“Rise and SHINE!” Godric bellowed over Ron’s head.
“Shut up Godric! It’s only been five minutes since we lay down!” Salazar shouted grumpily.
“Oh, really? Sorry,” Godric climbed back into his medieval sleeping bag and began to expand upon the evil plots he had invented for Ron.
“Rise and SHINE!” Godric bellowed over Ron’s head. It had no effect however as the latter was in the sort of deep sleep provoked from eating three times your weight. However, Harry and Salazar, having only eaten a normal portion, awoke.
“Will you shut up? It’s been ten minutes since you last yelled!” Salazar growled.
“Sleeping in a shack sucks,” Harry commented.
“IT IS NOT A SHACK!” Godric bellowed, “IT TOOK ME TWO MONTHS TO BUILD THIS CASTLE!”
“I hate sleeping in poor architectural designs,” Harry muttered.
“Chocolate to the first person who stuns him,” Rowena called.
“Chocolate?” Ron asked, wide-awake at once.
“RISE AND SH””
“STUPEFY!!!”cried three voices in unison.
“Wait a minute,” said Helga, “it really is morning.”
And sure enough it was, the golden rays of sunshine mingled with the blue sky and all the inhabitants of the “castle” awoke and dressed in their splendid rags and sat to a feast conjured by the artful wand of Rowena Ravenclaw. And everyone ate happily and peacefully, while songbirds sang in the morning sun and lived happy ever after. The people I mean, not the songbirds.
“Medieval Merlin, that is the worse hangover I’ve ever had,” Godric mumbled, stumbling into the kitchen.
Okay, so maybe not a happy ending. Godric was wearing a sour look on his face, but that changed when his eyes lit upon Ron, who was polishing off his fifth helpings. He adopted an evil grin, which doesn’t work with everyone. Godric’s menacing grin looked more like a clown smile, but those didn’t exist back then.
“Godric, wipe that silly smile off you face, you looked like a court jester,” Salazar said.
“I do not””
“A female court jester.”
“Well, isn’t this exciting,” said Helga excitedly to quell Godric’s shouts of indignation, usually when people find things exciting they talk excitedly, “our first real school day!”
“Rah rah,” said Rowena despondently.
“Hey, I have an idea,” Godric began, adopting once more his excuse of an evil grin, he lost it after Salazar glared at him, “How about we even the teacher/student ratio a bit by each taking one student?”
“Brilliant idea! The first grand idea of this school in fact!” cried Helga eagerly, “How about you choose first Godric?”
“NO!” said Ron, who’s mouth was empty for a moment.
“YES!” crowed Godric triumphantly, “and I choose …YOU!”
“Please specify, simply crying out ‘YOU’ doesn’t really give us any headway as to who you want to teach,” Salazar said coolly.
“Alright, the ugly one!”
“Ron’s not ugly! He’s really cute, with his gorgeous blue eyes and “mmph!” Hermione shoved her hand into her mouth before she revealed more. Embarrassed, she quieted herself.
“Then why did you assume he meant me when he said ‘the ugly one’?” asked Ron, half pleased, half indignant. Hermione didn’t answer, her hand had become stuck in her mouth, which was probably for the best, she realized, she didn’t trust her mouth at the moment.
“I pick the other boy,” Salazar said lazily, waving his hand in Harry’s direction. It’s a good thing he specified, as he could have meant the chicken pot pie.
“Good, then Rowena and I will take the half-wit,” Helga said cheerfully. Hermione dislodged her hand from her mouth.
“I am NOT a half-wit,” she cried indignantly.
“Then why did you assume they meant you?” asked Ron.
“Because no one else is left.”
“Oh, yeah that…”
“Prove you’re not a half-wit, what’s two plus two?” Helga asked.
“Huh?”
“Blast, she got the right answer.”
“Alright, Ronnie boy,” Godric began as he and Ron traversed the large meadow that held the lake in modern day Hogwarts. In ‘ye olde Hogwarts’ however, it was simply a meadow full of flowers. “I have big plans for you.”
“Grand.” Ron commented dryly.
“My first big plan is……”He drew out the word dramatically, “is…………………”
“Alright, first remember that the only reason I agreed to this whole ‘let’s play schoolhouse’ thing is because of the tax deductions, I didn’t think they were actually serious.” Salazar fumed to Harry, “and now I’m stuck with you.”
“Yeah, I know,” said Harry.
“Here I could have been playing chess with Godric.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“You know how to play chess?”
“Yeah, I know.”
“is…………………………………………………..”
“Alright, now we are going to teach YOU, the halfwit, how to build a castle for our first lesson.” Helga informed Hermione.
“I am NOT a halfwit!”
“What’s two plus two?”
“You asked that question the last time.”
“Blast! And you got the right answer again!”
“is……………………………………”
“Get over with it already,” yawned Ron.
“Alright it is………..”
“Shut up.”
“Alright, you stupid girl, first you must levitate the stones,” Helga explained, demonstrating with her wand.
“I am NOT a stupid girl.”
“What’s””
“YOU’re the stupid girl.”
“Blast, you’re right.”
“NO! You can’t make me!” cried Ron indignantly.
“Oh yes I can!”
“I won’t! It’s an insult to my manhood, my dignity!”
“Oh, but you will do it.”
“I am NOT skipping through the meadow, picking flowers!”
“Because you defy me, I am adding an extra embarrassing punishment,” Godric declared, “and that is……………………………..”
“Oh shut up and cut to the chase.”
But before we cut to the chase, we must cut to before the chase.
“Knight to E4,” the knight moved obediently, smashing the queen as it went, “Checkmate! I win again!”
“NO!” Salazar, in his anger, jumped up from the table and began chasing Harry.
Now let us cut away from the chase.
“That costume is about as ugly as a baby swan,” Ron commented.
“Hah! It IS a baby swan costume,” Godric said, “and you have to wear it!”
“NO!”
“YES! While you pick flowers!”
“NO!”
“Mwahahahahahaha!”
Cutting back to the chase:
Harry was fast, but Salazar used a magical spell to increase his own speed. He managed to run in front of Harry, and for a while Harry was chasing Salazar. Then they were chasing each other, running in a circle. Finally they collapsed and burst out laughing. Cue the “best friends” music as the reader is taken through a montage of Harry and Salazar eating ice cream together, laughing at the movies together, having a snowball fight together. Now bring the reader back to reality by pointing out that none of this is possible in the spring of the Medieval Age. But Harry and Salazar did become friends, and walked down to the meadow together. At the edge, they stopped.
“What the heck is that?” Harry asked, shocked.
“That,” Salazar replied, “is why you should never eat a powerful wizard under the table.”
And there was Ron, doing a demented sort of skip through the meadow in a baby swan costume, picking flowers. His face burning bright red from humiliation. Every now and then he would call out threats to Godric over his shoulder, which caused Godric to hex him by turning his feathers various colors.