Disclaimer: This is quite possibly my favorite part of the whole story. I get to make some absurd claims and you all believe me. Please keep in mind that I am still under the influence. Of Romanian techno, that is. It’s quite sad. All I own is my Romanian techno track. I sold Jimmy Joe and Headmistress Granger B to the devil (aka one of my “friends”) because I had promised him my soul if the mods would validate this chapter. He decided that Headmistress Granger B was a better trade than me, and I threw in Jimmy Joe because I was so eager to get rid of him. But I still have the mad Ugly Duckling with a club (the wooden kind, not the dance kind) who is currently disintegrated at the bottom of the lake for sale starting at 500,000 lbs of gold. Any takers?
“Are we allowed to talk yet?” asked Hermione in a whisper, busy trying to keep a horrified expression on her face.
“I don’t know,” Ron answered, trying to the same thing as Hermione and, as usual, failing miserably. “Has that rotten author stopped rambling yet?”
“Ron, you fail miserably at looking scared,” Harry commented, holding a perfect pose of stupefaction on his face. It was very easy for him to do.
“Your author fails miserably.” Ron retorted, twisting the usual ‘your mum’ insult into a very grievous insult indeed.
Disclaimer: I regret to inform you that this story will no longer be continued due to the fact that I had to drop an atomic bomb on top of one Ronald Weasley. Unfortunately, this killed all the other characters and the setting as well. Thank you!
Disclaimer: I regret to inform you that I have not been able to exact my revenge because no one nowadays has any respect for artistic creativity, even if it includes killing all of your main characters at completely random points in the story.
Disclaimer: It would actually be best if you just skipped everything up until Time Turner as it is highly irrelevant to the story. Thank you for your time!
By the newly inondated lake
“The Time Turner…” Hermione babbled off weakly, an expression of abject horror on her face. She was busy staring at the murky blue waters of the lake.
“Hermione give it up, you’ve been there forever!” Ron said, “Let’s get you something to eat.”
“It’s only been five minutes, Ronald.” Hermione snapped impatiently and went back to feeling sorry for herself.
“The Time Turner…” Hermione babbled off weakly, an expression of abject horror on her face. She was busy staring at the murky blue waters of the lake.
“Hermione give it up, you’ve been there forever!” Ron said, “Let’s get you something to eat.”
“It’s only been ten minutes, Ronald.” Hermione snapped impatiently and went back to feeling sorry for herself.
“Are you done moping? Rowena needs help in the kitchen.”
“AVADA KEDAVRA!”
Just kidding, as you can see I’m not allowed to kill off deliberately rude characters because it goes against my moral beliefs. But they really don’t exist, still I like Hermione and she and Ron are destined to have 20 children together so I can’t kill him off… yet.
“Er, Hermione?” Ron asked, feeling a bit flushed.
“What Ron?” Hermione glowered at him.
“Er, it’s not ‘that time of the month’, is it?” Ron asked cautiously, “I mean, you seem a bit more uptight than usual…”
“What are you talking about Ronald? The only things I have to be uptight about are the facts that: a) I’m stuck in the past,
b) The past sucks,
c) I’m stuck with the biggest idiot in the past, yes, that would be you,
d) and half of me just drowned at the bottom of the lake!”
“Alright, I get the message, I’ll leave you and your ‘woman thing’ alone,” Ron said, backing away slowly.
“What ‘woman thing’?” Hermione demanded, very angry now. “You mean the fact that all women are meant to slave away in the kitchen? That’s why you want me there! How about you go help Rowena cook dinner? Huh? It wouldn’t hurt you for once!”
“Right, the kitchen…you uh…you just go surf on the crimson wave for a while…” with that, Ron turned and bolted.
At the newest hole in town; le hole de Slytherin!
“So Sally has been down here for how long again?” Harry asked; he and Godric were both staring down a large wide hole in the ground.
“About a day, or two…” Godric answered, trailing off, unsure.
“Sally!” Harry called down, it echoed strangely. He then pick up a small stone and dropped it down. It started falling…
…and kept falling until…
PLUNK!
“#$&@*%~ peasant! I’ll teach you!” came a snarl from far down below. The stone spun upwards like a rocket and zoomed straight at Harry like a missile of death.
“Duck!” Godric yelled, pushing Harry down. This was a very brave thing to do, but it was also very stupid because the stone struck Godric in the forehead and he keeled right over…
…into Slytherin’s hole.
