Chapter 6: Home is where the heart is
A single ray of sunlight showed through one of the windows, whose shutters hadn’t been fully closed. It shone a thick beam onto the dusty kitchen table and highlighted the spider webs that decorated the corners of the large room.
Harry stumbled out of the fireplace and stood up, breathing in that familiar musky old smell of his godfather’s house now heightened after months of being empty and unused.
When Harry’s mind cleared a little he wondered what he had thought returning to Grimmauld Place would accomplish. He sighed and suddenly felt overcome with tiredness, last night had been spent in the Shrieking Shack and the hospital wing. Slowly he wandered to the table in the middle of the room and sank heavily onto one of the wooden dining chairs. He slumped forwards, leaning on one arm, and stared at the dust particles illuminated by the rogue sunlight leaking through the window until his eyes became unfocused and, once more, clouded by tears.
***
When Harry awoke a couple of hours later he looked around at his surroundings in confusion for a few seconds before realising where he was. He stood up and, with a last quick glance at the empty kitchen where he had sat laughing with his godfather and friends so often before, he disappeared up the stairs to the hallway above.
Tiptoeing through the deserted house, he smiled sadly at his old bedroom, the drawing room where the boggart had been and the other distant memories that filled every storey. Harry felt as though he’d crept into a museum of a past lifetime.
The door to Sirius’ room was shut. Harry stood outside for a few minutes simply looking at it and thinking. Did he dare go in? He took a breath, turned the silver door handle and slipped inside. The room was dark and Harry instinctively moved to open the heavy curtains at the windows. He creaked one open a tiny crack so he could see, but left the others closed- he didn’t feel like letting the garishly bright, winter light invade this sacred place.
So many of Sirius’ things were scattered about the place, just as he had left them. Books, letters, clothes. It seemed no one had wanted to disturb anything in the room, that, or they didn’t want to so easily accept that he was gone.
Harry stood in silence thinking about Sirius and how he had led him into danger and wondered just how long it would be before people would understand just what associating with him meant.
“I must admit I haven’t been in here since,” said a voice from the hallway. Harry spun round; half in shock and half filled with confused excitement. There was a figure silhouetted in the doorway- a tall man, with longish hair. It couldn’t be Sirius… could it? Harry’s heart jolted.
Remus Lupin walked into Sirius’ room and glanced around. His hair had grown, his eyes were tired and he was thin.
“I thought you’d be here,” Remus said breaking the silence. A slight smile formed on his lips and he was obviously pleased to see Harry again, however the sorrow haunting his eyes didn’t go. “Dumbledore contacted me as soon as you left Hogwarts. I thought you’d come home,” explained Remus.
“But…” began Harry, then he broke off. He was going to say that his home was with the Dursleys, but he hadn’t called Privet Drive his home for 5 years now. Hogwarts was his real home. Then again, Hogwarts was just a school and Harry had become increasingly aware recently that his time there was approaching an end.
Suddenly a memory came back to Harry. It was his third year of Hogwarts when he had first met his godfather in the Shrieking Shack and he’d offered for Harry to come and live with him.
Harry looked around the dark bedroom and Remus, seeming to read his mind, put his hand on Harry’s shoulder, breaking his thoughts. “You know what they say, ‘Home is where the heart is.’”
As Harry looked up into Remus’ honest face, he smiled appreciatively.
“Harry,” Remus said quietly, moving his other hand and gripping him lightly by both shoulders in what Harry imagined was a fatherly gesture, “why did you leave Hogwarts? It’s not safe to run off like that.”
“Not safe? I was putting my friends in danger!” he replied, anger suddenly evident in his voice. The anger wasn’t directed at Remus, but at himself, for letting this happen to the people he loved most.
“You can’t just run off whenever you feel like it, whenever things get too much,” Remus answered trying to look him in the eye, but Harry kept avoiding his gaze.
"I can’t stay there, it’s too dangerous,” he whispered brokenly. “I can’t do this. It’s my fault Ginny is…” he stopped suddenly realising he didn’t know if Ginny had recovered, if she was still alive even!
“Harry, it’s not your fault!” Remus insisted turning Harry’s chin towards him. “You didn’t ask for any of this, and you know that even if you push her away she will still stand by you; that's Ginny.”
