As the meeting Harry was setting up drew closer, James grew more excited and impatient with every day. It wasn’t just to find out exactly what it was Harry had come up with, or to understand what exactly it was that he had been working so hard on for the last month, hardly taking the time to sleep or eat. It was also the thought of actually seeing Remus in flesh and blood for the first time.
They had of course seen him. Harry had frequent communication with him through the floo-network. But seeing someone’s head in a fire was not the same thing as seeing someone for real. It wasn’t the same as trying to figure out exactly what was going on in someone’s life, or what they had been doing for the past 35 years. Because one thing was certain, in spite of Harry’s and Remus’s frequent communication he hardly knew anything about Remus’s life, and apart from hearing the girls refer to him as Uncle Remus and talking about him being Harry’s teacher at one point, he didn’t really know anything about his old friend.
And still that wasn’t the only thing that kept him anxious.
What ever Harry had figured out had to be serious, if Harry was calling together a meeting with the Order of the Phoenix, which was what he seemed to be doing. Several times he’d run his wand across the parchment in his cupboard, the names lighting up in gold and silver and red. James still wondered slightly what the colours meant. But if his guess was right then the names in gold were those that would be at the meeting, and the names in silver were the names of those killed in the war. He hadn’t figured out the two red ones yet, but Lily seemed certain they had been spies. James didn’t really like that thought, but he couldn’t come up with a better one himself.
There was also the fact that there were so many names not on the parchment. Or at least he thought so, even if he couldn’t be sure. The way Harry ran his wand over the parchment the names vanished just as quickly as they had appeared. But James had been able to spot Dumbledore’s name in silver. And he was alarmed that Sirius’s name didn’t seem to be there to be spotted.
Somewhere in his mind he already knew that his best friend was dead. He knew it because it was unreasonable for Harry to have so much contact with Remus and none what so ever with Sirius. He knew it because there had been no Christmas presents from Sirius to Lily or Millie and as far as he knew none to Harry or anyone else in the family either. But most of all, it was a feeling he had. One he didn’t like and didn’t want to acknowledge, but that he felt all the same.
Lily seemed convinced he was dead. She said so repeatedly to him, preparing him for the meeting. “Do not expect to see him, James; he is in all likelihood dead. Enjoy seeing Remus instead.” He tried to listen. He wanted to. And he needed to realise that Harry most probably wouldn’t have named his son after someone still alive. Yet he couldn’t help but to hope. He was a stubborn man, and that meant holding on until there was nothing to hold onto sometimes. He hadn’t given up on Lily when everyone told him it was useless. He wasn’t about to give up on his best friend.
Harry used the floo network to go to where ever it was he was going, and since Ginny was getting there on her own, both James and Lily had to squeeze in next to him when he was ready to go. When they stepped out of the fireplace on the other side it was into a living room that definitely had seen its best days.
The windows were dirty and the wallpaper torn. On either side of the fireplace were cabinets with glass fronts containing things that didn’t look like something neither James nor Lily would ever want to touch. There were several people already present, Weasleys mostly. Ron and his wife Hermione were there, as were Arthur and Molly and both twins. There were also a few other people there, people that James didn’t know the names of or that he only seen with Harry once or twice. Several were Aurors that he’d seen Harry talk to, but didn’t know anything about, some more recognisable than others. Only very few people were a member of the original order. McGonagall, naturally, Hagrid, of course - and a couple of people that James never known very well.
What finally caught James’s eyes, however, was not the people in the room, but the large tapestry hanging on the wall facing the fireplace. Pulling at Lily, James walked over to it. Stunned he didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when he saw what it was.
“Lily, this is Sirius’s house!” he almost shouted. “This is the house he grew up in. It must be! This is his family tree,” he said pointing to the tapestry.
“I see that James. I still have my eyes, you know,” Lily responded, irritably before she took a closer look. “Funny, Why can’t I see his name on here?” she asked confused, scanning the tapestry.
“I don’t know,” James said looking closer. “But look “ there is his brother. He should be there, where the burn-mark is.” James pointed at the tapestry, quietly remembering just how much Sirius had hated his family, suddenly understanding why. They had left his brother “ a Death Eater in, but taken him out.
