“Psst, Harry, Ron, wake up!” hissed a voice. The Great Hall was pitch black. Harry and Ron were awoken when the same someone’s shook their shoulders.
“’S time already?” Ron asked groggily.
“Yes, you weren’t supposed to go to sleep you know, just wait until they went to sleep,” Hermione whispered back sternly.
“So, we ready?” Harry asked, feeling wide-awake.
“Yes,” answered Ginny softly, she and Hermione had stayed awake, waiting for the Heads of the Houses to fall asleep. It had taken a while due to the fact that every time Salazar fell asleep, he had nightmares of his precious grass being trampled on.
Stealthily all four slid out of their sleeping bags and crossed to a side door of the Great Hall. Tentatively, Harry pushed on the door, which opened soundlessly. He motioned to the others to come through. They exited onto the grounds covered in darkness. The grounds were covered in darkness, not the trio-plus-one. They were still wearing their Hogwarts robes from when they had arrived here. Don’t worry; they stayed fresh due to their magical properties.
“Why are we doing this again?” asked Ron, as they passed the mess of towers recently built. It looked like some toddler’s Lego set gone wrong.
“Because we really don’ t want to stay with those insane Heads for another day of construction,” Hermione replied matter-of-factly, “and if Headmistress Granger B is around, then we want to find her before she finds us.”
“But what about that alternative time route you were talking about earlier?” Ron asked.
“Like they know anything,” Harry answered, “were you able to get two words across to them that were none construction related?”
“Well, no,” Ron admitted, “I wasn’t able to get two words across at all.”
“Imagine that,” Hermione muttered under her breath.
“Hey!” Ron protested, “I resent that! Your teacher wasn’t trying to build a tower in likeness to themselves! It was really hard to keep a straight face!”
“You never keep a straight face!” Hermione argued back.
“Yes I do!” Ron answered back.
“Try it!”
“I-I…there! I did it!” Ron cried out, struggling to keep his face emotionless.
“No you didn’t! You were smiling!” Hermione argued.
“I was not!”
“You were too! Harry wasn’t Ron…Harry?” Hermione turned to look for Harry, he wasn’t there, she rounded on Ron, “Ron, where did Harry go?”
“I don’t know! Ginny, where did Harry go?” Ron protested.
“Ginny isn’t there either Ronald.”
“Yes she is! She’s right next to you!”
“There isn’t anyone next to me,” Hermione cried exasperated. Still she turned to look, two eyes looked back. Hermione screamed.
“You’re not Ginny!”
“No, I am your better self, and I have come to destroy you!” cried Headmistress Granger B, brandishing her wand.
“Bloody hell Hermione, hopefully I won’t live to see you when you’re this old.” Ron said, “How old are you anyways?”
“13.”
“No, not you Hermione, the other Hermione.”
“97.”
“Hey, what do you know, if you added Hermione A’s age to Hermione B’s age you would get 100!” Ron exclaimed, feeling proud of himself.
“No, you would get 110,” Hermione A answered, feeling annoyed, her life had been threatened and Ron was busy adding up their ages.
“Yes, your math is not very good, Saint Ron,” Hermione B corrected him.
“Why do you want to kill Hermione?” Ron asked curiously.
“So that she can’t come back and prevent me from coming into existence of course!” Hermione B stated. “After all, that’s what Rowena threatened would happen.”
“What? You’re just going to point your wand at Hermione and it’s over?” Ron asked. “I was hoping for more of a show.”
“RONALD!”
“Well, c’mon Hermione, don’t you want to go out with a bang?”
“I DON’T WANT TO GO OUT AT ALL!!!”
“Well, I’ll be here with you,” Ron said in a somewhat subdued tone.
“YOU B”actually that’s kind of sweet,” Hermione stopped herself to admire Ron’s apparent, erm, affection.
“He’s right,” Headmistress Granger B interrupted, “I want to come up with a creative weapon.” Her eyes swept around the empty field and landed on”
”the remnants of Ron’s swan suit.
“When do you think they’ll realize we already left?” Ginny asked Harry. They had abandoned the bickering pair and were entering the Forbidden Forest.
“Um, right about, now!” Harry cried. Sure enough shouts could be heard, as well as pounding feet.
“They’re going to wake up everyone if they keep carrying on like that.” Ginny snorted impatiently.
“Um, Ginny, I think the situation is more serious than that,” Harry said, peering out from the foliage.
“What? They aren’t killing anything, are they?” Ginny asked perplexedly, coming next to Harry to look through the foliage.
“Oh. My. Gawd.”
“I thought only American ditzes said that,” Harry commented.
“Shut up,” Ginny retorted, “who would have thought that one old lady would be able to cause so much damage?”
“It’s a pretty original method though,” Harry said thoughtfully.
