The forest was dark and cold. Hermione shivered, goose bumps decorating her bare skin. Why does he always like to go ‘hunting’ at night? I’m so cold! A sudden rustle in the bushes sent Hermione stumbling backwards... damn Harry, damned his stupid scarring childhood, damned stupid.... WAH, ROCK!
Hermione tripped and splashed into a freezing forest pond only to sit and glare angrily at the moss covered rock that had been her downfall. STUPID rock! Another rustle of the bushes revealed a smirking and very...err...amorous boy-who-lived.
"Very good Hermione! You needed a bath before our play!" Harry smiled, taking a step forward. Reaching down he pulled the now breathless Hermione from the pool and prepared to make her day.
It took Harry a moment to realize Hermione wasn’t responding to the ‘Potter charm’. Looking down curiously at her, he saw that she was gazing with rapt awe at his *censored due to fanfiction.mugglenet.com regulations*. Harry smirked. Well, it was only natural. Any woman would be in awe of his....wait a minute, what the hell?! His *censored due to new fanfiction.mugglenet.com regulations*?! Slowly, Harry turned his eyes downward.
Indeed, a rectangular black box inked out a very pertinent portion of his anatomy. A very LARGE rectangular black box.
"Uhh, Harry? What is that?" Hermione whispered hesitantly.
Harry shot her a panicked glare. "Shut up! Maybe it'll go away!"
"I knew it!" Hermione hunched up, covering the black boxes which had mysteriously appeared over her own upper and lower anatomy. "Harry! You've been cheating on me! That's some kind of... wizard STD or something!"
"Actually, it's not." Severs Snape walked out from behind a tree, a bored expression on his face, to confront the now decent lovers. "You see, it’s an important rule on fanfiction.mugglenet.com. No bad fanfics with lots of explicit sex. That means that your pointless little scene has been censored. Sorry folks! Show’s canceled!" he said with a sheepish wave to the cluster of readers who had been gaping the moment he’d moved out from behind that tree.
"It's not pointless you!" Hermione yelled, picking up a rock to throw at the Potions Master.
"At least I %$&@ Hermione and not my arch rival!" Harry shouted....wait..."Wait a $#&%ing second! I didn't say %$&@ I said %$&@! ARRRGGGHHH!"
"I did NOT %$&@ your father! That's DISGUSTING Potter!" Snape growled, joining the fray.
"Ooooh yes you do!" Hermione exclaimed, black boxes jiggling as she gestured vehemently. "You %$#@ James more than his wife does!"
"Why you-" Here, a large black box fuzzed in over Snape’s head, so great was the stream of filth pouring from the Potions Master’s mouth. Harry lost some of his anger as the box grew more defined, filling in and darkening, finally fading only as Snape used up the breath in his lungs. Harry couldn't help but feel a spark of respect for the man. Anyone who required a black box to cover mere words was one hell of a speaker.
"So...what are we going to do now?" Hermione sat limply, looking a bit sad and lost. "If Harry and I can't *%^$ what more do we have?"
Harry bit his lip and repressed a sigh. Hermione had a point.
“Hold your tongue you know-it-all," Snape growled, sitting down. "Why do you two think this is such a bad thing? Don't you realize how many explicit fan fics out there are completely pointless and damaging to fragile young minds?"
Harry glared at Snape. "What the hec are you talking about, Professor?! Every single “you-know-what” fic I've ever read was enticing and tastefully done!"
A shriek of laughter came from the forest as four nude teenagers bounded out. Hermione thought she saw a flash of something, but fluffy white clouds quickly appeared to cover the offending portions of anatomy.
"Ron, wait Ron! I love you!" Neville yelped, jumping and dipping so his little cloud had to work and work hard to keep up.
"Leave me alone Neville!" Ron's cloud was almost teary at having to conceal such wonder. "After &$%^ing every girl in Hogwarts, I finally decided on my True Love! I'm sorry, Neville, but Ginny's the one for me. Just leave me alone!"
Hermione’s eyes narrowed in disgust. "Ron, what on Earth do you think you're doing?!" The little parade came to a halt, Ginny glaring at her brother, one hand innocently concealed in Neville’s cloud. "Ginny is your sister! What are you thinking?!"
Ron shook his head, under the influence of some random love spell, or hypnotism, or...something. "Sorry, I can't help it! Look at her! She's...HOT!"
Neville yelped and pulled his cloud back as the smirking Ginny tried to remove it, "Ginny, don't DO that! I love Ron!"
The fourteen year old Ginny smiled mysteriously. "Oh yes, Neville. You WILL be mine."
Harry stared at the teens, slightly dazed. "What the hell is going on here?! Neville’s in love with Ron who's in love with Ginny who's in love with Neville?!" Hermione looked at the blonde-haired girl who stood near the edge of the proceeding. "What about you, Luna? How are you involved in this?"
