24: Facing the Music
Quietly, Remus stepped inside and closed the front door. At Dumbledore’s gesture, he removed his cloak and moved quickly down the hallway and into the basement kitchen. Following a few steps behind, Moody pulled fast the door to shield their words from the portrait of Mrs Black.
There was a long, agonising silence.
Eyes burned against his skin as though to flay it off. He shifted uncomfortably, raking a hand through his darkened hair.
It was Moody who broke the stalemate, clumping forward awkwardly on his wooden leg as his mad eye whirled and spun, powered by sheer rage.
“Lupin,” he said coldly, his voice almost shaking with fury. “What the hell were you playing at?”
Remus focussed at once upon the incandescent form of his father’s old friend. It was easy than enduring the steady, sad-eyed unrelenting stare of Albus Dumbledore’s disappointment.
“Look, Alastor, before we get into this, do you think I could go upstairs and change?” He examined his black streaked hand with a sigh. “I feel like an idiot.”
“And you look like one too.” Moody asserted grimly. “And that’s because you are one, Lupin. You’ll stay where you are and live with it.”
“But…”
“Remus.” Dumbledore’s voice intruded softly, laced with betrayal, silencing his former pupil instantly. “As I’m sure you are aware, your actions this evening not only endangered your own life and risked the career I have worked so hard to ensure should be yours, you also put in peril the position and freedom of Nymphadora Tonks and possibly even the Order of the Phoenix. You have abused not one but two positions of trust I have accorded you “ as a teacher at my school and a member of the Order. I do not appreciate being lied to, Remus. Especially by those in whom I have shown great trust over the years. I would never have expected such behaviour from you. And I would like to know why you have done this.”
“I…” His voice shaking unbearably, shame strangled the rest of his words. Guilt, powerful and potent, welled up in Remus’ chest “ it was all he could do not to allow himself to be overwhelmed by the strength of it. And the intensity of Dumbledore’s blue-eyed stare was unrelenting. He swallowed hard.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.
Moody snorted. “Sorry’s all well and good. Doesn’t change a thing though, does it? And it doesn’t answer the question.”
Remus found himself unable to lift his gaze from the floor, his head weighed down by the disappointment of two men whose respect he had always cherished. His tongue felt leaden. He couldn’t speak.
Dumbledore spoke once more, his every soft word striking like a dagger’s blow against the younger man’s heart. “I did not believe you the sort of man to act rashly, Remus. And I certainly did not expect you to seek out petty revenge in this fashion. You have barely been free of Madam Pomfrey’s care three days and you are already throwing yourself into danger over what? An injury already healed? You were removed from this case for your own safety, Remus, and given a task of great responsibility. Why do you risk that over a flesh wound?”
Remus’ head snapped up. Of course. They did not know he knew. He had almost forgotten.
“I didn’t.” The words echoed across the silent kitchen. “This has nothing to do with the attack in Hogsmeade. Is that what you think of me?” He took a deep breath. “You’re not the only one who has been lied to. I know, Albus.”
The silence reasserted itself darkly. Moody and Dumbledore exchanged a long look.
“Know?” Moody repeated finally. His single human eye was filled with uncertain apprehension. “Know what?”
Remus drew himself up. “After seeing Kane in Hogsmeade, part of my father’s memory charm broke. My father explained everything to me last weekend. I know who bit me. And I know why.”
Moody closed his eyes with a deep sigh. The gaze of Albus did not waver.
“And so you pursued him.” The headmaster sighed. “But again Remus, though I understand how greatly he has impacted upon your life, the wrongs he had done you, I thought you had long ago come to terms with your lycanthropy. Why this vendetta?”
“Because he has to be stopped.” Remus took a step forward, his hands extended before him almost pleadingly. “Before he destroys another family, kills or turns another child “ or Harry! It has to end, and I just thought…”
“That you should be the one to do it?” Moody cut harshly across his words. “Poetic justice, brought down by the lad whose life he ruined, eh? No, Lupin, you didn’t think and you chose a bad time to shut your brain off. What do you think we were going to do, let him run loose because we didn’t have fate or retribution on our side? That Shacklebolt wasn’t the one who suggested that raid on The Howling to Dawlish in the first place? We haven’t been sitting on our backsides twiddling our thumbs you know. And just because we didn’t fill you in on our every move did not mean that we weren’t making them!”
Remus closed his eyes, biting his lip against an unpleasant mix of remorse and resentment. “I just wanted to do something.”
Moody snorted. “Oh you did something right enough. You made a bloody mess and you’re damned lucky that young Tonks was there to haul you out of it. If you were so desperate to act, why in hell’s name didn’t you just ask us about it before charging off on your own?”
Remus struggled helplessly. “You took me off the case once…”
“For your own blasted protection!” Moody was raging now, volume shaking the rafters “ Remus caught a glimpse of Dumbledore casting a surreptitious silencing spell over the door to keep Mrs Black from joining in. “For all the bloody good it did in the end!”
