A/N: Just so people won't flame me for this right away, the excessive use of masculine pronouns at the beginning such as 'his,' 'him,' etc., are for dramatic/ambiguity purposes. That being said, enjoy!
Where are you going?
Where are you going?
Can you take me with you…?
For my hand is cold
And needs warmth…
Where are you going?
"Miss Tonks, I don't think he's going to make it," the nurse told Tonks sadly.
"Yes, he is!" she argued fiercely. "He will live! He will! I'll – I'll make him live!"
The nurse patted Tonks's shoulder comfortingly. "There, there, darling. I know it's difficult. But…you can't make someone live."
Tonks jerked away rudely, beyond the point of caring. "Now's the time for me to figure out how," she muttered rebelliously.
"I'm truly sorry…are you his sister? You're far too young to be his wife, of course…"
"No," Tonks said, eyes cast down at the sleeping form on the bed. "I'm not his sister or his wife. Just a friend." And nothing more.
"Oh. Well, of course, it's still just as bad," the nurse commiserated.
Tonks deflated, her sudden temper ebbing as swiftly as it had flared. "Yes, of course."
"Er…Miss Tonks…" the nurse started, sidestepping the topic carefully in fear of Tonks's touchiness, "…you do know St. Mungo's rules, do you not?"
"Yes, I do," Tonks replied absently.
"Well…you do know our closing time, do you not?"
Tonks gazed up at her from her position on the floor. She had been kneeling there for two hours now. "Please don't make me leave. Please."
"I'm sorry, but there are no exceptions," the nurse informed her gently. "I'm afraid you'll have to leave in three hours."
Tonks blinked furiously to keep from breaking down into childish tears. "Right. I understand that." Briefly, she contemplated the harebrained scheme of knocking out one of his nurses and morphing into her, but then she discarded that thought as far too cruel.
He wouldn't want me here in disguise, she knew instinctively. He'd want me to go home, and have a bar of bloody chocolate, and go to sleep. And above all, not to worry about him.
"That's too bloody bad for him," she murmured out loud. "I'm staying here."
"Pardon?" the nurse said politely, eyeing Tonks skeptically. No doubt she was by now wondering why her patient would keep with this sort of company, a young woman with pixie-cut brown hair and bright gray eyes who had the tendency to lose her temper and talk to herself.
"Erm, nothing." Tonks blushed ridiculously. If he were awake, he'd smile at me reassuringly and give me more chocolate, or something.
Gingerly, the nurse patted Tonks on the shoulder. "I'll leave you two alone now. In three hours I'll come get you."
Judging from her friend's pallid face and shallow breathing, Tonks realized with a pang that she might need the nurse in a far shorter time than that. At this terrible thought, her eyes welled up again, but by now, the nurse was gone. Tonks let them fall, cursing herself all the while. Eventually, she grew sick of it and rubbed them away.
"You silly girl," she chided herself. "Stop crying. He's your friend, yes, but we all knew this could happen to any one of us."
The words succeeded in making her feel far worse.
Perhaps it was that he was only her friend, when she wanted him to be far more to her. But of course, as any rational person knew, she was far too young for him, and he was far too guilt-ridden to speak up himself, even if there had been anything for him to speak of.
Which there isn't, Tonks reminded herself. He doesn't love you as anything more than a friend, or a sister.
Tonks sighed and picked up one of his cool, long-fingered hands, absently holding it in her own and stroking the back of it with her thumb.
"Remus Lupin," she whispered into the empty room, letting his name send chills up her spine.
He was the man she loved. And he was about to die.
And when he died, her heart died with him.
"All right, cut the dramatics!" she ordered herself, frustrated at her sudden sappiness. "Your heart's not going to bloody rot and disintegrate in your chest, you dolt. You'll just…never love another man again.…is that so hard?"
Yes. It was so hard. Because he'd never be there again.
Collapsing under the strain of the past day's events, Tonks allowed herself this one sentimental moment and wept, pressing his hand to her forehead.
The worst part was that they didn't even know exactly what had happened to Remus. He was living alone, as usual, having refused Mr. and Mrs. Weasley's offer to have him stay in their newly acquired Grimmauld Place with Harry. Tonks knew that it was still too painful for him, even three years after his best friend's death. Voldemort had been defeated, but his Death Eaters still remained, headed by Bellatrix, who was determined to carry out her dead master's last wishes.
