“Hey there Neville, what’re you reading,” Harry inquired.
“Oh nothing,” Neville replied, shoving his book under his pillow.
“Whatever,” Harry said with a shrug. “And I’m sorry that I couldn’t stop him yesterday, I didn’t get there fast enough.”
“It’s all right,” Neville assured him. “I’m planning on being able to take care of him myself. You won’t have to look after me anymore.”
“Whatever you say,” Harry said skeptically as he left the room.
Neville sighed and pulled his book back out from under his pillow.
Chapter Three
Evil Etiquette
Before we get into the real “meat” of evil villainy, we must first discuss evil etiquette. For example, have you ever seen an evil villain skipping through a field of daisies, or chatting merrily with the cashier at a cute little ice cream parlor? Do you think you’d find Lucius Malfoy taking pottery classes? Would Bellatrix Lestrange be caught dead taking interpretive dance lessons? No, of course not! There are certain rules for things like this!
The Evil Laugh
Every evil villain needs a signature evil laugh. However, their evil laugh must be, well, evil. For example, something along the lines of “mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha” is acceptable, whereas “tee-hee-hee-hee” is not suitable. A “tee-hee-hee” laugh does not instill fear into the hearts of men. In fact, it reminds them of cutesy things, such as fluffy pillows, or bunnies. Evil people are not usually associated with bunnies.
Below is a list of evilly acceptable laughs.
“Mwahaha”
“Ahahaha”
“Bwahaha”
“Nyahahaha”
“Meh-heh-heh”
“Heh-heh-heh”
“Nyeh-heh-heh”
The Evil Sneer
Sneering is an essential part of being an evil villain. At some point in time, all evil villains are required to sneer at something or someone, so you should prepare. However, sneering is no easy task! If this is done incorrectly, your sneer could come off as an expression of confusion or constipation. This is not something you want.
If you want to master your sneering techniques, try this exercise. Stand in front of your mirror at least once a day. Make eye contact with your reflection. Then, begin to sneer at yourself, making sure you don’t rush into it. Your sneer should come gradually and should have an aura of evil.
Still not comfortable with your sneering? Classes are offered in many different locations, the most popular being taught by the master of the sneer, Severus Snape. Send him an owl and make an appointment!
Evil Attire
Naturally, there are certain articles of clothing that an evil villain should not be seen wearing. For example, a mauve sundress is not something that you would be able to conquer the world wearing. The evil population of the world must make careful decisions when it comes to fashion.
What you should do: Capes are always in fashion, especially those in darker, more malevolent colors. Occasionally a villain might want to go for a monochromatic look, but this can sometimes seem tacky. Boots are usually a good edition. Also, ridiculous articles of clothing that serve no practical purpose and have absolutely no meaning are all the rage; examples include random sport jackets, glitter, togas, or oddly colored socks.
What you shouldn’t do: Avoid anything fluffy, as this will make people want to pet you. Evil villains are not to be petted. Also, pink is usually not a good color choice, though there are a few good evil villains who can pull it off.
The Evil Plotting Look
All right, so you’re plotting. How will you let everyone know? A good evil villain has an “evil plotting look” that allows those around him or her to know that they are having an evil moment. If you feel it necessary, mutter words along the lines of “yeeeeeeeees” or “perfect” while showing off your plotting look to add to the effect. Do not confuse your evil plotting look with your evil sneer!
Pets
Some evil villains own pets to add to their evil aura. Typically an evil pet is a smaller animal that can be held in the lap and petted while the owner has an evil moment. Below is a list of acceptable pets.
Cat
Small dog (to be held)
Large dog (to act as a guard dog)
Snake (especially good if you are a Parselmouth)
Hermit Crab
Hamster
Bunny (sometimes)
Lobster
Tiger
Shark (to feed your enemies to)
Chicken (to confuse your enemies)
The Evil Phrase
Some evil villains have a trademark phrase. This is one way to make a name for yourself; people hear your catch phrase and think, hey, that’s (insert evil name here)’s line! It doesn’t have to be something witty…for example, one of Professor Snape’s evil phrases is simply, “you fail.”
Here are some helpful tips to aid you in creating your evil phrase
1.) Does it rhyme? Do I want it to rhyme?
2.) Is it easy to remember?
3.) Does it imply evil?
4.) Does it suit my personal evil style?
5.) Is it already in use?
6.) Is it original?
7.) Does it make people think, “Hey, there’s a good evil villain!”
8.) Does it make me want to rule the world?
9.) Does it have anything to do with polka?
10.) Will it insult others or make them feel inferior?
The Evil Jig
Not all villains can pull off the evil jig. For example, if Professor Umbridge was seen jigging, would it really add to her evilness? Or if you saw good old Voldemort doing a little dance along with his death eaters, would you think, “hey, I think I’m going to cower in fear!” Only a select few evil villains are capable of successfully executing a trademark evil jig. Make your decision carefully.
Evil Parties
Yes, as an evil villain you will be invited to a few parties. But how do you act? Remember to stick to the rules of evil etiquette while still making sure you have a good time! Below are some important things to keep in mind.
1.) If you feel it necessary, take on the role of the “mysterious loner by the punch bowl.”
2.) Don’t feel guilty about eating all the hor’d’avoures. You’re evil, remember?
3.) Talk about your evil plans. People find this interesting.
4.) If you’re bored, try accidentally-on-purpose bumping into someone and spilling butterbeer on their robes. Claim that it was unintentional, or, if you’re feeling daring, shout, “THAT’LL NEVER COME OUT IN THE WASH!”
5.) Put your sneer or evil plotting look into use.
6.) Point and laugh at someone. Don’t tell them why.
7.) Start up a conversation with someone. Halfway through, gasp and mutter something like, “so you’re the one he said was ugly!”
8.) When someone puts their wand down, snap it and blame it on someone else.
9.) Apparate and disapparate into the room at random times to annoy people.
10.) One word. Karaoke.
11.) Go up to any random woman and comment, “Hey, those are the robes I saw on the clearance rack at discount Dan’s!”
12.) Do your evil laugh. Magically magnify your voice so that everyone with in a mile can hear it.
Study these concepts of evil etiquette and in no time, you’ll be able to mingle with the evil big-shots!
Neville put the book down and stared into space. Sure, this all sounded good in theory, but would it really work in a real-life setting?
Ron entered the room. “C’mon Neville, we’re all going down to dinner.”
Neville pointed at him and began to laugh.
“What?” Ron asked, sounding a bit panicked. When Neville did not respond, Ron rushed over to a mirror and inspected his reflection. “What’re you laughing at?”
“Oh nothing.”
A/N: Whooo! There it is, chapter three. Sorry for the long delay, but I’ve been swamped with stuff to do and was only spending about 9-10 hours at my house, 7 of which were spent sleeping. Reviews are much appreciated. Also, if anyone cares, I’m working on updating my other stories now as well “ Target Practice will be the next one, I think. Enjoy!