Chapter 12: It's Been Her All Along
Finally, Petunia reached the campsite where she was staying with the Marauders. To her surprise a small fire was going. However, only two figures sat by it. One was James and the other was... Petunia's heart felt as if it had dropped past her knees and down to her toes. It couldn't be, could it? James had gotten over Lily, right? He loved her, Petunia, now.
The voices floated over, and Petunia sat, still unnoticed, in the shadows, listening.
“I… James, I feel like I’m betraying Petunia by saying this, but I guess she hates me anyway… God, I know it’s awful to be doing this, but it feels so right…”
"But I thought, I mean... well, I thought you hated me," James exclaimed.
"I thought so too. But I was wrong. I'm so sorry that I hurt you all those years, James. When you started dating Petunia, you became more mature. You haven’t hexed Snape for ages. But really, I guess it just took the... admittedly, the jealousy, that you were dating someone else, dating my sister, for me to see how much I actually didn't hate you. And, James, I understand if you can’t be with me. I know you love me, but if you don’t want to hurt Petunia like that, then honestly, I will only respect you more," Lily replied, sounding on the verge of tears. Petunia was sure she was faking it. Since when had Lily cared about her?
“I… Lily… I wish I could do that. I can’t believe I’m telling you this, but I wish I could just say I don’t care for you. But I can’t lie. I don’t know what Petunia and I had, but with you, I know I can have so much more.”
“James. I… I don’t know what I can do, except hope she forgives us both.”
And with that, the two had somehow found each other’s arms, and James was holding Lily in a way he had never even held Petunia.
Petunia sat, immobilized, watching, horrified. Lily's small body was mashed into James's in an intrusive way, Petunia thought. Why didn't James move away? Tell Lily he didn't love her; tell Lily that it was Petunia he cared for. Petunia watched, a sick fascination building within her. Lily's green eyes, James's green shirt, the green leaves on the ground all seemed to have melted into one being as Lily and James sat entwined with each other.
James didn't move. He stayed where he was, as Lily made to give him a tender kiss. James made a tiny protest, which turned into a small moan.
This was too much. Petunia jumped out of her hiding place, Peter momentarily forgotten. The tears were streaming freely down her cheeks and she wasn't even trying to stem the flow of salty water.
James jumped at the sight of Petunia, covered in dirt and twigs from crawling around, and with a tear-stained face.
"'Tunia, I..." he began, pushing away from Lily.
Petunia just stood there, crying silently, occasional sobs shaking her whole body.
This was the boy she had loved since she was eleven years old. The boy she was willing to sacrifice her life for, the boy she had lived for.
And there he sat, wrapped in the arms of her beautiful sister, who had shunned his love when Petunia had embraced it.
At long last, Petunia's voice returned.
"No!" she yelled, as if yelling could change what she had seen.
She didn't care that Sirius and Remus were crawling out to see what the commotion was about, didn't care that she was causing a scene. It wasn't her fault. It was James's. No. Lily's. She felt like spitting on the ground in anger.
"Petunia, I can explain, it's just, I..." James stuttered, embarrassed.
Lily too was staring intently at the ground in embarrassment, and, if Petunia had been looking, she might have also seen the small tear of sadness and apology in her eyes. Lily knew that she had sacrificed her sister for James. But Petunia did not have time to watch Lily.
She cut James off with a hysterical scream.
"I thought you loved me! I thought you cared about my feelings and about me! I always loved you, I always cared. You lied to me, James Potter. You were using me, weren't you? I don't know why I didn't see through your lies. But then, I thought you loved me! I thought I could trust you. I see now that I thought wrong!" Petunia was rambling on, crying and screaming, her voice becoming increasingly high-pitched, "You just wanted Lily from the start. I was just a tool in the plan. How could I have been so blind? Lily and James, the perfect couple. Head Girl and Boy, best of their years, 12 O.W.L.s! But I believed your lies, James. I believed you!"
James was obviously very uncomfortable, yet this, he felt this was going too far.
"Look, 'Tunia, I wasn't using you. This was the first time that Lily... that Lily and I... that..."
Petunia gave a dry hiccup.
"I thought I loved you, too. I thought I got over Lily. And, 'Tunia, I do love you. I really do! I just love Lily, too. I... I... I love you both, but differently, I mean, 'Tunia…”
Petunia cut him off once more, furious.
"You mean that you love her more!" she shouted, enraged.
"No! No, that's not what I mean to say. I mean to say that... 'Tunia, I love you. I love you more than I could say. I would give my life for you in a second. But... 'Tunia, I love you the way I love Sirius and Remus and Peter,” James gesticulated towards his other friends, not even noticing that the last one was missing, "like mates. Best friends. But, 'Tunia, not like a lover. I don't love you or anyone else in that way."
Sirius gave a nervous little giggle, but finding nobody sharing in his little joke stopped laughing abruptly.
James continued.
"No one besides Lily. I'm so sorry, 'Tunia. I swear, I wasn't using you, this wasn't planned. I thought I loved you like that. But when Lily kissed me, just now. I felt... I felt...” he looked around in search of the right word.
"You felt like you were in heaven. The one you loved was kissing you for the first time. Lights were going off in your head like fireworks, your stomach was churning, but you never wanted it to stop. You felt like you were floating on clouds. And then, when it was over, you felt as though a part of you was missing. An important part. Something you couldn't live without,” Petunia supplied, dully, "Yeah. That's the way I felt the first time I kissed you. I thought you were feeling it, too, but I guess I was wrong. You were saving that wonderful feeling for Lily. Why did you toy with me, James? Why did you play with my feelings, pretend to love me when you didn't?"
"'Tunia, I swear. I didn't realize it myself. I thought I had gotten over Lily. I'm sorry, 'Tunia, I really am, but I can't help my feelings."
"And it's Petunia," she hissed as though she hadn’t heard his last sentence.
"I'm sorry. I do love you. Just not the way I love Lily."
Petunia had summoned her broomstick, and was swinging herself onto it, ready to take off. She didn’t know where she was going to go, just as long as it was far, far away.
James hadn't noticed and was continuing, "I'm so sorry. But you said it yourself, what is love but an uncontrollable feeling? I love you, Petunia. And I thought I was in love with you. But, I guess,” he stopped, not registering that Petunia had left, then continued, in no more than a whisper, “it's been Lily all along."