“To enchant a duck suit to kill your first ‘copy’?” Ginny asked in disbelief. “It’s just plain insane.”
“Actually, I believe it’s a swan suit.”
“Okay, you think you are a bird for two minutes and then the whole world is after you about it,” Ron gasped as he and Hermione ran from the enchanted bird costume Ron had previously been forced to wear.
Headmistress Granger B had decided that it would be more terrifying if the swan suit brandished a club. The result was the Ugly Duckling gone wrong.
Very wrong.
“I mean, c’mon, do you see her enchanting a failed quiz to haunt you?” Ron asked as they darted away from the mad Ugly Duckling.
“Quick, towards the Forbidden Forest,” Hermione gasped, out of breath.
“I’m going through an emotional crisis here!” Ron cried out. “Have you been listening to anything I’ve said?” He stopped in disbelief. “My past is haunting me!”
“Ron, your past doesn’t even exist yet.” Hermione called over her shoulder, “Nor will it if you don’t move NOW!”
CRASH!
Fortunately mad Ugly Ducklings with clubs don’t have very good aim, otherwise Ron-suddenly-turned-emo would have been smashed. But because mad Ugly Duckling with clubs don’t have very good aim, all he got was a stubbed toe.
“OW! Now I’m in emotional and physical pain!” he cried out, wincing.
“Ron if you don’t move NOW, you will not be able to ‘heal’ those so-called ‘wounds’!” Hermione snapped impatiently from the edge of the Forbidden Forest.
“I’m not moving from this spot!” Ron shouted indignantly.
Ginny realized it was time for her to take action. “You’ll have a hell lot more of emotional pains when I show the entire middle ages your baby pictures!”
Had the speed of light been discovered back then, I would have said Ron moved as quickly as that, unfortunately in the middle ages, about the fastest thing around was, um, a horse? Or maybe an emu, but whatever it was Ron moved as quickly as it thus was able to escape the mad Ugly Duckling with a club.
“Okay, we’re in the forest, there’s a madwoman trying to kill us and she has a deranged Halloween costume bent on killing us,” Ron said, hands on his knees, taking deep gulps of air. His run had, for the moment, removed all other problems from his mind. “Now what?”
Hermione spoke up, with a wicked gleam in her eyes, “We go Headmistress Granger B hunting.”
Back at Hogwarts
So bent were the Heads of Houses on making the most formidable tower for their students that they had neglected to notice that four of their helpers were gone. Seeing that wee peasant Jimmy Joe was more of a hindrance than a help, he didn’t count as assistance.
“Damn it you stupid peasant, keep your feet off my grass!” Slytherin snarled at him once he tried to tread upon the ‘sacred ground’.
“These two square feet weren’t there the last time I walked by here,” Jimmy Joe protested.
“AVADA KEDAVRA!”
Just kidding, this is a comedy, no one can die, besides, I need to auction off Jimmy Joe’s identity, if I kill him, he loses significant value. Instead Slytherin just got this evil grin on his face and grabbed a shovel.
“I know where you can touch me!” Thus he began to frantically dig.
Headmistress Granger B hunting
“I don’t know if this will work Harry,” Hermione said nervously adjusting her bowstring from her perch in a tree.
“Why not? It worked with Ron. And we’re trying to catch a deranged madwoman, how does that differ from catching a deranged madman?” Harry answered, fiddling with his own bowstring on an adjoining tree.
“Good point,” Hermione consented.
A twig snapped to their left.
Zoom zoom zoom zoom! Four arrows zoomed forward to the source of the noise.
“Do you think we got her?” Ginny whispered.
“I don’t know, lets go and check,” Harry whispered back. They all got out of their hiding places to investigate. At first they didn’t see anything, but then”
“We killed a chipmunk!” Ginny was inconsolable. “An innocent little chipmunk. She was probably going home to feed her baby chipmunks and then zoom! Four madwoman hunters attack her!”
“Ginny, calm down,” Hermione comforted her.
“Calm down? CALM DOWN!” Ginny shrieked. “Tell that to the baby chipmunks. ‘Sorry, but no acorns for you tonight!’”
“It was only her tail,” Harry said, examining the innocent victim closely, “she’s breathing.”
The chipmunk regained consciousness and began chattering at them with great force.
“Whoa, angry chipmunk!” Harry stated, holding up his hands and slowly backing away.
The chipmunk snarled at him and then morphed…into Headmistress Granger B.
“Now I’ve caught you!” she snarled triumphantly.
“RUN!” Harry screamed, but the others were already gone, tearing off through the forest.
Once again, back at Hogwarts
“So, I invited a tribe of merpeople to come along and inhabit our lake. You know, to add more prestige to our school,” Godric bragged over a cup of punch. The head of the houses now sought to out do each other in making their school the most impressive. All, that is, except Salazar Slytherin who was still digging…something. Jimmy Joe had worried that it was his own grave.
