Disclaimer: As I’m sure you all remember, we left off the last chapter with Smart Ron in a lake that had exploded with potassium. Harry and Godric are stuck miles underground with Sally and a soon-to-be basilisk. Hermione is attacking Rowena. And Helga, Jimmy Joe and Ginny are AWOL.
Also, a surprise for my 100th reviewer! (I don’t make too much fun of you, I swear.) By the way, you’re a guy because that’s easiest for me. I just needed a snappy name and yours worked perfectly.
Speaking of Helga and Jimmy Joe…
“Line up!”
About a dozen house elves scurried in a straight line in front of a small, elf shaped kitchen door. They all wore the same morose expression of servitude. Except for one fellow. While others had their shoulders hunched, his back was straight. Instead of looking at the ground, he gazed intensely at the three wizards surveying him and his kin.
“Now,” said Helga, marching up and down the line of obedient house elves, “in order, please tell the delightful fellow over there your name and which ever chore you are best at.”
Jimmy Joe sat behind a make shift desk with a quill in hand looking proud. He had no idea how to read; after all, he was a peasant. But the quill wrote by itself, so if he held onto it lightly, it looked like he knew what he was doing. One by one the elves stepped up the desk and recited their name and job of choice.
“Dimples, dishwashing.”
“Quinley, dusting.”
“Scrumper, scrubbing.”
“Hobblin, washing.”
“Fumblestilks, carpentry.”
“Pillowface, polishing.”
And on and on it went until…
“Honeydude, and I want to be on Broadway!”
“…on Broadway…wait, Broadway?” Jimmy Joe asked in surprise, letting go of the quill. It settled down, its job done. “You said your name was…Honeydude?”
“It’s not master,” cried out a house elf named Mabel (she liked to cook), “his name’s Dobbles!”
“Heh, heh, Dobby for short,” said Honeydude giving an impish house elf grin and a bow. “But I prefer Honeydude.”
“Uh…uh…” Jimmy Joe stuttered, completely at loss for words.
“Though maybe honeyDude, or how about honey_dude, nah, doesn’t have a nice ring to it,” Honeydude said, talking to himself, “I know! HD, you can call me HD. Now there’s a name with pizzazz, I can see my name embroidering the curtains on Broadway right now!”
“Er…um…I think you’re supposed to tell me which job you’d rather do…” Jimmy Joe trailed off, uncertain. Then decided he should bring in the big guns to deal with this miscreant. “HELGA!”
Speaking of Ginny…
“What? What? No one was speaking of me!” exclaimed a disgruntled Ginny.
Not speaking of Ginny…
“No! Wait! You’ve completely ignored me for an entire chapter! Let me tell you’ve what I’ve been doing this whole time!”
A very boring account of what Ginny has been doing this whole time. (Now you know why I excluded her from the last chapter.)
“Well first I sat on that rock over there,” Ginny explained pointing to a rock a few feet away. “Then I moved to that stump because the rock got too sunny. Then I realized there was a bug on the stump so I moved to that patch of grass over there…”
Miles underground
“Any minute now,” Sally breathed excitedly, gazing lovingly at the frog sitting on top of a chicken egg.
“Untie us now!” Godric demanded, upset. In a surprising burst of strength born of parental protection, Sally had tied both Harry and Godric to the base of one of the pillars so they could not harm his soon-to-be basilisk.
“No! My baby will be hungry when he hatches,” Sally said, giving Harry and Godric a loony grin.
“Sally, why are you doing this to us?” Harry asked as he fought against the ropes that bound him.
“Because of pestering peasants that he agreed to let into our school,” Sally sniffed in Godric’s direction, “and because I want too!” His face broke into a gleeful grin.
“Bloody hell, I didn’t like that peasant either!” Godric protested, wriggling around in his ropes.
“You only say that now because you’re all tied up!” pouted Salazar.
crack
Back to Ginny
“And then I sat on that rock over there! Then I fell asleep, but some emus woke me up and so I moved to…”
Moving on…
And now, the little elf that could
“I do so love to sing!” sang HD the little elf with big dreams that I invented purely for my own- albeit, twisted- amusement.
“Maybe if we lock him up in a big box and throw him in the lake…” Helga was running over ideas of what to do with the troublesome elf. So far he had neglected to stir the soup because he thought the spoon looked like a microphone, danced with a few house elves trying to carry tea trays and stepped on sacred Slytherin land.
The last one would seem unimportant, after all, the ‘sacred Salazar’ was miles below the ground coveting a frog, but he had left a few primitive landmines planted in the ground. And the explosion had caused the roast beef to turn green. Helga was thoroughly fed up with the little elf, but she couldn’t figure out what to do with him. Threatening him with clothes didn’t work because then he would start singing ‘Born to be Free!’ A/N: I swear I hate that song, but it is the ultimate song to make fun of. (After all the movies terrible, no one says ‘lets raise lions!’ unless they’re suicidal.)
