Disclaimer-Oops, forgot this at the beginning. Well, as it is already quite obvious, none of this is mine *sniff* (Well, except maybe for Hermione’s personality; don’t think J.K.R. had anyone that insane in the book; but I suppose we have to credit some of the style to Meg Cabot for the Princess Diaries. So it’s still not mine.) Damn, these disclaimer things are really depressing.
The World Has Gone Insane
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Thursday, November 20, 1997
12:01am, Bedroom
Aaaaargh! I just got back from Dumbledore’s office, and it was the most humiliating meeting I have ever been to! Do you know for what reason Dumbledore wanted to speak with us in the middle of the night? To give us a freaking SEX TALK! That’s right! A SEX TALK!
Dumbledore: “I’m so glad that you could both make it. I understand that it is late, but I have been meaning to speak with you two about something for quite some time, and I thought it would be best to get it over with.”
Me: “What’s the problem?”
Dumbledore: “Not so much a problem, but a concern. It has come to my attention that the students in your year have been...not sleeping in their proper beds lately.”
Me: “Well, where have they been sleeping then?”
Note to self: Reeeeally stupid question.
At this, Dumbledore looked slightly amused.
Dumbledore: “They have been...sleeping in the beds of other students. Other students of the opposite gender.”
And the light bulb finally went on. Merlin, I am slow. But I was more scared about where this conversation was going than my apparent stupidity.
Anthony: “Sir, I don’t mean to disrespect you, but what does this have to do with us?”
Dumbledore: “Well, I just wanted to warn you. I know that unlike most Muggle schools, we neglect to cover the subject of ‘Sex Ed’. I just wanted to make sure that you were aware of consequences and ask you if others were as well.”
Anthony: “Er, yeah. Most of the people got this talk from their parents, myself included.”
His face went a little red, as did mine, at the remembrance of our respective conversations about the birds and the bees. Dumbledore looked at us with a slight twinkle in his eyes, apparently finding our obvious embarrassment slightly comical.
Dumbledore: “Good. I assumed as much. But I also wanted to ask if you two would try to refrain from such activities. If your hormones will not allow that,”“there was that DAMN twinkle again!““please, at least use protection, as you two are the representatives of our school. And, if possible, encourage others to do so as well.”
I almost died right there. I was getting the “Condoms Are Good” lecture from DUMBLEDORE! He’s our HEADMASTER, for Merlin’s sake!
Me: “Um, is that all?”
Dumbledore: “Yes. You are excused. Terribly sorry about that; it’s one of the requirements that the Board of Governors gives me. I hope it wasn’t too painful.”
A likely story. Sure, they force him to do it. HA! He was enjoying himself the whole time. He just likes to watch us squirm. Needless to say, it was NOT fun for us. Both Anthony and myself walked back to our common rooms in complete silence.
Transfiguration
This class is much too boring today to stay awake, and staying up until one certainly didn’t help matters. Must keep eyes open...
Lunch
Okay, that’s it. I am just going to have to stalk Harry until I find out who the girlfriend is. He was late to lunch, and his lips were all red and swollen. And he refused to talk to anyone as he ate. Since when does Harry miss food for a girl? I must figure this out. Operation Spy-On-Harry will commence at oh-nine-hundred on Saturday (Damn teachers don’t give me any time on the weekdays with all of the freaking homework!).
Dinner
Ugh! Lavender and Parvati are being so irritating! I was sitting in the Library, just doing my Charms homework, and they sat down at the next table. They started whispering to each other“gossiping, I assume“and giggling. Now, I don’t mind gossiping that much, but I really had to finish the damn essay, and it was hard to concentrate when I heard one of their little outbursts every five seconds. So I had to leave, and there wasn’t really anywhere better I could go. I mean, it was the LIBRARY for Merlin’s sake! Where the hell is Madam Pince and her evil glare when you need her? And now I still haven’t finished the homework. I’m not going to have any free time tonight. Grr.
Later, Common Room
I was playing with my hair earlier while I was reading the new chapter for History of Magic (it’s a really bad habit, but I do it all the time) and it got tangled a little bit. I started mumbling “stupid hair” under my breath, and at the faintest mention of the word hair, Preppy and Popular (more commonly known as Lavendar and Parvati) came up to me. Apparently it was very urgent that they let me know that Sleekeazy’s might help, and that my hair would look even better balanced out with some make-up on my face to “accentuate my features.”
Do they have my frizzy hair? NO, they do not. They have perfect, cooperative hair that falls nice and straight and un-poofy without them doing anything but a drying charm. Hence, they will NEVER understand the woes of extremely curly hair. And why do they not get that I don’t want to put crap on my face every day just to make myself look more “natural”? So they should not act like they are all superior. You know, I never received that memo that made them Queens of the Universe.