Hogwarts kitchens
“So, what happens when you put potassium in water?” Ron asked curiously, holding a hefty chunk of potassium in his hands. Don’t ask me where he got it, raw materials were easier to find back then. A/N: For those of you who are not taking chemistry, potassium explodes when it reacts with water, a very violent explosion. We watched a very bad documentary about a teacher who threw a chunk of potassium into a wading pool with all her second grade students crowding around and they all got 3rd degree burns. I’m not quite sure if this is true because in the portrayal, quite a few of the students looked suspiciously like Barbie dolls.
Disclaimer: No second graders were harmed in the making of this chapter.
“DON’T!” Rowena cried out, “I need to use that to get rid of Godric’s mermaids!” She was obviously still smarting over the fact that Godric had brought in a magnificent group of magical creatures and she hadn’t.
“Godric’s a mermaid?” asked Jimmy Joe, fascinated; would the wonders of the magical world never cease?
“Are you a hag, then? Professor Hufflepuff told me about them, and she described them to look exactly like you.” he added knowledgeably.
“Oh, Jimmy Joe,” Rowena said in a sweet voice, “how about you go feed Helga, I mean, Professor Hufflepuff, some of this delicious potassium?”
“I don’t know,” Jimmy Joe said suspiciously, “she told me specifically not to accept food from hags.”
“AVADA KEDAVRA!”
Again, I am kidding, because Matt, I mean, the devil needs his Jimmy Joe alive and well. Instead Rowena began to stir the soup more fervently than ever before and stew over her problems with the other professors in the school.
At the bottom of Slytherin’s hole
“Blimey, where am I?” Godric mumbled to himself as he gazed around the darkness surrounding him.
“Who…dares…enter…the…sacred…lair…of….Slytherin?” came a wavering voice from the depths of the darkness.
“Sacred…Salazar! What the #$&@ do you think you’re doing?” Godric asked, standing up. He could see a little, thanks to the fact that it was still sunny out and there was a hole right over his head.
Which is a very stupid thing to do, because certain objects may fall down that same hole. This is especially unfortunate if the object is a 130 lb. 13 year old boy.
PLUNK! Squish!
“Sacred Salazar! I just landed on Sally!” Harry exclaimed jumping to his feet.
“Huffing Helga! Sally just landed on me!” Godric exclaimed, jumping to his feet after Harry had peeled himself off of him.
“YOU!” they both exclaimed at the same time pointing at each other, realizing that the other was not Salazar Slytherin.
“Wait, if you’re here, where’s Sally?” Godric asked, thoroughly confused.
“I was once…known…by the name…of…Sally.” Answered some poor, sunlight deprived creature as it emerged into the tiny hole of sunlight on the tunnel floor.
By Hogwarts lake
“Erm, Hermione, are you sure you’re alright?” Ron asked now thoroughly concerned. Hermione was busy fiddling with some hollow reeds and wood.
“Of course I’m alright. Well, except for all the reasons previously stated, I’m absolutely spanking.” Hermione retorted, fixing the end of one hollow reed into the secure wooden box.
Ron tried hard not to think of her unusual use of language. “What are you doing with the box then?”
“I am attempting to duplicate a modern day aqua-lung.” Hermione explained as if this were obvious.
“You mean we’re in the middle of the ages and all you want to do is scuba dive?” Ron asked, scandalized.
“It’s the middle ages, not the middle of the ages and yes, I want to scuba dive because it’s the only thing that’s going to help us. Oh, flibbertigibbet!” Hermione exclaimed as one of the reeds popped off.
At the word ‘flibbertigibbet’ (A/N: According to Microsoft Word’s spellcheck, it is a word) something peculiar happened to Ron, his head snapped a little, he straightened his back and began rattling off;
“It won’t work any ways, because water can seep through the wood of the box and the pressure would cause the box to pop. Besides, with no pump, soon you’d just be breathing in carbon dioxide, also called CO2.” Ron said in an unusually professional voice.
Hermione’s jaw dropped.
“What the flibbertigibbet just happened to you?”
At the word ‘flibbertigibbet’ however, Ron’s head sagged back to normal and his shoulders slumped. He frowned.
“I dunno.” Was all he could say. “After I asked Rowena if I could eat some potassium, she fed me this potion that was supposed to help my already superior intellect””
“Wait,” Hermione interrupted, “Rowena said you had a superior intellect?”
“Well, no, but I thought it sounded cool.” Ron admitted sheepishly, “Anyways, she got frustrated with herself because she couldn’t find the right activation word.”
“You mean the word that makes the potion work as well as stop?” Hermione asked, impressed with Rowena’s potion making skills. “Well, I obviously activated it, as well as deactivated it…hmm…” she was deep in thought.