“Uh, miss?” Jimmy Joe asked cautiously, ever since her roast beef had turned green, Helga had become irritable.
“Yes, what is it?” demanded the unhappy Hufflepuff.
“Er, nothing Proffesor,” Jimmy Joe mumbled, “jus’ thought you might wanna know that the rogue house elf is on the loose.”
“What?” demanded Helga, her face turning a lovely shade of red.
“He’s escaped miss,” Jimmy Joe explained, then seeing how furious Helga was looking, he decided to try complimenting her to calm her down, “and may I say that your face is an absolutely gorgeous shade of red?”
“AVADA KEDAVRA!” (A/N: Whoops! Sorry! That was the theme for the last chapter, it didn’t happen, just forget I even wrote it there.)
Miles and miles below ground (again)
“It’s hatching! Oh yes! Wake up my darling!” Salazar Slytherin cooed to the egg sitting beneath the frog. Small cracks could be seen on the surface of the eggshell.
Back to Harry and Godric who were valiantly struggling to release the ropes that bound them. But seeing as they were magically bound, it was futile. That was, until Godric remembered some rather important information.
“Harry, I have a knife in a back pocket of my robe, see if you can try and grab it.”
So Harry, after much twisting and turning, uncomfortably pulled the knife out. He then attempted to saw through the ropes.
“Hey! That my robes you trying to cut through, move your hand a little to the left.”
“Here?” Harry asked, he couldn’t exactly see, the knife was out of his line of vision.
“Yes, perfect, now up down up down.”
Sally paid them no attention; he was busy waiting for the basilisk to hatch. “C’mon, c’mon,” he muttered at the egg.
“…and then the whole herd of emus attacked me and I had to seek shelter in that nearby hollow tree…”
Okay, shut up already, you barely moved at all. I’m not paying any attention to you!
“You’d better!” Ginny exclaimed, thoroughly annoyed at the author. “I spent a whole chapter doing this!”
Disclaimer: The author would like to inform the general public that she is not obligated to input every stinking little thing that has happened to very boring people.
“Turn that thing off!” protested Ginny. “I’m not boring! Just you wait and see! I’m going to go find a way to get us back!”
You go do that.
“I will!” Ginny stated adamantly. Then she paused, “Now, which way is the Time Turner?”
Try the lake.
“Okay!” Ginny pointed her feet into the general direction of the lake. She called back over her shoulder, “Make sure you pay more attention to me in your next fic!”
I highly doubt I will.
A large rock flew from the directing in which Ginny had disappeared and hit the author in the head.
Back to HD, the singing elf!
“The hills are alive! With the sound of music…” sang the amiable little creature as he skipped along the grass. He was attempting to reenact a musical he had never heard of, it was called, The Sound of Music. He spotted a lake; it would be perfect to skip across.
“I have skipped over burbling brooks and bends…”
And the scene backs up about two feet to Jimmy Joe and Helga who are anxiously scanning every spare inch of earth for a sign of HD. So intent are they in their search that they fail to see the little house elf skipping right in front of them.
“He, pant pant must wheeze be around here gasp somewhere!” Jimmy Joe gasped, out of breath. In the distance there could be heard a little singing. But they didn’t pay any attention to it, after all they were looking for a singing elf, and who had ever heard of a singing elf singing?
“Yes, I wheeze think you’re pant pant right,” Helga puffed, her eyes intent on the ground.
This little parade continued for about a hundred more feet until Jimmy Joe, so fastidious in his ground gazing, nearly fell into the lake.
“AH! Professor! I fell into the lake!” cried Jimmy Joe in despair.
“Don’t be ridiculous, you only half fell in,” Professor Hufflepuff reasoned.
“Wah!” wailed Jimmy Joe, only then, “Look! Look Professor! It’s the madly entertaining house-elf!”
And so it was, Professor Hufflepuff wasted no time. “Catch him!” she yelled, plunging into the lake where little HD was singing songs from The Little Mermaid.
Now, you may be wondering just what on earth has happened to the lake, after all, Rowena did throw that lump of potassium into it. Here is where I disappoint you all. Mwahahahaha! I can feel the power! Anyways, the lump of potassium Rowena lobbed in direction of the lake was rather small and it made a nice little explosion. It is best you examine the word little and then compare it to the large lake.
So all that really happened was a small fountain of boiling water and the only casualties were a few dead fish. And possibly Rowena, if Hermione has her way.
“You…killed…Smart Ron!” Hermione wailed, while pulling the hair out of Rowena’s head, Rowena slumped down, unconscious, “That was a very bad thing to do! I liked him, heck I loved him.”