Somehow, they had caught Snape. They had forced his own Veritaserum down his throat. They had asked him where Remus Lupin, the last Marauder and the nearest thing Harry still had to a father, was living. Under the influence of the truth potion, Snape had told them. And they had gone there.
Yes, they knew how Remus had been attacked. But even now, no one knew what they had done to him to put him in this fragile state between life and death.
You got what you deserved, Tonks thought grimly at Bellatrix, who had been caught by Dumbledore and was now awaiting the Kiss. Without any hope of profit, the dementors had returned to their side. Tonks still wasn't sure she was happy about this. No one, not even Fudge, would ever wholly trust the Azkaban guards ever again.
Remus made a soft noise in his unconscious state. Tonks turned to him.
He looked uncommonly peaceful. Though still relatively young, care had lined his face prematurely and gave him gray hair before his time. Now, in the half-shadows of early twilight, the lines seemed smoothed out, and the gray hairs blended in with the normal color of his light brown hair. The soft blue-green eyes that Tonks so loved were veiled by their lids.
"Oh, Remus," Tonks whispered, her throat choked with unshed tears, "come back. Please, come back. I can't live without you. It's not fair…"
She watched his thin chest rise and fall in regular rhythm, but the shallowness of his breaths frightened her.
Tonks leaned over him and whispered in his ear, "Remus…come back…or at least take me with you." She smiled reflectively. "You always used to let me tag along in the Order, whenever we were on duty, or Dumbledore asked you to go on an errand. Why can't you let me come with you on this trip? I'd be so lonely without you. Everyone else looked down on me for being a clumsy, happy-go-lucky girl, rather useless, but you…you were different. You liked me because I was clumsy, liked me because I'm cheerful. I can't let go of you."
Tonks blinked suddenly and swiped at her eyes again. "Sod this," she grumbled petulantly.
Far beyond where the horizon lies
Where the horizon lies…
And the land sinks into
Mellow blueness —
Oh, please, take me with you…
"Tonks?"
Tonks jumped to her feet, breaking contact with Remus, and stared at the tearful face of Hermione. "Er…hello," Tonks greeted her, cursing the telltale tearstains on her own face and knowing instinctively, without any doubt, that her nose was horribly and disgustingly red and blotchy.
"Oh, Tonks," the younger woman said, reaching out to Tonks and hugging her, "this must be hurting you so. I know how much he meant to you."
Tonks stiffened. "What?"
Hermione drew back, bewildered. "Well…you were close friends, I thought…"
"Oh." Tonks turned beet red and tried to joke it off. "For a moment there, I thought you were suggesting we were, you know, closer than friends, and ha! That would be ridiculous!"
Even to her own ears, she sounded fake.
Hermione pursed her lips and raised her eyebrows, looking disturbingly like Professor McGonagall. "Would it really?" she murmured.
"Yes. Really," Tonks reiterated, wondering why she was so desperately defending herself on this matter.
Hermione gave her a long look that clearly said, "You know, Tonks, you're being a bit obvious…do you want to talk about it?"
Funny, how looks could be so expressive.
Tonks, in turn, swiveled to glance back at Remus, managing to trip over her own feet as she did so. She would have fallen were it not for the steadying hand of Hermione.
Hermione followed her gaze, and her face softened. "He looks so serene, doesn't he? I've never seen him look quite so rested."
Together, they drifted over to his bedside — that is, Hermione drifted. Tonks started to drift, then stumbled, staggering the rest of the way in a highly undignified fashion. They knelt down beside him.
"I wonder where he's going," Hermione said softly after a time.
Tonks glanced at her curiously. "What?"
"Tonks, did your parents ever have you read Muggle books?"
Tonks shook her head, making a face. "I was never a fan for that sort of literature, myself. I liked my mum's old spell-books better."
"Well, there's this one series I read once…it's called Lord of the Rings, by J.R.R. Tolkein, and I've always liked the way he described departing from this world in his books. I had such a wonderful image of it in my mind." Hermione gazed out the window mistily. "There was a harbor, all rosy and golden in the sunset, with a few faint shadows of grey twilight around it. The water was lovely and clear and silvery-blue, throwing off little glints of the sunlight. And there was a boat. And…you climbed into the boat, tired but happy, and sailed off, off into the sunset. I can't help hoping…if the worse comes to worst…it'll be like that."