Luna smirked and spoke before thinking, "Oh, I'm just here to tell Harry that I'm pregnant....oops."
Harry’s jaw separated and, with an unaccustomed stutter, he protested, "What the hell does that have to do with me?!"
Tears filled the teenage Luna eyes. “You’re the father!"
Harry, having a very natural reaction to being accused of impregnating a fellow school mate, promptly fainted.
A crash echoed through the forest, and a raging hulk of a father figure descended on the happy little party. "Luna?! Luna, where are you?! Harry! How dare you do this to my cousin’s first niece’s sister, twice removed!" Remus yelled at the unconscious Harry, throwing his coat over the nude Luna's shoulders, causing the little clouds to scoot away to find new victims.
"Oh, give it a rest, Professor!" Hermione growled, stepping protectively in front of her Harry. "If Luna’s pregnant, it's probably yours! Everyone knows you chase all of those girls at Hogwarts. Ha...and your mother was so PROUD when you became a teacher!"
Lupin's mouth gaped open, "W-what?! Hermione, I’m surprised! How could you say that! You know I wouldn't do something like that!"
"Remus, how wonderful that you're out of jail!" commented Rita Skeeter, walking onto the scene. "I guess those charges just didn't hold up in court. How do you feel about that?"
"It's not true!" Lupin wailed. "I was framed, and THIS jury will find me innocent. I may look, but I don't touch," Lupin finished with mournful eyes.
"Yeah, my unknown relative may have a little streak of werewolf in him, but he's not evil. Do you think he likes all of those fan fics that make him into some kind of child molesting abusive jerk?" Said Luna idly, eyes still fixed lovingly on Harry.
"That's nice dear," Rita murmured totally uninterested. "So, Harry, are you and Hermione finished &%#$ing yet? Does being &^$*ed make you feel more like a man? Do you want to do me after?" she smiled, holding up an acid green quill. It didn’t seem to bother her Harry was completely unconscious.
Lupin glared at the interruption and turned back to Hermione. "Just because all of those freaky fan fiction writers have me playing kink of the month, it doesn't mean that I did it! I'd never do something like that! Not even if I was kidnapped by an unusually attractive werewolf at a young age and subjected to unspeakable torture of my own!"
"Remus, that's disgusting!" Tonks protested, walking on the scene. "Who would think of something like that?!"
A short silence ensured as all heads present turned to look accusingly out of the screen...ahem....anyway...
The silence was broken by a howl of unspeakable horror as a black shaggy dog ran into another nearby tree and dropped the dirty magazine it had in its mouth...wait a minute...
Ron pulled a magazine from where it had landed splayed out on his head, and twisted it about, examining it from several angles. "Sirius...this is MEN'S underwear!"
The dog turned into Sirius who dangled brokenly from a nearby tree limb, sobs rustling the foliage, "One minute I'm enjoying my subscriptions to magazines with half-nude and all-nude witches... the next? BOXERS! Boxers with SNITCHES on them! I didn't pay good money just so I could see MEN'S underwear!!"
"Wow," Neville whispered, rapidly examining a picture of a buff, red-haired young man. "Umm...can I keep this?"
"Neville, don't be ridiculous," Ginny chided, stuffing a picture that looked remarkably like Neville in a Speedo discreetly into her cloud while no one was looking.
"Pictures," Sirius mumbled absently, fingers caressing the pages then tensing and slowly shredding them one by one as tears coursed down his crinkled face. Glancing at Hermione’s black box covered body, Sirius fell twitching to the ground... being denied the view of Hermione's obviously beautiful and NAKED body...it was just...too much for the poor man to handle. Another fatality of the no explicit sex rule. God speed Sirius!
"Anyway," Tonks continued, giving the teenagers an odd look, and Sirius a strangely pitying one, "You know how Dumbledore and Fawkes have been so...err...randy lately, Well, they finally stopped &$%#ing! I don't know what happened, but there was a loud clank and he came walking out of his office... it was the weirdest thing. There were these little poorly drawn flowers clustered right around his P****. What do you think that means?"
"Tonks..." Lupin’s face was grave. She wasn't going to like the censoring anymore than he did, "I've got some bad news..."
"WHAT THA HELL’S GOIN’ ON HERE!?" An angry Hagrid stomped out of the forest, dragging his diminutive partner behind him. Stamping over the still prostrate Harry, Hagrid demanded, "Okay, who's responsible?! Eh?!" Strategically placed bubbles covered his rather large and hairy body, meshing quite nicely with the black leather. "Dobby here was workin’ hard an’ all of a’ sudden, bubbles! Bubbles on meh whip, bubbles on meh hand-cuffs, bubbles up the whole hut! Okay, not really, but everythin’ in the house is covered’n bubbles! I can't even find my butt floss! I married a house-elf for one reason," Hagrid continued, "and Dobby’s very good at that reason." Dobby smirked, his long ears dripping wet, as if freshly oiled. "Now, I want teh know is what happened to my reason!"
