Padfoot Prohibited: A list of things Sirius L. Black is no longer allowed to do or say at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, you all know the drill. I don't own any Harry Potter characters. I do however own the idea/plot for this fic, but it's based on Skippy's list.
A/N: Thanks for the great reviews, guys. I just started up a new semester of college and I'm trying to fit in four classes in one day so I can have Tuesdays and Thursdays off to work. I'm still adjusting to my schedule, but I think once I'm comfortable with it, i'll have a lot more time on my hands to do homework and write. Thanks again for reading. By the way, just a quick mention so no one gets mad at me, I would have had this chapter out sooner, but we had a slight mishap and Mugglenet thought I was trying to submit two chapters at once. Hopefully they'll okay it this time ... If you're reading this, then they did and I'm very glad! Please review and thank them all, lol.
Chapter 8 -- Diarrhea of the Mouth
"Hey Ashe, I waited for you all night!" Sirius called down the corridor as he spotted Raven and Jordan coming out of charms and retreating in the opposite direction.
Whether Raven didn't hear him, or was pretending not to hear him, Sirius didn't know, but he assumed it was the latter. He shook his head, "Man, that girl sure does hate me."
"But that doesn't bother you at all, right?" asked Remus, giving him a knowing look.
"It's not as if I've never been turned down before, Moony..."
Remus stopped walking and rose his eyebrows at Sirius.
"...It's just that I'm running out of places to hide the bodies."
Remus gave a sarcastic laugh.
"So you think she might like me a little bit?"
Now Remus really laughed. "No."
Sirius just smiled conspiratorially as he and Remus continued on down the corridor to their next class. "She will be mine. Oh yes, she will be mine."
Walking along the dungeon corridor, their pace slowed. Sirius flung out an arm to hold Remus back before they reached the door.
"I don't think I can do this."
Remus sighed. "Sirius, you want to be an Auror."
"Yeah, but--"
"To even qualify for Auror training you have to take potions...remember?"
"Well, you could take notes for me, mate," declared Sirius, clapping Remus on the shoulder.
"I could...but I won't," he responded. "There's always James."
Sirius turned hopefully to James, who was just rounding the corner with Lily. "Jay! Best buddy in the whole world!"
"Trust me, Sirius, you don't wanna skip today," said James, watching Lily enter the potions classroom and beckoning Sirius toward him.
"I...I don't?"
"No, you don't." James reached into a pocket and pulled out several glossy candies. Two were transparent, one blue and one red, and the third was an opaque purple. Each had a wrapper to match. A devious grin slowly spread across Sirius' lips. "How could I have forgotten?"
"Now remember, Padfoot, be convincing!" said James, winking and entering the classroom.
Sirius followed James. His eyes darted around the room and came to rest on Severus Snape, standing only a few feet from the door. He grabbed James's arm roughly and spun him around.
"C'mon, man, give me one! You can't have them all to yourself!"
"Sirius, shh!!!" scolded James, putting on a panicked expression. "Do you want the entire class to find out about them?"
"Well I'm the one who thought of adding the popular potion so everyone'll like us more if we eat them!"
James grabbed Sirius's robes and tugged. "I said shut up!"
"Well then give me one, god dammit!"
"Fine!" James hastily reached into his pocket again, pelted Sirius with a few candies, and turned to take his seat in the back row next to Lily.
Sirius sighed and bent down to pick up the candies, conveniently leaving a purple one unnoticed behind. He popped a red candy into his mouth, and followed James. Snape's eyes lingered on the purple candy.
Sirius sat next to James and stared into his eyes expectantly.
"Wait for it," he replied as he quickly glanced over his shoulder.
Snape casually took a few steps toward the purple candy, and then dropped his bookbag onto it. As he swooped down to retrieve it, James and Sirius smirked mischievously at each other. The purple candy was gone. Snape swept his greasy hair out of his eyes and found his seat a few chairs away from Sirius. He glanced suspiciously over his shoulder at the back row.
Professor Pintaine cleared his throat and flicked his wand at the blackboard. Lazy, slanted writing was now creeping across it, writing the instructions for brewing their potions.
"If you would all begin copying these down now, instead of talking..." he let his voice drift away.
Slytherin and Gryffindor heads all bent down to their parchment as they began to copy the ingredients. Snape's eyes darted to James, as Professor Pintaine strode toward him and chuckled.
"Nice shirt, Potter."
James smiled jovially and nodded his head. "Thank you, Professor." As Pintaine sauntered away, he quickly buttoned his collar shirt again, hiding the "I Luv Potions" t-shirt he had made.
"Wow, it even works on Professors?" asked Sirius curiously. James nodded. "Gimme another one!"
James pretended to hand Sirius another candy, unwrapped his blue one, and put it into his mouth.
Snape hastily reached into his own pocket, found the purple candy, and ate it.
Pintaine was at the head of the classroom again. "Now, can anyone tell me what this potion is used for?"
Snape's hand shot up as did a Slytherin girl in the second row. Professor Pintaine inclined his head to the girl.
"It increases endurance."
Sirius pounded his fist to the desk, and James shook his head at him. "Be patient, Padfoot. Snape'll get the next one.
"Five points to Slytherin..." nodded Pintaine. "And what other names does it go by?..."
Snape's hand again shot into the air. Pintaine inclined his head once again, this time to Snape.