Hermione's eyes were glassy, and Tonks was feeling teary herself. "Hell," she said, unobtrusively wiping her nose, "maybe I should've given those books a chance."
Hermione chuckled weakly and stood. "I have to go. Ron's waiting outside." At Tonks's questioning look, she explained, "He was part of the group who found Professor Lupin. He's…he's said what he's needed to say. He and Harry don't…don't want to come back in here…" she faltered, her voice breaking. She squeezed her old professor's hand and murmured, "Goodbye, Professor, if this is indeed goodbye…I'll miss you." Shakily, she got to her feet and started for the door.
She paused at the doorway and looked back at Tonks. "Oh, er, Tonks?"
"Yes, Hermione?"
"There…there was this other Muggle book I read, Jane Eyre. Jane was twenty years old and was about to marry a man who was forty. In the end, though they were both older, they did marry each other. Just – just thought you might want to think about that."
Tonks stared at Hermione and wondered if she had ever been that discerning when she was Hermione's age, which was not that long ago. "Right, Hermione. I'll, erm, keep that in mind. I suppose."
A ghost of a smile flickered over Hermione's features. "Just in case, you know, the best should happen…" And then she was gone, leaving Tonks alone in her solitary cogitation.
Tonks faced Remus and took up his hand again. "Did you hear what Hermione said?" she whispered. "No…of course not. I'm being silly. But…now I really want to come with you."
Let me skip the road with you
I can dare myself,
I can dare myself…
I'll put a pebble in my shoe
And watch me walk,
I can walk and walk…
Tonks blew out a breath, feeling ridiculously inept at everything. She was used to this — hadn't she felt this way in most situations concerning the dreaded word 'grace'? — but now she wished she knew what to do. Staying here with Remus wasn't enough. She had to say something.
Suddenly, Tonks knew what it was that she had to say.
She squeezed his hand. "Right, Remus. I'm going to tell you something. I'm sorry to take this opportunity now, the coward's way out — but I know you'll understand. I could never say this to you if you were awake. Partly because you wouldn't let me, but mostly because this isn't something I could tell you.
"Remus John Lupin, I love you. It feels nice to say that out loud, instead of just in my head. I've loved you since…oh, I don't know. Maybe our first guard duty together? I remember that. I had tripped on something or other, trying to be helpful, and I fell down. Bloody hell, that hurt. I still have a scar. Ripped my knee right open, I did. And you knelt down beside me on the ground, where I was clutching my knee but still trying to pretend it hadn't happened, and you gave me a bar of chocolate. You and your chocolate fetish…anyway, I looked at you, thinking, 'How is that supposed to help?' And you just smiled softly and said, 'Try it,' and got up and walked away. And I watched you go, madly wishing that you were down on the ground beside me again. Since then, I've always wanted you by my side. But we both know it's impossible…even I, in my foolish fancies, know you'd never let yourself care for me. You'd think I'm too young to be tied down with a poor lycanthrope, particularly one you work with.
"But now I'm beginning to realize what a mistake I've been making about keeping this secret from you. And by the by, think on that, wouldn't you? A secret – I've actually kept a secret for four years. Me, Tonks, who's terrible at keeping other people's secrets and even worse at keeping my own. Maybe it's because this secret is too important for me to tell, too precious. But it's time to let go and spill it all. Part of me is starting to think that we could be together. No, honestly, think about it. Putting aside work…I'm not afraid, Remus. You'd pity me, loving a werewolf, but it adds a certain mysterious aura to your — all right, I'm not going to go there. I didn't just say that. Never mind. I love you because of the trials you've been through and how you've been strong enough for yourself and others for each and every one of them. Would Harry even be sane today if you hadn't been there for him when Sirius passed? The point is, I'm not scared of problems and pitfalls. I can face them. I know it. As long as you're with me, I can.
"Without you, Remus…I don't know what I can do. I don't know if I'll even know who I am. See? Even now, I doubt myself…
"Let me try, Remus. Trust me."
I shall call the pebble Dare,
I shall call the pebble Dare…
We will walk, we will walk together
We will talk about walking —
Dare shall be carried.