“We don’t have a lake,” Rowena sneered at him, jealous, she hadn’t thought of anything to add to the school.
“Uh, yeah, about that, the merpeople are bringing their own,” Godric mumbled into his drink.
“BRINGING THEIR OWN?! WHERE ARE THEY GOING TO PUT IT? THE CRATER?!” Rowena snapped at him, standing. Godric grinned back at her sheepishly.
“Well, now that you mention it…” he began as Rowena fumed at him, “ I-I mean, we don’t really need a crater, now do we?”
“WE DON’T NEED A LAKE EITHER!”
“Calm down Rowena,” Helga said, “the lake would supply fresh water to the school.”
“OH, AND I SUPPOSE ONE OF THE STUDENT CHORES WOULD BE TO DRAG TEN GALLONS OF WATER AROUND THE CASTLE!”
“No,” Helga said simply, “I’ve ordered a few house elves to help us out in our chores.”
“WHAT? WHY DOESN’T ANYONE TELL ME THESE THINGS?”
“Well I picked them up in Tiberia and””
“TO BLAZES WITH TIBERIA!” Rowena shrieked enraged, on one of the walls in the Great Hall was a map of the world. The angry witch strode over to this map and pointed her wand at it.
“EVANESCO!” she cried, her wand angled at Tiberia.
“Rowena! You don’t know what the consequences of vanishing a country are!” Godric cried, stupefied. He was usually the one to make such stupid decisions.
But it was too late, Tiberia had vanished from the map, which is why you cannot find it on there today. Don’t ask me what happened to it’s inhabitants, I have no clue. I think the Romanian techno music I am currently listening to was sending me subliminal messages to get rid of Tiberia so that it wouldn’t give birth to Tiberian techno music. Which would be way better…yeah.
Back to Headmistress Granger B hunting, aka escaping evil chipmunk animagus’s
“This is not cool,” Harry panted as they raced to the edge of the Forbidden Forest. Bows and arrows abandoned. The chipmunk recently turned Headmistress Granger B had summoned her mad Ugly Duckling with a club and they were in hot pursuit of the trio, um, I mean, quadrangle.
“Yeah, that chipmunk was so cute,” Ginny said.
“I’m never going to be able to eat chipmunk again,” Ron said, looking green.
The rest of the quadrangle didn’t answer, it was too weird to merit a response.
“Hey, there’s Hogwarts!” Harry said to break the awkward silence.
“Yeah, like that’s going to help us.” Hermione snorted. “The Heads of the Houses are too busy with their own construction to bother with our lives.”
“Ravenclaw hates your evil half though,” Ron said, “this was kind of why she was doing it.”
“They’re all insane, I don’t think they listen to reason,” Hermione scoffed.
“It our only hope,” Harry said and charged straight in the direction of the castle.
But let us retreat to a birds eye view of the whole scene:
The quadrangle were heading towards Hogwarts, the only thing that stood between them and Hogwarts was the crater. But the crater is very deep and hard to get across. Never the less, they sped down the deep crater walls.
“After them!” Headmistress Granger B shrieked to her mad Ugly Duckling with a club. The horrendous costume hesitated for a few seconds and then flew down the side, only to trip on a daisy and crash.
“Oh, for Heaven’s sake,” Headmistress Granger B and followed him/her/it.
Meanwhile Harry, Hermione, Ron and Ginny had all come out on the other side of the crater to where the Heads of Houses (minus Sally) were arguing about the merpeople and the lake.
“What lake?” asked Harry confused.
“THAT LAKE!” Godric cried, pointing to the crater.
“It’s a crater.”
“IT’S A LAKE! IT TOOK ME SIX MONTHS TO BUILD IT!”
“No, it took me five seconds to enchant a boulder to crash into it,” Helga interrupted.
And then, a hole at the bottom of the crater appeared, where Headmistress Granger B was helping her mad Ugly Duckling with a club. Water began to gush from the hole.
“NO!!!” Headmistress Granger B cried, “I’m melting!”
Amazingly enough, she was. In moments she was gone and all that was left was the Time Turner twinkling innocently at the bottom of the crater. And an mad Ugly Duckling with a club that had now turned back in to a frightening costume.
“The Time Turner!” Hermione cried and ran to pick it up. Harry stopped her.
“Harry! That’s our only chance of getting back!” Hermione shrieked. But it was too late, the crater was filling quickly and the Time Turner, as well as the costume had disappeared to the lake’s depths.
“We’ll have to figure out another way,” Harry said regretfully, shaking his head.
“Oh! Good! The merpeople are here!” Godric exclaimed as large silver fish began to flash in the fading sunlight.
A/N: The end.
JK! Don’t freak out there will be a few more chapters. But now you know why not to listen to Romanian techno music as you are typing.