Chapter Seven
“Hello, Harry.” The old man lay on a lounge chair dressed in night clothes and a robe. He looked exceptionally pale and frail. Snape stood beside him. “You can go Severus, I know you have many things to do.”
Snape bowed slightly and left the room.
“Hello, Professor, how are you?” Harry sat in an ornate high-backed, blue satin chair.
“I’m fine Harry, just fine.” Dumbledore said, smiling. Harry could see some of the old light in his face, although he looked pallid. He patted Harry’s hand. “Let’s talk.”
“Are you sure your up to it, Professor? We can always do this another time,” Harry asked worriedly.
“No,” Dumbledore said and shook his head, frowning slightly. “no. I made the mistake of keeping things from you for years. I won’t make that mistake again. We need to talk.”
Harry nodded. They sat at Dumbledore’s doily covered table placed before a cold fireplace. Harry nervously watched the old man use a cane to make it the short distance from his couch to the chair.
“No questions, Harry?” Dumbledore smiled broader. “You’ve always had questions. No? Alright, I’ll begin. Severus has told me what the two of you have done and what you guessed. Both of you are very clever and for the most part you have guessed correctly.”
“So you are a… Guardian.” Harry stuttered.
Dumbledore nodded. “Yes. I am. One of few that remain. And…the others must remain unnamed. I have a purpose, duties, should we say, that span much more than my obligations here at Hogwarts. Very important duties, and, there the explanation must end.” He continued, “But I want to relieve your mind, Harry. You are not the next Guardian. Nor must we concern ourselves about the future in that way. It’s best to fight one enemy at a time, don’t you think?”
“Someone else has been chosen?” Harry asked.
“Yes, Neville Longbottom.”
“Neville!” Harry started.
“Yes Harry- Neville. You have turned him into quite a good warrior. He has accepted this ‘position’, if you would like to call it that,” Dumbledore smiled again. “He has known about it since last year.”
“I turned him into a warrior?” Harry said.
“Let me explain something, Harry,” Dumbledore said, “There are many things that help us to find our inner strengths. Sometimes people will fight for a cause, and sometimes for a person. Neville has been a loyal friend to you. Oh, I don’t want you to think that he fights just for you. He fights for his parents and others. But what has made him strong and a good candidate was his love for you,” Dumbledore sat up stiffly. “Just as Severus, who was so badly wounded as a child, who has no care for himself-who cannot fight for himself; will fight for me.”
Harry thought about what he was saying. “Professor, you sent Severus to Voldemort. You asked him to take the Dark Mark and spy for you. You’re using him and it could mean his death!”
“Yes, yes, I am aware of it, Harry.” The bright blue eyes saddened. “But not against his will. Never against his will. He knows what he does. And he does it because he has regained his capacity to love; to care. We will do many things if we love someone. I told you once that you survived because your mother spent her life’s blood to protect you; shielded you with her love. Severus believes the only way he can repay his debt is to do this. And it’s not just the debt he owes me, or the one he thinks he owes me- because I believe there is none. He has been there for me as many times as I have been there for him. It is not a matter of keeping score and never has been.”
“Then what?” Harry asked.
“Do you not know. You shared each others’ minds. If you cannot find the answer there then I have none.” Dumbledore’s puzzled eyes searched his face.
“For his father,” Harry said. He knew it. Snape’s memories passed before his mind like a viewing screen; and yet, he had not allowed himself to look at the memory and the emotions he had sensed in Snape. “He feels guilty for not being able to love his father and for loving you instead.” Harry thought about it for a moment. “But why? His father abused him so badly.”
“Ah, the mysteries of the human soul, Harry.” Dumbledore shook his head. “I have no special gift for understanding it all.”
“Will you tell me about my father, Albus?” Harry asked, “Snape…”
“Professor Snape, Harry or Severus, if you like,” Dumbledore remind him.
“Yes. Severus was jealous of him because you chose him as Guardian. Then, I was born and Voldemort couldn’t kill me. Severus thought I would be the next Guardian. He thought I would fail and turn into a dark wizard. He thought I would fail you.”
