Padfoot Prohibited: A list of things Sirius L. Black is no longer allowed to do or say at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, you all know the drill. I don't own any Harry Potter characters. I do however own the idea/plot for this fic, but it's based on Skippy's list.
A/N: And now I can tell you what Skippy’s List is. I apologize for trying to keep most of you in the dark, but I thought if I told you where I was getting this list from, you’d all just go google “The 213 Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The U.S. Army” and then not bother to come back and read this, hehe. So Skippy’s List is where I got the basic idea for this and then I just modified his list to fit mine and added my own items. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading this as much as I’ve enjoyed writing it. There will be one more chapter, but it will not have any new list items; it’s just sort of a closer showing you Sirius’s essay in full, etc.
A/N-2: I apologize to everyone for keeping you waiting. It just seems like everything in my life is suddenly coming down on me and I don’t understand why! On top of that, I’ve been trying to update this to Mugglenet for weeks, but for some reason, it won’t keep me logged in. I think I’m logged in and I update the chapter and I wait for a few days, trying to be patient while the moderators approve it…but they never do. And so I log in again and it’s not there anymore! Ahh!!!! But if you’re reading this, then I guess it finally decided to work or I finally decided to email one of the mods and they helped me out. But I don’t wanna talk about that. Until I get working on the sequel to this fic (That is, if after I write a few chapters and if it’s good enough. I already have the first chapter!) I’m going to be plagiarizing myself with one of my old fics. It’s called Renegade and it’s under my pen name, Liveley. I’d be honored if you read it and reviewed it. I uploaded it a long time ago and I’m a little embarrassed because I think I only got like 3 reviews. I was going to take it down since no one seemed to like it, but I thought I’d wait until after I updated this and told you guys about it. So if you like it, please review it and I’ll post the next chapter of it, which I have all ready! It’s a Sirius romance fic set in between Harry’s third and fourth years where, instead of owls, Harry gets tropical birds carrying Sirius’s letters. It also has a Raven character in it, although she’s not the same person as in this fic. That’s just sort of my signature OC name for whoever Sirius is pursuing at the time. I hope you enjoy it if you do read it, although I wrote it when I was younger, so it’s definitely not of the same caliber as this.
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Chapter 13 “ Princesses and Professor McGonagalls’
With N.E.W.T.s and O.W.L.s now over, the end of the school year was upon Hogwarts at last. Beginning some twenty years previous, Hogwarts held a costume ball to celebrate the end of the term. However, Professor McGonagall had announced that this year would in fact be the last costume ball Hogwarts hosted with the exception of Halloween.
“But why?” asked Sirius, without bothering to raise his hand.
Professor McGonagall just stared at him. “I should think that was quite obvious, Mr. Black. Or don’t you remember the fiasco that you and your so-called ‘marauders’ perpetrated last year?”
Sirius put on his trademark faultless face and looked up at McGonagall. “Whatever do you mean, Mum?”
“You know perfectly well what I mean”“ McGonagall let out a frustrated sigh. “Never mind, Black. For the safety of this school and its students, this will be our last end-of-year costume ball and once it is over”“
“The marauders will all be out of your hair?” interrupted Sirius.
“Indeed,” was McGonagall’s only response before turning back to the entire class. “Your essays should be in now, and I will see you all at the ball later this evening. Mr. Black, stay seated, please. The rest of you are excused.”
Sirius rolled his eyes as his friends exited the room. “Professor, you’re going to give me detention on the last day of the year?”
“That depends on whether or not you have an essay to give me. Yours is the only one I didn’t get.” McGonagall flicked her wand at the desk and chair in front of Sirius and the latter flipped around to face him. As she sat, she held out her hand to collect his essay.
“I do have an essay to give you,” said Sirius, reaching into his robes and pulling out his famed roll of parchment. “But I can’t give it to you yet.”
“And why not?”
“Because it’s not done.”