Snape stood and opened his mouth as though searching for words. Then he smiled and said confidently, "I am an ugly slimy git, and only bathe when someone sticks my head down a toilet."
The entire class turned to look at Snape, a few seconds behind James and Sirius, who were already gazing at Snape, looking utterly bewildered.
"E-excuse me?" stuttered Pintaine.
"Sirius Black is without doubt the best looking guy on the entire planet."
James's face contorted into a satisfied smirk as the entire class turned to look at Sirius, who had given James a quick jab in the ribs and burried his nose in his parchment.
"I see..." said Pintaine. "Well, if you'll please continue to copy down the--"
"But I much prefer James Potter, that sultry, robust god amongst men," added Snape hastily.
James face went crimson as the entire class erupted into laughter. Snape, however, seemed to be in a sort of daze, unaware of the hilarity his words were causing among his classmates. The only other student who wasn't joining in on the laughter, was Lily Evans. She was giving James a very suspicious, very intimidating glare.
Professor Pintaine's mouth suddenly became very thin. "Potter, Black, Lupin, would you care to visit the Headmaster?"
Remus rolled his eyes and joined Lily in giving James the death stare.
"Remus didn't do anything, it was only--" started James.
"To the Headmaster..."
"Absolutely," answered Sirius defiantly, happy enough to get out of class. He stood up and popped another red candy into his mouth as he exited the classroom.
James (with Lily "tut"ing after him) and Remus reluctantly followed Sirius out into the corridor. Pintaine returned to the blackboard. "Right class, gather the ingredients for the--"
"Professor Pitstain should really think about using deodorant when he gets up in the morning."
"Sit down Mr. Snape," said Pintaine through clenched teeth.
With that, Snape again took his seat and began to copy down the instructions from the blackboard.
Sirius spit his red candy out the nearest window as the three of them made their way up to Dumbledore's office.
"What the hell was that all about, or don't I want to know?" asked Remus.
James reached into his pocket and pulled out a purple candy. "Hungry, Moony?" He grinned now that Lily was not there to scold him.
Remus looked as though he'd rather jump into the lake and wrestle with a kappa than take what James was offering him. James then removed the blue candy from his mouth and showed it to Remus.
"Snape had the purple, Sirius had a red, and I had this one. Blue and red make purple, get it?"
"Thanks for the tip," Remus replied dryly. "So, if Snape takes the purple one and you idiots eat the other two, you can control what he's saying?"
"Pretty much. What we think, he's forced to say out loud."
"So if you ever wanna get a girl, mate, I got your back," said Sirius, winking at Remus.
Remus snorted. "I'm already visualizing the spellotape over your mouth."
"Doesn't matter, I only have to think it, remember?" replied Sirius.
"So how come Snape had no idea what he was saying?"
"That was my idea," said Sirius proudly. "We put a Cunfundus charm on the purple candy mix before it hardened. Snape was in a sort of daze. He had no idea what was going on around him until both James and I took the candy out of our mouths."
"Well, in the future, you might want to make him say things about someone other than yourselves so I don't get kicked out of class all the time," Remus said.
"Yeah, didn't think about that," laughed Sirius. "It was worth it, though. Besides, we have a date with Dumbledore anyway, to talk about our detention from last night."
"Ah, yet another escapade that was entirely not my fault that I got in trouble for," said Remus, sarcastically, although he was smiling now.
When the three of them returned to the common room, they saw that potions class had already been dismissed. Lily was waiting for James with her hands on her hips and her right foot patting the floor irritably. She swooped down on James as he climbed through the Fat Lady portrait.
"James Potter, what did you do? How could you get sent to Professor Dumbledore's office when we already have a detention from him?"
Sirius rolled his eyes and quickly dodged Lily's gaze, retreating to a table in the corner. Remus and Peter (who had just come from Herbology) followed him.
"Well, it's about time I did my homework." He unfolded his essay and began scribbling immediately:
34 - Not allowed to send Howlers to myself.
35 - Not allowed to start a betting pool as to when Severus Snape will ever take a bath.
36 - Not allowed to make love to any Hogwarts statues.
37 - Not allowed to give Snape candy and then use it to take over his brain and make him say incriminating things.
After allowing Remus and Peter to read "his masterpiece" Sirius folded it and lovingly placed it safely back inside his robes. James and Lily were still going at it. Sirius rolled his eyes.
"See, that's why I never stay with a girl for more than a few weeks," proclaimed Sirius. "They act like they're your mother, and it's bad enough to have one mother, you see what I'm saying?"
Remus now rolled his eyes while Peter laughed.
"You're saying you don't want someone going," Peter's voice changed into a high female-like one, "'Sirius Lee Black, how dare you give Snivelly a boob job?'"
Sirius smiled widely. "Exactly."
"Let me guess, you want her to worship the ground you walk on and praise you for every prank you pull?" asked Remus.
"Yeah! Exactly what I've been telling everyone! I'm really easy to get along with once all you people learn to worship me." He laughed, but then his expression turned sincere. "No, she's entitled to her own opinion, Moony. I just don't want her forcing her opinions onto me."
"Well, all girls do that, don't they?" asked Peter.
Remus ignored Peter. "I can see your point, Padfoot, but I still think you're full of crap."
A/N: Anyone notice that little "Wayne's World" part in there? Sorry, I couldn't resist. My brother is watching it behind me right now. Actually, it's the second one that he's watching, but anyway, I hope you liked the chapter. Only a few more to go! Luv, Liveley.