The sound of Remus’s voice greeting Harry behind them caught their attention. Eagerly turning around James looked at his friend, once more wondering why it was that he looked so old, the grey hair bothering him more than he thought it would. It wasn’t a complete shock after all. He had seen him in the fireplace. Still that was not the same thing as seeing him now. He hadn’t known his hair would be this grey.
“He looks well,” Lily said.
“Well? He’s got grey hair!” James exclaimed looking at his wife as if she was slightly insane. Lily laughed.
“That doesn’t mean he doesn’t look well. He looks, I don’t know, happy,” she said. “And besides there is no guarantee that you wouldn’t have grey hair if we had been alive. We wouldn’t be twenty-two anymore, you know,” she added ruffling his hair.
“Snivellus, doesn’t have grey hair,” James retorted, matter-of-factly, as if that settled the matter completely. Lily rolled her eyes behind his back and laughed, thinking that James really could be horribly shallow sometimes.
“So, how’s Annie?” Harry asked Remus with a smile, and both Lily and James drew nearer, only casting a few short glances at the people that were adding to the crowd in the room, casually nodding to each other as they arrived. Only in the corner of their eyes did they see Molly take her daughter and daughter-in-law with her out of the room, heading for what Lily guessed must be the kitchen.
“She’s fine, although far too much like her mother sometimes,” Remus answered with a grin, causing an equally large one to spread across James’s face when he realised that he wasn’t the only Marauder with a child anymore. “She still insist on becoming an Auror, and I just know that I’m going to worry sick when she’s done with her training and actually starts working as one,” Remus continued and Harry gave him an understanding smile. James however counted. If she wasn’t done with her Auror-training yet, then she couldn’t be much over twenty, unless she did something in between Hogwarts and Auror-training, chances were that she was even younger. Moony apparently waited quite a bit before becoming a father.
“I’m sure she’ll do fine,” Harry said smiling. “Where is Tonks by the way? I thought she would be coming as well.” Remus nodded.
“She told me she would come here on her own, so I’m guessing she will be here when everybody has grown annoyed at her not being here.”
A crash from what Lily had suspected to be the kitchen, followed by Molly’s reprimands caught both men’s attention as well as James’s and Lily’s.
“Seems as if you were wrong about her turning up late,” Harry grinned.
“That would be a first,” Remus grinned back as they walked towards the kitchen.
Being too curious to stop themselves, James and Lily rushed to the kitchen ahead of Remus and Harry, only to be rather disappointed when they saw a woman far too young to be Remus’s wife saying her apologies to Molly, trying to, but being stopped from, helping to clean up the mess she made.
When Remus and Harry walked in she finally stopped, smiling at the both of them.
“Breaking the kitchen, are we?” Remus grinned walking over to the woman, kissing her swiftly, before letting her go so she could say hello to Harry. An impressed smile spread across James’s face.
“Go Moony!” he exclaimed with a grin watching the rather pretty woman with brown shoulder-length hair.
“James, stop it! That woman is closer to Harry’s age than to Remus’s! I cannot believe he would have married a woman so young,” Lily answered giving her husband a slap on the arm. That didn’t stop James from smiling smugly, however, or from slipping his arms around Lily’s waist.
“Oh, come on, doesn’t Moony deserve some happiness, love?” he asked in a tone far too soft. “You were they one to say he looked happy, weren’t you?” he then added, tilting his head, knowing she’d give in and start smiling, which she annoyingly enough couldn’t help doing.
They looked up as a terrible scream filled the house starting just after the doorbell rang.
“I swear he does that on purpose!” Harry muttered, and James and Lily couldn’t help but to wonder who he was referring to as the people walked out into the hallway, Molly opening the door while Harry and Remus struggled to close the curtains in front of a portrait of a woman screaming things that made Lily want to slap her quiet, even if she logically realised that wouldn’t be possible.
“Severus, come in,” Molly said stepping out of the way to let him in. James stared in disbelief. What in Merlin’s beard was Snape doing here? Helping, correction, pretending to help, Harry was one thing, and bad enough, but to infiltrate the Order? This was all too much. How could Harry be this stupid?
