A/N: Dumbledore writes in italics, Voldemort writes in bold and Mundungus writes in plain text.
My dear Voldemort, the letter began,
You asked me five days ago to supply you with a man who did not balance his words and could talk almost haphazardly of you without notable trepidation or instruction.
The man I have chosen is not much of an arch-enemy, per se. He is a member of the Order of the Phoenix and knows a great deal about you “ and has a sizeable amount of loathing for you.
His name I shall not disclose at this time for fear this owl should be intercepted, but let me assure you that he seems rather tramp-like in comparison to Death Eaters and Ministry officials alike. He is likely to spell things incorrectly and his grammar is appalling. I presumed that you would prefer this as his POV would make it look as though all your opposition are bumbling fools.
On my word, he will begin writing his woes immediately.
Yours sincerely,
Albus Dumbledore.
In a brief afterthought, he added a postscript:
PS: Could you please inform me of the identity of “The Secretary”? Much appreciated.
Voldemort read through the letter and ordered Lucius to bring him a very frothy cappuccino (a Muggle drink he was rather partial to: a tiny bit of coffee and a lot of foam) and the list of everyone in the Order of the Phoenix.
When Lucius brought him a coffee and the original Order of the Phoenix, most of whom were dead, Voldemort through a temper tantrum and locked himself in his own office and refused to see anyone for the rest of the day whilst he penned out his response:
To Whom It May Concern: (a.k.a Professor Dumbledore)
Ideally, I would like you to write out the forward, Dumbledore. You taught me and have fought with me in the original Order and now the new. You know me better than anyone else, so I think it fitting that you write the forward to my precious autobiography, my life as it were.
However, you seem to know me too well “ well enough to balance me out in pros and cons. If you feel unable to condemn me then I suggest telling your Mystery Man to begin writing. Don’t worry about the grammar and the spelling “ you still have a place in my malice, and that place has merely transfigured into Editor. Imagine! Albus Dumbledore correcting Lord Voldemort’s work, just like in the old days when I was Tom Riddle and you were ‘Sir’.
The identity of the secretary is a private matter, as you should have guessed. I feel it is an invasion of her privacy and life for you to find out more than you need to know “ so naturally I shall tell you.
Dumbledore read the paragraph a few times before he understood it properly. Apparently, Voldemort was aware of common morals and had decided that society was too full of good versus evil propaganda, thus giving Dumbledore the details he did not deserve.
Her name is Zeta Cartwright. She is a Voldemort-supporter, as one would suspect, but she feels that I am a kindred spirit rather than evil, so I decided that she could not be a Death Eater with her misconceptions.
The important thing one needs to know about Zeta is that she is mine and no matter what you do, dear, pitiable Dumbledore, she will continue to be. Not that I actually love her - you know I don’t actually believe in emotions as such - but she is rather fascinated by yours truly.
I did absolutely nothing to encourage this, I guarantee you most earnestly.
Well, maybe the sudden rise in her pay check after I read her mind, but that was it.
I can understand why you might be put out at this news, but it was inevitable in itself that you would be rejected by Zeta. She’s young enough to be your granddaughter, great-granddaughter at a pinch. You never stood a chance.
All the best,
Lord Voldemort
Dumbledore replied very quickly with an angry note, sent by an Express owl.
Voldemort,
Not only do I not support the obvious sexism that your establishment is riddled in, I also resent your flagrant misuse of our partnership. Unless you act in a professional manner and talk about the business deal which I was under the impression was of utmost important to you, and not the secretary who I never said I was interested in “ and I am not, for the record “ I shall discontinue the writers’ alliance, taking Harry and my mystery Foreword man with me (Editor-in-chief).
I bid you good day.
Yours disgustedly,
Professor Albus “Zeta lover” Dumbledore
Voldemort was rudely interrupted by Lucius Malfoy, who had been leaning over his shoulder discreetly, who said, “My Lord, don’t you think it would be best if you were to reply that you wish to continue the alliance?”
Voldemort nearly jumped out of his skin and told Lucius that unless he figured out how to make a cappuccino properly, his services were not needed.
But, looking back on the letter and its author, it was best to suck up a bit now. Merlin forbid he had to actually write the whole accursed thing himself!
My dearest Professor Dumbledore,
I am most horrifically sorry that I displeased you with my last letter “ your grievance was never my intention. I was merely expressing that it is best to prepare oneself with the inevitable. Zeta is not that astonishing.
But, in the most businesslike of ways, let us continue this affiliation. I was most delighted to hear that you have accepted the title of Editor-in-Chief and the responsibilities which come with it.
I would like to see some material from this Mystery Man and although my Death Eaters are trying to divulge his identity as I write this (I deduce they are male “ you yourself referred to them as ‘Man’) I need some written work, otherwise I might have to ask you to possibly try once more, or beseech Harry to write it.
Much as we have found, civility is necessary if we are to continue, so let us find some common ground on this area.