The crowd remained silent. No one wanted to tell Hagrid what had happened to his reason.
"Yoo-hoo!"
The disgruntled crowd looked up as a cheerful, if naked, Dumbledore descended into their midst gripping onto Fawkes’s tail and covered only by a sketchy ring of flowers around his...err...*censored*.
As the scene stood, Hermione was outraged, Harry was unconscious, Luna was pregnant (perpetrator still unknown), Ginny wanted Neville, Neville wanted Ron and Ron wanted Ginny, Lupin was a suspect, Tonks was annoyed, Hagrid was unsatisfied, Dobby was wet, Rita Skeeter had left in disappointment, Snape was amused and Sirius was dead (surprise, surprise).
"Professor Dumbledore! What are yeh doin’ here?" Hagrid searched his bondage leathers for his polka dotted handkerchief...damned bubbles were everywhere!
"I have a solution, everyone!" Dumbledore exclaimed happily "As I'm sure you all know by now, no bad fics are allowed on fanfiction.mugglenet.com. Well, I figured a way around it."
"You mean authors should post their stories with lower ratings?" Hermione asked curiously.
"Of course not, Hermione! That wouldn't be ethical!" Lupin exclaimed worriedly.
Hermione raised one brown eyebrow and stared Lupin down. She didn't want ethics. She wanted some of Harry’s fine @$$.
"No, no," Dumbledore shook his head. "That's not it." From behind his back, he pulled an hourglass on a fine gold chain. "The time-mover-backer!" A funny look crossed Dumbledore’s face, and his lips moved silently as he retraced his words. "... why did I just call it a time-mover-backer, that’s not what it called…?"
"Maybe the ban has deemed that its original name evokes inappropriate images," Snape suggested wryly.
"Oh," Dumbledore blinked. "Yes. Well, then I guess we'll have to call it a shiney gold hourglass with lots of power… well, no… that provokes as well… hmm…"
Snape’s brow furrowed, "Just call it a time-mover-backer. It's easier to say."
"Who cares what it’s called! That'll do it, fix it professor! You're the man!" Tonks exclaimed happily and in ‘out-of-character’ fashion.
"Yeah Professor. Please hurry up, I wan’ meh bitch back," Hagrid commented dryly.
"Yeah," Dumbledore sighed with a blush, "Fawkesie here kept screeching for more and tried to burst into flame when he found out..." a small sniffle escaped the old wizard. "My goodness, that's never happened to me before."
"Ah, don' worry," Hagrid exclaimed sympathetically. "It happens’ to teh best’ o’ us."
"WILL YOU TWO KNOCK IT OFF AND JUST SUMMON THIS GENIE SO I CAN LOSE THE TACKY BLACK BOXES?!" Hermione screamed in annoyance.
Wide-eyed, Dumbledore obeyed. He sure was glad he wasn't Harry. "OK, lets’ try this baby out!"
Before Dumbledore could flip it lightning flashed and the sky darkened.
"Umm...Half Blood Prince? Is that you?" Lupin asked weakly, a very worrying expression plastered across his face.
The Half Blood Prince descended upon the group, similarly to Dumbledore except with out the phoenix. Nudging the Celebrity Heads style sign stuck on his perfect hair he gave an aggrieved sigh, "Yes, it is I. The fanfictioners don’t have a clue who I am, so I have to settle for this."
"But… you’re HOT!" Neville piped up, looking curiously at the cute guy that was The Half Blood Prince.
"Hey!” Ron put in. "I thought you liked me!”
“And I thought you liked me!” Ginny yelled to her brother “But that doesn’t matter. Neville the only one for me!” She stroked Neville’s chest. “you know, I got this really nice…”
“GINNY! “ “ The ‘love-triangle-of-OOC-shiping’ continued…
Being the unknown person he is, Half Blood Prince cleared his throat and tried to ignore the argument.
"Uh, yes, anyway." He rumbled. "It doesn't matter what I look like, what is your wish?"
“You’re giving us a wish?” exclaimed Hermione “I didn’t know you could do that. Princes aren’t genies. I read it in Hogwarts, a History”
At this point Ron would’ve yelled something like “Do you *&^# with that book all night or something?” but he was to busy trying to get *censored* with his sister.
“Yes, well” Half Blood Prince cleared his throat again “I ‘m the prince and this is fan fiction, so I can do what ever I very well please, so - ”
“Anything you please?” Dumbledore asked, exceedingly interested but pretending not to care. Goodness, so many writers try to simulate his odd personality just right… “Well we’re in luck, because ““
"Move aside, you old man," a voice hissed from the bushes. "I am the one who will fix this."