And when we both have had enough,
I will take him from my shoe, singing,
"Meet your new road…"
Tonks sighed and rested her head against the metal bar of the bed. "I feel like a bit of a twit," she confessed to the unconscious man. "But you always did tell me it was better to talk about it than keep it shut up inside, whatever 'it' may be.
"Where was I? I don't know where I was. I don't think I ever was anywhere in the first place. We'll just suppose I was talking about how much I love you. God knows I've been talking about that enough.
"Remus, if there was any one thing I could do for you, it wouldn't be to cure your lycanthropy. I know that's what most other people would say. I know, because I've asked. I asked Harry once, when he was depressed, and I asked Molly when she was worrying about you, and I asked Kingsley once on guard duty, a few nights after Sirius fell through the veil. And each and every one of them, even Harry, said, 'I'd somehow find a cure for being a werewolf.' But they forget. They forget everything else that's happened to you. They forget all the other tragedies of your life: Lily and James, two tragedies concerning Sirius, and so much else that I can't comprehend. I have to say that if I could do any one thing for you, it would be to make you happy.
"And you, being the practical, sensible man that you are, would say there's no way I could make you happy, because you don't know how to be happy anymore. Life's dealt you too much, hasn't it? Suppose it's like a card game. Sometimes the cards are good, and sometimes not. In your case, they haven't been good for awhile.
"How do you know I can't change that, Remus? Did you ever get past the negatives of a relationship and look at the positives? Think about it, Remus: how much hardship can there be when two people are sharing the load? I hate to say it, but that's elementary maths. We could surmount the hard times together and put them behind us."
Quite without realizing it, Tonks picked up her love's hand and pressed it to her lips. "I honestly think I'm going mad," she confided, her lips moving against the fragile skin stretched over his hand. "I just made the most glorious speeches in the world to you, and no one was around to hear it. Not that I wanted anyone to hear those, mind. Especially not you. And those speeches were all about you rejecting a relationship, when that has never crossed your mind anyway."
Tonks checked the clock: half-past seven. An hour and a half had gone by since the nurse had told her she'd have to leave in three hours. She only had another hour and a half to be with Remus, and then she would be cruelly and callously taken away from the dying man she was in love with.
She yawned, surprising herself. She hadn't particularly realized that she was tired, but now that she thought at about it, her eyelids desperately wanted to close.
"Well…maybe for half an hour…" she mumbled, settling her head on Remus's chest. She would stay close there until his heart beat its last, should he die before she woke.
With a small, contented sigh, Tonks drifted off to sleep…
She jolted awake what seemed like years later.
Oh, blast it! she thought, dismayed. I've wasted my time with him. He could…is he…?
Tonks gathered her wits and concentrated long enough to listen. His heart – oh, joy! It was still beating. Could it even be…stronger?
Yes. Tonks smiled to herself. Maybe it wasn't hopeless.
Blinking sleepily and not lifting her head, Tonks shifted a bit to gaze up into Remus's face.
Two dryly amused blue-green eyes gazed back at her.
She yelped. "Remus! You're – you're awake – I – when did – how did – ?"
At that point, she realized her head was still comfortably positioned on his chest, which, she couldn't help but notice, was well-toned despite its thinness. Embarrassed by both the thought and the fact that she had so taken advantage of him, she started to lift it.
Weakly, Remus lifted a hand, smiling slightly in that way of his. "Don't stir yourself if you're comfortable, Tonks."
"Well…all right…" She kept her head where it was, but felt extremely uncomfortable.
"How long have you been here?" Remus asked. His voice was a low rumble in his chest.
"Erm…well, it depends on what time it is now," she replied feebly, still feeling rather flushed. Sometimes it was uncomfortable when dreams came true, apparently.
"It's half-past eight."
Tonks grimaced: she'd been sleeping on Remus for an hour, then. "Four and a half hours, I think." Her usual frankness made her add, "And I was talking to you for nearly the whole time. You know…encouraging thoughts…"
For a moment, Remus was quiet. Then, nearly inaudibly, he said, "I know. I heard."
The world stood still for one wrenching moment, and in that time, Tonks regretted ever being born.
She jumped to her feet. "Got to use the loo," she said mechanically.
"Tonks, wait!" Remus croaked as she headed for the door, fighting back tears and cursing anything and everything in the cold, harsh world. When she didn't stop, he said, "…Nymphadora, please."
