Padfoot Prohibited: A list of things Sirius L. Black is no longer allowed to do or say at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, you all know the drill. I don't own any Harry Potter characters. I do however own Liveley Ashe and the idea/plot for this fic, which is based on Skippy's List of Things Not to Do in the U.S. Army.
A/N: Thanks for the reviews. On FanFiction.Net I was used to just getting "Omigod, I love your story!" but you guys actually tell me what you liked about it and what I can improve on. Thanks a lot. Hope you enjoy this chapter also.
Chapter 2 - Planning Ahead
"I'm just sayin, Prongs," said Sirius as he and James were walking down the seventh floor corridor, "It used to be all," he changed to his most feminine voice, "'James Potter, I'd rather eat shit and die than go out with you'," he returned to his normal voice, "and now it's like," back to the girly voice, "'Oh, Jamesey, I loooooove you. Oh, Jamesey, I neeeeeeed you. Oh, Jamesey, I can't live without you...'"
"I think you're exaggerating just a little bit there, Padfoot," replied James.
"Whatever, man. All I'm sayin is like we leave school for the summer and you come back and she's all over you. And you never even told me how it happened when you had no problem telling me every little detail about all the other girls."
"It's different with her, Sirius. It's not just about that. I'm pretty sure I love her."
Sirius stuck out his tongue and made a gagging sound as he rolled his eyes and scrunched up his face. "Listen to yourself, Jay! Are you aware you just used the "L" word?"
"I'm sorry, Padfoot, I can't help it. Laugh now, but it'll happen to you whether you want it to or not."
"Oh no it won't!" Sirius stopped walking and stared adamantly into his best friend's eyes. "Sirius Black does not fall in love! Sirius Black has never loved anything! Sirius Black is a player and he's proud of it!"
It was James' turn to roll his eyes. "Why is Sirius Black referring to himself in the third person?"
The two of them laughed together as they came to a tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy and a bunch of trolls wearing pink tu-tu's. They continued walking past the tapestry and then turned and backtracked past it again. Looking as though they were concentrating very hard, they did this two more times. A polished door with a brass handle appeared on the wall opposite the tapestry and Sirius twisted the doorknob as the trolls in the tapestry started voilently clubbing their supposed ballet teacher.
As they entered the cozy little room they froze. Remus was already there, but he was obviously unaware of their presence. He was singing at the top of his lungs as he searched through a large bowl filled with ice and bottles of different flavored butterbeer.
He sang, "If you hear em howlin around your kitchen door, you better not let em in. Little old lady got mutilated late last night, werewolves of London again. Ahh-ooh, werewolves of London. Ahh-oooooooh. Ahh-ooh, werewolves of London. Ahh--AHHH!"
He suddenly let out a shriek as he caught sight of James and Sirius snickering in the doorway. His face instantly turned red. James and Sirius laughed loudly and clapped, begging for an encore. Despite his bright red face, Remus smiled and bowed grandly. Sirius issued red roses from his wand and threw them at Remus.
"You make that up, Moony?" asked James.
"Nah, it's a muggle song. I kinda like it," he grinned.
"Yeah, fits you perfect," agreed Sirius with a smile. He also dug through the bowl and pulled out a raspberry butterbeer. He twisted open the cap and downed the entire bottle in one swig. "Where's Pete?"
Remus shrugged his shoulders. "Probably forgot how to get in again," he rolled his eyes. "I'll go check."
He went to the door and opened it. There was Peter standing there with his back to the door, scratching his head. Remus let out one short laugh.
"Hey Wormtail, you planning on comin in sometime this week?"
Peter jumped and spun around. "Oh no, I just forgot how you get into this room again."
Peter stepped into the room and Remus let the door close. The room was filled with couches and recliners, with bookshelfs along the walls. In the very center of the room was a circular couch with a circular desk in the middle containing rolls of parchment and quills. There was also another section that had every type of junk food you could imagine as well as the icebowl filled with every flavor of butterbeer.
"How about I tattoo it on your forehead for ya?" shouted Sirius, tossing his empty butterbeer bottle into a transparent box, where it promptly disappeared.
"But then how would I read it?" joked Peter.
"Okay, I'll tattoo it on your forehead and shove a mirror up your butt."
James made a face and hit Sirius across the chest.
"What?" demanded Sirius. "I was just kidding, Wormtail. I'd shrink the mirror first, obviously."
Remus and Peter laughed. "But would he remember how to blow it up again?" teased Remus.
Peter shrugged. "Doubtful."
Sirius laughed and put his arm around Peter, leading him to the large semi-circle couch that was in the middle of the room and ruffling his hair. The four of them sat around it, looking pensive.