In typical fashion, someone recognized the dictator and screamed out the appropriate response, "Oh no! It's You-Know-Who!"
Voldemort glared, "Yes. It's me. I may be half dead, but do you think that that means these stupid rules don't affect me? HA, think again! Do you have any idea what it's like to work all of your life at perfecting an art, and then to have it wrenched away from you in a single instant?" A dreamy look came to Voldemort's eyes. "I had my own torture room in our secret Death Eater hideout. I had a line of victims whose *explicitly violent content deleted due to fanfiction.mugglenet.net regulations*." Voldemort's eyes filled with tears as he sagged. "See?" he exclaimed hoarsely. "I can't even SAY it! Hundreds of years of torture expertise gone to waste! So stay the hell out of my way, old man! I don't care what you want; I'm getting my poorly written fanfics back."
Dumbledore’s thought about this for a moment, and then shrugged. "Uh...all right then Tom. Whatever you say."
Voldemort froze for a moment, not quite believing his ears--it didn't matter--whatever they were up to; he'd take advantage of it while he was able. "Half Blood Prince! I demand that the standard of fics can be anything the writer desires! NOW!"
Half Blood Prince sighed. If only he could, but... "I'm afraid that wish is impossible to grant," the Celebrity Heads sign slipped off his head again. "The one responsible for that decision resides at a far higher level than I."
Voldemort's face darkened with anger and he glared back at Dumbledore. "YOU DID THIS! YOU DIRTY OLD MAN!"
Unfortunately for Voldemort, the shriek awoke Harry who, after his little shock, had absolutely no compunctions about ripping apart the being who had doomed his life for so long. "Mwahaha, prepare to die Voldemort!"
As Lupin watched, a large black box appeared over the scene, only the occasional squirt of blood and tortured scream from behind it indicating the severity of the action taking place. Not even censorship could stop that kind of drive for revenge, only cover it up.
Half Blood Prince had said… "The one responsible for that decision resides at a far higher level than I." Lupin's eyes narrowed. Who was at the center of all of his torment? Who was the one who hounded him to no end?
Umbridge.
It was Umbridge's fault he couldn't %#@# Tonks (who had mysteriously become his wife overnight), or ogle cute teenagers at the school, or be abused by Voldemort...wait, okay that last one wasn't so fun, but still, it was Umbridge. That little midget woman was always jealous of the amount of attention he got from the fan fiction writers...maybe it was time to pay Umbridge a visit...
Back at the Ministry of Magic, Umbridge was (for once) entirely oblivious. She didn't even know about the ban yet. Poor Umbridge, THAT was about to change.
"Oh, Bridgie-poo!!" Cornelius Fudge winked seductively, sauntering up to the short woman, Pina Colada in one hand and a bottle of oil in the other. "It's time for your massage." The minister grinned an amorous grin that Umbridge had come to recognize, and she sighed. That minister was insatiable!
Five minutes later, Lupin burst in, full of pomp and circumstance, ready to lay into his ‘old friend’, only to find Umbridge and Fudge wailing hysterically in the midst of the Ministers office.
"Umm...Professor Umbridge?" Harry tried to cool down. One of the people he hated most in the world was obviously upset and OOC. "Minister? Are you okay?"
"Oh, Harry!" The minister wailed. "It's terrible, it's gone! My P**** is gone! WAAAAAAAAHHHH! See?! I can't even mention it!"
Umbridge’s face was streaked with tears. "Mine too...mine too..." she sobbed heavily.
Harry didn't want to know. He didn't want to know how Fudge and Umbridge had managed to both find out that their P**** were missing at the exact same instant....in fact...."Professor? Aren't you a woman?”
“I...I thought you were too, Mr Fudge..." added Luna as an afterthought, dreamily starring at a pot plant.
"Oh..." Fudge blinked. "That's right. I wonder why we've been ^$%#ing so much lately then..."
As the scene faded to black, many questions were left unresolved. Who was the father of Luna's baby? Just exactly HOW MANY pieces did Harry rip Voldemort into? What will happen to the incestuous Neville/Ron/Ginny triangle? Did Sirius really die at one point or another? Will Fawkes ever to burst into flame again? Will Hagrid ever get his bitch back? And just what type of game were Harry and Hermione playing earlier?
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So the message of this story is, don’t write something pointless because not only are you wasting the donated time of the fan fiction moderators here at Mugglenet, your wasting your own. Don’t let this deter you from writing a fan-tablous fic though, because we’re looking for originality! And if in doubt, don’t be afraid to email us through the site. We’ll always be glad to help! It’s our job!