These simple words triggered off something in Remus’ memory. Those words, he had said them before he thought, and then he remembered when…
James and Lily had been ordered to take over the post of Benedict’s Turret. It had been Sirius and his girlfriend’s area to patrol but one night in December they were attacked and Sirius’ girlfriend was killed.
Michelle was different to the other girls. Sirius had never been short of a date come Friday night, Remus thought with a small smile, but no one special. However, Michelle was different.
Sirius had seemed genuinely in love, all he talked about was Michelle and they had grown very close while working together for the Order. But then, one night, Death Eaters swarmed their post and she was killed. After that Sirius changed. He had been there, but he couldn’t save her.
They were at war, there were always casualties, but now the casualties were no longer just faceless names of unfortunate wizards and witches. People were dying all around them, people who meant everything in the world to someone, just one person was enough. Michelle was the latest unfortunate fighter. Sirius had been there when it happened, but he couldn’t have defended her against that many Death Eaters, yet somehow this still didn’t seem to make sense to him.
Now James was terrified; in all honesty, he had been since the word go. He had never wanted Lily to join the Order. Not that he didn’t think it was a good cause, he did, so much so he was willing to put his life on the line for it, but not Lily’s, that was different.
They’d had the argument many a time: James wanted to keep her safe and Lily wanted to fight. Eventually James relented, mostly because he knew there was nothing he could do to stop her, but partly because he knew how strong she was and he knew what it felt like to want to defend the people you love and fight for what you believe in. That was what kept him going, what gave him reason to believe that the war they were fighting was worthwhile, eventually things would be the way they should be.
Nevertheless the thought of having Lily on the front line in a high-targeted place left James scared, uneasy and very unsure. He had always counted on being able to look after Lily. James was well aware that if Lily knew how he felt, especially about her needing protection, she would be furious, which is why he wisely didn’t tell her, but that didn’t mean he never spoke of it - just not to her.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“I mean really Remus,” James moaned, “Benedict’s Turret! Lily would never have wanted to join the Order if we hadn’t said so much about it and I am sure I could have convinced Dumbledore not to ask her, I mean it wouldn’t have been easy but well…Benedict’s Turret? They couldn’t have picked anywhere more dangerous! And what are we going to do about Sirius? He hasn’t come out of his flat in five days!”
James was sat on the couch in his and Lily’s living room, luckily she was at a friends house and didn’t here this little speech, if she had she would have been livid.
“Calm down James,” Remus said quietly.
“I know,” James muttered, “it’s just… I mean… it’s not…” he sighed not knowing what to say.
Luckily Remus did and came to his friend’s aid, “James, it’s perfectly natural that you want to keep Lily safe, but you are just going to have to accept that Lily is a strong witch in her own right and perfectly capable of looking out for her self and-“ Remus held up his hand to silence James as he saw him open his mouth in indignation, “I know that you wouldn’t know what to do if you lost her and I know the war is taking lives daily, that is just one of the sad facts of war, something we are going to have to accept and move on. It’s fine to want to protect Lily but don’t suffocate her or you’ll just end pushing her away.”
“If she gets hurt at Benedict’s Turret it’ll be my fault. I will never forgive myself,” James muttered.
“It’s not your fault, you never asked for this, but you’re going to stand up and fight like you know is the right thing to do, and Lily will too, regardless of whether or not you are. Even if you try to stop her she will stand by you, that’s Lily.”
James said nothing but knew his friend was right.
Remus sighed, ”As for Sirius, well I’m not sure anyone knows what to do right now…”
People seemed to think he knew the right answer for every problem, but it just wasn’t that simple.
“If you want to know how to comfort Sirius,” he added as an after thought, “you just need to think about how you would feel if Lily died, then I think you will understand what he is going through.”
Remus finished and took a deep breath, his throat sore from talking, but he was satisfied to see a pensive, thoughtful look on James’ face. Maybe he could come up with a way to get through to Sirius after all.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
All this time that Remus had been lost in his memory, Harry had sat in silence. Now Remus looked at Harry and sighed, “You’re a lot like your father, you know. He was so scared that he was leading Lily into danger.”
“Well, it didn’t exactly turn into a happy ending for them, did it?” Harry said scornfully, glaring at the floor.
Remus stood up, shocked, and stared at his best friend’s son.
“Actually, it was because of me they were murdered, wasn’t it?” asked Harry meeting Remus’ eyes. “Same with Sirius, and now… and now Ginny!” His hard eyes were rapidly filling with tears but he kept them locked on Remus’ tired grey ones.