“Oh Flibbertigibbet,” she cursed, then paused, “wait, that’s it! Flibbertigibbet! Oh flibbertigibbet flibbertigibbet!” she exclaimed happily.
Meanwhile Ron was having an odd sort of seizure every time Hermione said and unsaid the word ‘flibbertigibbet’ but that’s not really important. Hermione decided to use Ron’s short-term knowledge to her advantage.
“Flibbertigibbet!” she cried. Ron became Smart-Ron, believe me there’s a big difference between the two.
“What is the best way to retrieve a small object from the bottom of a lake?” Hermione asked Smart Ron sweetly.
“Y’know Sally, you’re really starting to scare me,” Godric mentioned as Hermit Sally emerged. His hair was tangled, as well as his beard. His emerald green robes had magically turned blackish brown and his eyes squinted in the soft light.
“Who dares…” he began in a creepy old man voice.
“Yes, yes we already know that bit,” Godric interrupted impatiently. “Sally, you’ve sort of dug yourself into a hole, both emotionally and physically. Harry and I both want to help you out of it.”
“What? No I don’t.” Harry protested, raising his hands up as if to push the idea away.
“Yes you do…”Godric growled at him.
“Uh, so, how are we going to get back up this hole?” Harry asked, trying to change the subject.
“You’re changing the subject!” Godric snarled.
“I am?” Harry asked, feigning surprise, “From what?”
“From…uh…I’ll get back to you on that…” Godric trailed off, uncertain, again.
“You should not be here…the sacred Slytherin does not like to have his lair intruded upon…” mumbled Sally.
“Shut up Sally! Since when did you start talking in third person anyways?” Godric asked him.
“Since the sacred Salazar Slytherin entered his lair…”Sally said.
“Y’know, I once read an article in a Muggle newspaper about underground gases,” Harry commented thoughtfully.
“And the point of you telling me this is?” Godric spat, now thoroughly annoyed with Harry.
“Well, maybe Sally breathed in one to many of these fumes and thus he’s gone a bit, you know…” Harry stuck his tongue out of his mouth and crossed his eyes.
“Splendid, my best friend is the world’s first huffer!” Godric huffed, “Do you have anyway to fix him?”
“The sacred Salazar needs to go confer with his spirits,” mumbled Hermit Sally and began to totter off.
“No, wait Sally, you can’t go! It is possible to stop!” Godric cried out, desperate to help his friend. “I can help you get over your addiction!”
“Chaw! No you can’t!”
“What does ‘chaw’ mean?”
“I dunno, thought it sounded cool,” Sally admitted, running a hand through his dirty hermit-like hair. Then remembering that he had a ‘meeting with spirits’ he ran down a tunnel.
“NO!” Godric cried, and ran after him. It took Harry a bit longer to realize that they had left.
“Hey! Wait up for me!”
At the lake
“Are you sure this will work?” Hermione asked Smart Ron. She had discovered that Smart Ron was also a very determined worker, in less than an hour, he had dug up an iron mine and hammered together what looked like a primitive aqua lung.
“Absolutely, but I can’t let you go down there, it’s far to dangerous, this is the job for a man!” Smart Ron drew himself up to full height. Hermione was impressed in spite of herself. Smart and heroic, and all for the word ‘flibbertigibbet’.
“Alright, but be careful…” she said, after all, it wasn’t like Ron was going to hear the word ‘flibbertigibbet’ underwater anyways. Who would say it, the mermaids?
“Wish me luck,” Smart Ron said, strapping on the aqua-lung and giving Hermione a quick kiss on the cheek before diving in.
Hermione stood there and watched him disappear, gingerly touching the spot where he had kissed her.
In the lake
Smart Ron swam around kind of randomly at first, still kind of giddy about kissing Hermione. After all he was still Ron, only on brain steroids. Then the potion kicked in and he determinedly swam towards the ocean floor. He had secretly known it was rather hopeless, the waves in the water would have swept the Time Turner around and the sand would have covered it up.
But to his luck, he saw a familiar glint of gold in a nearby patch of seaweed. He swam closer; it was the golden Time Turner chain! And it was hooked around a tall shoot of seaweed. (How seaweed started growing in the lake hours after the lake became has not been disclosed.) He eagerly tugged at the chain, looking for the most important part, the small hourglass that was at the bottom of the chain. Only…
…it wasn’t there. The chain had been broken and the little hourglass was missing. Using his Smart Ron skills, he carefully examined where the Time Turner had been separated from its chain. He could see distinct marks, which, (thanks to his Smart Ron skills) he was able to analyze as the marks of merpeople claws.