But I’m still going to end up going to their stupid party. I think I might be a masochist.
~~~~~
Friday, November 21, 1997
Lunch
Oooh, big news...I’ve just found out that Ginny has a new boyfriend. And it’s Malfoy! Can you believe it? How many times has that prat insulted my Muggle parents, Ron’s lack of money, and Harry’s scar? Well...a lot! And now he’s snogging my best friend’s sister! I can’t say I’m exactly pleased with this. Ron looks a little too much in shock to start yelling. Hopefully they have enough sense to explain themselves before Ron snaps out of his little stupor over there. Though, if they don’t start talking soon, I may have to take over with the lecturing. I’m not liking this right now.
Right After Lunch
Okay, I have some more information. This is still a lot to take in. I need a minute to think about it all...there, much better, I’m back now. According to them, they have been going out for a while, but they’ve had to keep it a secret to avoid Ron’s explosion. (And it’s working so well! HA! Ron has been shouting the whole time I have been writing this. I’m not sure he’s even taken a breath yet!) I’m not quite as worried as I was before, though. It turns out that Malfoy isn’t a Death Eater like I thought (I’m still not sure I completely believe him yet; I’ll be watching him!) Apparently, his dad was giving him a really hard time about it, like with death threats and Crucios and everything, which would really suck. Ginny noticed that he was looking a little depressed lately, and being the nice person that she is, she went to talk to him. And, as they say, the rest is history.
Not that I won’t keep my eye on him.
Five Minutes Later
Okay, this is getting ridiculous! I know that Ron’s not exactly pleased with this whole situation, but does he really have to yell so bloody loud, and the same thing over and over? Goodness, he is really living up to Gryffindor standards. He is roaring at Malfoy like a bloody lion!
Ron: “DRACO MALFOY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO MY SISTER? YOU MUST HAVE BRAINWASHED HER! NOT BELOW THE IMPERIOUS CURSE, NOW ARE YOU?”
Ginny: “Ron! Stuff it! I am NOT under a spell of some sort! I love Draco! He is a wonderful person once you get to know him! He’s just been hiding under his facade to protect himself! He had to follow his family’s image to survive! Do you have any idea what he risked to finally choose to be himself?”
Ron: “OH, BLOODY FANTASTIC! HE’S ON THE RUN FROM VOLDEMORT, WHO WANTS HIS HEAD! THAT MAKES YOU EVER SO MUCH SAFER! ARE YOU BLOODY KIDDING ME? HE WILL ONLY END UP HURTING YOU! I FORBID YOU TO SEE HIM ANYMORE!”
Ginny: “You can’t tell me what to do! I can make my own decisions!”
Ron: “NOT WHEN THAT DECISION IS THE DUMBEST ONE YOU HAVE EVER MADE! NORMALLY, I CAN JUST THREATEN YOUR BOYFRIENDS WITH A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH IF THEY EVER HURT YOU, BUT I THINK I’LL JUST HAVE TO SKIP AHEAD TO THE INEVITABLE!”
Ron lunges at Malfoy with a death glare on his face, Ginny jumps between them, yadda yadda yadda...
Ginny: “Ron! Stop it right now! I refuse to let you hurt the man that I love!”
Ron: “THAT’S RIDICULOUS, GINNY! YOU’RE NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM! HE MUST HAVE BRAINWASHED YOU...!”
You see what I mean? The same thing over and over again. I think I should go and try to get him to shut up, or my ears will be ringing for days.
Later, Charms
You know, I think I’m warming up to the whole idea of them together. It will take some getting used to, but the way Malfoy looks at Ginny...it’s obvious he loves her. I couldn’t see it before, as all he really looked was petrified that Ron was about to tear him from limb to limb. Ron really goes all out when he’s mad. At one point, I believe there was mention of death by a dull shovel. Anyways, they are actually kind of cute together if you ignore the Malfoy-Weasley thing. He went straight away to comfort her after Ron’s little “lecture” was finished. I don’t think he’s going to hurt her.
I do, however, think the world has gone insane. First, Dumbledore is giving sex talks, and now, Malfoy is being NICE! Now all we need are the flying pigs.
TO DO:
1. Be the mediator in this whole Ginny/Draco thing so Ron doesn’t kill anybody. I can’t have my future husband sentenced to life in Azkaban, now can I?
2. FIND OUT WHO HARRY’S FRICKING GIRLFRIEND IS!
3. Prepare the next tutoring session with Ron (making absolutely certain that he will not use any potions to poison the real Malfoy so he can use Polyjuice to turn himself into Draco and break up with Ginny).
4. Figure out a way to trick Lavender into breaking a nail. It will scar her for life.
5. Take out the slag that Ron fancies and get him to fall into my evil trap of seduction...Muahahaha!
~~~~~