A/N: I thought I should share my “plan” for this story with everyone, so there are no surprises. After this chapter there will be either three or four more: either one or two more chapters of Neville reading the actual book, one in which he confronts his nemesis, and an epilogue. So all together that’s (racks her brain) nine or ten chapters, and I personally think that’s a good amount for a fic like this! So now for chapter six “ enjoy!
After testing out some of the suggestions from the book (on innocent victims), Neville realized that being evil came naturally to him. He was really beginning to like it. It gave him a sense of confidence and greatly boosted his self-esteem, something he truly needed. His nemesis wouldn’t stand a chance.
Feeling rather good about himself, Neville took out his book and began to read chapter six. The book was almost over…
Chapter Six
The Do’s and Don’ts of Executing Your Evil Plan
You know what your evil plan is, right? Of course you do, you planned it! However, many unforeseen things will occur while you are in the process of executing your evil plan. In this chapter, we will discuss some of these things and how you should (and shouldn’t) react to them. The following is a list of scenarios that you could possibly find yourself stuck in, along with possible solutions to them. Please read carefully.
1.) You’re in the middle of your evil plan when you trip, fall, and get injured
DON’T tell your henchmen that you got hurt because you fell, or because you did another similar clumsy thing. You’re supposed to be evil and powerful, so you don’t want them to know that the reason why you are incapable of doing something maniacal is because you stumbled. Also, if you’re really injured and can’t magically mend yourself on the spot, it’s probably not a good idea to keep going with your plan because chances are, it won’t work. You’ll get ‘em next time.
DO make up some lame excuse as to why you fell, stumbled, or whatever. Say something along the lines of, “oh, I fell because my bad knee gave out…you know, the knee I hurt while defeating an entire army of good wizards during the last wizard war?” Also, if you can manage to magically treat yourself, keep going. Make sure to tell stories of your previous victories on the way.
2.) You’re on the way to the location of your next evil plan when you realize that you and your henchmen are lost
DON’T let your henchmen know that you are lost. Again, you want to have an image of being powerful and authoritative, and powerful authoritative evil leaders don’t get lost. Also, don’t ask for directions, as that might be seen as a sign of weakness.
DO assure the others that you know what you’re doing and that this is all part of your scheme. If you’re really lost and know that there is no way you will be able to make it to your destination, pretend there’s a reason why you are wherever you happen to be. For example, if you’re supposed to be in BlahBlah city but have somehow ended up lost on a dirt road, dig a hole in the ground and declare that you’ve just completed the “secret ritual.” You obviously couldn’t tell anyone about it before, otherwise it wouldn’t have been a secret. Then lead your henchmen home, explaining to them that you’ll be going to execute your evil plan at another time.
3.) You’re supposed to barge into your nemesis’s lair/home/etc. and abduct them, but they are not there.
DON’T let anyone know that your nemesis was supposed to be there, but isn’t. It’s quite embarrassing to barge into someone’s house to abduct them, only to find that they aren’t home.
DO tell your henchmen that you are going to hide out in your nemesis’s lair/home/whatever and wait for them to come home. When they arrive, then you’ll abduct them. You thought everybody would’ve realized that.
4.) You’re about to execute your evil plan when you realize that you need to use a bathroom
DON’T try to hold it, because you won’t be able to concentrate. Also, you don’t want an accident.
DO make up some excuse to disapparate, use a bathroom, and then apparate back to wherever you were. Pretend you had to do something important to the plan.
5.) You’re about to execute your evil plan when suddenly you realize that you forget what it is.
DON’T let anyone know that you forgot it (are you seeing a pattern yet?) Also, don’t try to make something up on the spot, because evil villains are notorious for being bad at improvising.
DO ask one of your henchmen if “they know the plan.” Ask them to tell it to you, acting as if you want to know if they know what they’re doing. If this doesn’t work, spontaneously decide to call the whole thing off. Make up some sort of complicated excuse as to why, or (if you’re going for the mysterious approach) don’t give a reason at all.
6.) You arrive at the place where your evil plan will occur, only to find that your henchmen are conspicuously absent.
DON’T attempt to carry out your plan alone. However, tell your henchmen later that you completed a “phase” of it, to make yourself appear powerful.
DO go into an angry rage and punish them the next time you see them. Lash out all of your wrath on them and make sure that at least half of them are cowering in fear by the end of your “angry moment.”
7.) You arrive at the place where your evil plan is supposed to occur, when you realize that the henchmen that are there are not yours
DON’T stick around. If you do and the other henchmen recognize you, they’ll be sure to inform the evil villain that they are working for and you will most likely be ridiculed.
DO make up some lame excuse as to why you are there. Also, when you eventually find your real henchmen, give them another lame excuse as to why you weren’t with them earlier. Make it sound like you were doing something of the utmost importance.
These are only a few things that could possibly happen to you while you are attempting to carry out your plot. Though you can’t be ready for everything, it is good to know what to do in at least some situations such as the ones mentioned above. Be prepared. Expect anything.
In some cases, something will take place and consequently, you will be forced to abandon your plan and retreat. True, this is not something that you want to happen, but in some cases where your options are limited, this is the best choice to make. However, how will you know if your situation is bad enough that you need to leave? If you’re stuck during your evil plan and things aren’t working out, ask yourself the following questions to see if fleeing the scene is the right thing to do.
Am I about to get killed?
Am I about to get arrested?
Have I lost my wand?
Are my henchmen cowering in fear?
Am I cowering in fear?
Does the situation I’m in involve poultry of any kind?
Have I realized that my evil plan will not work out no matter what I do?
Have I suddenly become ill?
If I am a Death Eater, have I suddenly realized that I’ve forgotten my robe and mask and therefore have lost my credibility?
Have I just said something that makes absolutely no sense?
Have I accidentally proclaimed my undying love for my nemesis?
Have I accidentally proclaimed my undying love for the Polka?
Have I just realized that I am wearing lederhosen?
Are my shoelaces untied?
Am I wearing shoes?
Has my nemesis cornered me?
Are all of my henchmen gone?
Am I greatly outnumbered?
Am I in Peru?
Am I in Peru, but not sure how I got there?
Am I in Peru, am aware of how I got there, but have lost my left sock?
Is my wand malfunctioning?
If you answer yes to any of the above questions, then abandoning your evil plan is most likely the best idea. It may be a bit embarrassing, but it’s better than suffering a huge defeat, or being arrested. You’ll get them next time, whoever they are.
A/N: Congratulations, you finished the chapter. Feel proud. And now, it’s time to review!