“Well, the food is good, I’m surrounded by friends, and there’s a huge blanket hovering in midair outside covering Hermione’s ‘secret’ project,” said Harry, dabbing his lips with a napkin, “I’m feeling relatively good about being stuck in the dark ages for the REST OF MY LIFE!”
“Well, you got yourself here in the first place,” said Rowena.
“Haven’t we been through this already?” Harry asked tiredly, “ I was clearly not at fault.”
“Can’t we just burn them all at the stake?” Helga asked suddenly. All the others around the table turned to stare at her. “Sorry, I still have Tiberian cooking on the brain.”
“Let me help you with that,” offered Rowena, thoroughly annoyed, as Helga had been making such comments all evening, she raised her wand and cried, “ Obiviate!”
“Come now Rowena,” Godric protested, looking up from his steak and kidney pie, which he was eating at leisure, having given up trying to beat Ron. “That wasn’t very sportsmen like.”
But Rowena was focusing on Helga, who seemed to have come out of a daze and asked, “Who am I?”
“Rowena, you’re not even listening to me!” Godric protested.
“Rowena? Is that my name?” Helga asked in a bit of a daze.
“No, now let me talk to Rowena.”
“I’m listening,” Helga said enthusiastically, leaning forward.
“New Merlin, this is ridiculous, go out and…um…just leave!” Godric thundered, having two Rowena’s was too confusing, for him at least. He was beginning to forget who was who.
“Who?” asked both Rowena and Helga simultaneously.
“THE FAKE ROWENA!!!”
“There’s a fake Rowena?” asked Helga, completely taken aback. Then she turned to stare at the real Rowena.
“Identity thief!” she cried, throwing herself at Rowena.
“Please tell me you are joking,” snarled Rowena, clawing back.
“Wait!” said Salazar, holding his hands high, “I know how we can settle this.”
A few minutes later, Helga and Rowena were facing each out in the meadow which the lake would later preside in present day Hogwarts.
“Alright, here are the rules for the duel,” Salazar began, looking from Helga to Rowena, then realized how absolutely pointless it would be, “aww, screw it, BEGIN!” he said waving his hand at them.
It was mad; Helga and Rowena threw spells left and right. They obviously weren’t thinking properly because the spells landed far away from the target and did rather harmless things (ie. Watering the grass, summoning a pumpkin, enlarging a boulder).
“Okay this is just weird, what are they trying to accomplish?” asked Godric and the boulder turned green.
“I think they’re simply trying to prove which one of them is strongest and trying to humiliate each other,” suggested Hermione, watching them with interest.
They were also throwing insults over their shoulders at each other.
“Ugly Ghoul,” Rowena spat.
“Nasty Kneazle,” ‘Rowena’ replied.
“Barmaid.”
“Muggle.”
“Common hedge witch!” Rowena spat, triumphant. The medieval viewers gasped, this was one of the worst insults to be given in the dark ages.
“Alright!” spat Helga, I mean ‘Rowena’, “Now it’s personal!”
The spell she threw was true, but Rowena dodged it, and it hit the now green boulder instead. The boulder flew in the air, out of sight. Everyone craned their necks upwards, squinting, but they could no longer see it. Then a speck became visible in the distance, hurtling towards them at an alarming speed.
“Uh oh…”said Helga quickly moving away.
And now we take you to this pointless little blip in a nearby peasant village that will most likely infuriate you because you will not be able to continue with the very fascinating story. (A/N: Okay okay, there will actually be a point to it later, um...maybe, for the sake of the non-existant plot…)
“If only I could go back in time,” spat Farmer Joe, “then I woulda known not ta plant the corn, and I coulda planted mo’ wheat.”
“Hey look!” cried little Jimmy Joe, Farmer Joe’s youngest son and family embarrassment, “it’s a rock! Falling out of the sky!”
“Haha, sure Jimmy, jus’ like yer flying stars, eh? And that, wha’ was it? Oh yeah, tha’ one time ye said ye could spark fire wi’ yer bare hands?” asked Johnny Joe, Jimmy Joe’s older brother, laughing at him.
“Don’ mention that son,” Farmer Joe muttered darkly, “ye don’ wanna be incurin’ the wrath o’ the Lord, now do ye?”
“No sir,” answered both boys.
“Good, then kip yer minds on farmin’ that’s what their made fer.”
“No it’s not!” cried Jimmy Joe, “I’m going to find that flying rock! Jus’ you see! Then ye won’ be saying, ‘stupid Jimmy Joe’ nay, ye’ll be a-worshippin’ me! Jus’ you see!”
And with that, he walked off in the direction the rock seemed to have fallen, with Farmer Joe’s shouts following.
