Chapter 15: All Alone
The train-ride to Hogwarts passed uneventfully. Petunia sat in her own compartment, with no one else, just brooding over Luisa and feeling sad and sorry for herself. No friends. All alone. Of course, this was how most of the first four years of Hogwarts had gone by, but now she knew what she was missing. And Petunia was so worried about Luisa.
For one fleeting moment, she was sure she saw James, Remus, Peter and Sirius heading towards her compartment, and was hopeful. Perhaps James would tell her he had made a mistake he didn't want Lily. Of course he loved her, Petunia.
Or, better yet, he would tell her that it had all been a scheme to get back at Lily for breaking his heart so long ago. Now he was breaking hers.
But James would have told Petunia if he was planning something like that. And besides, Petunia was sure James would never do anything that Slytherin. After all, he was James. Her perfect, noble, honorable James.
No. Not hers. Lily's. Only Lily's. It was so unfair. Lily had everything, always had, and always would.
She was beautiful, she was popular, and she was perfect. Always the apple of her parents' eyes, Lily now had James, too. When they had been younger, their parents had always wanted to show Lily off when company was there.
"Look at her," they would say, "seven years old, and already so clever.”
And the guests would nod, enthralled, then walk up to Lily and start talking about something, always thrilled with her cute, childish, perfect answers.
Petunia would always sit in a corner, waiting for the guests to come talk to Petunia, too. But they never came to speak with the brooding girl, scowling to keep the tears from coming, wondering why they couldn't both have been pretty.
Sometimes, afterwards, her mother would even scold her for not being sociable.
And Lily would stick out her tongue, while Petunia climbed the stairs to her room to cry on her bed.
Lily always got better things, got what she wanted, Petunia never did. Always it was Lily this and Lily that. Their parents had always been oh so proud of their brilliant little girl, thrilled when her Hogwarts letter had come, though they hadn't understood it, really. When Petunia had gotten the letter a year later, they hadn't been as enthralled; after all, Lily had already been there and done that. Lily had always gotten everything Petunia wanted. And now Lily had gotten James, too.
Petunia had thought she had found love, thought James was hers forever. But of course ugly little Petunia didn't get the man. Lily did. Just like everything else.
It wasn't really the world's fault that it loved Lily. After all, Lily was beautiful and charming, she was clever and witty, she was calm but passionate. Who would pick little no-body Petunia over her? She had thought James would. Petunia had honestly thought James loved her for who she was. Thought he wasn't blinded by Lily, thought he saw through her. But she was wrong, she was so wrong.
Petunia gave a dry little laugh. At least her parents loved her, too, even if they had never been as proud of her or as thrilled with her accomplishments. They had tried not to be so obvious when doting on Lily. James couldn't do that. He couldn't split his love between them. He said he loved her like a sister. But Petunia didn't want to be his sister. She wanted to be her own sister. Petunia hated to admit it, but she wished more than anything else that she was Lily, and Lily was she. Then she'd know what it was like, being popular, having everyone love her. Having more than just one friend, as Petunia had.
With that thought, Petunia was reminded painfully of what state her one friend, Luisa, was in. When they reached the school, Petunia would have to ask Professor McGonagall how Luisa was doing.
Thinking this, Petunia fell into a much needed, yet very troubled and light sleep.
She dreamed that she lay in the street, dirty, starving, thirsty and alone. Then James came by, he was carrying something that Petunia needed to regain her strength. As he reached her, she cried out and James knelt down. Then a voice, reminding her of the sirens that lured sailors to their deaths from the old Muggle stories her father had told, called from the other side of the street.
"James. James. Heeeere I am. Cooome to meeee!"
It was Lily's voice. James stood abruptly.
"Good-bye, my sister," he whispered, saluting Petunia even as she reached out to kiss him farewell.
Then he ran towards Lily's intoxicating voice.
"I'm coming to you, my love! I'm coming.”
And suddenly, everyone was with James. Petunia's parents, Sirius, Remus, strict-looking Professor McGonagall, good-natured Hagrid, everyone. The whole world. They all fell to their knees in front of Lily, and she looked down upon them.