“Mr. Black, if you think that I’m going to allow extra time for an assignment that was given months and months ago”“
“Professor, please. Look, “ Sirius unrolled the parchment and showed her its length. “It’s not that I haven’t written it; I just need to add a few things that I can’t add until tonight. The assignment was to help guide first years through their seventh year. How can I do that when I haven’t even technically finished my seventh year until tomorrow morning?”
Professor McGonagall then looked at Sirius as though she had never really seen him before. “You mean you, Sirius Black, are actually taking this assignment, well…seriously?”
“This,” Sirius cuddled the parchment lovingly in his hands, “is my legacy. I expect to be getting top marks.”
“You always get top marks, Sirius,” argued McGonagall, calling him by his first name, something she only did when she was not reprimanding him.
“Well this time I’ve earned it, I promise.” He reached forward and picked a stray hair from the shoulder of Professor McGonagall’s robes.
Sirius could see the Professor cave in. “Very well. Have it on my desk before you catch the train tomorrow morning or you will not graduate, Mr. Black.”
“Intimidating to the bitter end,” teased Sirius, smiling at her. “Thank you.”
McGonagall smiled back, lightly. “Yes, well, run along then.”
Sirius stood up, gave her a mock-military salute, and ran from the classroom to find his friends.
Professor McGonagall watched him sprint from the room, shaking her head and smiling after him.
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The end of term feast and ball was well underway. Most of the school was already in attendance as the Head Boy and Girl entered arm in arm. Lily’s outfit matched her eyes perfectly. She wore green from head to toe: green stockings and elf-like slippers and a green dress covered with green leaves. With her hair charmed short to look rather boyish, Lily Evans, despite the fact that she was a female, made the perfect Peter Pan. On Peter Pan’s arm was Wendy Moira Angela Darling, or James Potter rather, in a pink, flowery, floor-length nightgown, slippers, and brown curly-haired wig.
Remus and Peter, the latter not being able to find a date and the former feeling sorry for him, followed behind Lily and James. Peter Pettigrew wore a red dress and braided wig and carried a basket full of goodies. His face had been enchanted pale with added fake cuts and blood to suggest that he was no longer alive.
Remus Lupin stepped into the Great Hall with his arms crossed over the full-on wolf suit and his eyes rolled above the rubber snout attached to his nose. Up until this year Remus had adamantly refused to go as the Big Bad Wolf, owing to the fact that it might be just a little too close to the truth. However, this being their last year, Sirius had threatened Remus that if he did not go as a wolf, he’d be going as the future Mrs. Sirius Black and would in fact be expected to ‘put out.’
Sirius Black strode into the Great Hall after his friends with complete confidence, smirking all the way. As far as his clothing, he was almost dressed normally. He was wearing his traditional black boots, worn black jeans, a black t-shirt, leather jacket, and sunglasses. But placed atop his precious black locks of hair was an elaborately jeweled silver tiara. Sirius was dripping with ice from his arms upward, wearing a number of rather gaudy diamond necklaces, bracelets, and rings. Finishing off his fairy princess getup, Sirius wore a frilly pink tutu and had charmed a sparkling star to stick to the end of his wand and emit colorful sparks.
Sirius glanced behind him and then did a double take. His date seemed to be missing. “Come along, Minerva.”
Out from the shadows stepped Professor Minerva McGonagall. She was in her usual attire: dark green robes and her hair up in a tight bun. Sirius slung an arm around her waist and led her after his friends.
“Lily, I still can’t believe you got James into that thing,” said Remus, smirking sideways at James.
“Well, I suggested that he go as Peter Pan and I’d be Wendy, but apparently, he found the idea of wearing tights more repulsive than my pink nightgown,” Lily mused.
“And I want to know where Sirius found that lovely tutu,” laughed James.
“Wrestled it off a troll in that portrait across from the room of requirement, mate,” Sirius responded.
James rolled his eyes. “Sure you did, Black.”
“You want the truth?”
“Yes, please,” said Peter, flipping his long curly hair.
“Alright, well, I had to leave a spleen on deposit, but Reggy-poo finally consented to let me borrow his favorite ballerina outfit.”
“Haha. Right,” replied Peter, laughing. James and Remus chuckled along with him.
