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Voldemort sat glumly at the finest oak desk the goblins had ever been tortured into making, and found himself at a complete loss as to what to write.
As the most malevolent wizard in the Wizarding World, hell-bent on world domination, he had somewhat of a reputation of being an evil genius.
Unfortunately, Voldemort was rather worried that he would never go down into the history books the way he hoped to - as iconic and charismatic. He much preferred everyone to be in no doubt that he was the greatest Dark Wizard alive through complete wickedness, not some Half-Blood who decided on world domination through his own insecurities.
Voldemort feared his ruthless dominance of Muggles might go misinterpreted unless he wrote his own exploits himself, as an insightful view into his interesting life, to say the least.
It was necessary, therefore, for him to hurry up with this journal. He had already nearly succeeded in overthrowing good, apart from that blasted Potter boy who kept on interfering with his plans.
He had been inches from death, sharing other beings’ bodies; almost got the Philosopher’s Stone to grant him eternal life; almost destroyed the meddling Boy-Who-Lived as a mere memory; and had finally returned back to full power, with plenty of followers behind him.
It was an attention-grabbing plot, but it was missing something.
Okay, it was missing several somethings.
His first page read like this:
Lord Voldemort: A Transformation
Well, it had read like that until he had decided that the title didn’t have nearly enough depth. Voldemort squinted at the page with his ruby eyes. He had the finest desk, a quill that he had stolen from Albus Dumbledore, which was a mean feat, and about a billion slaves - but the words didn’t flow as easily as he had hoped.
His revised first page read like this:
The Other Side of The World’s Most Notorious Criminal.
Voldemort was then interrupted by one of his most favoured Death Eaters, Lucius Malfoy. Malfoy was a slippery eel when it came to social occasions in pro-Muggle circles, and Voldemort liked his malice entirely.
However, he was most annoyed to see that Malfoy’s cold grey eyes dart to his much-scribbled-on page, which was clear evidence that the autobiography was not going well.
“My lord, a shipment of Mud-bloods has been reported to have escaped in Armenia. Our Death-Eaters naturally did not think of them as priority…they are Muggles after all - but it seems we are immensely disadvantaged, due to the fact they have guns. A crude Muggle imitation of a wand, but it could render some of our top Death-Eaters useless, my Lord. I am so terribly sorry - believe me, if there was anything I could do in my power, I would do it, O Mighty One -”
Voldemort had switched off around the word ‘priority’ - it was clear Malfoy had done something wrong, and it had to do with Muggles, however it was common, Death-Eater-initiated knowledge that Muggles were annoying twerps who could only imitate magic through machines, and needed to be purged from the human race.
At that current moment, he was more concerned about his autobiography’s title.
“Lucius, would The Other Side of The World’s Most Notorious Criminal be too long?”
Lucius Malfoy blinked. He swallowed hard, and decided that the Dark Lord could easily blow him up in the Muggle-like fashion if he did not think of a reply quickly.
“Sir, if you don’t mind me asking, what other side of you is there? I was of the humble opinion that you were completely evil.”
Voldemort was flummoxed.
He hadn’t thought of the fact that he was entirely evil. The ‘other side’ suggested depth though - depth which the autobiography didn’t have.
It was purely evil all the way through, and it showed no signs of remorse at all.
Voldemort understood that many book-buyers feel things called - what’s the word? - emotions so it was best to put some of them in. There would be no great cliff-hanger without some emotional pull from somewhere or other.
Of course, this would mean lying to his fans, but on second thoughts Voldemort wisely decided that he was more notorious for being a liar than anything else, so it fitted quite nicely.
“I have feelings of conscience, every once in a while, Lucius,” retorted Voldemort.
Lucius tried not to raise his eyebrows. Voldemort, whilst a notorious liar, was not always a good one.
Still, it was best to let the Master carry out his own plan. In the meantime, Lucius could “accidentally” lose more Muggles in some remote places like deserts - where they would die.
Accidentally.
Lucius bowed low, careful not to look at the parchment again, “Of course, my Lord. Perhaps you would consider something snappy - like, Sifting Through The Trash- or something along those lines. I have full faith in you, Master.”
Lucius swept out of the room, leaving Voldemort alone with his writer’s block.
Sifting Through The Trash: A Novel
An autobiography of Pure Evil
The iconic tale of the famed Dark Wizard, Lord Voldemort.
Unafraid and on his way to becoming the most powerful wizard history has ever recorded, he now pauses to turn back and examine how he worked his way to greatness.
But how did he do it? What obstacles did the most feared Dark Lord overcome in order to become what he is today? Sifting through the trash looks at his daredevil exploits through his own eyes - and is sure to be one of the greatest novels of all time.
Voldemort leaned back in his chair and studied the prologue. It would need some work, and something more - like the POV of a slave or an arch-enemy thrown in there.
It would serve to reinforce the fact that he had no remorse - a good reminder when you have a billion, two thousand, six hundred and ninety-eight slaves to sort through, who try and rebel every once and a while.
Voldemort summoned his secretary to him. “Get me Harry Potter. I need a fresh angle.”
The secretary looked purely astounded. “Sir, with all due respect, Harry Potter is sitting his NEWTs at Hogwarts, the safest magical establishment in the world, with Albus Dumbledore and Moody sniffing around -”
“I DON’T CARE IF CORNELIUS FUDGE IS THERE! I HAVE WRITER’S BLOCK, AND THAT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN HARRY POTTER’S NEWTS!” exploded Voldemort.
“B-b-but, Dark Lord, he is very well-protected and -”
“I don’t care how you do it. I don’t really care if Potter gets a D in all his exams. He’s my arch-nemesis and this book’s viewpoint has just blown right open!”
His secretary began to back away. They hadn’t succeeded in capturing Harry Potter when Voldemort was focused entirely on killing him - so how was she meant to get him to write a chapter out of the blue?
“AND GET ME ALBUS DUMBLEDORE TO DO THE FORWARD!” yelled Voldemort after her.
Voldemort leaned back in his chair, exhausted.
Writing a title was hard work.