Ch. 8: YEAR SEVEN (CHRISTMAS EVE)
Lily had mixed feelings about coming back to Hogwarts for her seventh year. Sure, like the rest of her peers she was eager to see her friends again, especially Kate, she was nervous about NEWTS, and both sad and excited about it being her last year. However, it wasn’t Kate or NEWTS she had been thinking about all summer; it was James Potter.
She couldn’t get him out of her head. Every time she playfully teased Petunia that she was going to hex her she thought how James would laugh at it, and how much she loved his laugh.
When Kate owled her about seeing the World Cup in France, all she could think about was how much James had wanted to go and wondered if he and Sirius had snuck out on their brooms like they had informed most of the student body they would.
Everything reminded her of him, and it confused her. She wasn’t sure how to feel about him anymore. Of course she now understood the Cliff situation, and deep down knew she was grateful he had helped, or she could still be dating the two-faced wanker…but, then again, it had been James’ constant pride and arrogance that had bothered her so in the first place. And even if she sorted out her feelings, what could she say after she had lashed out at him so venomously?
* * *
As the train picked up speed leaving King’s Cross station far behind, James sat stiffly, absentmindedly tracing the lines of his head boy badge in his hand.
“I’m so hungry!” moaned Peter for the third time. He looked around expectantly at the other Marauders but they ignored him. He sighed dramatically and looked out the window sadly, “Really really hungry…”
Remus groaned and rolled his eyes, “Alright, alright!” He exclaimed exasperatedly standing up, “Come on, I’ll go with you to find the snack cart.”
Peter’s beady eyes glowed eagerly as he jumped up licking his lips in anticipation of the treats awaiting them. He led the way and Remus followed, pausing at the door.
“Want anything?” he asked tiredly.
James remained impassive, and with a quick glance to his companion, Sirius looked back at Remus and shook his head, his eyes speaking the only message necessary. Remus looked sadly at James and then back at Sirius, nodding his head meaningfully towards James. Sirius answered with a half smile and Remus gave in to Peter tugging impatiently on his sleeve.
The compartment was silent and Sirius, sitting across from James, watched him, pondering how to treat his sullen friend -- something he was not very accustomed to doing with the typically content James.
“Shouldn’t you be going to the Heads' Compartment?” he asked, hearing his falsely happy voice linger in the air as it broke the silence.
James gave no recognition of hearing him.
Sirius waited a minute, tilting his head to the side impatiently, and then kicked his friend in the shin.
“Ow!” yelped James, jumping and looking up startled and annoyed. Upon seeing Sirius watching him intently, he rumpled his hair irritably. “What?”
“What’s up, mate?” asked Sirius seriously.
James looked down quickly, pretending to once again amuse himself with his badge. “What are you talking about?” he asked nonchalantly.
“Cut it out,” said Sirius getting up and sitting next to him and nudging him amiably with his elbow, “What’s up?”
James rolled his eyes and looked away sighing heavily, “It’s nothing…” he trailed off mumbling.
Sirius didn’t answer and James, now feeling the heavy silence around him, shifted uncomfortably and looked back at Sirius pleadingly. Sirius just watched him silently and James looked back down at his badge.
“It’s just “ you know it’s her!” he exclaimed hopelessly, “We all know he made her Head girl, and now, well, I don’t know what to say, or how to act around her!” He paused, surprised by his own sudden confession.
“Well,” said Sirius, contemplating what had just been said in a rare moment of open sincerity, “just be yourself, mate. Stop trying so hard to impress her, or, well, basically stop everything you would normally do around her,” he finished jokingly.
“Ha, ha,” muttered James sullenly.
“Look, I mean, do you really honestly love her as much as you say?” asked Sirius curiously.
James looked up slowly and then blinking once, he nodded his head.
“Then you have to let her see the real you! Otherwise, even if by whatever miracle you were to end up together, it would all be a lie. Just cut out the crap and be Prongs.”
James mulled this all over and then nodded, standing up quietly to go the Heads' compartment. He paused at the door anxiously, speaking quickly, “But you know she’s going to be furious it’s me, and even worse “ disappointed. I don’t know if I can be all studious and responsible!” he said solemnly as if speaking despicable curses, and then lowered his voice. “What if I don’t live up to her expectations?”
Sirius thought about this a minute, and then flashed a devilish smile, “No worries there mate “ you haven’t done that once in the last six years and you’ve survived!”
* * *
The year was now nearly half over and it was nothing like Lily had expected. Except for what was absolutely necessary for Head Boy and Girl duties, James barely said a word to her. The first day back when she looked up to find him entering the Heads' compartment she had been stunned, completely floored, upon seeing that Dumbledore had selected him as Head Boy. After meeting the prefects, she had tried to find some words to express everything she was feeling at once “ the embarrassment, regret, and gratitude “ but it was all mixed into confusion, and as the train slowed to a stop and she opened her mouth to speak, James nodded solemnly and left without one avoidable word.
Since then the pattern had continued. She continually berated herself for not having the courage to go up to him and apologize and thank him, but her own fear held her back, or was it pride? In return he was pleasant enough, but he never looked her in the eye if he could help it, and when he did, the sadness in them depressed her. He was nothing like he used to be, he was subdued and quiet and she felt it was all her fault.