“Alastor, please.” Remus raised a hand against the blazing fury of the retired Auror. “I understand that. I also understand that you were afraid that if I got too close to Kane, he might kill me or even turn me.” He swallowed deeply. “To be honest, so am I.” He paused as the impact of his words struck uncomfortably home with both men, fighting to explain. “But I was… angry. I couldn’t stand the thought of stepping back and seeing him take away anyone else I cared about…”
His voice trailed away as Moody’s eyes widened with sudden shock. “Oh Merlin,” the older man breathed, his words a harsh realisation. “Rey never bloody went and told you about…”
Remus nodded softly, watching as Moody’s eyes closed and his expression winced at the confirmation. “He didn’t mean to. But yes, he told me who he thought killed my mother. And just a few hours ago, it was admitted to my face.”
Moody’s eyes snapped open; Dumbledore’s head flew up. Both men stared.
“He admitted it?” Moody’s voice shimmered with a tapestry of shock and hatred. “He admitted to killing Diana?”
Remus gritted his teeth, a ward against dangerous anger. “In quite vivid detail.”
Alastor almost snarled, thumping his fist down with some considerable force on the table. “I knew it. Filthy feral bastard! I’m going to grind him down into a stain on the floor! They won’t even find a fingernail…”
“Alastor.” Dumbledore’s soft reprimand silenced the rant of his friend. His eyes were fixed on the tightness of Remus’ face and the tension in his slight form. “Not now.”
Moody’s eyes focussed on the rigid form of his old friend’s son. His voice, although still firm and fierce, softened along the edges almost imperceptibly. “Just count yourself lucky I won’t be mentioning this to Rey; one Lupin on the rampage is quite enough. Sort yourself out, lad, and leave Kane to me. Trust me, I won’t let him get away with this any more than you would. Albus.”
Dumbledore inclined his head slightly in acknowledgement as, with a nod and a wave of his wand, the old Auror pulled down the wards around the door and clomped out of the room.
The gentle hand against his shoulder jerked Remus out of his grim reverie “ he looked up into the sympathetic eyes of the old headmaster.
“Remus, I understand your distress; Diana was a dear friend of mine for many years and a wonderful mother to you. But surely you understand that she would not wish to see you placed into this kind of danger. I know, given the circumstances, that what I am to ask of you now may be considered unfair. But it is for your own good.” The reassuring fingers gave a gentle squeeze. “Please. Leave this to us. Stay at Hogwarts from now on; there at least you can do some good without futilely risking your life. Do not seek out Kane again.” The blue eyes bored into his own. “May I have your word on this?”
There was a long silence. Remus’ thoughts reeled from one extreme to the other, a tangle of complications and confusion. How dare he ask this of him, knowing what that creature had done to his family? How could he be expected to simply sit on the sidelines and watch and wait in ignorance whilst others acted in his stead?
In safety. Doing the job that Dumbledore had risked his reputation to ensure he had. Doing what he’d always wanted to do, what his mother had wanted him to do “ he remembered her joy when he had broken the news of Dumbledore’s offer to her and his father the day before she left on her fateful trip to France. She had told him that she had never been so proud.
And he was jeopardising that for what? A chance to die? A chance to become the very same kind of monster that had stolen her life away?
Painful as it was to admit it “ Dumbledore was right.
He matched the gaze with resignation. “You have my word. I will not seek out Kane again.”
With a pat on his shoulder, Dumbledore finally smiled. A hint of the elusive twinkle returned to his eyes.
Thank you, Remus,” he said.
* * *
Dawn was spreading its gentle caress over the Scottish landscape that cradled Hogwarts and its grounds as the school headmaster and his errant Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher made their way down the drive from the school gates, the echo of their apparation bouncing distantly away from glen to glen. Remus adjusted his shabby robes with some relief as he walked, pushing his once more light brown hair back out of his eyes. A couple of minutes to change and a few sturdy scourgify spells on his hair had soon reverted him back to himself. The leather coat had been relegated to a cupboard and Remus had made a solemn vow in the silence of his mind that he would never, no matter what incentive was offered, be donning it again. Enough was enough.
He was uncertain as to exactly how he felt about his promise to Dumbledore “ a part of him, deep inside, was screaming blue murder about sitting back and trusting others to ensure that Kane was brought to justice. But there was a calmness too, a sense of relief. Kane would be caught “ Moody was almost as determined as he was to see to it. The feral brought out a part of him he had struggled all his life to keep buried and subdued, and away from his presence, Remus was sure, the risk of his ever turning feral again would be substantially reduced. And that would be wisest for them all.
This was the best thing. The best.
He was sure of it.
Almost.
After all Moody had failed before. And the life of another child was on the line.
No more kids. On that they did agree. And at least here he could watch out for Harry.
Determinedly he sealed his mind against further negativity. For the best.
The great front doors of Hogwarts swung back at the touch of their headmaster, to reveal the dark and shadowed entrance hall. And, rather surprisingly, an alarmingly agitated Severus Snape.
The Potion Master’s eyes fixed on Remus. His face flared with rage.