Professor Dumbledore literally stumbled in behind them. He was wearing a long, beige trench coat, plaid rain hat, black leather gloves and carrying a magnifying glass and briefcase. As he stumbled over the threshold, his briefcase fell open and papers started spilling out of it. Dumbledore, however, seemed not to notice this and continued walking uncertainly into the hall. Then he stopped abruptly and pulled a magnifying glass out of his pocket. Putting the magnifying glass up to his right eye and crouching down, he began to examine the floor for clues. Then he snapped his body back up, with an expression of realization on his face.
He spoke with a French accent. “Aha! I have found a clue! Zhe notorious Pink Panther has streuck again!”
As he turned to go back out into the entrance hall he slipped on the floor and grabbed Sirius around the middle for support, letting out a scream. Sirius planted his feet firmly and helped Dumbledore up.
“You all right, Professor?”
The Professor was brushing himself off forcefully. “Of course I am all right! I am examining zhe floor for clues, you kneuw!”
Lily grinned widely and laughed. “Inspector Clouseau?”
Dumbledore turned to her. “Chief Inspector.” Then, noticing the papers that had spilled out from his briefcase, he straightened himself up and pretended he had done it on purpose.
“What was that you said?” He hurriedly began to gather them up and stuff them back inside. “Swine briefcase.”
“Here, let me help you,” offered Lily, bending down and handing him some of his papers.
“Thank you,” he said, standing up. “Well…until we meet again and zhe case is sol-ved.”
Lily giggled as the Headmaster continued to stumble on up toward the punch bowl.
Mundungus Fletcher, wearing a pirate costume, complete with a patch over one eye, ambled over to Sirius and clapped him on the back. “See that git, Snape, didn’t even bother to show his slimy”“ he gulped as his eyes found Professor McGonagall at Sirius’s side.
Sirius smirked and then scanned the room and shrugged. “Guess not. Hey Dung, have you met my date?”
“I don’t believe I have,” cut in an icy-cold, familiar female voice.
Sirius turned to face Professor Minerva McGonagall…another one. This one was pregnant, and the green and blue robes she wore over her pregnant belly were covered with globes (blue for water and green for land) of different sizes that had been enchanted to rotate on their axes.
“Hello, Professor,” said Sirius, smirking.
“Mr. Black…who, my I ask, is that?” asked the McGonagall in the “Mother” Earth costume asked, pointing at the McGonagall at Sirius’s side.
Sirius shrugged. “My date.”
“Mother” Earth pursed her lips while the McGonagall in plain green robes shrunk behind Sirius, looking apologetic.
“I suppose you think this is funny?”
Sirius shrugged again. “Mildly.”
“Ten points from Gryffindor for trying to impersonate a teacher,” barked the real Professor McGonagall. “Any more funny business and I won’t hesitate to give detentions, even on the last night of the term!”
Professor McGonagall turned sharply and made her way back up to the staff table where Headmaster Dumbledore was now stooping beside a third year boy dressed as a golden retriever and then looking up at one of his friends standing nearby. “Does yer dewg bite?”
Some forty-five minutes later when the polyjuice potion had worn off and Professor McGonagall turned back into Jenelope, wearing a red sequined dress, Sirius seemed to have lost interest in his date. James and Lily were slow dancing, Remus was still pouting in the corner, and Peter was trying to see how much shepherd’s pie he could fit in his mouth at the refreshment table. Sirius scanned the room and caught sight of something interesting.
“Watch this,” he said, as Peter sat back down next to him.
He was off his chair in a matter of seconds in pursuit of a fifth year dressed in white with her black hair braided and coiled in two buns on either side of her head and a blaster at her hip.
Sirius leaned close to murmur in her ear while she was waving at her friend, Jordan, who had just gone in search of punch. “Good evening, Your Worship.”
Raven turned and smirked at him. “You’ve seen Star Wars?”
Sirius nodded. “Dated a muggle girl down the street over the summer.”
“Oh, you dated her?”
“Yeah, we went to the movies…what?”