Tonks had to halt her steps. It was a cheap trick. She hated her name, but she always somehow felt compelled to stop what she was doing whenever someone called her by it. So, slowly, she turned back to him and took a few steps to the bedside.
"Let me explain — " he started.
Something welled up in Tonks and spilled over, both in her words and her eyes. "Remus, why didn't you stop me?" she wailed piteously. "God, Remus, I thought you were a decent fellow! Couldn't you tell I wouldn't want you hearing that?"
"Tonks, please don't jump to conclusions, and don't tell me you're not, because I know you far too well. I wasn't listening to the whole thing. I tuned in right about when you started talking about card games, and then faded out quite soon after you decided aloud you were going mad."
Tonks desperately tried to remember what she'd said between those two points, and vaguely remembered babbling about relationships and sharing loads. Slumping to the floor, she buried her face in her hands, wishing the floor would just swallow her up. Never before in her life had she felt quite so small and pathetic. "Oh, blast, oh, hell…" she moaned. "Remus, forget I ever said any of that. Please, just…oh, it won't work, you won't be able to, and we'll never go on duty again, and my life will be a personal hell…"
"Nymphadora, please come here."
You wouldn't expect him to be this crafty, Tonks thought mutinously. She kneed her way over to his bedside, face still firmly planted in her palms.
A soft touch on her hand gave her the strength to look up. Remus was watching her, concern and something almost like fondness in his eyes.
No, a small, giddy part of her whispered. Not like a brother.
"Tonks, can you possibly imagine how terrible it would have been for me to die not knowing what you said?" he whispered hoarsely.
Another odd emotion was threatening to spill over now. Tonks's chin quivered, and she looked down.
His hand gently cupped it and raised her head to meet his eyes. Tonks didn't have the will to fight.
"Tonks, I'm going to tell you something now," he told her quietly. "And you can attest it to my state of severe drowsiness and near-death stupor, or whatever you like, but I promise you it's the truth.
"Tonks, do you remember the day we picked up Harry for his fifth year?"
She nodded, still not quite meeting his eyes.
"I fell in love with you that day."
Tonks was suddenly finding it extremely difficult to breathe, and was also getting the sort of light-headed feeling that came with drinking a tad too much butterbeer. "This isn't the Remus I know. You're usually far more ambiguous," she managed to say, and could have hit herself.
He sighed. "Well, you can credit that to fatigue."
Tonks didn't quite trust herself to speak anymore.
"Please believe it, Tonks. I loved you, and I tried not to, for the apparent reasons — the Order, my condition, age, et cetera. I knew I would never broach the subject to you, even if you showed the slightest sign of interest.
"And then I thought about it. I was undermining you, assuming you would not make the right decision. It felt to my mind that I was considering you a child. And you are anything but a child to me, Tonks.
"From that moment, I resolved that if ever I found that you could bring yourself to care for me, I would leave the decision to your discretion. If you were willing to let yourself love a poor werewolf, then I would respect that, and love you in return."
It became apparent after a moment of silence that he finished and was waiting for some type of response from her.
"Remus…" she quavered, "…that was beautiful."
He smiled at her sleepily, and light exploded in her mind and heart.
Then I'll take your hand
Finally glad
That you are here…
Timidly, Tonks leaned over and kissed him on the forehead. He reached up a hand and caressed her cheek, sending shivers down her spine.
"Come back," he said, bringing her head back down to his chest. "We've still got half an hour."
She chuckled, snuggling into him. "I'm so happy…"
By my side (by my side, by my side…)
A horrible thought struck her. "Remus…you promise you won't die?"
He chuckled weakly. "I solemnly swear that I will not die, Tonks."
"Good," she breathed, relief washing over her. Without realizing it, her breathing pattern started to match his, and lethargy washed over her. "Think of how terrible that would be…"
By my side (by my side, by my side…)
"Tonks," Remus murmured, "after Sirius died, I thought I could never be happy again. But now I am. And if there is one thing I can be thankful for, it's that I have you now — "
That you are here with me…
" — by my side."
…by my side…
A/N: Well, wasn't that lovely! Please review! I apologize for the abrupt ending, but not only was the song over, it's also going to figure in later. Yes, yes, those reviewers who I know will clamor for a sequel, there's going to be one. Don't worry. (And to allay your fears, if there happen to be any, Remus lives.) Check out the sequel, coming soon: "All I Ask of You." Cheers!