Each and every one of them held that thing that Petunia needed, though she knew not what it was. But she craved it, she could almost feel a physical need for whatever it was that everyone had to give. Something about her was inadequate though, as if all of those people had chosen she wasn't worthy of whatever it was they possessed. The crowd offered the objects to Lily; she took them and smiled like a film star.
Unable to watch any longer, Petunia painfully turned to her right. Next to her on the street was a corpse. Unsure, she reached out, flipped it over with ridiculous ease, and saw the face.
"Luisa!"
Petunia awoke, bathed in sweat and shivering. Her dream had seemed so real! Looking around for what had woken her, Petunia saw that everyone was leaving their seats. They had arrived at Hogwarts.
The months dragged on, and nothing happened. Petunia's schoolwork became sloppier and sloppier, until she was falling behind drastically. For Petunia, always a perfectionist and a hard-working Hufflepuff, this slacking off was noticed by everyone. It was mostly due to lack of sleep and stress. Every week, worse and worse news came about Luisa, who had long since been put into a magically induced coma.
Every night she had nightmares similar to the one on the Hogwarts Express.
And, to top it off, every day, she saw Lily and James, holding hands, kissing by the lake or simply doing homework or hanging out with friends together. It was slowly becoming too much to bear.
Lily had always been the favorite, and this was the last straw. Petunia was near giving up.
If only she had had friends by her side to help her through. If only she had had Luisa. But Luisa was not at school, and one rainy day, Professor McGonagall pulled her aside with bad news. The healers said that Luisa would not live much longer. She informed Petunia also that Xeno (who had graduated last year) and Mrs. Frank were not leaving her side, but Petunia was not comforted. She, Petunia, needed to be there with her too!
In fact, the only thing that had been keeping Petunia sane the last few months was trying to find a cure. She had looked up all the symptoms and was desperately attempting to find out what Luisa had and what she, Petunia, could do for her friend. Potion after potion malfunctioned, spell after spell was rejected by the healers when Petunia suggested them while visiting Luisa on the weekends. Petunia could find no magic to help Luisa. Hogwarts was letting her down. The world she had come to adore was proving to be so much less than the shimmering lights and glittering spellwork had promised her.
A month or so later, though, Petunia received even worse news.
Once again rain was hammering down on the castle, and Petunia sat in the library at her usual spot. She was almost hoping that that Snape kid would come and take her life. Or better yet, she could help him plot against Lily and James. After all, through her sorrow, Petunia had still noticed that he seemed upset at the couple, too. Madder than usual, in fact.
These thoughts were all thought in a half-sleep, as Petunia dozed, wishing more than anything else that Luisa was not ill and that James loved her.
Just then, Professor McGonagall walked up to Petunia.
"Miss Evans, please follow me. It's urgent!"
Wondering what was wrong now, Petunia followed her professor. Watching Professor McGonagall, Petunia decided that she was not in trouble. Her professor did not look mad. She looked pitying and upset. Was something wrong with Luisa? Was she... dead? As quickly as it had come, Petunia banished the thought. No. It couldn't be. Life couldn't be that cruel. But life had been harsh on her before, hadn't it? Hadn't she had James and been happy only to lose him? As they walked along the corridors that had been home to Petunia for so many years, anxiety built up inside of her.
Finally the two reached a pair of Stone Gargoyles.
"Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans," Professor McGonagall muttered, and the gargoyles sprung to life.
Petunia jumped, startled, as they moved to reveal a revolving stone staircase, going up and up and up.
Petunia stared, entranced, finding the ever-moving stairs strangely calming. But her short peace was broken as Professor McGonagall walked onto the steps, motioning for Petunia to do the same.
Up they went, until, finally, they arrived at a door. A very impressive door, beautifully crafted and made from a dark redwood.
Professor McGonagall raised her bony hand and knocked.
The headmaster opened the door.
Dumbledore looked them over, and without so much as a greeting, he stated bluntly:
"Please come in, I will explain everything, Miss Evans. I’m afraid your I have terrible news."