The merpeople. Evil creatures, he would have to go to them next, and see what they knew of the Time Turner. He changed his direction and swum towards the big boulder that had started the whole lake thing.
At the lakeshore
Hermione was anxiously awaiting Smart Ron’s return. It had been over two hours, where could he be? He knew that the aqua-lungs only lasted three hours.
“Waiting for someone?” Rowena asked, coming up to Hermione, only she said it distractedly, as though she didn’t really care about the answer.
“Well, yes, um… Rowena, what are you doing with that lump of potassium in your hands?”
In Sally’s hole
“Oh. My. God.” Harry said; surveying the chamber he had chased Godric and Sally into. It was, in case you haven’t guessed this already, the Chamber of Secrets. The pillars and statue in memorial to Salazar Slytherin were newly carved. The emeralds shining brightly, the snakes appeared even more alive now than they had the last year when he had battled here. Thought technically it had been hundreds and thousands of years in the future. Godric was consoling Sally at the base of the statue.
“Look, Sally, so what if you don’t have a tower to call your own?” Godric was saying. “This place is magnificent! Come to the surface Sally, we need to see you.”
“Really?” sniffled Sally.
“Really.” Godric assured him.
“Well, I won’t!” Sally said, losing all pretense of being sad.
“W-what? What do you mean you won’t?” Godric asked Sally, taken aback.
“I lured you down here to use my secret weapon on you!” Sally giggled evilly.
“Your…secret…weapon?” Godric asked slowly. His best friend was his best friend no longer, in his place was a deranged lunatic.
“Yes, this!” Sally called out in triumph; from beneath a random blanket he produced a bored looking frog sitting on top of what looked to be…
“Is that a chicken egg?” Harry asked curiously, coming over to them. “A frog sitting on a chicken egg is your secret weapon?”
“Shut up! All is not as it seems.” Sally said, waving his hand around. “You think you see a frog sitting on top of a chicken egg, but that is because you are simpletons! A true genius, like myself looks at this and sees the most powerful weapon of them all!”
“Okay, you’ve officially become a lunatic.” Godric said, shaking his head. He hoped the damage would be reversible, he really like playing cards with Sally.
“Fool!” Sally roared, “This is the most lethal creature of the animal world! The Basalisk…” he let his words echo eerily around the chamber.
“Okay, you’re officially weirding me out.” Godric stated, backing away. “And now that I’m using the word ‘official’ to describe your mental situation, I’m going to become a psychologist.”
“No.” Harry whispered in a small voice, “He’s right, it is a Basilisk, I remember having to defeat one of them in my second year.”
“Really? How did you do it?” Sally asked, impressed.
“With Godric’s sword.” Harry answered.
“I have a sword?” Godric asked confused.
“Godric has a sword?” Sally asked, equally confused, then, “Your weapon is going to kill my baby!” He pointed at Harry, “You are going to kill my baby!” He cradled the tedious frog sitting on the egg to his chest.
“Okay…I really wasn’t expecting that.” Harry said, feeling scarred for life.
At the bottom of the lake
“So, listen,” Smart Ron said, though he knew it was futile. “That little gold thing isn’t a god, it’s called a Time Turner and I need it.” (Being Smart Ron he could speak merspeak.)
“Be gone, water demon with funny lungs,” spoke the chief priest of the merpeople.
“But I need that!” Ron protested.
“Shut up fool! You don’t!”
Time was running out though. Ron had been arguing with the merpeople for over an hour. It had taken him a while to navigate his way through the newly resurrected mer-city to the mer-temple where he had found the Time Turner sitting in the position of utmost importance on the mer-altar. He only had fifteen minutes left on his aqua-lungs, so he took a deep gulp of breath and dove for the altar.
“Hey! What do you think you’re doing!” screamed the merpriest in rage.
But the Time Turner was in Ron’s hands and he was speeding for the top of their flimsily constructed water temple.
He was through! The entire mer-tribe was chasing him, but he didn’t care, he raced for the top.
“Demon of unknown origins,” roared the merpriest, “I condemn you to removed from this element!”
BOOM!
At the lake’s surface
“Ach! Gerroff me, Hermione!” Rowena squealed as Hermione tackled her.
“You killed Smart Ron!” Hermione screamed in a rage, punching Rowena repetitively. It was true, Rowena had just thrown the massive chunk of potassium into the lake. The result was a large boom, and the end of this chapter.
A/N: So…we leave you with Ron’s fate uncertain, Harry and Godric stuck with a frog-hatching-egg worshiping hermit miles below the ground and Jimmy Joe, Helga and Ginny completely absent from this chapter. What will happen?