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Dumbledore dipped his quill into the ink and began to write, as a full moon cast light onto the parchment. But what to write?
The headmaster chuckled to himself. Surely, Voldemort’s writer’s block was not contagious? It wasn’t possible “ and besides, there was plenty to write about.
Sifting through the trash: a novel
Forward by Albus Dumbledore, Arch-Nemesis
How does one begin to understand the mind and workings of the greatest Dark wizard alive? Quite simply, one does not wish (if one has any sense of moral conduct, that is, so this address excludes Death Eaters and several Ministry officials who shall remain nameless) to understand the mind and working of Voldemort, because if one has the slightest inkling, one is surely evil oneself.
It was catching! How many ones had he written in that short paragraph? It didn’t need to be formal, it was just a foreword.
How can anyone possibly begin to understand the emotions of Voldemort? Quite simply, any good person can’t. Death Eaters and certain Ministry officials can, of course, and the general, terrified population does not wish to be like them.
Was that too much of an insult to the Ministry?
Dumbledore considered.
Cornelius Fudge had wasted an awful lot of the Order of the Phoenix’s time and effort by refusing to believe that Voldemort had resumed his full power “ and the Wizengamot still hadn’t kicked him out.
So, in comparison to all of the unpleasant things that Fudge did deserve, the insult was nothing.
However, I find myself compelled to try and look through his eyes at his life. Whilst countless others are horrified, angered, petrified I dare say, of what he has done and how many lives he has wrecked or ended “ he must look at this sheer destruction of humanity as a triumph.
Dumbledore paused briefly.
Did Voldemort really count this as a triumph, of all things?
The headmaster had never questioned before that Voldemort was not in possession of working conscience and had no morals aside from “kill all Muggles”, but now he wondered.
Merlin’s beard, what was wrong with him?
Only a maniac with the highest magical and academic ability would take on the challenge of purging Muggles from the human race. Indeed, Voldemort has failed largely in killing all Muggles or even the majority, however he keeps approximately one sixth of the world’s population in captivity, and has eradicated any sort of Government, let alone civilization, that they had.
Was that too negative?
Of course it was negative. That was somewhat the point “ it was rather hard to say something positive about Voldemort. In fact, Dumbledore nearly pointed out (albeit to himself) that it was impossible “ but Voldemort had managed to employ a charming woman who went by ‘secretary’.
He had said Voldemort was crazy yet clever, failing yet enslaving. There were pros and cons “ something Dumbledore had not anticipated. Voldemort was the cleverest student to have ever sat just across from him “ and look at what he had done with his intelligence.
The only good thing he had ever done in his life was to employ the secretary.
Should he mention the secretary, or would that sound too sexual for an autobiography of this type?
Dumbledore, after chewing halfway through his quill as he pondered, decided to include ‘the secretary’ in later chapters.
Some would say that Voldemort is a kindred spirit, a wild child who has not quite found his way yet. One of these people is a mysterious young woman by the codename of ‘The Secretary’ “ who some would say is seductive, but I content myself by commenting on her appearance as ‘attractive’.
Wait a second “ hadn’t he decided two minutes previously not to write about the secretary?
Of course, some consider Voldemort to be a poor, sorry child who never quite grieved over his mother. These people are often misguided and troubled people themselves “ not wholly evil, but going that way. Voldemort was a poor and sorry child several decades ago “ the adult that emerged is decadent and malicious.
Yes, that summed up Voldemort quite nicely - decadent and malicious.
He decided to continue no further with his forward. It was late and thoughts of the secretary were filling his mind “ what was wrong with him?
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Harry sat in the Gryffindor Common room in his favorite armchair, considering what to write for Voldemort, of all people. It didn’t have to be flattering “ in fact, the more abusive, the better.
Harry had plenty of things to say about Voldemort “ his parents’ death, the Philosopher’s Stone, Tom Riddle, the Triwizard Tournament, Cedric Diggory, Neville’s parents, Lucius Malfoy and his sadistic son, Draco, in Harry’s year and Sirius in the Department of Mysteries.
That was a bit too much to put into a chapter.
He had to scale it down and generalize “ or write out Voldemort’s book for him, which was never going to happen. Help Voldemort make millions in book sales? That was way down on his List of things to do before I die, in fact it was right after Kiss Snape and the one before extract toe nails by hand.
Sifting through the trash: a novel
Additional chapters by Harry Potter, Arch-Nemesis
Voldemort is evil, to put it bluntly. He’s intent on purging Muggles from the human race which will never happen. And if he can’t do that, he’ll make them into slaves and torture them for not having magic in their veins. He will kill or destroy from the inside anyone who stands in his way if he gets half a chance.
He was nearly killed sixteen years ago, but there was a mishap and apparently Voldemort didn’t die, but shared animals’ bodies. And after Peter Pettigrew returned back to him, he resumed full power and now both the Muggle and magical community are in a pile of troll dung.
My parents were murdered by Lord Voldemort. I can still hear my mother screaming when a Dementor gets too close “ and that is a horrible feeling I wish for no-one, and yet there are others like me, everywhere. Having lost uncles, cousins, brothers, sisters, parents, aunts, grand-parents, friends, acquaintances, neighbors and pets, they continue to live on, traumatized by what has happened, with their lives wrecked.
So, now that he is about to overthrow all that is good in the world completely, I beg of you this: DO NOT BUY THIS BOOK.
If you are reading this already, it’s probably too late, but if you are reading in a shop or just browsing, put the book down.
Voldemort has already caused more havoc than all the Slytherins combined, so why make him even happier by making him richer?
As long as there is good in the world, right will prevail.
Harry looked at his handiwork, and concluded with:
Voldemort in a nutshell? Evil, sadistic and mental. That’s all you need to know, so you don’t need to read this book after all.
Harry leaned back in the chair, and grinned. Dumbledore could force him through emotional blackmail and a persistent troll to write a chapter “ but nothing could make him write a good chapter.
As Harry settled himself in his four-poster bed to sleep, and a well-deserved sleep it was too, Dumbledore was also lying in bed, dreaming of the secretary.
Unbeknownst to Dumbledore was the fact that Voldemort was also dreaming of his secretary.
And unbeknownst to anyone, Ron was dreaming of his teddy bear turning into a spider, but Ron’s dream was rather irrelevant in comparison.