“Nothing,” Raven bit her lip,” just surprised you remember any of the movie then.”
“You know, Princess, not everything you hear in the hallways is true.”
“I heard that if sex were fast food, you’d have an arch over your head.”
He chuckled, “That’s a nice way of putting it.”
“You’re not going to deny it?”
Sirius shrugged. “You won’t believe me anyway.”
“That’s probably true,” said Raven. “So what do you want, Black?”
“You see my friend over there?” asked Sirius, pointing to Peter, who was staring fixedly at them. He gave a sheepish wave, wondering what they were saying about him.
“Um…yeah?”
Sirius turned back to Raven, flashing her one of his irresistible smiles. “He wants to know if you think I’m cute.”
Raven shook her head and laughed. “Will you ever give up, Black? Term ends tomorrow and I’m not sleeping with you tonight…so what are you possibly going to get out of this? We have nothing in common!”
“They say opposites attract.”
“In that case, I hope you meet someone who’s good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.”
Sirius smiled and shook his head. “Ashe, the more you resist, the more I’m gonna lay it on you.”
Raven shook her own head. “If I throw a stick, will you leave?”
“If you leave with me.”
Sirius turned to Raven’s friend, Jordan, who had just come and handed Raven a glass of punch. She was wearing a black dress from the sixties that came down a few inches below her knees. Black gloves went partly up her arms, and no the right hand she wore a white pearl bracelet over the top of the glove. She also wore large, black sunglasses and a large, black hat with white sash over her elegantly bunned hair.
Sirius furrowed his eyebrows, “Who are you supposed to be?”
After taking the punch from Jordan and thanking her, the both of them let out a scoff, which seemed to suggest that it was one of those girl things he wouldn’t understand.
Jordan put her hands on her hips and spoke reprimandingly. “Audrey Hepburn. You don’t know who that is, do you, Black?”
“Nope,” shrugged Sirius.
“Least he knew Princess Leia,” remarked Raven.
Remus, apparently deciding it was time to save Raven from being cornered by his best friend, suddenly appeared next to them. “Sirius, stop hitting on my friend. Your date’s starting to breathe fire.”
Sirius, Jordan and Raven both looked past Remus to Jenelope, who was watching them like a hawk and muttering things under her breath.
“Yeah, I think I like her better that way,” he answered.
Raven scoffed and looked at Remus for help.
Leaning in closer, Remus said, “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”
Raven giggled. “I’ll remember that. Well, I think I’ll go…do something else.” She smiled at Remus, and then went to sit down with some other fifth years.
Jordan remained for a moment to plant a kiss on Remus’s cheek and then hurried away.
Sirius stared after Raven as Remus blushed and stared after Jordan. Clearing his throat, he then turned to look at Sirius. “Give it up, Padfoot. It’s the last night of the term, and I really don’t think she’s falling for you yet.”
Sirius ran a hand through his dark hair and shrugged. “It’s a give and take relationship.”
Remus suppressed a snort. “Yeah, she gives ya shit, and you take it.”
“Yeah, I know. That’s how I like it. Fiery, isn’t she?”
Just then, Professor Dumbledore and the pregnant Professor McGonagall waltzed by them, twirling gracefully.
Sirius shouted after them, “Hey, act your age “ senile!” Remus chuckled, so Sirius added in an undertone, “Guess that confirms whose baby it is.”
After standing in the same spot for a few minutes watching Headmaster Dumbledore dip Professor McGonagall, Sirius held his hand out to Remus. “So do you wanna dance, or should we maybe go and sit back down?”
Remus laughed. “Why don’t you ask Jenelope to dance?”
Sirius rolled his eyes as they headed back over to their table.
With the dance coming to a close, they were rejoined by Lily and James. Sirius was working diligently on his essay, adding as many items as he could think of at the last minute:
64 “ Not allowed to sing “Henry VIII, I Am” until verse sixty-eight ever again.
65 “ Not allowed to drink three liters of blue food coloring before my yearly Quidditch (pee-in-a-cup) physical given by Madam Pomfrey.