With a sigh Remus sat down on the bed again. “This is a war, Harry. Sirius died in battle, defending the people he loved, it’s what he would have wanted.”
Remus stared at the small gap in the curtains, the only source of light, and continued quietly. “Sirius died a soldier fighting against Voldemort, like James, like Lily, like Michelle. Maybe we were all fated to fight and die for the same cause.
When the people you love are dead, grief and revenge can cloud your judgement; you forget what there is to live for. One thing I have learnt from all of this though: life is short, you have to enjoy it, because a life riddled with regrets is pointless.”
He looked back at Harry and took him gently by the shoulders again. Remus did it because he wanted to show Harry support, but subconsciously he also did it because he needed supporting. ”I know you have the weight of the Wizarding World on your shoulders, but you can do nothing but fulfil your destiny. Then you can do all the things you’ve always wanted to do, you have a long life ahead of you. It won’t always be easy, but as long as you can control it make it happy, no regrets.”
Harry softened and collapsed in Remus’ hold, he lifted one hand to cover his eyes. “I… I don’t know what to do,” he whispered. “I don’t know how to fight.”
“Neither did we, we just followed what we believed. Right now, I think the best thing to do would be to go back to Hogwarts.”
Harry nodded.
***
The train from London to Hogsmeade was fairly empty as it was Christmas day. Harry and Remus had a compartment to themselves, it wasn’t as grand as the Hogwarts Express, the seats were worn and the window Harry was staring out of was grubby. At about 6.30 a plump witch with green tinsel in her hair opened the compartment door whistling merrily.
“Anything to eat, dears? I’ve got gingerbread reindeers, angel cakes…”
The list went on but Harry didn’t want to listen to that cheery Christmas voice, although he couldn’t deny he was starving. Remus bought a few pumpkin pasties, angel cakes and bottles of butterbeer and when the lady left he handed some to Harry.
“Thanks,” he mumbled and pulled out his moneybag that was in his pocket from Hogsmeade.
“You dropped this,” said Remus handing him something that had fallen out of his pocket. “Wait, where did you get this?”
Harry looked up and saw Remus was holding the glistening ring. He turned it over in his fingers and stared in disbelief.
“I found it last night in the Shrieking Shack,” he reached into his pocket and his fingers found the photograph, “this too.”
A smile for past times grew on Remus’ face as he stared at the moving photograph. He watched the story through twice and wiped his eyes before he spoke.
“I took this,” Remus said, still staring at the precious photograph in his hands. “I took this photo as James proposed to your mother. It was the most beautiful day of the year, two days before we left Hogwarts. I… I can’t believe you found it.” He wiped his eyes again, but continued smiling.
“We all had one, James and Lily, Sirius and me. I’d guess this is mine. I took it with me to Hogwarts and I thought I’d lost it. I must have dropped it during my transformation.”
Remus now looked back at the ring and traced the inscription as he talked to Harry. “Obviously the ring isn’t mine,” he said. “I don’t know why it was in the Shrieking Shack.”
He stopped and thought for a while before reaching a conclusion, “Sirius. Sirius told me he had taken it. He went to Godric’s Hollow the night he escaped from Azkaban and found their wedding ring just lying on the window sill so he took it. He wanted to keep it safe and then, one day, give it to you.
Your parents would have wanted him to have it. He was their best man after all and a ring like this, engraved with love, should never be lost.”
He placed the silver ring into Harry’s open hand who immediately clasped it tightly and Remus smiled.
For the next few minutes the two ate in silence, however after a while Harry stopped. His half-eaten fairy cake flapped it’s one remaining cake wing and took off from his loosened grip, fluttering in a hopeless circle. Instinctively, Harry reached out and grabbed it, but his mind was focused elsewhere.
”What’s Pereda Venenum?” he asked quietly.
Remus swallowed the last of his pumpkin pasty and ran his fingers through his greying hair. “I was wondering when you’d ask about that.”
He leant back on the old, comfortable seat and began to explain, “I have heard from Professor Dumbledore that last night Ginny Weasley was abducted by Lord Voldemort while you two were in the Shrieking Shack.”
Harry nodded and Remus continued. “She was transported to Benedict’s Turret- an abandoned watchtower from centuries past- about fifty miles away, and there, Dumbledore tells me, Bellatrix Lestrange was waiting to assist Voldemort.”