“Erm, that’s a very nice crater Helga,” Godric began tentatively.
“Crater? A nice crater? It’s a huge indentation in the meadow!” shrieked Helga hysterically. And indeed it was, Helga had created what would now be described as the bottom of the lake in present day Hogwarts, only no water.
“Yes, well, um…about that…” Godric said slowly, he said a lot of things slowly though, so it ruined the effect that he was trying to impress, that of being intelligent, “I don’t really think we can fix it…”
“We can put a nice plaque by the edge though,” offered Rowena unhelpfully, “it would read ‘Nature ruined this day by Helga’.”
“I remember now,” Helga said, “my name is Helga, isn’t it? Oh my, how silly I was being, I’m sorry Rowena, that must have been awful,” she paused thoughtfully recalling all the scenes of fight, then, “YOU CALLED ME A COMMON HEDGE WITCH!!!”
“Yes…there was that bit, but you just killed the meadow!”
“You insulted ME! You insulted my entire FAMILY!” shrieked Helga.
“MEADOW KILLER!”
“FAMILY, um… oh, I have the word! NAMECALLER!”
Little Jimmy Joe walked through the woods, in the direction of the flying rock. His family didn’t understand him, he could create fire if he needed to, just by thinking hard enough, and there was definitely something odd about him. He was hoping that the flying boulder would lead him to somewhere where people appreciated his differences.
“Ima gonna find me some fella fireshooters!” he declared to no one in particular.
“You really shouldn’t play with firelegs,” said a voice from behind a tree, "for that fact, you really shouldn’t walk around the forbidden forest without a guide either.”
“Who was tha’?” asked Jimmy Joe frightened.
“Me,” stated a short red headed figure simply, emerging from behind a tree.
“Who’re you?” asked Jimmy Joe trembling in his peasant’s robes.
“I’m from the future,” she answered, "and I'm going in the same direction as you."
“Okay, so, my life is now officially pointless,” Harry declared that night after another excellent dinner of Rowena’s, “I just wasted my day watching two witches catfight and witnessed the formation of the bottom of the lake and I still don’t know what’s under that huge bedsheet Hermione hung out where the castle is at present day Hogwarts.”
“Well,” began Hermione, “since you’re all so curious, I suppose I could show you, though the interior isn’t entirely finished yet. No furnishings or anything.”
“Show us, show us!” begged Godric, like a little kid who is dying to see his fellow kindergartners show and tell his pet worms.
Hermione waved her wand and the large sheet vanished. Underneath was a sight that made everyone drop their jaws in wonder. All except Rowena, Hermione and Helga, who had already seen it. Godric broke the silence.
“It’s a SHACK!” he stated.
“Don’t be a prat, it’s Hogwarts!” Harry cried, jubilated.
“Hermione, you are bloody brilliant, to think it took you one day to build a castle whereas it took Godric over there two whole weeks to build that yonder pigsty.” Ron said. Hermione beamed. Godric looked angry.
“It’s a CASTLE! THAT IS THE SHACK!” He complained.
“Give it a rest Godric,” Rowena, waving her hand dismissively at him, “we’re all sleeping in here tonight.”
"You know," Harry said as they later lay in the big floor of the great hall, looking up at the yet to be enchanted ceiling. "I feel better now that there actually is a Hogwarts, even if it means I'm stuck in the dark ages."
"Are you kidding me? Forget about what I said before, but all this 'student/teacher' bonding is scaring me," Ron whispered, and indeed Godric was sleeping on his other side and occasionally shouted out things like;
"Ron's my bestest fwiend!" or "Ron 'n' I are buds."
"You see?" Ron asked his present day friends, "If we don't get out of here soon, I'm going to go bonkers!"
"Again you mean?" Harry asked.
"What does he mean, again?" Hermione whispered curiously.
"Well he's already thought he was a bird..."
"YOU DID?!? I SO CALLED THAT!" Hermione cried. Ron turned bright red.
"Gee thanks mate, I'm glad you know how to keep a secret," he snarled at Harry, who rolled his eyes in return.
"It would've come out sooner or later," he retorted.
WAY WAY WAY INTO THE FUTURE
Headmistress Granger B sat at her desk playing with the Time Turner she had stolen from Rowena Ravenclaw, feeling a bit apphrehensive. Suppose Rowena did go through with her threat and send Hermione A back to her present day. Then Headmistress Granger B would never come about...
Still...she had the Time Turner, surely she could use that for something...but what?
Who is the mysterious red haired figure from the future? (this one is fairly obvious in my opinion) Will Jimmy Joe ever find fellow fireshooters? Will the author ever ask questions that don’t seem (but really are) completely relevant to the non-existant plot? (Okay I have the answer for that one too, NO)