The quaint little bookshop in Hogsmeade was filled with frantic people rushing about. On more than one occasion, a hectic customer had run into him, causing him to drop whatever books he happened to be carrying. It was annoying, really. All this trouble just to find a stupid book.
There was one specific book he was looking for, a book he had heard someone casually mention before. It was a rather odd title, but would provide him with the information he'd need to pursue his new dream. His only problem was locating it...
And then he saw it, sitting high up on a shelf. The solution to all his problems. Evil Villainy for Dummies. He immediately grabbed it and began to read.
Evil Villainy for Dummies
by Felix Asher Phineas Knowles
So, you want to be an evil villain? Well horray for you, that's wonderful! The world of evil villainy is full of fun, surprises, and wonderfully despicable people! Evil villains are a tight knit group, meaning you're sure to meet plenty of lifelong friends. If you choose to join our elite assemblage, you are in for the experience of a lifetime!
But do you have what it takes?
Oh sure, you may THINK you can handle the world of evil, but quite frankly, it's not for everyone. You may THINK you have what it takes, but you just might be wrong. Very wrong. This particular career is far from simple and involves much training, studying, and most of all, commitment. If you aren't willing to work hard, then I'd suggest that you leave now and take up something a bit easier. Like psychology. Or genetic engineering.
Not sure if you have the right stuff? Read on...
IMAGINE THIS: your name is Tom Marvolo Riddle. You are a young, evil wizard determined to cleanse the world of all muggles and muggle-born wizards, as you believe they are not worthy to live. There is a problem here. What is it?
A.) Muggles and muggle-born wizards are not inferior to you, you should know that! Besides, your own father was a muggle!
B.) You do not have a theme song.
C.) Your name is Tom Marvolo Riddle.
D.) You have set an impossible goal for yourself.
Which is the correct answer?
DID YOU CHOOSE CHOICE 'A'?
Stop reading this book now. Obviously you are a reasonable person and have a conscience, two things that evil villains cannot possess. This is not the right job for you. Try being something else...like a school counselor. Or a pastry chef.
DID YOU CHOOSE CHOICE 'B'?
There is a chance that you have what it takes, but maybe not. True, it is important for some evil villains to have a theme song, but this is not the best answer. One of the other choices above is a better answer. If you find that evil villainy is not your calling, but still wish to join the forces of darkness, consider being an evil henchman or a crony. Or a pastry chef.
DID YOU CHOOSE CHOICE 'C'?
Wonderful! You have selected the correct answer! The name "Tom Marvolo Riddle" is not frightening in the least, and it reminds you of your muggle father. Think about it, will people really be afraid of a guy whose middle name is "Marvolo"? Of course not!
DID YOU CHOOSE CHOICE 'D'?
Obviously, you know nothing of evil-ness. Evil villains constantly set impossible goals, it's a rule! (the rules of evil villany will be discussed in a later chapter) You seem to be reasonalbe and logical. Stop that.
Still don't know whether or not you have what it takes? Here's one more question...
IMAGINE THIS: After cleverly changing your name to "Lord Voldemort," you realize that you cannot purge the world on your own. Naturally you will need a group of supporters. But what else do you need to do?
A.) Make sure your supporters do not realize your intentions are evil, otherwise they may have second thoughts. Make them believe they are doing good for the world so they will be loyal and determined.
B.) Give your supporters a name, preferably a scary name that alludes to your purpose. Maybe, something with the word 'death' in it.
C.) Get all of your supporters matching outfits and establish a dress code. Your dress code should be both fashionable and serve a practical purpose...like hiding your supporters' identities.
D.) Establish a headquarters.
E.) Both B and C
F.) Both A and D
DID YOU CHOOSE CHOICE A?
Now why would you want to do something like this? This would make perfect sense! Evil villains are not supposed to make sense! If you haven't already realized it, you are going after the wrong profession. I'd suggest trying something else, like being a chemistry teacher, or an accountant.
DID YOU CHOOSE CHOICE B?
This is one of two correct answers, so good job! Your group of minions and henchmen need a name to remind them that they are united by a single cause: evil. Also, naming your supporters is the 'in' thing to do. You have potential.
DID YOU CHOOSE CHOICE C?
This is one of two correct answers, way to go! Matching outfits let others know who you are and what you support and are very stylish. I'd suggest something like hooded robes or masks or something. You have potential.
DID YOU CHOOSE CHOICE D?
Establishing a headquarters is important, but isn't as important as thinking up a cool name or something! Try not to be so logical. You make too much sense.
DID YOU CHOOSE CHOICE E?
Horray for you, you got it right! You seem to think like an evil villain! Pat yourself on the back.
DID YOU CHOOSE CHOICE F?
Go away. Now.
By now, you should have a good idea of whether or not you are cut out for the job. In the chapters to come, we will discuss important evil topics and will speak about important evil people. Take notes. Get out a highlighter.
This would be the solution to all his problems, he thought to himself. With a grin on his face, Neville made his way to the front counter and made his purchase. His new life had begun.
A/N: Does the titile of this sound familliar? In "Hogwarts Overturned," I think I mentioned something about either Voldemort or Felix's copy of "Evil Villainy for Dummies" (though I'm sure both would have a copy of it). Anyway, I'm sure that by now you've realized that this isn't your typical fanfiction, which is exactly what I'm going for. Please review and tell me what you think! Also, if you haven't already, check out my other stories (I have 5 others, just go to my author page). Thanks for reading!