know, must keep international relations in tip top” James Potter, egad! Get yourself out of that planter!” and then she turned to Sirius whispering, “Devils drink, really it is, falling into planters, mumbling nonsense… well I just hope we don’t have guests this weekend.”
The soft falling of snow blurred before Remus. The Potter’s great Tudor mansion was fast fading from view, and a distant crackling sounded behind his ears. Suddenly he found himself in a large circular room, dimly lit by a fire burning merrily in a marble hearth. The walls were papered in a kingly red toile and two canopied beds were stationed at either side of the cosy room. Sirius and James were found lying on their stomachs, pulling at the loose threads on the afghan rug, talking of nothing.
“Does your mum always make this big a fuss about the holidays? I mean, it’s the first time I’ve ever seen her this excited about anything,” Sirius said.
“Eh,” James shrugged. “When she has time, this will be my last Christmas home… well no, there’s next year, but I guess she’s just getting sentimental. She says things are going too fast, hell! I don’t think they’re going fast enough. She near cried her eyes out when I turned sixteen. I guess it’s an ‘only-child’ thing… damn, I wish I had siblings, maybe she’d get off me!”
“Nah…she’s not so bad,” Sirius smiled, “and siblings aren’t what you’d make out, they’re more a curse than a blessing.”
“They aren’t for some people,” James said softly.
Sirius shot him a dubious glance, “I can’t think of anyone who would say so. Take Evans even, the sweetest lock of love on campus and even she complains about what a damn bitchy witch her sister is, oh there’s hate there!”
James frowned a little. “Did she say her sister was a bitch, or did you?”
“Well, she might as well have said it. She probably would have too if I wasn’t standing there.”
James looked forward and said flatly, “Even so, I still don’t think she hates her.”
“Oh you’re a rotten judge of character Prongs, you don’t know left from right in the female brain, and you’re trying to figure out Evans, good luck!”
James’ face reddened somewhat. “Like you’re the authority on it all! If you understand the female mind so well explain Collier to me, explain her.”
There was silence.
“I didn’t say I understood all of them,” Sirius mumbled lamely. “Half the time I don’t even think Collier’s human…”
James shot him a shady look and gazed back into the flames. “Oh… and isn’t there something you want to tell me about that?” he asked innocently.
“About what?” Sirius asked quickly.
“Collier,” James shrugged simply, raising himself up from the rug and yawning greatly.
“No,” Sirius snapped back.
“Oh, well I thought you might.” James turned away, pretending to get ready for bed, as he scrambled through various articles in his sock drawer. There was a long moment with words unspoken until Sirius finally cracked, not being able to stand it any longer.
“So I spent the night in the girls’ dormitory, what do you want to know about it? Nothing happened!”
James spun around, eyes wide, “Ah hah! So you did, you did go up without me! Were you with Collier?”
Sirius bobbed his shoulders in half a shrug, suddenly very terse and stiff. “And if I was, what does it matter?”
“Matter!? Sirius what did you do, what happened?”
“Nothing, really nothing.”
James snorted and gave him the sceptical brow-raise. It was ticking Sirius’ nerve.
“Aw Prongs, really, you think Collier would actually do anything?”
“With the infamous Sirius Black, I don’t know.”
“Oh, you have to be kidding me! Nothing happened, nothing did! So we were in the same bed, so I stayed all night, so what, nothing happened!”
“Sounds like a hell of a lot right there. Oh and nothing happened, you just happened to get a good shag out of it too, but nothing happened, I can’t believe you won’t even tell me!”
Sirius’ eyes raged with frustration. “You want to know? You want to know the whole juicy story? Well fine! Prewett made a faggy remark, Elise cried, went up to her chamber, I felt bad and followed. Nothing else! I was Padfoot. I was with her. There you have it, Prongs!”
He had spat the story out in a matter of seconds and now it came back to him in a painful rush. It all had meant so much to him, touched him in a very deep place, and in five seconds he had stripped it down to a worthless tale of a boy’s sympathy, his feeling sorry, forcing Elise back into that poor pathetic, socially backward image as before. He felt guilty about it all… guilt was an all too common emotion these days.
“You felt sorry for her?” James wrinkled his nose. “Padfoot, you fancy her? Spinster Collier, Little Miss Ug””
“Shut the hell up, okay? Just-just don’t call her that,” Sirius blazed, breathing hard, hot with frustration, torn and confused, not even knowing why. Why was telling James so difficult? Was he ashamed of her? No, no that couldn’t be it, it couldn’t…
“What, are you on guilt trip? You know, you were the one that came up with that, I don’t know what you’re yelling at me for!” James yelled back.