“I would have thought that you’d stopped finding that amusing,” Harry said, not even greeting him. “You know there is a reason why I allowed people to use the floo network to get here.”
“Yes I do know,” Snape answered simply, not apologizing at all for setting the portrait off.
“Nice to see you too, Severus,” Remus said as Snape turned to walk away. Not even turning around Snape continued into the parlour, the snort the only sign that he even heard Remus. James looked at his friend, wondering since when he greeted their best friend’s murderer.
Following him into the drawing room, Harry and Remus looked around the room.
“I think everyone is here, so why don’t we begin,” Harry said nodding to the big table set up in the middle of the room. Scanning the room James felt his heart go cold. Sirius wasn’t among the people there. He hadn’t expected him to be. But that didn’t mean that he hadn’t hoped. And they were in his family’s old house. A house that must have been his at one time since the order was using it for their meetings.
Watching them all sit down, he sighed. Trying not to let his disappointment take the better of him, trying to focus on what it was Harry had found out all those weeks ago.
He was apparently not the only one that was interested, because the same moment everyone was seated Kingsley spoke up, asking what it was that had caused Harry to call the meeting. Watching as all eyes turned towards Harry, James saw his son nod slightly before he began.
“I think I figured out how Malfoy escaped. And how he is keeping himself hidden,” he said waiting for the reactions from those present.
“You know where he is?” one of the Aurors asked, a man with dark hair and reddish skin. Harry shook his head.
“I hope not. Worst case scenario, he’s already at Hogwarts, might have been there for a while. Still I have no proof of that. Yet.” He added the last word with a glance at Hermione. She nodded, and James found himself wondering if that nod could have anything to do with the favour Harry had asked of her on Catherine’s birthday.
“So what is it you’ve figured out?” Remus’s wife asked, without being able to hide her curiosity.
“It’s all very logical really, and I cannot understand why I didn’t think of it sooner,” Harry began. “We all know that Malfoy escaped, and that’s about it, right?” Several people nodded, more leaned in over the table. Only Snape looked as if he was being bored to death. “What we don’t know is where he is, how he escaped, or how he’s been able to avoid capture. Now, think about how most people escaped Azkaban in the past. What would you say is the most common method?” The question seemed to throw people off. After the way Harry started, the question seemed oddly out of place.
“We know how most people escaped, Harry,” Hermione said surprised. “They were helped out by Voldemort and his Death Eaters, but Voldemort is dead as are most of his Death Eaters, and what is left of them could not have pulled this off.
“Exactly!” Harry said triumphant. “And that leaves us with only two successful breakouts to look at, doesn’t it?” he added. “The first one not noticed at all until years later, since someone was prepared to take Polyjuice potion in order to his take place in Azkaban,” Harry said making James and Lily both wonder who in their right minds would even consider doing such a thing. “The second one was an escape where no one understood how it happened, where he went or how he kept himself hidden,” Harry continued looking around the table. Many still looked baffled, but some started to understand.
“You think he is Animagus!” Hermione said quietly while looking at him. Harry met her eyes and nodded.
“Harry,” Remus said softly ignoring the sarcastic snort coming form Snape who was sitting next to him. “You are aware of the fact that the situation is different, aren’t you?” he asked. “I mean Sirius was Animagus already when he was sent to Azkaban.”
“WHAT?” James screamed starring at his former friend. “WHAT IN MERLIN’S BEARD ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO SEND SIRIUS TO AZKABAN?”
“James,” Lily said, gently touching his arm. “He cannot hear you. And look at them, none of them is surprised. Don’t you want to listen and find out as much as possible?”
James stared at her. How could she be so calm about this? Sirius had been in Azkaban! He had been forced to escape to get out. Somewhere in the distance he could hear Harry telling Remus that he had taken the fact that Sirius had been Animagus before he went in into account when he drew this conclusion. That the similarities where to many to ignore. He then turned to Snape, who was still looking as if this was the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard in his life.
“Do you remember the potion you made to keep Wormtail from transforming?” he asked him and once again setting James off, and giving him the feeling that there was something terribly wrong with the world.