66 “ Nor allowed to drink three liters of red food coloring and scream during the same.
67 “ Not allowed to bring Professor McGonagall as my date to the no-longer-annual, end-of-term costume ball.
68 “ “I’m drunk,” is a bad answer to the question, “Why would you do that, Black?” posed by my head of house or any other figure of authority even if I was joking.
69 “ Firewhiskey, green food coloring, and a ‘Cool Mint’ Listerine bottle is not a good combination even if I’m trying to make a point that Lily Evans should learn to clean her teeth without using muggle technology.
70 “ The whole of Hogwarts’ suits of armor cannot be assembled into a giant battle robot.
71 “ Hogwarts professors have neither the time nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six whole boxes of Ice Mice yesterday.
72 “ Not allowed to organize a Disco Fever Dance at 2 A.M. in the Headmaster’s office, even if the Headmaster was the one who requested “Macho Man.”
73 “ Not allowed to send out wedding invitations for Professor McGonagall and Headmaster Dumbledore.
74 “ Not allowed to claim that my first name is indeed a very fitting description of my personality and burst into bogus tears when a professor suggests otherwise.
75 “ Probably not allowed to be writing this list… ; )
Sirius sat back and let out a deep sigh. “I think I’m done.”
“With what?” asked Lily, sitting down next to him.
“My essay. I know it was due this morning, Lily,” he added, seeing the panicky look appearing on her face. “McGonagall said I could turn it in tomorrow because I wanted to add more stuff to it.”
“Sirius, are you feeling okay?” she asked.
Sirius smiled as some students started to file out of the Great Hall in groups while others remained behind to take advantage of the leftover food. He scanned through those remaining in the Hall and turned to his date, giving Peter a wink. “Jenelope, did you see where that cute fifth year went that I was talking to earlier?”
Jenelope glared at Sirius, then turned to the table behind them and picked up a glass full of punch. “Yeah…she’s in the bottom of this glass!” She poured the punch over his head.
Sirius yelped and tried to shake it out of his hair. “Jesus, Jenel, I was just kidding.”
“Sure you were. You can forget it!”
As she stalked off, Sirius waved his wand to get rid of the punch all over him. With a reprimanding stare from Lily, and a smirking one from James, the former pulled the latter toward the Entrance Hall with the other students.
Sirius watched Raven across the room since she was still sitting with Jordan and one other fifth year girl. He started to get up.
“Padfoot…” started Remus.
“You shouldn’t watch this,” said Sirius over his shoulder, with a determined sort of look on his face.
He sat down next to her. She and the two other girls were laughing and eating pieces of cake. “Well, I’ve come to throw in the towel.”
“Good for you,” said Jordan after she’d swallowed her bite of cake.
Raven pointedly ignored him, suddenly finding the frosting on her cake very interesting. She finally looked up as she felt Sirius’s eyes on her.
“What?”
“You aren’t going to say anything?” he asked.
“Nope.” She continued to eat and a few moments later, looked up again to find Sirius still watching her. “You know, that’s really creepy and annoy”“
She was cut off when Sirius instinctively pressed his lips against hers. Raven sat frozen for a few seconds, and when he pulled back, the fire in her eyes could possibly have made Lord Voldemort sweat on an off day. The two of them stared at each other for a few more seconds, Sirius with a smirk and Raven with a look of absolute venom.
Then Sirius smiled widely and winked. “Have a nice summer, Ashe.”
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A/N: Well, I hope at least some of you got Dumbledore. He was Inspector Jacques Clouseau from the Pink Panther movies. (They’re what the Pink Panther cartoons originated from.) Also, if anyone wants to see a picture of what Sirius might have looked like, email me or let me know in your review and I can send you one, but be sure to tell me your email address. The other costumes were pretty obvious. If you have questions, please ask. This chapter is incredibly long for me. I was trying to make up for not updating in forever, but it’s probably full of grammatical errors or something and I don’t want to make you wait longer while I proofread. So, hope you enjoyed it. Please check out my other fic on Mugglenet Fanfiction. Thanks! Luv, Liveley.