During another silent patrol down the hall one night, after quite a bit of pondering, she had come to the conclusion that he had an endearing personality “ now that he had stopped asking her out incessantly “ at times he was actually rather funny and quite clever as well. But he didn’t laugh much anymore, and he never told flamboyant stories to crowds of fawning girls. She hadn’t seen him tease Snape once, and she even thought she saw him restraining Sirius a couple times “ something he would have never done before.
She thought she caught him looking at her once, but he looked away so quickly she figured she must have imagined it; after all, there was no chance he could still care for her, much less love her, and though she wasn’t entirely sure why, it was a weight on her heart and she couldn’t stand him thinking ill of her.
As she entered the common room she checked the notice board to see how many other seventh years were staying for Christmas:
Sirius Black
Charlotte Brooks
Lily Evans
Kate Locks
Remus Lupin
Peter Pettigrew
James Potter (her heart fluttered, and she paused, surprised)
It was a small group, but most people were going home to visit their families. Kate had stayed for her, and she was sure the other marauders had stayed with Sirius, as they always did, because he never wanted to go home if he could help it.
Her family was going to meet Petunia’s obnoxious boyfriend and his parents because she insisted he was “the one,” but threw a fit when her parents suggested Lily come along. It was fine; she had never stayed at Hogwarts for Christmas and thought it would be nice without students bustling here and there.
Christmas Eve came and the Gryffindors threw a party in the common room. There was music and decorations, and James and Sirius had somehow snuck up hoards of snacks for everyone to greedily devour. Lily walked towards the tree in search of Kate and accidentally bumped into someone.
“Oh, sorry!” she exclaimed turning around, but froze as she found herself face to face with none other than James Potter. He looked at Lily taken aback, and then smiled genuinely.
“Hey Evans.”
“Hi,” she blushed and looked away self-consciously. He was acting friendly, as though nothing had ever happened between them, as if they were old friends meeting after years apart. They had never talked about that day, or even the letter, in fact they had hardly said two casual words to one another all semester.
“Are you having a good time?”
“Yeah, the foods great,” she joked, and he smiled back mischievously. “Hey, have you seen Kate lately? I was looking earlier but couldn’t find her.”
He smirked and pointed towards the tree. Kate was sitting very close to Sirius and they were entranced in their conversation.
She laughed, “Our handiwork still paying off I see?”
James smiled knowingly, but the grin slipped off his face as they both remembered the last time they had talked about that, and the outburst that had followed.
Both stood awkwardly for a moment, until James’ voice finally cut through the tension, “Er…maybe we should go talk to them before they begin another infamously long snogging session?”
“Sounds good,” she said smiling gratefully.
She followed him over to the couple, past Remus who was shyly flirting with Charlotte, and Peter who was stuffing his face with bon-bons and chocolate treacle. They sat on the floor by the fireplace. Kate and Sirius didn’t seem particularly thrilled at the interruption, but they were nonetheless welcomed, and the four Gryffindors had a pleasant and enjoyable conversation for hours. Peter fell asleep on the couch, an empty butter beer hanging out of his podgy, chocolate-stained hand, and Charlotte covered him with a blanket and scolded some young fourth-year mischief makers for whatever they were planning to do to him, before she and Remus joined the conversation after a bit, both blushing bashfully.
Lily talked merrily, but kept casting furtive glances at James. She admired his lopsided smile, and his good-natured laugh, which sent tingles down her spine. Over the last year, all the Quidditch he played had paid off, and as he leaned back against his arm, she could see the muscles rippling ever so subtly. Every time she caught herself gazing at him, she shivered, and tried to shake herself out of it. What are you doing?
Finally their private party was broken up, as Peter woke from a bad dream with a yelp and, after trying to smoothly conceal what he’d been up to, came over yawning and they realized it was nearly morning. They agreed they ought to head up to their dormitories and wished one another a Happy Christmas, but as Lily tossed and turned in her sheets, she couldn’t sleep. All she could think about was James.
He had been genial all evening. He was benevolent and witty, and not once did she detect any of the former arrogance that had offended her so much. Something else had been different as well. His stories didn’t seem forced; he seemed naturally pleasant, as if that was how he always behaved with his close friends. When it was 4:30 and she still couldn’t get him out of her head, she realized that there was no ignoring it, and if it hadn’t been so painful she would have laughed at the irony…she had feelings for James.
Authors note (12/26): Hey guys, so heres what happened. I submitted the last chapter before I went off to school, but i got a new computer for school and the story was saved at home. So they did this thing where they cleared all the queues because it was overwhelming or they were redoing the site, i dont remember, but i had no way to submit it again. So sorry you all had to wait, i know i hate when authors dont finish their stories, but i really didn't mean to do that to anyone. Of course, it can't be updated until the holiday break is over and i also have to go searching for it. im not so good with filing things properly, so who knows where i stuck it! but anyway, i'll do what i can to get it to you guys. And I'll send an email to everyone i have on my updates list . sorry for the bother!