“The one that failed?” Ron asked, making Snape scowl. Apparently he did not like to be reminded of failure.
“And what other potion could he possibly be talking about?” Snape snarled. “And yes, I do remember it, even though I don’t see how that would be of any importance.”
“Can you refine it? Make it work. Permanently?” Snape looked at Harry as if he had just suggested him to create a deadly poison. Or maybe not. James imagined Snape wouldn’t have a problem with creating that.
“Of course I can! That, however, does not mean that I will!” he said sharply.
“And why wouldn’t you?” Ginny asked just as sharply, her eyes narrowing.
“Because it would be a complete waste of my time!” Snape said, impatiently, to Ginny before turning his gaze to Harry. “Draco isn’t an Animagus any more than I am! We all know that. Or have you possibly forgotten that all prisoners of Azkaban undergo extensive testing to make sure they aren’t Animagi before they are put in? To avoid escapes. A result of Black’s famous break-out if I recall correctly,” he added with a snarl, once again making James want to bellow out that Sirius could not have been in Azkaban, that this must be some horrible mistake.
“Yes I do know that, Severus,” Harry answered, coolly. “Nor did I claim that he was an Animagus before entering Azkaban,” he finished. James was not the only one who stared at him, but he was probably the only one, save possibly Remus and McGonagall, that had any kind of understanding of the amount of time and energy it took to become Animagus. The idea of someone becoming one, while inside a place like Azkaban, was highly unortodox “ to say the least.
“That is probably the most ridiculous thing I have heard in my life, even coming from you,” Snape snarled. “Becoming an Animagus is hard work and can hardly be done in a prison with Dementors right outside your door!” James snorted. He might have just thought along the same lines just seconds before, but he was not going to admit to agreeing with Snape about anything anytime soon. .
“But then Malfoy didn’t have Dementors right outside his door, which you ought to know since you were at the trial when I argued that he should be allowed to keep his sanity!” Harry answered calmly looking straight at Snape. Frowning James couldn’t help but to wonder why Harry would even make such a request when the man sentenced had killed his unborn child.
“Stupidly enough,” Snape answered nonchalantly.
“Maybe, but I had Millie’s best interest in mind. She deserves the possibility to ask her parents why one day,” Harry said. “Now will you do the potion or not?”
“No, I won’t! The mere idea that Malfoy is an Animagus is ludicrous and I have more important things to do with my time!” Snape answered.
“Oh, give it up, Severus!” Remus said annoyed, surprising James. He was still uncomfortable with hearing Remus call Snape by his first name, and he still couldn’t really believe that what Harry was proposing was even remotely possible, and surely Remus would know that. “You will lose nothing on making that potion. Besides since we are already assuming that Malfoy could manage to activate the Dark Mark from within Azkaban we can’t really rule this out, now can we?”
“Don’t bother, Remus.” It was his wife that was speaking. “If Severus doesn’t want to make the potion then we shouldn’t make him. Now, while I’m not as good as him, I still managed to get an E on NEWT-level potions, and should be able to do the potion if I’m provided with the contents and method of the failed one,” she then said softly. Snape looked very insulted.
“Perfect!” Harry said, quickly, just as Hermione was starting to speak, making Snape look horribly disgusted.
“I will not have someone who doesn’t know the first thing about the subtle art of potions brewing tampering with my research!” he snapped. “If you insist on this nonsense then I will do the potion for you.”
Stifling a giggle, Remus’s wife winked at Harry and her husband while thanking Snape for his generous offer. Looking at Harry and Remus, James and Lily could see that they were both sniggering behind their fists, trying not to get noticed.
The rest of the meeting went fairly quick. There were still a lot of people concerned and some doubtful, but they all agreed that it was worth a try since they really didn’t have anything else to go on.
When the meeting was over, Molly made sure to find out who was staying for dinner. It wasn’t that many. The Weasleys naturally, Remus and his wife, Hagrid, Dean and a few of the Aurors. Most, however, said their goodbyes and went home. McGonagall felt obliged to return to Hogwarts and Snape simply snorted at the suggestion, as if it had been an insult to extend the invitation to him in the first place. Not taking any notice of him at all, Molly headed out to the kitchen. While Ginny called out to her mother that she would join her later and started talking to her father, Harry made sure to pull Hermione away from the others.