"Gentlemen, this Marauder Meeting is now called to order," proclaimed Sirius, suddenly sounding more like his first name would suggest. "Marauder Moony, what's the status on our next...excursion into the wild?"
Remus rolled his eyes. "Excursion into the wild? Are you referring to the next time there's a full moon, or the next Care of Magical Creatures field trip?"
"Oh, don't get so huffy! When is it, mate? It's gotta be coming up."
"Friday," replied Remus.
"Friday. So...any ideas?"
"We could...try to find the entrance to that passage that Sirius and I found that leads to the girls' lavatory," suggested James.
Sirius nodded his head. "Might come in handy."
"If you don't know where the entrance is, then how do you know there's a passage there?" asked Remus.
"Well, Moaning Myrtle was flirting with Sirius again, so he told her he'd meet her in her stall. And then he sent some fifth year in there, pretending to be him, and she got all pissed and said she'd haunt him if he didn't come in and apologize. So we go in there and she's like all pissed off and then she was saying something about going back through her toilet to get a firewhiskey. So we're thinkin there has to be some sort of passageway leading from the girls' lavatory to either The Three Broomsticks or The Hog's Head," explained James, speaking rather quickly.
"How can there be a passageway from the second floor of Hogwarts leading to The Three Broomsticks?" asked Remus.
"It could be through water pipes," shrugged James.
"There's a water pipe from Hogwarts to The Three Broomsticks, I don't think so, Prongs."
"Well, someone could have made it on purpose! All I'm sayin is there might be one and we wanna find out cuz the only other passage that actually leads into Hogwarts is the Honeydukes one, and that isn't open at night. The Three Broomsticks is a bar, it'll be open all night and then we can go right to the second floor."
"What about Myrtle? She might tell on us," Peter shivered at the thought.
"So we'll give her Sirius," teased James. "He can marry her and be king of the porcelan jacuzzi."
Three of them laughed and Sirius raised his middle finger and then started to chuckle himself.
"I'll handle her, Peter," he said.
After planning their next Marauder night, the four of them got to work on their homework.
"Ya know, no one thinks we do our homework cuz they never actually see us doing it," commented Remus.
"I know. Everyone just thinks Padfoot's naturally that smart," replied James.
They waited for Sirius to make his come back...but he said nothing. His head was burried in a roll of parchment.
"Sirius, aren't you gonna say anything?" Still no response. "Sirius?"
He lifted his head as though he had just heard them for the first time. "Huh?"
"What are you working on?" asked Peter, starting over to Sirius' armchair and desk.
Sirius shrugged. "Just my essay thingy for the first years."
"You're actually taking that seriously?" demanded James.
He shrugged again and handed the parchment to James. James read:
"'Things Sirius L. Black is no longer allowed to do or say at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry?' How'd you come up with that?" He started to skim through the list and then laughed out loud.
"What?" asked Peter and Remus together.
James set the parchment on Sirius' desk, and the three of them leaned forward to read:
8 - Not allowed to speculate on the penis size of any of my male or female professors.
9 - Not allowed to threaten suicide with muggle pop rocks and coke.
10 - The proper way to report to Headmaster Dumbledore when ordered into his office is, "You wanted to see me, Professor?" not "You can't prove a thing!"
11 - I do not get "that time of the month" and, therefore, cannot use it as an excuse when trying to get out of detention.
12 - Not allowed to fly my broomstick indoors, especially to chase first years down to the dungeons.
"Oh my God, Padfoot, McGonagall's gonna murder you!" exclaimed Remus.
"I think she'll like it," he said.
A/N: Yes, there are different flavors of butterbeer. There were some song lyrics in this chapter. They were from "Werewolves of London" by Warren Zevon in case you wanted to know. Funny song, makes me think of Moony. I had a dream that Ewan McGregor was singing it, cuz I wanted him to play Moony in the movies. Not that I'm complaining about David Thewlis. I wrote this chapter before I saw the PoA movie. David Thewlis was great. Also, if anyone was confused about the trolls in pink tutu's, give me your email address in your review and I'll explain it to you. All you really need to know is that was the entrance described in the fifth book to the Room of Requirement. One more thing I wanted to say: it annoys me when people writing Marauder Era fiction tend to leave Peter Pettigrew out of the story or just have everyone else treat him like shit. He was just as much part of the group as the rest of them were. He had to be, because they all trusted him. Sirius would not have suggested Peter as the Potters' secret keeper if he had even the slightest doubt of Peter's character. And James wouldn't have accepted Peter as their secret keeper and risk endangering his wife and son if he didn't completely trust him also. Okay, that's about it. Anyways, I hope you liked the chapter and keep up the awesome reviews, those were great! Luv, Liveley.