And at that Hermione fell to the ground and began to weep. We have a nice little soap opera going on here, in fact, it would have been better if Hermione were pregnant and had just now discovered that the father of her child was dead. But this isn’t a soap opera and these kids are thirteen so it would not work. And then someone decided to come along and wipe away Hermione’s tears.
“Hermione!” called out a jubilant voice.
“Go away!” Hermione sobbed, “There’s no point in going on, Ron is dead.”
“Er, Hermione,” the voice insisted.
“I said…” Hermione began, raising her face to glare at the callous bloke who was trying to make conversation with her, and then…”Ron,” Hermione said in disbelief.
“Who else were you expecting?” asked Ron, giving Hermione a big, 100-watt grin. Hermione wrapped Ron up in a big hug.
“I thought you were dead,” she sobbed. Ron patted her on the shoulder, searching for the right words to say. Because there really is no correct response to such a statement. But since it is the end and I’m feeling happy, he said the right thing.
“Well, I’m alive and…”he paused dramatically. Hermione brushed her tears away and looked up questioningly, “I have the time turner!”
“Oh, Ron!” Hermione cried out, exuberant. She was so happy she moved in to hug him again.
And through some odd consequence of facial placement, they ended up snogging.
Moving on…
Ginny was on her way to the lake when she came across an odd formation in the ground. What was this spectacular view? Well, nothing special really, just a hole in the ground. A very, very large hole…
in the hole
“Sally, your days of hermit-hood are over!” Godric cried, jumping to his feet.
“B-but, my basilisk,” Salazar protested. At that exact moment the egg cracked open. Despite themselves, Harry and Godric craned their necks to see what was inside.
And all they saw was a dark slimy thing resembling a large leech. This had a profoundly sobering effect on Sally.
“Eww,” he said, and then turned to Godric, “that was nasty. Let’s leave.”
“Agreed,” Godric nodded and the three of them left the silly little ‘chamber of secrets’ Sally had built and levitated themselves out of the hole.
“Wow,” said Ginny to Harry, “I think I might stand next to holes more often if you’re going to fly out of them.”
“Let’s go home Ginny,” Harry told her. And they all proceeded down to the lake.
At the lake
Ron and Hermione were still snogging when everyone got there/came to.
“Urgh,” grumbled Rowena as she woke up.
“Bleah,” said Helga and Jimmy Joe together, spitting out lake water.
“You gotta kiss the girl,” sang HD, still working his way through the Little Mermaid soundtrack.
Hermione and Ron broke apart quickly and start fumbling for excuses, but no one could really understand what they were saying until…
“Mumble mumble drowned mumble mumble Time Turner mumble…”
“Time Turner!” cried Ginny excitedly, “You guys have the Time Turner?”
“Um…yeah,” Ron said, he brandished the tarnished gold chain with the Time Turner re-attached to it.
“Well let’s use it then!” Harry cried excitedly, he turned to the others. “Listen guys, it’s been a great time, getting to meet you and have you try to kill us and all…”
“Aww,” said Sally, looking down at his feet abashedly, “group hug!”
And a large meteor of potassium lands in the middle of the lake.
KIDDING!
“Okay, Hermione, you ready?” Harry asked Hermione as she draped the chain around his, her, Ron and Ginny’s necks.
“Yes,” she said. She smiled at the assembled group one last time and then began to turn the little hourglass rapidly. To the onlookers, they vanished.
“Well,” said Godric, rubbing his hands together, “who’s up for a game of poker? I’m feeling lucky!”
“Luck be a lady tonight,” sang HD.
At the poker table
“Alright, I accept your bid and raise you my ‘secret chamber’,” Sally said to the large group assembled around the poker table.
“I mean your bid and raise you half the Forbidden Forest,” Godric said, pushing forward some miniature trees, which were obviously supposed to represent the Forbidden Forest.
“I meet those bids and throw in Ravenclaw tower, after all, who needs it?” Rowena said, pushing forward a mini tower.
“Yeah,” Helga agreed, “can you believe that we had planned on being school teachers?”
She looked around the group of her best friends, all of whom were trying to keep straight faces. Then they broke out into laughter.
“Haha, yeah, I mean what would we have to offer kids?” Godric laughed.
“Haha, you’re right Godric,” Rowena giggled, “all you could do would be to pout and whine at them. Maybe teach them why over-inflated egos are bad after they see your’s.”
“Haha-hey!” Godric protested.
“Tee hee, or maybe ‘how-to-look-like-an-orangatan’, that’s what your poker face looks like anyways,” Salazar added.
“Oh yeah?” fumed Godric, “Well, what would you offer them? All you would do would say ‘you suck now die’.”
“I would not!” Salazar protested.
THE END