“How is it going?” he asked her quietly, forcing James and Lily close to hear. They also noticed Remus coming closer.
“Well I haven’t been able to do everything you asked me to. Not without breaking the magic already on it and I didn’t want to do that,” she said taking out a piece of old parchment that James immediately recognised as his old map. With surprise he stared at it, and even if he had heard the twins say that they had used it, he was nevertheless somewhat amazed that it still existed.
“I’m glad you didn’t,” Remus said quietly, telling James and Lily that he had known about whatever it was Hermione been asked to do. “It took us a long time to finish that map, and I would hate to see it ruined.”
“It’s not I promise,” Hermione answered with a smile. “But it will show anyone that doesn’t belong at Hogwarts in red instead of blue, so the dot of anyone that isn’t supposed to be on the grounds will be easy to see.”
“You didn’t manage to make it apply to just Malfoy, then?” Harry asked. Hermione shook her head.
“I’m sorry Harry, and I know this means that it will show new red dots several times a week, as well as show everyone’s spouses in red as well since I could only make it accept those that either work or study there as “belonging”, but it will at least be better than nothing,” Hermione said. Harry nodded and took the map.
“Thank you, Hermione. I know you did your best, and I’m sure it will help.” Hermione gave him a weak smile and Lily thought she looked a bit guilty about not being able to produce a better result.
“It’s fine, Hermione,” Harry said stroking her arm before putting the parchment in his pocket and moving across the room to see Kingsley off through the front door. Apparently Snape hadn’t been the only one to come that way. Once Kingsley was out the door Harry sat down on one of the steps of the stairway, leaning his head back on the wall, his eyes closed.
“You work too hard.” Harry opened his eyes and looked at Remus.
“I can sleep when it’s over,” he said simply as Remus stepped over him to sit on the step above his. Facing Harry he leaned back on the banister.
“Harry, there is no reason not to take care of yourself,” Remus said quietly, both of them speaking softly, probably to avoid waking up that horrible portrait again. “You’ll need your strength, and by the looks of it you don’t eat much either.” Harry smiled.
“Taking care of me again, Remus?” he said with a light smile.
“Well, when you aren’t,” Remus answered. “Besides, since your father isn’t here to do so, I’m the only one left, aren’t I?” James closed his eyes. He had known it, but hearing it was still different. There would be no more illusions this time. He couldn’t pretend that he was sick, or simply too busy not to be there. Sirius was dead. As simple as that. And still it hurt him worse than he would have thought.
The two men sat in silence for a while, Harry’s head leaned back on the wall with his eyes closed again. Remus watching him.
“I still miss him, you know,” Harry then said softly, and somehow James didn’t need to hear his name to know he was talking about Sirius.
“I do too,” Remus answered. Harry opened his eyes and looked at him.
“I know you do,” he said. Remus smiled at him shortly, then he frowned and leaned forwards.
“Look Harry, I didn’t want to say anything in there with Snape jumping down your throat, but…”
“But you think he is right,” Harry finished for him. Remus nodded and sat back.
“We all know Malfoy wasn’t an Animagus when he went into Azkaban, Harry. Even you admit to the testing being accurate, and the idea that someone in a place like Azkaban would be able to learn how to become one... Harry I saw how hard your father and Sirius and Peter worked to become Animagi. I saw the blood, sweat and tears they put into it. It took three years Harry!”
“Malfoy had ten,” Harry answered simply.
“But he didn’t have the extensive Hogwarts library to help him, and,”
“You don’t think Malfoy could get any books he wanted into Azkaban? Seriously, Remus!” Harry said cutting him off. “Besides, Malfoy had something that Sirius never had. Something worth fighting for. A reason to escape from the start.” Harry paused. “Remus, imagine that Annie had been taken when she was a little girl, and then raised by the person you hated most in the world “ wouldn’t you do anything to get her back?” he then asked. Remus nodded. “Remember why Sirius finally escaped?” Harry then added. Remus smiled.