“Alright, alright, I’m sorry,” Sirius said quickly, wanting to brush this whole conversation under the rug. “I didn’t mean it, alright? I’m just…” he trailed off, and groaned, falling back into his bed.
“Can you blame me for feeling a little guilty? Little Miss Ugly… oh what the hell was I thinking?”
James’ jaw dropped and he murmured flabbergasted, “Amazing.”
Sirius sat up. “What is?”
“You, feeling sorry, apologizing, isn’t that a first? I think she’s changed you. One night with Collier and Padfoot’s lost his mind… you’re in love mate!” James beamed.
“Idiot, I’m not in love,” Sirius snapped. “You are, with Evans. Just because we’re mates doesn’t mean we share brainwaves. Thank God, I’d be failing charms.”
“That you would,” James grinned, but his face slowly drooped to seriousness. “Honestly, what happened? I mean, why do you think you feel that way?”
“How am I supposed to know the complexities of my own mind?” Sirius asked irritably. “How am I supposed to know anything? I don’t even get love, actually. The closest thing I’ve ever known to love is a good shag and a snog, that’s love to me.”
It sounded savage, so primitive to his own ears, but that was all he knew. Love was pleasure to Sirius. Love was the act of appeasing oneself, feeling good for a time, if only temporarily, never eternally… that was unfathomable. He heard love was more, but he had never truly seen it, and perhaps only witnessed a spark of it in the Potter home.
James nodded solemnly, taking Sirius’ words in, mulling them over. It was best not to say anything now, they both knew that. Collier, well love for that matter, was a delicate subject, and this was supposed to be the holiday break. They wanted no mess here; let Christmas be clean and simple, get through with it, and then maybe they’d worry about things. An argument was undesirable on both sides.
James had changed into his pyjamas. Those lovely striped numbers you see five year olds wearing “ it distracted Sirius’ thoughts.
“I should have brought my camera,” said Sirius, pulling his shirt over his head and slipping on a grey sweat shirt.
“Why?” James asked, distracted with the buttons up his front.
“Because you look so cute in your ity bity jamies Jamsie.”
James looked up and grinned crookedly. “You know you like them. I guess they remind me of home, I’d only ever wear them here. I bet there’s some stuffed bear lying around at your house that you drooled on as a kid, don’t tell me you never had any homey comforts.”
“Really, where can I find a pair like that for myself?” Sirius teased and gave himself one last winner look in the mirror before crashing down into the pillows of the bed opposite James’.
“Be careful how loud you say that, you don’t want mum getting you some for Christmas,” James warned, bringing the covers up around himself.
Silence fell again as both boys faked dream beneath their blankets, each wide awake, maddened by thought. Sirius could tell James was still dwelling on their discussion of earlier, of loves and losses; he could sense the tension, the heartbreak still left over Evans. It was always Evans with James, when it came down to it, it was always Evans.
“You could always try writing her, you know, mate,” Sirius said, reading his best friend’s mind.
James sighed and lifted his head off the pillow so he could see Sirius. “Yeah I could, couldn’t I? I was going to suggest the same for you and Collier. What is it really between you two, does she fancy you too?”
“I think so,” Sirius murmured faintly, staring at the ceiling. “I wouldn’t be so damn hung up over her if it weren’t for that night when Moony… Oh I don’t even know if that was it, it’s just” she’s beautiful Prongs, she really is. And it’s different, it’s not like it’s ever been, I mean. It’s spooky even.”
“What is?”
“How I think I feel about her,” Sirius’ voice cracked. This slap of truth, of coming to an emotion he had never experienced before was pressing tears upon him. It was unnatural and painful, a swooping rush of this new thing that he couldn’t balance on his emotional scale. Sirius had to stop himself now, he never cried, this was no time to cry, he would contain.
There was a lull and James spoke again. “Sirius?”
“Huh?”
“Do you love her, really, do you?”
To keep it all back, Sirius snarled tetchily, “How am I supposed to know, James? Love, to me, is a good shag and snog!”
There was silence once and for all, brooding silence. James was left with secrets and Sirius with his, never so alienated as friends.
Sirius lay pondering over the night, over his words. Everything he had said had contradicted everything he felt, and he thought it a terrific lie. If love was just a good shag and snog, there was no substance to it, it was meaningless. But he had neither shagged nor snogged Elise and still, deep down in his heart’s crevices, he felt he loved her.
Yes, he decided, he loved her, in the oddest of ways he did, but now the question was more so: Did she love him? How very confusing love was to Sirius Black.
Scrawled messily for the December 24th entry was this…
Write Elise.
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*whew* That was a long one, hope you all enjoyed and remember, I LUV LUV LUV REVIEWS... (don't mean to beg ;)-- Ama