At the mention of Bellatrix’s name Harry shuddered with disgust and hatred, but he remained silent and let Remus carry on.
“The spell Pereda Venenum is extremely powerful, but I doubt anyone has even attempted to perform it in a hundred years, it’s not something you’d learn at Hogwarts.
This spell uses love to kill and it has very rarely worked, either because the bond is not strong enough or the person performing it does not dare to sacrifice their own life. There are times, however, when a lover is under control of someone more powerful and therefore forced to do the spell. This is what happened to Ginny last night.
“I don’t understand,” Harry said frowning. "How can love kill people?”
“I will explain what happens in the spell and hopefully it will make more sense.” Remus said running his fingers through his hair once more. “A fire is prepared with floo powder and the person wishing to kill their lover stands over the flames and the person has to show that they are willing to give their own life to take their lovers by slitting their wrists. This person is sacrificing them self to kill the person that they are so strongly joined to. When the blood touches the flames, a serpent is created which uses the floo powder to get to the victim, wherever they are, and deliver their poison.
When Dumbledore went through the fire to Benedict’s Turret last night he must have destroyed the serpent, when he saw the empty fire he thought that the spell had only just begun. This is the reason he left once he was sure that you were safe. He didn’t know that Ginny had slit her wrists yet so he thought she was just in shock.”
“Who would kill someone they loved?” Harry said.
“Love is a powerful thing, it changes people, sometimes that’s good and sometimes it isn’t. A broken heart can be painful enough to lead to hatred and a want of revenge. It sounds unusual for someone to go that far, and it is, which is why the spell is rarely ever used.”
“Well, why would Voldemort go through all that ritual to kill me when he’d been in the same room as me just minutes before?” asked Harry with his head in one hand. “He could have just killed me then. Why did he have to involve Ginny?”
“I don’t know if I’m the right person to tell you this, but I’ll try and explain it as best I can. Do you remember telling me what you heard when you faced Dementors?”
Harry nodded and shuddered as a vivid memory returned to him.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Someone was screaming, screaming inside his head… a woman… his mother…
“Not Harry, not Harry, please not Harry!”
“Stand aside, you silly girl… stand aside, now…”
“Not Harry, please no, take me, kill me instead-“
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“You’re mother didn’t have to die. Voldemort didn’t want her, but she stood in the way to shield her child. She died willingly. I am sure you know about the love from your mother’s sacrifice that lives inside you, always protecting you. It was the one thing that Voldemort couldn’t understand and he couldn’t touch you because of this protection. However, a year and a half ago he found a way to create a body of his own and he used your blood to give him that body. Your blood ran in his veins and so he was able to touch you. He had overcome the problem of your mother’s protection, or so he thought.”
Remus stopped and smiled at Harry. “A sacrifice so powerful cannot be destroyed, your mother’s shield will always guard you and although Voldemort has your blood inside him, Lily’s love will not protect him, because it was you she died to save and you the shield protects. And so, Voldemort realised that the killing curse he used on you so many years ago would still fail to take effect. You may be injured, yes, because the shield has been weakened, but you certainly would not be killed. Therefore, there would be no use in springing Avada Kedavra on you, as you would inevitably survive again.”
“So, he can’t kill me?” asked Harry, thinking about the prophecy and doubting Remus’ explanation.
“There are other ways, I’m afraid; Pereda Venenum for example. This spell uses love for it’s power- Ginny’s love. Your mother’s sacrifice created a protective shield, amazingly strong.” Remus paused trying to think of a way to explain something so complicated. ”Think of your mother’s sacrifice as a shield and each person’s power as a sword. Voldemort’s sword couldn’t penetrate this shield of love around you. It was Lily’s love that saved you and it would have to be love taking your life away. The power of Pereda Venenum is derived from Ginny’s love for you, as it is as strong as your mother’s, Ginny’s sword, or power, can penetrate it. By controlling the person performing Pereda Venenum Voldemort would have direct access to you. When Ginny was under his control she sacrificed herself to kill you, thus penetrating the shield of protection.”
For a few minutes there was thoughtful silence again, but Harry had to ask Remus one more question, “Why Ginny?”
Remus smiled. “So like James, too blind to see love shining right into his eyes,” he said shaking his head. “You love her, Harry, and she obviously feels as strongly in return.”
Harry’s cheeks turned as dark as Ginny’s hair and Remus laughed, “What is it with Potters and redheads?”