“To protect you,” he said, making James smile in spite of the pain of knowing his best friend had been forced to go through so much.
“And I wasn’t even his son,” Harry said.
“You were his godson, and he loved you more than anyone in the world,” Remus said. “And he was the only person in the world that knew you were in danger. Thanks to my failing to see the truth,” he added.
“Remus, don’t. Sirius never blamed you for believing the charges against him,” Harry said and suddenly James felt as if he couldn’t breathe. How anyone could believe Sirius was guilty of anything worthy of putting you in Azkaban for was hard for him to understand, how Remus of all people in the world could believe such a thing was beyond him.
“He was my best friend. I could have gone to see him. To confront him. Anything! At least once,” Remus said.
“Yes, you bloody well could have!” snapped James. Remus, unaware of James’s presence, continued.
“Instead I spent twelve years believing that he had betrayed your parents and killed Wormtail. Once in twelve years I could have paid him a visit. I chose not to.” James stared at him, feeling completely blank, as if his mind stopped working then and there. Sirius had been in Azkaban for twelve years “ because of him! Accused of betraying him. And Remus had chosen to believe it!
He would have screamed and ranted. He wanted to. He wanted to shake Remus and ask him how in Merlin’s name he could ever have believed that Sirius would betray him, that he would kill Wormtail. He wanted to shout at him that Snape had killed Wormtail and that he should have known it. But somehow he couldn’t. It was if his throat suddenly became too small, and the air vanished from the room “ and so he stared at the only one left of his friends and said nothing.
“Remus, the world thought the same as you did. No one but Sirius and Wormtail knew my parents switched Secret-Keeper, and Wormtail made damn sure that everyone believed it was Sirius. He fooled everyone when he faked his own death and framed Sirius for it. And he was your friend as much as Sirius, so why wouldn’t he be able to fool you? Why would you think he was the spy working for Voldemort, when everything pointed to Sirius?” Confused James shook his head, not able to take in what his son had just said. No, it wasn’t true. It couldn’t be. Peter couldn’t, wouldn’t “ and then the realization sank in. The reason Harry didn’t care about Snape killing him. The reason Remus hadn’t reacted to Snape trying to stop Peter from transforming. The reason Harry had said Snape had avenged his and Lily’s deaths. And then the light went out in the world and all that was left was a horribly crippling feeling that all this was his fault.
Somewhere in the distance he could feel Lily’s hand on his shoulder. And the only thing that kept running through his mind that it was his decision that had caused their deaths, Harry’s horrible childhood, Sirius spending twelve years in Azkaban. That everything that had happened was because he had trusted Peter and Peter had betrayed them all, and still he tried to come up with excuses. He had to. He couldn’t, wouldn’t, believe it. He didn’t want to believe that one of his best friends would ever do such a thing. How could he have? They were his friends, he couldn’t have betrayed them!
Remus smiled faintly. “When on earth did you mature this much?” Harry smiled back.
“I had some help by my father’s best friend,” Harry said with a slight grin, making Remus roll his eyes but smile all the same. And while he looked at his son and best friend, James couldn’t understand how they could smile when there was really no reason to smile? How could anyone smile when the world was so wrong?
They sat in silence for a while longer, and James was grateful for that. He didn’t know if he could take anything else, if he could even stand to hear another word. Then Ginny came to get them for dinner and while James really didn’t know how they could, they seemed to have a nice time eating. He left the room after only a few minutes, not able to take another laughter. He was standing by the window staring out on the street when Lily came after him.
“James,” she said hesitantly. “Are you alright?”
“You were right, weren’t you?” he said dully, not letting his eyes leave the road.
“I wish I had been wrong,” she said simply. “And I’m sorry Sirius had to go through all that. But at least he got out, he got to know Harry, and they seemed to have been very fond of each other,” she said, knowing that her words probably couldn’t bring him the comfort he needed but trying all the same.
Slowly James turned to look at her, reaching out, he held her to him as if it was dangerous to let go.
“How did the world come to this?” he whispered into her hair. “How could I have been so wrong?”