“Neville, are you sure you don’t want me to take care of him?” Harry asked for what seemed like the millionth time.
“No,” he replied solemnly. “I want to do this on my own. I’m almost ready to take him on, I think.”
Harry looked at him skeptically. “Don’t do anything drastic…it’s just not worth it!”
Neville turned to face him. “Maybe it’s not worth it for you, but it is for me!”
Harry shrugged. He knew that arguing with him would be stupid. “Whatever you want.”
“Just promise me,” Neville called to him before he left the room, “that you’ll let me do this on my own.”
Harry sighed and nodded. “Whatever you want,” he repeated.
Neville slumped down into his bed and pulled out his book. He was almost ready…
Chapter Five
Your Original Evil Style and Pointless Evil
You have your purpose, your nemesis, your evil plan, and you know proper evil procedures…so what now? There are plenty of evil villains in the world; you have to set yourself apart. Many times in previous chapters the topic of “your original evil style” has been brought up, but what does that really mean? You need to be unique!
But how exactly can you go about being an individual in a profession like this? And what aspects of this career have room for originality? First, you need to evaluate yourself.
Evaluation: Answer the questions below either ‘yes’ or ‘no’
1.) Does your evil laugh sound just like someone else’s?
2.) When you attend an evil villain’s convention or evil gathering, are you indistinguishable from all the other evil villains?
3.) When people hear your evil name, do they say Wait…who?
4.) Do people refer to you as so-and-so’s friend or that guy who stole the whatsit from what’s-her-face?
5.) In reality, has absolutely no one ever heard of you?
6.) Does your nemesis occasionally forget your name and often times forget exactly why they are your nemesis?
7.) Do you doubt your evil abilities?
If you answered “yes” to four or more of these questions, then there is a chance that you have become a Mundane Evil Villain, or a MEV for short. There is nothing special about you, nothing that sets you apart. You are just like every other evil guy in town, cackling and talking about your plans for world conquest. But fret not! There is help for you!
In this chapter we will discuss ways to cultivate your distinctive evil style! To start things out, ask yourself these questions:
1.) What evil image do I want to project to the rest of the world?
2.) Who do I want my message to be aimed towards? Wizards? Muggles? Both?
3.) Appearance is important “ how can my appearance enhance the message I am trying to send?
4.) Is there any way my appearance can reflect my evil purpose?
5.) What message does my body language send people?
6.) What message do I want my body language to send people?
7.) When people listen to me talk, what do I want them to feel? Fear? Admiration? Confusion?
8.) How do I want people to remember me?
9.) Where do I carry my wand? Does this say anything about me?
10.) What kind of evil do I want to be?
11.) Did I understand the previous question?
12.) How do I feel when performing nefarious acts?
13.) How do I want to feel when performing nefarious acts?
14.) Do I know what nefarious means?
15.) It means “wicked, evil, or despicable.”
16.) Number fifteen was not a question “ how did I feel about that?
After answering the previous questions, you should have a good idea of where you stand in the world of evil originality, as well as where you would like to stand. You may be wondering, how can I make myself stand out in the world of evil? Well my friend, the answer is quite simple. Pointless evil.
You may be thinking to yourself, what exactly is pointless evil? Well the answer is quite simple “ it is evil, that is pointless. You know what I’m talking about! Completely random acts of malevolence that you commit just for funsies! In between dastardly schemes, many evil villains will do assorted criminal things for absolutely no reason at all! These impromptu acts of wickedness usually have no point and are often done for the sole purpose of amusement! Need an example? Read on!
Remember Willy Wizard from the previous chapter? Well, his first evil plan has failed and he’s in the process of formulating his second. However, in all his planning he hasn’t done anything truly criminal in a while, and he wants to make a name for himself! So to satisfy his thirst for wrongdoing, and to get his name out there, he harasses unwary tourists at a muggle theme park.
Need some suggestions for pointless evil acts?
Steal candy from a baby.
Stand in a muggle elevator and talk incessantly to those who board it.
Send your wizard neighbors owls with fake letters from the ministry, stating that they are being summoned to court.
Collect gnomes from your garden and send them over to your neighbor’s house.
Don’t color inside the lines.
Pull people’s seats out from underneath them.
Levitate your co-workers’ lunches while they are trying to eat them.
Sing loudly and refuse to stop.
Tell everyone you meet of your ideas for a new muggle reality show.
Chatter continuously to any of your Death Eater friends about “how cute that Potter boy’s scar is.”
Chatter continuously to any of your Death Eater friends about “how cute that Potter boy is.”
Stand outside on a sidewalk and refuse to let people pass you unless they give you “the password.”
Send out random howlers.
Spread rumors among the death eaters that Wormtail has a crush on Voldemort.
Send out random howlers…to yourself!
When in the midst of a crowd, begin to have spasms and then, bellow out a “prophesy.” Make it believable.
Whenever someone asks you a question, give them a long, rambling response such as: “The answer is seventeen. If that doesn’t make sense to you, borrow some nice stationary from someone and scribble the words “I love Canadian bacon” on it. Promptly throw it out the nearest window. In approximately twenty-seven seconds you should receive an owl from “Spicy Pete.” In his owl, Spicy Pete should tell you to meet him at the market with the “little dandies” in twenty minutes. By “little dandies” he means cherry tomatoes. By “the market” he means the bank. And by “twenty minutes” he means seven and a half. Once you arrive at the bank you should see a large cauldron with a single toothflossing stringmint inside it. Place the cherry tomatoes inside the cauldron and leave immediately, making sure that no one is following you. At this time you will need to go out and buy new boots, preferably ones that are pointy and appear as if they had come from a time capsule from the eighties. After purchasing your boots, return to the cauldron at the bank. You should find that the cherry tomatoes are gone and in their place is a large poster of Argus Filch. Give this poster to the first witch who asks you where you bought your boots. Afterwards, apparate back to your house and you should find three kneazles and a niffler in your kitchen. Everything should make sense to you then.”
Break out into dance whenever you feel it necessary. Evil dance, that is.
Knock over the ice cream cones of innocent victims.
By now your mind should be bursting with pointless, immoral things to do. So get out there and do them! This will help you develop your personal evil style and eventually, will help you know yourself better. Pointless evil is good for the soul.