“Lupin!” he snarled furiously, storming over. A goblet of potion slopped unceremoniously in his grasp, its contents retained safe in their container only by magical safeguards. “Where have you been?”
Remus blinked in astonishment. “Pardon?”
Snape bristled as he swept to halt in front of his bemused colleague. “Where have you been? I have spent a good part of the afternoon and most of the night combing this castle and its grounds looking for you! I couldn’t find the headmaster to warn him you were missing, apparently because he was rounding you up! I even stooped so low as to ask Peeves! And believe me Lupin, I fully expect you to personally clean up the mess he made of the third floor corridor because of it!”
Snape paused momentarily for breath, his usually pallid features flushed with fury, his eyes glinting with unconcealed dislike, before launching once more into his tirade. “Do you think I have nothing better to do than chase you around? I have important work, Order work, that searching for an irresponsible, idiotic werewolf has delayed! Do you expect me to tail around after you like a lapdog? Are you so arrogant as to believe I am obliged to do this? Or were you perhaps planning to give your pupils a practical demonstration of lycanthropy? Certain favoured amongst their number seem to have a great deal more knowledge on the subject than others.” He drew himself up with a glare of disdain. “It wouldn’t surprise me “ responsibility for your condition has always been something that other people can worry about, hasn’t it Lupin? Your parents, the headmaster, James Potter and now, it seems, me! And now you the nerve to stroll back in, innocent as you please and all you can say is pardon? Here!” Violently, he thrust the goblet of potion into Remus’ unprepared hands. “Drink it! Drink deeply of the milk of human kindness and think about how lucky you are! Though if you’d been more than a few minutes later, you might as well not have bothered at all! Werewolves!”
With a foul sneer, Snape folded his arms and regarded his fellow teacher with steely disdain. Remus could hold his icy glare for only a moment before dropping his gaze to the goblet that had been so unceremoniously forced into his hand. He examined the shifting, smoking liquid for barely an instant before he felt his stomach drop.
Oh no. His Wolfsbane.
It was a week “ less than a week - until full moon. He’d completely forgotten.
“That’s right,” Snape’s sharp reprimand stung like salt against the wound of his guilt. “You were due your first dose yesterday. You ought to know by now how this works, Lupin “ your mother patented the bloody thing after all. But you appear to require reminding of the seven doses you must take over the course of the week before full moon, that they must be spaced out by just over twenty-one hours at the very least to prevent the cumulative concentration of aconite in your system from killing you. And whilst this would be no great loss, I have no wish to be held responsible for your demise.” His dark eyes flared. “And when I foolishly agreed to make this potion “ purely for the safety of those that an unfettered werewolf transformation within a school would endanger “ I assumed you would have the sense this time to be around to take it. One more hour, Lupin, less than one more and you wouldn’t have been able to safely take enough before next Friday’s moonrise. As it is, you’ve cut it ridiculously tight.” He smirked cruelly. “The aconite concentration will be heavier in your system than usual; I suspect you may be in for a rather torrid week. Just don’t vomit or faint in front of the pupils. It sets such a bad example.”
Remus felt a shameful flush rising to his cheeks; Snape’s jibes, for once, were fully deserved. With a sigh and a shake of his wand, he cancelled the wards over the goblet and raised it reluctantly to his lips. The bitter, choking taste of the foul liquid scraped across his taste buds, but the familiar retching sense of sickness it invoked was well earned. How could he have been so reckless, so stupid as to forget he was due to start his Wolfsbane course the day before?
He could feel Dumbledore’s eyes drilling into him as well. He had promised him he would not repeat his old mistake and now, on yet another impulse, he had almost done exactly that. He suspected that the twinkle would be once again absent from his gaze.
A week of feeling even more ill than he had come to expect was a mild penance by comparison.
Head lowered, he handed the empty goblet back to Snape. The Head of Slytherin accepted it with a dismissive smile.
“You really are a fool, Lupin,” he murmured softly. “Enjoy your week.”
And then, with a flourish of robes, Snape turned and swept out up the stairs, muttering sourly under his breath.
Remus stared, wide eyed after the Slytherin for a moment before reticently shifting his gaze to flinch away from the once more disappointed eyes of Albus Dumbledore. He opened his mouth to apologise.
“Remus.” The headmaster cut him off with a wave of his hand. “Go to your quarters and catch up on your sleep. You have classes tomorrow and as Severus said “ you have a difficult week ahead. Get some rest.”
“Yes, headmaster.” Nodding, cowed, like a reprimanded schoolboy lost twenty years into the past, Remus bowed his head and hurried away towards his chambers.
It had not been a good night.
A/N: Thanks must yet again go to my wonderful beta Chriss for her assistance in the Snapifying of the latter half of this chapter as well as her contribution of several of the lines of what became a very juicy rant to write. Thanks again matey! :)
Also - Little Loony, I will certainly take a look at your work but you will have to bear with me as I am currently having to limit my computer time due to an illness :(. I will get to it, I just can't say when. Thank you for all your nice reviews though! :)