Chapter 20: Hidden Pain
“You have to find out soon," Petunia reminded Sirius gently.
"I know, I know. But it's not that easy, you know. I have to get him alone before I can get him to talk."
"Break is in two weeks. Good luck, Sirius."
Petunia walked away, leaving Sirius alone with his thoughts. She understood that this had to be very hard for him, but they were relying on knowing when to attack.
And break was getting close.
Thank goodness they had chosen Christmas break, for everyone was already looking forward to the holidays so much that no one noticed how jumpy and nervous Petunia, Lily and the Marauders were.
The fact that they were studying so much went unnoticed as well. Lily and the Marauders had exams later that year, and Petunia studied a lot anyway. And all of the Marauders, with the exception of Peter, and been the tops in their classes before, as well. As had Lily, of course.
Petunia headed towards the library once more. It was lunch break, but she wasn't hungry at all.
Lately, Petunia had taken to spending all the free time she had poring over all the books the Restricted Section of the library had to offer on the Unforgivable Curses.
She did, of course, realize that, like James told her every day, they were not something that could be learned by heart. But still, it was worth a try. Though the library had, of course, let her down the last time, when she had been searching for a cure for Luisa. But Luisa's condition had been forced to the back of her mind by her rage at Voldemort.
Besides, studying in the library it was an excuse to spend more time with the Marauders, and especially James.
For though he claimed that books were for nerds, he could be seen with his nose in a book much more lately. His way of showing nerves, Petunia decided. Thankfully there were no Quidditch matches concerning Gryffindor coming up soon, Petunia was sure that would have complicated matters to no end. Petunia didn't understand how James could still care about points and Quidditch, but somehow, inexplicably, he did.
Many heads had turned to see James' old, plain girlfriend, the sister of his new, beautiful one, spending so much time with him. But neither James nor Lily nor Petunia had time to worry about such trivial matters as gossip.
Petunia looked up, only to see Sirius entering the library looking even glummer than he had when she had left him standing in the hall.
Taking pity on his plight, Petunia walked over to him.
"Come and sit with me. I don't really get this one spell."
It wasn't true, there wasn't anything Petunia was reading or studying that wasn't crystal clear to her, but Sirius definitely needed someone to talk to right now.
Sirius followed her and sat, but it didn't seem like he was going to say anything.
"Look, Sirius, I understand how you feel.” At his incredulous look, Petunia smirked slightly.
"I mean, you probably won't get this, 'cause you like Lily so much," Petunia managed to keep most of the bitterness out of her voice, "and I'm not claiming that she's a Death Eater or anything, either. I'm just saying that I know how it feels to be the 'other' kid. My parents doted on Lily, and though they probably treated me better than you were treated, I was always the second choice. Always compared to Lily. And always found to be less than her."
"Yeah, I guess. But your family were Muggles, Petunia. They had nothing to do with the Dark Arts. And you think your situation is similar to mine, which I suppose it is in some ways. Or was..." his voice drifted off thoughtfully.
Petunia was pleased to hear a bit less pain in his voice. However, he knew nothing about her parents. Nothing to do with the Dark Arts indeed. She didn't correct him, though. Talking about it again, explaining the terrible betrayal would only break her further.
She was barely hiding her pain by numbing herself with preparations for her revenge. And to have all that pain wash to the surface and weaken her when she was managing to stay so strong was the last thing she needed.
"Thanks, Petunia. I know I can't just sit around wallowing in self-pity. I was never one for sitting around doing nothing. And especially not when the people I care about need me to act. I will find it out; I will talk to my brother. Because I can live with the pain, when I have people around me to make sure it doesn't get out of hand."
He grinned at Petunia, and got up, perhaps to go find Regulus right away. Grudgingly, Petunia admitted, though only to herself, that he had a point.
He had been talking about himself, but Petunia knew he wanted her to live by his advice as well. And she should. After all, he was right. It was better to feel the pain, and have it subdued by friends, than to pretend it wasn't there. Because she couldn't hide it forever. She knew that.
Thinking this, Petunia bent further over her book. Right now, she was going to have to ignore the throbbing pain. Because right now she needed to concentrate on learning enough to keep herself and her friends safe. To avenge her parents. And to numb her pain.