My most humble apologies,
Tom Riddle
Voldemort, Dark Lord or Tom Riddle,
You learnt in Hogwarts how to suck up in such a manner “ and it seems you have not perfected the art. I did not fall for it when you were young and I certainly shall not do so now. When you are being brutal and offensive, you are at your most honest.
Let us talk no more of common ground and personal lives, but rather of business. Enclosed is a copy of the foreword my mystery man has composed :
Sifting through the trash: A Novel
Foreword by a member of the Order of the Phoenix, anonymous.
Lord Voldemort is writing an account of his life “ and I jolly well hope this is a sign that he’ll stop with his Muggle killing and bloody well retire from his job. How many lives has he ruined? Has anybody bothered to tally up, not just the dead, but those hurt and aggrieved by his actions. There’s no point “ we already know. Everyone who isn’t a Death Eater who knows somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody…and so on. A chain of grief and hate has been made “ and it’s him who’s to blame.
I say, read this thing and be spurred into doing something “ fighting him, like. A lot of people are saying, “Nah, we don’t need to do nothing “ it ain’t like last time.” Of course it isn’t like last time! Last time we had Harry Potter to help us (Merlin knows how he did it) and this time he’s stronger “ brought back from the un-dead, un-living with a potion that contained a bit of Harry. He’s stronger now, so even more reason to rise up.
Together we can defeat him. Good will prevail and all that “ something Dumbledore would say, isn’t it, but I have to say, I agree. If all the good can rise up, the evil is well and truly bloody done for, isn’t it? But if some of that good is too scared and too cowardly to do anything about it, then they might as well not be good. Got to stand up for what is good and happy and truthful in this world.
Read and be horrified “ and rise up.
If you think that grammar is bad, you should have seen the original copy. It completely condemned you, which I thought you’d like. Not so sure about your response as to the “rising up” “ because as every slave-holder knows, they can be rather a bother with their rebellions and revolts.
But read the foreword and be warned, Voldemort, of the inevitable. We are coming and we will win. It is best to prepare oneself for the inevitable “ as you said yourself.
Yours sincerely,
Albus “Vanquisher” Dumbledore
Lord Voldemort was once more in a predicament. He seemed to be having a lot more of these quandaries ever since beginning his autobiography, but he assumed it would be worth it.
After reading through the proposed foreword, he had decided to insert it. However, he simply could not allow it to be published under “anonymous”. It would suggest that he was not in control. So he had to find out what the identity of the author was.
Or, rather, hatch a daring and over-complex plan in which somebody else found out from Dumbledore.
Zeta was rather hesitant to flirt with Dumbledore for a period longer than ten minutes, but Voldemort assured her that her work would not go unrecognized. While Zeta presumed this meant the Dark Lord might actually have a crush on her, it actually meant that she would get saddled with his cat once he had resumed his Muggle-baiting activities.
A hasty note was drafted to the besotted professor, under the name of Zeta (Voldemort was the author, with Lucius Malfoy making suggestions over his shoulder, having learnt how to make a satisfactory cappuccino) and Dumbledore had suggested a date.
Beloved Albus, wrote Voldemort, knowing Zeta was not going to like this,
I would absolutely adore an engagement with you on February 14th! How terrific it would be to go to “
“Hogsmeade,” interjected Lucius.
“What do you mean - Hogsmeade? That’s going to be full of Aurors and Hogwarts students!” Voldemort spluttered.
“My Lord, Hogsmeade is a popular place for couples on Valentine’s Day and no-one would suspect. Another advantage of our…situation…is that no-one apart from Dumbledore knows that she is affiliated with you.”
Voldemort thought about this and then continued his writing:
Hogsmeade, and to get better acquainted with each other. I can’t stop thinking about you and I purely want to know more. If you would kindly meet me there at twelve o’clock, we could dine and get au fait.
Affectionately yours -
“With all due respect, sir, Dumbledore is more than affectionate towards her, so shouldn’t her supposed response end on a more yearning note?” said Lucius. Voldemort would have normally thrown him out at that point, but he did make a good cappuccino.
Yours forever,
Zeta “future Mrs. Dumbledore” Cartwright
“O Dark Lord, do we need her last name, or the interjected middle names?” asked Lucius.
Voldemort told him that unless he could make a satisfactory espresso “ not cappucino - he should get out of his office.
“But sir, I can make an espresso. You made me go on that Muggle beverages course!” protested Malfoy.
Lord Voldemort; note to self: Do not send Death Eaters on Muggle awareness courses if the intention of drinking Muggle beverages is to have an excuse when throwing them out of the office.
“Well “ you - just “ no “ get out of my office!” burst Voldemort.
Malfoy left without comment.
Voldemort was shaking with anger. He was the only truly inexcusable wizard in the world, yet his actions were beings questioned? He didn’t need a valid reason! He just did these things, on instinct and impulse! Was that so hard to understand?