“Yes, for a time he did. Some of the things you did and some of the things he thought you were doing,” Dumbledore stood and moved about he the room slowly. “he thought was evidence that you were ‘corrupted’. Dumbledore shook his head and sighed, “ That word is so…wrong. There is no black and white when it comes to human beings. Anyway, he was protective of me. The position I hold, as you know, he could not take himself. But he has been forever protective of me and my choices. As you’ve probably noticed, he doesn’t always agree with my choices.”
Harry thought about Neville. How Snape had bullied him for six years because Neville had been such a poor wizard. What was he going to do to poor Neville now?
“The Sorting Hat gave us wisdom when it repeatedly said that we should take care of one another. Neville will need your help in the future, Harry. I hope that he has the same kind of support and love that I’ve gotten over the years from my friends.” Dumbledore turned to him. “We mustn’t forget that we still have a formidable enemy that continues to plague us. That is what we must concentrate on now.”
They sat in silence. Harry considered the older man.
His warm smile played over Harry’s face and he shook his head, “In this cruel and lonely world Harry, we are fortunate to have people who love us. Very fortunate. But what I think is more important is that we find a way to accept that love.” Dumbledore watched him closely, and continued, “For some reason there are those who will search all their lives for the one person they love and who could not love them in return. You lost your father and never had a chance to know him. You lost Sirius and never had a chance to be with him. Harry, you’re always looking for a father, to love you, when you fail to see the people all around you who give it willingly. You… search as if your thirst will never be quenched.”
“That’s not true Albus, I know my wife and my friends love me,” Harry objected.
“You know it, but you cannot feel it!” The blue eyes penetrated. “What is it you want child? What are you looking for?”
Harry fought the mesmerizing pull of his eyes. He jumped to his feet and paced the room, feeling the explosion coming, “Something that makes it all worthwhile, Albus! Something that takes the pain go away. A reason for why it all has to be this way!” Harry stood and felt the ache, “I need a reason to live, Albus. I need a reason to fight! I…I’m afraid, alright! Is that what you want to hear? No!… not of Voldemort- I’m…If I get too close, people suffer. If I face Voldemort and die, my friends, those who love me; suffer. IF I love and they are taken away from me, I suffer. What’s the use of trying? It’s easier not to give your heart then to have it crushed.” Harry collapsed into a chair, his eyes dry and tearless.
“And you think knowing more about your father will take this pain away, Harry? That it will make it any easier?” Albus stood and placed a hand on his shoulder, looking down at his bowed head. “You’re chasing a phantom. You will spend your life doing it.” Dumbledore sighed softly, “Harry, you have a right to be frightened. What you face is formidable. The road you take is not easy. But you cannot find the strength you need by looking back. You must find it around you. People tell you they love you and it has no effect; you can’t let it in. But it is the single most powerful weapon you have.”
Harry sat back and stared up into his headmaster’s face. “I just don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me,”
Dumbledore shook his head and walked slowly over to his lounge chair, his back to Harry and said, “Harry, I am a bit tired and I want the time to tell you about your father. But I think perhaps you would like to return to your new wife. You still have some of the summer left before school starts. This will be your last year here and we want o make the most of it.”
“What about Moody and Kingsley Shacklebolt… and Cornelius Fudge and Percy Weasley?” Harry stood to leave.
“There is nothing you can do about them,” Dumbledore said, turned and looked at him sternly.
“But, Albus?” Harry protested.
“No, Harry!” Dumbledore frowned. “You’re too valuable to risk in a rescue attempt. Sometimes, as leaders we have to make decisions that we find hard to live with. They are warriors in a war and knew the risks they faced. You must leave this to me.”
“I understand, Albus,” Harry said bitterly and turned to leave.
“Harry, you must promise me that you will not interfere.” The older man was bent, propped up with the cane. His back was turned to Harry.
“Yes, I swear, Albus. I’d like to know about my father though, soon. In case… something happens to me.”
Dumbledore remained turned away, “Soon, Harry. When I am rested.”