Neville had been taking notes in a small notebook of his.
Chapter Three Notes
1.) Evil laugh = heh-heh-heh
2.) Practice sneer �“ currently mine looks like I’ve just eaten a lemon
3.) Wear evil clothes �“ buy a cape? Can I pull off pink?
4.) Work on evil plotting look
5.) Does Trevor count as an evil pet?
6.) Work on evil phrase - do I want it to rhyme? Does it suit my personal evil style?
7.) No evil jig
8.) Practice evil tactics on Ron.
This book was incredibly helpful �“ in no time he’d be able to confront his nemesis without embarrassing himself. Determined to succeed, he pulled out his quill and opened up to chapter four.
Chapter Four
Formulating Your Evil Plan
Now that you’re looking evil and acting evil, it’s about time for you to formulate an elaborate and somewhat impossible evil plan. Remember that purpose you came up with from Chapter Two? Now’s the time to put it to use! (NOTE: If you don’t yet have a purpose, please re-read chapter two. This will help you formulate a purpose. If you still don’t have a purpose after that, try doing aerobics. Or learn to juggle. If that doesn’t help, then you’re on your own.)
An example would best illustrate evil plotting. Willy Wizard is a good evil villain. He is a master at sneering and his evil plotting look makes everyone around him think hey, that guy’s evil. His evil purpose is to steal the magic lemon drop from Wanda Witch’s fancy parchment shop. But how exactly is he going to do so?
Step One: Stop and Think
Normally, your evil purpose will involve defeating your nemesis in some way. What is the best way to do so? In devising an evil plan you must consider every possibility and map out your every move.
Willy Wizard has decided that after Wanda Witch closes up her fancy parchment shop, he will apparate inside and steal the magic lemon drop.
Step Two: Get your henchman or sidekick to do the rest of your plotting, and then take all the credit
Most evil villains aren’t good at plotting. Typically, they lack all common sense. Therefore their evil plans usually lack logic or thought and fail miserably. Because of this, most evil villains will go to their sidekicks or henchmen and ask them for advice, only to steal their ideas in the end. Your sidekick or henchman won’t mind �“ that’s what they’re there for! (Some evil villains skip this stage)
Willy Wizard has discovered a flaw in his plan. He can’t apparate inside Wanda Witch’s shop, because she has security spells protecting it. Also, there’s a good chance that similar security spells protect her magic lemon drop. However, he refuses to give up, and goes to his trusty henchman Larry to figure out a plan. Larry suggests that Willy enter the shop inconspicuously before Wanda closes and then, when she’s not looking, transfigure himself into a bug. He should stay like a bug until she closes and then, morph back into his human state. Before trying to touch the lemon drop he should perform many spells to counteract the security spells and then, instead of touching the lemon drop himself, he should magically move it to the ground. After that he should transfigure himself into a rat, put the lemon drop in his mouth (without eating it!), and then exit the shop.
Silly Larry, Willy Wizard says, Willy already thought of this plan and told him before. He just didn’t remember!
Step Three: Let the whole world know you have a plan
There’s no fun in having an evil plan unless the entire world knows about it! Spread the word �“ you’re going to do something criminal!
Willy Wizard tells everyone he’s up to no good. He even goes as far as to put an ad in the Daily Prophet!
Step Four: Execute your plan
This one pretty much speaks for itself! However, don’t completely execute your plan…you still have to finish step five!
Willy Wizard follows Larry’s…I mean his brilliant plan. However, just as he retrieves the lemon drop, he stops.
Step Five: Explain your evil plan to your nemesis in excruciating detail
Explaining your evil plan to your nemesis in excruciating detail is a tradition among evil villains. True, it lowers your chance of success and serves absolutely no practical purpose, but that’s the way we evil villains work things!
Willy Wizard uses the fireplace in Wanda Witch’s shop to tell her about how he stole her lemon drop and about how he’s about to run off with it. He leaves out absolutely no details and adds invented facts where he feels it necessary.
Step Six: Succeed evilly or Fail pitifully
If you succeed evilly, make sure the entire world knows it! However 99 out of 100 times you will fail pitifully, usually due to the consequences of step five. That’s just the way things are…but don’t let it get you down! Next time you’ll get ‘em.
Wanda Witch immediately arrives at her shop and has Willy arrested. Sorry Willy, maybe next time.
Sure, that might’ve seemed a bit depressing, but don’t let it get you down! Failure is just a part of evil villainy. You’ll have to deal with it. Actually, many evil villains use this failure as inspiration for further malicious acts and hateful actions. So you take those lemons, and turn them into lemonade! Evil lemonade.
Not sure if your evil plan is up to par? Ask yourself these questions:
1.) Will my plan, if executed correctly, help me accomplish my purpose?
2.) Is my plan evil, hateful, malicious, malevolent, spiteful, wicked, nasty, or just downright mean? If not, it’s just not going to fly.
3.) Does my plan make sense?
4.) Does my plan make too much sense?
5.) Is my plan original? Is it something novel and creative, or is it your stereotypical, mundane global domination scenario?
6.) Is my plan something that everyone can understand? If so, do I want everyone to understand it? If not, do I understand it?
7.) Does my evil plan accurately suit my personal evil style?
8.) Will my evil plan make people think, “hey, there’s a real evil guy!” or “wow, what a wannabe!”
9.) Does your plan make you want to cackle?
10.) Is your plan completely legal? If so, get back to the drawing board!
So, have you come up with an evil plan yet? If not, there’s no need for worrying. These things don’t come all at once, and a really bad case of evil plotter’s block is enough to drive anyone crazy! So relax, an idea will come in time. Take a bath or something, an oatmeal bath, if you’re into that. Or go and make yourself a sandwich. That’ll help.
Neville paused. An evil plan…well, the only thing he could come up with was ridiculously simple. However, he realized that though it was pretty uncomplicated, it just might be crazy enough to work. His nemesis would never see it coming…
He began to cackle evilly. He had been practicing.
A/N: And there it is, Chapter Four. Yes, I am going to tell you Neville’s nemesis eventually…but that’s for later on in the story. If I told you now, why would you want to keep reading? (evil laugh)